Kwacker39 Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 Andrew , I know it is incredibly hard cos I said in an earlier post I an going through exactly the same as you after 21 years and 2 sons . However you need to listen to the guys on here and strive to detach yourself emotionally from her . I think I am getting there after 2 weeks of knowing about her affair and around 8 weeks after her telling me she didn't love me . What works for me is thinking of all the lies and cheating she has been doing behind my back as well as the lies to my face - it makes me really dislike her so how can I possibly love her anymore ?! I'm still very up and down with my moods but when I'm down I know I'll come out of the other side . Stay strong , try to detach from her and use the 180 as advised . She doesn't deserve you . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Share Posted June 1, 2016 Andrew , I know it is incredibly hard cos I said in an earlier post I an going through exactly the same as you after 21 years and 2 sons . However you need to listen to the guys on here and strive to detach yourself emotionally from her . I think I am getting there after 2 weeks of knowing about her affair and around 8 weeks after her telling me she didn't love me . What works for me is thinking of all the lies and cheating she has been doing behind my back as well as the lies to my face - it makes me really dislike her so how can I possibly love her anymore ?! I'm still very up and down with my moods but when I'm down I know I'll come out of the other side . Stay strong , try to detach from her and use the 180 as advised . She doesn't deserve you . Thank you, I know what we are both going through is very very hard but yeah I'm trying to do the 180. A friend said earlier that there's no way things could ever be the same again and she's right, it's a line that shouldn't of been crossed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kwacker39 Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 Yes the trust has totally gone - I said to a friend that I don't like this version of my wife - she just isn't the person she was , totally changed for the worse . Sounds like yours has had a similar shift in personality - I'm putting it down to a mid life crisis with mine - yours sounds very like mine . How old is she ? 40 ish ? Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 Friends have been great, none of them can understand what the hell she's playing at. Last couple of days have been ok but had a moment to myself earlier when I couldn't stop crying. I've made enquiries as to selling the house, paying her off and then she can go do what the hell she likes. Because she's here although I'm trying my hardest with the 180 I still find myself wondering who she's texting etc. Yeah, it's like your spouse is there in the flesh but they are not the same person you married and love... they become a complete stranger and it's a dichotomy of anger and sadness to be near them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 Yes the trust has totally gone - I said to a friend that I don't like this version of my wife - she just isn't the person she was , totally changed for the worse . Sounds like yours has had a similar shift in personality - I'm putting it down to a mid life crisis with mine - yours sounds very like mine . How old is she ? 40 ish ? Yep she's 39 Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 Yep she's 39 39 is ripe for mid life crises considering the length of your relationship and age she was when it started. Not an excuse imo but likely the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 She's pregnant to him Link to post Share on other sites
trolloperative Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 She's pregnant to him Sorry you're going through this. Most of us marry and think we will grow old with that person only to learn they are not who we think they are.. she is not the person you think she is, Andrew. Maybe she was in the beginning but not anymore. Time to wrap this farce of a marriage up. Proceed with divorce, the quicker the better. And mourn later. Don't indulge her in conversation, she will lure you back in.. we all know the OM will run if he hasn't already. Link to post Share on other sites
Kwacker39 Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 Bit of a hammer blow her being pregnant to him . It doesn't really alter anything as far as the situation goes though - you will still need to sort your joint finances out and move on with your life as quickly as possible . The sooner you get stuff sorted the better it will be for you in the long and short term . It is helping me to stay busy , be it sorting finances , kids , work , hobbies etc etc - keep focused and keep going pal . Just remember you are not alone , apart from these guys on here to vent to , I'm sure you have friends and family you can rely on - I know I have and I'm leaning heavily on them too . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 She's pregnant to him Hammer blow is right. Be sure your attorney knows, because you have some paternity issues to sort through. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 The 180 isn't a goal unto itself. It is a tool to help you DETACH from her--so you aren't obsessively thinking about her and what she is doing. The goal you must be looking towards is GETTING OUT OF INFIDELITY. R or D are the two paths to that goal. Now that you have learned of her pregnancy by OM (how did you learn this and is the information accurate or just her words to hurt you further?) do you honestly believe there is any chance of R? If not, it's time to proceed to D whether you have detached from her or not. Any other choice leaves you trapped in the special Hell her actions and attitude have created for you. Do this whether or not you feel emotionally ready. The sooner you take further action the sooner you will be out of Hell. If by some miracle she sees the light you can always drop the divorce. But you don't want to be looking back some months from now wishing you'd filed for D earlier. You cannot go back in time. You seem to be moving forward, albeit tentatively and slowly. All that idea is make it easier for her to outmaneuver you. You've told us what legal counsel has told you you can't do. What CAN you do? Start thinking about that for a start Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 What CAN I do? Well I tried telling her to just get the hell out after she told me about the baby. All she did was reel off her rights and that she's staying put until she finds somewhere. I really felt like getting into a full blown argument but I kept my cool Link to post Share on other sites
