3 months later and where I am at.

[aliveagain]

You have come so far and it just seems such a shame for the sake of everyone that loves you that you can't take it over the goal line, or for whatever reason you hold onto some form of infidelity to prove to yourself that your not worth it. Reading your post is like watching a beautiful woman who is standing in a bathtub full of scented water reaching for the radio, she knows what will happen when she touches it but keeps reaching for it anyway, we are all helpless to do anymore for her because she refuses to listen to the warning that will save her life. What do you tell her husband and children? It just didn't need to happen, any of it.

[road]

My husband was aware of my continued contact before Christmas. I have not told him it has stopped and he has not asked. He isn't in agreement. My affair did end which you would know if you read my previous post. But was restarted just before Christmas as an EA only. Between that time we never spoke one word to each other or sent a single communication. I believed it was over forever and thought I was very happy about that.

 

I personally do not believe I am in a fog and really don't see how one could blame my horrid behaviour on that. I know my continued communication with him is very wrong and yet I continue it. I have no justifications for it. And I should stop, today. Send a N/C letter and be done with it.

 

The job isn't because I want to divorce. It was because in my previous post it was recommended I find one. That my husband may feel free to divorce if he knew I wouldn't be a financial burden. I just wanted to make his life easier and that was something I knew I could do and stick with. It was hard to find a job that paid the amount I needed but I found one. I also felt being busy and working out more might help me as well, and it has I think. But it has also brought its own problems with it as any big change does. The last reason is my previous job required me to work near MM several times a year. Though I always told my husband when that would be happening he hated being at home while he knew I would be in the same building as MM. I will never see MM at my new enviroment. It is an entirely different field.

 

I did happen chance to come accross MM while shopping a few weeks ago. I stopped and talked to him. I didn't know what to do when I got home but I told my husband in the end. It was idle chatter and that is what I told him. You do have to wonder why I would feel like I had to get a real life encounter off my chest and yet still communicate electronically with him. I suppose I am able to compartmentalize the emails better than real life.

 

 

 

There is never any reason to break NC and for idle chatter.

 

 

What you should of done was to put down any items where you stood, left the groceries in the cart, and walk out of that store, not acknowledge the OM let alone even say hello.

 

 

Perfect example of why when a marriage is trying to recover they WW and BH need to far away. The importance of NC can never be underestimated.

[harrybrown]

If you switched roles with your H and he had the A, would you think it would be fine to keep cheating on your with his OW?

 

Do start to think about your children and your H. You have been selfish to cheat and selfish to continue contact with the OM.

 

Your OM is not as good a man as your H. Do the not so nice things that you want to do with your H.

 

Please think about your kids and your H. Your H is in pain and will be for years over your cheating.

 

good luck to you.

[Noirek]

You have come so far and it just seems such a shame for the sake of everyone that loves you that you can't take it over the goal line, or for whatever reason you hold onto some form of infidelity to prove to yourself that your not worth it. Reading your post is like watching a beautiful woman who is standing in a bathtub full of scented water reaching for the radio, she knows what will happen when she touches it but keeps reaching for it anyway, we are all helpless to do anymore for her because she refuses to listen to the warning that will save her life. What do you tell her husband and children? It just didn't need to happen, any of it.

 

I am sorry. I know it is really frustrating to see how easy it would be for me to fix this. I have seen other people make destructive choices and wanted them to just choose right. But I seem to be failing at doing so myself. At least with this one really big issue. When I broke NC with MM after all the work and all the pain I hated myself more than the first time. I never thought I'd be back in it. When I remember my husband's face the say I confessed and then think about how I continue to talk to MM I feel such disgust. All those names used to describe WS? They are me. I feel like I am now unredeemable. But all I can do is keep going forward and hope that I can at least do a little good in my life so I am not all evil.

[Noirek]

There is never any reason to break NC and for idle chatter.

 

 

What you should of done was to put down any items where you stood, left the groceries in the cart, and walk out of that store, not acknowledge the OM let alone even say hello.

 

 

Perfect example of why when a marriage is trying to recover they WW and BH need to far away. The importance of NC can never be underestimated.

 

I really think your post missed the point. I am not NC with MM. While I do not advertise when or what I am emailing to MM, I do feel the need to inform my husband when I see him in person. I don't know why I can "hide" the one but not the other. I don't know if I would ever just leave the grocery store. Usually when I need groceries I need them badly. The times I happened upon MM during my affair free stage I looked right through him and carried on.

[Noirek]

If you switched roles with your H and he had the A, would you think it would be fine to keep cheating on your with his OW?

