Confessed - **Updated**

[spanz1]

i dont know your whole backstory. But it sounds pretty sordid.

 

WHY are you so upset? Do you want your husband back?

 

If so, you know what we are going to say! you need to do some HEAVY LIFTING.

 

1st, if you cheated at work with a boss, you need to quit that job (or at least get transfered far away)

 

you need to completely come clean to hubby. Answer ANY question he has in as detailed a way as he wants.

 

You have to really want to reconcile. That means ANYTHING your husband wants, he gets.

 

You give up all passwords to EVERYTHING. GIve him your phone, laptop, help him find every social media site you ever were on, make sure he can get into eachone of them.

 

You have to shower him in great sex.

 

you need to get a complete checkup for all the various STDs, and show him the test results.

 

And THAT is just the start. If you are not willing to start off that way....let him go. why screw him up further with a false recobery

[Clay]

I really does not sound like she has had the best control over her life. Your right she did get caught but she did say she told him about it at that point. Sure its ideal to have someone be honest in the first place but at least he now know the truth. So many people that cheat and get caught never tell the full truth.

 

I hope for her case they do stay separated. I think she needs some serious counseling.

 

Clay

[drifter777]

He kicked you out? I can understand - he's feeling shock, disbelief, anger, and pain. You have destroyed him and it's going to be a long time - if ever - for him to recover.

 

The good news for you is that most men will at least try to reconcile with their WW. Some of them are strong enough to go straight to divorce (my hero's) and it's certainly possible your husband is one of those guys. I think you need to decide if you even want to try to reconcile with him before he comes back and tells you he wants to try to work things out. Lots of people are posting advice on the things you need to do to make reconciliation possible, but first things first and you need to decide whether your marriage is worth saving.

 

If he kicked you out then you certainly have a good start to living on your own. Maybe your OM will put you up in an apartment or even move in with you. Think of the wonderful life the two of you can have now that your pesky husband is out of the way. I'm sure you can visit your children - judges always award visitation to mother - so you will figure out how to live on your own. Good luck!

[Friskyone4u]

A little late to be scared, wouldn't you say.! If you give a **** about your husband you will throw your boyfriend under the bus and help your husband expose him to his wife. That might do two things

(1) show your husband you care more about being with him that protecting your AP. Also the decent thing to do by the way. His wife deserves to know

(2) it will almost certainly end it for you and knock you out of any "of the so called "fog

You carried on this affair,!made no attempt to stop it until caught, so this is hardly a "confession ".

Just curious what did you expect when he found out. If he had been a weakling and begged you to stay Inwonder if you would be so hurt and sorry or would you be taking your fun further underground.

If your husband has any sense the first thing he wil do if he considers taking you back after you quit that job is to call the Alan wife, and then strip you of any privacy you have and make you account for every minute. You are not trustworthy at this point and you know that. And all your post was about you and what you are going through. Hardly remorse, only regret. Very sad

[Striver]

So you think the Husband should go to their job & say that his wife & her boss had an affair? I mean I could see that possibly happening out of anger on his part. But if there's any possible way to save the marriage, she's going to have to leave that job in one way or another. And she's going to have to have absolutely zero contact with her boss ever again.

 

The WS should quit immediately. It would have helped had she quit when she ended the A, even if D Day didn't happen at that time.

 

Full disclosure is not a magic bullet. Percentage-wise it probably helps, but knowing everything ends the marriage a lot of times too. Not everything can be forgiven, or the WS is honest but not remorseful enough or at all.

 

In this case the details aren't so good. Wife sleeping with the boss, probably harder for a BH to take than some old friend of hers or the neighbor or some random guy. From reading her thread, seems like she is up the creek. She fell in love with a serial cheat who is never going to be her partner, and is incapable of or unwilling to rekindle things in her marriage. I do believe love can be recovered and a long game can be played in a marriage, but a fair number of people aren't willing to put in the work.

[NJ123]

The WS should quit immediately. It would have helped had she quit when she ended the A, even if D Day didn't happen at that time.

 

Full disclosure is not a magic bullet. Percentage-wise it probably helps, but knowing everything ends the marriage a lot of times too. Not everything can be forgiven, or the WS is honest but not remorseful enough or at all.

 

In this case the details aren't so good. Wife sleeping with the boss, probably harder for a BH to take than some old friend of hers or the neighbor or some random guy. From reading her thread, seems like she is up the creek. She fell in love with a serial cheat who is never going to be her partner, and is incapable of or unwilling to rekindle things in her marriage. I do believe love can be recovered and a long game can be played in a marriage, but a fair number of people aren't willing to put in the work.

