Am I Receiving Partial Truth?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Yeah Lolablue17, I have to say, I always have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that she will or is doing it again. I'm so easily fooled by the displays of remorse, love, and affection though, that it just ends up making me feel bad for her more than myself. I can't figure out how to get out of that loop.

 

 

Tears are not displays of remorse. Not answering your questions truthfully, respectfully is not a display of love.

 

So far, you have not posted one thing that your current WW is doing towards R.

 

Making you feel bad about confronting her with what she has done....is her whole point...end game. She wants you to STFU...ALREADY.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with each and every poster who has advised you to take an offence position....stop playing her game....play yours. It is called...TomCooksRelationshipBoundaries....first edition.

 

Start with one rule for yourself.

 

Maybe...if it sounds like-looks like-feels like bulls$&@....TomCook as the final authority gets to make the call....ITS BULLS$&@. TomCook does not need the bulls$&@ters permission to call it that.

 

Another might be...TomCook gets to look out for himself exclusively if he feels the other teammate is playing for another team/s.

 

Put yourself first. What would you tell your brother to do? Would you advise him to see a lawyer? Would you advise him to start making other plans for his life? Would you advise him to see an IC for help?

[Mr. Lucky]

I've asked her repeatedly to give me the full details, and most importantly if she had any additional physical contact (sexual intercourse, oral, etc) and she says no.

 

Let's say she's telling the truth - why does it matter?

 

In what universe is sexual acts WITH THREE DIFFERENT MEN not sufficient motivational grounds for divorce ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Space Ritual]

Hello, I'll try to keep this short and sweet. Earlier this year, I found out that my wife cheated on me after a rather large argument. I had been in a crummy mood because a couple of days earlier, I had found out that she had worked with an ex-lover for several months without telling me. I forgave, but was upset, so her natural response to this was to cheat on me with this very individual, and 2 others, one whom I also had a problem with her talking to prior. It's an interesting story, but I'll try to keep it short.

 

Anyhow, when I dug around for an entire month, she finally revealed to me that she did in fact cheat, but never had sex. There was just kissing, and the men pleasured her with their hands. Later on, after more pushing, I realised that two of them exposed themselves but there was no physical contact. I've asked her repeatedly to give me the full details, and most importantly if she had any additional physical contact (sexual intercourse, oral, etc) and she says no.

 

I'm six months in, and still healing, but I still find it hard to believe. I would like to know the readers' opinions, whether good or bad. If you need any additional details to fill in any gaps I may have left, please let me know in your responses. Thanks in advance to all of you.

 

 

yeah her fingering story sounds totally plausible. It's as fresh as a Foghat concert.

 

One thing you can rest assured. Cheaters are liars.

Why you would even entertain staying with this person for one more second is anyone's guess. stay in the marriage at your own peril. I'm sure you have't even scratched the surface of what she's done.

 

The curb...find the nearest one and deposit her there.

[tomcook]

In the end my H has responded particularly well to my explanation of how disastrous trickle truth is. I printed out some different information & left him to read it. I explained that I don't know what's been going on in my own life. I have this puzzle with MANY missing pieces & my imagination is filling in all the blanks. Often my imagination is so much worse than the truth.

I gave him the opportunity to explain why he saw trickle truth as the only option he had. I made it VERY clear that he wasn't 'protecting me' or 'saving me' from the ugly truth....he was infact torturing me & killing any trust I had left. At the end of the day completing the puzzle for me was the only way he could save our marriage.

We started with the first 'fact' I knew. I your case it's the ex-lover was working with her. Then we created the time line. Step by step. It's REALLY hard not to jump to the questions you really want answered. It's even harder not to accuse! We took it methodically. I stopped at every point that didn't make sense. Somehow clearly understanding "What was the first flirtation? Why didn't you tell me? What in your life made you respond & not pull away from that person?" made it much easier to get to the true grit of "So...you were in a dark car park, were you up against the wall? What happened to make you stop at that point?".

Am I making sense? Know what I mean? Take it like the plot of a movie. As if you're the director & need to know every detail & how one scene moves to the next.

 

Having missing puzzle pieces & bits that just don't make sense will leave you always doubting. It's really hard to calmly do this. Just keep explaining to her that it's YOUR LIFE & you need to have the complete picture to move on to a better, stronger marriage. Tell her that you both could take this opportunity to create an even better marriage than either of you ever imagined. Doesn't she want a closer than close relationship where you can share EVERYTHING? Present the options as a distant stressful marriage as you now have OR a fantastic marriage. Just those 2 options.

