20 years and gone

[oldshirt]

 

 

.

 

 

I am not trying to be a prophet of doom or a Debbie Downer, but I think your chance of a SUCCESSFUL reconciliation are infinitesimally small.

 

 

.

 

I also want to make the important point that there is a galaxy of difference between a successful reconciliation where people eventually go on to a happy and healthy life and marriage vs the countless others where people are merely under the same roof after an affair.

 

 

successful reconciliations are quite rare. But instances where the affair implodes and the WS and BS end up back under the same roof, but have continued dysfunction and torment and chaos and additional affairs and just a generally sucky relationship are legendary.

 

 

Simply having someone back in the house does not a reconciliation make.

 

 

A true, successful reconciliation will often take multiple years and lots of backbreaking work and possibly tens of thousands of dollars of professional counseling and therapy. It's not for the faint of heart and it is not simply breaking up the affair and dragging your WS back into the house.

 

 

It's relatively easy to blow up an affair and get your WS back in the house.

 

 

It's a whole other reality to get to where you actually like them and respect them again and it is a whole other reality for them to ever want to only be with you again.

[CarrieT]

It's the hurting that I'm really struggling with today, I just want my wife back

The woman you want back - and still love - doesn't exist anymore. The woman you are longing for is an idealized image of someone you fell in love with years ago.

 

I have had a text conversation with her and she's def does not want to come back and refuses to end the relationship with him.

This is the woman who exists now; a shrew who could lie, cheat, deceive, and stab you in the back. A woman who could throw you - and your child! - under a train for her own selfish pleasure. It *will* come back to bite her when the OM dumps her (as they usually do).

 

You are only a few days into this and are still reeling from the effects, but it will get better and you will love again. Someone else who is true and honest.

 

Trust us; many of us have been in your shoes.

[oldshirt]

I have had a text conversation with her and she's def does not want to come back and refuses to end the relationship with him.

 

 

 

Then at this point, any discussion of reconciliations or second chances etc etc is all wasted breath and wasted bandwidth.

 

 

This is a death. Treat it as such.

 

 

Do as you would if she unexpectedly got killed. You deal with legal and financial matters. You come up with a plan for the care of your son. You make out a general life-plan for the rest of your life without that person.

 

 

And then when you have your legal and financial matters and your child care plan under control, you have a funeral and a proper burial and then you mourn and go through your stages of loss and grief.

 

 

In the end you come out the other side and move on with your life and in time experience happiness and joy and fulfilment and all those other things again.

 

 

And like a death of someone close to you, you will always miss them and always have a mark that they left. But it heals over and you do go back to being fully functioning and able to live your life again.

 

 

You will get through this and come out the other side on top.

[Andrew42]

Thank you, like someone said this sure is a roller coaster

[Andrew42]

I know I know people are right and I need to think positive but today is a bad day

[Andrew42]

No contact, you cannot nice her back. It will only make you look weak in her eyes.

Let me guess, you just woke up.

We are weakest when we first wake up

From the few facts, more and more it sounds like a MLC,

Walking out on her son and not putting up a fight?

Thinking of starting with somebody what maybe less than how many years older than her son?

And with a garbage pit?

I watched a neighbor lady do something similar. Up and walked out on her family of a Sophomore boy and a sister who was just starting college.

Told everybody she was madly in love with a coworker.

That is until the coworker called her husband and said get your wife away from me. She is nuts!

He was a married man, had and wanted nothing to do with her ever, and she was pursuing him, and trying to destroy his happy marriage and family.

Work, family, ganged up on her and forced her to see a doctor. Doctor found she was low on some hormone, or something (this was 55 years ago, so do not know or remember what)

 

Ive just realised on Monday she was here and my lad was in crying saying he wanted his mum and dad back together, she said I've got to go to work, she went straight to pick him up

[Frank13]

One thing I am worried about is in the recording .....

 

Does your lawyer know about the recording? What are your state laws regarding recording people? It is possible your state requires one or both parties to give permission to be recorded. Regardless of the law, I would have done the exact same thing you did. I just don't want it to bite you in the behind. You may have to "accidentally" delete the recording.

[2.50 a gallon]

After my break up I found that I was obsessed with thinking about her, It was like every thought in my head was about her. So I had to find something to keep me from thinking about her.

First step was getting back into my hobbies that I had ignored.

I also realized that this was an opportunity to try new things. I failed at raising orchids, but succeeded in raising rare and hard to breed tropical fish.

First I had to get the water just right, then once I got them to breed it took a lot of effort to collect and raise the fry.

Slowly I turned the seconds of not thinking about her into minutes, hours and even days.

