Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 We have had sex about two weeks ago Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 We have had sex about two weeks ago So if she is pregnant, the child could be yours. Demand a pregnancy and paternity test. If she is pregnant and if the child is yours and if you both want to continue as a couple, she has a lot of work to do to regain your trust and you can always rebuild the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 One more thing for your To Do list. See a lawyer NOW and learn what the state of your local law is regarding paternity. Strange as it may seem for centuries the British common law held that married man could not disclaim paternity of a child born during the marriage. That's been changed in many places but various locales have put differing obstacles in the path of a man who faces raising a child of his wife's lover. Time limits being obstacle number one. Maybe she's not pregnant, maybe if she is the child is yours. (BTW no sex with her without protection for you AFTER she shows you her clean bill of health from her doctor. ) Also discuss divorce with an attorney and find out what D means for you. Most divorced people get over it. It's not a fatal disease. Don't let her rug sweep either. Living with her and ignoring the A is a prescription for future problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 She is saying she still feels nothing for me but I can't legally stop her from being here as she's on the mortgage You posted this ^ a couple of days ago. At that time she was out, and had moved out on her own accord. I don't know what state you're in or how it works (some states have legal separations and some do not), but where I live if one moves out, they've initiated a separation and the other can legally keep them from coming back. This is done via a pendente lite hearing, which is an order to be followed by both pending actual litigation. They will often grant exclusive possession to the one who remains in the residence. You probably don't have to put up with the combing-going-comming crap. If you can get her to move out again, then you should file the appropriate process to make the separation stick, make it legal. Also, early in the thread you said there were some saving in an account in her name. This does not make the money hers - it's marital property (unless it was there before the marriage and has not been commingled). However, if one of you spend that money before a separation or filing for divorce, it's a mute point. If I were you, and if you have access to it, I'd use it to pay any bills that might be outstanding. Otherwise, she may spend it and leave you stuck with the bills. You could also pay it to your attorney as a retainer. You simply do not want to have a situation where she has money and you do not. Did you get the auto-deposit changed to an account with your name only? If not, do it yesterday. I noticed that you referred to your lawyer as "she." This may be just fine if she's objective and impartial, but not all are. If she is biased toward the old notions that women are entitled to come out on top then she may not be the bulldog you need on your side. Did you get a recommendation or do you know for a fact that she will advocate for you aggressively? Pregnancy and paternity are complete unknowns at this point. They are not actionable and should not distract you from being rational and acting in your own best interest. Not in the least. If it becomes reality you can deal with it then. I know this is an extremely tough time for you and the emotions are running high. It's important for you to separate emotions from rationality - you only want to act rationally now. Do not make any decisions because of the way you feel. This is going to be a battle. Don't let your grief defeat you. Play to win. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Thank you, yes I've changed my wages to go into my bank. The 180 is right and I know it but my emotions, feelings are all up in the air, I still can't sleep more than 2 hours and haven't eaten since Sunday, I just feel sick all the time 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 First, have you seen positive results from a pregnancy test? Those cramps she might be describing could be stress-related from the affair. Secondly, is there *any* chance the baby could be yours? If you have had sex with her as well during the last few weeks, you have to insist on a paternity test (which can happen before she gives birth). No I've not seen any results, I do know the doctors took a blood test but she hasn't had the results yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 It's early. Your feelings will be all over the place. At some point once you've settled down so what it all becomes clearer. Try and think with your mind. The heart will betray you. Sorry you're here man Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 My feelings are def up in the air that's for sure. Am I ever gonna be able to trust her again? I don't think deep down I am Do I love her? Hell yeah Do I hate her? Hell yeah I feel disgusted by the situation she's put me and our lad in. Do I wish she would just go now, go for good? Yes I think I do That's the only point I'm gonna be able to start to rebuild my life but and here's the but, how do I physically make her go when she knows she has legal rights to be in our house? I've thought about selling it, saying here's your half now sayonara But then where do me and Ben go? A grotty rented place with no security ? Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 No I've not seen any results, I do know the doctors took a blood test but she hasn't had the results yet. What a mess she has put you in your son in. You will have a battle between head and heart for a long time. Heart remembering all the things you loved and your head will, well, replay what you heard on the recording. It takes effort to fall out of love with someone who betrays you. Remembering the bad things helps, but hatred isn't the goal. It's apathy, which takes time. If she is pregnant with your child, this is a whole new consideration. Try to find this out as soon as possible so your path is clearer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 I don't think for one minute that it can be mine, granted we don't use protection but let's just say the finale didn't go there Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 It really screws with your head when they tell you they want to come back. To you know how to tell when your cheating wife is lying. Her lips move. At this point in time do not believe anything she says. Too many times I have seen where the wife does a turn around and says she wants to come back. Give it a week and she will change her tune again. The problem is with something known as love chemicals. She has told you and you have heard her say she is "in love" with the OM. In short her body is flooding her brain with love chemicals for him. It is li8ke she is on drugs. And like any drug it takes a long time to wean one self from drugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 One question..... Do I keep the recording on my phone or erase it, I keep finding myself replaying it over and over Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 My feelings are def up in the air that's for sure. Am I ever gonna be able to trust her again? I don't think deep down I am Do I love her? Hell yeah Do I hate her? Hell yeah I feel disgusted by the situation she's put me and our lad in. Do I wish she would just go now, go for good? Yes I think I do That's the only point I'm gonna be able to start to rebuild my life but and here's the but, how do I physically make her go when she knows she has legal rights to be in our house? I've thought about selling it, saying here's your half now sayonara But then where do me and Ben go? A grotty rented place with no security ? Have you asked her to leave? Treat her like a non-entity. Shun her. Don't speak or