So sad - sexless marriage

[autumnnight]

BUT, the fact he has a partner now, should be his cue to step up to the plate regularly whether he likes it or not.

However, some people are straight down the middle, if they don't feel it or want it, they don't do it and I guess that applies to sex too.

 

You nailed it. For people who have the attitude "if it isn't important to ME, it isn't important," they just won't do it, and they will not only come up with all sorts of reasons that is fine, they will berate anyone who makes their position feel uncomfortable. In other words, proving what they believe to be "right" or "wrong" is more important than the feelings and needs of the person right in front of them.

[Bohonia]

I would ask if he is okay with you getting your needs met elsewhere. Be open with him, but if the roles were reversed and you were holding out the chances of him looking elsewhere is kind of accepted. It works both ways you have needs, it could be sexual or it could be something as important as being touched and hugged by another person.

[bachdude]

Am I detecting a misunderstanding in the direction of the conversation?

 

As I understand it we were talking about whether a guy needs sex to feel intimate with a woman. This came, I think, as a result of my comment that maybe there is deeper problem with the relationship blocking the intimacy between the OP and her husband. Then oldshirt said that a guy needs sex to feel intimate in the first place. This was followed by the comment by SummerDreams that men fell in love all the time with women in the past without sex.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I can certainly be emotionally intimate with a woman before sex. And I can feel this connection without sex happening. I know I can fall in love with a woman without sex as well.

 

If I feel this connection and I also have romantic feelings for her, absolutely, no doubt, I will start yearning to be physically intimate with her as well. In fact, the emotional intimacy will add huge fuel to the fire! And then the physical intimacy will make the bond even stronger. And then the regular sex helps to maintain the emotional intimacy. Emotional and physical intimacy are very intertwined and in my mind cannot be separated.

 

If I felt very connected with a woman and she refused sex, it would be extremely difficult to take. I can't imagine what that would feel like.

 

But, if there are unresolved issues in a relationship that are severe enough, that cause a huge wall, it becomes more difficult for me to have the same physical interest. This was the point of my post earlier about the OPs husband. But it would be my responsibility to bring it up and work it out to the best of my ability and to give my wife what she needs while the problem is being worked out.

 

So for me, in order the have the physical intimacy going strong, I need to work to keep the relationship very healthy and I need someone who is really willing to do their side of the work.

 

For me, emotional intimacy is ultimately the foundation for any healthy relationship and the foundation for the physical side as well.

Edited April 17, 2015 by bachdude

[Diezel]

I can only speak for myself, but I can certainly be emotionally intimate with a woman before sex. And I can feel this connection without sex happening. I know I can fall in love with a woman without sex as well.

 

Would you feel the same if you never had sex with her? Or if you knew you were never going to have sex with her?

 

Or if it was going to be WAY less than expected?

[bachdude]

Would you feel the same if you never had sex with her? Or if you knew you were never going to have sex with her?

 

Or if it was going to be WAY less than expected?

 

If the sex was refused than it would be very damaging.

 

If I knew I would never have sex with her, than it would be a major problem too.

 

If it was way less than expected, I may be able to adjust depending on the reason for this and just how infrequently it happened.

 

But for me, sex is important, not just for the physical part but for the health of the relationship.

[Orange floor]

Gosh I do feel for you for I know only too well. I should have realized before we married for months before the wedding my to be wife had an affair right up till weeks before the wedding. That did not cloud my going into the marriage. We still had five children, we have completed 43 years of relationship for it is not marriage. We have had sexual contact around 200 times in those 43 years. Most guys would have walked but lots conspired to stop that taking place, my belief, miss guided pride stubbornness and loyalty. The sense of not being seen to fail. I am now in my 66 year and i find out that the reason we had so little [almost non existent sexual contact] was that my wife thought I did not love her. I was not romantic enough.

 

Now you are in your forties for gods sake do not do what I did and think it will not damage you - get out there and make new friends, drink life while its fizzing cos the bubbles need shaking. my settling for a sexless marriage was as culpably wrong as my wife's action to put a stop on sexual contact.

 

Do not try to understand his reasons or accept them get on with your life for your own self worth

 

do not be the statistic i am going to be

 

A man living a life in silent desperation and going to his grave with a song still to be sung

[sosadaboutus]

Gosh I do feel for you for I know only too well. I should have realized before we married for months before the wedding my to be wife had an affair right up till weeks before the wedding. That did not cloud my going into the marriage. We still had five children, we have completed 43 years of relationship for it is not marriage. We have had sexual contact around 200 times in those 43 years. Most guys would have walked but lots conspired to stop that taking place, my belief, miss guided pride stubbornness and loyalty. The sense of not being seen to fail. I am now in my 66 year and i find out that the reason we had so little [almost non existent sexual contact] was that my wife thought I did not love her. I was not romantic enough.