As a way to better myself and looking down the road towards the day I would get back into the dating world, I bought a gourmet cookbook from Goodwill and began to teach myself how to cook some gourmet meals. That was a many times winner. The meals took longer, less thinking about her, to cook, I was rewarded with a fantastic meal, And Oh Boy when I get back into the dating scene. In fact, it played a big part into winning the heart of my current GF.

Put some thought into what you and your son can now try with her gone.

I had a friend who since childhood was fascinated with snakes. As a boy it was "forget about it" from his mom, and later his EX.

What new things can you and your son try? Rock climbing, fly fishing, radio controlled planes, cars, a model train. Snakes, poison dart frogs,

She no longer has a vote.

Find something to keep your mind busy and not thinking about her

[Andrew42]

I just need to get my head round the fact that she isn't coming back, my wife, my best friend, that's what I can't under stand and absorb, this may sound corny but she was my world.

[Andrew42]

Does your lawyer know about the recording? What are your state laws regarding recording people? It is possible your state requires one or both parties to give permission to be recorded. Regardless of the law, I would have done the exact same thing you did. I just don't want it to bite you in the behind. You may have to "accidentally" delete the recording.

 

She didn't say anything about it being an issue, all she said was a court wouldn't take it into consideration

[chew123]

Andrew,

 

One day at a time. She is no longer your world. Once you accept that she is gone you will probably realize it is not that big of a loss.

 

I felt the same as you approx 2 years ago. Now I look back and realize how lucky I was that she chose AP over me. I never had to deal with any kind of reconciliation. Take the fct that she refuses to come back as a blessing.

 

Time to do the 180, concentrate on yourself and your kids. Eventually you will stop thinking about the future that you planned and realize your life is now wide open. Once that sets in it is really exciting.

 

However for now just one day at a time. We were all where you were in the beginning. It took me about 2 months before I could even sleep or eat properly.

 

Take care of yourself. It will get better, I promise.

[Andrew42]

Andrew,

 

One day at a time. She is no longer your world. Once you accept that she is gone you will probably realize it is not that big of a loss.

 

I felt the same as you approx 2 years ago. Now I look back and realize how lucky I was that she chose AP over me. I never had to deal with any kind of reconciliation. Take the fct that she refuses to come back as a blessing.

 

Time to do the 180, concentrate on yourself and your kids. Eventually you will stop thinking about the future that you planned and realize your life is now wide open. Once that sets in it is really exciting.

 

However for now just one day at a time. We were all where you were in the beginning. It took me about 2 months before I could even sleep or eat properly.

 

Take care of yourself. It will get better, I promise.

 

Thank you, I haven't eaten since Sunday lunchtime when it all happened, I still have a huge sickness feeling, maybe that hurt, betrayal etc I dunno.

 

im off work at the mo, maybe I need to go in for a few hours

[2.50 a gallon]

It is called the infidelity diet. Most of us posting have lived through it.

I turned to chocolate malts to help me.

I know a part of you hopes that somehow she will see the light and come running back.

In my case it did happen. I caught her cheating kicked her out, she moved in with the OM, and then upon paying a visit to supposedly to spend some time with our cats. Actually it was to rub salt into the wound and tell me how great the OM was.

When she got ready to go, she put two and two together and realized that I had not spent the night alone. She raced off to the bedroom and realized her gut was right. She then did a total 180, the OM was chit, she had made a big mistake, actually rolling the floor sobbing how much she wanted me back.

For me it was even harder than D-day. I still loved her and part of me wanted to say we will work it out and all my pain would vanish.

But another part of me, the logic part said no way, she cheated. Can I really trust her for the rest of my life? We still had not had any kids, and what would I do 10, and as you 20 years down the road, when we had a kid and she once again stepped over the line.

The answer had to be no and never.

That was even more painful

[tinkerbell16]

Thank you, I haven't eaten since Sunday lunchtime when it all happened, I still have a huge sickness feeling, maybe that hurt, betrayal etc I dunno.

 

im off work at the mo, maybe I need to go in for a few hours

 

Yes, the divorce diet. I was 106 pounds for months then oddly everyone kept saying I was "glowing" and looked 10 years younger. I just experienced the destruction of my marriage but somehow after reality set in the relief of getting off the crazy rollercoaster ride reflected in my skin, my attitude, my physique. Dare I say... I was experiencing joy again? You will too. It may be a long while and everyone heals differently. But I promise you you will experience joy and love again. She cant take this from you... Your future and what good things YOU will make happen in it. The next months ahead you will learn so much about yourself, your strength and you capacity to love. While she is selfish and cruel you will be selfless and a solid man. Your son will see this and how you act and react will define how he feels about you and ultimately how you feel about yourself. Choose always the high road. You will sleep again... like a well fed baby. She will have years of sleepless nights ahead full of regret.

