Confessed - **Updated**

[Hope Shimmers]

DKT, I am just responding to this OP's thread ON ITS OWN without bringing in things that may have been in her other threads. That is my understanding of the rules of this forum.

 

I read her posts in this thread and personally did not see where she was asking for advice and did not see (based on her second post) where she "needed to hear" anything. It is okay to just ask for support here. Not everything has to be about telling people what they should or should not do. For that matter, even if I were pro-affair and wanted to cheer her on, I would have every right to do that as my opinion is no better or worse than anyone else's here.

 

As for me calling you out in the past about your friends, you may recall that I later apologized to you for that. Even so, you were at the time asking for advice and guidance so it's a bit different than this.

 

I fail to see why you and Spectra found it necessary to single out my post and criticize me. But whatever. Let's please just focus on the OP.

[DKT3]

DKT, I am just responding to this OP's thread ON ITS OWN without bringing in things that may have been in her other threads. That is my understanding of the rules of this forum.

 

I read her posts in this thread and personally did not see where she was asking for advice and did not see (based on her second post) where she "needed to hear" anything. It is okay to just ask for support here. Not everything has to be about telling people what they should or should not do. For that matter, even if I were pro-affair and wanted to cheer her on, I would have every right to do that as my opinion is no better or worse than anyone else's here.

 

As for me calling you out in the past about your friends, you may recall that I later apologized to you for that. Even so, you were at the time asking for advice and guidance so it's a bit different than this.

 

I fail to see why you and Spectra found it necessary to single out my post and criticize me. But whatever. Let's please just focus on the OP.

 

This line is following the lead of the OP. I was pointing out how hearing things I didn't want to hear helped me to see things in a new light.

 

I'm in no way being critical of you, and you had/have nothing to apologize for from my POV. You helped me. Sorry if that's how you took it.

 

Now I agree that she is down, and some seem to want to kick. Again my point is there is a lot of help here, when we are in pain or closed off its hard to see it as help. I was about to post something here that I decided not to because it would have come off as "I told you so" now that would have been useless in her current situation.

 

Again OP, don't close off because what you read is hard to take. There is a lot of useful infromation. Some not so much.

[JustJoe]

I'm not even sure how, or if, to respond.

 

Maybe I'm not accustomed to Internet forums, but it's shocking the level of judgment and vitriol I've received from complete strangers. Honestly if I took many of you to heart, I might not make it through the night. I can only hope that this situation will give me a level of empathy not seen here (this does not apply to all of you - but unfortunately the vast majority who are replying to my post).

 

Facts:

 

The affair ended a couple of months ago (not bc I got caught).

 

Confessing felt out of the question, right or wrong.

 

But when he asked me, I told him everything. I didn't say I voluntarily confessed. Sorry of I mis-named my thread.

 

H kicked me out but we met this morning and have spent the day hashing through it all.

 

We jointly sent a message to work advising that I no longer work there.

 

This is the most horrible thing I have ever done or put us through.

 

I don't know the outcome, but if my H will have me, I am committed to trying to make it work.

 

Our lives are forever changed because of my stupid terrible choices.

 

I won't be posting here anymore. I need to focus on making my life right.

Considering that this is so new, the OP and her Husband are probably deep in the caca, right now, and need to focus. Perhaps , at a later date , she will be able and willing to return. Right now, she would better spend her time and effort on her husband , than on a website.

[Buckeye2]

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

 

You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

 

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

 

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

 

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

 

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

 

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

 

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

 

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

 

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

 

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

 

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

 

Your first mission is to learn.

 

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through

this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.

Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

 

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

 

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

 

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

 

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

 

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

 

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

 

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

 

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

 

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

 

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

 

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

 

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

 

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”

Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

 

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

 

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

 

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

 

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

 

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

 

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

 

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

 

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

 

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

 

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

 

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

 

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

 

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

 

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

 

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

 

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

 

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

 

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

 

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

 

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

 

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

 

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

 

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

 

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

 

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

 

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

 

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect

moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most

comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

 

A statement of gratitude.

 

An expression of your love.

 

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

 

An admission that you caused their pain.

 

An expression of your sense of shame.

