Author Mom22Boys Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 Today was really hard, he wasn't stable enough at all to let me take him out so I went and got him some turkey day food. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 He will get better, please try to stay positive, even though now it doesn't seem like he is going to. This is a huge process that takes time. You're in my thoughts and I send you lots of encouragement and hugs from Canada! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Today was really hard, he wasn't stable enough at all to let me take him out so I went and got him some turkey day food. I'm glad he's staying there if he's still unstable. I hope he ate the food. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 28, 2015 Author Share Posted November 28, 2015 He wouldn't at first, Started nibbling on it after awhile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 I haven't replied to this thread before but I've been following it. Mom22boys I can tell you love your son very much and I'm so sorry for this heartbreaking situation. Does your son open up to anyone? Are the counsellors able to get him to talk? I don't have any wise words or advice but I'm sure rooting for you and your boy. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 He can't talk because it hurts too much to talk. I am like this even after the death of a pet. It's not about you. It's a stage of grief. I echo the beliefs of others that he's just very lost right now but as he passes through the stages of grief he will eventually recognize that life goes on. Your husband is being a pretty typical man and thinks your son should just clam up and set the pain aside, but he's wrong. And he shouldn't be communicating anything like that to the son if he is. Losing a young one when young is way different and more intense than losing someone when you're older and they're older. He's where he needs to be getting care. The only issue I have with his program right now from reading this is that you should also be getting counseling so you understand what is going on with him and also to help you express your fears and let someone deal with them. You should ask the hospital he's in if there is some support counseling to help you deal with this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 He can't talk because it hurts too much to talk. I am like this even after the death of a pet. It's not about you. It's a stage of grief. I echo the beliefs of others that he's just very lost right now but as he passes through the stages of grief he will eventually recognize that life goes on. Your husband is being a pretty typical man and thinks your son should just clam up and set the pain aside, but he's wrong. And he shouldn't be communicating anything like that to the son if he is. Losing a young one when young is way different and more intense than losing someone when you're older and they're older. He's where he needs to be getting care. The only issue I have with his program right now from reading this is that you should also be getting counseling so you understand what is going on with him and also to help you express your fears and let someone deal with them. You should ask the hospital he's in if there is some support counseling to help you deal with this. All of this. Quoted again in bold for truth. Please take these words to heart mom. Thoughts and love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 First off I am so sorry to hear what you've been going through and it's awful that your son had to experience this at such a young age. That is something no one should have to go through. Couple questions and observations. I know that he's not talking to you yet or opening up but are you talking to him? Reassuring him that you love him and it's not his fault? Letting him know that he has a lot of people who love him and that his gf wouldn't want him to be crippled by this tragedy the rest of his life? Even if he doesn't reply, you need to beat that into his head so that he starts believing that he still means so much to so many people. Ask in a way that gets him to see that as destroyed as he is right now, by not looking after himself and by harming himself, he is forcing his family and friends to go through the same turmoil and heartache that he is because you're all terrified and on edge now about losing him. Also... You say he started drinking a lot and became very serious with binge drinking hard alchohol. Please don't take this the wrong way but are you absolutely sure that he hadn't been drinking the night of the accident? I'm not saying he was intoxicated, but perhaps if he had a drink or two earlier in the night he is thinking that he is at fault for this because of that. Of course he's not, but just trying to come up with reasons why he might hold himself responsible. This is something that could be a reason and is worth finding out or having his therapist look into. Lastly I noticed that you say "I just want my son back" , which I completely understand and feel for you because you love him so much. However I think that it's important for you and your family to realize that your son won't ever be the same or completely like he was before this happened. That's not to say that he can't learn how to cope and get a grasp on his life where he's able to live happily and fully. I mean it in a way where he will always have this experience as a part of his life and the images are engrained in his mind forever. So you might need to look into talking to a therapist as well in order to be able to cope with how this is affecting not only your son, but yourself, and your entire family. Again, I'm so sorry you have to go through this but just offering other suggestions on things that could possibly make a difference to your son and you as well. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 29, 2015 Author Share Posted November 29, 2015 I don't sit there quite with him, I am talking to him and telling him how loved he is. My son has never touched alchol before this. He has his blood drawn and tested after the wreck and he was clean. Before this he told me everything that was going on and never did anything bad. He even told me when he lost his virginity to his girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 I don't sit there quite with him, I am talking to him and telling him how loved he is. My son has never touched alchol before this. He has his blood drawn and tested after the wreck and he was clean. Before this he told me everything that was going on and never did anything bad. He even told me when he lost his virginity to his girlfriend. Ok, so then that shows its just how he's coping with it and numbing himself to the pain instead of being something he's done even before the accident in terms of alchohol. What's he doing on a day tk day basis now? Is he home? At hospital or counseling center? Is he opening up with his therapist? Does he think it's his fault? How does he react when he's told that his gf wouldn't want him to be doing this to himself? Did he have any interests that would make him smile by doing again? Where are his friends during all this? Are they visiting? Was he into sports? I had a close friend whose brother committed suicide in hs and he was as distraught as your son is. What really helped him was getting back into playing football. Being around his team. Started by just being a mental distraction but he was also physically able to let out his anger and frustration in practice and on the field. Slowly started laughing at the jokes and fun being had around him, then started joining in. Eventually he was back to himself and the team and sport allowed him to get back to that. Is there anything like that your son can do? Or maybe you can suggest something. Ask him if he's angry/frustrated and wanted to perhaps take a Boxing or MMA class so he can let some of that out constructively... Just an idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 He is at a mental health Hospital. He has opened up a bit but not much, yes he is blaming himself a lot as well he ignores anything we say anything about his girlfriend not wanting him like this. He has had a lot of friends come visit and his youth pastor has come visited the most. He was the starting QB on the HS football team and was being recruited by Colleges. And now its all gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 He is at a mental health Hospital. He has opened up a bit but not much, yes he is blaming himself a lot as well he ignores anything we say anything about his girlfriend not wanting him like this. He has had a lot of friends come visit and his youth pastor has come visited the most. He was the starting QB on the HS football team and was being recruited by Colleges. And now its all gone. It's not all gone. You can't think that as well or else your son will think it's true. He can still achieve those goals and dreams. As a former college athlete who was on scholarship and recruited I can tell you that he can still fulfill that goal. All he needs to do is either contact the coaches at the schools that recruited him or where he wants to go, explain what he had to experience (guarantee you that at least 98% of them will sympathize and want to help or assist him) and he can play the first year as a "walk on" if all the scholarships have been given out. This is very common and there are countless stories of walk ons who end up being given full scholarships and named captain or all Americans by their senior year. If he is talented enough, then he will be able to play wherever he chooses to go and work hard enough. He can also go the route of community college for 2 years and then get recruited by a 4 year school to play from there. This happens with every program so your son can do this with no difficulty at all. Just trying to get you to realize that even though the timing of this was brutal and not ideal for his college scholarship and future goals... Those goals are still very much alive and well if he still wants them. If you want to help him by getting him the coaches info or finding out from his hs coach where he thinks your son would benefit most from going, then that will give your son the head start once he is stable and coping better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 He hasn't talked to them yet, hasn't been able to honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Mom, I just found out that my daughter's boyfriend was killed yesterday evening in a motorcycle accident. She's a mess. I am sad to say we are walking a similar walk now, you and I. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 1, 2015 Author Share Posted December 1, 2015 Mom, I just found out that my daughter's boyfriend was killed yesterday evening in a motorcycle accident. She's a mess. I am sad to say we are walking a similar walk now, you and I. I am so sorry, hun. Prayers for your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Mom, I just found out that my daughter's boyfriend was killed yesterday evening in a motorcycle accident. She's a mess. I am sad to say we are walking a similar walk now, you and I. Omg! This is horrible. I'm so sorry! Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Thank you. He was coming to see her and never showed up. She found out from fb and calling around to find him. She wants me to take her to the scene of the accident tonight. I know......but this is not real for her yet, she's in shock and I understand that going there will help her to process and absorb what has happened. This is going to be a brutal night but grieving and mourning must happen. I will be with her every step. My ex husband is being very supportive of her as well, he was with her last night. G. will be back later tonight and will be a support for me. Mom, I hope that you, family and your son are holding up. My thoughts and prayers are with you as well. I don't have to tell you......(((hug)))) Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Thank you. He was coming to see her and never showed up. She found out from fb and calling around to find him. She wants me to take her to the scene of the accident tonight. I know......but this is not real for her yet, she's in shock and I understand that going there will help her to process and absorb what has happened. This is going to be a brutal night but grieving and mourning must happen. I will be with her every step. My ex husband is being very supportive of her as well, he was with her last night. G. will be back later tonight and will be a support for me. Mom, I hope that you, family and your son are holding up. My thoughts and prayers are with you as well. I don't have to tell you......(((hug)))) Such a tragedy. I can actually understand her wanting to go to the scene. It must be very hard to accept something like this. Do you know what happened? Did someone hit his car? I hope it wasn't another drunk driver as in Mom's son's case. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 2, 2015 Author Share Posted December 2, 2015 It's tought, but be thankful she wasn't on the bike with him. I know it's selfish but I wish my son hadn't been out that night would of avoided a lot of pain. Son is still recovering from his injuries from that wreck and now all of this. They think next week he might be able to come home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 (edited) Such a tragedy. I can actually understand her wanting to go to the scene. It must be very hard to accept something like this. Do you know what happened? Did someone hit his car? I hope it wasn't another drunk driver as in Mom's son's case. He hit a car that was pulling out on the rear passenger side, probably at a high rate of speed. I saw pictures and it looked like someone just took a giant buzzsaw and went right through the back, the car was totally destroyed. I guess he would do stupid things on the bike like snap selfies while riding and weave in and out of traffic. So it was an incredible stroke of luck that she wasn't on the bike when it happened. Nobody could have survived that. Sorry to hear about your son mom. I hope he manages to find his way again. Edited December 2, 2015 by gaius Link to post Share on other sites
yodelwithyu Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 Mom22, just wanted to stop by and tell you I am still thinking of you and your family and rooting for your son. I am glad he might be able to come home next week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yodelwithyu Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 Mom, I just found out that my daughter's boyfriend was killed yesterday evening in a motorcycle accident. She's a mess. I am sad to say we are walking a similar walk now, you and I. This is so tragic that you are now going through this too. I am so sorry for you and your daughter. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys too. I hope going to the scene goes alright. I will be looking out for your updates on the situation too. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 3, 2015 Author Share Posted December 3, 2015 He is still not talking to me. I really wish he would open up to me, tell him every day he is loved. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 Mom22boys I'm sorry he's still not talking. At least he's listening when you tell him you love him. Perhaps there were things about his relationship with her that you don't know (sex?) and as a 17 year old kid can't tell his mom. He probably also thinks that some how you will blame him if he tells you the details. Everybody but him knows you would never blame him & it's NOT his fault but right now he's busy beating himself up & feeling guilty. Keep hanging on. It's going to be a long hard road. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 He is 17. 17 year olds do not usually open up to their parents, and as everyone has said, he is traumatized and does not feel like talking. Please do not pressure him. He doesn't need any more pressure. He doesn't need to feel that he's making his mom sad because he's not sharing. Right now, I know it's hard, but your role is to be the strong steady rock of the family who keeps all the plates in the air and is strong for him but not pushy. One of my roommates had just had a bad fight with her high school bf that got violent when he went and got killed in a car wreck. It took a long time for her to tell me about it decades later. It's too painful. It's easier to talk to the psychologists, someone neutral. That's all he needs now. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts