Author ap10 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Of course she is being honest, why do you have to assume she's lying? See how an honest conversation solved the matter? OP you are all about playing games and it needs to stop if you want a lasting relationship. You played hard to get and when the table turned around you were ready to play the silent treatment on her. Listen, you played hard to get for 2 months, gave her exclusivity, then got caught at your own game. She turned around and became the one hard to get. After these couple of months of hard to get on your part she never got to see the real you, She was constantly on chase mode finally when she got you she realized she didn't really want you. Hope you will leave these games aside next time. I am sorry for your disappointment. First 2 months. Wasnt really playing games, i was simply not committing. I was always up for every date we had and always spoke to her, just didnt initiate for most of the time. Even if this is classified as a game i wasnt being nasty. The real me for the last 3/4 weeks was simply me showing that i actually care for her more than i showed before. Why would she agree to go exclusive? Why was she messaging me from ibiza telling me she wished we could go away as soon as she came back? This does not make sense. if she had it in her mind for 3 weeks, you would slowly reduce any form of conversation like that. Even when being nice you would go into the friend zone convo style. Something doesnt really match up to me here. Alot of her issues started when she moved. On that week (3 weeks ago) was also the week her ex bf conacted her telling her that he heard shes got a bf and he was glad that put them in the clear!? (they had never spoke for months after their mutual split) everything changed from then on i could feel it. Not much i can do, but it is a shame, because we actually clicked. Any more opinons on this? Does anyone else think she was honest? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I don't know why you are insisting on knowing if she was honest when yourself were far from being your honest self since the beginning. You played hard to get for 2 months, that did not allow her to fully connect to you, she was happy to finally land exclusivity with you because she liked you, but that did not compensate for the lack of connection. You know that feeling of I got you and you got me. Ex showed up and made her easy to be swept off of her feet. She kept the communication going with you because she still liked you. She was confused and reconsidering the relationship but still liked you. No big secret behind it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ap10 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 I don't know why you are insisting on knowing if she was honest when yourself were far from being your honest self since the beginning. You played hard to get for 2 months, that did not allow her to fully connect to you, she was happy to finally land exclusivity with you because she liked you, but that did not compensate for the lack of connection. You know that feeling of I got you and you got me. Ex showed up and made her easy to be swept off of her feet. She kept the communication going with you because she still liked you. She was confused and reconsidering the relationship but still liked you. No big secret behind it. Fair points. I understand what you are saying. I even told her last week we could walk away, but she clearly handnt made her mind up yet. A little selfish on her end. Me not being honest or expressing feelings is normal in early days of relationship. Being fake is another case, but i wasnt that. However we have ended like this and i respect your feedback on it Link to post Share on other sites
Author ap10 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 is this definitely over?? She says her heart doesnt want to do it and break up and that she wanted to do everything to make it work, hence why she went exlusive, but says she is forcing herself to like me because her mind says something else. BUT she doesnt know what issues are in her mind and says its not about being single. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 is this definitely over?? ap10, you suggested the break up didn't you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ap10 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 ap10, you suggested the break up didn't you? I suggested the breakup? Do you mean I led her to do this? Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Go back to your initial posts about this girl. Everyone could see that it was too much game playing going on. Go back to the first page here where I could see she was giving you the slow fade. This all boils down to too much game playing and not making your intentions clear from the beginning. You kept telling this girl you didn't want a relationship then she ended up back on Tinder. You just have to chalk this up to a huge life lesson that when you meet a great person you CAN NOT play games. You end up losing someone you really liked and just look around LS, it's hard to find a good person these days. I applaud you because you did finally man up and went exclusive but I think it was just too late. Take this time to work on your commitment issues and be more genuine from the gate with the next one. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I suggested the breakup? Do you mean I led her to do this? Her: I need to speak to you but dont know when i will see you next Me: Call me now if you like we can do a five minute closure (i worded this way because i new what was coming) Well, sure, it looks like it. Maybe that's not what was on her mind. 'Closure' is a pretty strong word (as in final), where did that come from? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ap10 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Her: I need to speak to you but dont know when i will see you next Me: Call me now if you like we can do a five minute closure (i worded this way because i new what was coming) Well, sure, it looks like it. Maybe that's not what was on her mind. 