Almost ghosted...dumped...can not cope

[BC1980]

lol well I wish that was what he wanted because I would have been all about that! I think he prefers to play with my heart....

 

I do think that....that some day I am going to be like WHY was I so in love...but today is not that day haha

 

It's not at all uncommon for men to keep some women around, at a distance, to hit up when they feel the urge to have sex. Ask some guy friends, and they will confirm this.

[VeveCakes]

In love with him or in love with the idea of him? An image you have of him in your head? His potential or the reality?

 

Take him down from that pedestal. The first step to accepting that he's not all that and it really isn't worth it.

 

I've tried...I mean he literally gives me nothing and I give him everything, I have no idea why I can't get over him other than the fact that he was an amazing BF when we were together. I'm super attracted to him too and never felt so close to someone. I am trying to be realistic but have lapses constantly.

 

It's not at all uncommon for men to keep some women around, at a distance, to hit up when they feel the urge to have sex. Ask some guy friends, and they will confirm this.

 

honestly, if he wanted that I could handle it. He doesn't even want to sex me up so what does that say lol

 

The good news is we couldn't beat his current rate so he's going to stay insured where he is. He text me thanking me and I said no problem and made a comment about his carriers service and he replied just replied "ha ha". Now what, should I just not reply?

 

I think being used for insurance help is officially the lowest I can feel hahaha fml.

[Zahara]

I've tried...I mean he literally gives me nothing and I give him everything, I have no idea why I can't get over him other than the fact that he was an amazing BF when we were together. I'm super attracted to him too and never felt so close to someone. I am trying to be realistic but have lapses constantly.

 

It could possibly be that you're struggling with the rejection rather than the fact that you're clinging because you "love" him. This need to win him. This need to again be validated. I think you tie rejection to your value. If he chooses me that means I'm valued. I think your struggle is more so with not being chosen.

 

honestly, if he wanted that I could handle it. He doesn't even want to sex me up so what does that say lol

 

I think he wants sex but he's likely not up to dealing with the drama that comes with it. He knows you are emotional and is probably on the fence about sex with you and what that comes with.

 

The good news is we couldn't beat his current rate so he's going to stay insured where he is. He text me thanking me and I said no problem and made a comment about his carriers service and he replied just replied "ha ha". Now what, should I just not reply?

 

Again, you keep opening the door. Waiting and forcing for some magic to happen. Veve, stop sabotaging yourself.

 

I think being used for insurance help is officially the lowest I can feel hahaha fml.

 

Self-respect. You need to find it.

[Zahara]

24th October you blocked him. Do it again.

[bluefeather]

Wow, took me a while to read through this one. At first there were so many comments of "poor you" and "that guy is an a-hole" which are all well and good, but as time went on, I saw that you were the one constantly reaching out for abuse over and over again. I'm glad Zahara came and said what I was preparing to say to you. But now it seems you already know this, so the answer looks like not only blocking this person, but changing your number. Of course, that is only if you want to heal and get over this person, which it does not look like you have been ready to do for some time.

 

That may have sounded a bit harsh, so I apologize if it came off that way, but I am trying to help confirm that even though he may have mistreated you, you are the one allowing it to continue. But by taking responsibility, that means you have the power to stop it.

[Art_Critic]

I hope you didn't give him the quote.. back out of it.. there is no proof he asked you and honestly I think this would fall under an exception to that.

 

He is treating you like a FWB except he has thrown in the disrespect angle.

 

I feel like he has been dating someone else.. a FWB just like you and maybe more.. that is causing his stress..

 

Work and building a home doesn't cause stress to the point of trashing a GF, if that was true people would get divorced over building a home...

 

You aren't getting the whole man, you have only gotten a small slice of him and until he commits to you and dumps the other girl(s) that he is also stringing along you need to go NC and never speak to him again.

 

Burning the candle at both ends is what he is doing and the job, house are not the two ends of the candle.. you and the other girl are...

[winny]

I read this entire thread and it struck a chord with me because of the last guy I was seeing for just over a month who pulled the fading/disappearing act on me after we had sex...

 

Its been so hard on me. Very hard.

 

So many times I have felt like questioning him.... why???

 

On my birthday this weekend he texted me - "Happy birthday"... I shed tears on my birthday because of him.

For Christmas he texted me - "Merry Christmas"...