 

A promise that it will never happen again

 

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

 

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

 

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care

for others.

 

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

 

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They

begin exploring new involvements.

 

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

 

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

 

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

 

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!

Edited October 29, 2014 by Buckeye2

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm in no way being critical of you, and you had/have nothing to apologize for from my POV. You helped me. Sorry if that's how you took it.

 

I didn't take it that way. The reason I apologized for that was because I misjudged you during the first few weeks you were here, based on the story about your friends. That was judgment that I should not have done and try not to do and that colored my interactions with you on the forum during that time. It was wrong so I apologized.

[SawtoothMars]

I'm not even sure how, or if, to respond.

Maybe I'm not accustomed to Internet forums, but it's shocking the level of judgment and vitriol I've received from complete strangers. Honestly if I took many of you to heart, I might not make it through the night. I can only hope that this situation will give me a level of empathy not seen here (this does not apply to all of you - but unfortunately the vast majority who are replying to my post).

Facts:

The affair ended a couple of months ago (not bc I got caught).

Confessing felt out of the question, right or wrong.

But when he asked me, I told him everything. I didn't say I voluntarily confessed. Sorry of I mis-named my thread.

H kicked me out but we met this morning and have spent the day hashing through it all.

We jointly sent a message to work advising that I no longer work there.

This is the most horrible thing I have ever done or put us through.

I don't know the outcome, but if my H will have me, I am committed to trying to make it work.

Our lives are forever changed because of my stupid terrible choices.

I won't be posting here anymore. I need to focus on making my life right.

 

Ah Crap! I was really hoping you be able to get out in front of this by confessing without prompting. That usually gives the best results when it comes to fixing things.

 

The good news is that not lying about it may wind up saving your marriage in the long run. My only piece of advice for you at this moment is PLEASE DO NOT TRICKLE TRUTH HIM.

 

I don't mean to make that look like I'm shouting at you. It's just a very very important thing to know. Sometimes your nerves get ragged and you forget stuff... or sometimes you want to spin things and put yourself in the best light. Those are fine in moderation, but do not hide stuff because every time he finds something new that you lied about.... the whole emotional process starts all over again.

 

Best of Luck! I know you will make it out alright.

[beach]

You know, this is a funny place at times.

 

Whether you see it now or not there are many posters here cheering you on.

 

You did bad, that's obvious. But now you are attempting to set things right - that's a great start!

 

And many, many others can learn from you if you stay.

 

I'd like to see you post and update as you move forward.

 

Your M actually has a chance now that honesty is on the table. What you do with that moving forward as a couple determines the marriage.

 

I hope you'll stay. Teach others while you're here what it's like from your perspective. Get your emotions out there if you find that possible.

 

And maybe post on other threads too - to help others in your situation.

 

It's a LEARNING PROCESS when pain is involved. One that determines your character. We can encourage you if you wish.

 

And at times, facing our own truths is just dang hard. But in the end I always grow when I hear what I really don't want to hear. Painful - yes, necessary, yes - easy, nope!

 

Just roll with it. Place those you don't like on ignore - that helps.

 

I hope you're doing ok.

Edited October 30, 2014 by beach

[Spectre]

You know, this is a funny place at times.

 

Whether you see it now or not there are many posters here cheering you on.

 

Which is all the more disturbing, *there is nothing to cheer on*. This woman betrayed her H in the worst way, the only thing to cheer on would be a divorce. Oh sure, it would be super awesome for the OP for no divorce, but then..she's not the important person in this situation, is she?

 

You did bad, that's obvious. But now you are attempting to set things right - that's a great start!

 

She only confessed when confronted with evidence, why is this a great start to you? Honestly asking why you feel that way. For me, it is not a great start when someone only confesses when confronted with evidence. That is the opposite of a great start.

 

Your M actually has a chance now that honesty is on the table. What you do with that moving forward as a couple determines the marriage.

 

Again, you are right this forum is a funny place at times, and downright bizarre and disturbing at others. Her marriage has a chance now that honesty is on the table? What..? Honesty isn't on the table, she was caught. I think people really need to get over her moot confession after being caught.

 

Just roll with it. Place those you don't like on ignore - that helps.

