Do you ask your GF/BF to step out of their comfort zone for you?

[Shining One]

I am asking my BF to do just that because to me love is not about the easy-breezy moments, love is about him stepping out of his comfort zone for something important to ME because I am important to HIM.

The "love argument" is these situations is fundamentally flawed. You can say: "If you love me, you'll do this thing you don't want to do just for me." The other person can counter with: "If you love me, you wouldn't ask me to do this thing I don't want to do."

[katiegrl]

This is not the hill I would die on.

 

I'm not about trying to control people. Don't want to go? Ok, see you later. Feed yourself.

 

^This. Absolutely.

 

I wouldn't even be mad about it. JMO, but just cause we are in a RL, that does not mean he is "obligated" to attend family functions with me or anything else for that matter.

 

I know others feel differently and I respect that, I just wouldn't want my SO doing something just cause he felt obligated to do it.

 

That wouldn't make me feel good at all.

 

I want him doing it because he wants to do it, all on his own, from his heart.

 

Forcing someone into doing something by demanding/controlling defeats the purpose.

[jen1447]

The "love argument" is these situations is fundamentally flawed. You can say: "If you love me, you'll do this thing you don't want to do just for me." The other person can counter with: "If you love me, you wouldn't ask me to do this thing I don't want to do."

 

^ Except that all things aren't equal. It's on fundamentally diff planes to say "if you love me you'll murder your best friend for me" and "how dare you ask me to tie your shoe?"

 

Going to family birthday parties is closer to the shoe.

[katiegrl]

The "love argument" is these situations is fundamentally flawed. You can say: "If you love me, you'll do this thing you don't want to do just for me." The other person can counter with: "If you love me, you wouldn't ask me to do this thing I don't want to do."

 

Hence, the power struggle.

[Gaeta]

This is not the hill I would die on.

 

I'm not about trying to control people. Don't want to go? Ok, see you later. Feed yourself.

 

Opinions differ on this topic depending on how family oriented each one of us is. To you it's not a big deal to show at your brother's 50th birthday party without your BF, to me it's huge and for my family it's huge. If I get there without him I will be embarrassed, I will be asked by 50 different people why he is not there. Then for the 1000000 time I'll be the only one not being accompanied.

[clia]

Opinions differ on this topic depending on how family oriented each one of us is. To you it's not a big deal to show at your brother's 50th birthday party without your BF, to me it's huge and for my family it's huge. If I get there without him I will be embarrassed, I will be asked by 50 different people why he is not there. Then for the 1000000 time I'll be the only one not being accompanied.

 

"He didn't want to come. He doesn't like birthday parties."

 

Done.

[katiegrl]

Opinions differ on this topic depending on how family oriented each one of us is. To you it's not a big deal to show at your brother's 50th birthday party without your BF, to me it's huge and for my family it's huge. If I get there without him I will be embarrassed, I will be asked by 50 different people why he is not there. Then for the 1000000 time I'll be the only one not being accompanied.

 

Gaeta, your feelings are your feelings, no wrong or right. They just "are."

 

But still.... forcing your bf to attend because you don't want to be embarrassed or go alone... or for any reason isn't right.

 

It won't work anyway, as you are quickly discovering.

 

He will dig in his heals against your attempts to control, the end result being he STILL won't be going.

 

So what choice do you have?

 

You either accept that he doesn't wish to go, or attempt to force him into going and risk causing a major conflict in your RL.

 

Or of course, ending the RL and finding a man you are more compatible with in this regard.

 

Your choice.

[xxoo]

Opinions differ on this topic depending on how family oriented each one of us is. To you it's not a big deal to show at your brother's 50th birthday party without your BF, to me it's huge and for my family it's huge. If I get there without him I will be embarrassed, I will be asked by 50 different people why he is not there. Then for the 1000000 time I'll be the only one not being accompanied.

 

Regardless of how family oriented you are, it is still about control. A power struggle.

 

He has done nothing bad, nothing harmful, nothing shameful. But you are embarrassed. That sounds like a personal issue, something about how you wished to be viewed by your family.

[Shining One]

^ Except that all things aren't equal. It's on fundamentally diff planes to say "if you love me you'll murder your best friend for me" and "how dare you ask me to tie your shoe?"

 

Going to family birthday parties is closer to the shoe.

While I agree that all things aren't equal, you're comparing the wrong things here. Person A's desire to have Person B do something should be compared to Person B's aversion to doing the thing in question.

 

My girlfriend hates dancing. I like dancing. I love her and don't want her feel bad, so I don't ask her to dance. Dancing is pretty close to the shoe too.

[jen1447]

While I agree that all things aren't equal, you're comparing the wrong things here. Person A's desire to have Person B do something should be compared to Person B's aversion to doing the thing in question.

 

Moderated by how severe an ask that thing is. Going to family birthday parties just isn't outside the realm of normalcy in most cases.

[Gaeta]

If he has me spend Xmas alone without him I won't recover from it. It will damage our relationship beyond repair. I won't be with a man that refuses to show up at my daughter's 30th birthday party.

 

Him and I better settle this now. If he does not want to spend xmas with me than he better leave for France and be far away from me. This way at least he'll have a real reason to not be with me.

[Weezy1973]

So it sounds like holidays and birthdays are important events for you to attend and they're events that your boyfriend doesn't want to attend. Both are valid feelings form both parties so, it seems to me like you need a compromise.

 

The easy one is that you attend these events alone, but because of your personal issues that seems like a non starter. You could see if he wants to join you for half the events and you'll both skip the other half to do thinks together?

 

If this is something you refuse to compromise on, then really it's time to end things. To me this is something that calls for a lot more communication and compromise....

[Nightwriter]

Disagreements often expose the real us in many ways. It looks like there are several things that could be at play here.

 

1. Does he want to hold on to this baggage? Either he is okay keeping it or he is interested in at least trying to address his anxiety/bitterness/whatever, by counseling etc so that he can enjoy birthdays and not be dragged into it.

 

2. As the question was asked in the title, how importantly does he see your needs? Is he he able to see things from your eyes and conversely, can you see from his eyes? True empathy I find is one of the rarest traits in human beings because we have a fundamental selfishness embedded deep in us.

 

3. Is this becoming a power struggle? In many ways, power struggles can extend beyond the specific issue and go into ego and a testing of how you will resolve future disagreements. At some point, it can turn into, "I'm not going to let this idiot get away with this" and if that happens, real communication is lost.

 

I don't know if any of us can answer these questions, and it could be useful to involve a neutral person you both trust in a real life discussion, i.e. counseling.

[introverted1]

I don't enjoy birthday parties or big family gatherings. Given my druthers, I would not attend them.

 

BUT.

 

These are meaningful occasions to other people so I go. And I definitely attend events of this nature that are important to my SO.

 

I think Gaeta is being reasonable here.

[katiegrl]

Gaeta, just a thought ....but birthdays and holidays represent "commitment" to many men, especially those with commitment issues... and as such they will avoid these events.

 

At first they're okay with it, even happy to go along with you, but as time goes on, and the RL starts to feel more "committed," they will begin to express their discomfort.

 

Such men will also wish to keep certain aspects of their life private from you, such as family and children, where they live, etc.

 

They will also not wish to discuss the future, instead preferring to "take it one day at a time," even suggesting they may not even be around in six months (or example).

 

This leaves the woman feeling very insecure and off balance.

 

Just food for thought in case any of this applies to your situation.

Edited September 19, 2016 by katiegrl

[AMJ]

"He didn't want to come. He doesn't like birthday parties."

 

Done.

 

And silently (or if it were my family, not silently) her family thinks- wow, what a selfish jerk. He doesn't want to share this part of her life with her. Family is important to some people, and others not so much. Family is important to Gaeta.

This isn't asking a guy to tag along on some hobby or fun activity that you enjoy which he dislikes. Missing out on family events is like missing out on a big piece of your life together. I didn't really get that myself until a few years ago.

 

And I still don't really understand exactly what his hangup is. You told us the story about the ex, but how does that impact him still today? Is it just a bad memory being triggered? How can eating dinner and cutting cake for your brother make him think of his 1st wife anyway?

 

Does he feel pressure to do something or give a gift or something? It's pretty standard as an adult to just show up and socialize at a birthday party....I really don't get what his issue is.

 

Does he feel the same way with office birthday parties for coworkers? Now those birthdays are annoying. It's always so awkward to sit around and sing happy birthday with coworkers who don't get along.

[Gaeta]

So it sounds like holidays and birthdays are important events for you to attend and they're events that your boyfriend doesn't want to attend. Both are valid feelings form both parties so, it seems to me like you need a compromise.

 

The easy one is that you attend these events alone, but because of your personal issues that seems like a non starter. You could see if he wants to join you for half the events and you'll both skip the other half to do thinks together?

 

If this is something you refuse to compromise on, then really it's time to end things. To me this is something that calls for a lot more communication and compromise....

 

It's an interesting suggestion. Yes I am open to compromise. We could arrive later when people are done with the presents and cake. I am sure he would like that idea. I would have to convince the party people to not wait for us and to go ahead with dinner without us.

 

Once we had a family dinner. My daughter's car broke down across town. BF and I went to fetch her, towed the car etc etc. We got 3 hours late at dinner. I begged them to not wait for us and to no avail, the 15 of them waited for us to arrive.

[h0000]

If he hates birthdays then it's reasonable to ask him to attend some or maybe half of the birthdays for you, but not reasonable to demand him to attend all birthdays for you.