The one time I asked him if he is okay when he started the fading thing, he said he is having a family crisis so has been less in touch.

I just let him be after that.... I miss so much sometimes.... I cry.... I feel used, at times I feel like I couldn't protect myself. I was not smart enough. I should have known.

But if there is one thing I have not done and I am soooooo proud of myself for that is I never asked him why? If he took 1 step back, I took 2. If he gave me silent treatment I gave it back to him.

If he wished me a happy birthday I responded with a thank you. Nothing more.... My dignity is far more important than any guy.....

If I suffer, I suffer alone, I share my pain with my friends or pray to God. But I will never and I repeat.. NEVER... share my feelings with this guy who so cruelly threw me out of his life like a piece of trash after treating me so special. I will never ask him why he did this and why he dumped me because none of that matters! Bottomline is he didn't care for me the way he acted he did. No amount of questions, discussions, texting is going to change that.

 

Veve - You are not alone but you have not handled this the right way. It is your life... and you are letting any SOB to just trample around like they f*cking own it???!!! How dare he????!!!!

And "Love" ???? If there is one thing that is missing in this entire thread, it is LOVE.

He never loved you, nor did you. You are yet to love yourself... how can you love anyone else???

All I can see on this thread is immaturity, ego, inability to handle pain, rejection, lust.... no boundaries... frustration, weakness, neediness and to much mess!

 

Right now go and BLOCK him and remove him from every aspect of your life... him, his family, his friends.... every one. Next learn some self love.. DO NOT date anyone till you first learn that.

[elaine567]

 

I know I can't take one more step towards you

Cause all that's waiting is regret

And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore

You lost the love I loved the most

 

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

 

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are

 

I hear you're asking all around

If I am anywhere to be found

But I have grown too strong

To ever fall back in your arms

 

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

 

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are

 

And it took so long just to feel alright

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed

Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back

You don't get to get me back

 

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Don't come back at all

 

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

Don't come back for me

Don't come back at all

 

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

[BC1980]

honestly, if he wanted that I could handle it. He doesn't even want to sex me up so what does that say lol.

 

He wants you for sex until you get too emotional. You sent him the emotional text, so he isn't going to hit you up for sex for awhile. You slept with him a month ago, and he hadn't contacted you for a few months before that right? He was waiting to see if you would cool off, not get emotional, and not want a relationship before he hit you up for sex again. That will be the pattern if you allow it to continue.

 

I had a FWB relationship with a guy in college, and it followed the pattern I just described. When I got emotional and wanted more than sex, he would disappear for a few months. Then, he would call me up after cooling off period, and I would jump at the chance to see him again. I would go right back to him and give him what he wanted. Then, if I wanted more, he would disappear again. That cycle repeated itself for 2 years. Of course, he dated other women in between our times together. Even though your relationship started out as a actual relationship, I think it has turned into more of an occasional FWB situation.

[Redhead14]

He wants you for sex until you get too emotional. You sent him the emotional text, so he isn't going to hit you up for sex for awhile. You slept with him a month ago, and he hadn't contacted you for a few months before that right? He was waiting to see if you would cool off, not get emotional, and not want a relationship before he hit you up for sex again. That will be the pattern if you allow it to continue.

 

I had a FWB relationship with a guy in college, and it followed the pattern I just described. When I got emotional and wanted more than sex, he would disappear for a few months. Then, he would call me up after cooling off period, and I would jump at the chance to see him again. I would go right back to him and give him what he wanted. Then, if I wanted more, he would disappear again. That cycle repeated itself for 2 years. Of course, he dated other women in between our times together. Even though your relationship started out as a actual relationship, I think it has turned into more of an occasional FWB situation.

 

Yes, this is the exact scenario, VeveCakes. This is how some men manage down a woman's expectations and emotions. They come forward, get pressured, back off and come back again. And, they will do that for as long as you let them . . . for the sex. You have been stringing yourself along for a long time.

[VeveCakes]

It could possibly be that you're struggling with the rejection rather than the fact that you're clinging because you "love" him. This need to win him. This need to again be validated. I think you tie rejection to your value. If he chooses me that means I'm valued. I think your struggle is more so with not being chosen.

 

I think he wants sex but he's likely not up to dealing with the drama that comes with it. He knows you are emotional and is probably on the fence about sex with you and what that comes with.

 

Again, you keep opening the door. Waiting and forcing for some magic to happen. Veve, stop sabotaging yourself.

