So sad - sexless marriage

[dichotomy]

It is possible.

 

It's also possible that he is gay, or has some strange fetish he is afraid to bring up to you.

 

I've seen all of these situations.

 

 

Yep I agree that possible - and why she should do some digging on her own.

[oldshirt]

He literally loses track of when we've been intimate. I asked him how long he thought it's been and he said a week!

 

 

 

 

But, I'm seriously climbing the walls at about week 5.

 

I'm thinking he has a year to work on this (or not).

 

 

 

People don't lose track of things that they value and are meaningful to them. Can you tell me what day you had sex last? can you tell me what time of day, where it occurred and what positions you did?

 

 

My guess is yes you can tell me those things.

 

 

But now would he be able to answer those questions?

 

 

 

 

Do you really want a man that can't remember when the last time he was intimate with his wife?

 

 

Do you really want a man that has to "work" for a year to love up his wife at least every 5 weeks??

 

 

 

 

Most middle aged men are a threat to society after a month without sex. Most men would do backflips and sing from the rooftops to have an enthusiastic partner that would like to make love twice a week. ( I consider myself a rock star and thank my lucky stars that once a week with an occasional BJ/HJ/FJ throw in is somewhat regular)

 

 

You are giving him a year to "work" on what most men just naturally crave.

 

 

This isn't going to end well. You two have grossly mismatched libidos and values on something very basic and fundamental to a healthy relationship.

[sosadaboutus]

Yep I agree that possible - and why she should do some digging on her own.

 

Sure, it's possible, but I haven't found anything to the contrary that he's anything but hetero. In fact, early on, I snooped his bachelor pad pretty thoroughly. Ironically, the only thing I found of a sexual nature was the book "She Comes First", a book on pleasing women, sexually. If he has a fetish, the only thing I've found is that it's about oral sex. No problem for me, there...

[oldshirt]

 

I'll be putting my financial ducks in a row, and making contingency plans, in the meantime.

 

That is wise.

 

 

It may not come to that but being prepared for it and able to do it gives you more options than if you are completely dependent on him and unable to go out on your own.

It also eliminates fear. The more you know about something and the more you are prepared for it, the less you fear it. If you weigh all the pros and cons of the marriage on their own merits and you choose to stay and suffer through it, at least that is a conscious choice being made on the facts verses remaining stuck in an unsatisfying marriage because you are too fearful to leave.

 

 

This situation is eventually going to come down to an ultimatum. The more prepared you are, the more likely you are to pull the ejection handle and the more likely you are to pull the ejection handle the more influence you are going to have over the situation.

 

 

This is going to come down to an ultimatum of him stepping up to the plate and taking care of your needs or you are going to get your needs met without him. The more prepared and capable you are of walking away and living successfully without him, the more likely he will be to take you seriously and put in the effort to make a decision and stick with it.

 

 

His decision will either be to man-up and love his woman fully, or he will choose to let you go. The more prepared you are to live without him will make him more likely to make a full-fledged, all-in or all-out decision rather than just keeping you hanging on by threads and promises like he is doing now.

[oldshirt]

Response in bold below.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I feel that he has and does lead me on.

 

 

Assuming that is true, What is he getting out of leading you on? Do your best to answer that question. it is very important.

 

 

 

 

He says one thing and does another. Actions speak louder than words.

 

 

 

 

Always go by actions. Never go by words.

 

 

 

We've talked about therapy, which he really hates. He had a bad experience with a therapist that was treating an ex-gf. The therapist sounded like a quack to me, and I told him so, and that not all therapists are like that.

 

In our last conversation, he begrudgingly agreed to therapy.

 

 

There are some things therapy can and cannot do. Generally speaking therapy is good for opening up channels of communication and shining the light on things that may be hiding in the dark.

