Had the chat, agreed to be exclusive. How to manage next stage...

[Versacehottie]

So we both went out partying on saturday night into sunday morning. At 5am in the morning I was drunk and called her. No pick up, but no biggy. (found out later she was still out partying with the girls)

 

As discussed with her on the saturday she said she would let me know what time she would be home on sunday from her friends so that I could go to hers for the World Cup party. Around 11am sunday few photos go up of my night and her own night on Facebook. I was busy on sunday, but could still spare a couple hours to go round to hers. I didn't get a call all day!

 

I hadn't contacted her.

 

Monday morning

Starting my new job today. I get a text from her in the morning saying 'good luck today' I reply with 'thanks'. We don't normally text so plain. She then replies back and says 'is everything ok? I didn't hear from you yesterday?' I told her all was fine and that I was out all day and asked how she was. She blanked me. Sounds like she was angry at something. I emailed her few hours later at work and I got a reply saying... 'I was kinda waiting for you to text yesterday. It was my only day to meet you and I can't meet tonight etc'. She then send another email saying 'I respect that I'm not making things easy for you with my busy schedule, but I wanted to see you yesterday. You would have made my happy if you texted. Few emails back and forth and I'm not reacting to It or getting angry, but telling her I genuinely was busy, but the problem is she said she was going to send me a text about the time for sunday. I already know how busy she is so I was being chilled and doing my own thing.

 

Emails continue and then we decide to meet after work to say go for 5 minutes. She's not letting it go about me not messaging her on Sunday. We are both working in the same city so it's convenient to meet (10 mins from each other). I get of the tube/metro and get a message saying 'I'm still shopping and havent found nothing so just head Home x' I call her and tell her I am 30 seconds away. She then says she feels like crap and looks really bad and doesn't feel good. I told her to relax. I told her I hadn't insisted on any meet up so far and now that I am 30 seconds away it to would be silly not to say hi before she goes to Ibiza. After a minute of yes no yes no I said don't worry ill head home.

 

Five minutes later I get a message 'please don't be mad at me ' then another message 'ahhh I feel bad now' 'you little $hit ' and then she calls me. I called her back and said what's up. She said come and see me. I ended up seeing her and I said do you want to get a coffee or something she said ok we ended up sitting for two hours drinking wine. Everything was normal, body language was was normal, our eye contact, touching all that fine. I could clearly see that she was really tired from the weekend and she told me she felt a little ill, not happy with her body and all this Ibiza and then a trip again next week was like too much going on and she needed a rest and it was getting to her. She said she was so angry yesterday because I didn't get in touch. We spoke it out and said it wasn't a big deal. We already said we were exclusive but wanted to be chilled about things. This contradicted it but I didn't really say much.

 

As we were walking to station holding hands (she initiated again tonight) she said she couldn't sleep much last night. Then she said she thought I went out partying met someone and forgot about her as I didn't message. I just shook my head and told her to stop being silly. Kissed her goodnight and arranged to see her on Sunday after Ibiza.

 

So was this the main issue? Was she playing hard to get and then as soon as I'm out for a night and then no text for a day she begins to wonder where I am and why I haven't called.

 

What's your thoughts on this? Why is she acting like this? Is she really trying to play hard to get, but is so bad at it? Or is just the busy schedule taking it's toll? If i go quiet it annoys her, but at the same time i am also being careful not to be over the top (not that this bothers me as i was never over the top throughout seeing her. She was always the one trying to get my attention)

 

Or is she insecure and has trust issues?

 

Hi---so sorry I just saw this! Ok let me see if I could simply see what I think is going on. About the sunday get-together--I think she either forgot to call or she was waiting for you to reach out to her first (even though it was her world cup get together). That's because she's a girl. If i can learn anything about her, through what you have posted here, I think she is more on the feminine spectrum of things. I think even though it's slightly irrational, she wanted you to get in touch with her. I have to admit I have definitely done this! When probably a simple phone call would have made everything normal. I think you both got stubborn and made a bigger deal about who should contact who in this case and then it ended up causing problems. I don't think you had to worry in this case that contacting here would have intruded on giving her space or anything like that. Just be macho about it and text first saying "what time should i come by" or some version of that. Shows confidence and not that either of you is holding back on the other. Technically of course you're right she should have contacted you. But guessing she wants to be the girl--even in this situation! Contacting her first shows that you're excited to see her, prioritized it into your day and are not hesitating about seeing her. Even if she acts confidently, she essentially pursued you for a couple of months so is probably hoping for a bit of a turnaround that reassures her that you are as invested as she is. yes a bit of playing hard to get! but to be fair so were you. neither side wanted to break on sunday. And a minor deal became major and you didn't get to see each other which you both actually wanted. I don't think you need to give her space nor should you allow her to jerk you around on a day when you have firm plans. At this point, either of you should have the confidence to just reach out to finalize the plan. I love it when it's the guy.

 

About the drama surrounding the discussion of it the next day and what's going on with her. Sounds like she may be pulled in a lot of directions right now AND possibly an emotional sort of girl. If I had a dollar for every guy that fell in love with those sorts of girls, I would be set! So far it doesn't sound manipulative, just that she needs reassurance and sorting out her feelings. Honestly, every time you guys have one of these discussions it seems like more clarity comes out of it for both of you so why worry about it.

