Almost ghosted...dumped...can not cope

[winny]

I am not drama...at all. I am super laid back and chill. <<--- That's one thing you are not as proved by all your updates on this thread.

 

Yes I tell him how I feel, but it is always from my heart and not to pressure him. I have been trying for months to stop talking to him but he always works his way in <<---- Try harder. One text/call and he is in having sex... that's not you trying at all.

 

I honestly wish it was about sex but it isn't... I have offered and he has never taken me up on it. <<--- What are you hoping to get out of that??

 

We ended up texting until 2 am. Just talking about his house and moving and what not. He said he wants to come see me. <<--- Yes, keep texting. That's gonna solve this problem.

 

I wish I was stronger. What the hell is wrong with me <<--- Low self worth. Not thinking long term and the big picture. Hanging around with losers under the name of love, no boundaries, inability to see people for what they are, allowing any loser to use you and abuse you.

 

Can you just take a clean break from guys, dating, FWB, work on yourself and then start over? Sometimes when we are in the middle of it all, we don't get to see things from an outsider's perspective and fail to move on. A clean break might help. Did you block him yet?

[winny]

I guess you would all have to meet me to know me, but I do not have low self esteem, self worth, etc. Like, at all. You can say I'm in denial and I'm sure it looks that way but I am happy with who I am. I think I am the complete package and whoever I end up will be lucky to have me. I am really happy in life, this is the only aspect of my life that I struggle with and it has only been this man that has been a struggle for me to get over. I feel it has to be some other issue at play with myself.

 

What does your therapist say about this all?

[winny]

Listen Veve, sorry if I have sounded harsh. *hugs*

 

I have been there with one guy in past and that guy reaches out to me even now after 7 years!!! :lmao:

 

These guys will NEVER leave you alone! It took me around 7-8 months to remove him from my life because I thought I am in love.

Looking back I know it was anything but love. And I wasted 7-8 months.

 

The day I took my power back was when he said can he come over and I said NO. And never looked back. My friends helped me to do this. By repeating stuff to me that I didn't believe. Like you I thought oh I should help him... I am a large hearted person. Now I realize how stupid I was... ha ha...

 

He still finds ways to reach me and I just ignore him.

[VeveCakes]

I am not drama...at all. I am super laid back and chill. <<--- That's one thing you are not as proved by all your updates on this thread.

 

Yes I tell him how I feel, but it is always from my heart and not to pressure him. I have been trying for months to stop talking to him but he always works his way in <<---- Try harder. One text/call and he is in having sex... that's not you trying at all.

 

I honestly wish it was about sex but it isn't... I have offered and he has never taken me up on it. <<--- What are you hoping to get out of that??

 

We ended up texting until 2 am. Just talking about his house and moving and what not. He said he wants to come see me. <<--- Yes, keep texting. That's gonna solve this problem.

 

I wish I was stronger. What the hell is wrong with me <<--- Low self worth. Not thinking long term and the big picture. Hanging around with losers under the name of love, no boundaries, inability to see people for what they are, allowing any loser to use you and abuse you.

 

Can you just take a clean break from guys, dating, FWB, work on yourself and then start over? Sometimes when we are in the middle of it all, we don't get to see things from an outsider's perspective and fail to move on. A clean break might help. Did you block him yet?

 

LOL well I wasn't chill when he ghosted me no, but I am in general. I am a writer also and so a lot of my thought process happens when I put things in writing, plus I love the support here so thats why I always update! I just mean, I am laid back in person. I don't get mad, argue, etc. I do wear my heart on my sleeve...and am very open about my feelings.

 

What I was hoping to get out of sex was...sex with someone I love to have sex with. Honestly last time we slept together I felt great after and wasn't emotional at all.

 

I know the texting isn't helping

 

I just want to say I appreciate all the advice and those of you who have taken the time to analyze the situation. I know it is frustrating to read this all from the outside. I know better, it is just a struggle. I am going to continue not dating anyone for a while until I move past this (I haven't been trying or online dating at all for a while). If it is low self esteem I am not sure what else I can do there. I love my job, my home, and feel confident in my body and my appearance. I have a hobby I am passionate about and really amazing friends...the only thing missing is a wonderful man. I feel like I would be an amazing partner.

