jen1447 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Bitter man - Haha, that's a point of no return category if I ever heard one. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I do not really think it is helpful to tell an abused person that she should own up to the responsibility for the havoc her ex-bf wreaked in her life. It is very easy to sit in judgement and say no self-aware, self-sufficient person would allow those things to happen, but that usually comes from someone who has never really suffered at the hands of controlling monsters who lure their victim in with normality and loveliness, to later use and abuse them. Monsters who turn perfectly normal balanced people into scared mice, afraid of their own shadow, scared mice that question their own sanity, scared mice that end up damaged physically and mentally. Most abused people have had enough blame and shame in their lives, their abuser will have done a good job there and many blame themselves too, so to suggest that the ex-bf needs exonerated from all blame and for Tood to take the sole responsibility for all that happened to her in her abusive relationship, back onto her shoulders, is probably not really helpful. It sounds good in theory, but in practice it is heaping "responsiblity" onto people who are often not really in a good enough place post- abuse to take that on fully. It is in essence victim blaming. So whilst I am all for self awareness and self sufficiency and moving forward with better boundaries, I am not in the camp that says abusers basically get a free pass, as the victim should have known better. thank you, Elaine. I was aghast when I read that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 (edited) Don't assume that what is dating and a relationship for you, is dating and relationship for another. Post that as a topic and see what responses you get. You may find more people understand the distinction between the two. Dating does not obligate anyone to anything. Committed/exclusive relationships do. Edited July 29, 2015 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 What I think the person is getting at is if women want the same sexual freedom as men. Playing the field, casual sex, etc they can't label those men they emulate dogs or pigs. Who says we want to label them? Playing the field and casual sex are not the same as "playing" another person, either. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 apparently, this is the reason why being bitter and resentful is a thousand, million, billion, trillion times worse if you are a guy, and I will admit, reading the answer pissed me off, it makes me feel at times in which I hate being born male at times, anyway, here is the answer: "I think it is because being bitter and resentful is similar to being bitchy and are unappealing feminine traits. David Deida writes about the importance of masculine & feminine polarity in relationships. A bitter and resentful man isn't going to turn on today's straight woman who responds to mature masculinity." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Plywoof Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 (edited) Who says we want to label them? Playing the field and casual sex are not the same as "playing" another person, either. It doesn't matter that you don't want to label them, society does. Being a man that's called a player is not positive. You are playing another person when playing the field or casually hooking up. Those people are being measured against each other until you find someone that you'd like to date seriously. I'm not judging the behavior and I find it perfectly acceptable since I did it myself. But it does have flaws. When your casually dating every flaw is magnified and it becomes easier just cast that person aside because you've got two people already lined for tomorrow and the next day. So why bother. And with Tinder and OL dating that pool increases by the thousands. Edited July 29, 2015 by Plywoof My grammar sucks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Look at what you wrote. Look at what I wrote. Look at what Elaine wrote. You're saying two different things now. You agreed with me that you do take responsibility for being in a less-than-happy 7 year relationship. Which is what I was stressing. Then when Elaine flipped it, you tried to get all theatrical. Two women that like to hear themselves sound right. Go right at it, ladies. You knew what I meant. You admitted it. (Though your original message doesn't sound at all like you take any responsibility.) Then, with Elaine's encouragement, you double-backed. I stick to my original prognosis. You need to be alone and sort some things out. Get over the anger against that 7 year relationship for starters. As it stands now, I believe you'd rather argue with a man than nurture and stand by him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 But I guess that's why hookers and escorts exist, in fact, I read that prostitution exists in a few other mammals too, such as chimpanzees, instead of money they use food in exchange for sex, and its been going on for humans since we were living in caves Link to post Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 And another one bites the dust. Lovely chap but pushed way to hard way too soon. I backed off. I was honest. Told him what I needed from him and how to do it so we could continue to see each other. Next minute, once again, I am getting the bitter nasty texts... My phone is going ten to the dozen with snide remarks... Why? Because I didn't respond within 10 minutes. I have a job. I am trying to get on with it. It was that bad that my bosses actually took my phone away so I could concentrate. Now whittled down to 3. Trainman is a long thing. Don't know if it will work out but we seem to want life to be the same way but there are a few fundamental differences that we both acknowledge so we are sticking with just friends while we work that out and get to know each other. Vollyman is just lovely. Very sweet. Am hopefully meeting him this weekend. Crazyguy. Is a nutter but actually really great. Found out last night he is a racing driver... Just slipped it into general conversation... Weird date. Started with us having to report an abusive driver... Good though. But something like "I race cars and am pretty bloody good at it" isn't that something you lead with? He was more interested in talking about his Dads birthday and his cat... Funny guy. Not at all PC. So yeah... Waiting for next one to get bitter and nasty. I doubt you'll listen to this advice, but the best way to avoid this in the future is to stop texting and do more phone calling for communication. I estimate over 50% of the problems that get presented on this forum could be resolved by doing this simple action. Having said that, I know you can't control other people's behavior, and I'm sorry to hear of your bad experiences. But you can choose to downsize a lot of confusion and guesswork in your life if you set boundaries around texting and opt for phone calls instead. Try it with the next three men you date and you'll see a big difference. Link to post Share on other sites