 

Self-respect. You need to find it.

 

It could very well be that I can't handle rejection from him. I have been able to handle it with others but maybe he is different.

 

Just some info - after we slept together last time there was 0 drama. I knew we were going to hang out and I mentally prepared myself to enjoy his company one last time. After he left I text him I had a good time and he replied he did too and he would come see me again soon. I didn't reach out to him at all after that. Three weeks to the day his dad called me about my ex's insurance (for his house). Then, he called me a few days later to further discuss, and that is when I sent him the long text pouring my heart out. It was one week ago.

 

Wow, took me a while to read through this one. At first there were so many comments of "poor you" and "that guy is an a-hole" which are all well and good, but as time went on, I saw that you were the one constantly reaching out for abuse over and over again. I'm glad Zahara came and said what I was preparing to say to you. But now it seems you already know this, so the answer looks like not only blocking this person, but changing your number. Of course, that is only if you want to heal and get over this person, which it does not look like you have been ready to do for some time.

 

That may have sounded a bit harsh, so I apologize if it came off that way, but I am trying to help confirm that even though he may have mistreated you, you are the one allowing it to continue. But by taking responsibility, that means you have the power to stop it.

 

I appreciate the harshness... I know I need to move on so this helps get it into my mind.

 

I hope you didn't give him the quote.. back out of it.. there is no proof he asked you and honestly I think this would fall under an exception to that.

 

He is treating you like a FWB except he has thrown in the disrespect angle.

 

I feel like he has been dating someone else.. a FWB just like you and maybe more.. that is causing his stress..

 

Work and building a home doesn't cause stress to the point of trashing a GF, if that was true people would get divorced over building a home...

 

You aren't getting the whole man, you have only gotten a small slice of him and until he commits to you and dumps the other girl(s) that he is also stringing along you need to go NC and never speak to him again.

 

Burning the candle at both ends is what he is doing and the job, house are not the two ends of the candle.. you and the other girl are...

 

I know he isn't dating anyone else, he literally works on his house from sun up to sun down. When we do talk he would snap chat me all day pics of what he was working on well into the night. I have since blocked him on Snap Chat. He has done all the work himself...no contractors. There was a lot of pressure to get it done before the snow flies. There is more to this story though. His parents just divorced. His dad was pressuring to get the building started (he wanted to wait another year) so his mom and him could sell their house and get my ex out on his own - so they could separate. He told me this close before we broke up. His dad has a new gf out west where he works, so I am not sure if his dad was cheating on his mom but I know my ex won't even entertain the idea of talking about their divorce. He said to me "this type of thing should never happen". I think that, the house, and finances were the major stressors.

 

He is really very shy with women. We don't talk a lot and I was trying NC for the last 4 months...he was always reaching out to me, not the other way around. If he was dating someone else, I wasn't talking to him at the same time so he wouldn't need to be stressing.

 

He wants you for sex until you get too emotional. You sent him the emotional text, so he isn't going to hit you up for sex for awhile. You slept with him a month ago, and he hadn't contacted you for a few months before that right? He was waiting to see if you would cool off, not get emotional, and not want a relationship before he hit you up for sex again. That will be the pattern if you allow it to continue.

 

I had a FWB relationship with a guy in college, and it followed the pattern I just described. When I got emotional and wanted more than sex, he would disappear for a few months. Then, he would call me up after cooling off period, and I would jump at the chance to see him again. I would go right back to him and give him what he wanted. Then, if I wanted more, he would disappear again. That cycle repeated itself for 2 years. Of course, he dated other women in between our times together. Even though your relationship started out as a actual relationship, I think it has turned into more of an occasional FWB situation.

 

There is no FWB situation. We slept together once a month ago....I would have happily done it a lot more. After we slept together I didn't contact him at all, he was the one who reached out to me. I'm not emotional about sex. I am not drama...at all. I am super laid back and chill. Yes I tell him how I feel, but it is always from my heart and not to pressure him. I have been trying for months to stop talking to him but he always works his way in (yes I left the door open). Yes I may have been emotional in the past with him about my feelings, but it was never correlated with sex. FYI he told me last night he wants to come and see me...so I don't think my text pouring my heart out scared him away.

 

Yes, this is the exact scenario, VeveCakes. This is how some men manage down a woman's expectations and emotions. They come forward, get pressured, back off and come back again. And, they will do that for as long as you let them . . . for the sex. You have been stringing yourself along for a long time.