Therapy may help you express the importance that sexual intimacy is to you so that he understands what is at stake here. It's not important to him so he may very well be assuming it's not really that important to you either. Therapy may help him realize the gravity of the situation (as long as you are candid and honest)

It may also help uncover if there is something that is turning him off or inhibiting him. He may eventually break down and admit you have bad breath or long, brown toenails that are grossing him out or something like that. or He may have some kink or fetish that needs to be indulged to get his motor running. Therapy can help with things like that.

Therapy will not however make him horny or rev up a sex drive that isn't there. Barring any relationship issue or communication issue that can be recognized and corrected, therapy will not turn a dud into a stud.

Therapy is like liposuction. it can remove an isolated pocket of stubborn fat that won't go away with diet and exercise. but it can not make a fat person skinny. Therapy is the same way, it can address a specific sticking point but it can't change a person's general persona.

 

 

I guess I will just see if he follows through with it.

 

 

If he doesn't, you go anyway. You have a lot of things to consider for your own well being.

 

 

 

 

[Diezel]

All these "what ifs"... what do some of you think is going to change if she finds out any information at all?

 

NOTHING.

 

This has been a pattern for well over a year, not 3 weeks. She has tried course correcting it, and it hasn't worked.

 

He doesn't want to fix it. He isn't trying to fix it. Everything is fine to him.

But slowly, over time, her confidence is eroding. Her self-esteem is wasting away and he is none the wiser. He doesn't realize what kind of an effect this has on her. Do you know how crushing it is to agree to have a night to do this and all of a sudden they back out? I know, because I've been there.

 

It is SOUL CRUSHING.

 

It tears apart at your very self and you begin to question who you are, your self-worth, your attractiveness, you become insecure to the point of a mental breakdown.

 

There is no point to a "what if" by now. He was one way before marriage. He is another way now. His drive is low, regardless of whether there is someone else, he's gay, he watches porn, he lost interest, his T-count took a nose dive... NONE OF THAT IS THE POINT.

 

She wants something from him, he doesn't care to give that to her. I bet if she stopped giving a flying crap about keeping his car clean, he'd be way more up in arms about that than having sex with her. And THAT'S the point. His priorities are COMPLETELY and ABSOLUTELY different than hers. She feels devalued because the way he is acting now about it is incongruent with how he was years ago.

 

The only solution in this situation is for HIM to be bothered enough to want to fix it, something he CLEARLY doesn't want to do and has demonstrated great reluctance in doing.

 

So what now? You suggest she snoop and find a reason for it and then have an AHA moment and confront him about it? And then what? That magically fixes everything?

 

NO. It DOESN'T. Go read back at Michelle Ma Belle's confessional. THAT is what is going to happen. That is pretty much what happened to me as well. It took me MONTHS upon MONTHS to regain who I was from a relationship like that. And the low-drive person doesn't realize it, but it's emotional abuse in a way and it eats at your very core. The longer the OP stays in this situation, the worse she will be. This is NOT an easy situation to be in when both sides are mismatched. I know, because I was there, and because I constantly sat on dead bedrooms reading people with similar stories like mine. No amount of talking, spreadsheets, choreplay, etc, etc, etc made up for the fact of what was going on.

 

Quite simply, they are sexually incompatible now, which indicates that they are also emotionally incompatible. And it WON'T change until he wants it to.

[oldshirt]

All these "what ifs"... what do some of you think is going to change if she finds out any information at all?

 

NOTHING.

 

This has been a pattern for well over a year, not 3 weeks. She has tried course correcting it, and it hasn't worked.

 

He doesn't want to fix it. He isn't trying to fix it. Everything is fine to him.

But slowly, over time, her confidence is eroding. Her self-esteem is wasting away and he is none the wiser. He doesn't realize what kind of an effect this has on her. Do you know how crushing it is to agree to have a night to do this and all of a sudden they back out? I know, because I've been there.

 

It is SOUL CRUSHING.

 

It tears apart at your very self and you begin to question who you are, your self-worth, your attractiveness, you become insecure to the point of a mental breakdown.