 

Do start to think about your children and your H. You have been selfish to cheat and selfish to continue contact with the OM.

 

Your OM is not as good a man as your H. Do the not so nice things that you want to do with your H.

 

Please think about your kids and your H. Your H is in pain and will be for years over your cheating.

 

good luck to you.

 

Have you read any of my posts? It almost feels like you just say this to everyone who is cheating. Which is fine because it is true... But it seems out of place and impersonal.

[DKT3]

I told you back in Dec nothing would change. He you are four months later still in the same place.

 

What do you want? Why can't you let your husband go? Do you think he deserves the things your doing?

[Noirek]

I told you back in Dec nothing would change. He you are four months later still in the same place.

 

What do you want? Why can't you let your husband go? Do you think he deserves the things your doing?

 

In some ways, yes, I am in the same place but as I said there have been some small changes. Not the changes anyone here would appreciate but still changes. I know they aren't enough but it is my reality. What I want I cannot have and is unimportant. I don't have a hold of my husband as he isn't my possesion but a man who has free will and makes his own choices. Right now his choice is for us to be together. If he wanted to go I wouldn't make divorce difficult. I have told him that and he thanked me.

 

No one deserves what I am doing.

[DKT3]

In some ways, yes, I am in the same place but as I said there have been some small changes. Not the changes anyone here would appreciate but still changes. I know they aren't enough but it is my reality. What I want I cannot have and is unimportant. I don't have a hold of my husband as he isn't my possesion but a man who has free will and makes his own choices. Right now his choice is for us to be together. If he wanted to go I wouldn't make divorce difficult. I have told him that and he thanked me.

 

No one deserves what I am doing.

 

Your not being honest so in that sense you are "HOLDING" him. If you told him your truth, which is you would love to keep both him and the married man or that you would rather bee with MM he would continue to stay in this sham of a marriage? You are really tricking him with false progress all the while still stabbing him in the back. Would he stay if he knew that? Of course he wouldn't which is why you haven't told him your still (restarted, whatever wording makes you feel less guilty) involved since Dec.

 

For a betrayed spouse there is or can be no progress while your still involved.

[sammy7111]

Your husband must be cheating to or he wouldnt still be there.

[Noirek]

Your not being honest so in that sense you are "HOLDING" him. If you told him your truth, which is you would love to keep both him and the married man or that you would rather bee with MM he would continue to stay in this sham of a marriage? You are really tricking him with false progress all the while still stabbing him in the back. Would he stay if he knew that? Of course he wouldn't which is why you haven't told him your still (restarted, whatever wording makes you feel less guilty) involved since Dec.

 

For a betrayed spouse there is or can be no progress while your still involved.

 

I don't tell him about every email communication but he knows we still communicate. And I know it is hard to understand but I would not rather be with MM. I don't want a future with him and I am slowly distancing myself from him. I don't know why you felt the need to slap me in the face with the quoted part. It doesn't make feel less guilty but worse. I only clarified it because my disappointment in myself comes from the fact the affair was dead and over for good. That is how I felt during the time in between. But I was wrong. I don't think it makes me a better person. I get it though, you hate me. I understand why. But thinking you know what is going on more than I do or adding to my story doesn't really help. Not me at least. Some people may respond to you abrasive words but I can honestly say I find your judgements the least helpful. But I will admit, they are helpful in a different way.

[Noirek]

Your husband must be cheating to or he wouldnt still be there.

 

Maybe he is. I'm not sure why he wouldn't have agreed to a DADT that I proposed if he was. The only sign anyone could find is that he he is staying with me, a known cheater. At least for the time being. In the end it doesn't really matter to me if he is or not. I would still love him and want him. He is my best friend and he puts up with my crazy. The least I could do for him is look the other way. But a woman on the side was not the reason he gave for staying.

[DKT3]

I don't tell him about every email communication but he knows we still communicate. And I know it is hard to understand but I would not rather be with MM. I don't want a future with him and I am slowly distancing myself from him. I don't know why you felt the need to slap me in the face with the quoted part. It doesn't make feel less guilty but worse. I only clarified it because my disappointment in myself comes from the fact the affair was dead and over for good. That is how I felt during the time in between. But I was wrong. I don't think it makes me a better person. I get it though, you hate me. I understand why. But thinking you know what is going on more than I do or adding to my story doesn't really help. Not me at least. Some people may respond to you abrasive words but I can honestly say I find your judgements the least helpful. But I will admit, they are helpful in a different way.

