Almost ghosted...dumped...can not cope

[Mr. Karma]

I am really sorry but to me it is very obvious he is not in to you. Busy is not an argument. If you like someone you will find the five minutes to return a call or write a message. He clearly didn't either.

 

I know plenty of my buddies that go for a ghosting strategy. They don't have the guts to break up the proper way. What I think of it is not relevant but it happens. Honestly I even think you cornered yourself as an option. He is in control and I would not be surprised if he would contact you in the near future. It will never be the same. Think about that. Move on

[VeveCakes]

I am really sorry but to me it is very obvious he is not in to you. Busy is not an argument. If you like someone you will find the five minutes to return a call or write a message. He clearly didn't either.

 

I know plenty of my buddies that go for a ghosting strategy. They don't have the guts to break up the proper way. What I think of it is not relevant but it happens. Honestly I even think you cornered yourself as an option. He is in control and I would not be surprised if he would contact you in the near future. It will never be the same. Think about that. Move on

 

Did you read the whole thread? He has no way to contact me now...

[Mr. Karma]

Yes I did. He will find a way to contact you. Options are endles nowadays.

 

I had a female stalker (not saying he is!) and even being very web savvy she passed my blockades.

 

But it is not a matter if he does. It is how you will respond. Let's assume he will send you a 'Sorry I have been really busy and self centered the past few months due to my house. I have more time now. How are you doing?' message

 

How would you respond?

[Zahara]

I don't know...I felt bad because he apologized and I know how emotionally closed off he is. I think that was really hard for him. I wanted him to see that apologizing is the right thing to do, I don't want to be cold an nasty. I guess I just wanted to see what he wanted last night. Glimmer of hope he still cares...but then when I talked to him I was kinda like meh I dont actually care.

 

I have blocked him now. I told him it was in my best interest for him to not contact me anymore as I am trying to move on.

 

Blocked and deleted the texts.

 

Starting NC for the 50th time. This time he has no way to reach me short of driving to my house.

 

It's time to stop taking it upon yourself to teach people how to behave and to stop tolerating and accepting bad behavior just because they can't see past their nose. It would be more useful to reflect on why you keep choosing to make excuses and exceptions for him. Still trying to get him to validate you? If he's emotionally closed off and has no concept of remorse/apologizing, don't try to teach someone how to behave the way you want them to but accept them for who they are and realize it's beyond you to make them find self-awareness.

 

Ignoring is not cold and nasty. You're just teaching people that you won't accept disrespect and you are self-preserving. Someone like him does not deserve anything.

 

It's good that you have blocked him but if anything, you should be looking into your own behavior and why you keep allowing him in versus trying to check his behavior.

[Toodaloo]

I know...we were actually together for 5 months but starting referring to each other bf/gf after 2. Anyways it doesn't even matter now.

 

He unblocked me from his phone and sent me a text saying he was sorry and that he knows he was acting like an ass. I just replied "ok".

 

Then he text me last night asking how I was and I did talk to him, just small talk. I could tell he was trying to lead the conversation into something like getting me to ask him to come over. He told me he went out partying all weekend and he shouldn't have. I just gave him one word answers and he said "I guess I shouldn't have been such an idiot". I just said I forgave him for what happened and I hope he finds whatever he needs to be happy. I said I am hurt but I can't change your feelings, I am just taking it day by day and not to worry about me.

 

I actually feel 10000 times better. I went out Friday night with my room mate and as shallow as it is I had so many guys hitting on me. I just thought, what the hell am I crying over this guy for. I need to stop letting him drag me down into his world of misery. He dumped me almost three weeks ago yet I still hear from him almost daily. He is just messing with my head. I think I am past the sad stage and into the MEH stage. I wasn't upset last night and I'm not upset this morning. I am more annoyed now that he keeps reaching out to me.

 

I have read the book Attached and he is a classic avoidant. Every thing he does now shows this to me. Now matter what he says, he will never be able to be the man I need and want in my life. A best friend, a partner.

 

I feel like I am making progress. I love you all so much for following along and staying with me here for support.

 

Yay!!! Good on you Veve!