 

There is no point to a "what if" by now. He was one way before marriage. He is another way now. His drive is low, regardless of whether there is someone else, he's gay, he watches porn, he lost interest, his T-count took a nose dive... NONE OF THAT IS THE POINT.

 

She wants something from him, he doesn't care to give that to her. I bet if she stopped giving a flying crap about keeping his car clean, he'd be way more up in arms about that than having sex with her. And THAT'S the point. His priorities are COMPLETELY and ABSOLUTELY different than hers. She feels devalued because the way he is acting now about it is incongruent with how he was years ago.

 

The only solution in this situation is for HIM to be bothered enough to want to fix it, something he CLEARLY doesn't want to do and has demonstrated great reluctance in doing.

 

So what now? You suggest she snoop and find a reason for it and then have an AHA moment and confront him about it? And then what? That magically fixes everything?

 

NO. It DOESN'T. Go read back at Michelle Ma Belle's confessional. THAT is what is going to happen. That is pretty much what happened to me as well. It took me MONTHS upon MONTHS to regain who I was from a relationship like that. And the low-drive person doesn't realize it, but it's emotional abuse in a way and it eats at your very core. The longer the OP stays in this situation, the worse she will be. This is NOT an easy situation to be in when both sides are mismatched. I know, because I was there, and because I constantly sat on dead bedrooms reading people with similar stories like mine. No amount of talking, spreadsheets, choreplay, etc, etc, etc made up for the fact of what was going on.

 

Quite simply, they are sexually incompatible now, which indicates that they are also emotionally incompatible. And it WON'T change until he wants it to.

 

 

 

You may ultimately be proven right but people still need to do their diligence and go through the process of elimination in looking into hormonal/medical issues, relationship issues, outside sexual sources etc etc.

 

 

If someone has some kind of hormonal imbalance, nothing that their parnter says or does will get them turned on, but if they were to have it diagnosed and treated, it can be like flipping a switch.

 

 

An affair or porn also has to be ruled out. Again, if someone is getting their needs met elsewhere, there is nothing that the spouse can do until that outside connection is broken.....and that is even assuming that they want to stay in the marriage in the first place. Why go through the trouble of trying to get your spouse to put out if you are going to leave them for cheating anyway?

 

 

And people are obligated to look into relationship issues that they may or may not be able to fix. If some dude grows a beard and it turns his wife off so much she loses attraction for him, don't you think they both owe it to each other to address it and try to fix it and return the marriage to a functional state rather than going through the expense and heartache of a divorce???

 

 

This may very well turn out to be a case of sexual incompatibility but in order to determine that, people must go through all those other possibilities first before declaring incompatibility and walking away without trying.

[dichotomy]

Sure, it's possible, but I haven't found anything to the contrary that he's anything but hetero. In fact, early on, I snooped his bachelor pad pretty thoroughly. Ironically, the only thing I found of a sexual nature was the book "She Comes First", a book on pleasing women, sexually. If he has a fetish, the only thing I've found is that it's about oral sex. No problem for me, there...

 

I have read that book - amazing on oral techniques to be applied on women. Wish my wife would let me practice it on her, but I am not allowed anymore to do that.

 

I am sorry for what your going through. I understand some of it.

[Syberia]

As a guy, I went through this recently and the issue was porn. It just became so easy to deal with my urges "by hand" that I started to view sex with my wife as work. Like your husband, I began to not even recall the last time we had sex. Unbelievably, I couldn't see how much this was hurting her. She was telling me directly, and I was ignoring it. In fact, I even justified it to myself that "this is marriage - we're not supposed to have sex anymore."

 

Of course, my only example of a "marriage" was my parents who don't even sleep in the same room, let alone have sex. It came as a total shock to me the first time I was at my future in-laws' house and heard them making love. I remember asking her, "married people still do that aside from making babies?"