'Closure' is a pretty strong word (as in final), where did that come from? It was very clear when she same on the phone that's what she wanted to say. I think me saying that made it even more comfortable to have the chat. I also agree with the fact that it is partly my fault for not committing earlier, but I doubt 3 weeks earlier would make such a huge difference even if she raised questions about us and went back on tinder. In the end I did it and asked for grt to be exclusive and apologised to her for being wishy washy in the two months. She was so happy when we had this chat. The next day I even got a message from her telling me that I make her smile so much. Why has it come I this I don't know. We had our hiccup last week before Ibiza but we saw what happened with our actions. Her telling me she was worried I left her etc. then me contacting her whilst in Ibiza showing that I care. Her telling me whilst on holiday that she wished we could go away together when she got back. Get texting me when she touched down. Would she have been doing all this to be nice if she knew deep down she was going to have to stop herself from seeing me?? I don't know I can't really see how it would work like that. If she had this in her mind and was confused she would have faded me out by not texting me as much not telling me that she thought I was going to leave her, not telling that she wished we could go away together when she got back from Ibiza. Like what happened? She touched down saturday night and messaged me 'look who's just landed!?! ' and I couldn't respond properly as I was out. Then the next morning I phone and she's cool But again 100 things on her mind. Then at night we breakup but still speak to each other like a couple. Both out hearts beating fast and her telling me that her heart doesn't want to do this but her head is telling her. She told me did really like me (meaning she doesn't like me as much now) but reasons I am not clear?? Do I just leave it? Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 This one is over. The bottom line is that if you don't feel like putting at least half the effort into a budding relationship from the beginning of your interactions with that person, don't be surprised if they get tired of you later. Healthy relationships start with mutual efforts. You are too avoidant and end up with people who like to be with someone for the sake of the chase. Normal people who want healthy relationships wouldn't put up with this much chasing and she did. That says something about her too. Next time, don't date people who you don't like enough to initiate dates with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ap10 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 (edited) This one is over. The bottom line is that if you don't feel like putting at least half the effort into a budding relationship from the beginning of your interactions with that person, don't be surprised if they get tired of you later. Healthy relationships start with mutual efforts. You are too avoidant and end up with people who like to be with someone for the sake of the chase. Normal people who want healthy relationships wouldn't put up with this much chasing and she did. That says something about her too. Next time, don't date people who you don't like enough to initiate dates with. You're right. Pretty much sums it up. I am disappointed with whole situation. I really liked her. Any advice on how to get her back if any right now? Every break up to date I have just left it, but I really like her Edited July 21, 2014 by ap10 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Go back to your initial posts about this girl. Everyone could see that it was too much game playing going on. This all boils down to too much game playing and not making your intentions clear from the beginning. You kept telling this girl you didn't want a relationship then she ended up back on Tinder. You just have to chalk this up to a huge life lesson that when you meet a great person you CAN NOT play games. You end up losing someone you really liked and just look around LS, it's hard to find a good person these days. I applaud you because you did finally man up and went exclusive but I think it was just too late. Take this time to work on your commitment issues and be more genuine from the gate with the next one. Good luck! f*ck, f*ck. i'm sorry, OP. I really wish things hadn't turned out like this. I do agree with this part of what is said above. There is another post going on where they are debating why the guy must initiate. It's a simple pattern that lets us (girls) know where we stand with you. It's not because we are lazy--it's just the general accepted pattern. Sure there are deviations from this pattern but most girls are wondering why from the first time they notice they deviations--it puts the whole relationship in question in her mind--even when her initiating actions continued. I still don't believe this is the last you will hear from her--she sounds like someone who likes a push/pull, emotional see-saw. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 The bottom line is that if you don't feel like putting at least half the effort into a budding relationship from the beginning of your interactions with that person, don't be surprised if they get tired of you later. Healthy relationships start with mutual efforts. You are too avoidant and end up with people who like to be with someone for the sake of the chase. Normal people who want healthy relationships wouldn't put up with this much chasing and she did. That says something about her too. Next time, don't date people who you don't like enough to initiate dates with. Eivuwan has great advice here. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ap10 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 f*ck, f*ck. i'm sorry, OP. I really wish things hadn't turned out like this. I do agree with this part of what is said above. There is another post going on where they are debating why the guy must initiate. It's a simple pattern that lets us (girls) know where we stand with you. It's not because we are lazy--it's just the general accepted pattern. Sure there are deviations from this pattern but most girls are wondering why from the first time they notice they deviations--it puts the whole relationship in question in her mind--even when her initiating actions continued. I still don't believe this is the last you will hear from her--she sounds like someone who likes a push/pull, emotional see-saw. Thanks for replying. She texted me last night saying 'I hope you're brother in law is ok'. She knew my brother in law was in hospital, but on our call yesterday I pretty much ended the call saying all the best and have a good life, as we wouldn't speak to each other. She's obviously been nice with the text. I went back short and said 'he's recovering slowly. thank you' and that was it. Was there any need for her to text? I do miss talking to het and I bet she does too Link to post Share on other sites