 

Once you have the whole picture, including how she felt at the time & after AND now you can then process & decide if you can live with it or not. As long as she believes the truth could bring divorce you're not going to get honesty in my opinion.

 

I love this, and I shall try it. Thank you very much for the thoughtful post.

[tomcook]

Tears are not displays of remorse. Not answering your questions truthfully, respectfully is not a display of love.

 

So far, you have not posted one thing that your current WW is doing towards R.

 

Making you feel bad about confronting her with what she has done....is her whole point...end game. She wants you to STFU...ALREADY.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with each and every poster who has advised you to take an offence position....stop playing her game....play yours. It is called...TomCooksRelationshipBoundaries....first edition.

 

Start with one rule for yourself.

 

Maybe...if it sounds like-looks like-feels like bulls$&@....TomCook as the final authority gets to make the call....ITS BULLS$&@. TomCook does not need the bulls$&@ters permission to call it that.

 

Another might be...TomCook gets to look out for himself exclusively if he feels the other teammate is playing for another team/s.

 

Put yourself first. What would you tell your brother to do? Would you advise him to see a lawyer? Would you advise him to start making other plans for his life? Would you advise him to see an IC for help?

 

Oh thank you very much. I really enjoyed that post. I like the idea of me being the one to make the call. I confronted her a little while ago, and she assures me that she did not do anything in addition to what she claimed. The thing is, almost every time I talk to her about it, she gets grumpy and says she's tired, and that I always want to talk about it when she's exhausted. What's sad about that is (although she was at school all day) that's the same thing she did over and over in the month that I had been digging for the truth of her cheating in the first place. I guess my gut is good at calling the bull****, but my brain or heart is not.

[m.snow]

btw, welcome to LS infidelity section!

 

a place were married people wish they never end up in

 

time to choose, you have two choice's in life

1.)take the blue pill, life goes on. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. marriage filled with rainbows and unicorns.

 

2.) You take the red pill, you stay here and dig, and we show you how deep the filthy rabbit hole goes. face reality that's is not all sunshine.

 

wanna go the whole 9 yards?

 

~get a VAR (voice activated recorded). has to be voice activated with long battery life. spare no expense get a good one.

 

put it in her car!

[tomcook]

btw, welcome to LS infidelity section!

 

a place were married people wish they never end up in

 

time to choose, you have two choice's in life

1.)take the blue pill, life goes on. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. marriage filled with rainbows and unicorns.

 

2.) You take the red pill, you stay here and dig, and we show you how deep the filthy rabbit hole goes. face reality that's is not all sunshine.

 

wanna go the whole 9 yards?

 

~get a VAR (voice activated recorded). has to be voice activated with long battery life. spare no expense get a good one.

 

put it in her car!

 

I appreciate the warm welcome. I know none of us wanted to end up here, but I'm glad I at least have other people to share the asscrack of reality with. I believe I will take the red pill. Speaking of that VAR. Would there be any point in it now that she's not cheating and claims she hasn't told anyone?

Edited August 27, 2015 by tomcook
Spelling mistake

[sidney2718]

Oh thank you very much. I really enjoyed that post. I like the idea of me being the one to make the call. I confronted her a little while ago, and she assures me that she did not do anything in addition to what she claimed. The thing is, almost every time I talk to her about it, she gets grumpy and says she's tired, and that I always want to talk about it when she's exhausted. What's sad about that is (although she was at school all day) that's the same thing she did over and over in the month that I had been digging for the truth of her cheating in the first place. I guess my gut is good at calling the bull****, but my brain or heart is not.

 

She's still lying to you. You are taking all the blame on yourself while the poor girl has to answer your nasty questions when she's exhausted.

 

Tom: See a lawyer and file for divorce. It will cost bucks but there it is.

 

Divorces are not instantaneous. It will take months at best. She will not be happy. Remind her that the situation is of her making. She can still make it right, but that is up to her. Tell her that repeating the same crap over and over again won't work. Especially the part about the pleasuring of her while his pants stayed zipped. NOBODY believes that and that's her problem.

