Confessed - **Updated**

[OverIt75]

Wow.

 

You actually put scare quotes around "suffering."

 

Meaning when you said "suffering," you didn't mean you actually ARE suffering. It's just another simulated emotion on your part that you think you need to pretend to show to your husband so that he won't divorce you.

 

I gotta say, you are just not right in the head or something.

 

I put quotes around suffering because I know my suffering pales in comparison to what my H is going through. I was being respectful.

 

Good luck in life, Mr. Me.

[OverIt75]

Did you quit, or did he do it for you?

 

In literal terms, he quit for me before I had an opportunity to do anything. On the night of D Day, my H let my boss know I would no longer be working there.

 

However, I am an adult and certainly could have just gone back to work. I did not.

[BetrayedH]

For what it's worth, I applaud you for letting go of your career. My exW couldn't do it; her failure to do so was a major obstacle to our reconciliation.

 

The fact that you've avoided the normal pitfalls of TT also speaks volumes to true remorse.

 

Just wanted you to know that as much as some may be critical of your efforts, some of us are supportive. Keep it up.

[Davey L]

I agree with BetrayedH here. You will get a lot of stick here and of course a lot of it is justified. There was a time when I'd have handed out abusive judgements myself, but now, with the benefit of age and having been on both sides of this as a BH and later WH, I recognise that we are all perfect and do bad things without thinking through the consequences and impact on others.

 

Keep working at it. To my mind you seem to be doing your best to understand your husband's pain and to repair the damage. Good luck!

[OverIt75]

For what it's worth, I applaud you for letting go of your career. My exW couldn't do it; her failure to do so was a major obstacle to our reconciliation.

 

The fact that you've avoided the normal pitfalls of TT also speaks volumes to true remorse.

 

Just wanted you to know that as much as some may be critical of your efforts, some of us are supportive. Keep it up.

 

Thank you...I've read bits and pieces of your story, so it means a lot coming from you.

[BeholdtheMan]

In literal terms, he quit for me before I had an opportunity to do anything. On the night of D Day, my H let my boss know I would no longer be working there.

 

However, I am an adult and certainly could have just gone back to work. I did not.

 

What a huge sacrifice on your part

[BetrayedH]

Thank you...I've read bits and pieces of your story, so it means a lot coming from you.

 

Keep your chin up. I do think leaving your job was a huge sacrifice. I couldn't care less about the semantics or that it was your H's initiative. It was an action that demonstrated remorse and a renewed commitment to the marriage. It wasn't self-serving and it wasn't just words.

 

Unfortunately, that's all you can do. You can't go back in time. You can only do your best to earn forgiveness. If your H is still with you, it's because he loves you and wants to forgive you. He may not be able to but the fact is that much of the success rides on you to demonstrate "consistent actions over time." Giving up your career counts as one of those actions. Keep up the consistency over time and you'll prove to your H that he made the right choice. And the path will be clear for your own self-pride to return, too. So don't be discouraged. Dig in and find that happy ending. That's my $.02 anyway.

[road]

You did not quit your career you quit your job. You get a new job.

[BetrayedH]

You did not quit your career you quit your job. You get a new job.

 

That depends. She may need a new career.

[BetrayedH]

What I am hoping for are opinions from OW/OM (even BSs, if you can help), regarding confused thoughts and feelings for the xAP after D-Day. I still miss him, grieve the loss of the relationship, as well as the loss of my job and the dynamic we had there. I want to give reconciliation a fair chance if my BH does...we've been together for nearly 20 years, have so much history, a family, etc. I want to find my way back to loving him the way he should be. And I want him to love me that way in return.

 

However, there are times when I fear that either he won't be able to get past this A or maybe I won't be able to get past it. I worry that my feelings for xAP are 'real' and that somehow means I shouldn't be with my H anymore. My HOPE is that these feelings are 'The Fog' and that as I get time and distance behind me, I will get clearer. That I will see the A for what it really was. I want to be indifferent to my xAP and in love with my H.

 

Can someone tell me if this is normal? And give me hope that I can be happy with my H again? Any strategies that will help? We are in counseling (MC and IC). I want to make this work.