 

The only one who could snap me out of this was me, and the only one who can snap your husband out of it is him. It took becoming unhappy in my marriage in order to realize that I was the cause, even though she had been telling me all along. Since my sex drive was still there, just directed at porn instead of my wife, fixing it was easy. Since the sex has returned, I am back to feeling closer to her than I have in a long time

 

 

 

I have read that book - amazing on oral techniques to be applied on women. Wish my wife would let me practice it on her, but I am not allowed anymore to do that.

She won't let you give oral? May I ask what is wrong with her, lol. That is one thing mine pretty much demands of me, and I am more than happy to oblige.

Edited April 9, 2015 by Syberia

[Popsicle]

This hurts so bad. I just had another talk with my husband about his lack of interest in sex. I’m 42, he’s 48. We’ve been married for almost 3 years, together for 5 ½. We had spoken about this subject 3-4 months ago and he said he would work on it. This has resulted in sex twice since then, once the weekend after the discussion and once about a month ago. This has turned into the average for us, once every 2 to 3 months, for the past 2 years. He doesn’t believe it and thinks I’m exaggerating, so I showed him my tracking notes to prove it to him. He said during this latest discussion that he thought it was getting better. The last two weekends I’ve worn lingerie to bed, made it pretty clear I was interested, but nothing happened.

 

He gets very defensive when I tell him how I feel and he says that he doesn’t mean to make me feel unattractive or humiliated, so I shouldn’t feel that way. He says I’m pressuring him for sex. He says he’s sexually attracted to me. He also said he felt he already got all the sex out of his system (before we married, apparently). He says he’ll go to therapy with me, but made it pretty clear with his tone of voice that he’s not happy about it. Everything about his responses says to me “stop bothering me about this”.

 

I’m at my wits end and completely devastated. I did not sign up for a sexless marriage. I was married previously, to a man who abused porn to the point of sexlessness, but I’m fairly certain that my current husband is not cheating or using porn. He’s just not sexual (that I can tell), but says that he is, “just not all the time”. I feel like I’m doomed to be rejected this way by my husband, no matter what I do or who I’m married to.

 

This is my worst nightmare with older men!

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[I_Give_Up67]

Sosadaboutus- Do you think it's possible that your H may not find you physically attractive to anymore?

 

Some men and women, have this develop as an issue during the course of their relationships, leading to the loss of sexual desire for their SO.

 

He is obviously still physically attractive enough for you, but I even wonder if he may have some issues with his own self image that may be causing his lack of desire.

[Diezel]

Good lord, the NEXT person who says that the OP needs to address this issue, might drive me next-level bonkers. READ the first post AGAIN please. She DID address it, more than once.

 

This hurts so bad. I just had another talk with my husband about his lack of interest in sex.

 

She just had ANOTHER talk. Which implies, there's been at least ONE more talk before this.

 

We had spoken about this subject 3-4 months ago and he said he would work on it.

 

Oh, look, here's the other time.

 

He doesn’t believe it and thinks I’m exaggerating, so I showed him my tracking notes to prove it to him.

 

She's gotten to the point that she needed real empirical evidence to SHOW HIM that they have barely had any sex in the past two months AFTER addressing it once.

 

The last two weekends I’ve worn lingerie to bed, made it pretty clear I was interested, but nothing happened.[/quoted]

 

Do you guys realize how destructive this can be to one's self-esteem? And you don't think this hasn't been addressed?

 

He gets very defensive when I tell him how I feel and he says that he doesn’t mean to make me feel unattractive or humiliated, so I shouldn’t feel that way. He says I’m pressuring him for sex. He says he’s sexually attracted to me.

 

To anyone who says that she hasn't asked for a "beard" type situation or whether it's a matter of sexual/physical attraction, she HAS asked and he either lied (most likely) or was telling the truth, and even though he thinks he might find her attractive, he just doesn't feel sexually attracted enough to want to have sex with her.

 

 

And here is my BIGGEST problem with all the scenarios where people are suggesting with the fact that she needs to become a sex detective. When you are in a relationship with a low-drive partner, no matter how much you sleuth around, if they don't want to come to middle ground with you, if they don't WANT to go see a therapist or they CAN'T see how much they are hurting, you are going to achieve NOTHING by finding out the cause.

