Confessed - **Updated**

[cif]

Give it time. It's only been a few months. Now that you're not with AP everyday those feelings might subside. Since you're working to reconcile, put all your energy into that. Also, AP isn't really an option anyway right?

[OverIt75]

Of course your feelings for xAP are real. And the fact that they are real does not mean anything regarding whether or not you should stay married. You need to evaluate your marriage on its OWN merits. The affair is separate. And it is not the person (the husband or the AP) you should be examining and evaluating, it is YOU. Relationships change. Feelings change. Other people change. And yes, YOU change. But you have to live with yourself.

 

Trust once broken is difficult to rebuild. But everyone is different. There is no way to predict what people will feel or do. But if you had an affair in the first place it is apparent you were not happy in your marriage. Are you so content with having someone else make your decisions for you that you believe you are not going to stray again?

 

Life does not exist with marriage. Marriage exists within life.

 

You make great points.

 

I am not choosing between two people - I need to choose between rebuilding my marriage or not.

 

And just because feelings are real doesn't mean the M is bad or doomed.

 

Feelings are just that - feelings. And they ebb and flow with the movement of our daily lives. I guess it's not feelings themselves that should be judged - rather what we do about them.

[OverIt75]

yes, it is normal.with working togther you and your husband can make it work. You can be happy again. Right now your emotions and feelings will be all over the place as will your husband's. It isn't just time that helps but what you do with it. Look for the good in your husband and the reasons why you have been with him 20 years. You can get the feelings back for him. They may not be gone just buried

 

THANK YOU for this.

[DKT3]

First, I'm glad you came back. I thought you would.

 

It is common, right down to the desire to "run away", which is where the thinking that he deserves better. Its hard to face your actions.

 

As far as the feelings you "have" for the boss, its likely part real but mostly it could be you really wanting it to have meant more to make it worth the risk you took being that it has cost you your job and may still cost you your marriage. My own WW had this very struggle. She so badly wanted him and their A to mean more. As she gained distance she understood that it really didn't.

 

Your human, no one expect you to just turn off your emotional connection. But you have to deal with it in a manner that doesn't push him away. For a while you may even be angry at your husband because he isn't your boss/ap. Maybe you won't understand why your angry.

 

Lastly, don't run away. You gave your husband the option and he is at this point staying, hold on to that and make the best of it. Him continuing to stay is in large part up to you, your attitude and decisions you make going forward. Before my divorce my wifes attitude sucked so I left. After she changed she did all the things that made me see again that woman I fell in love with. Mine was a long process, but with her doing the heavy lifting it made it so hard to stay away. I know you want to be with your husband, that was always clear in your posts. Its hard now, but don't let that change that basic desire. It gets better no matter what as long as you let go of the outcome and work on YOU.

[OverIt75]

Even though I have my good days and bad days, my wife has been busting her butt to show how sorry she is and that she wants to make this work. That is my advice to you. I can't tell you what your future will hold in terms of what your husband will do. I'm not going to lie, the odds are stacked against you. The vast majority of marriages fail once an affair is discovered. However, I think those marriages fail because the WS does not express true remorse. This is going to take years for you and your husband to get over. Not a day goes by where I don't ask my wife why she did it and why she felt the need to keep it from me? She doesn't get argumentative and more importantly, she doesn't blame me. Her cheating was on her and her alone and she owns that. If you want to make this work, you have to accept the fact that your husband might leave you through this process. My wife knows that each day could possibly be the day I say I'm done. However, that hasn't stopped her from doing everything in her power to keep me from going. I'm only a couple of weeks after D Day and I have no idea what the future holds. I do know that if my wife hasn't tried as hard as she is been doing, I would have left by now. My question is to you "are you ready to do some heavy lifting?" Not to put you down but I hear a lot of reticence in your post. Yes, you both are going to have to put the work in, but because you cheated you are going to have to work harder to bringing your marriage back to a somewhat normal place. I will definitely pray for you though.

 

I appreciate this. I'm sure you do hear reticence in my post...I guess I'm trying to save that for places like LS rather than show it to my H. I am hoping that deep down these feelings are just smoke and will fade as time goes by. Therefore I am making every effort to reconcile with my H. I no longer work, which H knows is a huge sacrifice for me and I am doing it for our M. I set us up with MC. I never blameshift. I did not TT him. I am just trying to stay humble and keep my head down as we work through this.

[OverIt75]

First, I'm glad you came back. I thought you would.

 

It is common, right down to the desire to "run away", which is where the thinking that he deserves better. Its hard to face your actions.

 

As far as the feelings you "have" for the boss, its likely part real but mostly it could be you really wanting it to have meant more to make it worth the risk you took being that it has cost you your job and may still cost you your marriage. My own WW had this very struggle. She so badly wanted him and their A to mean more. As she gained distance she understood that it really didn't. This is so true. Even our MC said that I would have needed to create the 'in love' feeling and soulmate crap in order to justify what I had done, considering it is so opposed to my morals and values in 'real life.'

 

Your human, no one expect you to just turn off your emotional connection. But you have to deal with it in a manner that doesn't push him away. For a while you may even be angry at your husband because he isn't your boss/ap. Maybe you won't understand why your angry. I am keeping any confusion about AP to myself. My H does not need to suffer any additional insult, especially since I believe it is mostly foggy thinking.

 

Lastly, don't run away. You gave your husband the option and he is at this point staying, hold on to that and make the best of it. Him continuing to stay is in large part up to you, your attitude and decisions you make going forward. Before my divorce my wifes attitude sucked so I left. After she changed she did all the things that made me see again that woman I fell in love with. Mine was a long process, but with her doing the heavy lifting it made it so hard to stay away. I know you want to be with your husband, that was always clear in your posts. Its hard now, but don't let that change that basic desire. It gets better no matter what as long as you let go of the outcome and work on YOU.

I am trying to learn from your story and many others on this board. I don't want to wake up one day and find out it's too late for H and I. I am going to give this everything I've got. It's really showed me a lot about myself. If I allow the 'suffering' to do its work, I feel like I could actually come out a better person in the end.

 

THANK YOU!!!

[Bigdaddyt]

I have read your earlier posts and I could feel your anguish over your affair. You are correct that you must choose to try to make your marriage work or not. I personally think that if you and your husband will fully commit to making this work it will. It will not be easy and will probably take years. A twenty year marriage with two children is worth the effort.

 

I was cheated on by my first wife and I committed to R, however she didn't come out of the fog until it was too late. Realize that your husband has been there for you for twenty years, your affair partner hasn't. My wife and I divorce with two young children and now I am remarried and she is alone. Her affair partner, her soul mate went back to his wife and children.

 

I filed for divorce because she broke NC and couldn't handle the fact that I was severely wounded by her actions. Not just myself but our children. If your R with your husband is going to work you must give it all you have, there will be good days and bad. Embrace the good and the bad will pass .

[dichotomy]

As I kind of tried to explain in the other thread - for me (maybe other BS's too) its a circular thing. How I feel about my spouse involves some understanding or speculation of how she feels about me and OM and time with OM.

 

If I feel WW is compromising or settling in anyway by staying with me - well then - I am as well. Understand? Its a circular street (not just two way).

Edited November 26, 2014 by dichotomy

[drifter777]

...

 

(Comments stating, 'Why don't you just let your H go and be with OM?' are not helpful).

 

Thank you.

This is very telling for even the most rudimentary of statement analysis. Especially so because you added it in such a way that it cannot be missed in your post. You clearly related this message to all of us:

 

let your H go and be with OM

 

You say it's not helpful. That's because you already know this and it's your strong preference at this point. I believe that you don't want it to be true and are looking for a magic bullet that will make you let go of AP and fall back in love with your husband. I'm not a WS so I won't offer any thoughts on this.

 

Originally your husband kicked you out. Why did he change his mind and decide to try to reconcile? If you aren't committed to the long, frustrating, painful process you are signing up for then you should be thanking those who echo back your own words that you should just end the marriage and move on with your life.

[Buckeye2]

OP, thank you for your truthfulness and starting this thread.

 

I no longer work, which H knows is a huge sacrifice for me and I am doing it for our M.

 

 

I may have missed it but I wouldlike to clarify something. Was quitting your job the sacrifice or is not working the sacrifice? That is, would you still be working for the OM if you were getting a divorce?

[OverIt75]

OP, thank you for your truthfulness and starting this thread.

 

 

 

 

I may have missed it but I wouldlike to clarify something. Was quitting your job the sacrifice or is not working the sacrifice? That is, would you still be working for the OM if you were getting a divorce?

 

Hmmm...I can see this from more than one perspective.

 

Firstly, I feel that the sacrifice is not being able to continue in my career, period. Because of what I did, I will likely never work in my profession again, at least as long as we live in the same area. I put many years into building a high level of expertise in a very specialized subject. I pretty much threw all that away (unintentionally, of course) by having an A.

 

As far as working at that specific job - there are moments that I think I miss it. However, it was actually quite stressful and even more so in the last year since starting the A.

 

If my H had said he was absolutely done and filed for D, I am still not sure I would work there. In fact, I fear I would feel like I HAD to, just because, what the hell else would I do for money?? As it is, I feel like I've been rescued to an extent. I've told H that I know just because he wants to R today, doesn't mean he will want to tomorrow. I have to be the constant and show him that I want US, even when he struggles. That includes giving up that job, even if he kicked me out tomorrow.