 

What is even the point of coming here and posting if you are just going to ignore people who say things you don't like? Go reread this thread, nothing said to the OP was that bad, especially given her actions. Yet constantly I see stuff about putting people on ignore and this strange back clapping because she stopped lying once confronted with evidence.

 

Let us call a spade a spade then: do not say ignore people you don't like. Let us be real, just say the reality: ignore people who don't tell you what you want to hear.

Edited October 30, 2014 by Spectre

[harrybrown]

Please look at how your H is feeling.

 

Would you stay with him if he had an A?

 

Good luck in putting it all back together.

[Peeches]

Actually, her being fully honest when he saw her search engine was a big deal. Perhaps not an unprompted disclosure but many many BS have faced denial and trickle truth to their face. She still could have told a million lies and denied the whole thing. But she she didn't. She was honest. And I don't think it really is necessary to pick at that or remind her how she f'd up before. It won't help her and it doesn't make the poster look like a very nice or likable person. And definetly not someone who is worth listening to. Her husband wa the one that was hurt by her actions. He will remind her enough without our help that she screwed up.

[drifter777]

OP is gone.

[ColdyLocks]

I'm not even sure how, or if, to respond.

 

Maybe I'm not accustomed to Internet forums, but it's shocking the level of judgment and vitriol I've received from complete strangers. Honestly if I took many of you to heart, I might not make it through the night. I can only hope that this situation will give me a level of empathy not seen here (this does not apply to all of you - but unfortunately the vast majority who are replying to my post).

 

Facts:

 

The affair ended a couple of months ago (not bc I got caught).

 

Confessing felt out of the question, right or wrong.

 

But when he asked me, I told him everything. I didn't say I voluntarily confessed. Sorry of I mis-named my thread.

 

H kicked me out but we met this morning and have spent the day hashing through it all.

 

We jointly sent a message to work advising that I no longer work there.

 

This is the most horrible thing I have ever done or put us through.

 

I don't know the outcome, but if my H will have me, I am committed to trying to make it work.

 

Our lives are forever changed because of my stupid terrible choices.

 

I won't be posting here anymore. I need to focus on making my life right.

OverIt75, I wish I knew if there was a way to IM you somehow. I only joined tonight because of your post. I am you pretty much but one year out. I have only read a few of your posts. Mainly here and your first one. I can relate to you so much. If there is a way to private message please someone let me know as I dont want to share it all on here without knowing if OverIt75 will see it.

 

I have also been married 15 years with an amazing husband and family. I don't know why I did what I did but I carried on an affair most of last year. I confessed. I think because part of me was hoping he'd kick me out but he didn't. I didn't know what to do. I have no idea who this person is that I've become. I did love my AP and I believe it was mutual but deep down knew we had no future and he'd drive me nuts in the real world. Anyway just wnated to try to reach out to you. When I read some of the comments I just cringe. One commenter said guys that go straight to divorce are his hero. Really? because shouldn't a hero be someone that is brave. Running for a divorce isn't brave. It's the easy way to be less humiliated. A real man or woman can see the bigger picture when us WS's can't. They are willing to fight for the marriage or maybe just start by fighting for their family and hope that the marriage can heal. I have a husband that is completely devasted and humiliated but he sees the good in me still. He still wants to have our kids grow up with both parents, grow old together and take trips. I am the one messed up still. I am still confused on why I did what I did. I go to IC still and started while in the affair because I knew I was getting in way too deep for things to end clean.

 

Anyway, not here to tell my story so much but just wanted to reach out as I think our stories are very similar.

[DKT3]

OverIt75, I wish I knew if there was a way to IM you somehow. I only joined tonight because of your post. I am you pretty much but one year out. I have only read a few of your posts. Mainly here and your first one. I can relate to you so much. If there is a way to private message please someone let me know as I dont want to share it all on here without knowing if OverIt75 will see it.

