So sad - sexless marriage

[truncated]

op,

what is it that you feel you are really missing the most? Something about the way you write makes me think it's not just the sex( though that is very important) , but the intimacy between you two. Is it more that you are missing the sex, missing him desiring you, or both?

 

Is he physically intimate and showing you that he loves you in other ways, or is he not showing you affection, caring and love much at all?

 

How would you feel if you and he talked about it, and he became more intimate, but the frequency of sex was still low? What would you do if he simply isn't interested in sex much at all?

 

I could be wrong, but he may well be able to meet your "biological" need for sex, but someone can;t make themselves want sex. They either do or they don't, and it may have zero to do with you. You could be angel the porno princess and it still wouldn't impress him, which is not your fault. Not really his either, as things are what they are.

 

If it has zero to do with you, the there is not much you can do to make things change. He has to do so, and from everything you say, he doesn't want to or he can't

[autumnnight]

I could be wrong, but he may well be able to meet your "biological" need for sex, but someone can;t make themselves want sex. They either do or they don't, and it may have zero to do with you. You could be angel the porno princess and it still wouldn't impress him, which is not your fault. Not really his either, as things are what they are.

 

This is very wise. People who do not value sex generally just....do not value sex. I think part of the key when this is the case is whether or not they: A) care enough about YOU to value YOU, and, by extension what you need or if they B)try to make you change your values to fit theirs so that they are more comfortable. A person who will do A is a keeper and worth the effort of trying to work this out. A person with the B attitude....well, let's just say I tried to live with that, but being starved AND belittled just got to be tto much.

 

I hope that your spouse develops enough love and maturity and unselfishness to try to meet YOUR needs instead of belittle, dismiss, or analyze them away.

[sosadaboutus]

op,

what is it that you feel you are really missing the most? Something about the way you write makes me think it's not just the sex( though that is very important) , but the intimacy between you two. Is it more that you are missing the sex, missing him desiring you, or both?

 

Is he physically intimate and showing you that he loves you in other ways, or is he not showing you affection, caring and love much at all?

 

How would you feel if you and he talked about it, and he became more intimate, but the frequency of sex was still low? What would you do if he simply isn't interested in sex much at all?

 

I could be wrong, but he may well be able to meet your "biological" need for sex, but someone can;t make themselves want sex. They either do or they don't, and it may have zero to do with you. You could be angel the porno princess and it still wouldn't impress him, which is not your fault. Not really his either, as things are what they are.

 

If it has zero to do with you, the there is not much you can do to make things change. He has to do so, and from everything you say, he doesn't want to or he can't

 

Well, that depends on the definition of "low". Reading my other posts, it's clear that I'm "only" hoping for/expecting sex every two to four weeks, which is pretty "low" already (compared to "average"). He's fairly affectionate, in general. I get kisses, hugs, pinches and touching on a regular basis. His sex drive, as far as I can tell, has very little to do with me. I'm fairly attractive, I get looks and flirted with on a regular basis from other men.

 

My frustration is that he won't examine/explore/talk about his lack of SD. He seems to feel that 1. we're married and sex should be less frequent (i.e., non-issue) 2. he's near 50, he's not supposed to want sex (I guess).

 

I really feel this is linked to his need to control everything. For example, he will suggest some really silly movie he wants to watch, and we'll watch it. I'm fine with that, whatever. But, if there is a dumb movie I want to see, he makes it 20 minutes through and then is "too tired" to watch the rest and goes to bed.

 

What keeps me in the marriage is that he plans really fun and memorable events for us. For my birthday, we met some friends for a food and wine event then went to a comedy club, saw some live music and stayed at a nice hotel downtown. It was all stuff I love to do and we had a wonderful time together. But, no sex that weekend at all.We have a lot of emotional intimacy, but no physical intimacy.

 

When I "take care of things" myself, I just end up feeling really sad and missing him. I always think, "damn, if only we could have experienced that together."

[truncated]

If you feel that this is a control issue, do you think that he may view encouraging him to talk about it or trying to get him to see a counselor as yu trying to control him?

 

If so, there may not be much you can do:(

 

 

Before you were married, did he ever say anything about thinking that sex should drop off drastically after marriage, or was he giving every indication that he thought it should stay at the level you were both happy with at the time? It does't sound like you are asking for more sex, or really even all that much.

 

Based on what you say, it does sound as if he loves you, but he loves you on his terms.

 

Is there any way that you could kind of turn things around and make him think that having sex is his idea? That way, he would feel he was making the decision? Mind you, you may not feel as if physical intimacy, if you had to perform those kind of mental gymnastics, is really worth it.