[OverIt75]

This is very telling for even the most rudimentary of statement analysis. Especially so because you added it in such a way that it cannot be missed in your post. You clearly related this message to all of us:

 

let your H go and be with OM

 

You say it's not helpful. That's because you already know this and it's your strong preference at this point. I believe that you don't want it to be true and are looking for a magic bullet that will make you let go of AP and fall back in love with your husband. I'm not a WS so I won't offer any thoughts on this.

 

Originally your husband kicked you out. Why did he change his mind and decide to try to reconcile? If you aren't committed to the long, frustrating, painful process you are signing up for then you should be thanking those who echo back your own words that you should just end the marriage and move on with your life.

 

It is not my preference, otherwise I would have done it.

 

I feel I should give everything I've got to reconciliation, thus such a simple and black and white answer is not helpful (I've heard it from many on LS multiple times...not just to me, but others). That certainly may be the best thing to do in some cases, but don't shoot me because I would actually like to make things right.

 

My H kicked me out, then pulled me back in. He said jump, I said how high.

[AlwaysGrowing]

There is nothing stopping you from having a different career.

 

Actually, I think it is the norm now, for people to completely switch occupations during their lifetime.

 

I know I have.

[harrybrown]

I do hope you give your marriage a try.

 

If you can think for a moment in the quiet time, If your H had the A and not you, what would you do? What would you expect him to do to try to stay in the marriage?

 

Think about the OM for a moment. If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. Have you protected the OM or did you help your H expose the A to his wife?

 

That is one step to show your H that he is not entirely your backup plan. You are finally picking your H over the OM.

 

The OM relationship was a fantasy. Your H can not compete with that. If your H had an affair, you could not compete with the A. too many unicorns, excitement and rose colored glasses. Too much selfishness in the A. (and the OM is very selfish. Hope you realize that someday).

 

Good luck to you and your family. Hope things get better.

[Mr. Me]

I appreciate this. I'm sure you do hear reticence in my post...I guess I'm trying to save that for places like LS rather than show it to my H. I am hoping that deep down these feelings are just smoke and will fade as time goes by. Therefore I am making every effort to reconcile with my H. I no longer work, which H knows is a huge sacrifice for me and I am doing it for our M. I set us up with MC. I never blameshift. I did not TT him. I am just trying to stay humble and keep my head down as we work through this.

 

The fact that you would view having to quit your job where you worked with the man you cheated with, as a huge "sacrifice," that is as if you were a martyr, shows this is still all about you. It is not a sacrifice in any meaningful sense of the word. Having to quit your job is a natural consequence of cheating with your boss at the job. As far as no longer working, is that also a consequence--can you not be trusted not to cheat anywhere at all--or, is this a way of punishing your husband by not seeking out other work to at least bring in some income for the family? Is it part of a strategy to minimize your income so in case you do get divorced, you can maximize alimony or spousal support?

 

"I am just trying to stay humble" means you are pretending to be humble. It's false humility which you think you need to show to get past this. Real humble people don't need to "try" to be humble; that's just who they are. But then why would you have any reason NOT to be humble in the first place? How hard could it be for a sincerely remorseful person in your position to stay humble?

 

This is what I meant in your other thread, about you not knowing what these emotions authentically are, and having trouble because you have to fake it.

[Mr. Me]

I am trying to learn from your story and many others on this board. I don't want to wake up one day and find out it's too late for H and I. I am going to give this everything I've got. It's really showed me a lot about myself. If I allow the 'suffering' to do its work, I feel like I could actually come out a better person in the end.

 

THANK YOU!!!

 

Wow.

 

You actually put scare quotes around "suffering."

 

Meaning when you said "suffering," you didn't mean you actually ARE suffering. It's just another simulated emotion on your part that you think you need to pretend to show to your husband so that he won't divorce you.

[BeholdtheMan]

but it's shocking the level of judgment and vitriol I've received from complete strangers.

 

Don't like vitriol? Don't sh*t all over your marriage vows. Actions have consequences. Immoral actions (betraying your spouse) usually leads to justified judgement. People judge you for the good and the bad you do. There's nothing odd with that.

 

That said, good job. You're more honest than a lot of cheaters. At least you didn't take your husband on the merry-go-round of trickle truth and minimisation

[OverIt75]

The fact that you would view having to quit your job where you worked with the man you cheated with, as a huge "sacrifice," that is as if you were a martyr, shows this is still all about you. It is not a sacrifice in any meaningful sense of the word. Having to quit your job is a natural consequence of cheating with your boss at the job. As far as no longer working, is that also a consequence--can you not be trusted not to cheat anywhere at all--or, is this a way of punishing your husband by not seeking out other work to at least bring in some income for the family? Is it part of a strategy to minimize your income so in case you do get divorced, you can maximize alimony or spousal support?

 

"I am just trying to stay humble" means you are pretending to be humble. It's false humility which you think you need to show to get past this. Real humble people don't need to "try" to be humble; that's just who they are. But then why would you have any reason NOT to be humble in the first place? How hard could it be for a sincerely remorseful person in your position to stay humble?

 

This is what I meant in your other thread, about you not knowing what these emotions authentically are, and having trouble because you have to fake it.

 

Wow, Mr. Me. I am sure you are all too familiar with humility yourself. Your user name says it all.

[BeholdtheMan]

Wow, Mr. Me. I am sure you are all too familiar with humility yourself. Your user name says it all.

 

He has a point...with regard to your "sacrifice". It's not that big of a sacrifice considering how you threw your husband's heart under the bus

[OverIt75]

He has a point...with regard to your "sacrifice". It's not that big of a sacrifice considering how you threw your husband's heart under the bus

 

I get it.

 

It's hard to post on this board without eliciting some harsh emotions from somebody.

 

I was just trying to respond to someone who had asked me what I was doing to show H my desire to reconcile.

 

H knows that ending my career is big for me so certainly he does see it as an effort towards reconciliation on my part.

 

I understand that while it is a sacrifice for me, it's also the least I could do for him.

[Realist3]

The fact that you would view having to quit your job where you worked with the man you cheated with, as a huge "sacrifice," that is as if you were a martyr, shows this is still all about you. It is not a sacrifice in any meaningful sense of the word. Having to quit your job is a natural consequence of cheating with your boss at the job. As far as no longer working, is that also a consequence--can you not be trusted not to cheat anywhere at all--or, is this a way of punishing your husband by not seeking out other work to at least bring in some income for the family? Is it part of a strategy to minimize your income so in case you do get divorced, you can maximize alimony or spousal support?

 

"I am just trying to stay humble" means you are pretending to be humble. It's false humility which you think you need to show to get past this. Real humble people don't need to "try" to be humble; that's just who they are. But then why would you have any reason NOT to be humble in the first place? How hard could it be for a sincerely remorseful person in your position to stay humble?

 

This is what I meant in your other thread, about you not knowing what these emotions authentically are, and having trouble because you have to fake it.

 

 

You might be onto something here.

[Mr. Me]

I get it.

 

It's hard to post on this board without eliciting some harsh emotions from somebody.

 

I was just trying to respond to someone who had asked me what I was doing to show H my desire to reconcile.

 

H knows that ending my career is big for me so certainly he does see it as an effort towards reconciliation on my part.

 

I understand that while it is a sacrifice for me, it's also the least I could do for him.

 

Your "career" ended for all intents and purposes when you decided to make a habit of having sex with the boss. Not because you were forced to quit that job due to being caught.

 

I like how you call it a "career" too with this false notion of professionalism. Screwing your boss when both of you are married is about the most unprofessional things you could have done.

 

And let me guess--how much of the affair was carried on during business hours, on company time, using company resources? I'll bet it must have been quite a bit.

 

NOT "professional" at all.

 

I guess if you ever go back into the workforce you could get one hell of a recommendation letter from your ex-boss, though.

[BeholdtheMan]

I get it.

It's hard to post on this board without eliciting some harsh emotions from somebody.

You're going to get harsh criticism. I'm sure that as an adult women, you have the capacity to handle anonymous online criticism.

 

Your husband is handling a lot worse right now. He's handling the gut-punch/sh*t-sandwich you've just served him. You've done something terrible. Expect criticism. Frankly, right now you deserve criticism, not an ego massage

 

I understand that while it is a sacrifice for me, it's also the least I could do for him.

Indeed

 

Your sacrifice pales in comparison to the damage you've done

[gettingstronger]

Not trying to be a downer but did want to tell you that I think what surprised my husband the most and what has been so difficult for him is the length of time reconciliation takes, the number and depth of long painful conversations, all of the layers of betrayal I feel, how often the little off shoots of his A surface-

 

Experts say 3-5 years and at the start I was thinking there is no way we will still be dealing with even a year later, well its been almost 2 years and its still pretty fresh sometimes-

 

Not trying to discourage you, just letting you know its a long haul-

 

Best of luck-

[thummper]

I get it.

 

It's hard to post on this board without eliciting some harsh emotions from somebody.

 

I was just trying to respond to someone who had asked me what I was doing to show H my desire to reconcile.

 

H knows that ending my career is big for me so certainly he does see it as an effort towards reconciliation on my part.

 

I understand that while it is a sacrifice for me, it's also the least I could do for him.

 

Did you quit, or did he do it for you?