Confessed - **Updated**

[autumnnight]

Sleeping with someone while married is more than creepy it is morally wrong. It seems like the OP has made some progress in her thinking since her first post but maybe I am just too generous in my estimation.

[OverIt75]

Gahhh! If you are trying to help, I do appreciate it, but managing all of you guys in addition to my REAL LIFE has gotten kind of exhausting!! I will respond and then leave this thread for those that want to continue the debate.

 

 

This is what you wrote regarding your affair with your boss before you were busted by your husband. "Hoping I won't get busted....I guess there's no point in me posting unless I'm honest. Yes, there is a part of me that wants to be able to dive back in if I choose. So yes there is a control issue. But it would be wrong of me to say that I'm not concerned about my H's feelings. I absolutely am. I will admit that I have selfish motives. Maybe all of my motives, even those that are concerned for my H, are still at their core selfish. What do I do? How do I do this? I am sorry to say that I have fallen in love. I just keep wishing away."

 

Than you wrote, "I want both. I don't really want to trade my husband for my A/P. They both fill different spaces for me." What was so troubling about your situation was that you and your A/P were busted by his wife yet you continued your affair even after we warned you to expose it to your husband because it would go a lot worse for you if he became aware of it before you confessed. Please read my response's to you starting June 30th, 2014, posts number 80, 98 and 186.

 

 

 

I remember my post and I remember my affair. My head was in a very different place at that time. Yes, I continued my affair in spite of plenty of good advice. I also did it in spite of having my OWN pretty smart brain inside my head.

 

 

 

Sadly, yes, I continued my affair because I wanted to. Doesn't that go with the territory?? Do people go to all that trouble, inflict pain on themselves and others, if they DON'T want the affair on some level? This can occur all while you also want OUT of the affair. It's also true that I didn't want to hurt my husband. But my behavior was inconsistent, which I would also venture to say is 'normal' for this kind of thing. Regarding a timeline, my H already knows everything - the length of time, all the milestones, the emotions involved, and the physical encounters.

 

Do you absolutely mean what you have been writing to us, if you can't get us to believe you how will you get your husband to?

 

Lastly - you're giving me a hard time for how I felt back in June. I think this is likely a pretty typical example of the crazy thought process those in As go through, and hopefully the evolution from insanity back to sanity.

Edited December 1, 2014 by OverIt75
Couldn't tell my reply from Alive's post

[dichotomy]

I think in the long run it is best that he has seen the emails.

 

I am of the mind that durable recovery begins with knowing what really happened in your life.

 

I nearly wrote "knowing what really was," but I think how "real" what you wrote in those emails is will be forever a partly open question. There is probably a lot of self-delusion and other-delusion in those emails. In that sense I hope they will come to seem totally untrue to how you feel after time. But I am sure they were true, or you wanted them to be true, at the time you wrote them.

 

But they exist. They happened. They are something which exists in the world that was of the most urgent relevance to your husband's entire reality, and they were concealed from him.

 

If you had deleted them all before he saw them and could read them, he would torture himself with the idea that he could never know that history. It would not really be any better. I think, actually, it would be far worse.

 

I think in the end seeing them will speed his journey to acceptance that what has happened, happened, that it is real and must be endured. I think it will speed his road to healing for himself whether your marriage survives or not.

 

Wise post.

 

I think this is a view that some BS need to consider. Having read emails to both my wife's OM, and unfortunately even ex lovers she had before me (her email account was chock full of misery for me) is what I read the truth of her, what she really felt or wanted or did?

 

Are emails, full of hormones/brain chemicals, to AP or lovers "the truth" of what was really in their head or heart? Or snap shots in time? or an act or role for the WS with their AP?

 

But I do think they needed to be exposed and read as part of the process for any BS, but they do need to be taken with a grain of salt.

Edited December 1, 2014 by dichotomy

[AlwaysGrowing]

Wise post.

 

I think this is a view that some BS need to consider. Having read emails to both my wife's OM, and unfortunately even ex lovers she had before me (her email account was chock full of misery for me) is what I read the truth of her, what she really felt or wanted or did?

 

Are emails, full of hormones/brain chemicals, to AP or lovers "the truth" of what was really in their head or heart? Or snap shots in time? or an act or role for the WS with their AP?

 

But I do think they needed to be exposed and read as part of the process for any BS, but they do need to be taken with a grain of salt.

 

 

Grain of salt or a bottle of scotch?

[SawtoothMars]

Maybe DKT did confuse me with someone else...hoping!