 

Now you are in your forties for gods sake do not do what I did and think it will not damage you - get out there and make new friends, drink life while its fizzing cos the bubbles need shaking. my settling for a sexless marriage was as culpably wrong as my wife's action to put a stop on sexual contact.

 

Do not try to understand his reasons or accept them get on with your life for your own self worth

 

do not be the statistic i am going to be

 

A man living a life in silent desperation and going to his grave with a song still to be sung

 

That's so heartbreaking to read. I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story, I wish you the best. I believe it's never too late to live life to the fullest, but maybe that is another thread. (Can you hijack your own thread?) My mother is in a similar position, actually. But it seems she's resigned herself to a less than satisfying life and marriage. My marriage has it's satisfying parts, just not the sexual frequency. Hugs to you.

[sosadaboutus]

So, there is some sign of him coming toward me on this issue. Last night, he spontaneously took me out for dinner and then when we returned home, he initiated intimacy. I've not said anything about the issue to him since our last talk on the subject, a couple of weeks ago. I'm trying to keep realistic expectations about this though.

 

I appreciate all the challenging viewpoints, opinions and personal experiences you all have related to me; it means a lot.

 

My basic plan remains the same, he's got a chance this year to come toward me on this issue, I'm done nagging him on it. If he can't be bothered, I'll be evaluating my options including leaving, requesting an open marriage situation (not sure if this is for me, but I won't rule it out, yet), or accepting it and living with it (ditto on this option).

[Pastypop]

I have a relationship like this also. It has been this way for 12 years and he ran hot and cold for 9 years before that. Not sure if this helps but here's how I cope with it.

1. Join meetup groups. They have meetups groups for everything such as travel groups, dinner groups, beer drinking groups, happy hours, hiking and anything you can think of. I go out at least once a week with them and take a nice trip with the travel group once a year. I've made a lot of good friends.

 

2. Takes classes such as golf or cooking. Do something fun that you really enjoy.

 

3. Go back to school and get a degree

 

4. Work on your career.

 

5. Work out, do yoga or something like that to get out the built up aggression. I take a self-defense class. He goes to my class sometimes and the trainer suits him up and has him act like my attacker. I get to punch, kick and hit my husband for a solid hour without any repercussions. Now that really takes out the frustration.

 

6. Throw out all your cotton underwear and buy all sexy stuff. That way you still feel beautiful everyday no matter what.

 

7. Do housework in the nude because you just feel like it. Don't make any moves on him though. Just act like he isn't even there.

 

8. Take care of yourself and wear pretty things. Flirt and smile a little when out shopping. The attention will make you feel better.

 

9. When your spouse is being extremely cold and distant, turn on an episode of Snapped, Wives with Knives of something like that. Settle in with some soda, cookies or whatever your favorite foods are. Talk about how much you like the show.

 

10. Find out what annoys him and do it constantly. I leave my half full soda cans out. That drives him up the wall.

 

11. Never bring up his issues of lack of sex or any of the rest again. Just leave him sitting at home by himself or with the kids while you enjoy life.

 

12. If you don't feel like taking card of kids or doing housework, then by all means, Don't.

 

13. Get a tattoo or just do something out of character and unexpected.

 

14. Buy something nice for yourself with his money.

 

These are a just a few things I could come up with. They help me quite a bit.

[elaine567]

5. Work out, do yoga or something like that to get out the built up aggression. I take a self-defense class. He goes to my class sometimes and the trainer suits him up and has him act like my attacker. I get to punch, kick and hit my husband for a solid hour without any repercussions. Now that really takes out the frustration.

 

 

Good suggestions for life in general, but Number 5 beats them all. LOL!

[Pastypop]

I thought of two more things:

 

1. Get a huge, fluffy body pillow and put it between the two of you in bed. Cuttle up with that at night.

 

2. When he's speaking to you, surf your phone and don't pay attention to him.

 

When he finally confronts you about your behavior if he even does, just act stupid and tell him you have no idea what he is talking about. Just tell him this is just how you are.

[autumnnight]

I can understand why some of the things on that list might feel good and vindicating, but here is one reason I would advise against them:

 

Being sex starved is a strange thing. Neglect any other need, and people (especially women) wig out about how unfair it is not to have X need met.

 

BUT

 

If you are sex starved, everything (EVERYTHING) you do or do not do, say or do not say, think or do not think, will come under the microscope in the search for a scapegoat. If you act unkind and passive aggressive, then all you have done is give your spouse and other insensitive people the chane to say, "See! No wonder he/she doesn't want sex!!"