 

I think she could be a little insecure but it could just be situational. In light of her current situation coupled with the fact that she had to pursue you rather than the other way around--gosh that really takes a toll. I don't know but I think if you are girly (they typically want things more traditional pursuit) and pretty (they typically get pursued) then it doesn't give you the security you are used to or wanting from a guy. Even when you feel that something really special is there with the guy which is why you hang in there, you can want it to switch to him doing much more of the pursuing so you feel his level of interest is the same and that he's as invested as you are. Especially if now you've agreed to exclusivity. And you both sound like social people who go out a lot so she knows you know how to make a PLAN.

 

ps you will both torpedo it if you execute "exclusive but chilled" in the way that allows one another to flake on plans or to not speak up when there's a misunderstanding or something one has done that makes the other upset. Chilled means, to me, quantity of time you see each other and how fast that amount builds over time---not to ignore problems or blow off plans you do have. That goes for both of you. Ok, Good luck!

 

I still have a great feeling about you guys. Even though it may not feel comfortable always, all i see is two people getting closer in the right way. And everyone has minor bumps. The way you are working them out is admirable and i think bauds well for your future.

[ap10]

Hi---so sorry I just saw this! Ok let me see if I could simply see what I think is going on. About the sunday get-together--I think she either forgot to call or she was waiting for you to reach out to her first (even though it was her world cup get together). That's because she's a girl. If i can learn anything about her, through what you have posted here, I think she is more on the feminine spectrum of things. I think even though it's slightly irrational, she wanted you to get in touch with her. I have to admit I have definitely done this! When probably a simple phone call would have made everything normal. I think you both got stubborn and made a bigger deal about who should contact who in this case and then it ended up causing problems. I don't think you had to worry in this case that contacting here would have intruded on giving her space or anything like that. Just be macho about it and text first saying "what time should i come by" or some version of that. Shows confidence and not that either of you is holding back on the other. Technically of course you're right she should have contacted you. But guessing she wants to be the girl--even in this situation! Contacting her first shows that you're excited to see her, prioritized it into your day and are not hesitating about seeing her. Even if she acts confidently, she essentially pursued you for a couple of months so is probably hoping for a bit of a turnaround that reassures her that you are as invested as she is. yes a bit of playing hard to get! but to be fair so were you. neither side wanted to break on sunday. And a minor deal became major and you didn't get to see each other which you both actually wanted. I don't think you need to give her space nor should you allow her to jerk you around on a day when you have firm plans. At this point, either of you should have the confidence to just reach out to finalize the plan. I love it when it's the guy.

 

About the drama surrounding the discussion of it the next day and what's going on with her. Sounds like she may be pulled in a lot of directions right now AND possibly an emotional sort of girl. If I had a dollar for every guy that fell in love with those sorts of girls, I would be set! So far it doesn't sound manipulative, just that she needs reassurance and sorting out her feelings. Honestly, every time you guys have one of these discussions it seems like more clarity comes out of it for both of you so why worry about it.

 

I think she could be a little insecure but it could just be situational. In light of her current situation coupled with the fact that she had to pursue you rather than the other way around--gosh that really takes a toll. I don't know but I think if you are girly (they typically want things more traditional pursuit) and pretty (they typically get pursued) then it doesn't give you the security you are used to or wanting from a guy. Even when you feel that something really special is there with the guy which is why you hang in there, you can want it to switch to him doing much more of the pursuing so you feel his level of interest is the same and that he's as invested as you are. Especially if now you've agreed to exclusivity. And you both sound like social people who go out a lot so she knows you know how to make a PLAN.

 

ps you will both torpedo it if you execute "exclusive but chilled" in the way that allows one another to flake on plans or to not speak up when there's a misunderstanding or something one has done that makes the other upset. Chilled means, to me, quantity of time you see each other and how fast that amount builds over time---not to ignore problems or blow off plans you do have. That goes for both of you. Ok, Good luck!

 

I still have a great feeling about you guys. Even though it may not feel comfortable always, all i see is two people getting closer in the right way. And everyone has minor bumps. The way you are working them out is admirable and i think bauds well for your future.

 

As always thank you for the response. Always detailed and understanding!

 

The insecurity and her wanting me to start initiating has been on my mind since we went exclusive. However you can't help but think her change in being so forward and chasing like she was before ends up feeling as if she's not interested or cold. We know that's not the case!

 

I have no sent the goodnight messages for her to see whilst in bed or in the morning. She has gone to Ibiza and I dropped her a message the day after to see how she was doing and wished her a great time again. Her response 'hello baby. I wish we could come home and I could afford for us to go away straight away together!' Few more images sent throughout the day showing me her tan etc. her messaging is a very good sign especially whilst on a hen do with her friends?

 

Today will be her last full day/night. I have sent her a short message again this morning. Making sure I am giving what she presumably wants.

 

Funny though, last holiday we were both away in separate place. She would initiate and send me messages non stop like checking in on me. This time she initiated once! Not a problem though I guess it's my turn.

 

Supposed to meet on sunday so this time I will call her and make sure things are set!

[Andy_K]

Her response 'hello baby. I wish we could come home and I could afford for us to go away straight away together!'

 

I wanted to highlight this bit, because it is ones of those things I was mentioning that you can use to show her that you're into her and want it to lead somewhere, without coming across as emotional and needy.

 

The more serious a couple is, the further in advance they plan things. A new date might be a week in advance. When you've been together longer you might organise a weekend away a few weeks in advance, and when you're married you plan your entire future together.

