LuckyLady13 Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 I know, But I don't know what i am going to do honestly. Go see what his doctors think tomorrow, And see what they want to do. Mom22Boys, first of all, my sympathies to your son. He's in such a place of anguish right now and we all wish that wasn't the case. I've been through traumatic events myself so I want to try to give you insight into your sons feelings and why he's responding the way he is. I'm not a professional but I've seen a few and I'm just a fellow human that knows what it's like. You said the family wants to see you? What they want takes a back seat right now. Your son is beyond hurting and the worst part? His fellow students have no comprehension of the loss he's experiencing, coupled with the PTSD and survivors guilt. This doesn't happen to everyone. Everyone loses grandparents and parents and pets but not everyone is hit by a drunk driver at a young age and loses their girlfriend. Part of his anger is from being surrounded by his own peers who are happy, full of life and talking about stupid things like clothes and music, while he's alone in anguish. His school isn't being lazy. They are doing the right thing. And they have psychiatrists and psychologists to consult for advice. None of his fellow students understand him and may act sympathetic but can't fully grasp his pain and he knows it. He will lash out in anger and pain. Back in the 80's, Suicidal Tendencies (the band) did a song and a line from it stands out to me about your son right now. "I'm alone in a room full of people". One horrible thing that happens after trauma and loss like this is the victim feels extremely overwhelmed by simple things in life. When one of my friends was murdered by her boyfriend, and I had to testify against her murderer because I knew him well and could prove premeditation, I had to keep reliving her murder. I started drinking hard liquor heavily, like your son, and any time I was in a room full of people, their voices just sounded like this insane, nonsensical chatter permeating my ears like nails scraping a chalkboard. I didn't care what stupid things they were discussing like mortgages and car insurance and was so full of anger and rage at some points I felt like getting quite violent toward them to "shut them up". Every time they joked and laughed about something, I felt absolutely disrespected! How dare these people just ignore someone right in front of them in this much pain as if it doesn't even matter at all? Do these people not feel anything for another human being? I had survivors guilt, like your son. If only I realized my friend was going to this mans house to retrieve her things after she broke up with him, I could've and would've stopped her. The guilt was eating me alive from the inside. And I kept seeing in my mind the shallow grave he threw her body into over and over. I had nightmares. The alcohol wasn't near enough to stop all those images in my head. It couldn't drown out the guilt I felt for not knowing. I was getting blackout drunk, like your son. The only time I was at peace was when I was out cold on the floor after a hard liquor binge. I had only a few hours peace at a time. Your son being around a lot of people, for quite a while, will feel so overwhelming and their voices will sound like smoke alarms going off or sirens or some other loud, horrible, irritating noise. He is much better off around people but smaller numbers and most importantly, people who he trusts to care about him. He can't be isolated though. Please, don't let that happen. Home schooling him yourself is a bad idea but hiring at least one tutor, preferably 2, would at least bring people into his life in a consistent manner that he can count on week after week. He also needs to remain in contact with any good friends he has as much as possible. He'll want to isolate himself and wall off the world. He's only going to accept people he trusts in his life. Not just anybody. If he starts isolating, try to get in touch with at least one close, good friend of his and invite that person over. Not a large group of people. Your son is going through trauma feeling very alone. The only people he may want to speak to are people who went through exactly what he's gone through but I don't think he's ready for that just yet. I think it's too soon. You said you didn't want your son numb but that was before he wanted to slit his wrists, if I'm not mistaken. You may have changed your mind since then. As long as it's under professional supervision (a psychiatrist), it may be for the best right now. Just until he can have the time he needs (a few months) to deal with what happened one baby step at a time, in pieces and chunks rather than all at once. I really feel for your son. I know where he is mentally and emotionally right now. It's one of the darkest times of my life I can now look back at, over 10 years later and be okay with it. But, it's something I can never ever forget. It became a large part of shaping who I am today. Please, offer to your son what you can. Keep people he trusts around him. He may not want them at times but he needs them. I wish you well, mom22boys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 18, 2015 Author Share Posted November 18, 2015 I don't want him numbed down on meds but after this there isn't much choice. Doctors are going to see how he does the rest of the week before they decide if he should release him to me for the holidays. Starting him on a couple meds. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 I don't want him numbed down on meds but after this there isn't much choice. Doctors are going to see how he does the rest of the week before they decide if he should release him to me for the holidays. Starting him on a couple meds. I agree. I'm not big on drugs but in this case they're necessary. Of course you're going to do whatever it takes to keep your son alive and to get him through this. I really do think all of you should keep the holidays low-key this year. Let your son know that you're all mourning with him. The holidays are really tough when you've lost someone you love. Your son is in real pain, and it's understandable. I think that's the key here. He's not being a stubborn teen, he's not being a rebel. He's just completely heart broken and has no clue about how to get past it. Blessings to you and your family. Please keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 I have honestly never felt so lost when it comes to my kids as I do right now. Just don't know how or why things go so much better for a little bit only to get so much worse. And we are having trouble explaining this all to my youngest. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I have honestly never felt so lost when it comes to my kids as I do right now. Just don't know how or why things go so much better for a little bit only to get so much worse. And we are having trouble explaining this all to my youngest. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. As far as your younger son, it's probably best to just keep it simple. He doesn't need a detailed explanation but he does need to know the truth. "Someone very dear to your brother died and he is very, very sad about it. The best we can do is to be there for him and show him that we love him." Something like that. Children are very intuitive. He understands more than you might think he does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 He gets transferred tomorrow, He hasn't talked to me when I go see him so far. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 He gets transferred tomorrow, He hasn't talked to me when I go see him so far. I'm assuming he's conscious? Do you think he's not talking because he's ashamed of what he did? Or perhaps angry that he didn't succeed? Such a difficult situation. I hope they can help him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 Yes he has been awake, I don't know But Doctors found cuts all over his abs and downward. And they are fresh so He has been self-harming. He was also transferred today and His Doctors think they may be able to release him for Texas if I can keep an eye on him all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 He gets transferred tomorrow, He hasn't talked to me when I go see him so far. This is going to sound a bit off, but if he's angry at you that may be a sign of healing. Anger is a more productive emotion then grief. This is not going to be a simple fix. You may need some counseling / support of your own to help him. His profound grief & survivor's guilt is understandable. I can't imagine how horrible it must be to deal with all of that on top of general teen angst. I do have faith that with the help of his doctors will be able to love him through this. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I agree with Donnivain. Google the stages of grief and be ready for him to cycle through those changes. And anger is one of them. And it won't be confined to the situation at hand. It's very important you do whatever meds the doctors advise and not adjust or interfere with that in any way. Different meds take different amounts of time to work well and there can be some changes for sometimes periods of say 2 months while they accumulate in the system. Many side-effects can diminish rather than increase with time, BUT all changes should be reported to your doctor before you do anything. Don't ever amend the dosage on your own. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 The fact that he's still harming himself is very worrisome. I'm really surprised they're talking about releasing him so soon. I know you already know it but he's going to have to be watched very closely. Perhaps you can shake him back into some semblance of reality by letting him know that if he did kill himself, then he must know that you, his dad, and his brother would be hurting the same as he's hurting now; and beg him not to do it. I know it sounds like an obvious thing to say but he needs to hear you say it, if he hasn't already. Personally, I don't think he's suffering from survivor's guilt. I think he's suffering from being completely horrified that life can change so quickly, so horribly, and he never saw it coming. I think he misses the girl very badly and just can't see how he's going to ever feel better. Right now, he probably feels that he doesn't want to continue on without her. He needs his family so much right now. Just be there for him. Not always talking or asking questions, but just be there. I prayed for you, your son, and the girl's family today. I prayed that somehow your son would find peace in some way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 I doubt they are going to release him not enough time to stabilize him on meds. He watched his girlfriend die in front of him, I don't think he will ever truly heal from this. But I want my son back, I can't lose him. Losing this young girl is plenty loss. I really hope he opens up to me some day, This drunk driver stripped what was supposed to be the happiest time/years of my Sons life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dragon_fly_7 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Indeed it is a heartbreaking story. My condolences and I hope your son gets better. I wouldn't recommend that they release him from the facility too early after what happened. I would probably also be so depressed for a long while if I were to see a loved one dying in front of me like your son had to witness. When is the drunk driver going to be sentenced? It's sad someone reckless like him ruined what should have been one of the happiest moments in your son's life. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I doubt they are going to release him not enough time to stabilize him on meds. He watched his girlfriend die in front of him, I don't think he will ever truly heal from this. But I want my son back, I can't lose him. Losing this young girl is plenty loss. I really hope he opens up to me some day, This drunk driver stripped what was supposed to be the happiest time/years of my Sons life. I completely understand. This could've happened to any one of us, to any one of our children. It is completely horrible what happened and what your son has had to experience at such a young age. As you say, this is supposed to be the happiest time of his life and that has been stolen from him. You're right that he is forever changed by this. But how he chooses to handle it is up to him. Lots of people who have been through this kind of thing end up being counsellors to others who have been traumatized. Even if your son doesn't do that, he can end up making a pathway that could lead to further healing. You never know what he'll end up doing. For now, he just has to get through the worst of it. And, as dragonfly mentioned, this is not something that he's going to get past anytime soon. I know that hurts you to your core. I know you want to take away his pain. I hope the drunk driver spends a lot of time locked away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 They are wanting my son to testify when his trial starts next month but I am not sure he is going to be able to handle that. They started him on Xanax and Zoloft. Hoping he will talk to me later today when I go visit. Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I am so sorry for what you are all going through. I have no advice other than just be there for him. I wish you a brighter future. Please keep us all updated. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 They are wanting my son to testify when his trial starts next month but I am not sure he is going to be able to handle that. They started him on Xanax and Zoloft. Hoping he will talk to me later today when I go visit. Dispel your negative thoughts. A LOT of victims get closure by helping to bring about justice. Assuming his doctors say it's OK, encourage him to be the voice who can speak for his late GF. If he doesn't testify & the drunk killer goes free, that guilt will weigh on him too. This is going to be a long, slow process that is 1 step forward 2 steps back. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Testifying would likely be cathartic for him. I know this is all overwhelming, but please do not influence your son with your fears about medication because he needs to have faith in these things. All it takes is a whiff of distrust in them and he will not want to take them -- and he needs them badly right now. So please set your own set of fears aside to clear the path for him and give him confidence during this dark time. Link to post Share on other sites
schiller Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Testifying would likely be cathartic for him. You don't know that, you can't know that. It's like saying a rape or abuse victim will benefit from testifying against her abuser. Sometimes it makes things worse because it forces them to relive the trauma all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 I honestly don't think him testifying will help. But it is his choice, And IF he thinks he can do it and it will make him feel better I will let him. He still isn't talking to me, But he opened up to a therapist and said he is having nightmares and reliving it over and over again. Link to post Share on other sites
yodelwithyu Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Mom22, I just wanted to wish you love and strength. I am so sorry for all the losses your son and your family have endured. I wanted to tell you that it is natural that you don't know what your son is thinking or feeling because it is likely he is not even sure what he is feeling or going through at the moment. Sometimes coming out of a trauma can feel like you are covered in a thick black shroud, within which you cannot breathe and cannot see. There is no difference between day and night, reality or fantasy. At least that is how it was for me for a long time. I just wanted to be numb and sleep. I am thinking of you and your family, and will check back for updates. Xoxo Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 I can't sleep thinking about my son and what he is going through. Supposed to Fly out Sunday but I that isn't happening, Talked my husband into taking my youngest son and going and enjoying Thanksgiving, In Houston with all the family. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 It might help you sleep if you keep in mind you won't be at your best to help your son if you are sleep deprived. You need sleep. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I can't sleep thinking about my son and what he is going through. Supposed to Fly out Sunday but I that isn't happening, Talked my husband into taking my youngest son and going and enjoying Thanksgiving, In Houston with all the family. I'm so sorry. I think it might be better if all of you stayed together during this time but it'll be good that you'll be there with him. Will you be seeing your son today? Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 Mom22boys--Again--I am so sorry. This is a terrible time for your son and family. Perhaps you should talk with your own Doctor for some sleep aids to help you get the rest you need during this horrific time in your son and families life. It is good you are staying with him thru the Thanksgiving time. He is suffering so badly. Knowing you are there will comfort him, even if you don't see that from him. As I mentioned we have recently lost our own family member in a similar way. God Bless you all. Take Care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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