Almost ghosted...dumped...can not cope

October 25, 2016

Thanks all...

Im not mailing him anything. His loss at this point.

Onward and upward!

November 23, 2016

This was actually really painful to read, maybe because it's so similar to my situation. In a way it was actually helpful to read though, makes me feel less alone & gives hope that I can get through this.

I'm glad you're doing much better now

December 28, 2016

I can't believe I am here to update this thread..

So basically a month ago this ex and I got together. He came to my house after many games, we spent the night together. It was amazing. He actually acted just like he did when we were together, like an amazing bf and all that. It was a bold choice for me to see him but I needed to end things on a better term. After he left I text him it was good to see him and that I had an amazing time. He texted me back and said he had fun too and he would try and see me again.

I didn't reach out to him or him to me for almost a month. His dad called me last week about his insurance. I had written a policy for his house under construction and as the construction is nearing finish, it has to be written to a different home insurance policy. I had to follow up with my ex a few days later. He called me and we discussed the insurance, he had a good quote already elsewhere so I told him to just go there ( was a good price and this way I don't have to deal with him). My office is an hr from him. There is no need for him to have insurance with me anymore. The conversation ended well and I was really releaved he was getting his insurance elsewhere now.

Of course that sent me for an emotional spin and I texted him that afternoon about how I'm not going to chase him anymore and I know he doesn't want to be with me but if things ever change I will always be here. Told him how much I care about him and what he means to me etc. I told him if he ever needed anything even a friend I am here. I won't be texting you again but you know where to find me. Pathetic I know I just needed one last "goodbye" before I left him in 2016 with the rest of my ****ty memories for the year.

I didn't expect him to reply and he didn't. Until last night. He text me at 10:30..the dreaded "hey..."

Turns out he wants me to quote his auto insurance. Being stupid and emotional and just happy to hear from him I agreed.... but now I am back at work and like, this is really the last thing I want is to have a connection to this man who broke my heart and continues to play with it, and have to handle his file all the time.

WHY he would come to me for this I have no idea. There are a hundred brokers between him and I, and I don't even do personal insurance normally (I do commercial/business side). What the hell do I do now.

December 28, 2016

So, you poured your heart out and he came back with an ambivalent "hey..." and a need for a quote.

Why he would come to you? Sex. It's because he knows you're weak for him and he'd like to keep you around when he needs relief.

You know this, Veve.

What do you do now? You close the door. Stop magnifying little crumbs into some type of declaration of what you think may be a sign of genuine interest.

December 28, 2016

well maybe but I would give him sex anytime so I don't know if thats the reason.

I was not in any way magnifying things and saying he was interested in me...I was asking what to do.

December 28, 2016

well maybe but I would give him sex anytime so I don't know if thats the reason.

I was not in any way magnifying things and saying he was interested in me...I was asking what to do.

The fact that you're asking what you need to do is indicative of you still in denial. You know what to do. Block him and move on. There is no need to reply. This situation has kept you stuck for far too long.

You poured your heart out. Just because he came back with hey and a request for a quote means nothing. He is not reciprocating your interest. And since he's given you an answer because that is his answer, you accept that it's dead and you move on. And that means blocking him and finally stop finding reasons to open doors.

December 28, 2016

yeah I didn't think he wanted me...I more thought he was playing games since he didn't have any reason to keep me in contact anymore.

Unfortunately by law I have to supply a quote for auto insurance if asked. I was going to ask a co worker to call him....but we aren't on bad terms so I just feel like thats kind of jerkish?

December 28, 2016

yeah I didn't think he wanted me...I more thought he was playing games since he didn't have any reason to keep me in contact anymore.

He wants to use you. It's very simple and straightforward.

Unfortunately by law I have to supply a quote for auto insurance if asked. I was going to ask a co worker to call him....but we aren't on bad terms so I just feel like thats kind of jerkish?

He's treated you like absolute rubbish. And you feel like a jerk because you can't provide him with a quote? Where is your self-respect and dignity? I mean, you pour your heart out and he gives you a crumb and you jump to appease him. What have you taught him?

At this point you're stooping so low because you're so hungry for validation from this man. And he knows this.