[elaine567]

If you feel that this is a control issue, do you think that he may view encouraging him to talk about it or trying to get him to see a counselor as you trying to control him?

 

I guess that in bold may be the case.

He seems to be going about in his little world doing basically what he wants, and you fall into line.

I know we all don't like the same movies and he is entitled to go off to bed, but I take your point, you are willing to make him happy and humour him by sitting through his movie, but he doesn't feel the need to return the favour.

 

I think he probably has to think sex is his idea, and that is why your attempts to seduce him fail.

I do however know that some of the disappointment, frustration and anger you feel, will be being picked up, and I guess that on that night you stayed away, your expectations were high and your disappointment will have come over loud and clear, even if you didn't say one word and even in the dark...

You said, "He says I’m pressuring him for sex." - perhaps you are.

 

I have idea if this will work but maybe lay off the sex, sex talk, expectation, silent protest etc. for 6 months totally and see if he picks up the banner.

No passive aggression or pressure on him on your part whatsoever, affectionate, yes, any thing that could be seen as sexual initiation no.

Go about your work and your home life happily without a care in the world and see if he does anything about taking control of the sex.

Wait the full six months, it may take a while for the penny to drop.

If still nothing comes of it, you have your answer.

 

Of course if you feel sex should a bit more spontaneous and consensual than always waiting for him to make a move, (even if he does pick up the frequency), then you may indeed feel it is hardly worth it, as truncated has already indicated.

[autumnnight]

I have idea if this will work but maybe lay off the sex, sex talk, expectation, silent protest etc. for 6 months totally and see if he picks up the banner.

 

If he were not meeting her need for conversation or family commitment, would the advice be to stop talking or stop asking him to spend time with his kids?

 

WHY is the advice ALWAYS for the partner with this need to give it up, be perfect, do better, use the right words?

 

WHY isn't it on the one refusing to meet the need to get off heir stubborn, selfish duff and MEET IT?!

[Diezel]

I have idea if this will work but maybe lay off the sex, sex talk, expectation, silent protest etc. for 6 months totally and see if he picks up the banner.

 

This will absolutely NOT work.

 

I can guarantee it.

[truncated]

If he were not meeting her need for conversation or family commitment, would the advice be to stop talking or stop asking him to spend time with his kids?

 

WHY is the advice ALWAYS for the partner with this need to give it up, be perfect, do better, use the right words?

 

WHY isn't it on the one refusing to meet the need to get off heir stubborn, selfish duff and MEET IT?!

 

 

It seems as if , in this case, the husband either doesn't want to, or can;t, meet that need.

 

I can completely understand the op wnating the emotional connection that goes along with physical intimacy. Otherwise, she may as well just do what she can for herself.

 

How can you make someone want to be intimate with you if they don't want to( not being rude...just asking a question) . Most likely, you can't. From what the op says, she is still attractive, does lots of thinsg with her husband, tries her best to be a good wife and he still isn't interested in physical intimacy.

 

I don't think there's much more she can do. She may have reached a point where she either has to accept that he is what he is and try and keep on going as best she can, or she may have to begin the process of uncoupling from him.

 

it's such a sad situation, and it sounds like they do both love each other, but in this case, it may not be enough.

[autumnnight]

This will absolutely NOT work.

 

I can guarantee it.

 

Nope. I did this. Months without turned into 2 years.

 

You don't convince someone to meet your needs by pretending the need is gone.

[elaine567]

If he were not meeting her need for conversation or family commitment, would the advice be to stop talking or stop asking him to spend time with his kids?

 

WHY is the advice ALWAYS for the partner with this need to give it up, be perfect, do better, use the right words?

 

WHY isn't it on the one refusing to meet the need to get off heir stubborn, selfish duff and MEET IT?!

 

Because SHE is the one with the problem, he seems as happy as Larry with the way things are, it seems.

 

WE can order people to look after kids, we shame them into it, we can get the law onto them, we can utilise family, siblings, parents etc. to get them to do the right thing.

But sex is different, HE has to want it and feel it, he cannot be ordered into doing it.

 

I just thought that my suggestion may be a different tack, going with his need for control, but as I said it may not work any better than what she has already tried.

[elaine567]

Nope. I did this. Months without turned into 2 years.

 

You don't convince someone to meet your needs by pretending the need is gone.

 

Ok, I get you, was control an issue in your case?