Totally get the hollow reference...empty, numb. Therapist said it was a way of protecting myself from the inevitable fallout. I can feel things coming back now, thus the pain is coming too.

 

Just like the numb, the pain fades too in time.

 

Owl once told me that people affair down. The person you have an affair with is almost never as high in quality as your spouse.

 

It's just too easy to overlook the flaws of an affair partner because the things you really need are already being taken care of by your spouse. My friend had an affair with an older chubby party girl. It was easy for him to overlook most of her flaws because he had a beautiful intelligent wife at home. The drinking and partying was one dimensional... and so was his affair. This dynamic can be very strong in the workplace too.

 

I think that if you don't see a change in your opinion of the OM over time... you probably have a big problem.

 

That is one reason I disagree with DTK's analysis. This sucks to say but people who would happily run off with their affair partner may not have the same feeling after actually doing it. So, it doesn't necessarily make the spouse second choice.

[DKT3]

Wise post.

 

I think this is a view that some BS need to consider. Having read emails to both my wife's OM, and unfortunately even ex lovers she had before me (her email account was chock full of misery for me) is what I read the truth of her, what she really felt or wanted or did?

 

Are emails, full of hormones/brain chemicals, to AP or lovers "the truth" of what was really in their head or heart? Or snap shots in time? or an act or role for the WS with their AP?

 

But I do think they needed to be exposed and read as part of the process for any BS, but they do need to be taken with a grain of salt.

 

 

I agree with this, a lot of "pillow talk" between AP's is purely fantasy and re enforcement of bad behaviour. I'm one who can honestly say I did/ don't believe that many wayward spouses actually share true feeling or they share confused feeling in conversations with AP.

 

Much like that "in love feeling" its maybe just a product of the affair. In many cases the BS finding out can snap the WS's head around and pull them right out of it. Then they only have the desire to believe it meant enough to risk it all. Once that is gone all that is left is pain, shame and regrets.

 

OverIt, I have one last question then I will exclude myself from your threads (I will PM later to explain). You mentioned that AP is getting divorced, does that knowledge give you any pause in continuing down the road with your husband? Maybe seeing an opening?

[DKT3]

Just like the numb, the pain fades too in time.

 

Owl once told me that people affair down. The person you have an affair with is almost never as high in quality as your spouse.

 

It's just too easy to overlook the flaws of an affair partner because the things you really need are already being taken care of by your spouse. My friend had an affair with an older chubby party girl. It was easy for him to overlook most of her flaws because he had a beautiful intelligent wife at home. The drinking and partying was one dimensional... and so was his affair. This dynamic can be very strong in the workplace too.

 

I think that if you don't see a change in your opinion of the OM over time... you probably have a big problem.

 

That is one reason I disagree with DTK's analysis. This sucks to say but people who would happily run off with their affair partner may not have the same feeling after actually doing it. So, it doesn't necessarily make the spouse second choice.

 

 

In most cases they don't have the same feelings after they do, it doesn't change the fact that it was the first option. Its that 80/20 thing. You get 80% of what you need in your marriage but fall into an affair where your getting 20% of what was missing. Since you've been missing that 20% for so long its seems like that all you need to be happy. Now that they have the 20% they come to understand just how much the 80% really meant and miss it. Its a mistake in judgement, however it was still their first chioce and it takes losing or almost losing the 80% to know this. I have seen some of these regrets in OverIt's posts which I why I hadn't lost all hope for her marriage. She understood/understands this early in the process.

[OverIt75]

I agree with this, a lot of "pillow talk" between AP's is purely fantasy and re enforcement of bad behaviour. I'm one who can honestly say I did/ don't believe that many wayward spouses actually share true feeling or they share confused feeling in conversations with AP.

 

Much like that "in love feeling" its maybe just a product of the affair. In many cases the BS finding out can snap the WS's head around and pull them right out of it. Then they only have the desire to believe it meant enough to risk it all. Once that is gone all that is left is pain, shame and regrets.

 

OverIt, I have one last question then I will exclude myself from your threads (I will PM later to explain). You mentioned that AP is getting divorced, does that knowledge give you any pause in continuing down the road with your husband? Maybe seeing an opening?

 

No...I really have come to the conclusion that I don't want AP in real life. Even in the throes of the A I could rationally grasp that I would only want him in the A. In fact, I want to get far, far from this mess. I want to have nothing to do with it.

 

I hope I have not offended you. I've appreciated your advice.