 

Yeah, I agree she should have quit right away after the affair ended. That was a big mistake on her part. And until she posts about it we won't know what the story is about the whole job situation. If they try to save their marriage, she's going to have to quit that job. There's absolutely not even a 1% chance of it working out if she stays there. And I agree sleeping with the boss is WAY worse than almost anyone else. Since you have to interact with them all day for 5 or 6 days a week. That's going to be really hard to take for the husband.

[OverIt75]

I'm not even sure how, or if, to respond.

 

Maybe I'm not accustomed to Internet forums, but it's shocking the level of judgment and vitriol I've received from complete strangers. Honestly if I took many of you to heart, I might not make it through the night. I can only hope that this situation will give me a level of empathy not seen here (this does not apply to all of you - but unfortunately the vast majority who are replying to my post).

 

Facts:

 

The affair ended a couple of months ago (not bc I got caught).

 

Confessing felt out of the question, right or wrong.

 

But when he asked me, I told him everything. I didn't say I voluntarily confessed. Sorry of I mis-named my thread.

 

H kicked me out but we met this morning and have spent the day hashing through it all.

 

We jointly sent a message to work advising that I no longer work there.

 

This is the most horrible thing I have ever done or put us through.

 

I don't know the outcome, but if my H will have me, I am committed to trying to make it work.

 

Our lives are forever changed because of my stupid terrible choices.

 

I won't be posting here anymore. I need to focus on making my life right.

[Artie Lang]

you seriously expect people to feel bad for you for cheating on your husband with your boss, when many were telling you to end it; confess to your husband; and start looking for another job. you were warned countless times that it was a matter of time before you were "found out."

 

 

if anything, i feel for the innocent people you two(AP) have dragged into this mess.

 

 

sorry, but you eventually reap what you sow.

 

 

i hope your husband does the right thing and informs this man's wife

Edited October 28, 2014 by Artie Lang

[whichwayisup]

I'm not even sure how, or if, to respond.

 

Maybe I'm not accustomed to Internet forums, but it's shocking the level of judgment and vitriol I've received from complete strangers. Honestly if I took many of you to heart, I might not make it through the night. I can only hope that this situation will give me a level of empathy not seen here (this does not apply to all of you - but unfortunately the vast majority who are replying to my post).

 

Facts:

 

The affair ended a couple of months ago (not bc I got caught).

 

Confessing felt out of the question, right or wrong.

 

But when he asked me, I told him everything. I didn't say I voluntarily confessed. Sorry of I mis-named my thread.

 

H kicked me out but we met this morning and have spent the day hashing through it all.

 

We jointly sent a message to work advising that I no longer work there.

 

This is the most horrible thing I have ever done or put us through.

 

I don't know the outcome, but if my H will have me, I am committed to trying to make it work.

 

Our lives are forever changed because of my stupid terrible choices.

 

I won't be posting here anymore. I need to focus on making my life right.

Don't leave. Ignore the rude words and those who are not helpful. Stay because there are a lot of people who will help you through this - but at the same time, grow a thick skin because caring and helpful advice can be harsh (meaning stuff you need to hear) but it's said respectfully. Read other threads by BS's and WS's, learn from them. Keep an open mind.

 

I hope you and your husband can work through this together. Remember it takes a forgiving and special person to take back a cheating spouse...Your husband seems to be that type of man so do everything you can to prove to him that you're worthy of his love and trust again.

[beach]

I can't see how it would help you to coddle you and tell you you've done nothing wrong.

 

My thoughts are with your husband as he must be heartbroken now.

 

I will encourage you to grow and change.

 

Glad you quit the job. Was that your offer or your husbands request? Have you contacted the OM at all?

 

Has his wife been informed yet?

[NJ123]

Why would you even mention saving the marriage? By all accounts, her husband is a good person. Don't you think it would be unhealthy for him to stay with someone like her? Now is the time to make sure they are both held accountable for their actions, not protect them.

 

Of course her (ex) husband should have him fired. Personally, I'd make sure he'd never work again. If you googled his name, my post would come up before his resume.

 

Even if they reconcile, without appropriate punishment, she'll just do it again. If you notice on this site, the only way cheaters learn is through actions. If he's just a pushover, he'll end up a cockold. It's pretty much mandatory that he has to take this guys life like he took his.

 

Somehow missed this post earlier. I meant since she confessed & if the Husband wants to try to work it out, quitting the job is the only way to try saving the Marriage. And from her last post she said she did leave the job. And it's not our call about what happens in their marriage. It's all in the Husbands' hands. Personally if I were married & got cheated on I wouldn't want to stick with that person, but the Husband may feel differently, we don't know.