 

Basically, being perfect won't get you sex, but you pretty much have to be perfect to get across the board sympathy.

[bachdude]

I have a relationship like this also. It has been this way for 12 years and he ran hot and cold for 9 years before that. Not sure if this helps but here's how I cope with it.

1. Join meetup groups. They have meetups groups for everything such as travel groups, dinner groups, beer drinking groups, happy hours, hiking and anything you can think of. I go out at least once a week with them and take a nice trip with the travel group once a year. I've made a lot of good friends.

 

2. Takes classes such as golf or cooking. Do something fun that you really enjoy.

 

3. Go back to school and get a degree

 

4. Work on your career.

 

5. Work out, do yoga or something like that to get out the built up aggression. I take a self-defense class. He goes to my class sometimes and the trainer suits him up and has him act like my attacker. I get to punch, kick and hit my husband for a solid hour without any repercussions. Now that really takes out the frustration.

 

6. Throw out all your cotton underwear and buy all sexy stuff. That way you still feel beautiful everyday no matter what.

 

7. Do housework in the nude because you just feel like it. Don't make any moves on him though. Just act like he isn't even there.

 

8. Take care of yourself and wear pretty things. Flirt and smile a little when out shopping. The attention will make you feel better.

 

9. When your spouse is being extremely cold and distant, turn on an episode of Snapped, Wives with Knives of something like that. Settle in with some soda, cookies or whatever your favorite foods are. Talk about how much you like the show.

 

10. Find out what annoys him and do it constantly. I leave my half full soda cans out. That drives him up the wall.

 

11. Never bring up his issues of lack of sex or any of the rest again. Just leave him sitting at home by himself or with the kids while you enjoy life.

 

12. If you don't feel like taking card of kids or doing housework, then by all means, Don't.

 

13. Get a tattoo or just do something out of character and unexpected.

 

14. Buy something nice for yourself with his money.

 

These are a just a few things I could come up with. They help me quite a bit.

 

Wow, some of these just drip passive aggressive! Ouch!

[oldshirt]

I have a relationship like this also. It has been this way for 12 years and he ran hot and cold for 9 years before that. Not sure if this helps but here's how I cope with it.

1. Join meetup groups. They have meetups groups for everything such as travel groups, dinner groups, beer drinking groups, happy hours, hiking and anything you can think of. I go out at least once a week with them and take a nice trip with the travel group once a year. I've made a lot of good friends.

 

2. Takes classes such as golf or cooking. Do something fun that you really enjoy.

 

3. Go back to school and get a degree

 

4. Work on your career.

 

5. Work out, do yoga or something like that to get out the built up aggression. I take a self-defense class. He goes to my class sometimes and the trainer suits him up and has him act like my attacker. I get to punch, kick and hit my husband for a solid hour without any repercussions. Now that really takes out the frustration.

 

6. Throw out all your cotton underwear and buy all sexy stuff. That way you still feel beautiful everyday no matter what.

 

7. Do housework in the nude because you just feel like it. Don't make any moves on him though. Just act like he isn't even there.

 

8. Take care of yourself and wear pretty things. Flirt and smile a little when out shopping. The attention will make you feel better.

 

9. When your spouse is being extremely cold and distant, turn on an episode of Snapped, Wives with Knives of something like that. Settle in with some soda, cookies or whatever your favorite foods are. Talk about how much you like the show.

 

10. Find out what annoys him and do it constantly. I leave my half full soda cans out. That drives him up the wall.

 

11. Never bring up his issues of lack of sex or any of the rest again. Just leave him sitting at home by himself or with the kids while you enjoy life.

 

12. If you don't feel like taking card of kids or doing housework, then by all means, Don't.

 

13. Get a tattoo or just do something out of character and unexpected.

 

14. Buy something nice for yourself with his money.

 

These are a just a few things I could come up with. They help me quite a bit.

 

 

Seems like a lot of work ( not to mentions tons of passive agressiveness and just plain meanness)

 

Or she could let him do as he pleases and she can find one of the 3 billion men on earth who really want to have a sex life and take up with one of them.

[Mr. Lucky]

Seems like a lot of work ( not to mentions tons of passive agressiveness and just plain meanness)

 

Amen. Hate to be a kid in that house - can you imagine the tension and drama when Mommy and Daddy work so hard at oneupmanship?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Michelle ma Belle]

You nailed it. For people who have the attitude "if it isn't important to ME, it isn't important," they just won't do it, and they will not only come up with all sorts of reasons that is fine, they will berate anyone who makes their position feel uncomfortable. In other words, proving what they believe to be "right" or "wrong" is more important than the feelings and needs of the person right in front of them.