yxalitis Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Jeez what a disgusting attitude towards men. If I openly admitted I was multi dating women at the same time i'd be shot down in flames. The double standard is nauseating. It's no wonder there's so many players out there. If women are gonna act like this then players are gonna play. I really need to take a leaf out of OP's/Gaeta's book spin 4-5 'plates' at the same time until I pick the best one. And not feel a single ounce of guilt about it. Jesus Hudson, take a break man. We are talking about dating, not being in a relationship with these people. I am currently "dating" 4 woman, which means taking them out for dinner, drinks, getting to know them. It doesn't mean having sex with them...and heck, even if it DID, it's still OK until you and the other girl decide to "go exclusive" It's hard enough to find the right person, I will not wait the 4-6 weeks (or hours, admittedly) it takes to decide that the current one isn't working before starting to date the next one! I aint got time for that! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
yxalitis Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I doubt you'll listen to this advice, but the best way to avoid this in the future is to stop texting and do more phone calling for communication. I estimate over 50% of the problems that get presented on this forum could be resolved by doing this simple action. Having said that, I know you can't control other people's behavior, and I'm sorry to hear of your bad experiences. But you can choose to downsize a lot of confusion and guesswork in your life if you set boundaries around texting and opt for phone calls instead. Try it with the next three men you date and you'll see a big difference. I disagree... Just my personal experience, but the people I got along with best on phone calls, all turned out to be ...wrong... for so many reasons.. Rude date girl, crazy-joint smoking drunk girl, all were lovely and pleasant on the phone. The best advice is to lock that first date in...soon. try within a week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodaloo Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 I doubt you'll listen to this advice, but the best way to avoid this in the future is to stop texting and do more phone calling for communication. I estimate over 50% of the problems that get presented on this forum could be resolved by doing this simple action. Having said that, I know you can't control other people's behavior, and I'm sorry to hear of your bad experiences. But you can choose to downsize a lot of confusion and guesswork in your life if you set boundaries around texting and opt for phone calls instead. Try it with the next three men you date and you'll see a big difference. I actually much prefer phone calls to text. But it seems as though I am in the minority on that one. I would far rather speak to someone over the phone. Text to me is for information exchange not chatting. One of the chaps (Volleyball man) does speak on the phone sometimes. Probably once perhaps twice a week. The rest is text. The others want text not phone. *Shrug* The modern world we live in...??? Update. Stood up last night after he confirmed earlier in the day. Apparently he was called back into work... Mmmm... I reserve judgement on that. Dum dum dum - another one bites the dust... Trainman is having a tough time of it at the moment as well so he is coming round on Friday so we can cheer each other up. Apparently he likes spending time with me (at least someone does!!!) and he is fed up with chasing women and having women chase him. So we have a pleasant evening planned to help each other reboot. Will be great just to spend some time enjoying another persons company while not having to worry about romance and sticking your foot in it or does he like me does he not like me... It all just gets so tiresome after a while. Volleyball man is hoping to get some time this weekend but life for him is still up in the air so he doesn't want to book and let me down until he is sure he is going to make it. Its OK though. There are just no hard and fast rules to any of this. Everyone is different. I am not giving up but I am glad that its slowly whittling away so I can have some peace and quiet on my own again. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Aww stood up, sorry to hear that sux. So you and train man are just buddies or still dating? Sorry if i missed something. Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I am not giving up but I am glad that its slowly whittling away so I can have some peace and quiet on my own again.;););););) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodaloo Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Aww stood up, sorry to hear that sux. So you and train man are just buddies or still dating? Sorry if i missed something. Just buddies. Nothing more. I enjoy his company. He enjoys mine. We are both dating elsewhere and fully open about it. So just friends for now. Nothing more is expected, either now or in the future. I feel comfortable like that. So does he. Just quietly getting to know each other. He annoys me sometimes but I am sure I do the same to him! Better to be stood up now than later when I actually care. It is a shame as I did like him, I wanted to get to know him better. So in under a week we go from 4 to 2... and people say "multiple dating" is wrong... You have to actually get on dates to have multiple dating work!!! Pretty soon I am going to have a month or two of painting my nails, face packs, charity work and flopping on the sofa, farting with the dogs after going out for a run or for a ride on the old nag... Bliss. Its all good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Post that as a topic and see what responses you get. You may find more people understand the distinction between the two. Dating does not obligate anyone to anything. Committed/exclusive relationships do. 