 

From her other thread, she does seem like a good person. I could tell she felt genuine guilt unlike lots of other posters on here, but she didn't want to possibly break up her family due to her kids. But finally confessing was the right thing to do in the end, even if it wasn't voluntarily. Some just keep denying nonstop & never want to confess.

Edited October 28, 2014 by NJ123

[petee]

I'm quite mild compared to some on here. But how would this woman have felt if her husband was doing the most intimate of physical activities with someone he worked with? Kissing, laughing, oral and intercourse with a coworker?

I'd be sympathetic, only she has been discussing it for a while so she further disrespected him by doing tricks for her boss, whilst telling us she wanted out.

Her husband is a better man than most if he goes back to her for sticky seconds.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I'm not even sure how, or if, to respond.

 

Maybe I'm not accustomed to Internet forums, but it's shocking the level of judgment and vitriol I've received from complete strangers. Honestly if I took many of you to heart, I might not make it through the night. I can only hope that this situation will give me a level of empathy not seen here (this does not apply to all of you - but unfortunately the vast majority who are replying to my post).

 

Facts:

 

The affair ended a couple of months ago (not bc I got caught).

 

Confessing felt out of the question, right or wrong.

 

But when he asked me, I told him everything. I didn't say I voluntarily confessed. Sorry of I mis-named my thread.

 

H kicked me out but we met this morning and have spent the day hashing through it all.

 

We jointly sent a message to work advising that I no longer work there.

 

This is the most horrible thing I have ever done or put us through.

 

I don't know the outcome, but if my H will have me, I am committed to trying to make it work.

 

Our lives are forever changed because of my stupid terrible choices.

 

I won't be posting here anymore. I need to focus on making my life right.

 

Well, the confession may not have been ideal and the actions not great, but it sounds like he wants to see if he can put things back together. Maybe yes, maybe no, but props to you to knowing you've got work ahead of you. I admire the last statement.

[Clay]

OP,

 

There is now doubt things could have went better for you. I am one of the people hear that is normally very critical of a cheater. I am also really against reconciliation.

 

This is your life and its your marriage. If you really want to fix your marriage and move forward in a honest transparent way then good for you. Good for both of you. I mean that is what it really comes down to is actually learning to open your heart again and own the problems you have caused. It sounds like your both at least starting on the right track.

 

I wish you and your husband nothing but the best.

 

Clay

[Bittersweetie]

Don't leave. Ignore the rude words and those who are not helpful. Stay because there are a lot of people who will help you through this - but at the same time, grow a thick skin because caring and helpful advice can be harsh (meaning stuff you need to hear) but it's said respectfully. Read other threads by BS's and WS's, learn from them. Keep an open mind.

 

 

Yes, please try staying. Maybe just read for a while. There are posters who are helpful, posters who aren't, and others whose helpful words get disguised in rudeness. I remember one response to a post of mine that was so rude...I got so angry...until I stepped back and realized, that person is right. Plus you can always use the ignore feature.

 

These next few weeks will be extremely difficult for both of you. As someone who has been in your shoes, my advice is to take it one day at a time. Be honest with your H and yourself. Take responsibility for your actions. Really examine yourself and your relationship and work on the whys of the choices you made. Don't expect your H to get over it, and don't dismiss any of his feelings. Everything in his world just exploded.

 

You will make it through this, and it is up to you what kind of person you want to be moving forward. Start being that person.

 

Good luck,

BSW

[tom670]

Yes, please try staying. Maybe just read for a while. There are posters who are helpful, posters who aren't, and others whose helpful words get disguised in rudeness. I remember one response to a post of mine that was so rude...I got so angry...until I stepped back and realized, that person is right. Plus you can always use the ignore feature.

 

These next few weeks will be extremely difficult for both of you. As someone who has been in your shoes, my advice is to take it one day at a time. Be honest with your H and yourself. Take responsibility for your actions. Really examine yourself and your relationship and work on the whys of the choices you made. Don't expect your H to get over it, and don't dismiss any of his feelings. Everything in his world just exploded.

 

You will make it through this, and it is up to you what kind of person you want to be moving forward. Start being that person.

 

Good luck,

BSW

 

Overit stick around and give your husband time.

[happyman64]

Overit

 

 

I like your plan. Glad you quit your job. It was about time.

 

 

Now keep communicating with your H and being honest all the time.

 

 

Good Luck

 

 

HM

[drifter777]

Ok, I'm sure some people were nasty & judgmental. I don't think I was nasty but you may think I was and I know I was sneaky judgmental. At some level that's pretty much the price of poker for a WS.