 

I honestly wish it was about sex but it isn't... I have offered and he has never taken me up on it. The time we slept together three weeks ago was the first since the break up. Can't find where it was said but wanted to clarify we have talked every week since the break up except for the three weeks in late November. He has done %80 of the reaching out. Also, I am not dating at the moment but have a FWB situation that I am enjoying.

 

We ended up texting until 2 am. Just talking about his house and moving and what not. He said he wants to come see me.

 

I wish I was stronger. What the hell is wrong with me/

Edited December 29, 2016 by VeveCakes

[Zahara]

Just some info - after we slept together last time there was 0 drama. I knew we were going to hang out and I mentally prepared myself to enjoy his company one last time. After he left I text him I had a good time and he replied he did too and he would come see me again soon. I didn't reach out to him at all after that. Three weeks to the day his dad called me about my ex's insurance (for his house). Then, he called me a few days later to further discuss, and that is when I sent him the long text pouring my heart out. It was one week ago.

 

Just because they want sex, they're not going to call you every weekend for a booty call. Besides just because it was zero drama, he knows you are emotional about him. He's not a fool to think you can just switch off within weeks. I'm sure it also weighs on him some to know that he is using you so the likelyhood of sex may be more sporadic. He's managing the pace. Or he could just be having sex with other women.

 

After the note, it's sealed the fact that you're still emotional and he will likely stay away from sex with you.

[Zahara]

What the hell is wrong with me/

 

You keep making this statement. You've been given consistent advice. And you know what's wrong but you're choosing to ignore and mask your reality to escape facing the pain of making a difficult decision.

 

It's a choice.

[Redhead14]

It could very well be that I can't handle rejection from him. I have been able to handle it with others but maybe he is different.

 

Just some info - after we slept together last time there was 0 drama. I knew we were going to hang out and I mentally prepared myself to enjoy his company one last time. After he left I text him I had a good time and he replied he did too and he would come see me again soon. I didn't reach out to him at all after that. Three weeks to the day his dad called me about my ex's insurance (for his house). Then, he called me a few days later to further discuss, and that is when I sent him the long text pouring my heart out. It was one week ago.

 

 

 

I appreciate the harshness... I know I need to move on so this helps get it into my mind.

 

 

 

I know he isn't dating anyone else, he literally works on his house from sun up to sun down. When we do talk he would snap chat me all day pics of what he was working on well into the night. I have since blocked him on Snap Chat. He has done all the work himself...no contractors. There was a lot of pressure to get it done before the snow flies. There is more to this story though. His parents just divorced. His dad was pressuring to get the building started (he wanted to wait another year) so his mom and him could sell their house and get my ex out on his own - so they could separate. He told me this close before we broke up. His dad has a new gf out west where he works, so I am not sure if his dad was cheating on his mom but I know my ex won't even entertain the idea of talking about their divorce. He said to me "this type of thing should never happen". I think that, the house, and finances were the major stressors.

 

He is really very shy with women. We don't talk a lot and I was trying NC for the last 4 months...he was always reaching out to me, not the other way around. If he was dating someone else, I wasn't talking to him at the same time so he wouldn't need to be stressing.

 

 

 

There is no FWB situation. We slept together once a month ago....I would have happily done it a lot more. After we slept together I didn't contact him at all, he was the one who reached out to me. I'm not emotional about sex. I am not drama...at all. I am super laid back and chill. Yes I tell him how I feel, but it is always from my heart and not to pressure him. I have been trying for months to stop talking to him but he always works his way in (yes I left the door open). Yes I may have been emotional in the past with him about my feelings, but it was never correlated with sex. FYI he told me last night he wants to come and see me...so I don't think my text pouring my heart out scared him away.

 

 

 

I honestly wish it was about sex but it isn't... I have offered and he has never taken me up on it. The time we slept together three weeks ago was the first since the break up. Can't find where it was said but wanted to clarify we have talked every week since the break up except for the three weeks in late November. He has done %80 of the reaching out. Also, I am not dating at the moment but have a FWB situation that I am enjoying.

 

We ended up texting until 2 am. Just talking about his house and moving and what not. He said he wants to come see me.

 

I wish I was stronger. What the hell is wrong with me/

 

This man does not love you but you love him. However, I doubt very much that you actually love HIM, you love what you wish he would be for you.