[elaine567]

In most cases they don't have the same feelings after they do, it doesn't change the fact that it was the first option. Its that 80/20 thing. You get 80% of what you need in your marriage but fall into an affair where your getting 20% of what was missing. Since you've been missing that 20% for so long its seems like that all you need to be happy. Now that they have the 20% they come to understand just how much the 80% really meant and miss it. Its a mistake in judgement, however it was still their first chioce and it takes losing or almost losing the 80% to know this. I have seen some of these regrets in OverIt's posts which I why I hadn't lost all hope for her marriage. She understood/understands this early in the process.

 

Can you really say that it is an 80/20 thing?

That people who cheat are really 80% invested in their marriage? That the marriage provided 80% of their needs?

 

I would guess it is highly variable and I would guess that some are indeed 100% invested in the AP, and some are 0% invested in the AP, with all levels in between.

 

I also feel that as the affair goes on, it will depend on the relationship with the AP and the advantages of staying married that will decide whether it is best to leave or attempt reconciliation.

Of course the BS comes into the equation then too, if no reconciliation is on the table, then it is a direct choice, continue with the AP or live alone.

Living alone is the choice, if the AP is unavailable or the AP is not seen as partner material.

 

Yes, some do miss their marriage, and there can be regret, but how much of that is really pragmatism.

[DKT3]

Can you really say that it is an 80/20 thing?

That people who cheat are really 80% invested in their marriage? That the marriage provided 80% of their needs?

 

I would guess it is highly variable and I would guess that some are indeed 100% invested in the AP, and some are 0% invested in the AP, with all levels in between.

 

I also feel that as the affair goes on, it will depend on the relationship with the AP and the advantages of staying married that will decide whether it is best to leave or attempt reconciliation.

Of course the BS comes into the equation then too, if no reconciliation is on the table, then it is a direct choice, continue with the AP or live alone.

Living alone is the choice, if the AP is unavailable or the AP is not seen as partner material.

 

Yes, some do miss their marriage, and there can be regret, but how much of that is really pragmatism.

 

Those who are 100% vested in the AP don't stay married. 80/20 is just what its called. The percentage isn't really important. Stats show that 68% of wayward wives consider leaving the marriage for the AP. Roughly 30% do, of that 30% 3 of 4 attempt to return to the marriage within a year. Why? Because what they gave up meant more then what they gave it up for.

[BetrayedH]

In most cases they don't have the same feelings after they do, it doesn't change the fact that it was the first option. Its that 80/20 thing. You get 80% of what you need in your marriage but fall into an affair where your getting 20% of what was missing. Since you've been missing that 20% for so long its seems like that all you need to be happy. Now that they have the 20% they come to understand just how much the 80% really meant and miss it. Its a mistake in judgement, however it was still their first chioce and it takes losing or almost losing the 80% to know this.

 

Really interesting concept, DKT3. It's a very apt summary for a lot of affair scenarios, IMHO. To me, it really helps explain the sudden shift from the AP to the marriage following a Dday. And I think it helps to mitigate some of this "second choice" business.

[drifter777]

Really interesting concept, DKT3. It's a very apt summary for a lot of affair scenarios, IMHO. To me, it really helps explain the sudden shift from the AP to the marriage following a Dday. And I think it helps to mitigate some of this "second choice" business.

I hate the fact that I was just a back up plan when my WW decided to cheat. It was like "well, I can always get him back if this doesn't work out". But the real issue is that nearly all BH's are indeed their WW's second choice. In most cases their first choice was to have OM and their BH. To keep cake-eating until they decide they want something different.

 

WW's: wouldn't having husband and OM have been your first choice?

[Selfish]

WW's: wouldn't having husband and OM have been your first choice?

 

Well, my spouse was never my back up plan as I never wanted more than a fling. That makes things different. I was being selfish and stupid and a whole lot of other unsavory words. And at the time of my affair both were my choice because I was literally doing both. Yuck, it is gross isn't it. I can see why you are so unkind but I think maybe it is time for you to find some healing from this. I have read some of your posts. You have been living in the past a long time. But back to me. I personally quickly found when the PA started that I hated myself to the point of self harm. I hated who I had become and what I was doing to my spouse. So I decided I didn't want both, I only wanted my spouse. Thankfully it wasn't too late for us. Not every WS is that lucky.