 

THIS was exactly true of my ex husband.

 

How do I know this? Because he told me AFTER we separated. We sat down and made peace with things and found our closure and he admitted that he didn't realize just how important sex/intimacy was to me or to our marriage until it was too late.

 

I found that admission to be very ironic given the years of pleading and crying and yelling and passive aggressive behavior and therapy and he didn't GET IT! Only when I found the courage to put an end to the madness NOW he realizes he may have had it wrong?

 

Maddening and saddening all at the same time

[Thicke2013]

THIS was exactly true of my ex husband.

 

How do I know this? Because he told me AFTER we separated. We sat down and made peace with things and found our closure and he admitted that he didn't realize just how important sex/intimacy was to me or to our marriage until it was too late.

 

I found that admission to be very ironic given the years of pleading and crying and yelling and passive aggressive behavior and therapy and he didn't GET IT! Only when I found the courage to put an end to the madness NOW he realizes he may have had it wrong?

 

Maddening and saddening all at the same time

 

 

This sounds like my ex as well. When she would get mad at me for trying to initiate sex I would ask, "what's so wrong with me trying to have sex with my wife for crying out loud!" LOL To make matters worse, when I finally filed for divorce after 10+ years of this I came home from work one day to her dressed in some sexy lingerie. Utterly pissed me off! It wasn't just the sex though. Like another poster said earlier, it was intimacy all around. Once I decided to stop making the effort we went for 2 solid weeks and never touched. Not a kiss good night, not a hug bye, nothing for 2 solid weeks!

 

 

I am now remarried and couldn't be happier! My current wife and I are extremely affectionate and have so many intimate moments that don't include sex but at the same time we have sex everyday, sometimes 2-3 times a day! My only regret was not leaving sooner.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I didn't read all the replies.

 

 

Was he sexually abused as a kid?

 

 

Does he still get morning wood?

 

 

What happens if you take the initiative & do stuff like rubbing your boobs in his face or grabbing his cock & stroking him?

 

 

Is he very religious?

 

 

Any chance he is gay & you haven't picked up the signs?

 

 

Most healthy guys want sex quite a lot.

[Phoenician]

I have a strong belief that so many of us in their denial phase ; try to convince themselves that the partner issue is physical ; because we want to believe that a shot will cure the issue .

 

Unfortunately , most LD are selfish , irrespective of the cause , they are so different that those who have physical issues .

 

If my wife provided me some intimacy for 20 mn per week , you wouldn't have found me here .

 

We reached the point of seperation many times ; not because of just intimacy , it is also because of respect and givology .

 

They go together ,if your partner is not selfish and respect you , he/she should respect your desires , when those normal desires are neglected , it is not just an LD issue ; it that they are so selfish to an extent that they do not want to sacrifice .

 

in one of your posts you mentioned giving him oral , was that your favorite ? no , you did it to satisfy him ; yet he is selfish ...

 

I hope I am wrong , And wish from inside mty heart that the intimacy he offered recently is continuous ; from my experience with such ppl , they just sacrifice very few time , just to keep the partner hanging .

 

You need to verify - that he respect you enough to sacrifice ...

 

I might be from another world , but a partner can (if not selfish )- satisfy the other no matter what physical defficiency is exists ,

 

if my wife has medical issues , I can be even more than satisfied without PIV ; I just need to be respected for my desires...

Edited May 15, 2015 by Phoenician

[Michelle ma Belle]

This sounds like my ex as well. When she would get mad at me for trying to initiate sex I would ask, "what's so wrong with me trying to have sex with my wife for crying out loud!" LOL To make matters worse, when I finally filed for divorce after 10+ years of this I came home from work one day to her dressed in some sexy lingerie. Utterly pissed me off! It wasn't just the sex though. Like another poster said earlier, it was intimacy all around. Once I decided to stop making the effort we went for 2 solid weeks and never touched. Not a kiss good night, not a hug bye, nothing for 2 solid weeks!

 

 

I am now remarried and couldn't be happier! My current wife and I are extremely affectionate and have so many intimate moments that don't include sex but at the same time we have sex everyday, sometimes 2-3 times a day! My only regret was not leaving sooner.

 

Two weeks? HA! Try 4+ years of ZERO affection of any kind!! Like you, the moment I stop making an effort to physically connect with my ex on even in the most innocent ways, it all stopped

 

Of course, being resentful certainly doesn't help matters either.

 

Thankfully I've met my perfect match in my current partner and I've never been happier.

 

There is always a silver lining if you're willing to take the leap.