Am I Receiving Partial Truth?

[lolablue17]

What are the reasons she uses to explain the "non sex" thing? Why did she stop in each one of the occasions?

 

To tell you the truth, her answer to this question isn't so interesting because it will only point "what lie did she choose to adopt this time".

 

That is the problem with liars. You can never know the truth. But the lying is only part of the problem. the bigger part is the circumstances of the cheating acts. VERY VERY DISTURBING, and imply major things about her basic character. Which means she will cheat on you again.

 

your supervision is only a technical barrier for her to cheat. She will find the way, trust her on that. It's sad but this is the only thing you can trust her - that she will definitely cheat.

Edited August 26, 2015 by lolablue17

[flowergirl14]

You only know the tip of the iceberg. My h always proclaimed that he just had coffee. Well you dont send naked pictures of yourself if you just want coffee. In your case, most guys dont stop at kissing or giving pleasure. They want to be pleasured. Sounds like she is a serial cheater. You want to forgive her so as not to disrupt this marriage. However, its like a leaky hose. More leaks in her story keep popping up. You are starting to see the reality that she hasnt told you the truth. Your gut instinct isnt allowing you to sweep this under the rug. You posted here because things dont add up. The relationship isnt on the path to a better marriage. You cant forgive her and truly heal because she hasnt told you the ugly truth.

[sandylee1]

What kind of wife do you want?

Because all the guys I know would be done with a wife like this in a heartbeat.

 

You need to stand up for yourself and stop putting up with this crappie treatment.

 

If she cheats with three men and you believe there's no way she never had sex with at least one of them, your extremely naive or trusting.

 

I've never met these guys who are happy to pleasure a woman with nothing in return and I dated quite a bit before marriage. They'd want oral if nothing else .

 

Is this the woman you want to grow old with? Is she mother material?

 

Ask yourself why she won't cheat again? What will stop her?

You need to brace yourself for heartbreak, as your wife sounds like she feels entitled.

[autumnnight]

IMO, the real value of the polygraph is not passing or failing, but the parking lot confession. There is a reason a polygraph is not admissible in court. I believe a polygraph can tell you when someone is lying. I'm not sure it can tell you when someone is telling the truth.

 

Honestly, for me, it wouldn't be the details that would get me in your case. It would be that nagging "do I really know? Can I really trust her?" that would just wear me down. One thing I really really want in a relationship is to feel safe. If I couldn't feel safe, I couldn't stay. Spending my life waiting for a shoe to drop would be torture.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I forgave, but was upset, so her natural response to this was to cheat on me with this very individual, and 2 others, one whom I also had a problem with her talking to prior. It's an interesting story, but I'll try to keep it short.

I doubt it's that interesting. I'll keep it short, too. There's nothing natural about this response.

 

Get as far away from her as possible.

[qubist]

Tomcook: No disrespect but you are totally confused. and your marriage relationship is toxic. unless you do something about it it will destroy you inside out until you end up blowing up and doing something you will regret.

I'm a big believer in reconciliation but there is a define way to it. so she admitted her infidelity wants to stay with you but refuse to talk about it and get offensive to the point that you would just rather back up. let me assure you 2 things you will never be satisfied with her answers and it will bother you till the point where you can'r handle it. I can't believe that you wouldn't even make her read the thread about " what every WW should know" . you have 2 choices

1- get out of this mess and file for Divorse ASAP

2- if you both want to make this work you both need to understand that it would be hard fight. and it starts with her being completely honest and open. I understand she is hiding the whole truth because she fears your reaction. MC and or IC are necessary for both of you

[Marc878]

Jeeze! Do you really want to live your life like this? Young and no kids. It'll only get worse. Just a matter of time. Your life is what you'll make it.

[aliveagain]

When grown ups are alone in dark places and a man has his hand in your wife's vagina the chances oral or genital sex didn't happen are slim to none. It is not up to you to prove she cheated, it is up to her to prove she didn't because you have enough information to start the divorce process. Three guys, no children, works with an ex lover who she flirts with but won't tell you about, leaves you stranded and you have to walk home while she was apparently only riding his hand in some dark alleyway. Why is it you want to be with her again?