 

So you could take her up on this suggestion - you could tell her you think it would be great to go on holiday with her, and start making some sort of plans when you get back. Maybe her saving up or you helping with cost if she's skint. This will tell her she's more than just another girl you're dating, but avoids any of the drama about 'talking about where things are' if you follow.

[ap10]

I wanted to highlight this bit, because it is ones of those things I was mentioning that you can use to show her that you're into her and want it to lead somewhere, without coming across as emotional and needy.

 

The more serious a couple is, the further in advance they plan things. A new date might be a week in advance. When you've been together longer you might organise a weekend away a few weeks in advance, and when you're married you plan your entire future together.

 

So you could take her up on this suggestion - you could tell her you think it would be great to go on holiday with her, and start making some sort of plans when you get back. Maybe her saving up or you helping with cost if she's skint. This will tell her she's more than just another girl you're dating, but avoids any of the drama about 'talking about where things are' if you follow.

 

Yea definitely Andy.

 

On her return i will pursue the plans and make it certain to go away. We have discussed about it several times, almost went away on July 4th but had to cancel due to her house move. We then suggested going away in August. I even brought this up on monday when had the drama of meeting up and she was up for it. So it's still on the cards.

 

So i sent her a message this morning, but looks like her phone is off as the whatsapp message has not been delivered yet. If for whatever reason it is still not delivered by tonight (i.e either she had switched her phone off/lost it etc) would you just leave it and wait for her to come back? Do i show my worries and message one of her friends letting them know i havent been able to get through, without being dramatic of corse.

 

IF it does deliver and appears online but ignores, should i chase? (as Versacehottie said its my turn to do that), of corse without being too needy. Maybe send her a note?

 

She was partying last night so probably didnt get in till early hours and is now on the beach, but like in the previous two days of being away she always connects online. It might just be a day off!

[ap10]

So it was her last day in ibiza yesterday and i was on a STAG the whole day, which she knew. I received a nice text from her saying 'Have a nice day bunny, whats you're plans...have fun!!' i went back very brief as i was busy on the Stag.

 

She arrives into London late last night and text me 'Guess whos just landed ' and i respond with in 1,2 words as i am out and have been for the last 11 hours. She responds again speaking more than me. i then leave it as im out etc.

 

I call her this morning she picks up straight away we have our usual chat and we're laughing and that. She tells me she has a new male house mate moving in today (already known for a while). She said she doesnt know what time hes arriving. Our chat continues, and I tell her i missed her and she said i dont miss you or anyone, i want to go back to ibiza (not in a nasty way, but its obvious she has holiday blues) She started telling me the house was a wreck and that she cant live like this and its annoying her again and the call continued....

 

Last wednesday when she was flying out, she asked me if we wanted to do Dinner on sunday night. I said OK. Now on the call shes like...'i need to find out what time my mate is moving in'. i told her not to stress and we can cancel dinner. She couldnt give me a time. Then i said i could just come round yours. She said ok, but i cant give you a time yet as i dont know when my mate is moving in. She told me she would let me know. Then she started talking about her house being messy, her room in a state and her face being burnt etc etc. Again, are these excuses or insecurities?? Anyway i ended the call telling her to text me later and she said ok and then with a sarcastic voice said 'now bugger off' and i pretty much gave her as good back.

 

So again...little things are annoying me. i am being very cool about things, but at the same time she is so messed up in the head right now that she is gona bring me to a point where im just going to treat her mean and blank her completely. Like what difference does it make if her boy mate is moving in, why couldnt she just say yea come round at like 3 or 4 like who cares. I know shes not normal right now, and its just affecting it all. I can already see a text coming later on the lines of 'babe do you want to not bother coming tonight. lets organise another night'.

 

I totally respect that she has been open about wanting to be exclusive and how she needs times with her friends and that she has all these trips, which come to an end after next weekend, but do you put a guy your seeing, who is supposedly your bf on a back burner??? One minute texting me asking me to dinner on her return from ibiz, then texting me first when she arrives back into London, but then the next minute being all stressed and not knowing whether she will see me. Where has her kindness/sweetness gone?

 

3 weeks of this behaviour now. One minute im bunny, baby, monkey....wanting to always hold my hand when together, getting angry if i dont text for one day and showing me how much she likes when we're together, BUT then the next minute every time we organise to meet up it becomes a mission and she sounds all negative as if she has not time and is down etc??? Regardless of all the stuff going on around her at the moment, its just a bid odd?

 

If she cancels tonight. I could be done with her. Shall i just go silent on her?

Edited July 20, 2014 by ap10

[ap10]

Have summarised a few previous posts into one, so that i can get a summarised opinion from readers. Apologies for the length, but there is alot to the story!

 

Background info:

 

• Late April/May/June
  
• Met her on Tinder almost 4 months ago. Dating for 3 months.
  
• First date kicked off great lasted 7 hours (didnt sleep with her on first night)
  
• Slept with her on 3rd week.
  
• Everything going well for 2 months, acting like BF/GF.
  
• She lives with all female house mates.
  
• She initiates 90% of contact as i had been very laid back as it is early days. She expressed her feelings well early on try to get me to understand that she wasnt one to be played with used for sex etc.
  
• I always kept it cool, treated her well, but never showed i was emotionally committed
  
• 6th week in bought her a gift and she said if i asked her to be my gf she would say yes, i said we dont need to talk about this yet and left it.
  
