Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Plan? I have no plan, as I find more and more out its making any plan unthinkable at the mo. I want her to go but I can't force her Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 I'll rephrase that, my plan at first was to say 'look sit down and let's talk' Now, I'm past that she has crossed a line that is a line to far especially if she is pregnant with his kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Confused, at one point you said she has been working for the past year. Also you stated all your wages went into her account. In one of your first posts you mentioned a business that the two of you owned. I am mistaken? I understand the belief that a real plan is impossible. But it is possible. First take some time to provide an outline of your marriage and where you are at. Take the time to read the threads on the parenting forum. Post questions there and comments. Seriously read the threads there. It will help you gain clarity. I about to hop into the shower and head out (it currently 5:50 PM here). I will check back later or tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 What I meant was I have a full time job, she was working in our taxi business as a driver, this is where she met him, the recording I got was from in the taxi. So when I was saying she was working to long hours, in fact she wasn't 'working' at all. I've a timeline of oct 2014 when it started. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Ok there's an outline, Married 20 years, son who's just coming up 15. This affair started October 2014, at that point she was not only working 7 days a week every week but wanting to. We started arguing prob about 18 months ago about her excessive hours, she refused to change them. On Sunday she was really mardy and we had an argument because again I said she was drained through working, one thing led to another and I said what's up don't you want to me with me anymore, that's when she said 'no I don't' The rest is on my posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 29, 2016 Author Share Posted May 29, 2016 The situation as it stands right now is this......she's here living at home but sleeping on the sofa. She maintains its over between us but she can't be away from her son so that's why she returned. She says her and the OM have had no contact since Friday morning. She says she doesn't know what she will do if in fact she is pregnant. She refuses to talk about if she'll carry on seeing the OM once she's moved out of here. So that's the update as it is now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 29, 2016 Author Share Posted May 29, 2016 The situation as it stands right now is this......she's here living at home but sleeping on the sofa. She maintains its over between us but she can't be away from her son so that's why she returned. She says her and the OM have had no contact since Friday morning. She says she doesn't know what she will do if in fact she is pregnant. She refuses to talk about if she'll carry on seeing the OM once she's moved out of here. So that's the update as it is now. Should of added as well she refuses to say if she's still seeing the OM now. Link to post Share on other sites
Kwacker39 Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 It's pretty weird how my situation is so similar to yours ( although I suppose this stuff is happening all the time , you just never think it will be you ! ) . My wife is sleeping in with our youngest boy who's 11 - she won't leave because she doesn't want to be apart from the boys . I'm positive she is seeing this other man (11years younger than me and 6 years younger than her ) while I have to live under the same roof as her - the situation is intolerable and so is yours - it's toxic for the atmosphere in the home - I know both my boys are struggling with it because although I'm not aggressive or abusive in any way to my wife , I can't even talk to her or look at her at the moment - if she speaks to me I respond but only in the briefest way possible . I think you and I have to be the bigger person and try to sort things out - I'm going to have to sit down with her and either try to get her to move into rented or we will have to sell our home , which would take at least 3 months even if we got an immediate offer . It's a right bloody mess tbh but that's my reality , much the same as yours I fear . Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 Should of added as well she refuses to say if she's still seeing the OM now. He doesn't really sound like a guy who would stick around for a baby. Soo.... Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 Outside of this behavior (obviosly) curious what she was like as a mother? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 29, 2016 Author Share Posted May 29, 2016 It's pretty weird how my situation is so similar to yours ( although I suppose this stuff is happening all the time , you just never think it will be you ! ) . My wife is sleeping in with our youngest boy who's 11 - she won't leave because she doesn't want to be apart from the boys . I'm positive she is seeing this other man (11years younger than me and 6 years younger than her ) while I have to live under the same roof as her - the situation is intolerable and so is yours - it's toxic for the atmosphere in the home - I know both my boys are struggling with it because although I'm not aggressive or abusive in any way to my wife , I can't even talk to her or look at her at the moment - if she speaks to me I respond but only in the briefest way possible . I think you and I have to be the bigger person and try to sort things out - I'm going to have to sit down with her and either try to get her to move into rented or we will have to sell our home , which would take at least 3 months even if we got an immediate offer . It's a right bloody mess tbh but that's my reality , much the same as yours I fear . That's exactly the same Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 29, 2016 Author Share Posted May 29, 2016 Outside of this behavior (obviosly) curious what she was like as a mother? Absolutely fantastic Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 Asked: "Outside of this behavior (obviosly) curious what she was like as a mother?" You answered: Absolutely fantastic Andrew, I am going to take you to task on this one. Because your 15-year old son is going to be very quickly aware of what has happened, if he hasn't already. And subjecting your children to infidelity is NOT "absolutely fantastic." She is teaching him that it is okay to lie, deceive, and hurt someone to whom she made vows. The next