 

At any rate, all of the actions you are taking are exactly what most posters on here advised you to take. I hope it works for you.

 

One thing you are going to have to change is your outlook regarding the discovery of your affair. You need to stop lying to yourself about it. You were found out by your husband and then you opened up about everything. There is a difference between "honey, I have something we need to talk about" and "ok - you got me. Here's the story". And it really isn't a subtle difference. You didn't confess; you were caught and then you came clean.

 

Still, kudo's to you for not trying to lie once you were busted. You seem genuinely remorseful and that's a great place to start. You seem to understand that, at least right now, the heavy lifting is up to you. All good things.

 

I always advise men to divorce their WW because reconciliation is just too hard and painful and the odds that they will ever truly forgive are so low. For men it's all about the sex and seeing you and OM having sex is a mental movie that is going to play and replay in his mind a million times. And these are intrusive thoughts. They don't have to be conjured up or have some obvious trigger to start the disgusting images to roll. But, of course, some men are able to recover and forgive. Others learn to live with their WW because of the kids and/or fear of being alone, and still others realize they can't live with it and divorce. You have some control in all this by way of being willing to do anything to make it up to him, but it's mostly dependent on the kind of man he is inside. If he is the kind of man for whom sex and fidelity is sacred, you should end things now before investing any time in the long, painful process of reconciliation.

[Spectre]

You didn't confess hon, you were caught. You being kicked out does suck for you, but it was also the correct move on your husbands part. I'd give him a kudos(as opposed to the people giving you a kudos for "being honest" even though you were caught so why kudos someone for merely not lying when faced with evidence?) because not all guys have the guts to do the right thing in the "boot them to the curb" regard.

 

Yep, you should of quit your job the second the affair ended, but what can you do now about it now? If your husband has any self respect you will most likely find a divorce coming your way. After all, would you really want it any other way? Picture the life for him if he does stay with you. Waking up at times in the middle of the night next to you..having all kinds of trigger flashes, and feeling both angry and empty inside at the same time as he looks beside him at the woman he loved so much who betrayed him so badly.

 

If you really love him?(You don't, but lets go with it) then leave him alone, that is my advice. Probably won't be popular, but then again you've been given enough kudos in this thread already so..you certainly don't need any more of that. Like I said, if you love em'..leave em' alone.

[Hope Shimmers]

None of us are perfect. And none of us can know what others are going through just from internet posts, so I am not a fan of people who deliver their messages with vitriol and/or who find it necessary to judge.

 

I hope you post again but I understand why you might not want to after this thread. I am glad you opened up to your H when he asked. I wish only the best for you. It is hard. I'm sorry for your pain and I wish you peace.

[gettingstronger]

Wanted to make sure it did not get lost in all the posts, but the post pinned to the top of the forum "what every WS should know" is such an important read-there is also Jacob Letter which deals with the need for details- I am unsure where the two of you are, but I found both of those helped my WS understand me-

[JS84]

I'd stick around. You can always block certain posters and not see their posts if that would help. Try to ignore the passive-aggressive and aggressive commentary made to make you feel worse. It's pretty easy to spot. But you should be prepared to hear things you don't want to hear. You're talking to alot of people who have been in your husbands shoes right now. Many who are willing to help you and a few who would just like to bring you down a peg or two if you let them.

 

As for helpful advice, any questions your husband asks about the affair? Answer it. I don't care how many times he asks. Answer it. I don't care if he brings it up 7 years from now, if you're still married. Answer it.

 

You're going to have to build his trust in you again because right now he has none in you. I forgot if you did this already but open transparency. No passwords, or he has them all. No contact with the other man. If the other man attempts to contact you, immediately tell your husband what he said or show him what he wrote.

 

Even if you don't come back to this thread there are plenty of threads throughout this section that are long dead you could read.

[Spectre]

None of us are perfect. And none of us can know what others are going through just from internet posts, so I am not a fan of people who deliver their messages with vitriol and/or who find it necessary to judge.

 

This is mind boggling, *do not post on this forum* if you do not expect to be judged. One would think that was a given, but apparently some people need this pointed out. You are correct, none of us are perfect, which doesn't really..change much about the situation. You can be an imperfect human while still recognizing horrible behavior in others. People on this forum have a tendency to view any posting that isn't patting the OP on the back as something with "vitriol". No, you act like people came and told her she was going to burn eternally in the firepits of hell.

 

I hope you post again but I understand why you might not want to after this thread. I am glad you opened up to your H when he asked.