 

So she will have some months to tell you the real story. Don't push her, don't threaten her. The divorce papers when served on her will wake her up, one way or another. One result might be that she leaves you right then. Then you will have your answer. Another might be that she cries and cries. Be immune to that.

 

Last, she is not your mother. You do not have to worry about peeving her or getting her angry. Don't be apologetic. Any fool can see that you have cause for worry. Fixing it is HER problem.

 

Good luck!

[m.snow]

I appreciate the warm welcome. I know none of us wanted to end up here, but I'm glad I at least have other people to share the asscrack of reality with. I believe I will take the red pill. Speaking of that VAR. Would there be any point in it now that she's not cheating and claims she hasn't told anyone?

 

you just don't know!

[Timmos]

Your wife sounds a lot like mine a couple months after dday. Then one day I discovered the last trickle truth and something happened for the first time: anger.

 

She was at work when I went on a rampage. Bloody knuckles, busted walls. I broke damn near everything I saw. I ripped a matress in two. It was completely out of character, as I tend to strongly dislike any kind of violence, but I really messed everything up.

 

Once I calmed down a bit, I called her and let her know that she was expected home, IMMEDIATELY. There wasnt any more "nice" left in me.

 

She came home and I pointed to the pile of her clothes and a suitcase that I had prepped for her. She was to start talking or take a long hike in a foot of snow.

 

We've been doing better ever since.

 

Now I'm not saying you need to trash your house or become violent, but anger is completely justified and she might not respect you until she knows damn well that you're not going to play, or put up with, her little games anymore.

 

When shes on the way out the door and the reality of losing everything hits her, I bet you she'll start answering questions.

[Whatnotagain]

You need to ask yourself whether or not you would be willing to stay with your wife if you knew for certain that she had sex with another man. If the answer is no, then you need to get out now. The fact is she had sexual contact with other men and exposed you to them and all of their sexual partners. You need to start acting like your wife had unprotected sexual intercourse with another man and make an appointment immediately with your doctor to be tested for STD's. Let her know that you are doing so and why you are doing it. Before you go the polygraph route you may want to ask her if she and the AP's thought about using protection, or did she even care if she put you at risk for STD's. See what her response is. If she says "well so and so had some condoms with him" or "I would have used protection if we did" then that tells you that she was at least prepared to have sex with them. If she says that she really didn't think about it, well then that shows how much she cares about you and protecting you (think about that for a little while). From my own experience I know that it isn't going to feel any worse for you in the future knowing for certain that she had sexual intercourse with another man that it does now not knowing for certain. So do yourself a favor and end the confusion in your mind about whether or not she had sex with these men and realize that she has checked out of your marriage.

 

Be grateful that you have found yourself in this situation and do not have children together, that is what will really rip your heart out. AND DON"T GET HER PREGNANT!

[Timmos]

I just read through that and don't want it to sound like I'm endorsing agression or scaring the bejeezus out of someone. It's just that, in my case, it was a turning point from my trying to nice her back to having had enough of her bull****. From the state of the house/furniture, it was pretty clear that I was through with questions being dodged and half truths. At that point, it was all or nothing.

[tomcook]

She's still lying to you. You are taking all the blame on yourself while the poor girl has to answer your nasty questions when she's exhausted.

 

Tom: See a lawyer and file for divorce. It will cost bucks but there it is.

 

Divorces are not instantaneous. It will take months at best. She will not be happy. Remind her that the situation is of her making. She can still make it right, but that is up to her. Tell her that repeating the same crap over and over again won't work. Especially the part about the pleasuring of her while his pants stayed zipped. NOBODY believes that and that's her problem.

 

So she will have some months to tell you the real story. Don't push her, don't threaten her. The divorce papers when served on her will wake her up, one way or another. One result might be that she leaves you right then. Then you will have your answer. Another might be that she cries and cries. Be immune to that.

 

Last, she is not your mother. You do not have to worry about peeving her or getting her angry. Don't be apologetic. Any fool can see that you have cause for worry. Fixing it is HER problem.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you. So, in those months I am waiting for the papers to be served, should/can I still reconcile if she reveals everything out of fear?

[tomcook]

Your wife sounds a lot like mine a couple months after dday. Then one day I discovered the last trickle truth and something happened for the first time: anger.

 

She was at work when I went on a rampage. Bloody knuckles, busted walls. I broke damn near everything I saw. I ripped a matress in two. It was completely out of character, as I tend to strongly dislike any kind of violence, but I really messed everything up.