 

It's sadly very normal for a wayward to continue to struggle with feelings for the AP after Dday. We're all capable of making connections with the opposite sex. Optimally when we're committed, we keep boundaries in place that stop us from doing so and we protect the primary relationship. That's a choice to resist the temptations that we all face. We all like the rush of a new relationship. We all like that fantastic feeling of a new connection. After my wife's affair, I felt that I deserved that rush, too, so I can relate to being vulnerable to an affair.

 

Sadly, that new connection would eventually fade into being an old connection. The limerance would be gone. The AP's stories would eventually no longer mesmerize us. That's the folly of an affair. We fall in love with the fantasy. We start to believe that we could keep that connection fresh and exciting. In reality, the AP has flaws, too. But much like dating, they don't show them to us and we also dismiss them and focus on the excitement. We also completely dismiss judging them for the most obvious flaw because we can hardly judge them when we're doing the same thing. So we give them a pass in their infidelity and the part they're playing in helping to betray our own spouse.

 

In fact, we almost have to view the AP's motivations as good, that they are so caught up "in love" for us that they can't help themselves. Because the alternative would be believing that we had sacrificed our integrity and family for nothing. Particularly with women, they cling to the emotional connection (which really is less important to men) and the thought that the MM loved them because otherwise not only did they hurt their spouse and sacrifice everything but did it only to be stupidly used for sex. The wayward women that I've seen just cannot admit that. It's just too much to bear. And so they obsessively focus on the MM and what he really felt, trying to somehow validate their choice to have the affair.

 

In my mind, this is just further engagement with the fantasy. It's a mental continuation of the affair. And sadly for your H, he has no hope of competing with the fantasy. He's already shown you more than just his best side. His glory days stories are no longer so captivating. You've seen that he's a flawed human being, not some imaginary white knight.

 

In the real world, your H is still with you. That says something. And your fantasy AP is still with his wife. That also says something. They've made choices that are evident through their actions. Now you have a choice - you can choose to continue to engage in the fantasy or you can accept the very real husband that has dedicated his life to you.

 

I know you have made that choice but I think it's going to have to be one that you make every day. You've made a habit of blasting right thru those boundaries that should protect your marriage. You will need to choose to stop engaging in this mental fantasy world. Since when is it ok to keep thinking and fantasizing about another man when you're married? And you'll need to choose to dedicate your life to your marriage. You'll need to choose to rebuild the boundaries that you previously shed. I'd encourage you to start enforcing a form of "mental NC" with your AP. Once you find yourself indulging in this fantasy world again, you should choose to redirect your thoughts. Make it a hard boundary for you. Envision a stop sign and refuse to go there. Instead, insist that you spend the next few minutes taking actions that recommit yourself to your marriage. Plan some time with your husband. Think of a gift, a vacation, a special dinner, or send HIM a flirty text.

 

As a previous poster suggested, the grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it.

[Poptart]

Since when is it ok to keep thinking and fantasizing about another man when you're married?

 

It's probably O.K. from her point of view since it was O.K. to actually have sex with another man.

 

Why was it OK for her to have sex with another man?

 

That's the key question that there doesn't seem to be an answer to here.

[OverIt75]

You did not quit your career you quit your job. You get a new job.

 

No - I am choosing to leave my career entirely.

 

The circle I work in is very small. If I got a new job in the same profession, I would end up interacting, even if in a very small way, with OM. So it's over. I won't work in my industry again, unless we move or something. It's all a trigger now anyway. It is all associated with what I did.

[OverIt75]

It's sadly very normal for a wayward to continue to struggle with feelings for the AP after Dday. We're all capable of making connections with the opposite sex. Optimally when we're committed, we keep boundaries in place that stop us from doing so and we protect the primary relationship. That's a choice to resist the temptations that we all face. We all like the rush of a new relationship. We all like that fantastic feeling of a new connection. After my wife's affair, I felt that I deserved that rush, too, so I can relate to being vulnerable to an affair. What's also crazy is how it sneaks up on you. I've been married for 15+ years and never dropped my boundaries before, even though there were certainly opportunities. This was honestly a situation I should have never been in: working closely, one on one, for many hours a day, with this man. H and I have both talked about how stupid that decision was, though we obviously didn't see it at the time.