 

She's already putting in ALL the work in the relationship as far as sexual intimacy is concerned.

 

So, again, I say... if it's an affair... what happens?

If it's porn, what happens?

If he lied about his test results, what happens?

If she stays the course, what happens?

 

Almost every situation I've seen or dealt with mismatched libidos, the results were always the same. Yeah, okay, you MIGHT find out a reason, but you still end up moving on, but wasting time in the process.

 

She CAN go to the therapy session, sure... it's already scheduled and he said he'd go, so maybe that MIGHT help, but I'm highly doubtful. For me, the therapy would be the last straw, specially if he weasels his way out of going.

[autumnnight]

Think about this with me for a moment:

 

A spouse who is cheating is only thinking of what is and is not important to them

 

A spouse who is cheating generally blames their partner

 

A spouse who is cheating and is in a wayward mindset expects the partner to do the work to earn their faithfulness

 

When confronted with their selfish cheating behavior, the refusing spouse wants to redirect the focus and blame back onto their partner.

 

Now compare it to THIS:

 

A spouse who is cheating is only thinking of what is and is not important to them

 

A spouse who is withholding sex generally blames their partner

 

A spouse who is withholding sex expects the partner to do the work to earn their sex

 

When confronted with their selfish withholding behavior, the refusing spouse wants to redirect the focus and blame back onto their partner.

 

See any similarities?

 

In other words, a person who knowingly refuses to meet their partner's intimate needs is just as selfish and wayward as a cheater.

[elaine567]

I think Diezel has a point, does it really matter what is wrong?

As with any marital issues that cause friction, there comes a point when it becomes obvious that no matter how many times it is brought up by one partner, the bottom line is that the other just doesn't want to be compliant, they dig in their heels. They unfortunately do not tend to come out with their concerns directly but hide under the pretence of being flexible and then dodge the issue, until it is a huge problem.

 

So if the issue is trivial say weeding the garden and it has been agreed between the two, that she weeds the flowers and he weeds the vegetables, then if her section is immaculate and despite hints, suggestions, paperwork, pleading and even bribes, he doesn't do his bit, or weeds sporadically; he although on the surface is being very flexible, he is basically refusing to comply.

It is obvious to anyone that the weeding needs done, so he cannot be unaware;

he can easily do the weeding, so he is not incapable;

he is not ill, he has not for instance requested a pass because he has the cold;

but the weeding still isn't done.

That is because he just doesn't WANT to do it or he doesn't see it as important enough to do it.

 

To an outsider it is simple, he is just not playing ball.

But for someone in the situation, because of the his apparent flexibility, excuses get passed around, he was busy, he forgot, he didn't want to get his hands messy, he is maybe depressed, he is a great father... etc. etc.

 

The OP's husband is not thinking "Oh dear, why am I not interested in sex" and trying to make up for his wife's distress.

He is not apparently being proactive in getting help to get to the bottom of the issue. He is not the one keeping a calendar to make sure his wife is happy. I am sure he is not posting on internet forums and searching the web for answers.

He is not even attempting regular sex, he postpones or cancels, he is gaslighting, he has agreed reluctantly it appears to go to therapy.

He is just not playing ball, he apparently doesn't want sex, he can take it or leave it and that to me, for the OP, spells sexual incompatibility or a deeper problem in their marriage.

 

Unless there is a huge issue lurking that finally comes to the fore here, then I doubt, like Diezel, this situation is ever going to improve. I doubt she can fix the problem on her own.

 

(Of course some people will withhold sex as punishment and a means to control their partner and make them feel upset and hurt, is it possible he is doing that? Is he resentful over something and sex is being used as a weapon.)

 

BTW "he already got all the sex out of his system", as an excuse is a bit worrying.