[Selfish]

Take care Overit if you read this. I've been there and I have empathy for you. I understand the crazy and the change. And I know looking back and saying WTF. Keep on going and don't worry about the naysayers on here. Some of them mean well, others not so much. But in the end it is your life and your spouse. We are nothing just faceless strangers. I see the progress in you and know it will continue if you keep on the way you are going.

 

And try not to stay down on yourself too long. One of the hardest things for those who truly care about the terrible things they have done is self forgiveness. Self hatred won't help you or your husband. You screwed up and hurt your husband. It will be a roller coaster going through this. But, you are not scum, or worthless. You are worth saving. You are worth a second chance. It might not come with your husband. But your life and his is not over. Whether it is together or not.

 

You are not worthless

[road]

Well, my spouse was never my back up plan as I never wanted more than a fling. That makes things different. I was being selfish and stupid and a whole lot of other unsavory words. And at the time of my affair both were my choice because I was literally doing both. Yuck, it is gross isn't it. I can see why you are so unkind but I think maybe it is time for you to find some healing from this. I have read some of your posts. You have been living in the past a long time. But back to me. I personally quickly found when the PA started that I hated myself to the point of self harm. I hated who I had become and what I was doing to my spouse. So I decided I didn't want both, I only wanted my spouse. Thankfully it wasn't too late for us. Not every WS is that lucky.

 

 

 

Did your BH find out about you cheating?

 

 

The BH is always the back up man. Even when the WW does not plan on divorcing her BH for the OM. For when the WW decides to end her affair she goes back to her BH. That makes the BH the back up man. He gets what's left after the OM is gone.

 

 

Then when a WW gets away with not getting caught they are statistically likely to have another affair with a new OM. Again the BH is again her back up plan.

[fellini]

I agree. I dont think quantifying needs is going to help understand what using these percentages is trying to do. I do think the EFFECT is somewhat the same.

 

Yes, all affairs are different. But this thing about "needs" needs to be discussed in a more complex way. I have noticed, and unfortunately, I have experienced, that "needs analysis" always seems to come after the fact. And more importantly, I think only Waywards are in a good position to discuss how they feel "needs" articulated their desire to cheat.

 

Needs as an excuse almost always is raised AFTER DDay. I think that is very relevant. My WS tried to use "needs met" with her IC about 2 days before she decided to have sex with her AP. Essentially she had already decided and was looking for some kind of permission from him. In the end, nothing he said, and he said to her very simply: If you have a need, don't have sex with this man, go home, talk to your husband and tell him you want this need met." Advice she also refused to heed.

 

But I learned after DDAY that she had a confident who was on board during about a one and a half years during the EA stage. Needs were never the reason given for wanting to be with the AP. She just WANTED HIM.

And when her confidant asked her, after a year: are you prepared to lose your husband and family (9 year old) for this her answer was "Im not prepared to give up XXX".

 

So we talked about these socalled needs, and as I have expressed elsewhere, it was not that 80% vs. 20% were in play, it was, as Elaine says, 100% desire to be with the AP. I could have easily met those 20% if that had been the case. But even if we want to talk about the 20%, we might have to put it this way: a 100% commitment to having a 20% need to have sex with a guy Im enormously attracted to. Obviously a BH isn't going to meet that need in any universe.

 

And really, after a long 1 year EA, any needs that she thought she was getting met by me where already transferred to the AP so that by the time they were sleeping together the only "needs" she had left for me were to take care of our daughter while she was screwing AP.

 

Can you really say that it is an 80/20 thing?

That people who cheat are really 80% invested in their marriage? That the marriage provided 80% of their needs?

 

I would guess it is highly variable and I would guess that some are indeed 100% invested in the AP, and some are 0% invested in the AP, with all levels in between.

 

I also feel that as the affair goes on, it will depend on the relationship with the AP and the advantages of staying married that will decide whether it is best to leave or attempt reconciliation.

Of course the BS comes into the equation then too, if no reconciliation is on the table, then it is a direct choice, continue with the AP or live alone.

Living alone is the choice, if the AP is unavailable or the AP is not seen as partner material.

 

Yes, some do miss their marriage, and there can be regret, but how much of that is really pragmatism.

[BetrayedH]

I hate the fact that I was just a back up plan when my WW decided to cheat. It was like "well, I can always get him back if this doesn't work out". But the real issue is that nearly all BH's are indeed their WW's second choice. In most cases their first choice was to have OM and their BH. To keep cake-eating until they decide they want something different.

 

WW's: wouldn't having husband and OM have been your first choice?