 

I have also been married 15 years with an amazing husband and family. I don't know why I did what I did but I carried on an affair most of last year. I confessed. I think because part of me was hoping he'd kick me out but he didn't. I didn't know what to do. I have no idea who this person is that I've become. I did love my AP and I believe it was mutual but deep down knew we had no future and he'd drive me nuts in the real world. Anyway just wnated to try to reach out to you. When I read some of the comments I just cringe. One commenter said guys that go straight to divorce are his hero. Really? because shouldn't a hero be someone that is brave. Running for a divorce isn't brave. It's the easy way to be less humiliated. A real man or woman can see the bigger picture when us WS's can't. They are willing to fight for the marriage or maybe just start by fighting for their family and hope that the marriage can heal. I have a husband that is completely devasted and humiliated but he sees the good in me still. He still wants to have our kids grow up with both parents, grow old together and take trips. I am the one messed up still. I am still confused on why I did what I did. I go to IC still and started while in the affair because I knew I was getting in way too deep for things to end clean.

 

Anyway, not here to tell my story so much but just wanted to reach out as I think our stories are very similar.

 

Are you saying that I'm less of a man because I divorced my cheating wife? Or not a "REAL" man?

[merrmeade]

And it's not our call about what happens in their marriage. It's all in the Husbands' hands.

Ditto.

 

One thing you are going to have to change is your outlook regarding the discovery of your affair. You need to stop lying to yourself about it. You were found out by your husband and then you opened up about everything.

Don't regret how much you disclosed or think you could have 'saved' some heartbreak by holding something back. Only you have that knowledge, and the BS needs to know everything to heal and forgive at the right time with or without you — for his own sake. It's the least you can do.

[BetrayedH]

OverIt75, I wish I knew if there was a way to IM you somehow. I only joined tonight because of your post. I am you pretty much but one year out. I have only read a few of your posts. Mainly here and your first one. I can relate to you so much. If there is a way to private message please someone let me know as I dont want to share it all on here without knowing if OverIt75 will see it.

 

I have also been married 15 years with an amazing husband and family. I don't know why I did what I did but I carried on an affair most of last year. I confessed. I think because part of me was hoping he'd kick me out but he didn't. I didn't know what to do. I have no idea who this person is that I've become. I did love my AP and I believe it was mutual but deep down knew we had no future and he'd drive me nuts in the real world. Anyway just wnated to try to reach out to you. When I read some of the comments I just cringe. One commenter said guys that go straight to divorce are his hero. Really? because shouldn't a hero be someone that is brave. Running for a divorce isn't brave. It's the easy way to be less humiliated. A real man or woman can see the bigger picture when us WS's can't. They are willing to fight for the marriage or maybe just start by fighting for their family and hope that the marriage can heal. I have a husband that is completely devasted and humiliated but he sees the good in me still. He still wants to have our kids grow up with both parents, grow old together and take trips. I am the one messed up still. I am still confused on why I did what I did. I go to IC still and started while in the affair because I knew I was getting in way too deep for things to end clean.

 

Anyway, not here to tell my story so much but just wanted to reach out as I think our stories are very similar.

 

I think you should start your own thread. There's a lot of "noise" that you will have to muddle through but you may also garner some valuable insights on your personal "why." That ends up being a real sticking point in many reconciliations. If you can understand why you made such a choice, you may better recognize when you are leaning towards the use of that coping mechanism and be able to take steps to mitigate it. As well, your husband can feel more confident that he won't suffer a repeat performance. Conversely, saying "I don't know why I did it" really makes one question what you've learned and your husband will certainly feel vulnerable to the mystery cause working its magic on you again.

[SawtoothMars]

One commenter said guys that go straight to divorce are his hero. Really? because shouldn't a hero be someone that is brave. Running for a divorce isn't brave. It's the easy way to be less humiliated. A real man or woman can see the bigger picture when us WS's can't. They are willing to fight for the marriage or maybe just start by fighting for their family and hope that the marriage can heal.

 

You need your own thread and then you can PM her once you have posted enough. Or I think you can bypass all that and buy a membership.

 

In regards to how men handle affairs... I don't think you get it. There is no one single path that "real men" take. Divorce IS a brave step. Divorce is much more difficult than the status quo. Getting rid of a trashy cheater wife doesn't remove the pain, disrespect, humiliation... ect. Those emotions stay sometimes forever. Also the vast majority of men who stay do it because they are scared.

