Redhead14 Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Hello, I am new here and need some help. My 17 year old son was in a 3 year relationship with his girlfriend who was the same age. Well a month ago, He was taking her home from a movie and My sons car was struck by a drunk driver. His girlfriend died on scene and my son was airlifted and spent a week in ICU and another week in regular care of the hospital. Well he is just now back to going to school. And things are not well, He is drinking a lot and we are not sure where he is getting the alcohol is coming from. He is depressed and cries uncontrollably lately and his hygiene is gone. He doesn't shower for days and wears the same cloths even to school. He is pushing away friends at school and getting into fights. And is very near getting kicked off of the Football and baseball teams. On the Football team he is the starting QB or was before the wreck. And baseball he was there CF'er. He was/is a very well liked kid at school. My husband and i are unsure what to do at this point. We are lost. You need to get him into grief counseling immediately. I am somewhat surprised that the school hasn't offered some kind of grief counseling for him and her classmates. That is usually done around my area in these cases. Call a child psychologist as soon as possible. Tell him/her what's been going on and they will advise you accordingly. He may resist going but the counselor should be able to give you some advice as to what to do and say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 9, 2015 Author Share Posted December 9, 2015 But they have a right to know. Hiding it and omitting the truth from them is not cool at all. They are adults and as painful as it will be hearing that their daughter was pregnant, they need to know. They find out later and realize nobody told them and you all hid it, they're gonna be more upset and angry too. I just don't know what good it will do to know, I mean what will it change? Son doesn't want them to be told. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 But they have a right to know. Hiding it and omitting the truth from them is not cool at all. They are adults and as painful as it will be hearing that their daughter was pregnant, they need to know. They find out later and realize nobody told them and you all hid it, they're gonna be more upset and angry too. I hear ya. I think they should know but it's going to cause them even more pain. It's hard to decide how to handle it; how to tell them, and who should do the telling. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 I just don't know what good it will do to know, I mean what will it change? Son doesn't want them to be told. The respect his wishes. It's not your secret to tell. he probably knows her parents better then you do & may know that they would have a negative reaction & be mad at the daughter or he just doesn't want to add to their grief. If you tell them behind his back I think you may irreparably harm your relationship with your child. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Well she is buried now and they never told us anything so I don't think they know. Just thought of this, is it possible they do know and feel they don't want to tell you and your son for the same reasons, fear of more pain? Never say never. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 The respect his wishes. It's not your secret to tell. he probably knows her parents better then you do & may know that they would have a negative reaction & be mad at the daughter or he just doesn't want to add to their grief. If you tell them behind his back I think you may irreparably harm your relationship with your child. I am not going to tell them, Unless he tells me to I don't feel like betraying the little trust he has in people right now. I mean it's a miracle he told be this with his therapist nudging him to tell me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 Just thought of this, is it possible they do know and feel they don't want to tell you and your son for the same reasons, fear of more pain? Never say never. Perhaps, But as I said above I won't betray my son's trust right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 There is no way to speak delicately regarding the possible pregnancy of your son's deceased girlfriend. Please overlook my bluntness...I mean no offense. Your son thinks his girlfriend was pregnant but unless she was far along to determine this as truth.....if she was then, make no mistake, her parents are already aware. If she had an autopsy, they are aware. There is a possibility that she had missed a period and voiced a concern to your son but nothing was yet verified by either test or doctor. If she had a test but had yet to see a doctor, there is a chance that she was not. There are too many variable's without fact. As your son communicates more openly, there will be more information regarding a possible pregnancy. Even so, the only meaning it has now is for your son to process, grieve and move forward. If she was not pregnant and your son only believes that she was, that is a terrible weight for him and an additional suffering. As he opens up more to professionals, you and your husband.....maybe there will be a time that the possibility of whether she was or was not pregnant will become more clear. In the meantime, I agree with your decision to respect your son's trust. You know your own son best Mom. I still think that time will allow better perspective and clarity for everyone. I can't imagine that while your son is in so much pain and the girl's parent's are not able to.....ok, I can't imagine any good to come from it. I think you are making the right choice to leave this alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 12, 2015 Author Share Posted December 12, 2015 Got my son home tonight and it has honestly been far better then I ever could of hopped for. He is hanging out and entertaining his little brother and watching tv. Trying to get him to eat is still a battle though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Glad to see this update! And I hope you get some well needed rest, a good nights sleep! Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Don't mean for this to be taken the wrong way. Is your son the type of person who made his girlfriend his whole life? Just thinking about the certain guys and couples I was around in high school that did themselves a disservice later on in life by thinking that the people they were with at 15,16,17,18 were the people they were going to be with forever. And while I tm think you've handled this remarkably well considering the tragic and difficult circumstances, I think it's important at some point once you feel/notice your son is capable enough to start encouraging him and parentally pushing/guiding him to start leading his life again. You're not asking him to stop mourning her or to get over it... But eventually you're going to have to give him a little more than a nudge to start functioning as a person again. I realize this is all still very fresh in all your minds....but if he's still crippled by it a month or two from now then something's going to have to be done. And it's an incredibly difficult line to tow based on his mental state at the moment so I realize this is incredibly difficult and easier said than done. Definitely have him continue therapy and counseling and I think it's a good idea that you have a close relationship with his therapist as well. Not in a way where you're asking her to share what he's sayin or feeling. But close in that she includes you and can let you know if he's progressing, or suggestions she/he has of things you can do/say when you're sons at home. Perhaps at some point she can ask him if he wouldn't mind asking you to join then for a