Am I Receiving Partial Truth?

[spanz1]

See, that's what I believe. She is VERY convincing with her account of things and says that she refused to reciprocate and she was not comfortable with it. For six months, that is one thing she has not budged on. Do you think it's true? Because I sure as hell don't know anymore.

 

take her for a polygraph test...that should scare the truth out of her and you will probably get a parking lot confession.

[kgcolonel]

Tomcook,

 

 

Just a question because of some of the earlier references you made about the comments "her being a good dancer" and the availability of men, one of which was from her work. What type of work does she do? Is this an environment that this behavior is acceptable at her workplace?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Lie detector test or instant divorce. Unfortunately there are some that can defeat a polygraph exam. Once you get a good idea what the truth is, you can make an informed decision.

 

 

Personally, I'd think about leaving anyways. She's only 23 and is probably not fully mature & ready for marriage. How long have you been married? How many partners did she have before you? Deception & lying is a huge red flag besides the outright cheating.

[salparadise]

See, that's what I believe. She is VERY convincing with her account of things and says that she refused to reciprocate and she was not comfortable with it. For six months, that is one thing she has not budged on. Do you think it's true? Because I sure as hell don't know anymore.

 

Oh, c'mon man... are you really going to believe the diffident, inhibited, demure crap as the reason she didn't do what cheaters do when they take off their panties? Remember, this is the same woman who did three guys in as many days––the same one who has been lying and trickle truthing all along. There's nothing inhibited about her!

 

She simply understands the consequences of admitting it, and that there's no way you could know for sure unless she does. So that's where she's drawing the line on what she will admit to.

 

If it's really that important to you to get the full admission then schedule the polygraph, and don't tip her off ahead of time. You'll probably get the parking lot confession, and if not the polygraph will almost certainly get to the truth.

 

But the real question you need to answer is for yourself... would you ever again feel confident that if she had a few hours to herself that she wouldn't be in the back seat of someone's car with her panties down around her ankles... doing whatever it is that she does?

[NotCamelot]

tomcook,

 

 

I completely understand wanting to reconcile and get your marriage back. A lot of us here were in the exact same state with the same thinking. Me? Been there, done that, 3 1/2 years reconciled and happy 99.9% of the time....really. It can be done.

 

 

But, think about this....... she cheated, admittedly, with 3 different guys, in a short period all because you had an argument. If you stay with her, I think, that each and every time you have an argument in the future, you are going to think, "who is she going to screw now"? Believe me, you will.

 

 

If there were more to the why, and only with one guy, then I would be cheering you on for reconciliation. I believe in it - if the situation is right. But, unless there is more to her side of the story, I think you need to move on with your life WITHOUT her.

 

 

I don't post much here anymore. For a long time, it was a horrid reminder of what happened to me. It does not bother me now. But I was always advising to people to stay together if at all possible. But, for you, I don't see that as a good thing for you. BECAUSE, if she gave herself to other guys that easily and quickly, why would she not do it again? (I am not seeing a history of why she did it.)

 

 

No kids. What is your age?

[NotCamelot]

And, additionally, IF she let three different guys ONLY put their hands there in that short time, does it really matter what else she let them do or what she did for them?

 

 

Turn it around: You get found out -- "Honey, I only let those three girls give me a handjob". What do you think your little sweety is going to think. No way she would ever believe it stopped with that.

 

 

I am really sorry for your situation, and I don't mean to come across harshly. But almost everyone on this site has been in your shoes. I don't see things going well staying with her.

[BetrayedH]

She's following the handbook...lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, and lie some more.

 

Do you really believe that in 3 situations the guy fingered her, had his junk out, and didn't finish? Because she's too innocent for that? Seriously? I don't believe that happened even once, let alone thrice.

 

Look, this is just what cheaters do. We've seen it here countless times and experienced it first-hand. Whatever she says happened, worsen it ten-fold and you might be close to the truth. These guys did whatever they wanted with her.

 

Look, even what she had admitted should be a dealbreaker for you. The default position for you should be that she broke her agreement with you and thus, the agreement is broken. You file for divorce. Your questions, words and threats don't mean jack crap right now because she's watched you sit quietly and eat your sh|t sandwich for a good 6 months now. Getting served with divorce papers in her workplace may show her that you actually have a spine and aren't going to tolerate the status quo any further.

 

In some cases, that filing is enough of a wake-up call that they'll actually give you the truth. If at that point you feel you've gotten it all and that her remorse is sufficient that you might be able to forgive, then you can always pause the divorce proceedings.