 

When you cheat you create a debt that must be repaid. Some people are willing to try some are not. It's really that simple. I could look at my xWife and know that she wasn't willing or able to pay that debt. So, just remember that your Husband is probably staying because of how you are handling the affair.

[badkarma2013]

OverIt75, I wish I knew if there was a way to IM you somehow. I only joined tonight because of your post. I am you pretty much but one year out. I have only read a few of your posts. Mainly here and your first one. I can relate to you so much. If there is a way to private message please someone let me know as I dont want to share it all on here without knowing if OverIt75 will see it.

 

I have also been married 15 years with an amazing husband and family. I don't know why I did what I did but I carried on an affair most of last year. I confessed. I think because part of me was hoping he'd kick me out but he didn't. I didn't know what to do. I have no idea who this person is that I've become. I did love my AP and I believe it was mutual but deep down knew we had no future and he'd drive me nuts in the real world. Anyway just wnated to try to reach out to you. When I read some of the comments I just cringe. One commenter said guys that go straight to divorce are his hero. Really? because shouldn't a hero be someone that is brave. Running for a divorce isn't brave. It's the easy way to be less humiliated. A real man or woman can see the bigger picture when us WS's can't. They are willing to fight for the marriage or maybe just start by fighting for their family and hope that the marriage can heal. I have a husband that is completely devasted and humiliated but he sees the good in me still. He still wants to have our kids grow up with both parents, grow old together and take trips. I am the one messed up still. I am still confused on why I did what I did. I go to IC still and started while in the affair because I knew I was getting in way too deep for things to end clean.

 

Anyway, not here to tell my story so much but just wanted to reach out as I think our stories are very similar.

 

 

 

 

some damage cannot be repaired and some lies and acts of betrayal can never be forgotten..... This is not about YOU you had your chance and passed hundreds Of RED FLAGS before the sex took place in your affair...

YOU CHOSE TO DO IT ANYWAY...Did you tell your BH that you were attratched to someone else ..or we have a problem we need to fix this now....NO YOU CHOSE TO HAVE SEX WITH THE OM...THAT IS THE DEFIN ITION A COWARD...Your husband NOW has Plan B for a marriage

 

BY GOD i am no ones Plan B...EVER....

 

My wife did what you did and i NAPALMED everyone ...

 

Again you can make me all the SH%T sandwiches you wish...I will make the choice whether i eat them...I dine at another resturant these days..

[revelations]

OverIt75, I will almost always advise a betrayed spouse to divorce. Usually the only time I will advise against a divorce is if it is a BH and has young kids. The reason is that the BH will often times get only very limited time with the children and often times they are used as pawns against him. So over all divorce is usually the best bet. It is more than just walking away from a cheating wife or husband. It is about having enough respect for yourself to put your needs first over that spouse that has cheated on you. I mean after all you BH may have been betrayed by you, however he can at least hold his head high by knowing he put a stop to it once he found out.

 

If you wanting to work this out I would suggest giving him the divorce. Don't ask for alimony and if money is an issue for you, I would instead ask him to agree to giving you a small amount of money (only what is needed). By asking him and not demanding shows humility and that you don't feel entitled. However grant him the divorce, however it does not hurt to ask him if he will allow you to win his love back. Let him know that you feel real bad about what you have done to him. Make it clear that you expect him to date other women, also make it clear to him that you want to prove that your the right choice. Before you cheated you were someone your husband wanted, after the cheating you are now a choice and always will be. By setting him free then doing what you can to win him back shows that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions.

 

When it comes to trying to convince him that your worth a second chance you must do the heavy lifting. When you ask your ex-husband to dinner, pay for it. Send him a card and flowers, just be forward that you are thinking of him, that you want him and that you are ashamed of your actions. Ask him if he will go to counseling both couples and independent and tell him you will pay for everything. Remember you created this mess, so why should he have to pay for your mess. Since you no longer work where you were at, you will have to get another job to be able to pay for all of this. Remember that before you and your husband got married he did a lot of things to show you that he wanted you. You have thrown this back in his face and spat on him with your actions. So you will have to go far beyond what you have ever done before to win his heart back.

