bluefeather Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to your boy. I can only suggest professional help as others have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 15, 2015 Author Share Posted November 15, 2015 He hasn't drank since they came over, And today told me he is willing to give therapy a go. I asked him if he has any thoughts of harming himself to let His dad or I know, But his response wasn't very reassuring. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Progress is progress. He's not drinking. He's agreed to therapy. Yeah! When you started this thread, you didn't even have that. Watch him like a hawk but don't be too concerned that he response wasn't too reassuring. He is just a kid. His emotions are all mixed up (I'm not telling you anything you don't know) but he may also be having difficulty processing his feelings about self harm & not be able to verbalize things. The therapy will help Just love him through this. It's all you can do. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Since the school's response sucked, is keeping him home for the rest of this term through the holidays a possibility? Get him a tutor so he doesn't fall behind but then work with the therapist to get him back in January? Also recognize that this 1st set of holidays is going to suck. He's going to rage at the idea of Happy Thanksgiving because he won't feel thankful for anything. I couldn't even put up a Christmas tree the year my father died. All I wanted to do was sit in the dark & any mention of joy or Christmas miracles made me more sad. Don't push him. Let him experience the grief & the pain, as much as you want to lessen his suffering, he's got to get through it completely but don't let it consume him or destroy him either. You will be walking a delicate balance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 15, 2015 Author Share Posted November 15, 2015 Progress is progress. He's not drinking. He's agreed to therapy. Yeah! When you started this thread, you didn't even have that. Watch him like a hawk but don't be too concerned that he response wasn't too reassuring. He is just a kid. His emotions are all mixed up (I'm not telling you anything you don't know) but he may also be having difficulty processing his feelings about self harm & not be able to verbalize things. The therapy will help Just love him through this. It's all you can do. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Since the school's response sucked, is keeping him home for the rest of this term through the holidays a possibility? Get him a tutor so he doesn't fall behind but then work with the therapist to get him back in January? Also recognize that this 1st set of holidays is going to suck. He's going to rage at the idea of Happy Thanksgiving because he won't feel thankful for anything. I couldn't even put up a Christmas tree the year my father died. All I wanted to do was sit in the dark & any mention of joy or Christmas miracles made me more sad. Don't push him. Let him experience the grief & the pain, as much as you want to lessen his suffering, he's got to get through it completely but don't let it consume him or destroy him either. You will be walking a delicate balance. Probably just going to pull him from school, They don't want to help him so no point in sending him. Since I work from home I might just home school or try and get a Tudor like you suggested. I am honestly very worried he will turn to self harm but he hasn't done it yet or given any indication he would. We are supposed to fly out this weekend and Spend thanksgiving weekend with Family in Texas. I honestly wish he didn't have to go through any of this and there was a way I could take it all away from him. I honestly Didn't know how much he truly loved this girl until now. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Mom22boys I genuinely think you are doing everything possible. Other than pray which I am doing, I wish wholeheartedly that there was something more concrete I could do for you but I do think you are doing everything possible. My EX committed suicide so it's an issue I know something about. As despondent as your son is --- & to some extent rightly so because losing a contemporary at his age is beyond devastating -- you seem to be doing everything right. Let him grieve. He needs to be sad, upset, angry. . . .whatever emotion he feels is OK. Self harm is not OK but you seem to be OK with giving him a safe space to grieve & that is an amazing gift. I'll even go so far as to say if he wants to get drunk with you or at least around you. . . .so you can make sure he doesn't get alcohol poisoning or die in another car wreck on the way home, once or twice, that level of supervised self medication . . . .while certainly not ideal given his age is way better than many of the alternatives. If he was my heartbroken child I'd rather he have a few beers on my couch then in the woods somewhere. Make sure whoever is in TX understands what happened & if he wants to cry, sulk, be angry . . . whatever he needs as long as he's got eyes on him & is safe . . .in the short run that may be the best you can do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 Mom22boys I genuinely think you are doing everything possible. Other than pray which I am doing, I wish wholeheartedly that there was something more concrete I could do for you but I do think you are doing everything possible. My EX committed suicide so it's an issue I know something about. As despondent as your son is --- & to some extent rightly so because losing a contemporary at his age is beyond devastating -- you seem to be doing everything right. Let him grieve. He needs to be sad, upset, angry. . . .whatever emotion