 

The thought that I'm having is that perhaps this 80/20 concept has some merit. We see many waywards say that they have no interest in leaving their spouse. They take great pains to not be caught and there's no plans to leave the BS. Even moreso, we see nearly all waywards dump the AP after Dday (both male and female). Certainly there could be other factors for them staying (damage control of reputation, the kids, etc) but perhaps the BS never really was the "back-up plan" at all and was always the primary plan. In many cases, I think the wayward just wanted "more." It's not that their "needs" were unmet; for the record, I have great disdain for that term as I do believe that it's just a rationalization.

 

My gut says that for many waywards, the BS was never a backup plan. The plan was never to lose the BS but to try to have some extra. When push comes to shove (meaning that they are forced to choose and cannot have both), it's the AP that's gone. They may have liked (even loved) the extra they got and had taken for granted the BS (that was home taking care of their kids) but they're not throwing their BS away for the AP. Just because a wayward wanted two people doesn't mean that the BS was the backup. It just means that the wayward was unrealistically selfish.

Edited December 2, 2014 by BetrayedH

[purplesorrow]

The thought that I'm having is that perhaps this 80/20 concept has some merit. We see many waywards say that they have no interest in leaving their spouse. They take great pains to not be caught and there's no plans to leave the BS. Even moreso, we see nearly all waywards dump the AP after Dday (both male and female). Certainly there could be other factors for them staying (damage control of reputation, the kids, etc) but perhaps the BS never really was the "back-up plan" at all and was always the primary plan. In many cases, I think the wayward just wanted "more." It's not that their "needs" were unmet; for the record, I have great disdain for that term as I do believe that it's just a rationalization.

 

My gut says that for many waywards, the BS was never a backup plan. The plan was never to lose the BS but to try to have some extra. When push comes to shove (meaning that they are forced to choose and cannot have both), it's the AP that's gone. They may have liked (even loved) the extra they got and had taken for granted the BS (that was home taking care of their kids) but they're not throwing their BS away for the AP. Just because a wayward wanted two people doesn't mean that the BS was the backup. It just means that the wayward was unrealistically selfish.

 

I get what you are saying. I still felt like the back up. I feel like he thought I have devoted, loyal purple at home that does a lot for me. She loves me and she will be there no matter what. I'm going to give yellow over there a try. As long as purple doesn't know, it won't hurt her or me (aka jacka$$). He got away with yellow, then green (one night stands) then blue was the affair. I found out about the rainbow all at once. I was home for him, no matter what, you can always go back home.

[fellini]

Im more inclined to believe from experience that it was that the WS never really considered that they would lose the BS.

 

The voice says: "you go this route you might / risk / could / will probably etc. LOSE your spouse."

 

The voice that is doing all the talking that is leading to all the decisions says: Ill cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, s/he doesn't know and this feels awesome. I want more. I deserve more.

 

If this has any merit, it has nothing much to say about needs or who is plan a or who is plan b other than:

 

"I WANT more of this and I am Plan A. Period."

 

Plan B is everything else that could happen: get caught, leave BS, end it, go on like this for years...

 

I don't think Plan B even matters to most waywards.

 

And Im pretty sure that on my DDAY my WS admitted she was with someone, but she wasn't even sure which way she was about to go. Stay or leave was not an answer she had answered at this point. She was just in from fresh sex and still savouring that had no other plans other than to arrange their next meeting, which was supposed to be 30 minutes from that moment

 

 

 

 

 

The thought that I'm having is that perhaps this 80/20 concept has some merit. We see many waywards say that they have no interest in leaving their spouse. They take great pains to not be caught and there's no plans to leave the BS. Even moreso, we see nearly all waywards dump the AP after Dday (both male and female). Certainly there could be other factors for them staying (damage control of reputation, the kids, etc) but perhaps the BS never really was the "back-up plan" at all and was always the primary plan. In many cases, I think the wayward just wanted "more." It's not that their "needs" were unmet; for the record, I have great disdain for that term as I do believe that it's just a rationalization.

 

My gut says that for many waywards, the BS was never a backup plan. The plan was never to lose the BS but to try to have some extra. When push comes to shove (meaning that they are forced to choose and cannot have both), it's the AP that's gone. They may have liked (even loved) the extra they got and had taken for granted the BS (that was home taking care of their kids) but they're not throwing their BS away for the AP. Just because a wayward wanted two people doesn't mean that the BS was the backup. It just means that the wayward was unrealistically selfish.