 

I am not going to be reaching out to him. I know I should turn down the sex if he wants it but that will be really hard for me. I am moving my farm in the next few weeks though so that should keep me pretty occupied for the time being!

 

What does your therapist say about this all?

 

She thinks he is avoidant, and not capable of getting close to someone. She thinks he triggers my attachment style and that is why it is hard for me let go. Every time I make progress he comes back, cycle repeats itself. She does not blame it on self worth etc. She says it is %100 my attachment style matched with his.

[BlkVelvet]

My therapist recommended Attached and feels he is classic avoidant...so I get exactly what you are saying. (I was seeing her for some prior relationship trauma and she helped me through this break up initially)

 

I feel like I love him, I mean I really care about him and his happiness. I miss him all the time.

 

She also said the same you said above - that it wasn't the real him. It's a concept that is hard for me to agree with. I am trying...just not quite there yet.

 

I get it. It's hard to grasp after they have come on so very strong, loving, attentive, and consistent. Mine kept planning a life with me. He kept saying that he KNOWS Im going tp be his,wife. He lavished me with love, attention, adoration, protection, and backed it all up with actions. I met his family and his mother loved me. She was "ECSTATIC" that her 43 year old son had FINALLY found a woman he could spend his life with. He hadn't brought anyone home in 10 years or more!

 

He never treated me different or backed away from me up until the MOMENT he called it quits after the pettiest argument I've ever had in my entire life. Then, he blocked me from FB the next morning. I was SHELLSHOCKED. I couldn't believe this was MY ****. I never got a proper explantion either All he told me (through text, no less) was that he thought he was ready but he wasn't and that he thinks he felt "trapped". Aside frome one phone call on Thanksgiving asking if we could talk when he got back into town, I haven't heard a peep from him. AAndnd he's been back for weeks now. It broke my heart. But he cares more about HIS feelings than mine right now. He KNOWS what he said and did to make me belive in him. And he also knows that the way he left me was cowardly and quite s*****. I still love care deeply for him and I miss him to pieces. But I know in my heart I could never lay with him again, let alone take him back. Im offended by his behavior toward me and I KNOW I deserve better. I wish he was the man he showed me because THAT dude is fantastic. I also know that that's the guy he WANTS to be. But he's NOT THAT PERSON. And he couldn't keep up the charade. Its as simple as that, and yes, it makes me very sad.

 

One of the last things he said to me was that he felt like he had a "wife". I should have seen the end coming at that point. Feeling like you are wife material gives the TRUE commitmentphobe the willies. They feel like they are trapoed animals and all they can think of is how to get away. They can love you, but they CANNOT commit to you and they will find a way to escape no matter who it hurts.

 

But, because they cant commit, they a lot of times can't commit to shutting the door permanently either, so they vascillate. They come and they go, and this can go on for YEARS causing you immense pain and devastation in the meantime. They're never really there and they're never really gone either. You can end up wasting much precious time with a creep like this. You cannot change him; you have to GET OUT or you WILL be sorry.

 

Seriously. Get the book. Read the 5-star reviews on Amazon and the similar stories those women tell. It will really help a lot.

[VeveCakes]

One of the last things he said to me was that he felt like he had a "wife". I should have seen the end coming at that point. Feeling like you are wife material gives the TRUE commitmentphobe the willies. They feel like they are trapoed animals and all they can think of is how to get away. They can love you, but they CANNOT commit to you and they will find a way to escape no matter who it hurts.

 

But, because they cant commit, they a lot of times can't commit to shutting the door permanently either, so they vascillate. They come and they go, and this can go on for YEARS causing you immense pain and devastation in the meantime. They're never really there and they're never really gone either. You can end up wasting much precious time with a creep like this. You cannot change him; you have to GET OUT or you WILL be sorry.

 

Seriously. Get the book. Read the 5-star reviews on Amazon and the similar stories those women tell. It will really help a lot.

 

never thought of it that way...he can't commit to closing the door either. Great way to put it. I will download it tonight, thanks for the recommendation!

[anna121]

 

someone smack me already.

 

Good God woman!

 

Get it together.

 

You are not over him...want to take a wild guess as to why?