'Dating,' might quite obviously be different from culture to culture, and person to person. On this thread we can see differences in attitudes on multiple dating in the UK and USA, two countries with similar cultures. Not everyone in the world lives by the US definition of dating and relationships, let alone your definition. If you start seeing someone and automatically assume their values and beliefs are the same as yours, there might be a misunderstanding. In fact, your imposing your beliefs on other people. This could be solved by simple communication. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodaloo Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 'Dating,' might quite obviously be different from culture to culture, and person to person. On this thread we can see differences in attitudes on multiple dating in the UK and USA, two countries with similar cultures. Not everyone in the world lives by the US definition of dating and relationships, let alone your definition. If you start seeing someone and automatically assume their values and beliefs are the same as yours, there might be a misunderstanding. In fact, your imposing your beliefs on other people. This could be solved by simple communication. Can I add that "dating" also implies more than one date... Until it gets to the stage of at least a couple of dates then I do not consider it to be "dating", just going on a date... Perhaps that is the distinction? As you say communication really is the key. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 apparently, this is the reason why being bitter and resentful is a thousand, million, billion, trillion times worse if you are a guy, and I will admit, reading the answer pissed me off, it makes me feel at times in which I hate being born male at times, anyway, here is the answer: "I think it is because being bitter and resentful is similar to being bitchy and are unappealing feminine traits. David Deida writes about the importance of masculine & feminine polarity in relationships. A bitter and resentful man isn't going to turn on today's straight woman who responds to mature masculinity." That's what I don't like, unfortunately you can't change it, but its that men are supposed to enjoy and embrace being manly, masculine Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 That's what I don't like, unfortunately you can't change it, but its that men are supposed to enjoy and embrace being manly, masculine What is the problem with that, women are "supposed" to enjoy being feminine but if we don't want to nobody is making us, we can be as manly as we like and if you hate being manly and masculine, explore your feminine side with courage!! Nobody has to be a slave to society's norms!! :bunny: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I'm going to Loews my most recent dating history: -The Armenian X-Ray -The Redhead Psych -The Kentucky Derby -The Prada Handbag Woe, woes, the selection at Loews... I see nothing wrong with nicknames. How else are we supposed to keep them straight? Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 What is the problem with that, women are "supposed" to enjoy being feminine but if we don't want to nobody is making us, we can be as manly as we like and if you hate being manly and masculine, explore your feminine side with courage!! Nobody has to be a slave to society's norms!! :bunny: True but if I'm being manly, masculine and at the same time being bitter and resentful, women will sense it and not want me, and overall if I'm not manly or masculine, I won't be attractive to women unfortunately Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodaloo Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 True but if I'm being manly, masculine and at the same time being bitter and resentful, women will sense it and not want me, and overall if I'm not manly or masculine, I won't be attractive to women unfortunately Eh? Why can't you just look for a woman who appreciates that you like to explore your feminine side? Your putting barriers in the way yourself... Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 True but if I'm being manly, masculine and at the same time being bitter and resentful, women will sense it and not want me, Are you actually COMPLAINING that women won't "want" you because you are bitter and resentful??! Sorry but DUH! Who wants to spend any time with a bitter and resentful person? Manliness and all that aside, I mean, I don't hang around with any bitter and resentful girlfriends or anything, if that is what you are what you really need to do is to get some help to NOT be that way because it's just you standing in your own way. Also LOTS of girls like androgynous or even kind of feminine guys. If that is who you are just be who you are. Except for the bitter resentful part, get rid of that part post haste!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Are you actually COMPLAINING that women won't "want" you because you are bitter and resentful??! Sorry but DUH! Who wants to spend any time with a bitter and resentful person? Manliness and all that aside, I mean, I don't hang around with any bitter and resentful girlfriends or anything, if that is what you are what you really need to do is to get some help to NOT be that way because it's just you standing in your own way. Also LOTS of girls like androgynous or even kind of feminine guys. If that is who you are just be who you are. Except for the bitter resentful part, get rid of that part post haste!! Well I know from observation, a lot of men will be accepting of a woman that is bitter and resentful Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Well I know from observation, a lot of men will be accepting of a woman that is bitter and resentful I know right? In my observations I've never seen the reverse, like,never. It's such a double standard ugh!! Come on ladies. Go for the bitter and resentful men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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