Confessed - **Updated**

[violet1]

I think deep down whether they want to admit it or not, cheaters get a kick out of hurting the ones the love the most. Cheating on your partner is the ultimate taboo, which is why so many indulge.

That certainly wasn't the case for me. I was so lost and unhappy with my marriage at the time. I justified my affair to death. I heavily blamed my actions on my H and marriage. Now, I see it was ALL me. My H is in the same M as me and he never cheated. I didn't cope with life well. The A felt like an escape. I didn't get a kick out of hurting my H. I was truly lost and confused. If I could go back and change it all I would in a heart beat.

[Poptart]

I don't think I need a journal entry to know what a cheater is thinking and feeling in "the moment". They are thinking about themselves, and they are feeling thrilled. That's what got them in that moment.

 

This is generic speculation but it could be completely incorrect.

[Poptart]

That certainly wasn't the case for me. I was so lost and unhappy with my marriage at the time. I justified my affair to death. I heavily blamed my actions on my H and marriage. Now, I see it was ALL me. My H is in the same M as me and he never cheated. I didn't cope with life well. The A felt like an escape. I didn't get a kick out of hurting my H. I was truly lost and confused. If I could go back and change it all I would in a heart beat.

 

I think this is a little bit closer to gaining an understanding.

 

You said the A felt like an "escape." OK I can see why someone who is unhappy might need to want to "escape" from the situation.

 

So, how did you decide that the means of "escape" should be having sex with another man as opposed to say maxing out a credit card on a shopping spree; taking too much drugs or alcohol; or going on a solo vacation to someplace you always wanted to travel? All of which are forms of "escape" which people indulge themselves in.

 

Why the sex with another man as the chosen form of "escape" from the unhappy relationship?

 

What were you telling yourself at the time, in the moment? How did having sex with another man represent an "escape" in your mind, from your unhappy marriage?

[Selfish]

I think deep down whether they want to admit it or not, cheaters get a kick out of hurting the ones the love the most. Cheating on your partner is the ultimate taboo, which is why so many indulge.

 

Not true in the slightest for me. And I know not true for many others. But then, we are all selfish in some way and often want to make everything about us.

[anne1707]

I think deep down whether they want to admit it or not, cheaters get a kick out of hurting the ones the love the most. Cheating on your partner is the ultimate taboo, which is why so many indulge.

 

 

I see a lot of criticism of WS and whilst I don't always agree with it, I let it go because I can understand where it is coming from. But this is completely wrong to the point of being offensive.

[Poptart]

I see a lot of criticism of WS and whilst I don't always agree with it, I let it go because I can understand where it is coming from. But this is completely wrong to the point of being offensive.

 

How is it "completely wrong"?

 

Are you saying no cheater ever gets a thrill out of doing it with the knowledge that it would hurt their spouse to find out about it, or not caring if they do or don't find out about it?

 

There are definitely cheaters who effectively rub their spouse's face in the fact of the affair, at least those cheaters are obviously getting real pleasure out of hurting and humiliating their spouses.

[anne1707]

How is it "completely wrong"?

 

Are you saying no cheater ever gets a thrill out of doing it with the knowledge that it would hurt their spouse to find out about it, or not caring if they do or don't find out about it?

 

There are definitely cheaters who effectively rub their spouse's face in the fact of the affair, at least those cheaters are obviously getting real pleasure out of hurting and humiliating their spouses.

 

Your post made it sound as if the norm is for WS to enjoy causing pain. That is why it so offensive and blatantly wrong.

[Selfish]

How is it "completely wrong"?

 

Are you saying no cheater ever gets a thrill out of doing it with the knowledge that it would hurt their spouse to find out about it, or not caring if they do or don't find out about it?

 

There are definitely cheaters who effectively rub their spouse's face in the fact of the affair, at least those cheaters are obviously getting real pleasure out of hurting and humiliating their spouses.

 

The post she objected to was blanket statement. There was no some, many or even most used. That is why she said it was completely wrong. Because like her it was completely wrong about us.

[DbleBetrayal]

How is it "completely wrong"?