 

I almost got asked out by a guy I was chatting to last year but he chickened on me. LOL I also got turned down on second message because I smoke... I didn't reply but I wasn't going to date him anyway as he is way too young and looks like bit of a pious pillock if I am honest... Turns out I was right in just 2 messages!!

 

I have been thinking about my ex. It was his birthday this weekend and not being able to spoil him and make a fuss of him was sheer hell if I am honest. But its OK. I kept myself distracted.

 

Keep at it Veve and you will get there.

[BC1980]

Then he text me last night asking how I was and I did talk to him, just small talk. I could tell he was trying to lead the conversation into something like getting me to ask him to come over.

 

He's just hitting you up to get laid. That's about it at this point. As everyone else said, block him, and move on.

[VeveCakes]

 

But it is not a matter if he does. It is how you will respond. Let's assume he will send you a 'Sorry I have been really busy and self centered the past few months due to my house. I have more time now. How are you doing?' message

 

How would you respond?

 

I'm not going to respond. I am done.

 

 

Ignoring is not cold and nasty. You're just teaching people that you won't accept disrespect and you are self-preserving. Someone like him does not deserve anything.

 

It's good that you have blocked him but if anything, you should be looking into your own behavior and why you keep allowing him in versus trying to check his behavior.

 

Well I am in therapy and I know why I always let him in. It's because of my attachment style...and basically I'm always rewarded with thinking he cares when he comes back. I'm working on getting over him. I just do actually care about him...it's not easy for me to be mean and cold. I used to be like that years ago and I just don't want to be that person anymore. I have left this situation feeling good and strong right now. I have accepted that we are not going to be back together regardless of what he wants. I was still weak and would have taken him back before. I'm passed that now.

 

Youre doing great Toodaloo. Keep it up

 

BC - maybe. I didn't get that vibe but who knows. He knows I would have probably given in if he asked to come over. He didn't go there. I blocked him anyways.

 

I'm trying guys...thanks for the help

[BC1980]

I just do actually care about him...it's not easy for me to be mean and cold. I used to be like that years ago and I just don't want to be that person anymore.

 

This is good stuff you can talk about in therapy. How to create healthy boundaries. How to accept that creating boundaries can oftentimes be very uncomfortable, especially in the beginning. Over the past few years, I've had to really realign my priorities and look at how I was trying to be a people please, trying to make everyone like me and never rock the boat by speaking up. Those are hard issues to face. Learning to prioritize yourself when it's appropriate is really difficult for a lot of us. It's taken me the past 3 years to get to a place where I feel comfortable prioritizing myself when I need to.

 

It is difficult to be cold to someone. It goes against that people pleasing nature of wanting to be nice to everyone. But oftentimes being nice to everyone had the ulterior motive of getting everyone to like you. And not everyone in life is going to like you, and that's okay.

Save

[Zahara]

Well I am in therapy and I know why I always let him in. It's because of my attachment style...and basically I'm always rewarded with thinking he cares when he comes back. I'm working on getting over him. I just do actually care about him...it's not easy for me to be mean and cold. I used to be like that years ago and I just don't want to be that person anymore. I have left this situation feeling good and strong right now. I have accepted that we are not going to be back together regardless of what he wants. I was still weak and would have taken him back before. I'm passed that now.

 

I think this is where you need to cultivate boundaries. There's a difference between mean/cold versus implementing a healthy boundary to protect yourself rather than to protect him.

 

You can't cut him off because you feel you are being mean and cold because you want to create a positive impression of yourself on him in hopes he validates you or likes you. There is a difference.

 

Hopefully this time you stay on that NC wagon and that your journey into healing and self-reflection helps you move on.

[VeveCakes]

Yes I obviously don't want to be remembered as a cold bitch or something. I used to be the polar opposite so I think I swung to the far other side of the pendulum. I will ask my therapist to touch on this with me. Thanks.

[Toodaloo]

I prescribe listening to lots of upbeat and happy music.

 

Do not listen to anything that is lovey dovey or going on about getting your own back or anything like that. Just very happy music regardless of whether you want to listen to it or not. I tell you that has helped me enormously this time round.