 

I can understand not wanting to come back either, some people..to borrow a line, just can't handle the truth. It also doesn't help when we have people like you patting her on the back for merely not lying further when confronted with evidence. It's as if you really just need to strain to give the OP a pat on the back for..some reason. The OP is not a child and doesn't need to be patronized by grasping at straws to find something good about this. There is nothing good about this situation, and if the only good thing you find is lack of further deceit when confronted with overwhelming evidence, well..yeah, what does that say?

 

Hand out congratulations and kudos to someone who does the right thing by informing the betrayed party in a timely manner after the betrayal has occurred, not to someone who only does so when caught.

Edited October 29, 2014 by Spectre

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm not even sure how, or if, to respond.

 

Maybe I'm not accustomed to Internet forums, but it's shocking the level of judgment and vitriol I've received from complete strangers. Honestly if I took many of you to heart, I might not make it through the night. I can only hope that this situation will give me a level of empathy not seen here (this does not apply to all of you - but unfortunately the vast majority who are replying to my post).

 

Facts:

 

The affair ended a couple of months ago (not bc I got caught).

 

Confessing felt out of the question, right or wrong.

 

But when he asked me, I told him everything. I didn't say I voluntarily confessed. Sorry of I mis-named my thread.

 

H kicked me out but we met this morning and have spent the day hashing through it all.

 

We jointly sent a message to work advising that I no longer work there.

 

This is the most horrible thing I have ever done or put us through.

 

I don't know the outcome, but if my H will have me, I am committed to trying to make it work.

 

Our lives are forever changed because of my stupid terrible choices.

 

I won't be posting here anymore. I need to focus on making my life right.

 

Hi OP,

 

I hope you and H are both hanging in there today.

 

I went back and re-read your first post. Nowhere in that post do you say that you are asking for advice. In fact, you seemed to just need to vent (which is perfectly okay) and you noted how you felt ashamed, depressed, etc. Certainly nowhere did you say it would be helpful for you to receive "you should have"s - such as you should have told H without his asking, you should not have had the affair, your behavior was horrible, etc.

 

Then in this second post it was clear (to me at least) that you did in fact not need to be told what you should have done and that you were wrong. As I said before, people aren't perfect but usually they aren't stupid either so given what you are dealing with now, it wasn't a huge leap to me that you learned the hard way that you should have done things differently. Apparently some people think my first post to you was all wrong because I didn't do the "you should have" thing and didn't give you advice you didn't ask for, and I was compassionate instead of harsh. I don't think you really need "harsh" right now - what you are seeing your H go through is enough I'm sure.

 

It sounds like you are going to do whatever it takes to make things work with H if he will agree. Glad you quit your job. There are lots of people here who can offer support and help and not make you feel like a terrible person, so if it helps you, then I hope you continue to post. Best to you -

[DKT3]

Hi OP,

 

I hope you and H are both hanging in there today.

 

I went back and re-read your first post. Nowhere in that post do you say that you are asking for advice. In fact, you seemed to just need to vent (which is perfectly okay) and you noted how you felt ashamed, depressed, etc. Certainly nowhere did you say it would be helpful for you to receive "you should have"s - such as you should have told H without his asking, you should not have had the affair, your behavior was horrible, etc.

 

Then in this second post it was clear (to me at least) that you did in fact not need to be told what you should have done and that you were wrong. As I said before, people aren't perfect but usually they aren't stupid either so given what you are dealing with now, it wasn't a huge leap to me that you learned the hard way that you should have done things differently. Apparently some people think my first post to you was all wrong because I didn't do the "you should have" thing and didn't give you advice you didn't ask for, and I was compassionate instead of harsh. I don't think you really need "harsh" right now - what you are seeing your H go through is enough I'm sure.

 

It sounds like you are going to do whatever it takes to make things work with H if he will agree. Glad you quit your job. There are lots of people here who can offer support and help and not make you feel like a terrible person, so if it helps you, then I hope you continue to post. Best to you -

 

Well, if its things you don't want to hear it makes you feel like a terrible person even if its things you NEED to hear.

 

Remember my friends? Remember how you ripped into me about them? It was stuff I didn't want to hear, but it was also things that lovin had been trying to get me to see for years. Two of those guy are people I should have never had around my kids, nor should I have been around myself. I can honestly say I would still be hanging out with them had you and a couple others not ripped me about it.

 

Op came here on the fence, many of us having been in her husband shoes really told her maybe what we wished or knew what would have made it better from her husband POV. In the end she wasn't willing to pull the trigger on any of it and she has to deal with the worst possible outcome in this situation. That is the whole point in this site, to help people from your POV. If we came here and spouted off some generic "along company lines" slogans as they do on other sites, how does that help anyone? I get that sometimes we project our anger, but we have all done that, haven't we?