session. That would be a big step for both of you. Wish you and your family the best 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) Don't mean for this to be taken the wrong way. Is your son the type of person who made his girlfriend his whole life? Just thinking about the certain guys and couples I was around in high school that did themselves a disservice later on in life by thinking that the people they were with at 15,16,17,18 were the people they were going to be with forever. I have to disagree with a lot of this. Her son has been through a horrible experience - the sudden death of someone he obviously loved dearly. I don't think it's fair to say that if he's not pulling it together within a few months, then something must be wrong with him. Young people do not have enough life experience to know how the process will pan out. As we get older, we start to understand this better, we accept that healing is a process, we know that life happens. I get all that now but when I was in my teens, I didn't have this perspective. What I actually think is encouraging is that her son is at least very honest about his feelings. He isn't aware of it but he is letting himself grieve and that in itself is very important. It's the ones who pretend that nothing is wrong, that they're tough and can get through it, that I worry about. I think her son has a much better chance of getting past this in a healthy way than someone who isn't as honest. Edited December 12, 2015 by bathtub-row Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 If his gf took a pregnancy test and it was positive, there's little doubt that she was pregnant. Those tests, especially when they show positive, are very accurate. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Got my son home tonight and it has honestly been far better then I ever could of hopped for. He is hanging out and entertaining his little brother and watching tv. Trying to get him to eat is still a battle though. So glad to hear this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 They most lilikely were going to be togeather for an extremely long time. My son and her had been through a lot and while they were young it does not discredit or make what they had any less real. I don't know if she took a pregnancy test not sure how to approach that subject with my son. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 They most lilikely were going to be togeather for an extremely long time. My son and her had been through a lot and while they were young it does not discredit or make what they had any less real. I don't know if she took a pregnancy test not sure how to approach that subject with my son. I'm not sure I'd worry about that right now. Someday he'll probably tell you; when it doesn't hurt so much. I really think it's a moot point at this time. The only thing relevant about it is that it's another level of pain for him, and it helps you understand that. I know that when my son was that age and dating a girl he ended up dating for 5 years, if she had died suddenly, he would've been devastated. It's such a tragic, mind-blowing thing to lose someone in such a way. I think you're son will be fine eventually but it's going to be a long process. It seems to me that he has a wonderful mom in you and while it may not seem that he currently appreciates that, he does on some level that he's not aware of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 Son actually went and hung out with a couple friends today. My jaw about hit the floor, albeit trying to get him to actually eat is still a struggle. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 The friends are another source of support. Assuming he came home sober, take it as a victory. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Son actually went and hung out with a couple friends today. My jaw about hit the floor, albeit trying to get him to actually eat is still a struggle. This is great to hear! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 Yes, He came home sober. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
didithappen Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 (edited) I'm very sorry OP. This must be a tough time for him as well for you. He needs to see a psychologist, this is the only way he can sort through these issues. This is obviously not a diagnosis and is not sufficient for a doctors advice, but I'd put money on your son having a head injury along with post-traumatic stress disorder. I'm telling you this because I went through a similar experience a year ago, and can sympathize with his situation. I was involved in an accident and suffered severe lacerations, a concussion and PTSD. I too suffered from mood-swings, uncontrollable crying, flashbacks, nightmares....It's really hell. I began to see a psychologist and within 4 months I had conquered both of those issues. There is hope, but he is going to need the proper treatment. Recovery is slow, and to this day I (a year later) I can still get a little teary when I think about what happened. It's also important for him to stop drinking alcohol. Not only is this unsafe for head injuries, it only temporarily masks the problems and makes them worse in the long run. You're son has to learn to deal with the pain, however uncomfortable, in a healthy way. Not to mention that at his age his brain is not fully developed. Offer him your unconditional support and learn about his condition and symptoms as best as you can. He needs a strong family support to get through this difficult time, and when he is ready he may be able to talk about it with you. The "gold standard" treatment for PTSD involves desensitizing your body and nervous system to whatever trauma occured, this is not pleasant and usually get's a little worse before it get's better. Best of luck. Edited December 15, 2015 by didithappen Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Son actually went and hung out with a couple friends today. My jaw about hit the floor, albeit trying to get him to actually eat is still a struggle. "It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop." Confucius I thought of you when I read this because this is what you are doing. Love conquers.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 16, 2015 Author Share Posted December 16, 2015 I really hope my son isn't masking his feelings now he seems better but I am honestly unsure. Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 I really hope my son isn't masking his feelings now he seems better but I am honestly unsure. You're not going to be sure for a while. Make sure he continues to see a therapist and that he's being treated properly. Don't let him drink or party because that can lead to a whole other set of problems. Do you have a relationship with his group of friends or best friend at least? Maybe talk to them privately and reach out asking that they keep an eye on your son when he goes out with them. Ask that they keep your conversation private which they'll respect and express that you are counting on them to support and help your son get through this. Ask that they don't drink or pressure him to drink/join them for the time being while he's still in therapy. Make sure they know how important this is and how dangerous it can be for your son. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 I really hope my son isn't masking his feelings now he seems better but I am honestly unsure. He's going to mask a little, which is OK. He doesn't need to wear his heart on his sleeve for the whole world. For him to act "normal" and be with his friends is OK. Fake it 'til you make it is a valid coping strategy. If he has an outlet for the bad stuff -- you and his therapists -- that's fine. Link to post Share on other sites
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