 

I am still having my moments but on the whole getting there. I feel more positive and happy these days. I do miss him.

 

I have a cold right now and the sad thing is I know if we were still together he wouldn't help me in any way...

[VeveCakes]

just posting an update to share how much I suck at NC.

 

I was doing good then his friend texted me about meeting him to pass my ex the money I owe him. So I called him to ask why he got his friend involved and that I could meet him whenever. He said he was sorry and that he knew he was blocked....so whatever. We were supposed to meet that Friday then I never heard from him.

 

Fast forward a week later. I re download instagram and I find old messages from him so I just sent him a middle finger emoji. Yeah mature I know but whatever, I was mad he was still trying to message me after everything. He replies "I just don't understand why you are all of a sudden mad at me". So I just basically replied and told him how much he hurt me and that I was trying to move on but he won't leave me alone so he is making it impossible and that if he didnt owe me an explanation then I certainly didnt owe him one. He just replied he doesnt know what to say to that. I didnt reply and just left it at that.

 

A week later his friend who texted me adds me to SnapChat and starts hitting on me. He is trying to get with me. I'm trying to figure out if they are up to something or if this guy is just a terrible friend....I don't say much but he is coming on pretty strong.

 

NC until Saturday night 1 am I get a text "hey". So I talk to him (my ex) for an hour and hes being all nice and asking about my horses....I cut the convo off and say I have to go to bed and he says "I see how it is". I dont reply. Then he calls me today. I told him about his friend. He says it wasn't him and he doesnt know why hes doing that. He said he was avoiding his calls for the last few weeks....I said yeah I just thought you should know...and dont give my number to any of your other friends. He says ok and then I just hang up on him because its too hard hearing his voice. I messaged him that he needs to give me space so I can move on. Its not helping with him always messaging me.

 

He texts me an hr later and says "sorry for keeping you up late Saturday". Then makes a new snap chat and adds me there and sends me a bunch of stuff about his day.

 

Like seriously? I don't even know what to think at this point...Im so done with the blocking and having him find ways to message me and then start the cycle again when really he wants nothing from me. Any insight into why hes doing this?

[Zahara]

Any insight into why hes doing this?

 

Veve, it's his ego. He's had you falling over him and now you're stepping away and he realizes he has lost control. That's all it is.

 

I think you're wanting and open to the attention as well -- hoping that it may turn into something positive. So you cave, you find ways to leave doors/windows open for him, you engage, etc. This isn't just about him. You've given him clear enough signs that he can bust boundaries. So, he'll bust them.

 

Block him on everything. Shut down your social media if it helps you to move on. Stop talking to his friends. There is no need to re-load, dowload, etc. anything for now. Disappear. It's called self-preservation.

[Zahara]

Also, it's not his responsibility to help you with your NC. It is your responsibility to enforce and you need to abide by your own boundaries.

[VeveCakes]

Also, it's not his responsibility to help you with your NC. It is your responsibility to enforce and you need to abide by your own boundaries.

 

Definitely. It's really hard for some reason I just cant let go of him. I mean I was doing good for a bit there.

[Zahara]

Definitely. It's really hard for some reason I just cant let go of him. I mean I was doing good for a bit there.

 

It's hard to let go, yes. But at some point you have to come to terms with the fact that it is getting you nowhere and maybe you'll only learn by getting to a point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. But why does it have to get to that point?

 

Another motivator would be your WANT to retain your self-respect and dignity -- use that as a reason to stay strong and steadfast. All you've taught him is that you will tolerate ill treatment. And that is another reason he keeps coming around.

 

You have to be all in. There's no midway, half-baked, so-so NC. Doing good there for a bit only because he was not bugging you, but the moment an opportunity presented itself for you to break NC, you did.

 

Get back on the wagon. Block him everywhere. Stop with social media because it's a complete m*** f*** when you are trying to heal. And block his friends from contacting you as well.

[VeveCakes]

You have to be all in. There's no midway, half-baked, so-so NC. Doing good there for a bit only because he was not bugging you, but the moment an opportunity presented itself for you to break NC, you did.

