I don't know

[Noirek]

Here I am late at night awake when I should be asleep. Besides me is my husband, sleeping and peaceful when he shouldn’t be. I have done the one thing you don’t do in a marriage. I have cheated and betrayed him. And I have done the one thing you don’t do when given the gift of reconciliation. I took about again with the MM. I don’t know why I am here or why I am writing this. I don’t know what I am looking for because I know what I am doing is so very wrong and hurtful. There is nothing to do but not do it. The most grotesque and disturbing descriptions I have given myself. I have read the deserved vitriol against the wayward. And more often than not agree with it. Yet, I am still here.

 

I look at myself and I ask how I got to such a place. I mean I know in the simple explanation that I chose to but when I look back at pre affair me I know she would be appalled at who I have become. Or would she? If I look really hard at her I wonder if that is true. Oh, she believed cheating was wrong, and hurtful and only created a mess. She wasn’t much of a liar or a sneak but rather tell you to your face how she felt or what she planned to do. If you were unhappy in your marriage you fixed it or left. And the only person you ever have sex with is the person you are committed to. It really was and is that simple. Yes, she never thought she’d cheat. But there was this side. dark side. the side that a rational mind does not give in to. The side that would read erotic fiction that involved cheating from the early teen years on and then feel guilty and wrong for getting off to it. Maybe that was the overlooked warning bell she should have seen. But at the time, I thought it was just a fetish of the mind, not reality. It was my erotic fiction and porn choice but not what I liked to hear about in real life. It wasn’t real.

 

But it became my reality.

 

I married the man I lost my virginity to. He was my first everything including “real” kiss. In hindsight I was “easy” and “available” during the dating relationship but I didn’t see myself that way because I wasn’t that way with everyone. Or maybe I just never saw the opportunities. I don’t even know anymore. We got married. We had kids. Things were good and they weren’t. We fought more after the birth of our eldest. Stress and lack of sleep due to her health issues caused us to bicker. But we always made it up. We had another baby to make sure we didn’t have an only child. No health issues but very demanding and a deep denial on my part about having PPD. We still spent a lot of time together. I still felt very much in love. No desire to leave the marriage or throw in the towel. A series of events happened that affected me greatly. The last being an accident that almost resulted in death of a loved one. While it was truly an accident out of my control it happened on my watch and I couldn’t fight the feeling of responsibility for it.

 

In this time I had formed a friendship against my own better judgement with MM. I was attracted to him, yes, but I reminded myself there was nothing wrong with noticing guys were attractive. But, though I didn’t know it then or at least never thought on it, there is a difference between someone being just “attractive” and you being “attracted” to someone. It was the latter for me. I didn’t talk about deep things or my spouse because I didn’t want anything to be “questionable”. Slowly though, things got flirty. And I enjoyed it. I felt alive and like the dark cloud over me didn’t matter. And step by step I broke my own rules minus the talking about my spouse. Flirty words turned to dirty words that turned to a touch here, a lingering hand there. That escalated rather quickly to intercourse.

 

I will write more later. This much has exhausted me and I think I can finally sleep.

[fellini]

Before the massacre gets here to shun you to death I wish to thank you for the effort to put into words the sequence of your fall out of grace. It is rare, especially in here, that a BS can read a story about how a WS reflects upon and understands how s/he got to this stage with such clarity of voice.

 

I thank you for that, because your story helps me probably more than any other WW, to understand better my own WW.

 

I hope you do continue to discuss your particular situation, and I hope to be able to respond, as a BS, to your needs if reconciliation remains on the table for the two of you.

 

Best regards.

[DbleBetrayal]

Well, I guess like other WS's here- you do feel really guilty now- since it's just fresh and new to you. But eventually after 10th, 20th, 50th mattress mambo you will feel no remorse. The next thing up in the WS schedule- start blaming your infidelity on your BS. Next up on the WS schedule, start to emotionally withdrawal and treat the BS like crap. Third, If BS doesn't take your crap, that's always a good reason to escape to the AP. Soon you will find out that your marriage was absolute torture, but you just never knew it before, and it took an affair to bring this to light.

Edited December 10, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[SawtoothMars]

But there was this side. dark side. the side that a rational mind does not give in to. The side that would read erotic fiction that involved cheating from the early teen years on and then feel guilty and wrong for getting off to it. Maybe that was the overlooked warning bell she should have seen. But at the time, I thought it was just a fetish of the mind, not reality. It was my erotic fiction and porn choice but not what I liked to hear about in real life. It wasn’t real.