 

My comment echo your actions. Your actions are ones that over ride your words. You in fact have alluded to wanting the MM yet also having your marriage. Your actions back that up. Your words say you want to end it with MM, your actions disagree.

 

My point is, I told you when you started here you wouldn't find success in the way you are handling this situation. The reason is you don't want to, you want nothing more then to maintain both. So those are what your actions support.

 

I don't think I judged you at all and I don't know you so how can I hate you? That is a cope-out in an attempt to deflect from the questions and points I made. All of which you likely would like to avoid.

 

Lastly what did I add to your story that you yourself hasn't by either words or actions?

[aliveagain]

Infidelity is the greatest form of disrespect you can show your spouse. I will let you think about that one for a while. If you are religious, adultery is the only Commandment that is mentioned twice, once for doing it and once for thinking about it. Must be a very important Commandment to be stated twice.

 

Nothing that anyone posts will change what you do because you are choosing to be in infidelity. Your husband one day will have a final decision to make and on that day you will finally have the relationship you have been pushing for. Lets hope that day isn't too far away because everyone deserves to be happy. This is such an easy fix but I guess you first have to want it.

[Furious]

I posted back in December with my story. Everything is here I know it has been a long time but I was waiting for that moment when something had changed. That moment has come but not in the way I expected and not enough of a change to be considered anything positive.

 

After the sound but well deserved beating I recieved here I sought a new job that would be enough to support me and my children making divorce for my husband not be as much of a burden. I am now financially independant of him and would not need a cent should our marriage end because of me. With that said our marriage has not ended nor has there been any talks of divorce since I last posted. Good or bad we are still together and making descision together. We are a couple.

 

As to MM. We still communicate back and forth from time to time. We hugged breifly before Christmas but that is as far as we have went. I do not feel the pull towards him I once felt nor do I find him as attractive. But I fear my reason for this is not good. I truly am a very broken person or in fact evil. But I am choosing to make good descision everyday. Though I know everyone would that I go NC with MM. But my choice is to let it die a natural death. Forcing NC failed for me. Perhaps this alternative fits me better.

 

So, I am afraid I have nothing good to share or at least what everyone was hoping for. That I would either divorce my husband or go NC with MM. But I do feel I am in a better place even though it doesn't mean much to those reading this. And I am enjoying my growing detatchment to MM. Though I question the "why".

 

 

Gently...you seem insecure and have enomourmous validation needs. In your marriage you have a safe place and it allows you to seek something else. The other man need not be someone you can see a future with and the criteria of his character can be less than, as long as he gives you whatever it is you get from him.

 

You call yourself "evil", I don't think you're evil. You're not alone, plenty of folks want double lives and some feel no guilt while some do feel guilt, but that doesn't factor as long as you continue to do what you know is deceitful.

 

I get the feeling that you're self esteem and bouts of rebellion is an internal struggle that is something that has been with you for a very long time.

 

The thing is, you are capable of deceit, but I think you're biggest deception is to yourself.

[Noirek]

My comment echo your actions. Your actions are ones that over ride your words. You in fact have alluded to wanting the MM yet also having your marriage. Your actions back that up. Your words say you want to end it with MM, your actions disagree.

 

My point is, I told you when you started here you wouldn't find success in the way you are handling this situation. The reason is you don't want to, you want nothing more then to maintain both. So those are what your actions support.

 

I don't think I judged you at all and I don't know you so how can I hate you? That is a cope-out in an attempt to deflect from the questions and points I made. All of which you likely would like to avoid.

 

Lastly what did I add to your story that you yourself hasn't by either words or actions?

 

You add to my story by saying my husband doesn't know and telling me I want to be with MM. I took offense to your posting because the tone I get from it is of being talked down too. I got that from the part where you appeared to enjoy telling me you were right before Christmas and where you made the comment about my affair restarting. I found that comment either snide or sarcastic. But I know I might be wrong about your feelings as these are just words. Your attitude towards me as you write might not be the attitude I feel while I read the words. I do think you are not being honest when you say you haven't judged me though. Your posting style at least in this threads and my others feels like you have already decided everything about me and exactly what is going on. And you may be right.

 

I do not want to maintain both but rather want to get to the place where I no longer communicate with MM. The forced NC the first time around obviously failed for me. So this time I am not putting pressure on myself to cut him off. And as I said I am not nearly as invested as I was a few months ago. It is also one of the reasons I have not posted recently.

 

I will not be divorcing my husband. Suggestions to do so will be completely ignored from here on out. That descision is his to make. And as long as he is staying and giving me time to work through my many issues I will be staying in the marriage as well.

