Am I playing too hard to get?

[jam.over.jelly]

You're right. I should not reserve my day for anybody. But what if I truly don't have plans then? Should I just go ahead and accept his date even if he asks me only one day in advance?

[katiegrl]

Well you know what I would say: don't do that!!! What I bolded above. Best way to teach him that he has to be a better planner is to be real busy, not fake busy and playing games with texts and phone calls back. Reserving a day for him equates to over investing and you may end up disappointed or in something unbalanced.

 

About the Rodeo you should have just asked him out for a specific saturday since it was your suggestion that's how I would view it. But now that you are showing us how it was worded, the ball is really in his court. IMO, if you try to ask him for this Saturday to the rodeo is will looking like you are chasing him since you told him to "pick a Saturday" and he hasn't done so (yet).

 

I agree it's nice to know plans in advance but he just might not be that guy. If you DO make plans in advance and he hasn't asked by the time you would be agreeing to other plans, you just have to move forward with your other options. Better to do that and if he asks you later this week you can nicely tell him you have plans and what they are. Rather than save a day for him and constantly be disappoint and jump when he's ready to get around to it. You will be creating a bad relationship pattern if you do that.

 

 

Completely agree.... and if you DO have plans and have to say no, be sure to offer an alternative date(s) you ARE available. So he does not think YOU have lost interest.

 

 

You just need to be asked out EARLIER, that's all.

 

 

He'll get it eventually.

 

 

Sometimes you really do need to teach people how to treat you....

[jam.over.jelly]

My ex was just like this he never wanted to plan anything way ahead of time, and when I wanted to let him know if he wanted to spend time with me he better start booking me at least 2 days in advance. I actually went 2 weeks with my weekends completely filled with plans other than him, but he still couldn't plan ahead, and we ended up not spending our usual Fridays together. I'd hang out with my friends and he'd be home sleeping or out with his buddies. I even told him specifically how I wanted him to plan ahead, and he said he just couldn't. He said he didn't see anything wrong with asking me one day in advance, and that if he asked me and i already had planned, don't feel bad for not being able to see him, and also don't change my plans for him, he totally understands. Like wth, the whole purpose of me planning things that didn't involve him was my way of telling him he should have planned ahead. But he never did, and that was one of the reasons why we broke up.

[Versacehottie]

You're right. I should not reserve my day for anybody. But what if I truly don't have plans then? Should I just go ahead and accept his date even if he asks me only one day in advance?

 

Well, you like to do things on the weekend right? I would make plans. If your ideal life is a filled with plans weekend. You should do that. Be proactive in this area of life FOR YOURSELF. So if I was in your shoes, and you are hoping to go out and would feel worse sitting at home doing nothing, make your own plans since he has not come through with an offer. That way you will have a life with no regrets. If he gets in touch offer to fit him in for a drink or something for an hour before or after your plans. That's what I would do.

 

As far as if you don't make plans, or let's say you make plans with just yourself to watch a movie at home or do a facial or something--something you might drop if a good offer came up. Not just his, any good offer. I would evaluate his offer at that time and if it fits, do it. But I would be really careful of doing this because you are setting up a scenario where ultimately you won't be happy. Because accepting like this teaches people they can offer at last minute to you and that's what suits them so they will continue to do that. This is where the desperation that I spoke of earlier in the thread is important not to ignore. You have an internal conflict. You want to know plans and be asked in advance. You also want to see him so much you are willing to accept behavior that doesn't support that. If you do, you'll likely be on a slippery slope, like with your ex. Where as you feel more comfortable in the relationship, your guy doing this will really bother you but you won't be able to do much about it by then because it will be an established pattern. It's really hard this. If you feel that strongly about it and the guy can't get it together than you just might not be compatible. I think you might be compatible but he's not as invested yet (ie where it's presumed you will be going on a date every weekend) or dating others. You are just not quite as high a priority for him yet. Doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or that it won't progress to that but his priorities show in his scheduling. You'd be wise to pay attention to that and scale back your investment.

 

Personally, I don't mind when people ask for spontaneous plans. But guess what it gets you, last minute invites not well planned invites. Because dating is different than friends or social, due to how you invest in it, I think it's best to leave the last minute invites you accept to friends and social not bf material or dates for your preferences. So if I were you, the only option I would consider is making your own plans as I described in my first paragraph. Maybe katie has some other smart ideas? This is best I've got. It's not the easiest situation. Happens all the time.