But it became my reality.

 

Now this is interesting. I went through a sort of phase like this too in my teenage years. I've never cheated though, despite having some near perfect opportunities. When push came to shove... I just wasn't selfish enough. I knew that it would have effected my marriage and hurt someone I love.

 

Turns out though that a few years later she cheated on me. I'm torn as to whether I regret not taking the opportunity to cheat first. I suppose it has left me morally unblemished which really feels good, but maybe it would be nice to be that badguy for a bit.

 

Either way those times are done. The woman I'm married to now is so lovely I struggle to even look at other females.

 

Anyway... sleep well... and please tell your husband what's going on. It just doesn't seem right to start the affair back up while he is working to reconcile.

[shadow_stang]

The second you read my reply, go and break up with your partner. You have become a cheater, and he is hopefully going to move on to someone who will treat him right.

 

From your posts, it seems as if though you know what you have done is wrong. Tough luck. Break up with him, be honest, and don't ever contact him again.

 

"We forge the chains we wear in life."

[andrew9292]

Have a read through my thread. Like you I was in that situation and it seemed like all logic went out of the window. I'm appalled at myself when I look back and tried to justify things that were just wrong and deep down knew it was wrong too.

 

Things like this have the potential to ruin lives, believe me!

[shadow_stang]

Now this is interesting. I went through a sort of phase like this too in my teenage years. I've never cheated though, despite having some near perfect opportunities. When push came to shove... I just wasn't selfish enough. I knew that it would have effected my marriage and hurt someone I love.

 

Wanted to quote this, just to make sure I got in some good communication. Didn't mean to jump all over a cheater, but I'm drinking a bit, and that's something I like to do; seek out the truth. So anyway, I'll get online tomorrow, but if you have done anything against you partner, infidelity wise, go ahead and make an exit. If you were the victim, and your partner did something wrong, then he should make the exit. Y'all need to get away from each other. Figure things out.

Edited December 10, 2014 by shadow_stang

[shadow_stang]

And yes, thank you for your information. Don't mean to be heartless and attack you with a bunch of older updates. It just seems to me, at this time, that whatever was going on between you two should be settled. Don't think that just because you missed a holiday season with someone, that it's over. Maybe it take's time. Just figure out who you are, who your partner is, and what kind of relationship you want to have.

[Bryanp]

Your husband gave you the gift of reconciliation and you honor this gift by continuing to betray, humiliate and put his health at risk for STD's. You are playing your husband for a fool. How very sad for you, your husband and your children. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

[Mal78]

 

I will write more later. This much has exhausted me and I think I can finally sleep.

 

Your writing style is very blazè on the subject. I don't expect a heart felt confession to a bunch of strangers, however you described your life as a serious of misfortunes and as I read I was curious if it any of them was going to be *the* reason you decided to go for round two.

 

Your husband sleeps peacefully as you lay awake in agony. Guilt has ravished your body as you think of your OM.

 

Don't you think your husband should have a choice on how he would like to live the remainder of his life? Does he not deserve the opportunity to explore, find romance, love and passion like you have with your OM? You know as well as most what that brings to one's moral, self esteem and worth.

 

Let him go. The allow yourself all the guilt free sex that can be obtained. Just please try the single type vs MM

[BetrayedH]

You haven't said if you are going to stop.

 

Make that decision and then come clean with your husband.

 

It's not easy but, as you said, it's simple.

[DKT3]

The one thing that jumped out at me is, not once did you mention feelings for your husband. To me this suggests your guilt is more about not caring for him enough to stop you from banging the MM.

 

What your doing is much worse this time, you've seen the pain it caused yet you continue. Why? MM has become more important then your husband, your making your decision and your not picking your husband. I think maybe its time to let him go. I know its not likely because your OM is a MOM which means you would rather string your husband along then risk having neither.

[jm2013]

Do your husband a favor and divorce him and run off with your mm. I'm sure your mm will take great care of you when you leave your husband. Good luck.