It's time you prioritize your self-respect and dignity versus worrying about the feelings of a man that has treated you poorly.

December 28, 2016

He wants to use you. It's very simple and straightforward.

He's treated you like absolute rubbish. And you feel like a jerk because you can't provide him with a quote? Where is your self-respect and dignity? I mean, you pour your heart out and he gives you a crumb and you jump to appease him. What have you taught him?

At this point you're stooping so low because you're so hungry for validation from this man. And he knows this.

It's time you prioritize your self-respect and dignity versus worrying about the feelings of a man that has treated you poorly.

I do agree about that, but that is an issue I have where I always try and help people out...and in this case someone who really doesn't deserve it.

I am not looking for validation from him...I don't need his or any mans validation but I for sure am not over him...I think that is clear.

I think the bold is useful and I will try to do this...thank you

December 28, 2016

I do agree about that, but that is an issue I have where I always try and help people out...and in this case someone who really doesn't deserve it.

The issue you struggle with is your poor self-esteem and boundaries. It's truly not about helping people out. It's about people that have low self-worth who seek validation under the guise of "helping". It's about needing to be liked. It's about needing acceptance. Help those that deserve help. Those that are genuine in their need for it. Help those that aren't out to use you. Helping someone that doesn't deserve it usually comes from a place of ulterior motive.

I am not looking for validation from him...I don't need his or any mans validation but I for sure am not over him...I think that is clear.

Yes, you do. That is why you sent him that goodbye message. And jumped at his nothing message. Be honest with yourself. It's fine to not be over him. That's a process you go through. But the fact that you still keep reaching out to him is clearly your need for validation.

I think the bold is useful and I will try to do this...thank you

Not try. No more trying. Just do.

Edited December 28, 2016 by Zahara

December 28, 2016

The issue you struggle with is your poor self-esteem. It's truly not about helping people out. It's about people that have low self-worth who seek validation under the guise of "helping". It's about needing to be liked. It's about needing acceptance. Help those that deserve help. Those that are genuine in their need for it. Help those that aren't out to use you. Helping someone that doesn't deserve it usually comes from a place of ulterior motive.

Yes, you do. That is why you sent him that goodbye message. Be honest with yourself. It's fine to not be over him. That's a process you go through. But the fact that you still keep reaching out to him is clearly your need for validation.

Not try. No more trying. Just do.

I just have to disagree about your assessment of myself, because I know that is normally the case but I don't have low self esteem. I dont help people out for my own benefit, I actually do care and hate to see people struggle etc. I am not looking for acceptance...if you knew me in person you would get it better but I am the furthest from one who is trying to please others to boost my own ego. I DNGAF what people think of me. I just have a big heart and a lot to give.

but what validation is there to seek from him? I know he doesn't want to be with me.... hoping he has a change of heart sure....I can dream

December 28, 2016

I do agree about that, but that is an issue I have where I always try and help people out...and in this case someone who really doesn't deserve it.

I am not looking for validation from him...I don't need his or any mans validation but I for sure am not over him...I think that is clear.

That's an issue of inappropriate boundaries. It's an issue where you prioritize other people's feelings over your well-being. It's also an issue of "giving to get." You are giving him something (the quote) because you expect something in return. In this case, you want his validation, company, and, in your heart, you know you want him back. It's not about you trying to help him out of the goodness of your heart.

You say you don't need his validation, but you have sought out his validation on many occasions. I think it's a positive step that you know it's unhealthy to seek out his validation, but your actions aren't matching up. That's the real test. I know it's hard, but this man is not going to give you a relationship. He wants to keep you on friendly terms, at arm's length, for sex and companionship. Several posters have said that from the beginning, and we've been proven right more than once. It's up to you though. You have to get honest with yourself about this if you want to make any progress.

As to what you should do, you know what to do. You cut him off, and don't answer him again. Get a co-worker to give him an insurance quote if it's required by law. There are several ways you could have prevented this situation, and there are ways out of it now. It's just a matter of you taking the necessary action.