• We had not deleted Tinder yet, although she asked me to several times. Told her i was not looking for anything but still used it for fun. Told her not to worry. Put to rest, but she said she had a sleepless night about it etc.
  
• At the end of two months we had spent weekends together and saw each other at least 3 times a week.
  
• She has met all my friends and i have met all hers. All her family knows about me.
  
• We have spoked about going away and future as far as August/September
  
• Summary: We know we both like eachother alot, but she is more emotionally connected than i am and has let her guard down knowing she has done the chasing for most part of it.
  

 

Turning point.....

 

Early July

• She had been quite poorly and stressed with work
  
• She was about to move to a bigger house with new house mates, some she has never met, but are mutual friends with her current female house mate.
  
• She had some financial issues also cause stress
  
• She had ibiza holiday planned in 2 weeks time (4 day trip) and also a 4 day festival planned shortly after that. So alot going on.
  

 

First week of July, i spend friday/saturday with her. After going home to go out with mates. i get a call for me to come back to hers and stay the night on saturday, which i did and wake up on sunday morning telling her i have to go football a 12pm. i sleep with her in the morning and leave 15 minutes after. Probably would have been better if i stayed with her for a bit, but couldnt. Didnt speak to her again on that sunday.

 

From the next day, Monday...things changed

 

We were in contact everyday. Our feelings still strong, but you could feel this uneasines at times. Things were not as free and sweet and flirtatious. We were still in contact but didnt meet face to face until the next week. First week apart from eachother. The reason for our meetup was that i told her that we needed talk about us as i thought it would be a good time to have an exclusive chat. I could feel it was time. I could feel the pressure of her personal things were there, her chase for me was at a point where she may have felt burnt out, so it was my turn to do something.

 

Exclusive chat

 

Finally had the exclusive chat with the girl i have been seeing for over 2 months (met on tinder) We are in our twenties, professionals and both very social. For the last 8 weeks we spent alot of time with eachother 2/3 times a week. Slept with eachother and did what most gf/bf do. She had been the one expressing her feelings, whereas i was very reserved and avoided serious chats. However in the last 10 days things had slightly changed. Didn't see her for a whole week until yesterday.

 

Tension had built up over the week due to me saying 'we need to talk about us'. She had been hot and cold with me all week and hold told me she was worried that i was going to ask her to go into a full blown relationship, but but made it clear she was happy with me.

 

THE CHAT

Upon seeing her it was clear that we were both happy to see eachother. The week apart did us well. Everything was normal as always. We sat down for some food and drinks (romantic setting, but chilled). I began to tell her that i was ready to be exclusive and that i wasnt seeing anyone else and had not since we got together. Told her in no way do i want to put pressure on us, but i am enjoying how things are. She was happy about it. Emotions ran high and we began to relax and open up to each other. She told me she was having a tough time in the last 2 weeks, thinking about the new house, new friends, no family and then ME. She wanted to reduce the pressure on her and wanted to focus on building friendships with her new housemates as she has a lack of close mates in London (living away from home). She said she wanted to avoid only have a BF to turn to as it would always make things worse for the relationship (totally respect this). She said she needed to find herself and then give herself to me fully.

 

I always made it clear that i am happy to take things slow, which she knows. Me saying we need a chat, scared her and made her angry. During the chat this was gone as she now heard what i had to say. She said she missed me and eye contact became stronger and stronger showing happiness. We deleted tinder, became friends on facebook and became even closer mentally and physically as the evening went on. We created that spark again. I told her that i don't need to see her all the time, but just know that shes there and both have trust. She agreed and said the same. Having been communicating and seeing each other ALOT in the first 8 weeks, we now saw that this approach of being more chilled would be better for us and relationship.

 

What happened next?

 

That night emotions were high. Excitement was obvious and our normal sweet relationship returned.

 

Monday morning

Starting my new job, I get a text from her in the morning saying 'good luck today' I reply with 'thanks'. We don't normally text so plain. She then replies back and says 'is everything ok? I didn't hear from you yesterday?' I told her all was fine and that I was out all day and asked how she was. She blanked me. Sounds like she was angry at something. I emailed her few hours later at work and I got a reply saying... 'I was kinda waiting for you to text yesterday. It was my only day to meet you and I can't meet tonight etc'. She then send another email saying 'I respect that I'm not making things easy for you with my busy schedule, but I wanted to see you yesterday. You would have made my happy if you texted. Few emails back and forth and I'm not reacting to It or getting angry, but telling her I genuinely was busy, but the problem is she said she was going to send me a text about the time for sunday. I already know how busy she is so I was being chilled and doing my own thing.

 

Emails continue and then we decide to meet after work to say go for 5 minutes. She's not letting it go about me not messaging her on Sunday. We are both working in the same city so it's convenient to meet (10 mins from each other). I get of the tube/metro and get a message saying 'I'm still shopping and havent found nothing so just head Home x' I call her and tell her I am 30 seconds away. She then says she feels like crap and looks really bad and doesn't feel good. I told her to relax. I told her I hadn't insisted on any meet up so far and now that I am 30 seconds away it to would be silly not to say hi before she goes to Ibiza. After a minute of yes no yes no I said don't worry ill head home.