 

He has done 80% of the reaching out, but you respond 100% of the time so he knows you're still waiting in the wings and letting him come and go as he pleases. Why would he stop? He's getting what HE wants, the way HE wants it. It is about the sex. He may not always "do it", but he knows it's there when he needs it when he can't get it somewhere else.

 

Don't be his doormat or his friend because he really is not your friend, he's using you. Friends don't do that.

 

What the hell is wrong with me -- You don't have or enforce boundaries at least with this guy . . . expect more for yourself and from yourself. Hold yourself to higher standards and expectations. Focus on your needs and whether or not they are being met by a potential partner and accept nothing that doesn't support and respect them. Be resolved, insightful and focused on YOU. In other words, "grow a set" for yourself and kick him in his.

Edited December 29, 2016 by Redhead14

[bluefeather]

Maybe you are afraid you won't find anyone better. You probably won't if you keep this up.

 

Please stop hurting yourself. :/

[VeveCakes]

 

After the note, it's sealed the fact that you're still emotional and he will likely stay away from sex with you.

 

He said he wanted to come see me last night...so by what you guys have said he just wants sex, but then I think the above wouldn't apply. Not sure which it is.

 

You keep making this statement. You've been given consistent advice. And you know what's wrong but you're choosing to ignore and mask your reality to escape facing the pain of making a difficult decision.

 

It's a choice.

 

I know...I just mean what the hell is wrong with me that I keep making that choice.

 

. Focus on your needs and whether or not they are being met by a potential partner and accept nothing that doesn't support and respect them. Be resolved, insightful and focused on YOU. In other words, "grow a set" for yourself and kick him in his.

 

yeah, this is good advice...

 

Maybe you are afraid you won't find anyone better. You probably won't if you keep this up.

 

Please stop hurting yourself. :/

 

I'm not afraid, I just don't want anyone else

[Zahara]

He said he wanted to come see me last night...so by what you guys have said he just wants sex, but then I think the above wouldn't apply. Not sure which it is.

 

You sent the note. He gave you an answer (hey/quote). You ignored that answer. You allowed the conversation to flow into small talk/jibber jabber. He's going to look past your "note" and have sex because you disrespected your own boundary. If he wants sex badly enough, he'll walk through the door and he knows you have a door opened. Anything that happens after that is your responsibility because he gave you his answer to your question and you still let him in.

 

You have "I have no self-respect" stamped on your forehead. And trust a guy like him is going to run with that and use you when he wants to.

 

I know...I just mean what the hell is wrong with me that I keep making that choice.

 

Poor self-esteem. Lacking self-love and self-respect. Zero ability to create healthy boundaries. Desperate for validation -- you see yourself as unworthy for anything more than the little he gives you. So hungry to be accepted that you twist and contort to get whatever you can.

Edited December 29, 2016 by Zahara

[VeveCakes]

Anything that happens after that is your responsibility because he gave you his answer to your question and you still let him in.

 

Poor self-esteem. Lacking self-love and self-respect. Zero ability to create healthy boundaries. Desperate for validation -- you see yourself as unworthy.

 

for sure...and I was totally fine the last time we had sex. I was ready to go NC and had for three weeks... and then his dad calling me threw me for a loop, I couldn't understand why he didn't call himself.

 

It's just strange, because I would not define myself as any of those things and I don't think anyone who knows me would either including my therapist. There is just something about HIM that makes me just tolerate so much.

[Zahara]

for sure...and I was totally fine the last time we had sex. I was ready to go NC and had for three weeks... and then his dad calling me threw me for a loop, I couldn't understand why he didn't call himself.

 

Stop Veve. What does it matter who called? You seem to want to divert from the reality. He is using you for sex. That's it. Nothing more. You pour your heart out. He says hey and give me a quote. You both make small talk. He wants to see you. The rest is predictable. There is nothing mysterious here.

 

It's just strange, because I would not define myself as any of those things and I don't think anyone who knows me would either including my therapist. There is just something about HIM that makes me just tolerate so much.

 

This isn't about him. It's easier to look outward than inward. It's easier to justify your behavior by redirecting it on him. When someone is making very poor decisions and being masochistic, it's not just a one off.

[Redhead14]

He said he wanted to come see me last night...so by what you guys have said he just wants sex, but then I think the above wouldn't apply. Not sure which it is.