December 28, 2016

I just have to disagree about your assessment of myself, because I know that is normally the case but I don't have low self esteem. I dont help people out for my own benefit, I actually do care and hate to see people struggle etc. I am not looking for acceptance...if you knew me in person you would get it better but I am the furthest from one who is trying to please others to boost my own ego. I DNGAF what people think of me. I just have a big heart and a lot to give.

but what validation is there to seek from him? I know he doesn't want to be with me.... hoping he has a change of heart sure....I can dream

Trust me, I've been where you are. Helping assclowns. It comes from a poor sense of self. I won't go into it any further but only to say that if you have poor boundaries in that you prioritize the needs of those that have treated you badly versus prioritizing your self-respect and dignity, you're not coming from a place of being true to loving yourself. As I said, help those that deserve help. When you choose to help those that hurt and manipulate you, you do it from an unhealthy place and a place that seeks acceptance.

You're hoping that just maybe this time, one last time, he's going to tell you what you want to hear. He's rejected you many times. Yet you sent another note telling him where to find you if he wanted you. You knew he didn't want to be with you a long time ago, but you still had to ask one more time.

Edited December 28, 2016 by Zahara

December 28, 2016

I just have to disagree about your assessment of myself, because I know that is normally the case but I don't have low self esteem. I dont help people out for my own benefit, I actually do care and hate to see people struggle etc. I am not looking for acceptance...if you knew me in person you would get it better but I am the furthest from one who is trying to please others to boost my own ego. I DNGAF what people think of me. I just have a big heart and a lot to give.

but what validation is there to seek from him? I know he doesn't want to be with me.... hoping he has a change of heart sure....I can dream

It's fine to hate to see people struggle. I'm glad you feel that way, but some people aren't worthy of the help. You have to cut some people off when it's clear they are using you and not reciprocating your feelings. In your case, you are clearly being hurt by further contact from this guy. You are suffering and unable to move forward. The guy wants an insurance quote. He can get that from anyone. You are not putting him under any hardship to get a quote from someone else. So the reason you are doing this cannot be to help him out. That makes absolutely no sense.

What you are doing is putting yourself under emotional hardship by continuing to engage with him. So it begs the question. Why put yourself in a bad spot? What are you getting from this? I think it's obvious that you want to keep this guy around and keep him on good terms because you think he might change his mind. He still has something you need and can't find within yourself. Validation that you are a good person and worth something better. Only you can give that to yourself.

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December 28, 2016

Yeah I suppose you are right, both of you.

I just don't think I need validation from him. I think I am or was in love and just can't let go. Even my friends are like....I have never seen you so love sick over someone. Not sure what he gave me that I was missing that now I am so desperate to get back. You guys could be right...I just need to figure out what it is.

It's true that contact from him does nothing but hurt me...I guess I am a dreamer and don't want to believe that there is no hope for us ever. I mean I told him I would be here for him and here he is asking me for something...I would feel like my word meant **** if I just blew him off...plus I just miss him in general

I honestly didn't think I would hear from him again but yet here I am. I'm a sucker for self punishment apparently.

December 28, 2016

Yeah I suppose you are right, both of you.

I just don't think I need validation from him. I think I am or was in love and just can't let go. Even my friends are like....I have never seen you so love sick over someone. Not sure what he gave me that I was missing that now I am so desperate to get back. You guys could be right...I just need to figure out what it is.

It's true that contact from him does nothing but hurt me...I guess I am a dreamer and don't want to believe that there is no hope for us ever. I mean I told him I would be here for him and here he is asking me for something...I would feel like my word meant **** if I just blew him off...plus I just miss him in general

I honestly didn't think I would hear from him again but yet here I am. I'm a sucker for self punishment apparently.

I understand loving someone and wishing things were different. I understand wanting to compromise what I know is in my best interest in the hopes they will come back. I've been in that position and made some decisions that weren't in my best interest.

I wouldn't worry about going back on your statement that you would be there to help him if he needed it. You are allowed to change your mind. Changing your mind will not put him under any hardship, and I honestly doubt he will think much of it. I think he will just continue on with his life. At one point, I told my ex I wanted to be friends. Well, I changed my mind. It happens. I doubt he cares much.

