So sad - sexless marriage

[autumnnight]

I do not see how she is hurting him, other than being a woman with feelings.

 

OP, I hope you find resolution. I never did, and I pretty much had to deal with it on my own, as being perfect or trying harder or getting over it seemed to be the only suggestions I ever received.

 

It's a lonely lonely business, having an actual sex drive and desiring the person who is supposed to love you......

 

And no, no excuse for cheating, no matter the surrounding circumstances, is justifiable.

 

I feel the same way about long term sexual refusal.

[Phoenician]

while reading this thread , I opened my mouth surprised may be ten or fiften times .

 

I was not surprised of what is happening to you ; and feel really very sorry for this; It is really hard .

 

I was surprised because there are so similarities in LD ppl (male/female) to an extent that they do exactly the same things irrespective of culture .

 

-they deny that the number of encounters is low;

-they just don't feel the urge .

-Females don't initiate ; and when they do it is just a toe move !

-they don't like to give ;even when satisified !

etc etc

 

OMG , how many ppl are suufering from incompatibilities ; I wish there is a way to prevent it , u love somebody for years and then Puff they are different after vows takes place ....

 

Sosa , I am a male in my forties and only ppl deprived from sex knows the amount of pain resulting from it ....

 

If I was a judge I would have classified it as a crime ...really .

 

I lived 17 years in a similar battle ; now I am becoming LD ! ; because even when i tried to cheat i escaped and didn't do it !

 

Anyway ; I just want to tell you few things :

-the more you tak about it , the less satisfied you will be .

 

I advise you to look at the original cause ; I suspect a personal disorder ; as a root cause ; it could be originating from some childhood trauma ...

 

tell me more about the behavior of your husband ;does he talk with you about his issues; is he open ; listens ?

[SummerDreams]

What I'd like to know, if the OP is willing to share, is, when you actually have sex, does he enjoy it? Does he ever say he misses it? Have you asked him why he thinks he is not interested in sex anymore, while in his youth he used to? It is really possible that the issue is something psychological, cause you haven't found any signs of getting it elsewhere (including porn). He has to visit a counselor, I know it's hard to convince someone who doesn't believe he has a problem to ask for help, but he needs to be convinced his wife, who he loves and wants to make happy, has a big problem and it has to be solved.

[oldshirt]

 

I have idea if this will work but maybe lay off the sex, sex talk, expectation, silent protest etc. for 6 months totally and see if he picks up the banner.

No passive aggression or pressure on him on your part whatsoever, affectionate, yes, any thing that could be seen as sexual initiation no.

Go about your work and your home life happily without a care in the world and see if he does anything about taking control of the sex.

Wait the full six months, it may take a while for the penny to drop.

If still nothing comes of it, you have your answer.

 

 

I actually agree with this.

 

It will not "Fix" him or make him more sexual.

 

What it will do is expose how asexual he really is and then she can decide if she wants to stay with him or not.

 

If he goes 6 months without lifting a finger to have sex, that means he is not a compatible partner for someone who does want to have an active sex life.

 

This is not a treatment or a cure to fix a problem. It is a diagnostic tool to determine how bad the situation is and is possibly a confirmation that they are hopelessly incompatible.

[Diezel]

So for those of you proposing the "6 month test", what do you propose she do after the 6 months? Have a deadline, show him ANOTHER spreadsheet, and say, "Hey, see, we had no sex in 6 months."

 

And then what?

 

I can't believe you guys are still proposing stuff like this. It's a WASTE of time. For some reason, I believe 100% that ANYONE proposing an idea like this is someone who has NOT been in a relationship with someone who is LD.

 

She's already suffering as it is for the past year... and the solution is... let's tack on another 6 months playing, "Let's see if he notices" game?

[SummerDreams]

So for those of you proposing the "6 month test", what do you propose she do after the 6 months? Have a deadline, show him ANOTHER spreadsheet, and say, "Hey, see, we had no sex in 6 months."

 

And then what?

 

I can't believe you guys are still proposing stuff like this. It's a WASTE of time. For some reason, I believe 100% that ANYONE proposing an idea like this is someone who has NOT been in a relationship with someone who is LD.

 

She's already suffering as it is for the past year... and the solution is... let's tack on another 6 months playing, "Let's see if he notices" game?

 

Yes cause that's what you do in a marriage for a person you chose to spend the rest of your life with; give chances and try to fix things rather than quit in a heartbeat. It's called "trying to save my marriage".