 

Doing anything less than this creates a situation where you have devalued and disrespected yourself by accepting unacceptable behavior. She certainly won't respect you if you don't respect yourself. And a woman cannot love a man she doesn't respect. Your current path is almost a guarantee of a repeat performance once the dust has settled. And she'll figure she can lie, deny, and minimize her way out of it enough that you'll choose to forgive/get over it anyway because your actions show that it's what you do.

 

Break the cycle. The burden is on her, not on you.

[bubbaganoosh]

You've been told to take her for a polygraph. Make the appointment, then the day before you let her know that it's set up and she's going to take it. If she gives you a hard time then you know she hasn't been honest with you.

 

When that happens, then it's time for you to put your big boy pants on, step up tot the plate and let her know in a way she fully understands that she can either take the test or she can expect a divorce and do not give her any other choices.

 

Your problem is she plays you like a fiddle and you let her. Let it continue and be prepared for her to do the same.

 

Honestly, if she wan my wife, she wouldn't be there. 3 different guys she's been with. One should be enough. All in all, time to take the bull by the horns and get your life back and your better off with her not in it. Your choice.

[Mr. Lucky]

What type of work does she do? Is this an environment that this behavior is acceptable at her workplace?

 

I can only think of one type of workplace where sexual penetration, digital or otherwise, is acceptable. And it's only legal if the OP lives in Nevada...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kgcolonel]

Mr. Lucky....actually I was thinking about stripping but you make a good point. I haven't frequented Men's Clubs in many many years (work too hard for my money to poor it out for the negative ROI that exists "trying to apply humor here") but I have heard that this is somewhat prominent within the industry.

[sidney2718]

Thank you. So, in those months I am waiting for the papers to be served, should/can I still reconcile if she reveals everything out of fear?

 

The papers will be served fast. But some states have mandatory waiting periods. Others have court jam-ups so that it will take months for a hearing to be held.

 

Don't decide now what you are going to do if and when she realizes that she's given you a crap sandwich to digest. It is up to her to convince you that what you want to do is stop the divorce. As long as you are not sure what went on, you can't reconcile. Your mind won't let you.

[sidney2718]

See, that's what I believe. She is VERY convincing with her account of things and says that she refused to reciprocate and she was not comfortable with it. For six months, that is one thing she has not budged on. Do you think it's true? Because I sure as hell don't know anymore.

 

The very fact that she was able to be intimate with other men, even if she didn't have vaginal sex with them, is a wall of red flags. Has she explained why she thought that would be OK behavior?

 

As for not budging, what else can she do? She can no longer deny it and admitting any more would kill you.

 

Would she be OK if you'd had a female friend or three who insisted on opening your pants and pleasuring you?

[harrybrown]

Have her prove to you that it did not go into more sexual acts.

 

rather than you try to figure out if they stopped like she said.

 

I do not think in most cases that these consenting adults would stop without going further.

 

I do think you would be better moving on.

 

Good luck to you.

[sidney2718]

Have her prove to you that it did not go into more sexual acts.

 

rather than you try to figure out if they stopped like she said.

 

I do not think in most cases that these consenting adults would stop without going further.

 

I do think you would be better moving on.

 

Good luck to you.

 

I don't think that there is any way one can prove that something DIDN'T happen. The best she can do is explain her entire frame of mind when she went with those guys, show awareness of how much she has hurt you, and is taking steps to be a much better wife. And that includes in bed.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Hello, I'll try to keep this short and sweet.

 

Couple things here:

 

A lot of the answer you get will depend on how you ask the question, and what she expects your reaction to be.

 

If she can expect you to flip out, your going to continue to get the BS you've gotten so far.

 

The other thing you need to ask yourself is: What really matters to you? The answers are likely to live up to your worst expectations anyway....so then what?

 

If you want the answer just so you can justify divorcing her....then do it already, because unless she's in 9th grade, nobody JUST makes out anymore.

 

If you want to hear the truth, because you want to know that you two can tell the truth to eachother no matter how difficult it is....then present it to her like that, and live up to that once you hear the worst.

 

 

And if going through this, you just can't settle your stomache of the whole thing....well, then join the club, and buckle up.

[singer23]

Hello, I'll try to keep this short and sweet. Earlier this year, I found out that my wife cheated on me after a rather large argument. I had been in a crummy mood because a couple of days earlier, I had found out that she had worked with an ex-lover for several months without telling me. I forgave, but was upset, so her natural response to this was to cheat on me with this very individual, and 2 others, one whom I also had a problem with her talking to prior. It's an interesting story, but I'll try to keep it short.