[jam.over.jelly]

Well, you like to do things on the weekend right? I would make plans. If your ideal life is a filled with plans weekend. You should do that. Be proactive in this area of life FOR YOURSELF. So if I was in your shoes, and you are hoping to go out and would feel worse sitting at home doing nothing, make your own plans since he has not come through with an offer. That way you will have a life with no regrets. If he gets in touch offer to fit him in for a drink or something for an hour before or after your plans. That's what I would do.

 

As far as if you don't make plans, or let's say you make plans with just yourself to watch a movie at home or do a facial or something--something you might drop if a good offer came up. Not just his, any good offer. I would evaluate his offer at that time and if it fits, do it. But I would be really careful of doing this because you are setting up a scenario where ultimately you won't be happy. Because accepting like this teaches people they can offer at last minute to you and that's what suits them so they will continue to do that. This is where the desperation that I spoke of earlier in the thread is important not to ignore. You have an internal conflict. You want to know plans and be asked in advance. You also want to see him so much you are willing to accept behavior that doesn't support that. If you do, you'll likely be on a slippery slope, like with your ex. Where as you feel more comfortable in the relationship, your guy doing this will really bother you but you won't be able to do much about it by then because it will be an established pattern. It's really hard this. If you feel that strongly about it and the guy can't get it together than you just might not be compatible. I think you might be compatible but he's not as invested yet (ie where it's presumed you will be going on a date every weekend) or dating others. You are just not quite as high a priority for him yet. Doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or that it won't progress to that but his priorities show in his scheduling. You'd be wise to pay attention to that and scale back your investment.

 

Personally, I don't mind when people ask for spontaneous plans. But guess what it gets you, last minute invites not well planned invites. Because dating is different than friends or social, due to how you invest in it, I think it's best to leave the last minute invites you accept to friends and social not bf material or dates for your preferences. So if I were you, the only option I would consider is making your own plans as I described in my first paragraph. Maybe katie has some other smart ideas? This is best I've got. It's not the easiest situation. Happens all the time.

 

This advice is golden. Thank you so much! I guess I would prefer him to ask me out at least 2 days in advance, like he did last week. But only one day in advanced makes me feel like I'm not that important. He never asked me last minute though, like if I wanted to meet him in like 2 hours or something, never like that, but I guess I have certain standards that I would like to be met.Next time I will tell him that I would like to be given at least 2 days notice.

[jam.over.jelly]

Also, when do you think is ok for me to start asking him to hang instead of waiting for him to ask all the time? 5th date? 6th date? Or at least til exclusive (IF, a big if, we ever get to that point)

[travelbug1996]

Also, when do you think is ok for me to start asking him to hang instead of waiting for him to ask all the time? 5th date? 6th date? Or at least til exclusive (IF, a big if, we ever get to that point)

 

 

Please don't do this anytime soon. You are way too invested. I think you should start making more plans with your own friends on the weekends and dating other guys.

 

You are caught up honey and that ain't good.

[Buddhist]

Why play high school games when you aren't in high school? I have never understood when either sex pulls this stuff. If you want to spend time with them, let them know. If you want punish them then you shouldn't be dating until the maturity level raises a couple notches.

 

TBH, the OP sounded really passive aggressive, well I'll show you. Yeah okay, show him what? That's you're a waste of his time, awesome. Adults should be adults. If you want more notice tell him you want more notice, don't blow him off with....well okay have fun then! Like an 8yr old and expect him to psychically divine what your problem is.

[jam.over.jelly]

TBH, the OP sounded really passive aggressive, well I'll show you. Yeah okay, show him what? That's you're a waste of his time, awesome. Adults should be adults. If you want more notice tell him you want more notice, don't blow him off with....well okay have fun then! Like an 8yr old and expect him to psychically divine what your problem is.

 

Did you not read what I posted earlier? I said ive had enough and will tell him i need more advanced notice next time i see him

[katiegrl]

Did you not read what I posted earlier? I said ive had enough and will tell him i need more advanced notice next time i see him

 

jams, sounds good but what's up with "I've had enough" ?

 

It sounds like you are pissed off.

 

I know you're only venting to us about that and don't intend to say that to him, but still.

 

No need to be pissed off. If you even are, that's just an assumption on my part given your "I've had enough" comment.

 

Truth is, you don't even know for sure if he's NOT giving you advance notice. He may not be planning to ask you out at all this weekend... HE may have other plans.

 

He may want to ask you out for *next* weekend, and may very well ask you on Monday or Tuesday (or sooner) to get together next weekend.

 

Last week he asked you on Monday to get together on either Saturday or Sunday, that's plenty of advance notice, and he may do the same thing again.

 

Or maybe you are a little pissed off (or hurt) because he may not want to get together this weekend at all? And you had a different expectation?