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December 28, 2016

and here I was all ready to say goodbye to 2016 and have my fresh start. Said goodbye to him, moving to a new farm, and mentally I was ready to say goodbye and close the door. I hadn't reached out to him in almost a month and then he comes back with this.

I still have a lot of learning to do in regards to moving on I think.

Thanks for the insight.

December 28, 2016

and here I was all ready to say goodbye to 2016 and have my fresh start. Said goodbye to him, moving to a new farm, and mentally I was ready to say goodbye and close the door. I hadn't reached out to him in almost a month and then he comes back with this.

But you weren't ready to close the door. You sent a note to him and that translated as an open door. You both talked about insurance and it was done. Then you went back to seek him out. As much manipulation as he has shown, you should have known that your note would only serve as a reason for him to walk in again.

You need to take accountability/full responsibility for where you are and this isn't his fault anymore. You opened the door.

December 28, 2016

You need to take accountability/full responsibility for where you are and this isn't his fault anymore. You opened the door.

I can't argue with that at all...I agree. I'm a sucker for this at this point. I guess I was hoping to put it all out there one last time. Now I am definitely paying the price, having him text me at 10:30 at night about effin auto insurance haha

someone smack me already.

December 28, 2016

I can't argue with that at all...I agree. I'm a sucker for this at this point. I guess I was hoping to put it all out there one last time. Now I am definitely paying the price, having him text me at 10:30 at night about effin auto insurance haha

someone smack me already.

I'm thinking he was going -- hmm, me want sex...it's 10:30pm so what excuse can I give Veve to break the ice? Ah, auto insurance!

He's a numbnut. One day you're going to look back and laugh about this clown!

December 28, 2016

OP, you are doing this all wrong.

Believe me, I know how u feel. My 9 year LDR ended start of 2015 and it was so incredibly hard. I went LC for about a year where there would be a tiny bit of contact every 2 months or so.

Well, the last 5 months I went total NC and guess what, I just got a text yesterday from the Ex asking me how I was going.

After all the meaningless texts and other crap, this is the first message in so long, where I feel like it empowered me rather than hurt me. I haven't responded nor will I in the future (unless she sent some more meaningful messages).

NC really does work in so many ways. It's not guaranteed to brig your Ex back but its guaranteed to make you stronger and shift things back so your both on equal ground.

This last 5 months was very hard because I finally did the NC totally just for me. I allowed myself to feel the hurt every moment I needed, knowing my Ex wasn't there to participate. The process makes you unbelievably strong.

Honestly go the NC route and in a few months you can post a new thread saying your Ex contacted you and you didn't even want to respond.

Do I still have some feeling for my Ex? Absolutely. But I accepted the fact that nothing good was going to happen in the position I was. This message from my Ex confirms I am going in the right direction as she has gained a renewed respect in me for the strength I have shown.

Good luck, you can do it.

December 28, 2016

I'm thinking he was going -- hmm, me want sex...it's 10:30pm so what excuse can I give Veve to break the ice? Ah, auto insurance!

He's a numbnut. One day you're going to look back and laugh about this clown!

lol well I wish that was what he wanted because I would have been all about that! I think he prefers to play with my heart....

I do think that....that some day I am going to be like WHY was I so in love...but today is not that day haha

December 28, 2016

Good luck, you can do it.

Thanks...I have been trying and failing since the end of August haha so...here's hoping 2017 is my year for maintaining NC.

December 28, 2016

that some day I am going to be like WHY was I so in love...but today is not that day haha

In love with him or in love with the idea of him? An image you have of him in your head? His potential or the reality?

Take him down from that pedestal. The first step to accepting that he's not all that and it really isn't worth it.

December 28, 2016

and here I was all ready to say goodbye to 2016 and have my fresh start. Said goodbye to him, moving to a new farm, and mentally I was ready to say goodbye and close the door. I hadn't reached out to him in almost a month and then he comes back with this.

I still have a lot of learning to do in regards to moving on I think.

Thanks for the insight.

I've learned that when you leave the door open a tiny crack, it can cause a whole lot of problems.

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Almost ghosted...dumped...can not cope

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