 

Five minutes later I get a message 'please don't be mad at me ' then another message 'ahhh I feel bad now' 'you little $hit ' and then she calls me. I called her back and said what's up. She said come and see me. I ended up seeing her and I said do you want to get a coffee or something she said ok we ended up sitting for two hours drinking wine. Everything was normal, body language was was normal, our eye contact, touching all that fine. I could clearly see that she was really tired from the weekend and she told me she felt a little ill, not happy with her body and all this Ibiza and then a trip again next week was like too much going on and she needed a rest and it was getting to her. She said she was so angry yesterday because I didn't get in touch. We spoke it out and said it wasn't a big deal. We already said we were exclusive but wanted to be chilled about things. This contradicted it but I didn't really say much.

 

As we were walking to station holding hands (she initiated again tonight) she said she couldn't sleep much last night. Then she said she thought I went out partying met someone and forgot about her as I didn't message. I just shook my head and told her to stop being silly. Kissed her goodnight and arranged to see her on Sunday after Ibiza.

 

Whilst in IBIZA

I initiated a text after he first day telling her i hope shes having a great time. She text back telling me how she wished we were together and would love to go on holiday straight away when shes back.

Asked if i wanted to go dinner on sunday whens shes back so we said ok.

Text a couple more times then left it as she was back in 4 days.

 

It was her last day in ibiza yesterday and i was on a STAG the whole day, which she knew. I received a nice text from her saying 'Have a nice day bunny, whats you're plans...have fun!!' i went back very brief as i was busy on the Stag.

 

She arrives into London late last night and text me 'Guess whos just landed ' and i respond with in 1,2 words as i am out and have been for the last 11 hours. She responds again speaking more than me. i then leave it as im out etc.

 

I call her this morning she picks up straight away we have our usual chat and we're laughing and that. She tells me she has a new male house mate moving in today (already known for a while). She said she doesnt know what time hes arriving. Our chat continues, and I tell her i missed her and she said i dont miss you or anyone, i want to go back to ibiza (not in a nasty way, but its obvious she has holiday blues) She started telling me the house was a wreck and that she cant live like this and its annoying her again and the call continued....

 

As i said above, she asked me for to go to dinner on sunday. Now on the call shes like...'i need to find out what time my mate is moving in'. i told her not to stress and we can cancel dinner. She couldnt give me a time. Then i said i could just come round yours. She said ok, but i cant give you a time yet as i dont know when my mate is moving in. She told me she would let me know. Then she started talking about her house being messy, her room in a state and her face being burnt etc etc. Again, are these excuses or insecurities?? Anyway i ended the call telling her to text me later and she said ok and then with a sarcastic voice said 'now bugger off' and i pretty much gave her as good back.

 

Conclusion

I am still very laid back but beginning to get annoyed with all the mixed emotions, but at the same time she is so messed up in the head right now that she is gona bring me to a point where im just going to treat her mean and blank her completely. Like what difference does it make if her boy mate is moving in, why couldnt she just say yea come round at like 3 or 4 like who cares. I know shes not normal right now, and its just affecting it all. I can already see a text coming later on the lines of 'babe do you want to not bother coming tonight. lets organise another night'.

 

I totally respect that she has been open about wanting to be exclusive and how she needs times with her friends and that she has all these trips, which come to an end after next weekend, but do you put a guy your seeing, who is supposedly your bf on a back burner??? One minute texting me asking me to dinner on her return from ibiz, then texting me first when she arrives back into London, but then the next minute being all stressed and not knowing whether she will see me. Where has her kindness/sweetness gone?

 

3 weeks of this behaviour now. One minute im bunny, baby, monkey....wanting to always hold my hand when together, getting angry if i dont text for one day and showing me how much she likes when we're together, BUT then the next minute every time we organise to meet up it becomes a mission and she sounds all negative as if she has no time and is emotionally down etc??? Regardless of all the stuff going on around her at the moment, its just a bid odd?

 

If she cancels tonight. I could be done with her.

 

I have received some good advise to date telling me she is still really into you and that she has alot going on, but with the whole story summarised now i feel i need more opinions on this?

 

What is this girl doing?!?!

We know shes insecure at the moment

We know shes got alot on her mind

We know that she clearly doesnt want to lose me. As soon as i pull away shes pulls me in. She always remembers to send a note like when i started my job and when i was going on a stag. She always picks up phone, never blanks messages. When together she still wants to hold my hand, looks strongly into my eyes and so on.

Ive seen her 3 times in 3 weeks now and havent slept with her. Last time was when i slept with her and left the house in 10 minutes.

Is this really her way of playing hard to get and seeing if im going to stick around knowing she gave everything away in the first 2 months?

 

If she cancels tonight do i just go silent? I'm starting to get bored. How long more can i go with this? She is away again this up coming week and then her holidays come to a stop. Do i leave it and keep cool till after and see how she is then once all the mayhem is over???

[Gaeta]

What is this girl doing?!?!

She is doing her very best under the circumstances.

 

We know that she clearly doesnt want to lose me.

but YOU are ready to dump her aren't you.

 

She always remembers to send a note like when i started my job and when i was going on a stag. She always picks up phone, never blanks messages. When together she still wants to hold my hand, looks strongly into my eyes and so on.

I know, she sounds like a real sweet girl, and through your whole thread all I read was how much YOU didn't put 50% of her efforts into this relationship. You play laid back, you let her initiate 90% of contact, you skip contacting her, leave her 1o mins after sleeping with her, etc.

 

If she cancels tonight do i just go silent?