[BetrayedH]

I get what you are saying. I still felt like the back up. I feel like he thought I have devoted, loyal purple at home that does a lot for me. She loves me and she will be there no matter what. I'm going to give yellow over there a try. As long as purple doesn't know, it won't hurt her or me (aka jacka$$). He got away with yellow, then green (one night stands) then blue was the affair. I found out about the rainbow all at once. I was home for him, no matter what, you can always go back home.

 

Fair enough. Trust me, I'm not saying it was right to do this to any of us.

 

My point is that many BSs feel like "second choice." Perhaps that's the better term. They feel that if the WS could be with the AP, they would leave. And so the WS is only there with the BS because they can't have the AP. But I think that's less frequent than we believe. I think when given the choice, not very many waywards choose the AP. They may have focused 100% on that 20% bonus but they're not giving up their good spouse for it.

 

Is it selfish, wrong, hurtful, and unfair? Sure. But I don't think betrayed spouses have to be so down on themselves about it. As usual, I see this as a problem with the wayward, not with the BS.

[purplesorrow]

Fair enough. Trust me, I'm not saying it was right to do this to any of us.

 

My point is that many BSs feel like "second choice." Perhaps that's the better term. They feel that if the WS could be with the AP, they would leave. And so the WS is only there with the BS because they can't have the AP. But I think that's less frequent than we believe. I think when given the choice, not very many waywards choose the AP. They may have focused 100% on that 20% bonus but they're not giving up their good spouse for it.

 

Is it selfish, wrong, hurtful, and unfair? Sure. But I don't think betrayed spouses have to be so down on themselves about it. As usual, I see this as a problem with the wayward, not with the BS.

 

My WH had opportunity as his ap was single. There are times when that made me angry because it meant he truly threw us away for nothing.

[elaine567]

I get what you are saying. I still felt like the back up. I feel like he thought I have devoted, loyal purple at home that does a lot for me. She loves me and she will be there no matter what. I'm going to give yellow over there a try. As long as purple doesn't know, it won't hurt her or me (aka jacka$$). He got away with yellow, then green (one night stands) then blue was the affair. I found out about the rainbow all at once. I was home for him, no matter what, you can always go back home.

 

I think for most people, making hard choices is difficult. Do I live in the rambling house by the lake in my home town, or do I go seek my fortune and live in an apartment in the city? Do I go and study medicine or do I go round the world surfing? Do I take this exciting job with a low salary or do I plod on with my old job but make a fortune?

Most of us have to choose one, we do not have the luxury of being able to do both.

 

BUT when a WS embarks on an affair, the choice she/he normally has to make, i.e. the choice between the BS or the AP can be left hanging in the air.

The WS can let that slide, no decision needs to be made, unless of course the AP says "STOP, you can have me or the BS - choose now?"

In ongoing affairs, that doesn't tend to happen, so they choose to duck out of the choice.

 

If someone waved a magic wand and said you CAN have the lakeside house AND the flat in the city, what is not to like? We would all like to be in that position.

For a WS they are in that magic place, their hard decision is no longer a hard choice, as long as they can keep others from finding out.

They CAN have the AP and the BS, so what's not to like?

 

But IRL, given the choice between the lakeside home where you grew up and the exciting but scary apartment in the big city, then most will choose the easiest, the most comfortable, the least risky, and the safest, and that is probably the lakeside home, so after d-day, that is where the WS goes - home.

[purplesorrow]

So, you agree the spouse is plan b? And in our case the other wasn't some great apartment, just a run down shack. Ok paint on the outside but a big ol mess once you walk through the door.

[beach]

I hate the fact that I was just a back up plan when my WW decided to cheat. It was like "well, I can always get him back if this doesn't work out". But the real issue is that nearly all BH's are indeed their WW's second choice. In most cases their first choice was to have OM and their BH. To keep cake-eating until they decide they want something different.

 

WW's: wouldn't having husband and OM have been your first choice?

 

But you have choices too. No one forces a betrayed spouse to stay with the cheater.

 

One person in the marriage can leave at any time.

[BetrayedH]

My WH had opportunity as his ap was single. There are times when that made me angry because it meant he truly threw us away for nothing.

 

That always seems to be the catch 22.

 

If they loved the AP, we're hurt because we were thrown away for someone else If they didn't love the AP, we're hurt because we were thrown away for nothing.

 

I see similar situations with other things. Some are upset that the WS took off their wedding ring when engaged with the AP. Others are upset that they didn't take it off.

 

It all sucks.