Author sosadaboutus Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 Or his loves her in his own selfish way. Or he's a procrastinator. Or he's in denial. None of these are personality disorders... Mr. Lucky I think he just loves me in his own, selfish way, and sex just isn't important to him. Therefore, he can't see how important it is to me. He's never had a really long term relationship before, so I don't think he's ever had to consider a partner's feelings, for very long. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 I think he just loves me in his own, selfish way, and sex just isn't important to him. Therefore, he can't see how important it is to me. He's never had a really long term relationship before, so I don't think he's ever had to consider a partner's feelings, for very long. He is 49 years old and never married or in a long time relationship before? How come? I find it weird and I'd had investigated this issue way more that you apparently did. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 I think he just loves me in his own, selfish way, and sex just isn't important to him. Therefore, he can't see how important it is to me. He's never had a really long term relationship before, so I don't think he's ever had to consider a partner's feelings, for very long. Sosad : I still suspect a Personnel disorder . or he might be into a chronic depression he takes you for granted ; I am not sure if it is his fault only or both your faults ; let me ask you smthing : In the years of marriage , did you have common things ; do you respect each other ; do you have hobbies together ? Is the intimacy they only time you are close to each other ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 He is 49 years old and never married or in a long time relationship before? How come? I find it weird and I'd had investigated this issue way more that you apparently did. How should I investigated it? Interrogated friends and family? It's not like there's some data warehouse with the info that I could go look it up. Of course, I asked him about it. He said he had been immature and picky and essentially just wasn't ready for commitment, previously. Also, he was 43 when we started dating, so he has been in this relationship for 6 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 I think he just loves me in his own, selfish way, and sex just isn't important to him. Therefore, he can't see how important it is to me. He's never had a really long term relationship before, so I don't think he's ever had to consider a partner's feelings, for very long. Sex is everywhere in our culture. TV shows, movies, commercials, billboards.... He can't exact feign ignorance as a 49 year old man that he didn't anticipate sex being part of a marriage. He KNOWS, and he's avoiding, avoiding, avoiding, and hoping it will go away. What happens during a TV show, for instance, when the subject of sex comes up? Do you two just ignore the elephant in the room? He's hoping that you'll just stop asking, and be satisfied without. You need to make it quite clear that won't happen, sit face to face, and ask him what the two of you should do about it. Tell him that you aren't willing to live without sex , and ask him what he suggests you do about it. Get real with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 Sosad : I still suspect a Personnel disorder . or he might be into a chronic depression he takes you for granted ; I am not sure if it is his fault only or both your faults ; let me ask you smthing : In the years of marriage , did you have common things ; do you respect each other ; do you have hobbies together ? Is the intimacy they only time you are close to each other ? We do lots of things together, intimacy is not the only time we spend together. We love to travel, camp, watch football and wine/food tasting. I respect him, not sure if that is mutual, though. Most of the time I feel he respects me, but doesn't seem to respect my feelings in this area. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 Sex is everywhere in our culture. TV shows, movies, commercials, billboards.... He can't exact feign ignorance as a 49 year old man that he didn't anticipate sex being part of a marriage. He KNOWS, and he's avoiding, avoiding, avoiding, and hoping it will go away. What happens during a TV show, for instance, when the subject of sex comes up? Do you two just ignore the elephant in the room? He's hoping that you'll just stop asking, and be satisfied without. You need to make it quite clear that won't happen, sit face to face, and ask him what the two of you should do about it. Tell him that you aren't willing to live without sex , and ask him what he suggests you do about it. Get real with him. It's very uncomfortable when a sex scene comes on in a movie or tv show, at least for me. I have told him I won't live in a sexless marriage. He just says he'll work on it and then expects me to drop it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 It's very uncomfortable when a sex scene comes on in a movie or tv show, at least for me. I have told him I won't live in a sexless marriage. He just says he'll work on it and then expects me to drop it. sosad, I think you need to accept that, for whatever reason, he doesn't want to have sex with you. Considering his relationship history, this is almost certainly his issue and an nothing to do with you. You can talk and work things out, but you won't make him want sex with you. He just keeps putting you off.....avoiding, avoiding, avoiding....and hoping it will go away. Assume for a moment that the truth is he doesn't want to have sex with you, and is incapable of a longterm sexual relationship with you. What then? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 He's never had a really long term relationship before, so I don't think he's ever had to consider a partner's feelings, for very long. Do you think he's been reasonably active sexually in his adult life before he met you, have you had any kind of discussion regarding each other's history? Do his religious beliefs interfere with sexuality in some way? He may indeed be the poster child for LD. I know many guys that have remained in problematic LTR's just because the sex was good - or at least regular. That, in his 40's, you're his first real relationship is pretty significant... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 I think he just loves me in his own, selfish way, and sex just isn't important to him. Therefore, he can't see how important it is to me. He's never had a really long term relationship before, so I don't think he's ever had to consider a partner's feelings, for very long. Now maybe you are starting to understand why he's never had a LTR before. The other people he was involved with weren't as tolerant as you or weren't willing to settle. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 I have told him I won't live in a sexless marriage. He just says he'll work on it and then expects me to drop it. Do you really want to be with someone that has to "work on it" to feel desire and passion for you? Wouldn't you rather be with someone who just does? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 Now maybe you are starting to understand why he's never had a LTR before. The other people he was involved with weren't as tolerant as you or weren't willing to settle. Yeah, probably. I'm very patient and tolerant. I don't feel that I "settled" though. I don't have to be with him, never have. I make good money and we have no kids. The reason I stayed to this point is because I love him so much. Though, that could die if we continue to be sexless. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 He is 49 years old and never married or in a long time relationship before? How come? I find it weird and I'd had investigated this issue way more that you apparently did. So now it's her fault for not investigating? Honestly, the lengths people will go to to avoid just saying sexual refusal is wrong blows my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 Do you really want to be with someone that has to "work on it" to feel desire and passion for you? Wouldn't you rather be with someone who just does? Of course! It didn't use to be this way, though. This "work on it" thing is relatively new (past year or so). I'm pretty LD myself, so this is particularly worrying to me that he doesn't even want me once or twice per month. Link to post Share on other sites
Syberia Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Of course! It didn't use to be this way, though. This "work on it" thing is relatively new (past year or so). I'm pretty LD myself, so this is particularly worrying to me that he doesn't even want me once or twice per month. So he's been "working on it" for a year with no change? I hate to break it to you, but he's likely just saying that so you'll drop the subject with him. Do you want to be in a marriage where he has to "work on" feeling attraction to you? Even if he started having sex at reasonable intervals, that would eat me up inside over time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 So he's been "working on it" for a year with no change? I hate to break it to you, but he's likely just saying that so you'll drop the subject with him. Do you want to be in a marriage where he has to "work on" feeling attraction to you? Even if he started having sex at reasonable intervals, that would eat me up inside over time. Obviously, I'm here because it's killing me. Why is it my fault or something I "should" have known and presumably have not married him because of it? Easy for ppl to tell me just to leave, after all, they're not in love with the guy. But, I am, and can't just throw it away, yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 As painful as it is for a partner to refuse sex, it's wrong to keep requesting when they don't want it. You have to be careful about respecting his sexual wishes as well...which is that he doesn't want sex. Perfectly within his right. At some point, if you cannot fix it, the most respectful thing to do for two people is to move on from each other. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 As painful as it is for a partner to refuse sex, it's wrong to keep requesting when they don't want it. You have to be careful about respecting his sexual wishes as well...which is that he doesn't want sex. Perfectly within his right. At some point, if you cannot fix it, the most respectful thing to do for two people is to move on from each other. A person who has decided not to have sex is a person who needs to decide to be single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 A person who has decided not to have sex is a person who needs to decide to be single. Well the thing is...he's getting his wish fulfilled so there's no reason for him to be single. Believe it or not, there are couples out there happy with companionship and little to no sex. If she continues with him then he might think they're one of those couples. Besides there's no reason to leave something this important up to someone else. Her sexual fulfillment is her own responsibility. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Well the thing is...he's getting his wish fulfilled so there's no reason for him to be single. Believe it or not, there are couples out there happy with companionship and little to no sex. If she continues with him then he might think they're one of those couples. Besides there's no reason to leave something this important up to someone else. Her sexual fulfillment is her own responsibility. No, when he made a vow to love and cherish her, her needs became his and vice versa. If you have no desire for sex, find a nice asexual woman and have at it. Again, this kind of thread is always uncomfortable for people too lazy or selfish to think of their partner's needs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 OP, take it from a someone who stayed with a LD man for 20 YEARS because I loved him, because I hoped things would change and get better...if...when...because... It didn't. And if I'm brutally honest, there are times that I look back on the relationship and (still) feel angry and bitter towards my ex and most especially with myself for having wasted all those prime years lost in a fog of hope. I even spent years punishing myself for wanting him as much as I did. There must be something wrong with ME not him for heaven's sake, right? Can you imagine that??? I know what it feels like to love someone deeply but feel miserable at the same time. The moment I decided to end my relationship with my husband for good was the moment he made a 180 and started to climb all over me promising all sorts of things. By that point it was too late for me. I couldn't continue riding the merry-go-round that went no where. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 No, when he made a vow to love and cherish her, her needs became his and vice versa. If you have no desire for sex, find a nice asexual woman and have at it. Again, this kind of thread is always uncomfortable for people too lazy or selfish to think of their partner's needs. But doesn't this go beyond selfishness or laziness? Sure, he could get her off and it would just be another of things on his "honey do list" that he would check off and and then move on to the next thing. He wouldn't be doing it out of love, but obligation. I get the sense that the op wants him to have sex with her because he wants to show her he loves and cherishes her, desires her and wants to be with her, and also because he wants to because he wants to have sex. So long as he has no interest in sex, that isn't going to happen. He's not some evil person because he doesn't want to have sex, but it is a very sad situation for both, as they do seem to love each other. He can't force himself to want sex. I don't like to advocate for a marriage ending, but maybe in this case, the op needs to do whatever it is she feels she needs to do to walk away on the best possible of terms with him, knowing that she did her best to make things work. It's not a failure on either of their parts, but it may be a disconnect that can't be fixed. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 OP, take it from a someone who stayed with a LD man for 20 YEARS because I loved him, because I hoped things would change and get better...if...when...because... It didn't. And if I'm brutally honest, there are times that I look back on the relationship and (still) feel angry and bitter towards my ex and most especially with myself for having wasted all those prime years lost in a fog of hope. I even spent years punishing myself for wanting him as much as I did. There must be something wrong with ME not him for heaven's sake, right? Can you imagine that??? I know what it feels like to love someone deeply but feel miserable at the same time. The moment I decided to end my relationship with my husband for good was the moment he made a 180 and started to climb all over me promising all sorts of things. By that point it was too late for me. I couldn't continue riding the merry-go-round that went no where. Dear , I am sorry to know that you suffered so long ; I am on the sme boat with my wife ; which recently changed little bit toward positive situation ; the only thing that changed it was a seperation period of 4-5 month ; were I stayed at home but acted as if she doesn't exist ; no resentment , just roommates ; then one day I threw a ball at her hands . I just want to mention that LD spouses don't feel the desire ; they just don't feel the urge ; just like someone who lost his smelling sense. The bad thing is that when LD+selfish ; they even do not care about changing ... Micell if this is your real pic , he must be blind too:) Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 sosad ; I am in favor to throw the towel ; because you will suffer all your life ; to get what ? a night in a blue moon ? in my case I can't leave the kids ,I adore my kids . even when i tried to cheat ; what stopped me was my thinking of what would my girls do if they know ! Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 He wouldn't be doing it out of love, but obligation. The above mindset is a choice. I DESPISE picking up random socks. You know how I kept from getting resentful? When I would bend over for the 20th time to pick up a sock, I would remind myself that my ex liked a neat house and clean laundry, and that when I picked up that sock I was showing love to him. I used to hate having to analyze every possible outcome for every decision - even which restaurant to go to. But he was a thinker and analyzer. I realized when I let him talk out all the options on things I might find trivial, I was showing him love. A person without a drive who sees meeting their spouse's need as a chore is CHOOSING to see it that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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