[Noirek]

Prior to my affair my sex life had been in a decline. When MM and I had sex the first time it had been 3 months since anything had happened with my husband. I told myself that the one had nothing to do with the other. I didn’t want an excuse. But, ignoring the decline in sex was not a noble thing for me to do. I had done everything I could think of to get my husband to want me again pre affair including sending him to the doctor. I thought I had grown to ugly from weight gain and saggy body. I thought maybe we had been affected by the Madonna/whore complex. I took up doing grooming I had never done before. After we talked I’d get some sex but it would quickly die off and was never very good. I decided no more instigating and that is when the sex completely stopped. Even though I “told” myself it was unrelated to my seeking sex with someone else I know that is untrue. Even though I didn’t admit it to myself I know that there was a part of me that felt if my Husband didn’t want me at least this other man did. He brought what was missing from my marriage into my life.

 

Looking back I only shake my head. With all the pieces together I can’t believe how selfish I was/am and how I couldn’t see what was right before my nose.

 

Who would want to have sex with a woman who was so depressed she cried at the drop of the hat. For a year from the birth of our last he would come home and I would leave the room to go be in the dark. I wouldn’t seek help because it “wasn’t that bad”. After all I didn't want to harm my children. So there was my poor husband who would come home from working all day to then caring for his children. Good meals by me were infrequent and chores barely done. He had to do almost everything everyday. I kept the children fed and alive. If he mentioned me doing anything I would burst into tears and self flagellate. It was bad but I didn’t see it. I didn’t see him sink into his own depression because he was overwhelmed and stressed. He knew I had been through a lot. I forgot he had been through it with me.

 

When my affair started I decided that in order to make up to my husband who I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with I would be the best wife ever. I became more outgoing again and tried to put in more of an effort at home. No more sitting in a dark room anymore just staring. No more tears. It worked for a while but really not long. I became agitated with the double life. I was cleaning out our medicine cabinet and I discovered one of my migraine medications was an anti anxiety drug and I started taking it when I felt like flying a part. It worked a little but I became irrational and emotional again. And when my affair was taken from me I crashed hard. I planned my suicide as I was convinced that everyone would truly be better without me. All my judgements of cheaters came down on me and I decided a dead mom and wife was better than a cheating and lying one. I saw it as they would be messed up by a split home, caused by infidelity, a depressed and crazy mom or a mom that abandoned them. No real good answer. My plan had a hole and I was unable to end my life. I called my husband and he came home. As he held me and begged me to stay with him I knew he wouldn't say that if he knew. Oh, he would never want me dead but he wouldn’t want me in his life. I didn’t tell him then but I did a week later.

 

He decided he wanted to make us work. Because we loved each other even though I was too broken for my love to be worth anything. I saw a counsellor and was tested for stds. I told him absolutely everything he wanted to hear about my affair, I went NC with my AP and told his wife. I stopped focusing on my needs and focused on my husband’s. Slowly, and with many emotional setbacks I climbed out of the pit I was in.

[Noirek]

I replaced attraction for MM with loathing. His wife told me he denied everything and that I was trying to steal him away. I didn’t tell her that I never wanted to steal him away. I thought I was just borrowing him for sex. I realized that didn’t make it any better and did not matter. I now know that the hatred and loathing was really just a mask for missing him. While I was focused on my husband a small part of me was still with MM masked by self loathing. Looking back it is clear I never really disconnected from him but I thought I had.

 

Over this time, almost two years, I became a much better wife. My husband no longer had to do everything. Our sex life improved as a result and is still improving. I felt happy and ignored any pangs or thoughts I had over MM. To me those were just the result of his end treatment of me and the fact that my count was now at two. There was a death in my family of someone who was close to me. I made it through this time without falling into depression. I truly felt I was better. My husband was wonderful through this all. Oh, we had the work and pangs of recovery but considering what I had done to him and our marriage he was a saint.

 

And then MM contacted me. I told my husband the moment it happened. MM wanted to talk to me. I told myself I was just curious. I had no feelings for him and maybe it was an apology. Instead he told me how much he missed me. That he wondered how I was and if I wanted to be friends. It was like something deep inside of me broke free and I responded. Things escalated quickly this time but on an emotional level with no physical meetings. We were caught quickly this time. And I was honest once again with my husband. I told him I couldn’t promise NC because I had promised never to cheat again once and proven to be a liar. We are still in contact and husband knows. He just hasn’t decided yet what actions he is going to take. He had me promise him that I would not throw in the towel on our marriage so divorce and/or separation is up to him. He is hurt by my actions and disappointed in me. I don’t blame him, I feel the same way.

 

I love him so very much but my love is worthless and meaningless. I am damaged goods and know that will never change. I do not deserve him nor will I ever. Not self flagellation, the truth. I look back and I see that bride standing at the alter and I wonder if she knew she had it in her to be such a terrible person. She meant every word she said and had no desire for another man to touch her ever. She imagined growing old together through the good times and the bad.