Why? Why would you go silent on this woman? How is that going to accomplish anything? You go silent with someone you broke up with, not someone you're in a relationship with.

 

I'm starting to get bored. How long more can i go with this? She is away again this up coming week and then her holidays come to a stop. Do i leave it and keep cool till after and see how she is then once all the mayhem is over???

 

Enough with 'keeping it cool', she wants to be in a relationship, about you? Being in a relationship means you use patience and understanding. She is busy with different things, on top of having this holiday. Things will get back to normal after her holiday. If not then have a conversation with her.

[ap10]

She is doing her very best under the circumstances.

 

but YOU are ready to dump her aren't you.

 

I know, she sounds like a real sweet girl, and through your whole thread all I read was how much YOU didn't put 50% of her efforts into this relationship. You play laid back, you let her initiate 90% of contact, you skip contacting her, leave her 1o mins after sleeping with her, etc.

 

Why? Why would you go silent on this woman? How is that going to accomplish anything? You go silent with someone you broke up with, not someone you're in a relationship with.

 

 

 

Enough with 'keeping it cool', she wants to be in a relationship, about you? Being in a relationship means you use patience and understanding. She is busy with different things, on top of having this holiday. Things will get back to normal after her holiday. If not then have a conversation with her.

 

 

Thanks Gaeta. I know you've followed the story.

 

I would love to stop keeping it cool and thought i could stopped this after the exclusive chat. So what do i do? ive already been initiating more look like the one that wants it more right this moment due to her issues.

 

For example its been 4 hours since our calls, i expect she should let me know in the next hour or so to pop round or else it will be late. if its anything like last week she is going to wait for me to reachout even thought she said she would text and if i dont she gets grumpy?!?

 

You are fully confident she wants a relationship and is having all these personal issues and thinks everything is fine from my end as i will just wait around? Wouldnt you expect her to think....i have seen him for a week, i should really see him?

 

Like for example. If she texts saying lets cancel tonight. Do i say 'ok thats cool have a good evening' - and then let the new week begin? Do i then send her a message in the morning saying 'have a great week'...my guy says this is too much from my side based on the way she is acting.

 

If she doesnt text in an hour...do i send her a text saying 'whats the deal then babe?' and then she cancels without suggesting another date. What do i do then to keep things moving smoothly?

 

I may have played hard to get for 2 months whilst she was sending me messages non stop morning and night and wanting to see me all the time....but i didnt avoid her or didnt not contact her...i just simply avoided having to express my feelings and left her thinking/questions, basically made her even more crazy about me. If shes playing hard to get like this and only seeing me 3 times in 3 weeks then i think shes playing it wrong. no??

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like she got busy and you don't like that she can't give you as much attention as she did in the beginning.

 

You are in the place of insecurity right now, not her.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong here. she just has a lot going on.

[ap10]

Sounds like she got busy and you don't like that she can't give you as much attention as she did in the beginning.

 

You are in the place of insecurity right now, not her.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong here. she just has a lot going on.

 

Thanks for replying Gemma.

 

Could you add to your feedback on how you would expect a man to act in this situation. Would you still expect him to contact you everyday? Would you get grumpy if he doesnt? Would you be ok if he went quiet?

 

I can quite happily sit back and relax until she gets through this busy period, but if i do that it becomes and issue, if i dont do it becomes an issue because i will end showing her too much attention?

[MidwestUSA]

"So it was her last day in ibiza yesterday and i was on a STAG the whole day, which she knew. I received a nice text from her saying 'Have a nice day bunny, whats you're plans...have fun!!' i went back very brief as i was busy on the Stag.

 

She arrives into London late last night and text me 'Guess whos just landed ' and i respond with in 1,2 words as i am out and have been for the last 11 hours. She responds again speaking more than me. i then leave it as im out etc."

 

 

 

 

 

She got home, and you gave her a short and curt welcome. How long does it take to text a few words 'welcome back, I missed you, how was the trip?'. I would expect more than one or two words if I'd just landed and texted my bf.

 

 

She speaks more than you, and you 'leave it'. What is it with the games of going silent and not expressing your enthusiasm, if there is any? Or do you believe that 'playing it cool' is going to hook her into chasing you? Maybe you're just too busy for each other, or your schedules simply conflict too much to make this work.

 

 

Bottom line, the game playing has to stop. Playing it cool, going silent, playing hard to get. Sheesh.

[ap10]

"So it was her last day in ibiza yesterday and i was on a STAG the whole day, which she knew. I received a nice text from her saying 'Have a nice day bunny, whats you're plans...have fun!!' i went back very brief as i was busy on the Stag.

 

She arrives into London late last night and text me 'Guess whos just landed ' and i respond with in 1,2 words as i am out and have been for the last 11 hours. She responds again speaking more than me. i then leave it as im out etc."

 

 

 

 

 

She got home, and you gave her a short and curt welcome. How long does it take to text a few words 'welcome back, I missed you, how was the trip?'. I would expect more than one or two words if I'd just landed and texted my bf.

 

 

She speaks more than you, and you 'leave it'. What is it with the games of going silent and not expressing your enthusiasm, if there is any? Or do you believe that 'playing it cool' is going to hook her into chasing you? Maybe you're just too busy for each other, or your schedules simply conflict too much to make this work.

 

 

Bottom line, the game playing has to stop. Playing it cool, going silent, playing hard to get. Sheesh.