 

After six months she will have her clear answers and she will make the decision she has to make knowing that she did everything possible.

[autumnnight]

Yes cause that's what you do in a marriage for a person you chose to spend the rest of your life with; give chances and try to fix things rather than quit in a heartbeat. It's called "trying to save my marriage".

 

After six months she will have her clear answers and she will make the decision she has to make knowing that she did everything possible.

 

So how many chances? How many times do you put your heart out there to get it kicked aside? Is it just sex you need to suck it up and stay for, or everything? I do not see any indication that she is just flippantly throwing in the towel. Sounds to ME like she has BEEN trying.

[sosadaboutus]

So for those of you proposing the "6 month test", what do you propose she do after the 6 months? Have a deadline, show him ANOTHER spreadsheet, and say, "Hey, see, we had no sex in 6 months."

 

And then what?

 

I can't believe you guys are still proposing stuff like this. It's a WASTE of time. For some reason, I believe 100% that ANYONE proposing an idea like this is someone who has NOT been in a relationship with someone who is LD.

 

She's already suffering as it is for the past year... and the solution is... let's tack on another 6 months playing, "Let's see if he notices" game?

 

I agree, it won't accomplish anything, except 6 more months of no sex and the probably another confrontation/begging session.

 

However, I'm considering a version where I use this time to decide whether I stay and accept a sexless relationship or leave and possibly find a better partnership. I really don't want to leave, I love him so much. He's my best friend and I have a really hard time imagining my life without him. So, I definitely need time to decide what I want to do. I really don't think he'll change, unless he wants to. It has to start there, if it's going to happen.

[autumnnight]

What it will do is expose how asexual he really is and then she can decide if she wants to stay with him or not.

 

If he goes 6 months without lifting a finger to have sex, that means he is not a compatible partner for someone who does want to have an active sex life.

 

This is not a treatment or a cure to fix a problem. It is a diagnostic tool to determine how bad the situation is and is possibly a confirmation that they are hopelessly incompatible.

 

I absolutely agree.

[sosadaboutus]

What I'd like to know, if the OP is willing to share, is, when you actually have sex, does he enjoy it? Does he ever say he misses it? Have you asked him why he thinks he is not interested in sex anymore, while in his youth he used to? It is really possible that the issue is something psychological, cause you haven't found any signs of getting it elsewhere (including porn). He has to visit a counselor, I know it's hard to convince someone who doesn't believe he has a problem to ask for help, but he needs to be convinced his wife, who he loves and wants to make happy, has a big problem and it has to be solved.

 

When we do have sex, he enjoys it. He never says he misses it, unless I say I miss it. I have asked many times why he doesn't want sex as much as he used to, he says he just doesn't. He's convinced that it's been declining since his 20's and that its just the way it is. He doesn't give it anymore thought than that, from what he tells me.

[Diezel]

Yes cause that's what you do in a marriage for a person you chose to spend the rest of your life with; give chances and try to fix things rather than quit in a heartbeat. It's called "trying to save my marriage".

 

After six months she will have her clear answers and she will make the decision she has to make knowing that she did everything possible.

 

Do you even READ the thread?

She's been giving him chances. He doesn't WANT THEM.

 

Marriages aren't marriages of ONE person. He doesn't want to fix it. How is it going to work when she is the only one trying? That's not trying to save a marriage, that's called prolonging the inevitable.

 

If she wants to take 6 months, so be it, but the results are NOT going to change, no matter what any of you say that she needs to try for X,Y,Z reason. If anything, she can use 6 months to tidy up her personal affairs to move on.

 

It worries me sometimes, when I see people give advice based on over months and months of her trying on her own and then give her an additional timeline and when someone who has clear experience of being in a situation like this and says, HEY PROLONG YOUR AGONY BECAUSE MARRIAGE.

 

It's unfair to the OP, and you guys don't even understand HOW unfair. If the specific purpose of waiting 6 months is to measure any chance... all she'll accomplish is coming to the conclusion that she should have left 5 months sooner.

[xxoo]

When we do have sex, he enjoys it. He never says he misses it, unless I say I miss it. I have asked many times why he doesn't want sex as much as he used to, he says he just doesn't. He's convinced that it's been declining since his 20's and that its just the way it is. He doesn't give it anymore thought than that, from what he tells me.

 

Does he ever think, "I've got a wife with a sex drive and I should try to keep her happy"?

 

I wonder how he doesn't worry that you'll leave him. Does he care?