 

Sadly, that new connection would eventually fade into being an old connection. The limerance would be gone. The AP's stories would eventually no longer mesmerize us. That's the folly of an affair. We fall in love with the fantasy. We start to believe that we could keep that connection fresh and exciting. In reality, the AP has flaws, too. But much like dating, they don't show them to us and we also dismiss them and focus on the excitement. We also completely dismiss judging them for the most obvious flaw because we can hardly judge them when we're doing the same thing. So we give them a pass in their infidelity and the part they're playing in helping to betray our own spouse. Isn't that the truth! It is very difficult to 'judge' someone harshly for doing the exact thing we ourselves are engaged in AND justifying.

 

In fact, we almost have to view the AP's motivations as good, that they are so caught up "in love" for us that they can't help themselves. Because the alternative would be believing that we had sacrificed our integrity and family for nothing. Particularly with women, they cling to the emotional connection (which really is less important to men) and the thought that the MM loved them because otherwise not only did they hurt their spouse and sacrifice everything but did it only to be stupidly used for sex. The wayward women that I've seen just cannot admit that. It's just too much to bear. And so they obsessively focus on the MM and what he really felt, trying to somehow validate their choice to have the affair. I have written this exact thing in my journal - I've compromised my own standards, my own values, have basically put my entire marriage and family on the line..to be used. Unbelievable.

 

In my mind, this is just further engagement with the fantasy. It's a mental continuation of the affair. And sadly for your H, he has no hope of competing with the fantasy. He's already shown you more than just his best side. His glory days stories are no longer so captivating. You've seen that he's a flawed human being, not some imaginary white knight.

 

In the real world, your H is still with you. That says something. And your fantasy AP is still with his wife. That also says something. They've made choices that are evident through their actions. Now you have a choice - you can choose to continue to engage in the fantasy or you can accept the very real husband that has dedicated his life to you.

 

I know you have made that choice but I think it's going to have to be one that you make every day. You've made a habit of blasting right thru those boundaries that should protect your marriage. You will need to choose to stop engaging in this mental fantasy world. Since when is it ok to keep thinking and fantasizing about another man when you're married? And you'll need to choose to dedicate your life to your marriage. You'll need to choose to rebuild the boundaries that you previously shed. I'd encourage you to start enforcing a form of "mental NC" with your AP. Once you find yourself indulging in this fantasy world again, you should choose to redirect your thoughts. Make it a hard boundary for you. Envision a stop sign and refuse to go there. Instead, insist that you spend the next few minutes taking actions that recommit yourself to your marriage. Plan some time with your husband. Think of a gift, a vacation, a special dinner, or send HIM a flirty text. I love this. You are exactly right.

 

As a previous poster suggested, the grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it.

 

Not sure why...but I have to add 'ten characters'.

[OverIt75]

It's probably O.K. from her point of view since it was O.K. to actually have sex with another man.

 

Why was it OK for her to have sex with another man?

 

That's the key question that there doesn't seem to be an answer to here.

 

The answer is - it was not okay. Unfortunately people do things that are 'not okay' all the time. Just trying to make the right choices from now on.

[Poptart]

I have written this exact thing in my journal - I've compromised my own standards, my own values, have basically put my entire marriage and family on the line..to be used. Unbelievable.

 

What values and standards of your own, do you think the affair compromised?

 

"In the moment" during the affair, when you were in the process of actually compromising your values, what did you tell yourself to make it OK to actually go through with it?

[Poptart]

The answer is - it was not okay. Unfortunately people do things that are 'not okay' all the time. Just trying to make the right choices from now on.

 

Clearly it was not okay. I don't think anyone can disagree with that.

 

But you knew it was "not okay" in the moment when you were having the affair.

 

Saying that people make the wrong choices all the time still doesn't answer the question of what did you tell yourself, in the moment, to make it OK for you to make the wrong choice?

[Poptart]

Let's put it slightly different--you also know that it's wrong to steal money/embezzle from your employer. I am assuming you never did that. If you had the chance to embezzle from your employer, even knowing you would never be caught, do you think you would or could have done that?

 

If not, why not? What's the difference between actually stealing money from the employer vs. "stealing" from your marriage by having an affair?

 

If you could say it is wrong to steal money from your employer, and just knowing that it is wrong is enough to stop you from doing it, why isn't knowing it is wrong to cheat on your husband enough to stop you from doing that, as well?