[truncated]

Thank you for your perspective on this, pteromom. I feel strongly that low drive people should say upfront that they aren't going to work on it. My h has been saying for 2 years that we'd get back to sex more often, but it never materializes. I realize that he probably feels that this would be a death sentence for our marriage, but at least I would be able to make an informed decision about the relationship.

 

The only reason I kept a calender in the first place is because he kept saying that it's not as infrequent as I thought. I showed it to him last night because he looked me straight in the face and told me I was exaggerating when I told him we only had sex 6 times last year. I'm not trying to keeps score, but had to because he keeps gaslighting me on the topic and I end up feeling crazy and doubting my own needs and memory.

 

No, coffee isn't sex. Coffee isn't an important part of a marriage. Coffee doesn't bring you together and bond you as a couple. No spouse, that I've ever heard of, turned to the other and said, "you know, I don't think I ever want coffee again. I've had all the coffee I care to drink in life." And if they did, it probably wouldn't be a marriage ending issue.

 

I am willing to compromise. I know it will probably never be twice a week again. Twice a month would be very nice for me, once per month is a little low, but peppered with a few twice a months here and there, that might work, too. Did I mention we don't have any kids and aren't planning to? There's really very little in the way of excuses.

 

 

I'm nit a guy, but it almost sounds if if a situation like this could be cycling, feeding on itself.

 

Everywhere you look in mass media and society as a whole, the message is men should want sex all the time. if they don't, they might start to feel like there is something wrong with them, which can lead to shame. I would expect that this could lower one's drive even further. Add to that the idea that he may feel even more shame for letting you down, and that's not a good place for him to be.

 

Mind you this isn't your fault. You have needs, and they aren't being met. there is only so long this can go on before something has to give.

 

Is he showing you intimacy in other ways? Is he loving, does he do things for you that show you he cares, or is he cold and distant?

 

If he will accept you request for marital counseling, is he okay with you choosing the counselor/therapist? If so, are there any in your area that specialize in sex therapy for couples ( not just typical marriage counseling)?

[truncated]

Has he ever said why his sex drive has lowered? Is he able to pinpoint a cause or is he even aware himself of what is going on within him?

 

Has he started taking any new medications or is there any chance he could have a low level of depression? If so, therapy may be really useful to him, not just in terms of sex but in terms of his overall mental well being.

[oldshirt]

I think Diezel has a point, does it really matter what is wrong?

 

Of course it matters. How can someone make an informed decision without first becoming informed.

 

If your car is making a funny noise and not running right do you drop it off at the junk yard and shell out tens of thousands of dollars on a new one or do you take it in and determine what the problem is?

 

Knowing whether it needs a $15 part or needs a new engine will probably influence your decision on what course of action to take.

 

With either case you still have the option of taking it to the junk yard or fixing what needs to be fixed but you at least are informed on what the costs and benefits will be.

 

There really is no difference with this scenario. It may be something as simple as he has a pink toenail fetish and she needs to paint her nails pink to get his motor running or he simply has no sexual feelings and never will and will always be a dud in bed.

 

She still has the options of tossing him to the curb because she doesn't want to go through the trouble of painting her nails to get him to love her or she can choose to just accept that he will never be a sexual being and she decides to live with it anyway.

 

Knowing what the problem is may not fix anything and may not make life perfect but at least she knows where things stand and can make an informed decision on what will be best for her.

 

And regardless of the outcome, she will be able to sleep at night knowing that she had the facts and made her decision based on that and did what she could.

[elaine567]

Of course it matters. How can someone make an informed decision without first becoming informed.

 

It matters only IF it is something fixable and he is amenable to having it fixed, or he is forthcoming as to "why?", but I guess finding out the real reason "why?" in many of these cases may not often happen, and a lot of energy and time is expended finding out the "why?", when it may be better to just accept it is the way it is.

The "why?" may be a lot more damaging to the OP than accepting it for what it is, and walking away.

She in fact has quite a lot of information already.