 

Are you saying no cheater ever gets a thrill out of doing it with the knowledge that it would hurt their spouse to find out about it, or not caring if they do or don't find out about it?

 

There are definitely cheaters who effectively rub their spouse's face in the fact of the affair, at least those cheaters are obviously getting real pleasure out of hurting and humiliating their spouses.

 

 

I think you are describing a mental patient. Cheaters are just people that got their rocks off and had feelings with someone else other than there significant other. The large majority don't rub it in their spouses faces (I haven't read or heard of any cases of that here),- in fact most Betrayed spouses had no clue and had to find out anther way. If anything, it's not wanting to rub it in there spouses faces, it's the secrecy that is the thrill if there is one. The illusion of unrequited love. It's not that intricate really.

[Furious]

Your post made it sound as if the norm is for WS to enjoy causing pain. That is why it so offensive and blatantly wrong.

 

 

I agree that for many WS's they don't specifically cheat to cause the spouse pain....but let's be honest...the WS knows that if discovered they will cause pain and that's something they are willing to risk. The enjoyment of the affair overrules the pain they may cause and so be it.

 

It's not an accident, it's a choice to risk hurting your spouse. It's intentional in the sense that the WS's want superseded the devastation their spouse may experience.

[anne1707]

I agree that for many WS's they don't specifically cheat to cause the spouse pain....but let's be honest...the WS knows that if discovered they will cause pain and that's something they are willing to risk. The enjoyment of the affair overrules the pain they may cause and so be it.

 

It's not an accident, it's a choice to risk hurting your spouse. It's intentional in the sense that the WS's want superseded the devastation their spouse may experience.

 

Knowing that what you are doing would cause pain is not the same as enjoying causing pain.

[Furious]

Knowing that what you are doing would cause pain is not the same as enjoying causing pain.

 

I agree but the damage is the same, how can telling your spouse that you didn't want to hurt them but still hurt them make the pain less.

[Selfish]

I agree but the damage is the same, how can telling your spouse that you didn't want to hurt them but still hurt them make the pain less.

 

It matters to some. I know my spouse could not have forgiven me if I had taken delight in rubbing the A in their face. Being inconsiderate hurts. But there is something extra diabolical about enjoying that misery.

[anne1707]

It matters to some. I know my spouse could not have forgiven me if I had taken delight in rubbing the A in their face. Being inconsiderate hurts. But there is something extra diabolical about enjoying that misery.

 

I agree. There is a world of difference especially if wanting to reconcile.

[jbrent890]

Please understand I meant no offense by my statement, but you all said it yourself that you had to justify your affairs, especially if the spouse wasn't giving you something. I'm glad you all realized that your affairs were on you, but you have to admit that you chose to do something that you knew would devastate your spouses. I think at some level you have to own up to that. You wouldn't have to justify your affairs if you didn't at some level feel that way. Again, I'm sorry if I'm offending anyone.

[jbrent890]

Also I'm not talking about in hindsight. I'm talking about the point in time in which you decided to finally have sex. One poster said that she was unhappy and blamed her husband for her cheating. It wasn't until after the affair was revealed that she realized that it was on her. But at the start of sexual intercourse, getting back at your spouse for your perceived unhappiness was at some level a motivator. You wouldn't justify your affair if it wasn't. Again, I hope these posts dont come off as I'm attacking you. I have actually grown to respect a lot of you.

[BetrayedH]

In some cases, affairs happen because the wayward has developed resentment for their betrayed spouse and used it as a justification. But again, this isn't representative of all affairs. Plenty of affairs happen in otherwise "happy" marriages where the wayward had an opportunity to get more out of life and thought they could get away with it. There's a lot of examples of waywards that admit quite honestly that they have a good spouse at home and found themselves cheating anyway. Not all affairs are born/justified by perceived unhappiness. It's a myth that "something was obviously wrong in the marriage" for an affair to have happened. Choosing to cheat is a personal problem, not a marital one and plenty of waywards validate this for us.

[anne1707]

Thank you Betrayed for both your maturity and grace in your understanding WS. You see us as at fault but human too, without making incorrect sweeping judgements about our reasoning or motivations.