[Noirek]

Infidelity is the greatest form of disrespect you can show your spouse. I will let you think about that one for a while. If you are religious, adultery is the only Commandment that is mentioned twice, once for doing it and once for thinking about it. Must be a very important Commandment to be stated twice.

 

Nothing that anyone posts will change what you do because you are choosing to be in infidelity. Your husband one day will have a final decision to make and on that day you will finally have the relationship you have been pushing for. Lets hope that day isn't too far away because everyone deserves to be happy. This is such an easy fix but I guess you first have to want it.

 

My husband is happy. He isn't happy about this but he is happy about everything else. He is able to enjoy the good things I do even while disapproving of my communication with MM. I know that is hard for many to understand. So much so that they don't believe it is true. And I know it doesn't make what I am doing okay or mean he won't get fed up with my demons and move on. I realize that. But when I tell him I am faithful to him again, I want to know it is for the rest of our lives. I want to be able to promise him I will never speak to MM or cheat again. But I do not trust myself at this point so the only thing I promised was that I would leave divorce up to him.

[Noirek]

Gently...you seem insecure and have enomourmous validation needs. In your marriage you have a safe place and it allows you to seek something else. The other man need not be someone you can see a future with and the criteria of his character can be less than, as long as he gives you whatever it is you get from him.

 

You call yourself "evil", I don't think you're evil. You're not alone, plenty of folks want double lives and some feel no guilt while some do feel guilt, but that doesn't factor as long as you continue to do what you know is deceitful.

 

I get the feeling that you're self esteem and bouts of rebellion is an internal struggle that is something that has been with you for a very long time.

 

The thing is, you are capable of deceit, but I think you're biggest deception is to yourself.

I hear a lot about validation issues but I don't really know what that means. I am quite secure in a lot of areas of my life. I am attractive, not gorgeous. I am book smart and friendly. I forgive very easily and rarely hold grudges. I work hard and complete the tasks I start. I love to have fun and to be social. But I cheated on my husband and took away my faithfulness quality and replaced it with deciet. Even though I almost prides myself on never telling a lie, I told thousands of silent ones. I broke my word twice now. And for everyone including myself but excluding my husband that has wiped away any good in me there is. I am cruel and selfish. If that isn't evil I don't really know what is.

 

I don't believe in redemption for everyone anymore. Some maybe if they prove they are worth it. Some of us are simply too far gone. Even if I break ties to MM and never so much as glance at another man (doubtful by looking at my track record) I will never be a good person again.

 

Once, twice a cheater, always a cheater.

[whichwayisup]

I don't tell him about every email communication but he knows we still communicate. And I know it is hard to understand but I would not rather be with MM. I don't want a future with him and I am slowly distancing myself from him.

Even if I break ties to MM

 

Why are you so afraid of not having MM in your life? Why has NC been so hard for you to totally let go of him? You don't want a future with him yet you can't seem to cut him loose and find that genuine respect for your husband by showing him that you're done with MM, no friendship, no contact. As long as MM is still on your mind, still in (limited) contact, your won't be able to reconnect with your husband or really get MM out of your system. MM still feeds something inside of you, whether it be habit, ego or addicted to how you feel when you do hear from him, you gotta cut him out of your life sooner rather than later. Come summer, I hope you are not in touch with him and you tell him goodbye once and for all. Put a deadline on this for yourself, tell your husband too.

[Noirek]

Why are you so afraid of not having MM in your life? Why has NC been so hard for you to totally let go of him? You don't want a future with him yet you can't seem to cut him loose and find that genuine respect for your husband by showing him that you're done with MM, no friendship, no contact. As long as MM is still on your mind, still in (limited) contact, your won't be able to reconnect with your husband or really get MM out of your system. MM still feeds something inside of you, whether it be habit, ego or addicted to how you feel when you do hear from him, you gotta cut him out of your life sooner rather than later. Come summer, I hope you are not in touch with him and you tell him goodbye once and for all. Put a deadline on this for yourself, tell your husband too.

 

I didn't realize NC was so hard on me. That is wrong, I did but ignored it or denied it. Not contacting him was easy to do but emotionally I replaced my feelings for him with anger and than indifference and then anger again. So on and so forth. The affair and my regret over it wa always there. How could I be that person? When he reached out to me to talk so long after so much silence I was skeptical but curious. I thought maybe he had grown a conscience and was apologizing. When he did apologize and told me how much he missed me all my desire for him came rushing back and I felt like a missing piece of me was found. I felt more in control of my emotions. I haven't cut him off again because this time I want to keep all of me. I don't want to miss him. I don't want to force feelings I do not have or deny feelings I do.