 

 

I hate birthdays, and my BF has a huge family with so many relatives and also heaps of friends so there are birthdays every month. I don't go to all of them not because I am afraid of commitment, but because I have few things in common with those people and it's a torture to spend hours in their parties. I don't know why birthday parties have to be a symbol of something,ridiculous.

 

I go to half of them for him, but I cannot bring myself to all of them. If my BF gets pissed off for it, then he's a jerk.

[Gaeta]

If he hates birthdays then it's reasonable to ask him to attend some or maybe half of the birthdays for you, but not reasonable to demand him to attend all birthdays for you.

 

 

I hate birthdays, and my BF has a huge family with so many relatives and also heaps of friends so there are birthdays every month. I don't go to all of them not because I am afraid of commitment, but because I have few things in common with those people and it's a torture to spend hours in their parties. I don't know why birthday parties have to be a symbol of something,ridiculous.

 

I go to half of them for him, but I cannot bring myself to all of them. If my BF gets pissed off for it, then he's a jerk.

 

Good on you for making such an effort.

 

I could live with that and have him there for half of them.

 

That being said I think a 50th birthday falls in the category of more special birthday.

 

 

[AMJ]

If he hates birthdays then it's reasonable to ask him to attend some or maybe half of the birthdays for you, but not reasonable to demand him to attend all birthdays for you.

 

 

I hate birthdays, and my BF has a huge family with so many relatives and also heaps of friends so there are birthdays every month. I don't go to all of them not because I am afraid of commitment, but because I have few things in common with those people and it's a torture to spend hours in their parties. I don't know why birthday parties have to be a symbol of something,ridiculous.

 

I go to half of them for him, but I cannot bring myself to all of them. If my BF gets pissed off for it, then he's a jerk.

 

I don't think anyone thinks it's reasonable for her to demand him to go.

This isn't like her 4th cousin's birthday party, or 2nd cousin's grandkids' party...it's her brother.

 

I don't even make a big deal out of my own birthday, but I still want people who love me to get together and acknowledge that they care about me for a few hours. It's not even like we do anything special, it's just nice to do something.

 

I'd hate having a partner who felt like being around my family was torture, that wouldn't work out for me.

 

It would be one thing if he needed to miss a family get together every now and then, that's not a big deal. But starting a life with someone knowing that you'll need to beg and plead just to get them to ever attend a family celebration is a different deal.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, just a thought ....but birthdays and holidays represent "commitment" to many men, especially those with commitment issues... and as such they will avoid these events.

 

At first they're okay with it, even happy to go along with you, but as time goes on, and the RL starts to feel more "committed," they will begin to express their discomfort.

 

Such men will also wish to keep certain aspects of their life private from you, such as family and children, where they live, etc.

 

They will also not wish to discuss the future, instead preferring to "take it one day at a time," even suggesting they may not even be around in six months (or example).

 

This leaves the woman feeling very insecure and off balance.

 

Just food for thought in case any of this applies to your situation.

 

Very interesting, I need to explore this further.

 

On Labor Day weekend he took 2 extra days off to travel to my parents with me. He never showed any resistance to go to my parents. I thought visiting the parents was more symbolic of commitment than spending times with siblings.

[lana-banana]

If he's perfectly comfortable meeting your parents, it's not a commitment issue. But it doesn't sound like a drained introvert thing either. Maybe he really does have a pathological hatred of birthdays and celebrations, in which case it comes down to:

 

- Does he know this is very important to you? Have you said it explicitly?

- Is he still unwilling?

- Has he offered to spend more time with your family later?

 

If the answer to the second one is still yes, you have a bigger problem. It'a a party, not plutonium; brief exposure will not kill him. I will put up with almost anything if it matters a lot to someone I love. Isn't that par for the course?

[AMJ]

It'a a party, not plutonium; brief exposure will not kill him. I will put up with almost anything if it matters a lot to someone I love. Isn't that par for the course?

 

My friend watches NASCAR for her husband. If that's not a demonstration of true love, I don't know what is....

[katiegrl]

Very interesting, I need to explore this further.

 

On Labor Day weekend he took 2 extra days off to travel to my parents with me. He never showed any resistance to go to my parents. I thought visiting the parents was more symbolic of commitment than spending times with siblings.

 

Okay that's good!

 

I guess I'm back to thinking had you presented it in such way that didn't sound like a demand.... he would be more inclined to want to go.

 

I recall something like this came up once before and you said he totally resented your attempts to tell him what to do (i.e. control him); I think that is a real issue for him and one you should be cognizant of going forward.

Edited September 20, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Okay that's good!

 

I guess I'm back to thinking had you presented it in such way that didn't sound like a demand.... he would be more inclined to want to go.

 

I recall something like this came up once before and you said he totally resented your attempts to tell him what to do (i.e. control him); I think that is a real issue for him and one you should be cognizant of going forward.

 

Yes indeed. A couple of months ago I had a thread about him fearing being controlled.