few steps from you are crucial in the raising of your son: What would you suggest to him that his actions should be if he found out his wife was treating him the way yours is treating you? Raise by example. Teach your son how to be a man with honor by your next actions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 29, 2016 Author Share Posted May 29, 2016 I've always tended to lead by example to him, he's a good kid with a good future but this has knocked him for six, he's outgoing but this last week he's gone into himself Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 Let's apply a little Sherlock Holmes. OM was her deepest and truest love. Her soulmate. Her perfect match. (Insert any other thoughts WW may have about him). She leaves for him. Leaving behind son and BH. Then she returns, sort of. Not to fix the M but because she misses son. Query: what happened? Two things. First she left the home to be with OM. Second she is or may be pregnant with OM's baby. Either or both of these things may have been too much togetherness for OM who probably sought a quick piece with no emotional ties. He dumped her. Told her not only was there no future in the relationship, but also no present, either. Boots her out, cuts off contact and whatever financial support he may have been giving. She is adrift and returns. Still deeply in "love" with OM. Quit lying to you simply by saying nothing about the A or OM. She has what she wants: a roof over her head, a place to sleep and food on the table all at he request of BH. Brilliant, Holmes exclaimed Dr Watson. The evil plot is exposed. Your house is the opposite of DisneyWorld. It's the unhappiest place on earth. As,others have said, don't teach your son that being a doormat is a noble role. It's not. You cannot R with an unrepentant WW, you can't nice her back, you can't win doing a pick me dance. The only way out of fidelity as things now stand is divorce. Please find out what D requirements are wherever you live and get information on support and custody issues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 I've always tended to lead by example to him, he's a good kid with a good future but this has knocked him for six, he's outgoing but this last week he's gone into himself It can really destroy a kid's sense of security and it can manifest as depression, anger (common for boys) and anxiety. Give him constant reassuring that you will always be there for him, no matter the circumstances or relationship you have or don't have with his mother. He needs to feel now more than ever a constant solid parent. Try not to say anything negative about your wife. Stay neutral. It is the only mother he has. These kids are savvy and know the deal if not now... in time. How you handle it will reflect on you and your relationship with your son forever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 She says she isn't communicating with him anymore, but do I believe her? I dunno. I've told all our mutual friends about what has happened including her mum and sisters. I've actually just said to her 'look why don't you just go, if your not happy here and want to be with him then go, move in with him' The reply was 'I'm here for Ben, I don't want anyone, I'm here for Ben. But then I think it was only Tuesday she was telling him how they have a future and she loves him etc But she had left and you wanted her back. Why has she stopped communicating with OM? She has told you she doesn't feel anything for you so what is the purpose of her moving out when you both have agreed she is only there for Ben, not you. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 But she had left and you wanted her back. Why has she stopped communicating with OM? She has told you she doesn't feel anything for you so what is the purpose of her moving out when you both have agreed she is only there for Ben, not you. She actually hasn't stopped talking to her OM. The OP just invited his cheating wife back home after he knew she was still talking to her OM and believes she may be pregnant by her OM too. He's become a willing doormat at this stage of her betrayal. OP you need professional help to find a boundary that looks healthy. You are showing your son a terrible example - what he's learning now is that a woman treats a man like trash and he begs for more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Share Posted May 30, 2016 But after all that's happened I still love her, I know I shouldn't but I can't just turn that off like a tap Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 But after all that's happened I still love her, I know I shouldn't but I can't just turn that off like a tap You need professional help man. Are you scheduled to see a counselor ASAP? You are abusing yourself at this point by allowing her to treat you this way. And love shouldn't ever look like THAT! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Share Posted May 30, 2016 No I've not seen anyone about all this only the attorney Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 Andrew - no one can help you if you don't help yourself. You've been INVITING her to abuse you. You're mentoring your son to invite women to abuse men. Get a plan to change things - take charge of your future and get a plan on how to eliminate the one abusing you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Share Posted May 30, 2016 I agree but other than making life difficult at home for her (which I'm doing) then how else do I get her out my life Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Share Posted May 30, 2016 She's there for Ben, I can't not let Ben see her, he knows what she's done but I have to let Ben have that bond with her don't I Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 She's there for Ben, I can't not let Ben see her, he knows what she's done but I have to let Ben have that bond with her don't I She can have a bond with him no matter where she lives. When you file for divorce she will be forced to create a life somewhere else. That way you can create your own life too - free from all the lies and drama a cheater creates every moment you're in their presence. She's not leaving until you divorce her? Then divorce her! That way you can begin to live again (a happy life at that). I think you have evidence it's not a happy life anymore being married to her - so it looks like the logical solution to that issue is to divorce her. She can go cheat on someone new. She will also be free to use another man the way she's been using you. Stop allowing her to do it to you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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