 

It is utterly painful to read this thread. Please, please, please do not ever respond to him again. Your most recent message basically telling him that you are Ms. Doormat ready to accept him back at any time...was cringeworthy.

 

I'm sorry - I know I am being harsh here but....this is absurd.

[bluefeather]

ok VeveCakes. I don't think you are looking for advice anymore and are just venting. I will leave you to it. :waves:

[VeveCakes]

Good God woman!

 

Get it together.

 

You are not over him...want to take a wild guess as to why?

 

It is utterly painful to read this thread. Please, please, please do not ever respond to him again. Your most recent message basically telling him that you are Ms. Doormat ready to accept him back at any time...was cringeworthy.

 

I'm sorry - I know I am being harsh here but....this is absurd.

 

I appreciate the harshness, honestly thanks

 

ok VeveCakes. I don't think you are looking for advice anymore and are just venting. I will leave you to it. :waves:

 

Lol well probably a bit of both, but I did think long and hard about what everyone said yesterday. I can't let this guy occupy my mind for another minute.

[anika99]

Wow! This relationship was only 2.5 months long when all this drama started back in August and now 4 months on the drama continues.

 

All I got to say is that neither one of you love or cares for the other and you never did. This relationship went to hell before either of you knew each other well enough to be in love and its all been drama and game playing since then. You are both addicted to the drama and the games. That is all it is. You can call it whatever you want but any outsider can see that your actions and continued involvement with this person is anything but love and caring. It's not even about him anymore, he could be anyone at this point. This is all about you and whatever it is inside of you that's attracted to this dysfunction.

 

This nonsense with this guy will continue until you accept that you are creating this drama yourself and then get to the bottom of why you are doing so. I'm not going to bash the guy because he is no worse than you. You could both walk away from this silliness anytime you want to yet you both choose this drama and dysfunction. Maybe one day you will get it but for now you seem stuck in denial so I guess this will go on for many more months, maybe even years but I hope for your own sake that it doesn't.

[VeveCakes]

Not sure where you got 2.5 months but we actually dated for almost 5 months. We were "official (bf/gf)" for 3. Just wanted to clarify that. Not sure you can tell someone they don't love someone, I did and do love him to death and that's why this has been so hard for me. Has nothing to do with being addicted to drama and games and everything about being me being pathetic hoping something will change down the road and clearly it isn't going to, I just have a hard time accepting that and letting go.

 

Not trying to hate on him at all or blame him for anything. Was merely looking for insight on the break up and now why it is so hard for me to move on.

[BC1980]

never thought of it that way...he can't commit to closing the door either. Great way to put it. I will download it tonight, thanks for the recommendation!

 

Sometimes, you have to be the one to close the door. Some people will never close the door as long as they are getting something from you. Can't commit to a relationship but can't commit to closing the door. The heart of the problem is that you both want different things from the relationship. You want an actual committed relationship. He wants to dip in and out of your life, as his will, for whatever he needs at the moment (companionship, sex, insurance quote). It's a good deal for him but not for you.

[BlkVelvet]

Not sure where you got 2.5 months but we actually dated for almost 5 months. We were "official (bf/gf)" for 3. Just wanted to clarify that. Not sure you can tell someone they don't love someone, I did and do love him to death and that's why this has been so hard for me. Has nothing to do with being addicted to drama and games and everything about being me being pathetic hoping something will change down the road and clearly it isn't going to, I just have a hard time accepting that and letting go.

 

Not trying to hate on him at all or blame him for anything. Was merely looking for insight on the break up and now why it is so hard for me to move on.

 

 

LOl, yeah, I really find it odd when internet strangers tell another person how they feel or don't feel. No one can dictate to anyone else when "love" happens.

 

But. . .if you don't love yourself first, you really can't love another properly. So there is that.

[Popsicle]

Oh, Vevecakes. I just read your whole thread. What a rollercoaster ride you've been on. I don't know, the only thought that kept going through my head is that this guy is just not ready for a mature relationship, even though he may want one. People can do all sorts of tricks and twists to protect themselves when they haven't done the hard work to to sort their issues out (myself included sometimes). This is what I think of when I read about his actions. Maybe in another time it would have been better. I hope you can not take his actions personally and not think that he didn't want you, but rather that he just wasn't ready.