sit in the same room, or even look at her except to ask her to leave. Most people will not be able to tolerate that for long. If she does leave, act quickly to legalize the separation and obtain exclusive possession of the property. Ask the lawyer exactly how this is done - make a plan and work the plan. Under no circumstances should you leave. It's also probably a good idea to out the affair to everyone if you haven't already. I wish you had acted while she was out previously. Now you're in a psychological battle and she has some advantage because she's not devastated and you are. No I don't think you could ever trust her again. Because she has cut you completely off emotionally and is unapologetic. She is without empathy or remorse... you can't trust people who can be this unfeeling and cruel. In a sense, in the long run, you are better off with her not wanting to reconcile. You are free to begin healing as soon as you get her out and proceed with divorce. Otherwise you'd be dealing with her crap for decades. Tell her to go back to her boyfriend - tell her she doesn't belong there anymore; that she is his woman now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 It really screws with your head when they tell you they want to come back. To you know how to tell when your cheating wife is lying. Her lips move. At this point in time do not believe anything she says. Too many times I have seen where the wife does a turn around and says she wants to come back. Give it a week and she will change her tune again. The problem is with something known as love chemicals. She has told you and you have heard her say she is "in love" with the OM. In short her body is flooding her brain with love chemicals for him. It is li8ke she is on drugs. And like any drug it takes a long time to wean one self from drugs. Yes I think she is totally smitten with him Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 One question..... Do I keep the recording on my phone or erase it, I keep finding myself replaying it over and over Ask your lawyer. And STOP listening to it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Have you asked her to leave? Treat her like a non-entity. Shun her. Don't speak or sit in the same room, or even look at her except to ask her to leave. Most people will not be able to tolerate that for long. If she does leave, act quickly to legalize the separation and obtain exclusive possession of the property. Ask the lawyer exactly how this is done - make a plan and work the plan. Under no circumstances should you leave. It's also probably a good idea to out the affair to everyone if you haven't already. I wish you had acted while she was out previously. Now you're in a psychological battle and she has some advantage because she's not devastated and you are. No I don't think you could ever trust her again. Because she has cut you completely off emotionally and is unapologetic. She is without empathy or remorse... you can't trust people who can be this unfeeling and cruel. In a sense, in the long run, you are better off with her not wanting to reconcile. You are free to begin healing as soon as you get her out and proceed with divorce. Otherwise you'd be dealing with her crap for decades. Tell her to go back to her boyfriend - tell her she doesn't belong there anymore; that she is his woman now. I would say go to him but she still has a right to a key, that's my problem, are they gonna be round here like rabbits when I'm out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Also remember we have a vacation booked for the beginning of August for 2 weeks, am I gonna be thinking what they are doing in the house whilst I'm away Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 One question..... Do I keep the recording on my phone or erase it, I keep finding myself replaying it over and over I'd say you should back it up to a jump drive and put it where only you have access or know where it is. But if listening to it over and over increases your resolve to get her out of your life for good, then perhaps it's not such a bad thing temporarily. But if it only keeps you stuck in an emotional state, then archive it and store it offsite - like in a safe deposit box. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 I listen to it and breakdown Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 My feelings are def up in the air that's for sure. Am I ever gonna be able to trust her again? I don't think deep down I am Do I love her? Hell yeah Do I hate her? Hell yeah I feel disgusted by the situation she's put me and our lad in. Do I wish she would just go now, go for good? Yes I think I do That's the only point I'm gonna be able to start to rebuild my life but and here's the but, how do I physically make her go when she knows she has legal rights to be in our house? I've thought about selling it, saying here's your half now sayonara But then where do me and Ben go? A grotty rented place with no security ? You are still in love with your perception of who you thought she was. This is normal. Now you are having to come to grips with who she really is. This was going on behind your back for 8 months. It was a decision on her part and don't forget. The affair was Carefully planned and executed to deceive and betray you. You're only fault was loving and trusting your wife 100%. You don't have to do anything at this moment. Take your time and think this through. You don't have to rush anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Also remember we have a vacation booked for the beginning of August for 2 weeks, am I gonna be thinking what they are doing in the house whilst I'm away Unless she is pregnant with his baby... and even then... I predict there is a 99.9% chance they will not be together in August. She may be like rabbits in the house but likely won't be with him. Affair partners rarely work out after the affair is discovered. All the cake eating looses it flavor for the affair partner so to speak. Sh@+ gets real and they don't want to deal with the emotions and issues the married partner is going through. All that fun secret sex starts to feel like a real (really shi++y) relationship that requires work. All that is neither here nor there. She cheated. She is a cheater. You have to figure out what to do with this information and IF she wants to work on your marriage... IF you are willing to forgive and trust again. Not many can. Not many cheaters change either. Is she still communicating with him? When can you find out about the pregnacy? Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Also remember we have a vacation booked for the beginning of August for 2 weeks, am I gonna be thinking what they are doing in the house whilst I'm away Ugh, is it still going on? I thought you said she had ended it? If the affair is ongoing then I think you should definitely file and try to get a legal separation and exclusive possession of the house. If you can cancel and get your money back on the vacation rental I'd do it. Take vacation when it suits you, somewhere different. August is a long time from now when you're stuck in such a situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 One question..... Do I keep the recording on my phone or erase it, I keep finding myself replaying it over and over Keep the recording on a separate drive. You may need it later. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Also remember we have a vacation booked for the beginning of August for 2 weeks, am I gonna be thinking what they are doing in the house whilst I'm away Take your son away for vacation. Go dark on her and use the time to figure out your future. You can't stop or control what she does but you can control yourself. Not easy but you can do it. Concentrate on your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 IMO, if you haven't do full exposure before you leave that'll give them something to keep them occupied. Link to post Share on other sites
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