[jbrent890]

I'm not saying that all people that cheat do this. I understand people who cheat are usually happy in their marriages, especially men. However, most people don't realize they were indeed happy until their knee deep in the affair or after it comes crashing down. And I'm not saying they cheated because they hated their spouses. As we all know, the majority of people cheat is because they are bored and have no idea how to cope with it. I think a certain level of resentment for their spouse does come into play at the point. Because the cheater at that point in time didn't realize it's up to them to make them happy, they assumed it was the spouses job. Overit said it herself that she finally realized that it was up to her to make herself happy. However, this realization did not come into play until after her affair came to light. I'm not saying that resentment was the major reason for most affairs, but it is a contributing factor none the less.

[aliveagain]

anne1707 there lies the dilemma that a betrayed spouse has to weigh and ponder. As a mature and intelligent human being you read the words maturity and grace, why do those words apply now after the wayward spouse has had their one night stand, their 3 month, 2 year, 7 year, 10 year, affair child, too drunk to stop, never stopped loving you, wasn't thinking about consequences, can't take it back change the imbalance that the betrayed spouse has to further endure if they want to keep their family together? Where was maturity and grace when the decision was made what to wear before leaving the house that day? Where was maturity and grace when the wayward chose to put themselves in that place alone with a predator? Where was maturity and grace when they conceived the lie about their whereabouts? Where was maturity and grace when they went back again and again and again and had to collaborate further lies against their partner, lies they created with someone they allowed freely into their relationship? Where was maturity and grace when they made the decision about the use of protection, again and again and again?

 

The ugliness that is the real affair(for the couple in the marriage) may not materialize immediately, it could show up 1, 4, 7, 10 years after the fact. You can't control the outcome when it does because there is no measure for the imbalance the affair created. How will you ever know what your relationship should have been because it was never given the opportunity to evolve and mature naturally?

 

Infidelity is such a waste of lives, once created it can't be undone, all you can do is agree to endure it. That decision to endure is at the core of reconciliation. It is never fair for the one being betrayed. Just how much should you be expected to put into a relationship, will they ever be able to make you feel safe again?

[anne1707]

Aliveagain

 

I have said nothing to excuse the actions of WS and I would hope by now after all my years on LS that you know I would not do that. My problem in this thread has been these posts:

 

I think deep down whether they want to admit it or not, cheaters get a kick out of hurting the ones the love the most. Cheating on your partner is the ultimate taboo, which is why so many indulge.

 

This suggests that all WS enjoy causing pain on the BS. As I said earlier this is very wrong and offensive. Doing something that knowingly causes pain is not the same as enjoying causing pain. It is however about being a selfish idiot (putting it mildly)

 

Please understand I meant no offense by my statement, but you all said it yourself that you had to justify your affairs.

 

I have never tried to justify my affair. There was no justification. There were problems in the marriage that were a joint responsibility but the affair was all my doing. Hence again this statement is wrong. Not all justify affairs.

 

But at the start of sexual intercourse, getting back at your spouse for your perceived unhappiness was at some level a motivator. You wouldn't justify your affair if it wasn't.

 

Yet another deeply offensive post and again very wrong.

 

 

 

As I said in my first post in this thread, I often see comments made about WS that even though I feel are wrong I ignore because I can understand why a poster feels that way. However the above posts are just beyond insulting in my opinion and cannot ignore them.

 

This is not about excusing behaviours or blaming others. It is about trying to genuinely understand and learn. Something both WS and BS need to do if going down the path of reconciliation

[signpost]

So, scheming to meet the OM/OW, doing all you can do to keep the affair a secret from your BS, lying to your BS isn't 'deliberately setting out to hurt the BS'??

So, hadn't you thought of how your BS would feel if he/she ever found out? especially at the time of going all the way? wasn't he/she in your thoughts at THE moment? Why? Call it what you may, sugarcoat it as much as you want, but You knew it'd hurt your BS and yet you did it anyway - that, in my opinion, shows a deliberate intent to hurt the BS.

Edited November 29, 2014 by signpost

[anne1707]

So, scheming to meet the OM/OW, doing all you can do to keep the affair a secret from your BS, lying to your BS isn't 'deliberately setting out to hurt the BS'??