trolloperative Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 Why are you acting so weak? You're the one wronged here! File for divorce ASAP.. you can be held liable for child support if she gives birth while still married to you! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 Could it be stated any more clearly than NYCHAG has said it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 3, 2016 Author Share Posted June 3, 2016 Could it be stated any more clearly than NYCHAG has said it? I just don't have the money for a divorce, mentally I'm getting there Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 I just don't have the money for a divorce, mentally I'm getting there Guys try to be a bit more patient with Andrew. He is going through HELL. He has kept his cool and has shown to be seeking legal advice and setting himself in the right direction. His world just got turned upside down. He is in shock and things this messy don't fix themselves overnight. Telling him he is weak is only adding to the negative feelings he is going through. He is far from weak if he has gone through this so far and kept his cool. On the contrary, I think he is extremely strong and will do what needs to be done... when he can... as soon as he can. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 3, 2016 Author Share Posted June 3, 2016 Thank you, all this then the confirmation that she is indeed pregnant has just totally put me back. I know the 180 is there to help me thru this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 I just don't have the money for a divorce, mentally I'm getting there No one ever has the money to divorce. When any person wants to make it happen they prioritize and make sure it happens. Getting the money to file becomes top priority. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 Thank you, all this then the confirmation that she is indeed pregnant has just totally put me back. I know the 180 is there to help me thru this Hang in there. You and your boy are priority. Her and their baby are not your problem. She made her bed, let her lie in it. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 While I agree with tinkerbell that we need to be gentle with Andrew during such a difficult time (which most of us have experienced ourselves, so we know how hard it is, especially at the beginning), I also agree with the sentiment that, given her pregnancy, and her unwillingness to leave the home, that proceeding with the D as quickly as possible is important. I would think that the last thing you want is to be left legally responsible for a child who is not yours who is a constant reminder of your wife's infidelity. I know you said you can't afford a divorce, but affording it is not the issue anymore. Like a funeral when someone dies, it's something that simply has to be done, and the sooner the better. I wish you luck Andrew. I am sorry you are going through this, and to me you sound like you are doing OK so far given the circumstances. Best to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 4, 2016 Author Share Posted June 4, 2016 I've never felt hurt like it, although I'm getting back to work and not crying in front of my lad, inside I'm hurting like hell 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kwacker39 Posted June 4, 2016 Share Posted June 4, 2016 Yes it's the worst I've ever felt too Andrew . It's almost physical in its intensity - sometimes feels like I'm getting repeatedly punched in the stomach . Then other times like a black fog descends upon me and I just want to curl up somewhere out of the way where no one else is . But then I am finding more and more moments of relief where I feel there is a positive future waiting for me . Battle through it and I'm sure you will find a rosy future for you too - we have just got to wade through this s...t to get there . Stay as strong as you can and keep on going friend . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 4, 2016 Author Share Posted June 4, 2016 Thank you -kwacker39 we will get through this somehow Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 4, 2016 Share Posted June 4, 2016 I just don't have the money for a divorce, mentally I'm getting there You can't afford not to. The OM's baby will cost you thousands of times more money than a divorce ever will. That is just silly. And if you aren't mentally ready for a divorce after she gets knocked up by some other dude, what will it take? How can it possibly be any worse???? Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted June 4, 2016 Share Posted June 4, 2016 You can't afford not to. The OM's baby will cost you thousands of times more money than a divorce ever will. That is just silly. And if you aren't mentally ready for a divorce after she gets knocked up by some other dude, what will it take? How can it possibly be any worse???? In the UK both parents have to be present to register a child's birth, if they want the father's name on the birth certificate. Andrew42 can refuse and the section for father's details will be left blank - unless the OM decides to step up. His wife will have a great deal of difficulty in getting child support for this child if Andrew42 is not on the birth certificate. And by the time it gets to that stage, Andrew42 will be able to ask the court for a DNA test to prove the child is not his anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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