 

If I could have anything it would be a chance to never have been involved with him.

[HurtOfGlass]

I am one of the most maligned posters here but I will try to help you as much as I can:

 

You said when your physical affair ended, you replaced your loving feelings for MM with loathing. And then you went almost two years of NC. But when he recontacted you, you again developed an intense emotional affair with him. And your H knew about the new affair thats continuing to this day.

 

This is similar between me and my ex.

 

But what I don't understand is what is it that draws you to MM that you can't share with your husband? If you feel you have lost the spark with your husband why are you not doing anything about it?

 

You said you'd never end up with MM. So what is the reason you still keep in touch with him? Do you enjoy torturing your husband?

[harrybrown]

How is your husband doing?

 

My friend committed suicide when his wife continued her A.

 

It is one of the saddest things. He was a good person, just could not take it anymore. I miss him, not as much as his kids do. I do not know if his wife misses him. I wish she would have made a decision one way or anther.

 

Hope your H finds peace, but not the eternal peace of my good friend.

[Noirek]

I am one of the most maligned posters here but I will try to help you as much as I can:

 

You said when your physical affair ended, you replaced your loving feelings for MM with loathing. It wasn't love but chemistry. I did care about him but It was about the sex.And then you went almost two years of NC. But when he recontacted you, you again developed an intense emotional affair with him. And your H knew about the new affair thats continuing to this day.MM clung to me emotionally for a bit when we reconnected and that upped the emotional side from before but it was my masked physical attraction to him tha came to the surface. However our contact as dwindled a lot since Christmas and the attraction is changing. I would not say it is an intense emotional affair. If my husband were to reas the emails we exchange now he would find them platonic in nature on my side. But it is still wrong and still an affair

 

This is similar between me and my ex.

 

But what I don't understand is what is it that draws you to MM that you can't share with your husband? If you feel you have lost the spark with your husband why are you not doing anything about it?I find my husband extremely sexy and never tire of being in his presence. This isn't because of him or my marriage. I am not monogamous and lack self control. I wish I had known that about me

 

You said you'd never end up with MM. So what is the reason you still keep in touch with him? Do you enjoy torturing your husband?

 

Not everything is about my husband. This is about me and my corrupt nature. I have explained everything a few times. I am a broken person. My husband is happy and well despite those that believe ofherwise. And if he is not he hides it very, very well. I do no time is running out for me but I am working up the courage to request a dadt or open marriage. I don't like deception so I don't lie but I don't like hurting him either. I have a theory that subconsciously I seek this attraction because of the bad me that is turned on by cheating. If I get a green light and no longer feel the pull then I know that it isn't any special chemistry between xMM and I but just me and my horribly corrupt nature.

[lovinDKT3]

You do realize that open means he can sleep with other women right?

 

I ask because your posts are so full of entitlement that I'm not sure you really get it, nor do I think you would be ok with him being involved.

 

When I was knee deep in my affair, I remembered thinking I wished he would have his own affair. I even suggested that if I didn't know it would be ok.

 

He got feed up with me filed for divorce and started having sex with a lot of women. It almost killed me. I used this same line of misguided logic that you are now. You don't want an open marriage, your far too selfish for that. I get that, I was there. Your problem is somewhere along the line you decided you should have whatever you want no matter the rules.

 

This attitude will leave you all alone with a bag full of regrets. Your husband will have his limit.

[aliveagain]

Not everything is about my husband. This is about me and my corrupt nature. I have explained everything a few times. I am a broken person. My husband is happy and well despite those that believe ofherwise. And if he is not he hides it very, very well. I do no time is running out for me but I am working up the courage to request a dadt or open marriage. I don't like deception so I don't lie but I don't like hurting him either. I have a theory that subconsciously I seek this attraction because of the bad me that is turned on by cheating. If I get a green light and no longer feel the pull then I know that it isn't any special chemistry between xMM and I but just me and my horribly corrupt nature.

 

That one statement is all your husband needs to hear from your mouth. I give you credit for your honesty but I don't have a lot of hope for your marriage. My bet is your husband will take himself out of infidelity before he agrees to swinging. If you put more value on O/M than you do on your marriage and family than that should be your focus. I know you deserve to have them both because you want both and it's your life. The truth is most men don't like sharing their wives. Sounds like O/M might be willing to share you because it doesn't sound like he is satisfied with just one woman. I have a very bad feeling about how this is all going to end.

 

Just to add to lovinDKT3's comment, alone with a lot of cats.

Edited March 14, 2015 by aliveagain