 

Stop looking for the answers you want and spinning reality -- He's approaching you because: he's bored, he can't get in touch with a another woman, he knows he needs to show up once in a while to keep you on the string, he wants sex and hopes he'll get it, ad infinitum. It doesn't matter why, he is not offering you the kind of relationship you want/need. Tell him you're moving on PERIOD. JUST DO IT!

 

"I know...I just mean what the hell is wrong with me that I keep making that choice."

 

You keep making that choice because you are hoping things will change or that he really does love you in spite of his behavior, blah, blah, blah. You're deluding yourself.

 

"yeah, this is good advice..."

 

I know it's good advice. I repeat -- JUST DO IT!

 

 

"I'm not afraid, I just don't want anyone else"

 

You don't want anyone else? You don't HAVE him anyway, so why not look for someone else?

 

VeveCakes, I try to be sensitive/supportive for a few posts, most of the time and until I see that the OP is at least starting to "get it" and you aren't, but I am also known to get really real/unsugarcoated. You sound/seem to be an intelligent, self-sufficient, independent woman and you should be able to get your head around reality at least and do what you know you need to do. Seriously. You can deal with all the mental gymnastics after that.

 

I usually tell women to get out of a man's head and focus on themselves more but, in your case, I am going to use a little different approach. I want you to be in his shoes and in his mind for the, what I call, the "embarrassment effect":

 

"Boy, this one's easy to keep on the hook. I'll keep doing her until she finally gets real with herself"

 

"Wow, I don't have to do much for this one to keep her interested"

 

"She expects so little for herself, that's easy"

 

"Here's one that just doesn't get it. I can have sex on my schedule and have lots of women and when they aren't available, I can always do this one"

 

"What's wrong with her? She has no boundaries."

 

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF RIGHT NOW AND START PRESERVING YOUR SELF-RESPECT AND SHOW HIM NOW THAT YOU WILL NOT TOLERATE HIS DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOU. HE KNOWS YOU'RE ATTACHED AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THAT, PLAIN AND SIMPLE. DON'T LET HIM HAVE THIS KIND OF POWER OVER YOU.

 

YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIM OR MAKE HIM GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT/NEED, WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL IS YOU AND TAKE BACK YOUR POWER!!!!

[VeveCakes]

Stop Veve. What does it matter who called? You seem to want to divert from the reality. He is using you for sex. That's it. Nothing more. You pour your heart out. He says hey and give me a quote. You both make small talk. He wants to see you. The rest is predictable. There is nothing mysterious here.

 

This isn't about him. It's easier to look outward than inward. It's easier to justify your behavior by redirecting it on him. When someone is making very poor decisions and being masochistic, it's not just a one off.

 

there is no doubt that I am the one who can't let go here. FWIW I never thought he was a jerk...he broke my heart but I wasn't blaming him for not feeling the same anymore. When I started this thread it just came so out of no where that I was looking for answers. I have a learned a LOT since August...lots of therapy and self reflection. I just can't seem to follow through with the actions of moving on.

 

You don't want anyone else? You don't HAVE him anyway, so why not look for someone else?

 

VeveCakes, I try to be sensitive/supportive for a few posts, most of the time and until I see that the OP is at least starting to "get it" and you aren't, but I am also known to get really real/unsugarcoated. You sound/seem to be an intelligent, self-sufficient, independent woman and you should be able to get your head around reality at least and do what you know you need to do. Seriously. You can deal with all the mental gymnastics after that.

 

I usually tell women to get out of a man's head and focus on themselves more but, in your case, I am going to use a little different approach. I want you to be in his shoes and in his mind for the, what I call, the "embarrassment effect":

 

"Boy, this one's easy to keep on the hook. I'll keep doing her until she finally gets real with herself"

 

"Wow, I don't have to do much for this one to keep her interested"

 

"She expects so little for herself, that's easy"

 

"Here's one that just doesn't get it. I can have sex on my schedule and have lots of women and when they aren't available, I can always do this one"

 

"What's wrong with her? She has no boundaries."

 

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF RIGHT NOW AND START PRESERVING YOUR SELF-RESPECT AND SHOW HIM NOW THAT YOU WILL NOT TOLERATE HIS DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOU. HE KNOWS YOU'RE ATTACHED AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THAT, PLAIN AND SIMPLE. DON'T LET HIM HAVE THIS KIND OF POWER OVER YOU.