He is in effect almost blocking her from finding out more and that in itself may be telling.

[oldshirt]

It matters only IF it is something fixable and he is amenable to having it fixed, or he is forthcoming as to "why?", but I guess finding out the real reason "why?" in many of these cases may not often happen, and a lot of energy and time is expended finding out the "why?", when it may be better to just accept it is the way it is.

The "why?" may be a lot more damaging to the OP than accepting it for what it is, and walking away.

She in fact has quite a lot of information already.

He is in effect almost blocking her from finding out more and that in itself may be telling.

 

It may very well be unfixable but you don't know it's unfixable untill you find out its unfixable.

[autumnnight]

It may very well be unfixable but you don't know it's unfixable untill you find out its unfixable.

 

Very true

 

I do not regret the length of time I took trying to work on things. I believe I gave the marriage my best shot, albeit imperfect at times. I regret some of the ways I responded at times to his refusal to be a husband. But I am not sorry I spent a LONG time trying. I do regret some of the resources I sought because I believe some of that did more harm than good.

[Diezel]

If your car is making a funny noise and not running right do you drop it off at the junk yard and shell out tens of thousands of dollars on a new one or do you take it in and determine what the problem is?

 

Knowing whether it needs a $15 part or needs a new engine will probably influence your decision on what course of action to take.

 

She's "gone to the mechanic" TWICE.

She's going for a THIRD time (therapy session).

 

If you're going to use an analogy, at least apply it correctly.

 

She didn't just hear a noise once and decide to drop it.

 

Again, this has been going on for months and she's confronted him TWICE.

 

How many mechanics do you go to in order to reach an informed decision about your car? Three?

[truncated]

Very true

 

I do not regret the length of time I took trying to work on things. I believe I gave the marriage my best shot, albeit imperfect at times. I regret some of the ways I responded at times to his refusal to be a husband. But I am not sorry I spent a LONG time trying. I do regret some of the resources I sought because I believe some of that did more harm than good.

 

 

This makes a lot of sense. If someone feels they have done everything the could to make things work ( which can mean different things to different people) then if they have to walk away, they won;t always be wondering " what if I had just done x, y or z, maybe we could have solved the problem".

 

I would think that having those thoughts would make moving forward very difficult.

[truncated]

She's "gone to the mechanic" TWICE.

She's going for a THIRD time (therapy session).

 

If you're going to use an analogy, at least apply it correctly.

 

She didn't just hear a noise once and decide to drop it.

 

Again, this has been going on for months and she's confronted him TWICE.

 

How many mechanics do you go to in order to reach an informed decision about your car? Three?

 

 

you go to as many as you feel you need to. For some, junking the car immediately is what is best, while for others, they need to go to every mechanic in town and know that they put in a big effort to get the car fixed.

 

a better comparison to the situation might be a doctor. A doctor gives a person some bad news. For some, that is all they need to know,and they begin planning their next steps forward. For others, they need to get, second, third etc. opinions before they feel ready to take those next steps.

 

neither choice is wrong, so long as the person is doing what they feel they need to do to be able to look back and feel they made the right choice.

[Mr. Lucky]

He says he’ll go to therapy with me, but made it pretty clear with his tone of voice that he’s not happy about it.

 

Who is finding the therapist and will you be going to MC or something specializing in sexuality?

 

Before we married, our sexlife was satisfying to me, it wasn't super-high by society's standards, but enough for me, about once or twice a week. Then it dwindled to 2 times a month, which was still ok for me, now's it's 6 times per year, which is far too little.

 

Were this posted by a man, there would be many responses asking him if he's meeting her needs outside the bedroom. Doesn't seem unfair to ask her the same questions...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited April 9, 2015 by Mr. Lucky

[pteromom]

If he has a fetish, the only thing I've found is that it's about oral sex. No problem for me, there...

 

Have you tried doing something different down there and showing him to see if he reacts?

 

Like - letting hair grow if you usually wax, or waxing if you usually don't?