 

Don't be surprised if you can't get him to go out with you the first few times you try. You have hurt your husband in a very deep and personal way. You may have to wait until the divorce is final and he is sure your not going to take him to the cleaners before he will even think of dating you. It may take 6 months to a year even before he will accept a date. Once you go on a few dates then you can begin to tell if he will ever give you a second chance or not. Also remember that you will never be fully trusted by him again, so always assume he does not believe you. Being open and honest is the only way to be with your ex-husband anymore. Remember that you have hurt him in the worst possible way. So keep that in mind when talking with him, always expressing how sorry you are. If he is going on dates with you express to him that you are thankful his is giving you that second chance, even if it is only for a brief time. I really don't think your chances are very high of winning his heart back. However if you handle the divorce right and at least try and show you want him and want to make it up to him, then you can minimize the damage you have caused him.

 

ColdyLocks, going straight to a divorce is done to protect yourself from more abuse from, well people like you. In order to have a marriage worth fighting for their must be mutual respect and love for each other. Cheating shows that their is no respect and love that the cheater has for the betrayed spouse. A real man does look at the whole picture and when his wife has been cheating on him that picture is not pretty. He has been humiliated, emasculated, insulted, lied to, and abused. Do any of these things sound like something you want to have done to you again? If I stayed with my ex I know their is a high risk that this will happen again. I know that I will always have to keep an eye on her, acting like a prison guard at times, reading all her email's, checking phone records and on and on. Do you really think I would want to spend my time doing this for free in the name of keeping the marriage together? Of course not, I can walk away from her, find any woman on the street and put more trust in that woman because she has not yet proven to me that she is untrustworthy. My ex has proven that she is untrustworthy. So your thoughts of a "real man" is one that chooses to stay with a cheating wife is bull. A real man does not put up with such treatment and walks away. I would not stand around and allow another guy to punch me. So why would I stand around and allow my ex-wife to keep hurting me? Often times divorce is the best way to rebuild your self-esteem after such a devastating blow to it.

[Hope Shimmers]

She doesn't want a divorce... she wants to atone. You have to choose to either give advice or just be mean. It really seems like you just want to be mean.

 

AMEN!!!

 

OP is gone.

 

Can't blame her.

 

Hopefully other people can learn something from the posts on this thread that are helpful though.

[Spectre]

She doesn't want a divorce... she wants to atone.

 

This is not about what she wants, she ain't the victim.

 

You have to choose to either give advice or just be mean. It really seems like you just want to be mean.

 

Utter nonsense, I did give advice, it's just not advice you and the OP liked. My advice was to leave the poor guy the hell alone, to divorce. Please don't come in here and act like people just want to bully her.

 

However, she clearly has a good heart and regrets making these choices.

 

It seems like she regrets getting caught more then anything, but to each their own.

 

Don't hope for her to fail. It's just cruel and it won't make you feel any better than kicking puppies.

 

This is just silly. You say it is hoping for her to fail? No, I'm hoping the H does the right thing and moves on. I don't want her to fail, there is nothing to fail here because she has *already* failed. She failed her husband and her marriage. My hope is that she learns from it and moves on and lets her poor H do the same.

 

Seriously, kicking puppies? This is the exact kind of thing wrong with this site.

 

Also, what has this site come to when you have someone actually having the gall to say getting a divorce is cowardly? Holy crap. That means staying is the "brave" thing. It is easy to stay and ignore things and just pretend everything is okay. The real strength? Is recognizing you need to move on and doing it. It is utterly insane to see how some people think. Don't ever call someone a coward for wanting a divorce immediately once they suffer a huge betrayal. You just look 10 different kinds of foolish.

Edited November 2, 2014 by Spectre

[Spectre]

Actually, her being fully honest when he saw her search engine was a big deal. Perhaps not an unprompted disclosure but many many BS have faced denial and trickle truth to their face. She still could have told a million lies and denied the whole thing. But she she didn't. She was honest. And I don't think it really is necessary to pick at that or remind her how she f'd up before. It won't help her and it doesn't make the poster look like a very nice or likable person. And definetly not someone who is worth listening to. Her husband wa the one that was hurt by her actions. He will remind her enough without our help that she screwed up.