 

Make it her job to convince you she's worth staying married to because at the moment it's just not looking good for her. With no children there will never be an easier time to finish what she started by cheating. You deserve someone in your life that won't lie to you and can guarantee you the paternity of your children. Please, you both need to get tested for STD's because STD's can be spread by simple finger insertion, if that is proven to be the truth. I wouldn't believe much coming out of her mouth at the moment. If she can't make you feel safe don't waste too much time on her. Talk to a lawyer no matter what, understand your rights and do what is best for you because you can't count on her to have your back. Three guy's and your out.

Edited August 26, 2015 by aliveagain

[tomcook]

Its an old idea but it actually works well. You see wayward spouses like to control you and the marriage by controlling information. Just bringing up a poly in many cases will open them up to giving you more information.

 

For me in hindsight, I wouldn't play those games, I would go right for the jugular simply because the "hunt" for the truth can take months even years. After 14 months of crap from my wife I filed for divorce, within hours of her being served I got all the information I had wanted for the past 14 months.

 

I just wish I had done it in the first week of it becoming clear to me that she had an affair. Would have saved me a lot of stress and pain.

 

Women respond to strong actions, because of this you have to be willing to lose her in order to save your marriage and prevent it in the future.

 

That's a good point DKT3. I wish I wasn't such a sympathetic fool sometimes. That's the thing. I know I am WAY too nice about it.

[deadelvis]

That's a good point DKT3. I wish I wasn't such a sympathetic fool sometimes. That's the thing. I know I am WAY too nice about it.

 

c'mon man... we're trying to be kind here... but ummm... she's no good. thats the most delicate way I can say it

[tomcook]

What are the reasons she uses to explain the "non sex" thing? Why did she stop in each one of the occasions?

 

To tell you the truth, her answer to this question isn't so interesting because it will only point "what lie did she choose to adopt this time".

 

That is the problem with liars. You can never know the truth. But the lying is only part of the problem. the bigger part is the circumstances of the cheating acts. VERY VERY DISTURBING, and imply major things about her basic character. Which means she will cheat on you again.

 

your supervision is only a technical barrier for her to cheat. She will find the way, trust her on that. It's sad but this is the only thing you can trust her - that she will definitely cheat.

 

Yeah Lolablue17, I have to say, I always have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that she will or is doing it again. I'm so easily fooled by the displays of remorse, love, and affection though, that it just ends up making me feel bad for her more than myself. I can't figure out how to get out of that loop.

[tomcook]

You only know the tip of the iceberg. My h always proclaimed that he just had coffee. Well you dont send naked pictures of yourself if you just want coffee. In your case, most guys dont stop at kissing or giving pleasure. They want to be pleasured. Sounds like she is a serial cheater. You want to forgive her so as not to disrupt this marriage. However, its like a leaky hose. More leaks in her story keep popping up. You are starting to see the reality that she hasnt told you the truth. Your gut instinct isnt allowing you to sweep this under the rug. You posted here because things dont add up. The relationship isnt on the path to a better marriage. You cant forgive her and truly heal because she hasnt told you the ugly truth.

 

You see flowergirl14, I was thinking that while my gut instincts were right to suspect cheating in the first place, are they correct now, or is the paranoid angry aftermath of a person I am now taking over my instincts?

[tomcook]

What kind of wife do you want?

Because all the guys I know would be done with a wife like this in a heartbeat.

 

You need to stand up for yourself and stop putting up with this crappie treatment.

 

If she cheats with three men and you believe there's no way she never had sex with at least one of them, your extremely naive or trusting.

 

I've never met these guys who are happy to pleasure a woman with nothing in return and I dated quite a bit before marriage. They'd want oral if nothing else .

 

Is this the woman you want to grow old with? Is she mother material?

 

Ask yourself why she won't cheat again? What will stop her?

You need to brace yourself for heartbreak, as your wife sounds like she feels entitled.

 

You're absolutely right sandylee1. I don't want to be that guy, but I can clearly see that I am. It's really helpful to have you and all other posters bring me back to reality. I obviously want a decent wife that accepts me for who I am and offers loyalty and the same respect I give her. I want fairness. You may be very correct about the entitlement part. It's just, ****, the way people talk about divorce, it sounds like a whole new painful process to go through. I do value some qualities in her, but this is just too much. I feel like I'm frightened of the change that D would bring.