[autumnnight]

Because SHE is the one with the problem

 

I know YOU didn't mean it this way, but that is pretty much the way every refusing spouse feels. That the one who wants intimacy is the one with the problem, and they should just get over it.

 

I call foul. It is not normal, healthy, or fair for a person to marry or be in an exclusive relationship and NOT give the other person the intimacy they need. Knowingly trapping a partner into starvation is wrong. And it is the person who does this that has the problem, not the normal person who wants expected intimacy with the person who claims to love them.

[elaine567]

This will absolutely NOT work.

 

I can guarantee it.

 

BUT it may crystallise the situation in the mind of the OP, left to his own devices and with no pressure from her for 6 months, if he definitely doesn't want it, then the situation is hopeless.

Of course it may be hopeless right now, but I do not think the OP is there just yet.

[Diezel]

BUT it may crystallise the situation in the mind of the OP, left to his own devices and with no pressure from her for 6 months, if he definitely doesn't want it, then the situation is hopeless.

Of course it may be hopeless right now, but I do not think the OP is there just yet.

 

So you want the OP to go through 6 months of self-inflicted torture just to arrive to the same conclusion?

 

Trust me, I've been there. I've done something similar for 2 months.

 

I did perfectly FINE the first 2-3 weeks, and then it just became absolute torture, because I was wondering if they'd noticed, if they missed it, you try your best not to say anything, and it becomes added pressure for you. So you do what... you wait 6 months? Hope something happens. Maybe it happens once at Month 2 and then you gain a little hope. Maybe another time at Month 4. And then Month 6, you realize, twice in 6 months and you still get the same result.

 

The man has a low drive now, now you are just "rewarding" him in a way. He MIGHT question why and what's going on. I did this with my ex-girlfriend, coupled with working out and making more time for myself, to keep myself occupied. She ended up wondering if I was cheating on her, and nothing else. The frequency didn't go up, she eventually confessed that she just believed that I had given up because I wouldn't ask anymore.

 

This is why I never recommend doing the "wait to see if they start anything" approach, because in itself, it is a passive aggressive measure. It won't bode well for her.

[elaine567]

I know YOU didn't mean it this way, but that is pretty much the way every refusing spouse feels. That the one who wants intimacy is the one with the problem, and they should just get over it.

 

I call foul. It is not normal, healthy, or fair for a person to marry or be in an exclusive relationship and NOT give the other person the intimacy they need. Knowingly trapping a partner into starvation is wrong. And it is the person who does this that has the problem, not the normal person who wants expected intimacy with the person who claims to love them.

 

Agreed, it seems in relationships, the victim is often the one with the problem, the other is perfectly happy.

The cheater is often perfectly happy, the BS is unhappy and the one with the problem. She/he just wanted fidelity and to be in a healthy relationship.

The abuser is often perfectly happy the way things are, the victim is in bits. She/he just wanted a normal healthy relationship.

The cold hearted lover is often perfectly happy, the victim is upset and needs help. She/he just wanted to be loved in a healthy way.

[spanz1]

Sosad

 

 

it sounds to me like he has either become gay or Asexual. Since you did not find any gay porn, I am going to guess it is Asexual. An Asexual can be a loving partner, like to cuddle, etc...but just is not at all interested in physical sex. they never think about sex, never fantasize about sex. You can call 10 minutes from getting home and say "hey I want to have rough sex the moment I get home" and they answer "sure, it sounds great!". then 10 minutes later you walk in the door and they are watching the weather channel and just say "hi", completely forgetting about the sex stuff they talked about minutes before!

 

 

I know, its crazy!

 

 

One thing I would highly recommend is to learn how to initiate in a more forceful way. Wearing lingerie would seem to be a good clue...but it is not obvious enough for an asexual. You need to be wearing the lingerie, walk right up in front of him, and TELL HIM exactly what you want him to do. Not the most romantic thing, but that is how blunt you will need to be.

 

 

and it does NOT mean he does not find your attractive or sexy. HE is the one at fault...that reaction of horniness is no longer in his brain.

 

 

Someone suggested finding a lover outside the marriage. that is certainly a possibility. You would have to be ok with it, and of course have to discuss it over with hubby. If he is an asexual, he will probably gladly give his consent--it gets him off the hook from having to do that icky sex stuff, and makes you a happy wife which he really does care about. and if he is not asexual, the bringing up the topic just might whack him upside his head strong enough for him to take your sexual needs seriously enough to do something about it.

 

 

Other than that...you can suffer in silence, start a wild cybersex life, or divorce him. Not all pleasant solutions, but you are going to have to start thinking outside of the box here. it IS good that you two are at least talking about it!