Author ap10 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 Eivuwan has great advice here. Good luck. i did initiate dates, i just didnt initiate contact, morning, afternoon and night. She would be the first or beat me to it. She never left off. It was like that for 2 months and then she moved house and something triggered her off. Then her excitement died, but we still maintained contact because i began initiating, but not hogging the phone like she did. It became 50/50. I wish i just knew what the problem was. On monday night we had the closure and i wished her all the best in life and that enjoyed myself very much. NEXT DAY i receive a text from her at night saying 'i hope your brother in law is ok'....would she text if she didnt want to contact? Why bother? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 i receive a text from her at night saying 'i hope your brother in law is ok'....would she text if she didnt want to contact? Why bother? Why do YOU bother when YOU offer the break up?? Isn't that what you wanted? OR were you again playing some power game? and a break up isn't what you wanted!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ap10 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 Why do YOU bother when YOU offer the break up?? Isn't that what you wanted? OR were you again playing some power game? and a break up isn't what you wanted!! Wait, she is the one that said 'i need to speak to you, but dont know when im going to see you, i can call you'. With the way things have been, this was clearly a lets put closure. I responded to that and said yea call me and we can put closure in 5 minutes. Yea closure is not the best word, but it was used. Our call involved several words where i told her i liked her alot, but her words were that she didnt know what she felt right now and felt like she has been forcing herself to like me and wanted to make it work. However her heart says KEEP him, but her mind says LEAVE him. If she wanted to she could have said i dont want to put closure on it i wanted to tell you etc etc etc. So why would she contact me the next day? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 You mentioned the break up. You ASSUMED she wanted to call to break up maybe she just wanted to share with you how she felt. You could have offered a completely different alternative. YOU spoke as if it was over for you with that 'closure' sentence, you thought by pushing her she would react with a pull, but she didn't, you got caught at your own game. Why she text you? Because she cares, because maybe she did not want to break up, maybe she is just being considerate. Who knows. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ap10 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 You mentioned the break up. You ASSUMED she wanted to call to break up maybe she just wanted to share with you how she felt. You could have offered a completely different alternative. YOU spoke as if it was over for you with that 'closure' sentence, you thought by pushing her she would react with a pull, but she didn't, you got caught at your own game. Why she text you? Because she cares, because maybe she did not want to break up, maybe she is just being considerate. Who knows. So what would you do next? Forget it all? I know everything looks negative right now, but do you have advice that could take this into a positive direction? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 What do you want exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ap10 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 What do you want exactly? I want her. When there is a breakup like we had, where there is no actual reason, for me its as if there is someone else invovled. Her reasons Its her, she doesnt know whats going on She really wanted us to work out She feels like shes forcing herself to like me Her heart wants me Her head is telling her to leave Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Then stop playing games, go see her and tell her how you feel and tell her you don't want to lose her then let the cards fall where they may. Do you now understand the importance of not playing games? Do you also understand that if you do not want to break up you don't bring it up as an option, and you don't use the word break-up as a threat when things aren't what you wish. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ap10 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 Then stop playing games, go see her and tell her how you feel and tell her you don't want to lose her then let the cards fall where they may. Do you now understand the importance of not playing games? Do you also understand that if you do not want to break up you don't bring it up as an option, and you don't use the word break-up as a threat when things aren't what you wish. Fair point. I understand. However, do i have to this immidiately? Would it make more sense if i wait a week or two to let emotions calm down so that we get the truth. If i still feel that way in two weeks, which im very sure i will, then i will ask to meet her. If she feels the same way she will agree? Right now things are too fresh? For me no, but maybe for her? What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 You mentioned the break up. You ASSUMED she wanted to call to break up maybe she just wanted to share with you how she felt. You could have offered a completely different alternative. YOU spoke as if it was over for you with that 'closure' sentence, you thought by pushing her she would react with a pull, but she didn't, you got caught at your own game. Why she text you? Because she cares, because maybe she did not want to break up, maybe she is just being considerate. Who knows. OP, you need to learn to stop mind-reading and assuming things. Also, if you want to reconcile go for it now. What the heck is this thing about it being too fresh? The longer you wait the more people move on. -_- Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Fair point. I understand. However, do i have to this immidiately? Would it make more sense if i wait a week or two to let emotions calm down so that we get the truth. If i still feel that way in two weeks, which im very sure i will, then i will ask to meet her. If she feels the same way she will agree? Right now things are too fresh? For me no, but maybe for her? What do you think? You playing games again? Stop looking at relationships like they're football games with strategies and positioning. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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