[tomcook]

IMO, the real value of the polygraph is not passing or failing, but the parking lot confession. There is a reason a polygraph is not admissible in court. I believe a polygraph can tell you when someone is lying. I'm not sure it can tell you when someone is telling the truth.

 

Honestly, for me, it wouldn't be the details that would get me in your case. It would be that nagging "do I really know? Can I really trust her?" that would just wear me down. One thing I really really want in a relationship is to feel safe. If I couldn't feel safe, I couldn't stay. Spending my life waiting for a shoe to drop would be torture.

 

I'm glad you mentioned that. Would I have to confront her in the parking lot, or do you think I could get away with trying it before the parking lot, like before I make the appointment?

[tomcook]

Tomcook: No disrespect but you are totally confused. and your marriage relationship is toxic. unless you do something about it it will destroy you inside out until you end up blowing up and doing something you will regret.

I'm a big believer in reconciliation but there is a define way to it. so she admitted her infidelity wants to stay with you but refuse to talk about it and get offensive to the point that you would just rather back up. let me assure you 2 things you will never be satisfied with her answers and it will bother you till the point where you can'r handle it. I can't believe that you wouldn't even make her read the thread about " what every WW should know" . you have 2 choices

1- get out of this mess and file for Divorse ASAP

2- if you both want to make this work you both need to understand that it would be hard fight. and it starts with her being completely honest and open. I understand she is hiding the whole truth because she fears your reaction. MC and or IC are necessary for both of you

 

Not disrpected in the slightest. You speak the truth. I just wish I knew how to make demands and shift things in my direction. I could file, but am I really fighting the good fight? I mean, am I really playingmy cards right in making demands? I still agree with you though. I've leaned towards D on multiple occasions. My mind keeps leading me back to it.

[tomcook]

When grown ups are alone in dark places and a man has his hand in your wife's vagina the chances oral or genital sex didn't happen are slim to none. It is not up to you to prove she cheated, it is up to her to prove she didn't because you have enough information to start the divorce process. Three guys, no children, works with an ex lover who she flirts with but won't tell you about, leaves you stranded and you have to walk home while she was apparently only riding his hand in some dark alleyway. Why is it you want to be with her again?

 

Make it her job to convince you she's worth staying married to because at the moment it's just not looking good for her. With no children there will never be an easier time to finish what she started by cheating. You deserve someone in your life that won't lie to you and can guarantee you the paternity of your children. Please, you both need to get tested for STD's because STD's can be spread by simple finger insertion, if that is proven to be the truth. I wouldn't believe much coming out of her mouth at the moment. If she can't make you feel safe don't waste too much time on her. Talk to a lawyer no matter what, understand your rights and do what is best for you because you can't count on her to have your back. Three guy's and your out.

 

Thanks for your very thoughtful response. I agree. Looking at the ugly truth, it's hard to imagine that she really didn't reciprocate. There's just no way. It's too convenient. How do I pry it out of her before going to extremes?

[tomcook]

I would just like to thank all of you for your inputs so far. It really means a lot that each and every one of you would take time out of your own lives to assist me. I can't tell you how much it means to me. It took me over six months just to post here, and it's been so incredibly difficult dealing with all of these emotions without any human feedback. I can't talk to my friends, family, or anyone. The counselor helped for a little while, but it was the same story over and over. Keep it coming.

[aliveagain]

Thanks for your very thoughtful response. I agree. Looking at the ugly truth, it's hard to imagine that she really didn't reciprocate. There's just no way. It's too convenient. How do I pry it out of her before going to extremes?

 

The onus is on her to prove her innocence because she's guilty of everything else. If she can't your in the same position as if she did have intercourse with each and every one of them. Expose everyone of them to their significant others, they deserve to know the truth about who they are in a relationship with. That's a consequence of cuckolding's you.

[tomcook]

To clarify some of what I mentioned earlier. I discovered that she was working with the ex-fling, I got mad, and stayed fairly grumpy for a week or so until the big argument. Then, she cheated. I didn't tell her until after finding out that I had still been upset about discovering the ex-fling coworker. Not sure if that makes a difference. Also, regarding cheating again, she says it was a mistake, she wasn't herself. She will never do it again, blah blah blah. You know the lines. I can't tell though. Is that sincere, or is that just a big pile of well, you know?