 

I don’t want a life with MM. But yet I hurt my husband and throw away my life with him in order to have him as an AP. It is wrong on so many levels with no self justification for it. I guess I hope in writing this all down I will finally choose to stop and my feelings will leave for MM. I really am crazy.

 

Thank you everyone who took the time to read this. I am going to read the 2x4 responses now. I know I have earned them.

[Noirek]

Before the massacre gets here to shun you to death I wish to thank you for the effort to put into words the sequence of your fall out of grace. It is rare, especially in here, that a BS can read a story about how a WS reflects upon and understands how s/he got to this stage with such clarity of voice.

 

I thank you for that, because your story helps me probably more than any other WW, to understand better my own WW.

 

I hope you do continue to discuss your particular situation, and I hope to be able to respond, as a BS, to your needs if reconciliation remains on the table for the two of you.

 

Best regards.

 

Thank you for this. I really felt I need to get it out of course. I hope that there are people who choose in the beginning better than I. I admit though I don't have much hope. I don't know if anyone could have talked me out of my own affair.

[Noirek]

Well, I guess like other WS's here- you do feel really guilty now- since it's just fresh and new to you. But eventually after 10th, 20th, 50th mattress mambo you will feel no remorse. The next thing up in the WS schedule- start blaming your infidelity on your BS. Next up on the WS schedule, start to emotionally withdrawal and treat the BS like crap. Third, If BS doesn't take your crap, that's always a good reason to escape to the AP. Soon you will find out that your marriage was absolute torture, but you just never knew it before, and it took an affair to bring this to light.

 

You posted to soon before I could finish. I grew exhuasted last night and so waited unil the am to finish.

[Noirek]

The second you read my reply, go and break up with your partner. You have become a cheater, and he is hopefully going to move on to someone who will treat him right.

 

From your posts, it seems as if though you know what you have done is wrong. Tough luck. Break up with him, be honest, and don't ever contact him again.

 

"We forge the chains we wear in life."

 

Do you mean my husband or my AP?

[Noirek]

Your husband gave you the gift of reconciliation and you honor this gift by continuing to betray, humiliate and put his health at risk for STD's. You are playing your husband for a fool. How very sad for you, your husband and your children. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

 

The rolls aren't reversed so I don't know how exactly I would act. If it was now I would feel it was my fault. If this entire story was his I know I would be soul crushed just like I have done/am doing to him.

[jm2013]

Are you comfortable with losing your husband forever? If you're not, then why do you continue to do all the wrong things? Why did you risk the very little you had left?

[Noirek]

The one thing that jumped out at me is, not once did you mention feelings for your husband. To me this suggests your guilt is more about not caring for him enough to stop you from banging the MM.

 

What your doing is much worse this time, you've seen the pain it caused yet you continue. Why? MM has become more important then your husband, your making your decision and your not picking your husband. I think maybe its time to let him go. I know its not likely because your OM is a MOM which means you would rather string your husband along then risk having neither.

 

This isn't entirely true. I want both but know by continuing communication will lose my husband. But everytime I go NC, I break it. Even long past the one year mark. My promises mean nothing.

[Noirek]

Are you comfortable with losing your husband forever? If you're not, then why do you continue to do all the wrong things? Why did you risk the very little you had left?

 

I don't know. I ask myself that question often.

[stillafool]

This isn't entirely true. I want both but know by continuing communication will lose my husband. But everytime I go NC, I break it. Even long past the one year mark. My promises mean nothing.

 

Then why not do the right thing and divorce your husband. You admit you can't keep promises. No one needs to be in a marriage with someone who is untrustworthy.

[Noirek]

Then why not do the right thing and divorce your husband. You admit you can't keep promises. No one needs to be in a marriage with someone who is untrustworthy.

 

He wants the descision to be his. I am not going to divorce him until he knows it is what he wants.

[jm2013]

He wants the descision to be his. I am not going to divorce him until he knows it is what he wants.

 

Are you still having sex with mm? Who on earth would he still have to make a "decision" when you're still communicating allegedly "in the open" with mm and not hiding anything? It's almost like you already made the decision for him. Is your husband in that much denial to stay with you? You are living in a one sided open marriage. Perhaps your husband can find another woman to use as his own sexual toy box and you two can cohabitate together.