[jam.over.jelly]

I might need to word myself more carefully. No I certainly am not pissed off. I'm rather calm and not as much concerned whether or not he will ask me out this week. Don't know why i said i have had enough, totally exaggerating. Sorry for the confusion. I will let you know if he ends up asking me out or not. We'll see.

This weekend I have 2 dates scheduled with two new guys, well, one new and the other one, I have hung out with in the past, but the timing was off since I moved away for a while so we stopped talking. I remember having an amazing connection with this guy, and found him very attractive as well. Actually kinda had butterflies when he reached out to me earlier this week. So I'm excited to see him again.

[katiegrl]

I might need to word myself more carefully. No I certainly am not pissed off. I'm rather calm and not as much concerned whether or not he will ask me out this week. Don't know why i said i have had enough, totally exaggerating. Sorry for the confusion. I will let you know if he ends up asking me out or not. We'll see.

This weekend I have 2 dates scheduled with two new guys, well, one new and the other one, I have hung out with in the past, but the timing was off since I moved away for a while so we stopped talking. I remember having an amazing connection with this guy, and found him very attractive as well. Actually kinda had butterflies when he reached out to me earlier this week. So I'm excited to see him again.

 

So yesterday you were concerned (enough to post about it), but today you are not .... and have made two dates for the weekend with two new guys, one with whom you feel butterflies?

 

Yeah, I'm a little confused.... but you gotta do what you need to do I guess.

 

Have fun this weekend ...keep us posted!

Edited September 10, 2015 by katiegrl

[Versacehottie]

I agree with katie. You did seem pissed with that statement. To me, he hasn't done anything wrong; you haven't done anything wrong. Your expectations just aren't in line. If you had planned those two dates before you sounded pissed, you would just be moving on with your life. No reason to be mad. Just take it for what it is with this guy. In enough time you will see if he's not just disappointing because you are expecting too much or if he is JUST DISAPPOINTING@! Right now I think he's disappointing because you are expecting too much. In less than a day you've turned it around and found a way to protect yourself from wasting time and sitting there waiting for this guy. Put yourself first and you did. Good on you!. One guy is even exciting so you never know what could happen.

 

My rec don't do anything official or serious about telling him you need two days notice. When he asks next time and you already have plans, say sweetly, gosh I wish you had asked earlier I already have plans, I tend to get pretty booked up toward the beginning of the week said with a smile. That will go a longer way, IMO than trying to do anything that sounds scolding or laying down ground rules. Ugh. don't want to do that. The tone has to be: ooops sorry you missed out. Like I said before, find a way to squeeze him in if you can for an hour or so alternatively. That way you are sending a message, without planning you may miss opportunity to see me or it will be limited.

[jam.over.jelly]

@Versacehottie: You're a genious! I will listen to you, very good advice there.

@katie: I guess I get a bit distracted with this guy I used to hang out with. He texted me out of the blue Monday and we've been talking everyday since. Conversations never got boring. It's like we picked up right where we left off. I didn't think about reaching out to him when I moved back because I was the one who said it wasn't gonna work out with long distance. I remember everything about him vividly like it was yesterday. He's one of the few guys I have sparks and a strong connection with, just like this one I'm talking to.

[lino]

TBH, the OP sounded really passive aggressive, well I'll show you. Yeah okay, show him what? That's you're a waste of his time, awesome. Adults should be adults. If you want more notice tell him you want more notice, don't blow him off with....well okay have fun then! Like an 8yr old and expect him to psychically divine what your problem is.

 

This attitude is exactly why dating is the mess we have now.

[jam.over.jelly]

So guess what, I gave in and asked him if he wanted to check out the rodeo show tomorrow (Saturday) as we have talked about. He texted me back saying that he'd love to, and asked me what time he should pick me up. Hmmmm. I'm happy that I get to see him tomorrow, but at the same time, I couldn't help but wonder...what if I never asked, I never would have known whether or not he was gonna ask me out again . I think I screwed up.

[katiegrl]

So guess what, I gave in and asked him if he wanted to check out the rodeo show tomorrow (Saturday) as we have talked about. He texted me back saying that he'd love to, and asked me what time he should pick me up. Hmmmm. I'm happy that I get to see him tomorrow, but at the same time, I couldn't help but wonder...what if I never asked, I never would have known whether or not he was gonna ask me out again . I think I screwed up.

 

Why so negative? He initiated the first three dates and you initiated the fourth....so what exactly did you screw up?

 

It's not like he turned you down, he said he'd love to go and you have a date today....I see that as a positive!

 

And just wondering....when did you ask him .... and how many day's notice did you give him?

 

Since you posted about this yesterday, did you ask him yesterday for today? One day in advance?