 

 

DO take some comfort in the fact that you are NOT alone. There are hundreds of millions of sexually starved spouses out there. An unfortunate club to belong to

Edited April 13, 2015 by spanz1

[autumnnight]

Ok, I get you, was control an issue in your case?

 

In my case it was the case it always is. He knew what I needed. He chose not to provide it.

 

There is no excuse for any sexual betrayal, including withholding.

[pteromom]

I agree, which is why they need to be gut level honest while dating and not "fake it" until they get married. There are enough LD people out there that an LD woman can find an LD man or vice versa instead of expecting a HD person to just suck it up.

 

Except for when you are dating, people rarely have that level of insight. The low drive person may say "I only need sex once a week" (because he/she is too embarrassed to say they would be ok with once a month, or because they are really attracted to this person and who knows, maybe they WOULD want it once a week?") And the high drive person may respond "Oh I would be good with that!" (because once a week sounds a whole lot better than the none-a-week they are currently getting, or because they believe their love and skillz will cause the other person to want it more.)

 

Then they get into the relationship and find out that LD really wants it once a month, and HD really wants it once a day, and it is a constant source of contention.

[pteromom]

I've done it all, hair, no hair, a little hair. Doesn't seem to make a difference, although I do know his preference and usually maintain that.

 

Right now, I feel I'm done jumping through hoops to get him to want me again. If he's interested in saving our marriage, he'll have to make more of an effort in this department.

 

I agree - he needs to see this is a problem, and that his actions are hurting you.

[pteromom]

My problem is when people try to convince themselves that they can "fix" the LD person when the LD person clearly doesn't want to be fixed. That's a WHOLE other issue. In order to make this work, BOTH people need to want to change it. In the OP's case, it's clear that this is a one-sided deal.

 

You can't "fix" someone if this is the way they naturally are though. I do not believe I am broken, and do not believe I need to be "fixed".

 

The difference between me and the OP's husband is that I realize that my partner isn't LD like me, and I make an effort to meet in the middle. My hub may not have the sex life he's always dreamed of, but he has regular sex - way more that what the OP is asking for.

 

Her husband absolutely needs to see that he is hurting his wife. And I just can't get over how little she would need to be satisfied, and that he can't bother to put forth THAT much effort.

[Mr. Lucky]

There is no excuse for any sexual betrayal, including withholding.

 

While that is true, it doesn't make discussion of the low-drive partner's motivation meaningless. Were people self-aware in matters like this, whole parts of this forum would disappear overnight.

 

sosadaboutus, are you prepared to leave your marriage in the near future if this isn't addressed? A commitment to staying no matter what might mandate a different game plan...

 

Mr. Lucky

[autumnnight]

While that is true, it doesn't make discussion of the low-drive partner's motivation meaningless.

 

So the surrounding circumstances ARE irrelevant in some cases (like an A) but not irrelevant in others (sexual starvation and neglect).

[pteromom]

I really feel this is linked to his need to control everything. For example, he will suggest some really silly movie he wants to watch, and we'll watch it. I'm fine with that, whatever. But, if there is a dumb movie I want to see, he makes it 20 minutes through and then is "too tired" to watch the rest and goes to bed.

 

This doesn't sound like a need to control. Just sounds like you have a higher ability to tolerate something you don't have interest in than he does.

 

I sure can't watch the dumb movies my husband watches, and that has nothing to do with my feelings for him. I just don't feel that watching a movie I don't like is a way to show my feelings.

[Mr. Lucky]

So the surrounding circumstances ARE irrelevant in some cases (like an A) but not irrelevant in others (sexual starvation and neglect).

 

Had you posted "There is no excuse for infidelity", I'd agree with that also. But I'd still think a discussion of the reasons people stray to be important.

 

I'm against burglary but still willing to research locks and home security...

 

Mr. Lucky

[truncated]

The of this thread I read, the sadder it is. It doesn't sound like the op's husband is trying to hurt her, and he is not a bed guy because he doesn't want sex, but by the same token, the op is not a bad person and is not trying to place too high a demand on her husband.

 

He can't force himself to want to have sex with her, and there is nothing she can do to make him want to. I suppose she could demand that he meet her sexual needs or else she is going to leave him, but if it was me in that situation, any intimacy after that would feel so hollow. It would happen because I had backed him into a corner, and not because it was a loving act.

 

I hope the op can find a way to work this out that is best for both her and her husband, as it sounds like they do care for one another and don't want to hurt each other, even though in the end, that is exactly what is happening.