[Andrew42]

What do you do on the dark days like today

[tinkerbell16]

What do you do on the dark days like today

 

Keep talking to people who have been through it. No one, even those who love you (like family) understand what this feels like unless they have gone through it themselves. I NEVER I mean NEVER expected or suspected my ex would flake out like he did. We had been together more than half of our lives in a very loving and supporting way. I sometimes feel it is worse than a death and I have also experienced death (close family members) because the person you knew and loved is dead to you but they still are there on the planet. It is like a sick joke. You almost can pretend when you see them nothing has changed but your mind reminds you everything has changed. You will learn new survival skills and what I mean by that is heart survival skills. Stay away from unhealthy coping mechanisms... like drinking the pain away. Many people start really bad habits during this time. Don't do it. You will be ok and happy again. You can see it now because the pain is so very intense. My heart literally ached. It was unbearable at times. It will pass and you will laugh again and love again. It just takes time. You may not believe it (I would not have if someone told me this when I was in your stage) but I feel lucky now. I feel like I have been given two lives... one that was great for many years with my ex and now as a single lady I have met soo many incredible people and have had some amazing experiences I would never have been able or brave enough or even interested in doing while I was married. I never imagined any good coming from it but it has. Ten fold.

[KBarletta]

What do you do on the dark days like today

 

As others have said, sometimes you have to force yourself to do it, but you have to actively work, especially at the beginning, to move on. You have to put one foot in front of the other, get out of the house, stay active, take care of yourself, remember that she is NOT your world. Your world is now you and your son. She is no longer the person she was. Remember that at all times.

 

Seek help, talk to friends, talk to family, others who have gone through the same thing. Talk to a therapist. Keep posting here. Whatever you need to do to get your head right and put yourself in a position to keep moving forward.

 

What not to do: Don't sit at home alone and dwell on what has happened, don't spend all of your time focusing on what you've lost. Give yourself a few moments if those thoughts come into your head to recognize them and then banish them. Focus on what is ahead.

 

Believe me, I have been there. So many of us here have been there. It DOES get better. There IS life after this, and for me, a year and a half later, that life is better than the one I had. My relationship with my child is stronger, I feel like a happier, healthier person, and I go days without my ex even crossing my mind.

 

Stick to no contact (or as limited as necessary to deal with child issues) and don't bring up reconciliation again. Don't try to beg her back, or nice her back, or be her back-burner option.

 

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually you will have moved on.

 

I wish you luck, and please keep posting. It will help.

 

KTB

[Andrew42]

I hope so I really do.

What's really playing on my mind is we have a family holiday booked in August, do I still go with my son or cancel it, it's a place we've been as a 3 person family for many years, what should I do?

[GorillaTheater]

I hope so I really do.

What's really playing on my mind is we have a family holiday booked in August, do I still go with my son or cancel it, it's a place we've been as a 3 person family for many years, what should I do?

 

 

Go with your son. Part of the process is making new memories.

[chew123]

I went on vacation with my son about 6 months after DDAY. It was a place we had previously gone as a family. Go and enjoy yourselves.

 

One other thing I would advise is to try and be strong for your son. I know it is tough but try to avoid breaking down in front of him. He needs to see you being strong and moving forward even if you are faking it. It will make it easier for him. If he sees that you are surviving and eventually thriving he won't have to worry about you. He already has enough to deal with accepting your wife's behavior.

[Andrew42]

I can't legally refuse her entry in to the house, even tho I've changed the locks she's entitled to a key

[Andrew42]

Sorry to keep posting random things but my head is everywhere at the min

[Andrew42]

I need to get her out my head, I need to get her out my head

[tinkerbell16]

I hope so I really do.

What's really playing on my mind is we have a family holiday booked in August, do I still go with my son or cancel it, it's a place we've been as a 3 person family for many years, what should I do?

 

Try not to decide on the vacation now unless you are under some sort of deadline. I had a similar thing where we had already planned a vacation just two weeks after I threw him out and ended up going with the kids. I think for all of us it was too painful too soon. We had always gone there as a family. It was a gaping hole and we all faked it but in retrospect it was too soon. The following year I went on purpose... to create new memories. I think wait until closer to August to know if you are or aren't ready if possible. Today think about eating. Cook something healthy if you cook. Get outside. More time outside is good. Breathe in the sun. Just breathe. Sometimes that's all you can do.

[oldshirt]

I can't legally refuse her entry in to the house, even tho I've changed the locks she's entitled to a key

 

 

 

This is something to work out with your attorney.

 

 

You can't keep her from her property or her child, but if you are afraid of her stealing your stuff or damaging the house or threatening your or your son's safety or well being, you may be able to get a court action requiring her to get her stuff under supervision.