 

Anyhow, when I dug around for an entire month, she finally revealed to me that she did in fact cheat, but never had sex. There was just kissing, and the men pleasured her with their hands. Later on, after more pushing, I realised that two of them exposed themselves but there was no physical contact. I've asked her repeatedly to give me the full details, and most importantly if she had any additional physical contact (sexual intercourse, oral, etc) and she says no.

 

I'm six months in, and still healing, but I still find it hard to believe. I would like to know the readers' opinions, whether good or bad. If you need any additional details to fill in any gaps I may have left, please let me know in your responses. Thanks in advance to all of you.

 

 

Hopefully you are not upset now or I can now see her participating in orgies and gangbangs...I mean, being upset for working with her got her cheating with 3 guys. You getting upset now is a much bigger offense.

[BetrayedH]

I don't think that there is any way one can prove that something DIDN'T happen. The best she can do is explain her entire frame of mind when she went with those guys, show awareness of how much she has hurt you, and is taking steps to be a much better wife. And that includes in bed.

 

The problem with the concept that she can't prove that it didn't happen is that SHE has created that scenario with her lies and infidelity. So suddenly the pressure is on the betrayed person to dig, investigate, and prove the liar's guilt? The onus is now on the betrayed spouse to try to undelete messages.

 

The wayward shouldn't get a pass simply because they've managed to delete all traces of the affairs and obfuscate the truth. She wants to be believed but she's the one that has established herself to be a liar. If she wants to fix that problem she created, let her go ahead and do it. The lack of proof is her problem, not his. Let her make her case and expect it to he convincing. Otherwise, don't believe a word out of her mouth.

[sandylee1]

You can't work on your marriage without the truth and you haven't got the truth. What planet is your wife on to get grumpy and tired when you ask for details of her infidelity?

You need to get tough. Get her a cup of coffee and she better start talking. Alternatively, you tell her that you start the 180 in a strict manner, until she has the decency to come clean.

 

If she doesn't, then file for D. She's had sex with one or more guys.

One cheating wife convinced her H he was insanely jealous and googled his illness as 'Othello syndrome ' and went as far as finding him a therapist. Guess what .....she was lying. This went on for 9 months. She was with another man for the entire time, but convinced her H he was just jealous. It's cruelty. This is what your wife's doing to you.

 

Her morals are not good enough. The sooner you realise you deserve better, you'll get better than what you have with her.

[sidney2718]

The problem with the concept that she can't prove that it didn't happen is that SHE has created that scenario with her lies and infidelity. So suddenly the pressure is on the betrayed person to dig, investigate, and prove the liar's guilt? The onus is now on the betrayed spouse to try to undelete messages.

 

The wayward shouldn't get a pass simply because they've managed to delete all traces of the affairs and obfuscate the truth. She wants to be believed but she's the one that has established herself to be a liar. If she wants to fix that problem she created, let her go ahead and do it. The lack of proof is her problem, not his. Let her make her case and expect it to he convincing. Otherwise, don't believe a word out of her mouth.

 

I'm not giving her a pass. My point is that she'll have to regain his trust the best way she can. It is her problem, not his.

[i am gutted]

You only know the tip of the iceberg. My h always proclaimed that he just had coffee. Well you dont send naked pictures of yourself if you just want coffee. In your case, most guys dont stop at kissing or giving pleasure. They want to be pleasured. Sounds like she is a serial cheater. You want to forgive her so as not to disrupt this marriage. However, its like a leaky hose. More leaks in her story keep popping up. You are starting to see the reality that she hasnt told you the truth. Your gut instinct isnt allowing you to sweep this under the rug. You posted here because things dont add up. The relationship isnt on the path to a better marriage. You cant forgive her and truly heal because she hasnt told you the ugly truth.

 

same here with proclaimation and pics being sent and received........

they can lie right to your face and not blink, deny deny deny.....I had facts and asked him about it and he lied again

 

trust your gutt, and don't let her throw it back in your face as being your fault with what she has done.

[tomcook]

Again, thank you all for your support. I had a fairly young close family member die yesterday morning, and it really ripped me apart. Last night, the wife and I talked a little more about things. She cried a lot. I think she could tell I was REALLY considering leaving her. She told me how much she needed me, and how much it would tear her up if I left. While she was crying, she said that she was so glad that she did nothing more than what she says she did. Is this also a ploy? Don't get me wrong, I am still very pissed and agree with each and every one of you on many levels, but I told her okay I'll take your word for it to buy myself more time to flip through all of the data I collected, and I can't find a thing. She deleted too quickly at that time to really uncover anything new. I will pursue it again, but even though she tore my heart out over something stupid that was used as an excuse to allow herself to cheat, it's still really tough breaking seeing her break down with the remorse she has shown. Should I proceed with the polygraph, divorce papers, etc? Are all of the apologies, crying, and saying I am overthinking it just some form of diversion from the truth/gaslighting? I commend you all for having gone though this before me. This crap is tough, especially when you're the sympathetic type. I did read about the signs of a control freak and gaslighting and a lot of them have been there all along. I guess it's gone on so damn long, I just don't even know when I'm right or wrong anymore it feels like.

