pteromom Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 And the low-drive person doesn't realize it, but it's emotional abuse in a way and it eats at your very core. Some low-drive people try very hard to find balance and make an effort. I just want to make sure everyone understands that low-drive doesn't equal a manipulative "bait and switch" abuser. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Some low-drive people try very hard to find balance and make an effort. I just want to make sure everyone understands that low-drive doesn't equal a manipulative "bait and switch" abuser. But if the balance came from making an effort during courtship and that effort stops after marriage begins, isn't the approach somewhat deceptive? Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Some low-drive people try very hard to find balance and make an effort. I just want to make sure everyone understands that low-drive doesn't equal a manipulative "bait and switch" abuser. If the couple is only having sex 6 times a year while dating and the low drive person is being upfront that they have no interest in sex while they are dating, then I would buy that is doesn't equal bait and switch. I have the feeling that very very rarely happens while dating though. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Some low-drive people try very hard to find balance and make an effort. I just want to make sure everyone understands that low-drive doesn't equal a manipulative "bait and switch" abuser. I agree there is a big difference between low drive and abusers who use sex as a weapon, whose main aim is to demolish a person's self esteem and control them. Low drive is about who a person is fundamentally. Their low drive will be at the same level, no matter how "hot" their partner is, no matter how much they love someone, no matter how they are feeling. It has nothing to do with anyone else, they do not use sex as a weapon, it is genuinely simply not that important to them. In contrast to an abuser who sees sex as a way of controlling someone or making them miserable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Low drive is about who a person is fundamentally. Their low drive will be at the same level, no matter how "hot" their partner is, no matter how much they love someone, no matter how they are feeling. It has nothing to do with anyone else, they do not use sex as a weapon, it is genuinely simply not that important to them. I agree, which is why they need to be gut level honest while dating and not "fake it" until they get married. There are enough LD people out there that an LD woman can find an LD man or vice versa instead of expecting a HD person to just suck it up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 It has nothing to do with anyone else, they do not use sex as a weapon Okay, however they do USE sex, since most agree that the courtship phase involves more sex typically than the dramatic decline after marriage, true? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 Has he ever said why his sex drive has lowered? Is he able to pinpoint a cause or is he even aware himself of what is going on within him? Has he started taking any new medications or is there any chance he could have a low level of depression? If so, therapy may be really useful to him, not just in terms of sex but in terms of his overall mental well being. No, he's never said why. I don't think he has done much exploration of the "why". He says that it's been declining since his 20's, but that wasn't this low until the last couple of years. No new medications, but it's possible he might be depressed and not know it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 Who is finding the therapist and will you be going to MC or something specializing in sexuality? Were this posted by a man, there would be many responses asking him if he's meeting her needs outside the bedroom. Doesn't seem unfair to ask her the same questions... Mr. Lucky I'll probably be the one to find the therapist. I think we're going to try MC first, as I think this is an emotional/relationship issue. I'm thinking it stems from his need to control everything. We've touched a little on meeting his non-sexual needs. I'm constantly thinking about his needs outside the bedroom, and in, for that matter. I'm considerate and I care deeply for his happiness in our life together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 Have you tried doing something different down there and showing him to see if he reacts? Like - letting hair grow if you usually wax, or waxing if you usually don't? I've done it all, hair, no hair, a little hair. Doesn't seem to make a difference, although I do know his preference and usually maintain that. Right now, I feel I'm done jumping through hoops to get him to want me again. If he's interested in saving our marriage, he'll have to make more of an effort in this department. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 I'll probably be the one to find the therapist. I think we're going to try MC first, as I think this is an emotional/relationship issue. I'm thinking it stems from his need to control everything. I'm trying to wrap my head around denying himself (and you ) sex to prove a point. Doubt I have that much willpower. We've touched a little on meeting his non-sexual needs. I'm constantly thinking about his needs outside the bedroom, and in, for that matter. I'm considerate and I care deeply for his happiness in our life together. Outside the bedroom, does he reciprocate? Does he do the big and little things a spouse does to show love and appreciation? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 I'm trying to wrap my head around denying himself (and you ) sex to prove a point. Doubt I have that much willpower. Deliberately witholding sex is recognised as form of sexual abuse. It reduces self worth and makes a woman feel unattractive and 'less of a woman'. Some abusers can take or leave sex, so it is of no import to them, some get more satisfaction withholding than actually having sex. Some abusers have odd attitudes to sex, sex to them may be "dirty", so a woman wanting sex is a whore and disgusting. Withholding sex from such a woman is therefore what she deserves. Most want control, so reducing a woman comfortable in her own skin to a wreck gives them a boost. It also needs said that whilst some will deny their partner sex, they will cheat with other women or other "whores" depending on their particular thought processes. (Disclaimer: This thread is about a woman being denied sex, men can also be denied sex) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Some low-drive people try very hard to find balance and make an effort. I just want to make sure everyone understands that low-drive doesn't equal a manipulative "bait and switch" abuser. I understand that perfectly well. You described your scenario and that is different than a lot of many other cases in which the LD doesn't recognize it or just gets to a point that they don't care. Some LD people just use choreplay or other excuses when before marriage, they were insatiable sexual beasts. As soon as that marriage certificate was signed and a kid was popped out, BOOM, bait and switch. I would never say that this is an absolute and happens 100% of the times. But it is something that can be qualified and can be dealt with even after marriage. My problem is when people try to convince themselves that they can "fix" the LD person when the LD person clearly doesn't want to be fixed. That's a WHOLE other issue. In order to make this work, BOTH people need to want to change it. In the OP's case, it's clear that this is a one-sided deal. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 I've done it all, hair, no hair, a little hair. Doesn't seem to make a difference, although I do know his preference and usually maintain that. Right now, I feel I'm done jumping through hoops to get him to want me again. If he's interested in saving our marriage, he'll have to make more of an effort in this department. That's fair. That seems like a reasonable outlook to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coryreply Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 I'm glad to hear you guys are trying therapy. I hope it will help your marriage. It sounds like it may take a few sessions before your husband will be ready to really open up. Let me encourage you to be patient through that process as this can be a difficult subject matter for men to open up about. It's especially difficult if the LD is stemming from deep, emotional trauma or abuse from earlier in life. Best of luck to you both! Link to post Share on other sites
hudson701 Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Put a young, nubile 22 year old in his bed and he'll soon feel the fresh air of youth again. Link to post Share on other sites
hudson701 Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Or failing that a 12 week course of steroids- a basic testosterone and some heavy weight training. His sex drive will be through the roof then and be very difficult to control. I loved the feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 I'm in the middle of reading this thread and I have some questions. Have you made a deep discussion about how sex makes him feel? How he sees it. Does the intimacy make him feel good or he prefers other ways of intimacy? Was there an incident in his life that made him feel sex is (X adjective here)? Does he enjoy it? Does he have a fantasy or something he wants to try in sex? Does he realize how important it is to his wife? In general, I'd like to know (since you are willing of course to make these answers known) if you have had a deep discussion, without blaming or accusing him, just expressing your feelings. Other than that, when you DO have sex, does he seem to enjoy it? Is he willing to try new things or he is just stuck in one - two known things? How does he act before and after sex? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Put a young, nubile 22 year old in his bed and he'll soon feel the fresh air of youth again. Grow up, that is extremely disrespectful to the OP. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
hudson701 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Grow up, that is extremely disrespectful to the OP. Elaine, I do love your commentary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 Put a young, nubile 22 year old in his bed and he'll soon feel the fresh air of youth again. Well, the point of all this is for more sex together, not with someone else, whatever their age. Come join us back in reality from pornland, if you have anything constructive to contribute. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 I'm in the middle of reading this thread and I have some questions. Have you made a deep discussion about how sex makes him feel? How he sees it. Does the intimacy make him feel good or he prefers other ways of intimacy? Was there an incident in his life that made him feel sex is (X adjective here)? Does he enjoy it? Does he have a fantasy or something he wants to try in sex? Does he realize how important it is to his wife? In general, I'd like to know (since you are willing of course to make these answers known) if you have had a deep discussion, without blaming or accusing him, just expressing your feelings. Other than that, when you DO have sex, does he seem to enjoy it? Is he willing to try new things or he is just stuck in one - two known things? How does he act before and after sex? I have tried to discuss all of these things, but he refuses to talk about. any of it. I've expressed how important it is to me, but it doesn't seem to get through. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 I have tried to discuss all of these things, but he refuses to talk about. any of it. I've expressed how important it is to me, but it doesn't seem to get through. Don't you think THIS is the real problem in your relationship then? The disability to communicate and his lack of interest for your needs? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Don't you think THIS is the real problem in your relationship then? The disability to communicate and his lack of interest for your needs? Communication is only a piece of the puzzle. Communication may be important but it doesn't make people horny. I'm talking in general here and just just specifically to this situation. Even when low desire spouses know and understand how important sex is to the other, that understanding doesn't turn into desire or hornyness. It doesn't make them want to have sex. It doesn't make them have more passion or more intimacy. It doesn't make them good in bed. Communication can help if there is some kind of desire killer taking place like BO or bad breath or something. But it doesn't generate desire, attraction or libido in the person that has none. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Don't you think THIS is the real problem in your relationship then? The disability to communicate and his lack of interest for your needs? Of course, if he was interested in her needs......he'd, um, need to have sex...regularly, consistently, long term. Not talk about it. Do it. So then we're back to sex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Communication is only a piece of the puzzle. Communication may be important but it doesn't make people horny. I'm talking in general here and just just specifically to this situation. Even when low desire spouses know and understand how important sex is to the other, that understanding doesn't turn into desire or hornyness. It doesn't make them want to have sex. It doesn't make them have more passion or more intimacy. It doesn't make them good in bed. Communication can help if there is some kind of desire killer taking place like BO or bad breath or something. But it doesn't generate desire, attraction or libido in the person that has none. What I wanted to say was that her marriage has bigger problems she has to concentrate on other than the lack of sex life. It's like talking about missing the money to buy a dress when you don't even have the money to buy food. In my opinion she should focus on solving the communication problems and the lack of her husband's interest in her needs and after these issues are solved successfully, then she can start worrying about the low sex drive of her husband. What I think will happen is that these important issues will not be solved and she will divorce him about them, and not for his low sex drive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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