[tomcook]

The onus is on her to prove her innocence because she's guilty of everything else. If she can't your in the same position as if she did have intercourse with each and every one of them. Expose everyone of them to their significant others, they deserve to know the truth about who they are in a relationship with. That's a consequence of cuckolding's you.

 

Once again, thanks for the repsonse aliveagain. You and the other boardmembers are really walking me through this. I would love to expose them, and yes, why isn't she the one proving her innocence to me? It shouldn't have to be me proving her guilt. Beautifully observed.

[66Charger]

Keep what coming? Nothing else needs to be said here. We know, you know and what are you going to do about it. Seek more advice? Either take concrete actions, put your pants back on or whine for the next couple of years.

 

You accepted the "hands and nudity but nothing else for 6 months? It should have been 6 seconds. All you are saying is that you are afraid. Fear. Your wife can smell it. She doesnt respect you.

 

Look in the mirror. Stop asking questions. Find your courage and just do it.

[m.snow]

where is that meme with the "tip of the iceberg".

 

discreetly get full access to all her emails and her phone.

trust but verify!

 

"no kids" & "untrustworthy wife" good recipe for "turn the other way and run!"

[tomcook]

Keep what coming? Nothing else needs to be said here. We know, you know and what are you going to do about it. Seek more advice? Either take concrete actions, put your pants back on or whine for the next couple of years.

 

You accepted the "hands and nudity but nothing else for 6 months? It should have been 6 seconds. All you are saying is that you are afraid. Fear. Your wife can smell it. She doesnt respect you.

 

Look in the mirror. Stop asking questions. Find your courage and just do it.

 

You're right man. I'm going to do it then. Here goes nothing. I'll keep you all updated.

[tomcook]

where is that meme with the "tip of the iceberg".

 

discreetly get full access to all her emails and her phone.

trust but verify!

 

"no kids" & "untrustworthy wife" good recipe for "turn the other way and run!"

 

Haha, that would be a good meme to post. I have all the access. I was only able to recover so much though. I've scanned through that crap so many times, it's ridiculous. That's why all I'm left with is face-to-face confrontation now.

[ShatteredLady]

In the end my H has responded particularly well to my explanation of how disastrous trickle truth is. I printed out some different information & left him to read it. I explained that I don't know what's been going on in my own life. I have this puzzle with MANY missing pieces & my imagination is filling in all the blanks. Often my imagination is so much worse than the truth.

I gave him the opportunity to explain why he saw trickle truth as the only option he had. I made it VERY clear that he wasn't 'protecting me' or 'saving me' from the ugly truth....he was infact torturing me & killing any trust I had left. At the end of the day completing the puzzle for me was the only way he could save our marriage.

We started with the first 'fact' I knew. I your case it's the ex-lover was working with her. Then we created the time line. Step by step. It's REALLY hard not to jump to the questions you really want answered. It's even harder not to accuse! We took it methodically. I stopped at every point that didn't make sense. Somehow clearly understanding "What was the first flirtation? Why didn't you tell me? What in your life made you respond & not pull away from that person?" made it much easier to get to the true grit of "So...you were in a dark car park, were you up against the wall? What happened to make you stop at that point?".

Am I making sense? Know what I mean? Take it like the plot of a movie. As if you're the director & need to know every detail & how one scene moves to the next.

 

Having missing puzzle pieces & bits that just don't make sense will leave you always doubting. It's really hard to calmly do this. Just keep explaining to her that it's YOUR LIFE & you need to have the complete picture to move on to a better, stronger marriage. Tell her that you both could take this opportunity to create an even better marriage than either of you ever imagined. Doesn't she want a closer than close relationship where you can share EVERYTHING? Present the options as a distant stressful marriage as you now have OR a fantastic marriage. Just those 2 options.

 

Once you have the whole picture, including how she felt at the time & after AND now you can then process & decide if you can live with it or not. As long as she believes the truth could bring divorce you're not going to get honesty in my opinion.