20 years and gone

[Andrew42]

Thank you everyone for your advice, I asked her again a couple of hours ago if there's someone else and still she says no

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you everyone for your advice, I asked her again a couple of hours ago if there's someone else and still she says no

 

Stop asking. It's naive and unrealistic to think someone engaged in an act of deception (if that's the case) will be truthful about their role in it. The answer will be apparent shortly, seems to always work that way.

 

As has been suggested, implement the 180. Quoted here for your benefit:

 

The 180

 

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

 

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

 

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

 

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

 

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Andrew42]

They make sense, I've tried today to speak to my lad on a dad/friend basis that together we can get thru this. 10 mins later I walk into the supermarket and bump into a family friend, they ask how we are and I breakdown, yes I know it's only been one day but it's as tho 20 years have just been wasted

[KBarletta]

Thank you everyone for your advice, I asked her again a couple of hours ago if there's someone else and still she says no

 

I posed the same question to my exW and got the same response, which I believed until I saw the truth with my own eyes. She may be telling the truth, she may not. But chances are that you aren't going to get the truth from her, you'll have to find it out on your own.

[Andrew42]

When does it get better, the feeling of total emptiness

[dreamingoftigers]

When does it get better, the feeling of total emptiness

 

Weeks/months.

 

And it totally depends on how well you 180, IMHO.

[Marc878]

Check your phone bill.

 

Something is amiss here. This probably didn't just happen

[Marc878]

Thank you everyone for your advice, I asked her again a couple of hours ago if there's someone else and still she says no

 

Don't expect the truth. You need to find out what you're dealing with.

[tinkerbell16]

I posed the same question to my exW and got the same response, which I believed until I saw the truth with my own eyes. She may be telling the truth, she may not. But chances are that you aren't going to get the truth from her, you'll have to find it out on your own.

 

Agree, when the I love you but I an not in love with you is spoken 99.9% of the time they are already in another "relationship" whether emotionally or physically. My ex did the same... the one who you spent so many loving years with can turn on a dime and betray you and your vows. Happens every day. Sad.... but this is likely the case. Keep your cool and show your son what the high road looks like. It will be a rough rod ahead...

[tinkerbell16]

Agree, when the I love you but I an not in love with you is spoken 99.9% of the time they are already in another "relationship" whether emotionally or physically. My ex did the same... the one who you spent so many loving years with can turn on a dime and betray you and your vows. Happens every day. Sad.... but this is likely the case. Keep your cool and show your son what the high road looks like. It will be a rough rod ahead...

"Road" ahead

[Andrew42]

But how do I find out if there is someone else involved?

[Andrew42]

I said to myself that I wouldn't cry today, to keep strong for my lad, it didn't last long.

I've told her to find somewhere sooner rather than later.

She says she feels nothing for me at all.

We had a family holiday booked for August, she says she's not going, do I cancel altogether or me and my lad go, the problem is it's somewhere where we've been as a family for the last few years.

[tinkerbell16]

But how do I find out if there is someone else involved?

 

You may never know the truth. But ask yourself would knowing the specifics help you or hurt you...

I knew my ex was cheating. I didn't care who how where. I just knew in my gut. 30 years with him so I just knew. Maybe she is experiencing a mid life crises. It is common.

In any case dont torment yourself with the reason. She said she doesn't love you anymore. It is devastating news. I have been there. Two years ago... now I am happy and my kids are healthy and even though we had a good amount of happy years together I could never imagine going back... although I suspect he would take me back in a second. Didn't take him long after he "fell out if love" to realize the grass he was mowing wasn't greener after all. Typical. Weird feeling after being a couple but put yourself first. Get rest, cry when u need to, but pick yourself up quickly and stay busy. Focus on healthy things... there will be a day when you look back and can see it for what it is and you will be happy again.

[Andrew42]

Thank you, it's hard in fact I've cried to people the last two days that I wouldn't dream of in a normal situation.

My lad has stopped crying and I can't do the same, I need to be strong for him and I'm struggling to

[2.50 a gallon]

Sorry to say, it takes time to heal.

You have just punched your ticket for the world's wildest roller coaster ride. In the near future you will begin for feel a little bit better about your situation, "I can live with this, I'll find someone younger and better", then the next morning you will awake and be right back to day one.

The 180 is not to get her back, it is to get you going down the road and moving on.

Is there someone else. Google "Gathering Evidence Infidelity"

For now concentrate on living for and helping your son. You have lost a wife, she can be replaced, he has lost a mother.

[Andrew42]

The 180 makes total total sense and I've said to her if that's what she wants its got to be sooner rather than later, she tried turning it round saying 'so your throwing me out'?

I'm not and if I could erase the last few days I would at the drop of a hat.