 

If so, oh the irony. :)

 

Anyway, enjoy!!! And stay positive, it's all good!

 

.

[jam.over.jelly]

Haha Katie u cracked me up just now. Indeed I did ask him only one day in advance. Ugh how ironic of me!!! I guess it is a positive thing like u said. I was just overthinking it without realizing I need to just have fun and enjoy spending time with him and get to know him. Thanks Katie for making me feel better.

Anyhow I went on a date with a different guy last night (not the one I used to hang out with and had butterflies), again zero attraction there .

[jam.over.jelly]

So this stupid weather is driving me crazy. It looks like and is forecasted that it will rain today. Looks like we're not going to the rodeo after all. He texted me saying that the weather didn't look too good, and asked if this rodeo thing was outside. I texted back "Yes, unfortunately. Do you still want to come up and do something else in case it does rain?". Haven't gotten a reply from him, been 2 hours. I'm not too concerned that he wont respond. He has always responded to my text messages. He's one of those people that sometimes can take hours to respond, and I'm used to that, as I am the same way. But I dont know why I just have this uneasy feeling about him, like every single time even when we have a date and time set up,and we talk daily, I won't know for sure until I see him right in front of me. Ugh, I just need to vent.

[katiegrl]

So this stupid weather is driving me crazy. It looks like and is forecasted that it will rain today. Looks like we're not going to the rodeo after all.

 

-----

 

***He texted me saying that the weather didn't look too good, and asked if this rodeo thing was outside. I texted back "Yes, unfortunately. Do you still want to come up and do something else in case it does rain?". Haven't gotten a reply from him, been 2 hours***

 

----

 

 

. I'm not too concerned that he wont respond. He has always responded to my text messages. He's one of those people that sometimes can take hours to respond, and I'm used to that, as I am the same way. But I dont know why I just have this uneasy feeling about him, like every single time even when we have a date and time set up,and we talk daily, I won't know for sure until I see him right in front of me. Ugh, I just need to vent.

 

Well jeez ....that's just rude IMO.

 

Forget it, make other plans, this is ridiculous.

 

A guy who is actually interested in YOU (and not just the rodeo) would be all over that! And would have responded immediately.

 

You know jams, this is a blessing IMO. I don't think he is all that interested, sorry.

 

Or else he is playing some "waiting" game to keep you on edge, and in his mind, interested.

 

It all just sounds so exhausting! This is not how it's supposed to be!

 

Between all this combined with the fact that, after three dates, there is not much physically going on either (not sex, but kissing, a little foreplay?) ....this isn't looking good.

 

I dunno, I could be wrong ....hope I am!

Edited September 12, 2015 by katiegrl

[jam.over.jelly]

At this point, it's not even about making other plans to keep me occupied, I'd just be happy staying at home because it does look pretty bad outside. I'm just sad, I told myself that this clearly indicates that he doesn't like me as much as I thought he does, and I need to move on, but why is it so hard? I haven't met anyone that sparks my interest like this guy in a really long time and as soon as I get a little excited, this always happens. Just my luck!

[katiegrl]

At this point, it's not even about making other plans to keep me occupied, I'd just be happy staying at home because it does look pretty bad outside. I'm just sad, I told myself that this clearly indicates that he doesn't like me as much as I thought he does, and I need to move on, but why is it so hard? I haven't met anyone that sparks my interest like this guy in a really long time and as soon as I get a little excited, this always happens. Just my luck!

 

I'm sorry jams, yeah sucks.

 

But what about the guy (an ex?) you felt butterflies with ...who you were talking to earlier in the week?

 

Didn't you say you had made a date with him?

 

Confused again....

 

Edit: Oh and by "make other plans", I meant anything else ...even staying home and watching old movies!

Edited September 12, 2015 by katiegrl

[jam.over.jelly]

Yes I am seeing him tomorrow. I have that to look forward to, definitely. But still, I cant shake the fact that I am very much interested in this guy also . Oh well, it probably will just take me a couple days to get over him.

[katiegrl]

Yes I am seeing him tomorrow. I have that to look forward to, definitely. But still, I cant shake the fact that I am very much interested in this guy also . Oh well, it probably will just take me a couple days to get over him.

 

Yeah, just as you are beginning to get over him, he will contact you, all excited about some new adventure he has planned for you. Ugh

 

You know he will......can almost guarantee it. Next week, two weeks from now, he will.

 

I am beginning to think this guy may be a bit of a player!

[jam.over.jelly]

He just texted me saying he still would like to see me, we might just have to do something else. Ugh, I'm so tired of having to wait for his response that come hours late!