[qubist]

Again, thank you all for your support. I had a fairly young close family member die yesterday morning, and it really ripped me apart. Last night, the wife and I talked a little more about things. She cried a lot. I think she could tell I was REALLY considering leaving her. She told me how much she needed me, and how much it would tear her up if I left. While she was crying, she said that she was so glad that she did nothing more than what she says she did. Is this also a ploy? Don't get me wrong, I am still very pissed and agree with each and every one of you on many levels, but I told her okay I'll take your word for it to buy myself more time to flip through all of the data I collected, and I can't find a thing. She deleted too quickly at that time to really uncover anything new. I will pursue it again, but even though she tore my heart out over something stupid that was used as an excuse to allow herself to cheat, it's still really tough breaking seeing her break down with the remorse she has shown. Should I proceed with the polygraph, divorce papers, etc? Are all of the apologies, crying, and saying I am overthinking it just some form of diversion from the truth/gaslighting? I commend you all for having gone though this before me. This crap is tough, especially when you're the sympathetic type. I did read about the signs of a control freak and gaslighting and a lot of them have been there all along. I guess it's gone on so damn long, I just don't even know when I'm right or wrong anymore it feels like.

sorry for your loss, i hope you and family find comfort.

when she came remorseful and breaking down I wish you hadn't told her it was OK, that was your opportunity to lay it all out to tell her that you can't trust that and really believe that more happened. that was your chance to show her that the only way to be completely out of this and to hope your relationship to survive is to come out clear and clean.

this took a big tole on you, and you have to move on quick to the next step. you should tell her that you are not OK and wanting D hopefully that would make her face the harsh reality

[salparadise]

but I told her okay I'll take your word for it...

 

Should I proceed with the polygraph, divorce papers, etc? Are all of the apologies, crying, and saying I am overthinking it just some form of diversion from the truth/gaslighting?

 

You've got about 40 people here telling you the exact same things:

 

a) you can't believe a phukking word she says; she plays you like a fiddle

b) married adult cheaters don't hold at third––it's all about scoring

c) she pulled down her panties for three different men in a few days, for no particular reason, and you still manage somehow to buy the demure, inhibited act?

 

You've got one serious case of denial going on tomcook. You want so badly to believe that it didn't happen, that it will all be ok, that you're able to deny the reality and the gravity of the situation.

 

Everyone is telling you that her taking off her panties for three guys in three days for no better reason than you had an argument means that she's disinhibited... but you choose to believe that she stopped short of actually phukking them because of her ladylike inhibitions. That is denial.

 

And one more thing... whether these three guys inserted their penises or just fingers is NOT a key distinction as you seem to have concluded. The fact that she took her panties off for three different guys, gave the access, and allowed them to insert any of their body parts into her... well, how do you just ignore that as if it has no relevance.

 

Yes, do the polygraph. You need it. The crying routine means nothing.

 

PS: I'm sorry for your loss. Don't use that as an excuse for the other stuff even if you feel overwhelmed.

Edited August 28, 2015 by salparadise

[SSJROMANCE]

I agree that she is giving you the "trickle true". Telling you just enough to make you stop questioning her and go away.

 

My wife's entire family are trickle true experts. My wife did that to me for years when I found out about her past. Her sister slept with her boss and when her husband found a text she started out claiming they just held hands. Then it went to kissing. Then ultimately she confessed to hardcore sex. Her brother did this to his wife as well and for years denied having an affair. Said they only kissed when he met her at least twice away on a business trip (ya right dude). After 12 years of lying while preaching the Lords words to everyone else he FINALLY admitted to a sexual relationship - trying to get into heaven or something (that's another story).

 

I'm sorry but unless you are in high school grow adults are not going to just round first and second base. She had sex and she is playing you for a fool. I would continue to question her until she comes clean. Maybe even throw a bluff in there and see how she responses.

[SSJROMANCE]

Hopefully you are not upset now or I can now see her participating in orgies and gangbangs...I mean, being upset for working with her got her cheating with 3 guys. You getting upset now is a much bigger offense.

 

I hope you are joking. Are you blaming HIM for what she did? And are you saying don't push it or it could get worse?