 

At the same time it is also 100% not necessary to pat her on the back for telling the truth when faced with *overwhelming evidence*. It is what it is, but it is nothing to be giving a gold star over. So yeah, this goes both ways. If she doesn't need reminding how she f'ed up, she doesn't need to be patted on the back for acting the way a spouse SHOULD act. Because that is the most f'ed up thing about this, the constant back patting. Do not make a small thing into something gigantic. She got caught and she decided to not lie even more. That is all that needs to be said. She did what she *vowed* to do when she married the guy.

 

So it's not a big deal, it's only a big deal in the context of comparison to other liars and trickle truthers, which is NOT a compliment actually, to say "hey at least she is better then most women who have affairs!" You don't need to find a silver lining here because there *isn't one*.

Edited November 2, 2014 by Spectre

[OverIt75]

Hi all.

 

I've always gotten a very mixed bag of responses on LS...some helpful (thank you) and others blatantly NOT. I know what I've done is terribly wrong and hurtful and don't necessarily need berating. I am truly, honestly looking for opinions of those who have 'been there.'

 

If you've read any of my previous threads, you know that I am married, two kids, and got involved in an affair with my (also married) boss about a year ago. Not proud of it. Did not go looking for it. Have been married 15 years and never cheated before.

 

A few weeks into it I was 'caught up' and thought I was in love. You know the drill.

 

We ended things late summer/early fall (mutually agreed it was the 'right thing' to do) but I didn't quit my job. Obviously that made things extraordinarily difficult. But I was in denial, hoping I could continue to work there, and frankly, I wanted to maintain the friendship. I've known this person for over a decade.

 

About a month ago, my H found some webpages open on my iPad (including this site!) that made him suspicious. I had wrestled with telling him for months but just was so scared. Yet when he asked me some pointed questions about the websites, I just confessed to everything. All of it.

 

He quit my job for me. We are both working towards reconciliation.

 

What I am hoping for are opinions from OW/OM (even BSs, if you can help), regarding confused thoughts and feelings for the xAP after D-Day. I still miss him, grieve the loss of the relationship, as well as the loss of my job and the dynamic we had there. I want to give reconciliation a fair chance if my BH does...we've been together for nearly 20 years, have so much history, a family, etc. I want to find my way back to loving him the way he should be. And I want him to love me that way in return.

 

However, there are times when I fear that either he won't be able to get past this A or maybe I won't be able to get past it. I worry that my feelings for xAP are 'real' and that somehow means I shouldn't be with my H anymore. My HOPE is that these feelings are 'The Fog' and that as I get time and distance behind me, I will get clearer. That I will see the A for what it really was. I want to be indifferent to my xAP and in love with my H.

 

Can someone tell me if this is normal? And give me hope that I can be happy with my H again? Any strategies that will help? We are in counseling (MC and IC). I want to make this work. Or...I want to want to.

 

(Comments stating, 'Why don't you just let your H go and be with OM?' are not helpful).

 

Thank you.

[GirlStillStrong]

I worry that my feelings for xAP are 'real' and that somehow means I shouldn't be with my H anymore.

Of course your feelings for xAP are real. And the fact that they are real does not mean anything regarding whether or not you should stay married. You need to evaluate your marriage on its OWN merits. The affair is separate. And it is not the person (the husband or the AP) you should be examining and evaluating, it is YOU. Relationships change. Feelings change. Other people change. And yes, YOU change. But you have to live with yourself.

 

Trust once broken is difficult to rebuild. But everyone is different. There is no way to predict what people will feel or do. But if you had an affair in the first place it is apparent you were not happy in your marriage. Are you so content with having someone else make your decisions for you that you believe you are not going to stray again?

 

Life does not exist with marriage. Marriage exists within life.

[whatatangledweb]

Hi all.

 

 

However, there are times when I fear that either he won't be able to get past this A or maybe I won't be able to get past it. I worry that my feelings for xAP are 'real' and that somehow means I shouldn't be with my H anymore. My HOPE is that these feelings are 'The Fog' and that as I get time and distance behind me, I will get clearer. That I will see the A for what it really was. I want to be indifferent to my xAP and in love with my H.