[jbrent890]

Let's put it slightly different--you also know that it's wrong to steal money/embezzle from your employer. I am assuming you never did that. If you had the chance to embezzle from your employer, even knowing you would never be caught, do you think you would or could have done that?

 

If not, why not? What's the difference between actually stealing money from the employer vs. "stealing" from your marriage by having an affair?

 

If you could say it is wrong to steal money from your employer, and just knowing that it is wrong is enough to stop you from doing it, why isn't knowing it is wrong to cheat on your husband enough to stop you from doing that, as well?

 

I think deep down whether they want to admit it or not, cheaters get a kick out of hurting the ones the love the most. Cheating on your partner is the ultimate taboo, which is why so many indulge.

[OverIt75]

Let's put it slightly different--you also know that it's wrong to steal money/embezzle from your employer. I am assuming you never did that. If you had the chance to embezzle from your employer, even knowing you would never be caught, do you think you would or could have done that?

 

If not, why not? What's the difference between actually stealing money from the employer vs. "stealing" from your marriage by having an affair?

 

If you could say it is wrong to steal money from your employer, and just knowing that it is wrong is enough to stop you from doing it, why isn't knowing it is wrong to cheat on your husband enough to stop you from doing that, as well?

 

Hopefully I answered these questions in the other thread...

[OverIt75]

I think deep down whether they want to admit it or not, cheaters get a kick out of hurting the ones the love the most. Cheating on your partner is the ultimate taboo, which is why so many indulge.

 

Wow, I can definitely say this is NOT true for me. Absolutely not. I kept a journal throughout and remember writing that my affair felt totally and entirely separate from my 'real life.' As if it ran parallel to it, but did not interact with it.

 

Obviously, this is a HUGE level of denial. Just writing my thoughts at the time.

[beach]

Have you considered that you're angry with your H for controlling you and this was your way of doing things your way?

 

Even though you knew it would hurt your H it was some way of taking control back...?

[BetrayedH]

I think deep down whether they want to admit it or not, cheaters get a kick out of hurting the ones the love the most. Cheating on your partner is the ultimate taboo, which is why so many indulge.

 

I think it's true for some (including my exwife) but not all. I don't believe that every affair carries mal-intent. Some people are just too vulnerable to external validation or too poor of communicators in their marriage (conflict-avoidant) and the allure of someone else's affections plays right into it all. If a wayward can identify those weaknesses and take steps to be introspective and shore up their boundaries, I can see it as a forgivable offense. In many cases, it's not about the BS at all.

 

Others do most certainly enjoy the thrill of betraying a partner and getting away with it. That was a great mystery to me regarding my exwife (and still is TBH). Like any husband, I wasn't perfect. But I didn't have THAT coming to me. My wife reveled in the fact that I'd never know how the OM had taken her in my home and even wrote a Penthouse-forum style internet story about it. It was an evil side to her that was undeserved on my part. But I recognize that it's anecdotal and only a part of some affairs, not all.

[Poptart]

I think deep down whether they want to admit it or not, cheaters get a kick out of hurting the ones the love the most. Cheating on your partner is the ultimate taboo, which is why so many indulge.

 

So this is like the cheating itself gives the cheater an extra sexual or emotional thrill--naughtiness for its own sake.

 

Getting a kick out of hurting your loved ones implies a sadistic motivation.

[Poptart]

Wow, I can definitely say this is NOT true for me. Absolutely not. I kept a journal throughout and remember writing that my affair felt totally and entirely separate from my 'real life.' As if it ran parallel to it, but did not interact with it.

 

Obviously, this is a HUGE level of denial. Just writing my thoughts at the time.

 

You actually have contemporaneous journal entries of what you were thinking when all this was going on. That's a valuable resource to gain insight.

 

You should post the journal entry that you wrote when you made the decision to actually have sex with the OM the very first time. That would give everyone a lot of insight into what most people actually want to know--what the cheater is actually thinking and feeling "in the moment."

[DbleBetrayal]

That would give everyone a lot of insight into what most people actually want to know--what the cheater is actually thinking and feeling "in the moment."

 

I don't think I need a journal entry to know what a cheater is thinking and feeling in "the moment". They are thinking about themselves, and they are feeling thrilled. That's what got them in that moment.