 

 

But i was drunk and out. I called her in the morning and told her i missed her and i got 'well i didnt miss you and dont miss anyone right now'. In a sarcastic voice.

 

I have been the one pursuing to meet and see her in the last few weeks knowing im not going to see her much.

 

Thanks for reply, but not sure if i was really wrong in this situation.

 

What should i do for tonight. She was supposed to contact and still hasnt. Do i follow up?

[Andy_K]

For example its been 4 hours since our calls, i expect she should let me know in the next hour or so to pop round or else it will be late. if its anything like last week she is going to wait for me to reachout even thought she said she would text and if i dont she gets grumpy?!?

 

There's not a lot you can do to stop her acting the way she is at the moment, but you can certainly avoid any blame - If you text to ask if things are still on in the above scenario, she either sees you, ignores you, or makes an excuse. If you don't, she deflects the blame to you and you get nowhere closer to either figuring out if something is wrong, or spending more time with her.

 

It sounds like you're getting pretty fed up of how things are going, but you need to be blameless rather than match her actions, so that if you do need to confront her about this in a week or two, she has to accept responsibility.

 

She may just be a person who doesn't handle stress or being busy well, or there maybe more to it. No way for us to know just yet.

[MidwestUSA]

But i was drunk and out. I called her in the morning and told her i missed her and i got 'well i didnt miss you and dont miss anyone right now'. In a sarcastic voice.

 

I have been the one pursuing to meet and see her in the last few weeks knowing im not going to see her much.

 

Thanks for reply, but not sure if i was really wrong in this situation.

 

What should i do for tonight. She was supposed to contact and still hasnt. Do i follow up?

Well I think the sarcastic reply was in response to your welcome home enthusiasm, or lack of. Only you can determine if it was wrong, based on her reaction.

 

 

As for tonight, you have a few other people here who see the bigger picture. I'll leave it to them. Cheers!

[ap10]

There's not a lot you can do to stop her acting the way she is at the moment, but you can certainly avoid any blame - If you text to ask if things are still on in the above scenario, she either sees you, ignores you, or makes an excuse. If you don't, she deflects the blame to you and you get nowhere closer to either figuring out if something is wrong, or spending more time with her.

 

It sounds like you're getting pretty fed up of how things are going, but you need to be blameless rather than match her actions, so that if you do need to confront her about this in a week or two, she has to accept responsibility.

 

She may just be a person who doesn't handle stress or being busy well, or there maybe more to it. No way for us to know just yet.

 

Thanks Andy. I have made other plans now, but will drop her line asking if she wants me to pop over late still. Up to her.

 

How should i act going forward in the next week? Do i not contact or just send her a message in the morning/night. Nothing that requires our full on convo or do i stay silent? i dont think anyone one here has agreed with silence

[Eivuwan]

You need to stop obsessing, stop analyzing, and stop playing games. Just communicate with her directly and openly when you have concerns. All you are doing here is trying to read her mind and then respond in a passive aggressive manner from whatever conclusion you come up with. You may want to look up avoidant attachment style because that seems to fit you well.

[ap10]

You need to stop obsessing, stop analyzing, and stop playing games. Just communicate with her directly and openly when you have concerns. All you are doing here is trying to read her mind and then respond in a passive aggressive manner from whatever conclusion you come up with. You may want to look up avoidant attachment style because that seems to fit you well.

 

Thanks for sharing opinion, but i think you got the wrong end of the stick. Loveshack is designed for us to share information of this manner where we are facing issues with relationships. First time in my life i have done this.

 

As for your reference to 'avoidant attachment style'. i would prefer to stay away from this as this is the total opposite. i have already had conversations with her where i have explained to her and expressed a concern, but without adding to much pressure as it is still early days. I just need to manager for a couple more weeks and explain to her in more detail if things are still the same

[Eivuwan]

Thanks for sharing opinion, but i think you got the wrong end of the stick. Loveshack is designed for us to share information of this manner where we are facing issues with relationships. First time in my life i have done this.

 

As for your reference to 'avoidant attachment style'. i would prefer to stay away from this as this is the total opposite. i have already had conversations with her where i have explained to her and expressed a concern, but without adding to much pressure as it is still early days. I just need to manager for a couple more weeks and explain to her in more detail if things are still the same

 

You wanted to be mean and blank out and go silent from whatever it was that you're assuming about her behavior. It is important that you are aware of your own tendencies and anxieties in a relationship. She on the other hand, also seems anxious and passive aggressive from the way she told you she didn't miss anyone. The pattern of interactions from what you have described since the beginning of the relationship sounds just like the anxious avoidant trap in which the anxious party pursues and becomes easily insecure, while the avoidant party goes silent or whatever.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to stop obsessing, stop analyzing, and stop playing games. Just communicate with her directly and openly when you have concerns. All you are doing here is trying to read her mind and then respond in a passive aggressive manner from whatever conclusion you come up with. You may want to look up avoidant attachment style because that seems to fit you well.

 

This. 100%. OP, read this carefully. Then read it again. Enough with the games. You don't just be "mean" and "go silent" on her. Talk to her, for heaven's sake. You've seen what happens when you play it cool; she responded in kind. Enough of that.

[ap10]

There's not a lot you can do to stop her acting the way she is at the moment, but you can certainly avoid any blame - If you text to ask if things are still on in the above scenario, she either sees you, ignores you, or makes an excuse. If you don't, she deflects the blame to you and you get nowhere closer to either figuring out if something is wrong, or spending more time with her.