So, hadn't you thought of how your BS would feel if he/she ever found out? especially at the time of going all the way? wasn't he/she in your thoughts at THE moment? Why? Call it what you may, sugarcoat it as much as you want, but You knew it'd hurt your BS and yet you did it anyway - that, in my opinion, shows a deliberate intent to hurt the BS.

 

 

Sigh....

 

If you read what I actually said, I never said that the actions of a WS do not hurt the BS. What I am objecting to is the suggestion that WS enjoy inflicting that pain on the BS.

[BetrayedH]

So, scheming to meet the OM/OW, doing all you can do to keep the affair a secret from your BS, lying to your BS isn't 'deliberately setting out to hurt the BS'??

So, hadn't you thought of how your BS would feel if he/she ever found out? especially at the time of going all the way? wasn't he/she in your thoughts at THE moment? Why? Call it what you may, sugarcoat it as much as you want, but You knew it'd hurt your BS and yet you did it anyway - that, in my opinion, shows a deliberate intent to hurt the BS.

 

Waywards typically keep the affair secret and lie so that they don't hurt the BS. It may not bear out that way since about half are either caught or confess but still, the intent is not (typically) to hurt but to engage in some selfish behavior WITHOUT hurting anyone. This is vastly different from deliberately hurting someone. I also think it's a stretch to say that the BS was in their mind at THE moment. I'd suggest that the BS is the last thing being thought about then.

 

Look, waywards may be guilty of a lot of things but they're not guilty of all things. They may have disregarded the pain that they could potentially cause but that doesn't mean that they deliberately inflicted the pain or got off on it.

 

IMHO, the vast majority of affairs simply aren't about the BS. They're like a kid with his hand in the cookie jar. They didn't mean to cause you pain by depriving you of the cookie; they just wanted it for themselves.

[jbrent890]

Aliveagain

 

I have said nothing to excuse the actions of WS and I would hope by now after all my years on LS that you know I would not do that. My problem in this thread has been these posts:

 

 

 

This suggests that all WS enjoy causing pain on the BS. As I said earlier this is very wrong and offensive. Doing something that knowingly causes pain is not the same as enjoying causing pain. It is however about being a selfish idiot (putting it mildly)

 

 

 

I have never tried to justify my affair. There was no justification. There were problems in the marriage that were a joint responsibility but the affair was all my doing. Hence again this statement is wrong. Not all justify affairs.

 

 

 

Yet another deeply offensive post and again very wrong.

 

 

 

As I said in my first post in this thread, I often see comments made about WS that even though I feel are wrong I ignore because I can understand why a poster feels that way. However the above posts are just beyond insulting in my opinion and cannot ignore them.

 

This is not about excusing behaviours or blaming others. It is about trying to genuinely understand and learn. Something both WS and BS need to do if going down the path of reconciliation

 

Anne I get what your saying, but your posts are still supporting my notion. This is the last time I'm going to bring this up because I see it's upsetting you, and that's not my goal. However, I do not think you came to your realizations during your affair. It probably wasn't until months of therapy where you realized your affair was on you. Again, that's in hindsight. I understand that you did not want to deliberately hurt your husband, hince the secrecy, but I'm trying to elude to what your mindset was when your affair started to get physical. You said it yourself there were issues in your marriage due to both parties. When your affair started to get physical, I think a certain level of resentment for the spouse came into place. "We weren't having enough sex", "he spent too much time at work", "I felt like his roommate". All of these and more are something you told yourself at that point in time or before to help justify your actions. I'm glad you realized there were no justifications for your actions but that realization did not come until after the fact. That's the point I'm trying to make. I think your lying to yourself as a means to hold some shred of decency by not admitting that a certain level of resentment did come into play at that point in time in thinking. Listen Anne, I don't know you or anyone else on here. I can only go by what you all post on here. I have read a lot of your stories and I'm proud to see a lot of personal growth. However, I feel that a lot of stories all follow the same pattern in which originally there was some resentment for the BS. It wasn't until things like coming on here, buying books, and going to therapy when the WS finally realizes their cheating was on them. I hope that help illustrates my point a little more.