 

Can someone tell me if this is normal? And give me hope that I can be happy with my H again? Any strategies that will help? We are in counseling (MC and IC). I want to make this work. Or...I want to want to.

 

 

 

Thank you.

 

Yes, it is normal.With working togther you and your husband can make it work. You can be happy again. Right now your emotions and feelings will be all over the place as will your husband's. It isn't just time that helps but what you do with it. Look for the good in your husband and the reasons why you have been with him 20 years. You can get the feelings back for him. They may not be gone just buried

[jbrent890]

Hi all.

 

I've always gotten a very mixed bag of responses on LS...some helpful (thank you) and others blatantly NOT. I know what I've done is terribly wrong and hurtful and don't necessarily need berating. I am truly, honestly looking for opinions of those who have 'been there.'

 

If you've read any of my previous threads, you know that I am married, two kids, and got involved in an affair with my (also married) boss about a year ago. Not proud of it. Did not go looking for it. Have been married 15 years and never cheated before.

 

A few weeks into it I was 'caught up' and thought I was in love. You know the drill.

 

We ended things late summer/early fall (mutually agreed it was the 'right thing' to do) but I didn't quit my job. Obviously that made things extraordinarily difficult. But I was in denial, hoping I could continue to work there, and frankly, I wanted to maintain the friendship. I've known this person for over a decade.

 

About a month ago, my H found some webpages open on my iPad (including this site!) that made him suspicious. I had wrestled with telling him for months but just was so scared. Yet when he asked me some pointed questions about the websites, I just confessed to everything. All of it.

 

He quit my job for me. We are both working towards reconciliation.

 

What I am hoping for are opinions from OW/OM (even BSs, if you can help), regarding confused thoughts and feelings for the xAP after D-Day. I still miss him, grieve the loss of the relationship, as well as the loss of my job and the dynamic we had there. I want to give reconciliation a fair chance if my BH does...we've been together for nearly 20 years, have so much history, a family, etc. I want to find my way back to loving him the way he should be. And I want him to love me that way in return.

 

However, there are times when I fear that either he won't be able to get past this A or maybe I won't be able to get past it. I worry that my feelings for xAP are 'real' and that somehow means I shouldn't be with my H anymore. My HOPE is that these feelings are 'The Fog' and that as I get time and distance behind me, I will get clearer. That I will see the A for what it really was. I want to be indifferent to my xAP and in love with my H.

 

Can someone tell me if this is normal? And give me hope that I can be happy with my H again? Any strategies that will help? We are in counseling (MC and IC). I want to make this work. Or...I want to want to.

 

(Comments stating, 'Why don't you just let your H go and be with OM?' are not helpful).

 

Thank you.

 

I think only time will tell if your feelings for your AP were real. Personally, I think they weren't. I'm assuming he was just fulfilling needs your husband wasn't. Once you put effort back into your marriage, I'm sure your feelings for your partner will die. Now I'm a BS even though I almost cheated multiple times during our separation period after finding out that my wife cheated. Me and my wife decided to reconcile. I'm giving it one year to see if it's possible. Even though I have my good days and bad days, my wife has been busting her butt to show how sorry she is and that she wants to make this work. That is my advice to you. I can't tell you what your future will hold in terms of what your husband will do. I'm not going to lie, the odds are stacked against you. The vast majority of marriages fail once an affair is discovered. However, I think those marriages fail because the WS does not express true remorse. This is going to take years for you and your husband to get over. Not a day goes by where I don't ask my wife why she did it and why she felt the need to keep it from me? She doesn't get argumentative and more importantly, she doesn't blame me. Her cheating was on her and her alone and she owns that. If you want to make this work, you have to accept the fact that your husband might leave you through this process. My wife knows that each day could possibly be the day I say I'm done. However, that hasn't stopped her from doing everything in her power to keep me from going. I'm only a couple of weeks after D Day and I have no idea what the future holds. I do know that if my wife hasn't tried as hard as she is been doing, I would have left by now. My question is to you "are you ready to do some heavy lifting?" Not to put you down but I hear a lot of reticence in your post. Yes, you both are going to have to put the work in, but because you cheated you are going to have to work harder to bringing your marriage back to a somewhat normal place. I will definitely pray for you though.