[KatZee]

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1468184512/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

 

Please check out this book. I'm almost done with it.

 

It explains a lot about these types of men, and the women who attract them and the women who ultimately lose themselves, their pride, dignity, and self-respect, chasing after guys who don't want to be caught.

 

The woman will spin her wheels doing everything, and ANYTHING to bring the relationship back to "the beginning" when everything was so so so so amazing, and you know you can get back there if he would just.....

 

 

Read the book.

 

Block him.

 

Heal yourself.

 

Move on.

 

 

He's broken. You're broken. This is why you were magnets to each other from the start. This will never end well. You're in the push/pull cycle and you need to get out. There's no fixing this.

Edited December 31, 2016 by KatZee

[Itspointless]

Not sure where you got 2.5 months but we actually dated for almost 5 months. We were "official (bf/gf)" for 3. Just wanted to clarify that. Not sure you can tell someone they don't love someone, I did and do love him to death and that's why this has been so hard for me. Has nothing to do with being addicted to drama and games and everything about being me being pathetic hoping something will change down the road and clearly it isn't going to, I just have a hard time accepting that and letting go.

 

Not trying to hate on him at all or blame him for anything. Was merely looking for insight on the break up and now why it is so hard for me to move on.

As BC1980 wrote, sometimes it is us that have to close the door even as closing is the last thing on earth we want to do. (I only have read your first post in this thread and some on that page). Sometimes the people we feel best with are the people who in the end are the worst for us. It is that knowledge that most of the time keeps me from reminiscing. In some cases time does not cure everything, but it does take away that feeling of feeling lost.

 

You probably should read up on attachment-styles.

 

Make it a happier new year for yourself!

[Louisesarah]

Hello I feel for you because I'm going through exactly the same thing.

We had been together 3/4 months everything great,said I was a keeper etc.

Then he was having problems with work family became distant.

He said he wanted to see me..then we got into w argument (think he was looking for a reason) then he rang me the next day I missed the call so rang him back and got no answer.

Fast forward 13 days and nothing..yet kept me ok Facebook and snspchat (still viewing my snap chat story)

Yesterday he liked a post on my Facebook (yet never told me why or if you we were over)

I sent him a snap last night saying HNY and he opened it and started typing but got no message.

I don't understand what happened

I'm sorry it happened to you too..I don't know what to do

[VeveCakes]

Update.... don't panic everyone haha

 

I just wanted to let you all know after I updated this three weeks ago I actually acted on all the advice and blocked my ex everywhere.

 

I texted him New Years eve just asking if he cared about me at all....no reply (figured). I thought even if he cares as a friend...but he couldn't even text me back.

 

So Jan 1st I deleted and blocked him from everything possible. I never texted him anything, I just cut the cord. I have been NC for 20 days, longest ever, and I am not going to cave this time.

 

The NC has been hard for sure- I have not lurked or anything, and I feel soooo much better!! I feel like I am moving on. Slowly, but surely.

 

Just wanted to thank everyone, for all the encouragement and support.

[Ilovepizzalady]

Good job blocking him. I was love bombed like this once, he even BUILT ME A SWING from wood and cooked for me and all these loving things. Turns out he had another girl he was dating (love bombing) at the same time, and more in the works.

 

Guaranteed this guy does this and has a string of women he can call sporadically. That is why his contact is continuous but also random.

 

He knows he is **** that's why he calls himself ****. People tell us who they are, but we don't believe them, because we want them to be who we want them to be. He's not it.

 

Good job NC! Keep it up.

[BC1980]

The NC has been hard for sure- I have not lurked or anything, and I feel soooo much better!! I feel like I am moving on. Slowly, but surely.

 

Great! It is hard at first, but it eventually becomes a freeing feeling. A weight lifts after awhile because you aren't in limbo or waiting around to see if he calls.

 

Save

[winny]

Yay!!! :)

So happy for you!!!

[Nadine123]

Great job veve! whenever you feel like contacting him come post here!

[divegrl]

Hi Vevecakes

 

I just wanted to thank you for posting your story on here and congratulate you on your continued NC! So proud of you!