he feels is OK. Self harm is not OK but you seem to be OK with giving him a safe space to grieve & that is an amazing gift. I'll even go so far as to say if he wants to get drunk with you or at least around you. . . .so you can make sure he doesn't get alcohol poisoning or die in another car wreck on the way home, once or twice, that level of supervised self medication . . . .while certainly not ideal given his age is way better than many of the alternatives. If he was my heartbroken child I'd rather he have a few beers on my couch then in the woods somewhere. Make sure whoever is in TX understands what happened & if he wants to cry, sulk, be angry . . . whatever he needs as long as he's got eyes on him & is safe . . .in the short run that may be the best you can do. I don't want him going back to drinking, I don't want him turning into an alcoholic if I can help it. He wasn't drinking beer though he was drinking very very heavy stuff. He would get blackout drunk. Told family members about what has happened, So i hope everyone gives him a wide birth. I wish he would realize how very lucky he is. He was given a second chance at life he very nearly died on the operating table after he was air lifted there from the wreck. I am so sorry to hear about your Ex, I am so terrified My son is going to do the same thing. My husband found out from his best friend that my son was also sleeping around a lot whenever he would go drinking. And the state wants My son to testify against this man as explain what he lost and everything. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I honestly think that your son's reaction to this tragedy is very normal. It is so sad, it's even hard for me to read about it. Even an adult would have a hard time dealing with something like this. While I agree that counseling is a great idea, I would be very careful about getting him on drugs that will numb him out. Dr's are notorious for this and I would approach that with caution. If something like this happened to my son, I would feel the same as you - that I'd just want to take the pain away. But you're not going to be able to do that. The best you can do is be there for him, cry with him, be silent with him, and don't ask him to pretend when he feels like falling apart. You might even want to reconsider how you do the holidays this year because this is all too fresh and the holidays are going to hit him like a ton of bricks. Maybe they should be more low-key this year. I don't know but talking to an expert may help you make that decision. Home schooling may be good for now but I think he should go back in January. Those are just my thoughts. I'm just so sorry that you're going through this, that he is, and the girl's family. It is a true tragedy but your son can get through it. That's the part that he can't see yet. Love and prayers to all of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 Thank you, Christmas will be really low key but We can't leave him alone for Thanksgiving. I have no intentions of trying to get him onto meds that will numb him completely. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 (edited) Thank you, Christmas will be really low key but We can't leave him alone for Thanksgiving. I have no intentions of trying to get him onto meds that will numb him completely. Sounds good! And btw, I wasn't implying that you leave him alone at any point. I meant that the holidays be low-key for all of you. I doubt that any of you are going to be able to really celebrate under the circumstances anyway. But I'm not implying doom and gloom, either. It's going to be somewhat tricky. Your situation kind of reminds me of the movie Ordinary People. The family tries to deal with a tragedy in a very dysfunctional manner. Not to say that I think there's anything dysfunctional about you and your family - it seems you're doing all the right things. But the movie is interesting because the son is the survivor of an accident and has to deal with parents who try to pretend and it only makes things worse. The movie is very powerful. I think you being honest and letting your son be honest will be a huge help. Edited November 16, 2015 by bathtub-row Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 Tonight Was a bad night, Son tried to slit his wrists. So now we are unsure what we are going to do He is at the hospital for the night and they are going to hold him for 72 hours and then probably transfer him to a mental health facility. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Omg! Sweetie. I'm SO sorry! There are no words. There are just no words. All of you are in my thoughts are prayers. Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingFireworks Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Going from your posts, you appear remarkably level headed considering all you have had to go through. I really commend that. Apologies for your sons recent scrape with self harm. Reading back on your posts (the nightmares, the anxious depression, etc), it sounds a lot like he's suffering from PTSD as well as grieving the loss of his GF. I'm not a psychiatrist (they will do their own assessment I'm sure), but personally this is what quickly springs to mind. I am glad to hear that he will likely be transferred to the mental health facility if only for the reason that he will be in touch with the right professionals and fully assessed. Additionally, they are in a position to observe him. It will also offer you a little respite which may actually be a good thing. You and your husband sound like parents to be envious of, your son is lucky to have you working together. Just be prepared that his management plan may be a long term process. Really wish you and your family