 

YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIM OR MAKE HIM GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT/NEED, WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL IS YOU AND TAKE BACK YOUR POWER!!!!

 

I appreciate all the advice, sugar coated or not I know it's what I need to hear. That is why I come back and post updates. I guess I just find it hard to believe he is that kind of guy, but people pretend to be something they are not all the time. If I wasnt so in lala land over him it would be so much easier. I have never struggled like this to move on.

[BlkVelvet]

This man does not love you but you love him. However, I doubt very much that you actually love HIM, you love what you wish he would be for you.

 

He has done 80% of the reaching out, but you respond 100% of the time so he knows you're still waiting in the wings and letting him come and go as he pleases. Why would he stop? He's getting what HE wants, the way HE wants it. It is about the sex. He may not always "do it", but he knows it's there when he needs it when he can't get it somewhere else.

 

Don't be his doormat or his friend because he really is not your friend, he's using you. Friends don't do that.

 

What the hell is wrong with me -- You don't have or enforce boundaries at least with this guy . . . expect more for yourself and from yourself. Hold yourself to higher standards and expectations. Focus on your needs and whether or not they are being met by a potential partner and accept nothing that doesn't support and respect them. Be resolved, insightful and focused on YOU. In other words, "grow a set" for yourself and kick him in his.

 

Veve, you should read the book, Men Who Can't Love. I read it years ago and recently reread it due to trying to recover from my recent heartbreak and trying to get the answers he is very obviously not interested in giving me.

 

It basically explains commitmentphobia (which is the earlier version of avoidant attachment) and the hows, whys, and whats. It is phenominal. I think it will bring you and others here some clarity along with much needed comfort.

 

In the meantime, try to realize that who you are in love with does not exist and he actually never did. He sent his representative to do the heavy lifting. Who he is consistently showing up to be now, is the real him.

 

So the question is: Do you love THIS guy?? I don't think you do. It really is all in your own head at this point. You need to see him for who he really is and not the fantasy version of himself he initially presented to you.

 

You're in love with a fraud. Attach yourself to THAT truth and you will gain the strength to let him go.

 

I wish you well and you are not alone.

[VeveCakes]

 

In the meantime, try to realize that who you are in love with does not exist and he actually never did. He sent his representative to do the heavy lifting. Who he is consistently showing up to be now, is the real him.

 

So the question is: Do you love THIS guy?? I don't think you do. It really is all in your own head at this point. You need to see him for who he really is and not the fantasy version of himself he initially presented to you.

 

You're in love with a fraud. Attach yourself to THAT truth and you will gain the strength to let him go.

 

I wish you well and you are not alone.

 

My therapist recommended Attached and feels he is classic avoidant...so I get exactly what you are saying. (I was seeing her for some prior relationship trauma and she helped me through this break up initially)

 

I feel like I love him, I mean I really care about him and his happiness. I miss him all the time.

 

She also said the same you said above - that it wasn't the real him. It's a concept that is hard for me to agree with. I am trying...just not quite there yet.

[winny]

I just have to disagree about your assessment of myself, because I know that is normally the case but I don't have low self esteem. I dont help people out for my own benefit, I actually do care and hate to see people struggle etc. I am not looking for acceptance...if you knew me in person you would get it better but I am the furthest from one who is trying to please others to boost my own ego. I DNGAF what people think of me. I just have a big heart and a lot to give.

 

but what validation is there to seek from him? I know he doesn't want to be with me.... hoping he has a change of heart sure....I can dream

 

Too much denial.

People with high self esteem do not let themselves be used.

This guy is using you left right and center.

You are letting yourself be abused and calling that having a big heart - but you know what that is? It is foolishness.

[VeveCakes]

Too much denial.

People with high self esteem do not let themselves be used.

This guy is using you left right and center.

You are letting yourself be abused and calling that having a big heart - but you know what that is? It is foolishness.

 

I guess you would all have to meet me to know me, but I do not have low self esteem, self worth, etc. Like, at all. You can say I'm in denial and I'm sure it looks that way but I am happy with who I am. I think I am the complete package and whoever I end up will be lucky to have me. I am really happy in life, this is the only aspect of my life that I struggle with and it has only been this man that has been a struggle for me to get over. I feel it has to be some other issue at play with myself.