Should I feel angry. I don't know what to feel

[Mr. Lucky]

The 180 makes total total sense and I've said to her if that's what she wants its got to be sooner rather than later, she tried turning it round saying 'so your throwing me out'?

 

Exactly the kind of discussion you want to avoid initiating or participating in:

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

I would definitely go on the vacation with your son, indicates you're going to live your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[gemini6]

I would definitely go on the vacation with your son, indicates you're going to live your life...

Yes! Definitely go with your son. I'd invite a friend too if you've already paid for an extra ticket - you NEED to get out of your house, and away from the situation for awhile so that you can relax and breathe.

Stay away from her as much as possible - concentrate on finding the person you used to be - I was so much more fun before I was married! I had to find that girl again - it takes time Andrew and I know it's tough but please don't feed her ego anymore, don't let her see you cry, don't let her see anything but a happy go lucky Andrew who is just fine without her!

I used to sing "Zippidy doo dah Zippidy yay, my oh my what a wonderful day" in my head when I had to be around my H for short periods of time..it helped. I also went camping and canoeing with some friends - what a blast! I left town and went "home" to see my family - it did wonders for me to just get away from it all!

Of course she is trying to turn it around on you - so typical! All you have to say is "Yeah, I guess so, it's what you want so go - go choke on the greener grass! See ya! I'm going hiking or I'm going golfing or whatever you like to do but walk out and don't argue with her - just walk away from her and go do something fun! Don't get sucked into the "talk" because all the "talk" is just her blaming you for everything and justifying her actions - that's it, it's not about you it's her trying to feel better about what she is doing..nothing more - so don't even bother with it - it will only make you feel worse.

[standtall]

Andrew..Im gonna get you my standard statement since you haven't revealed a whole lot about your marriage.

 

Women with minor children seldom leave marriages unless.

 

1. Physical or emotional abuse by you.

2. Emotional abandonment by you...ie too much Xbox, too many fantasy football teams, too much hanging out with the boys. etc.

3. Drug/alcohol abuse by either.

4. 3rd party involvement by either.

 

Since there are no absolutes in human behaviors or relationships, then this list is not absolute, but I would bet this covers 95%. Mental illness by either would be another in that last 5%

 

Pick your poison...be objective.

[elaine567]

I used to sing "Zippidy doo dah Zippidy yay, my oh my what a wonderful day" in my head when I had to be around my H for short periods of time..it helped..

 

Love that.

[Andrew42]

I've thrown her out after listening to a conversation with her and her 'lover'

I put a recorder in the car

[Andrew42]

It's an hour long about how much he wants sex and her agreeing

[GorillaTheater]

I'm very sorry, Andrew. All you have to do now is breathe. There'll be time to deal with this. It may not feel like it now, but you can handle this.

[Alltohim]

Andrew,

One thing that might be of help is seeking a counselor or sitting down with you pastor for the time being just for yourself. And then asking your wife to also sit with you and the counselor and/or pastor to iron things out. In the mean time to help your son maybe he could visit a relative to give him support. Stay connected the best you can and stay strong my friend, you're in my prayers.

[Steen719]

Sorry, Andrew. It hurts so much to have to confront this. A lot of us know how it feels. You cannot do anything but go through it. Concentrate on getting her the heck out of there. Once she is gone and your son is in school, in bed, whatever - cry. It hurts; you should feel bereft. Believe me, crying in cathartic. You might only feel better for a little time, but the desperate feeling will eventually fade some with time and each week will being some ease. I remember feeling that I was so very grateful when I felt a little better because I knew that more of that was on the way.

 

Do some things with your son. Go to the movies, out to eat, something that you both will enjoy. While this is difficult at any age, I think adolescents must have a very difficult time processing this and I know this sounds sexist, but I think most of us think our mother will be there no matter what. You obviously care a great deal about his welfare, so he is very fortunate. Let him talk, try not to bad-mouth your wife (that is so freaking hard) and see if he will talk to someone, if not you. My son did not really want to talk a lot. He wrote music that reflected his anger and internalized his pain. So very difficult to see.

 

She is gone, Andrew. Tell her to go now and you go see an attorney. At some point in her future, she will most likely look at this time with incredulity - that she could do this to her family. It won't be right away and don't live for that, because if she does decide this down the road, you most likely won't want her.

 

Eat well, exercise, try to find a divorce support group, talk to your good friends. Do you have parents around? Talk to your mom. Talk to anyone who loves you.

 

And, just to answer a previous question, just for me, it took me about 6 months from the time I moved out to feel better enough to really feel that I might be on the mend. It is different for everyone, but as DOT said, you must do the 180.

 

So sorry and I hope you are getting through it OK..keep posting.

Edited May 24, 2016 by Steen719