 

Get back on the wagon. Block him everywhere. Stop with social media because it's a complete m*** f*** when you are trying to heal. And block his friends from contacting you as well.

 

yeah that is true....I am super weak when it comes to him. I guess I just don't get why the effort when he wants nothing from me. I guess the Ego like you said. Thats sad.

 

I am doing better moving on, I have been dating and not thinking about him at all. I have come to terms with the fact he doesn't want to be with me. I guess thats why Im more nonchalant about the whole thing but it obviously does still effect me to an extent.

 

I can't block his friends as I don't have their contact info. I have blocked the one already. Thanks

[Cookiesandough]

I'm so sorry. He seems to be fading, but giving breadcrumbs, keeping on the hook..whether he's losing interest, genuinely too busy, or has another woman is unknown. What is known is he doesn't want to say. I think incessantly demanding he tell you why will not do you any favors. he wants space so you take space too. Wait for him to contact you.

[ChickiePops]

1. You need to tell him to eff off. It's hard..but if he's gonna keep messing with you then it has to be done.

 

2. You have horses???? That's so freakin cool!!

[VeveCakes]

1. You need to tell him to eff off. It's hard..but if he's gonna keep messing with you then it has to be done.

 

2. You have horses???? That's so freakin cool!!

 

ok....1 has been done!

 

2..yes, thank you I am very lucky that way!

 

Just an update....of course this is the breadcrumb train that never ends.

 

EX messaged me the week before my bday (the 9th). Talked to me all day for three days straight (yeah I'm dumb and weak and engaged). He said he was going to make time to come and see me for my bday....then when it came to make concrete plans (what day he was coming) he wasn't answering my texts.....so I lost on it and said enough of the games. Forget coming to see me, want your money then tell me when and where to meet. He said he wanted to meet half way between me and him, and wants cash only (no e transfer or cheque maybe he wants me to see him in person). Anyways he was replying to my texts normally and then when I said ok when and where to meet...guess what...NO REPLY.

 

This was the 13th. I do not text him. Then I get a text on the 17th..."hey been so busy sorry I didnt get back to you".

 

But this time, I DIDNT REPLY. I have not since then....this is the longest I have been NC and the first time I have been able to hold out on replying. I know its only a week but it is significant for me. I feel like I am strong enough to continue with NC finally.

 

I did everything I could to get him his money but meh....his waiting 4 days to reply to my text pretty much told me anything I ever needed to know.

[Zahara]

of course this is the breadcrumb train that never ends.

 

He knows you are always available to it and you want to be accessible to them. You can always stop the train if you want to.

 

I did everything I could to get him his money but meh....his waiting 4 days to reply to my text pretty much told me anything I ever needed to know.

 

Mail him a check and be done with it. I think both of you are holding "money" hostage. It's an ice breaker that you both can use to open communication.

 

Weak and dumb is no more a justification you can keep using to condone your inability to find your self-respect.

 

If you really want to start NC -- BLOCK HIM.

[VeveCakes]

He knows you are always available to it and you want to be accessible to them. You can always stop the train if you want to.

 

Mail him a check and be done with it. I think both of you are holding "money" hostage. It's an ice breaker that you both can use to open communication.

 

Weak and dumb is no more a justification you can keep using to condone your inability to find your self-respect.

 

If you really want to start NC -- BLOCK HIM.

 

absolutely....I agree. He is blocked now - deleted from all social media for good this time.

 

I want the train to stop....I mean I am not over him but am no longer wanting to be with him, if you get that.

[Zahara]

I want the train to stop....I mean I am not over him but am no longer wanting to be with him, if you get that.

 

Now you can give yourself a chance to get over him. You truly haven't allowed yourself that gift.

 

It's normal to still want to be with him but the reality is that you can't and that the only alternative is to move on -- yes, I completely understand.

[BC1980]

If her really wanted the money, he would have gotten it by now. He has had several chances to get the money, so I would not worry in the least about the money unless you want to mail him a check like Zahara said.

[Toodaloo]

Hey Veve

 

I am another that says just mail a cheque and be done with it.

 

This guy deserves no more of your time.

 

Hang in there girl you are doing great!