 

Once I calmed down a bit, I called her and let her know that she was expected home, IMMEDIATELY. There wasnt any more "nice" left in me.

 

She came home and I pointed to the pile of her clothes and a suitcase that I had prepped for her. She was to start talking or take a long hike in a foot of snow.

 

We've been doing better ever since.

 

Now I'm not saying you need to trash your house or become violent, but anger is completely justified and she might not respect you until she knows damn well that you're not going to play, or put up with, her little games anymore.

 

When shes on the way out the door and the reality of losing everything hits her, I bet you she'll start answering questions.

 

Yeah, I get exactly what you mean. I do have a short temper, so I already had a moment of flipping out breaking things, but she just threatened to leave me. That was a bad day. Instead of prying for full details while I was angry, I just did the whole "Why me?" thing.

[tomcook]

You need to ask yourself whether or not you would be willing to stay with your wife if you knew for certain that she had sex with another man. If the answer is no, then you need to get out now. The fact is she had sexual contact with other men and exposed you to them and all of their sexual partners. You need to start acting like your wife had unprotected sexual intercourse with another man and make an appointment immediately with your doctor to be tested for STD's. Let her know that you are doing so and why you are doing it. Before you go the polygraph route you may want to ask her if she and the AP's thought about using protection, or did she even care if she put you at risk for STD's. See what her response is. If she says "well so and so had some condoms with him" or "I would have used protection if we did" then that tells you that she was at least prepared to have sex with them. If she says that she really didn't think about it, well then that shows how much she cares about you and protecting you (think about that for a little while). From my own experience I know that it isn't going to feel any worse for you in the future knowing for certain that she had sexual intercourse with another man that it does now not knowing for certain. So do yourself a favor and end the confusion in your mind about whether or not she had sex with these men and realize that she has checked out of your marriage.

 

Be grateful that you have found yourself in this situation and do not have children together, that is what will really rip your heart out. AND DON"T GET HER PREGNANT!

 

Good suggestion. Definitely good advice as well. She's such a damn good liar, or I am just too naive to see right through it all though. I will give it a shot though.

[Artie Lang]

you're most likely getting trickle-truthed, my friend. this is how cheaters often minimize their behavior. not until they're backs are up against the wall do they reveal the truth.

 

you really need to get to the bottom of this- the extent of the cheating - and if these other men are married and/or in a committed relationship, they're SO deserve to know what they've been up to. don't let anyone off the hook. there are consequences to be had.

[tomcook]

you're most likely getting trickle-truthed, my friend. this is how cheaters often minimize their behavior. not until they're backs are up against the wall do they reveal the truth.

 

you really need to get to the bottom of this- the extent of the cheating - and if these other men are married and/or in a committed relationship, they're SO deserve to know what they've been up to. don't let anyone off the hook. there are consequences to be had.

 

See, that's what I believe. She is VERY convincing with her account of things and says that she refused to reciprocate and she was not comfortable with it. For six months, that is one thing she has not budged on. Do you think it's true? Because I sure as hell don't know anymore.

[66Charger]

What are you looking for here?

[drifter777]

See, that's what I believe. She is VERY convincing with her account of things and says that she refused to reciprocate and she was not comfortable with it. For six months, that is one thing she has not budged on. Do you think it's true? Because I sure as hell don't know anymore.

 

We see stories like this over and over and EVERY time the truth is she had sex with all of them. Sex as dirty as all those movies that play in your mind.

 

No kids? Call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. From mow on she's dead to you. I say it will take one week for you to start feeling much better and a month from now you we be free of her. Your self-esteem will start healing and you will wonder why you believed any of her lies about this.

 

If you stay with her you will continue to suffer the pain, anger and humiliation that only another BH understands. You will never get the whole truth from her - never. You will continue to uncover more new and disgusting truths and each one will crush you. Don't put yourself through all of this for a woman who would toss your marriage out the window for a roll in the hay with three different guys. Because she was mad. Just walk away...

[sandylee1]

That's a good point DKT3. I wish I wasn't such a sympathetic fool sometimes. That's the thing. I know I am WAY too nice about it.