 

It sounds like you're getting pretty fed up of how things are going, but you need to be blameless rather than match her actions, so that if you do need to confront her about this in a week or two, she has to accept responsibility.

 

She may just be a person who doesn't handle stress or being busy well, or there maybe more to it. No way for us to know just yet.

 

So I didn't hear from her.

 

I texted her saying 'hey. Handnt heard from you so made plans to meet mates in town shortly. How is everything?'

 

She came back within ten minutes

 

Hey moo. I feel asleep. Much needed. I am so knackered and My housemate (who is closes mate) missed me a lot and I think we are going to go out for dinner so yea go with the boys.

 

I replied back saying 'ok beautiful. Enjoy yourselves. Speak to you later'.

 

End of convo. Can someone please explain how this is not even slightly selfish from her? Those of you have been saying don't blank or go quiet....do you recommend I ignore anything like this and still message her goodnight/good morning etc???

[Eivuwan]

I honestly don't understand what your concerns are. She seems tired and want to hang out with friends who just moved in. What's the problem?

Edited July 20, 2014 by Eivuwan

[ap10]

I honestly don't understand what your concerns are. She seems tired and want to hang out with friends who just moved in. What's the problem?

 

I don't have a problem with the reason. It's the recurring actions recently limiting our time together. How would you act in this situation right now and how would you follow up based on how needy she was for two months and how she is now?

[Eivuwan]

I don't have a problem with the reason. It's the recurring actions recently limiting our time together. How would you act in this situation right now and how would you follow up based on how needy she was for two months and how she is now?

 

I would just talk to her about the new patterns I've been noticing lately the next time I see her and ask her what is happening.

[ap10]

I was going to start a new thread on the manner of the break up, but thought it would be good post here seeing as the whole story and lead up is present.

 

She messages me at midnight last nigh as she is in bed. Starts off..Hey sweety, how are you? Are you awake?...i respond and we talk about our evening. after 5 minutes of messaging she writes:

 

Her: I need to speak to you but dont know when i will see you next

Me: Call me now if you like we can do a five minute closure (i worded this way because i new what was coming)

 

She called.

 

In a sad, baby voice and deep breaths...she says hello baby, are you ok?

Me: yea good babe, you ok? So whats up?

Her: i dont know, its just me, i dont know whats going on

Me: Do you want to end it between us? I guess thats what you want to talk abou

Her: im sorry, i dont want to do this, but i know i have to

Me: what do you mean? i can be honest with you and say that i was going to question you next week after your holiday and let you know that i have not been having the same fun since we went 'exclusive' i feel things have gone down hill

Her: i know, i feel so bad that im doing this, because i dont know why.

Me: If we are emotionally connected and cant be honest with eachother we wont work

Her: MY HEART IS SAYING NOT TO LET YOU GO, BUT MY MIND IS SAYING I SHOULD. i liked you so much, but 3 weeks ago when i moved into the new house things changed, i just didnt feel the same, but i dont know what is is.

Me: If there is anything specific you can tell me. i kno i was a bit crap with my feelings for first two months, but knew i had to do something 3 weeks ago when i saw you were down about somethin and decided to give you the exclusive chat. BUT why did you agree to go exclusive?

Her: I really wanted it to work with you and still feel like that when i see you. My hearts wants you, but my mind is saying i shouldnt.

 

After this i told her i wish i could help. Told her i like her and wanted to take small steps after exclusive chat, but felt things werent good. I even reminded her that when we met last week i told she was confused (she denied and said its because she has so much on her mind) and then i also reminded her that i told her i could walk away (which again she nodded her head and said why would you do that, you dont need too)

 

We touched on the fact that we are not seeing anyone else again, because i made it clear she could be honest as it would be good reason. She said no and then said 'i hope you were not seeing anyone??' i said no as i already told her this.

 

Told her it is what is and that i have enjoyed my time and that it was great to meet her. Told her that i wish her all the best and to take care.

 

last words on the call from her were saying sorry and saying that her heart is beating so fast. We say goodbye two times and put the phone down.

 

I dont know what to think? All i know is that women are great at these things and making it all sound sweet. However why would this girl still do the things she did in the last week if she had this in her mind 3 weeks ago. Why would she want to hold my hand and hold so tight, why would she think i hooked up with someone else after i didnt contact her for one day. Why would she message me from ibiza telling me she wished we could go away together when she returns. Why would she message me first on her arrival back into the country knowing im on a STAG.

 

My decision righ now is that i will no longer contact her. I did not offer to be friends either (i have done this before and it works fine as i can overcome it and life is too short). However i really liked this girl and was hoping for more.

 

So sad for it to end like this. Everthing was so sweet until 3 weeks ago. Such a shame.

 

What do think happened here? Is she being honest? Is she lying? What should i do?

[Gaeta]

Of course she is being honest, why do you have to assume she's lying? See how an honest conversation solved the matter? OP you are all about playing games and it needs to stop if you want a lasting relationship. You played hard to get and when the table turned around you were ready to play the silent treatment on her.

 

Listen, you played hard to get for 2 months, gave her exclusivity, then got caught at your own game. She turned around and became the one hard to get. After these couple of months of hard to get on your part she never got to see the real you, She was constantly on chase mode finally when she got you she realized she didn't really want you.

 

Hope you will leave these games aside next time.

 

I am sorry for your disappointment.