the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 As a parent, what you are going through is beyond, I am so sorry. I am a forensic psych. That means nothing, I don't do therapy. Your son needs to be in psych evaluation because his body has suffered tremendous duress. As you know, his emotional state is fragile. The parents of your son's girlfriend.....are in shock. All of you are in shock. Your son does need to be in immediate medical supervision. Show him how to grieve. Truth, be with him and show him how to grieve. Be still with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 He's undergone a traumatic event and is depressed and may even have residual trauma problems. A close younger friend of mine's best friend died in a motorcycle wreck when they were 14, and it derailed my friend completely at that early age. She became a teenage alcoholic, trying to anesthetize the pain. She didn't clean up until she was about 30 but has now been sober, with the help of AA, for 25 years. This was a defining event for her which also really messed up the sister of the deceased girl who has an advanced degree but too many emotional problems to function well still. I tell you this because it is very important you make your son get counseling. Talk to psychologists first about grief counseling and then follow-up care to keep him from downward spiraling. You will have to be strong and not let him tell you what to do now. Just be clear you are an adult and want to get him help (don't say it's because of alcohol -- that's a symptom of the depression) to process this traumatic event, someone nonjudgmental he can talk to. Don't take no for an answer. Good luck. Do what you need to do. He isn't mature enough to make these decisions. Especially now that he is weak with depression, he needs someone loving to gently but firmly take over and make his decisions for him. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 Oh mom22boys. You poor thing. Fortunately, you found your son & got him help. He is in real pain but if he's in the hospital, that is the best place for him. If he's not, have him committed immediately. Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 18, 2015 Author Share Posted November 18, 2015 Don't know how it went from him agreeing not to drink and see a therapist to this. Just a total loss for words, And I don't know what I am going to do with leaving this weekend. Thinking of just sending husband and my other son to Texas and I will stay home. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 sounds like clinical depression brought on by the horrid events he went thru Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 Will he not be out of the hospital yet? You certainly can't leave him. What do his doctors think? Will a change of scenery help? Can you keep an eye on him in TX? What does the rest of the family want? TX will be there next year if need be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 18, 2015 Author Share Posted November 18, 2015 He Will be transferred to a mental health facility tomorrow, So I doubt he will be out in Time to Fly to Texas. I can't leave my Son alone at this place while we are out of town enjoying the holidays. I talked to a psychiatrist today and he Said a change of scenery might help but that I would basically have to watch him 24/7. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 18, 2015 Author Share Posted November 18, 2015 Rest of the Family still wants us to come out. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 He Will be transferred to a mental health facility tomorrow, that's probably a good idea Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 You have to do what you think is best with input from the professionals. If (& that is a big if) the doctors are willing to release him to go to TX I might take him there & watch him like a hawk if he wants that. He may not want to see the whole extended family. You know these people & have a better since of whether solitude or a big family get together will help. I would try to make sure he gets something other than hospital food on Thanksgiving. What does your husband & other son have to say? I agree with you that if he's home, you are home. You can't go away & leave him all by himself over the 1st holiday after his loss. That would make things worse. It's more a matter of how safe for him would it be to travel? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 18, 2015 Author Share Posted November 18, 2015 I don't know if he would want to be around a lot of family with stitches and bandages wrapping his wrists. Family would probably help but a lot of things that i thought might help haven't. My other son is 4 so he isn't understanding a lot that is going on. Husband wants to stay with me or If i can get him released to go. But no reason for everyone to stay if he is going to be in the mental health place. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 Sure there is. If you are going to support your eldest son, your husband will want to be there to support you. He probably doesn't want to be apart from you two on the holiday. The 4 year old just wants to be with everybody. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted November 18, 2015 Author Share Posted November 18, 2015 Sure there is. If you are going to support your eldest son, your husband will want to be there to support you. He probably doesn't want to be apart from you two on the holiday. The 4 year old just wants to be with everybody. I know, But I don't know what i am going to do honestly. Go see what his doctors think tomorrow, And see what they want to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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