 

Time for you to read the book 'No more Mr nice guy '

 

Some awful women take advantage of nice guys. NOT all of them. Your wife is doing this because she knows you accept it. Whether actual intercourse happened, whilst important is really neither here nor there. The fact that I had men who weren't my H, pleasuring me would be MORE than enough for him to end our marriage.

 

Just like if he said 1 or 3 women gave him a good rubbing, that's NOT acceptable to me in any way shape or form. I'm the ONLY woman that should pleasure him that way.

 

Raise your standards in the qualities you want and expect in a wife.

[Morro72]

She is VERY convincing with her account of things and says that she refused to reciprocate and she was not comfortable with it. For six months, that is one thing she has not budged on. Do you think it's true? Because I sure as hell don't know anymore.

I'd be shocked if anybody on LS finds her account convincing. If she expects you to be convinced by it, that tells you something about what she thinks of you. That may be a lot harder to get past than the cheating.

[sandylee1]

Regardless of reciprocation, do you want a wife who allows other men to finger her?

 

If you focus on what she did to them, it makes it sound like you're okay with her being pleasured by OM. Why is that okay and if it's not what is she facing as a result ?

[qubist]

Tomcook: do not kill yourself overthinking this, you won't be able to move from this unless it's handled the right way. thinking too much about the whole story will only depress you even more. she is not going to confess what can't be proven because she has no idea what reconciliation is all about.

File for Divorce ASAP, and explain to her that you can't leave this way under the stress of insecurity, she will be mad at you first but if she really loves you she would try to do all necessary ti keep you.

file for D regardless of what you want do with her. if she doesn't care so be it, you have no kids just move on in your life , if she cares you will find out, and if both of you want to go on she will need to understand the step by step fo reconciliation

[fellini]

You need to stop thinking that your getting pissed had anything to do with her having an affair. She never wanted your permission, she never asked for it, so your arguing with her did not instigate anything. It just gave her one more completely false sense of security that she deserved to do it.

 

My WW told me after DDAy that something similar happened to her. She deliberately tried to provoke me to get mad about something, and when I didn't she got worried because it didn't give her a "justification" to be cheating over our "problems with communication".

 

Your partner made her decisions, all of them, including the decision to trickle truth you. If every time someone argued with their spouse meant they deserved to be cheated on there would be no institution of marriage left to any of us.

 

Yeah I would be more than happy to explain. It'll be a bit long though, so brace yourself. I am by all means not a perfect guy. I kiss her ass, and I never speak up when I should to keep the peace. This builds up, so when we do argue I get really upset and frustrated. Of course, I am always wrong, she is always right, and anything I say during an argument is interrupting or yelling. That out of the way. About a year and a half ago, she had been talking to a coworker. I realized she deleted a couple of messages about her a really good dancer blah blah, and I got pissed. I went through everything she had, and I finally broked down, told her to never do it again, and that it was all okay. However, right before I found out she cheated, I found out that she had been not only working with an ex-fling, but also flirting and texting guys like crazy. After the big argument in late January, she went to work the next day, and over the course of that few days, cheated on me with three different guys (last guy twice, totaling four episodes). On the episode before the last, I was expecting her to pick me up from my night class. She didn't show up, didn't answer, and finally said she was with a friend. I got pissed, didn't trust her, and started to walk home. When she finally picked me up on the way, I told her that I was angry and that I had many questions, but since our last argument I wanted to be a better man, and therefore I would forget about it. Well, the next day I looked at the phone records when she was out at school and realized she had been talking with the guy from a year and a half ago that night. Instead of confronting her, I waited until she got home. She told me she had just been flirting after a lot of pressure, and it took me an entire month aftert that of building evidence for her to finally admit that she was cheating, not flirting. Sadly, part of the trickle truth I received later was that on the night I was going to confront her with phone records, she was out cheating on me then, which makes the 4th episode I was talking about. What pisses me off about that is that it was after incident of leaving me stranded at school. She says it wasn't her intention on the last one. The guy just took advantage of her that time, but it still hurts like a bitch, because I had already shown good faith in not grilling her for leaving me stranded. Sorry, such a long confusing story, but I hope that helps.

[spanz1]

She is NOT telling you the truth.....not all of it. Read lots of threads here. Trickle truth. You will get bits and pieces as the days go by.

 

 

yes, that is why 6 months later, your gut is still telling you something was not right about her explanation. especially how she found multiple men to cheat with. She got laid, gave BJs, etc. that is very likely.