[Syberia]

I know you said he claims to have been tested, but he has not shown you his results. "Slowly declining" plus "just not interested but don't know why" still sounds like it could be a medical issue to me.

 

My wife and I were rocky sexually for a while, but I still had a huge sex drive, it was just directed at porn and not her. I would masturbate 4-5 times a day, and then pay no attention to her. To have the drive up and disappear completely does not sounds normal.

[Phoenician]

sosa

 

check BPD disorder , he might be one

[sosadaboutus]

Does he ever think, "I've got a wife with a sex drive and I should try to keep her happy"?

 

I wonder how he doesn't worry that you'll leave him. Does he care?

 

I wonder that, too. I think he's just in denial about how important this is to me.

[SummerDreams]

Do you even READ the thread?

She's been giving him chances. He doesn't WANT THEM.

 

 

She hasn't tried everything yet. They haven't even visited a counselor. Are you kidding me? People don't quit marriages that easily. Just cause in your situation nothing changed, we have no idea what COULD change in OP's situation after they take professional help and possibly find the root of the problem. I'm SUPPORTING the OP, not trying to make her suffer, thank you very much.

[Syberia]

I honestly don't see how a counselor will help in this situation. If he's just not horny - for anything - then talking about it isn't going to magically make him want sex.

[pteromom]

However, I'm considering a version where I use this time to decide whether I stay and accept a sexless relationship or leave and possibly find a better partnership. I really don't want to leave, I love him so much. He's my best friend and I have a really hard time imagining my life without him. So, I definitely need time to decide what I want to do. I really don't think he'll change, unless he wants to. It has to start there, if it's going to happen.

 

Have you tried just acting sexier - but NOT approaching him for sex? Like getting all dolled up and going out with some girlfriends, and having fun, and acting flirty, but not approaching him for sex or bringing it up at all? Maybe he would start to wonder if you are getting it elsewhere, or get a little scared that maybe you would? He needs something to kick him in the butt. He isn't going to change as things are, because obviously making you happier isn't enough motivation.

[SummerDreams]

I honestly don't see how a counselor will help in this situation. If he's just not horny - for anything - then talking about it isn't going to magically make him want sex.

 

As I have said before, I don't consider the lack of sex rather than the lack of interest from his part for his wife's needs the root of the problem, that's why I believe a counselor can help them put things in their relationship in order and open the door to solutions we can't imagine right now. Him not wanting sex seems to be something deeper than him not being horny, cause when actually have sex, he enjoys it. It's something in his mind that blocks his desire and need for sex and this has to come to the surface through counselling.

[xxoo]

I wonder that, too. I think he's just in denial about how important this is to me.

 

Explain the connection between making love and staying in love. Make it quite clear that, when you aren't given the opportunity to make love to him, your feelings of being "in love" slowly die.

[autumnnight]

If he were cheating would we encourage her to stay in it longer? Because while I know the gods of infidelity will roar....but years of knowing neglect is just as painful in the long run. It IS a betrayal.

[Syberia]

Have you tried just acting sexier - but NOT approaching him for sex? Like getting all dolled up and going out with some girlfriends, and having fun, and acting flirty, but not approaching him for sex or bringing it up at all? Maybe he would start to wonder if you are getting it elsewhere, or get a little scared that maybe you would? He needs something to kick him in the butt. He isn't going to change as things are, because obviously making you happier isn't enough motivation.

That could backfire. Creating the impression that she is cheating could damage the marriage even further, depending on his response.

[sosadaboutus]

That could backfire. Creating the impression that she is cheating could damage the marriage even further, depending on his response.

 

Yeah, it feels manipulative to me, and it's not something I'd feel comfortable doing. He's not the jealous type, anyway. Plus, I'm not feeling real sexy, right now.

[autumnnight]

Yeah, it feels manipulative to me, and it's not something I'd feel comfortable doing. He's not the jealous type, anyway. Plus, I'm not feeling real sexy, right now.

 

 

It is manipulative. Making a partner wonder if you are faithful, IMO, is a horrible idea in any situation.

[Syberia]

It is manipulative. Making a partner wonder if you are faithful, IMO, is a horrible idea in any situation.

Our marriage may not always be the greatest at times (but it's getting much better), but if I ever felt like I had to directly compete with someone else for the woman I already "won," or that she was trying to make me feel this way, the last thing I'd want to do is play into her hand. I'd be angry, resentful, and all those marriage-ending feelings.