My Boyfriend Has a Disability

[Leigh 87]

This thread is so weird. She makes a thread expressing all the negative sides of her staying with her bf, then when people tell her that the right thing to do is break up with him and find someone who she is more compatible with in general she starts defending him and her relationship as if we (the strangers) are the ones who will decide whether she'll break up with him or not. Plus, we are the awful people for agreeing with what she said herself in the first place.

 

 

 

 

I love him enough to sacrifice my dreams. Some of them. ..

 

 

I have decided having kids on low incomes is the only thing that'd truly make me unhappy.

 

 

I would rather have a dedicated partner who adores me and who I am totally in love with than material things. I have decided that since thinking things through.

 

 

I won't however, willingly have children with this ma if we are on low incomes. That is the only line I will draw. He knows this is a deal breaker.

[Leigh 87]

Sorry my smart phone doesn't work properly.

[Ruby Slippers]

This thread is so weird. She makes a thread expressing all the negative sides of her staying with her bf, then when people tell her that the right thing to do is break up with him and find someone who she is more compatible with in general she starts defending him and her relationship as if we (the strangers) are the ones who will decide whether she'll break up with him or not. Plus, we are the awful people for agreeing with what she said herself in the first place.

That's a common pattern. The poster presents a problem, other posters agree it's a problem, then the OP defends the situation - because hey, real change is hard.

 

Leigh, I agree that you're probably not compatible for long term. But of course it will be up to you to determine that.

[Leigh 87]

That's a common pattern. The poster presents a problem, other posters agree it's a problem, then the OP defends the situation - because hey, real change is hard.

 

Leigh, I agree that you're probably not compatible for long term. But of course it will be up to you to determine that.

 

 

 

I think we love each other enough to be very happy.

 

i want to at least try. If we are broke and low income and he wants kids that is the one thing i won't ever afree to do as i have too much in life i want to do. I don't want a child at all costs.

 

He knows what my one deal breaker is. Short of that, I feel we have a big enough type of love to get us through.

 

It is hard to find a person that's crazy about you who you are also crazy about.

 

I wanted to look at things from a practical standpoint and it scared me. Hence the thread.

 

I am it a other poster who ... yeah. I cannot I good conscience drop him because I love him too much and I still have too much hope for us.

 

It wouldn't feel right leaving him at this early stage.

 

I just needed to vent and voice my deep concerns. I have thought about things though and I am really hoping things work out because he is so devoted and everyone around me tells me such. They comment how devoted he is to me without me even saying anything about him.

 

I am just as crazy for him and that is rare to find. I don't want to screw it up just yet.

[Speakingofwhich]

I have a high level of respect for him.

 

I simply don't want children if we are both on low incomes. Plain and simple.

 

Many very decent people feel the same; many people on here don't want to raise poor children.

 

OK, good then, that you have a high level of respect for him. I misunderstood that part. Didn't mean to imply you weren't decent for wanting more money to raise children. Just that in the areas of finances and children you seem incompatible. Also, though, that's me thinking you're not keen on having kids but you may want children. Possibly your only reason not to want children with him would be financial?

[Leigh 87]

Apologies my smart phone really won't work. So annoying.

[Iguanna]

Leigh why do you repeat one thing so many times? Why do you feel the need to convince us on a matter YOU started and we just agreed? If we tell you that we agree with you now and you should stay with him, will it make you happy?

[Shepp]

I have decided having kids on low incomes is the only thing that'd truly make me unhappy.

 

but what if your on good incomes whe you have them and then suddenly your not - you both lose your jobs, have to take minimum wage jobs....would you still be ok, or would that make you unhappy?

[Leigh 87]

OK, good then, that you have a high level of respect for him. I misunderstood that part. Didn't mean to imply you weren't decent for wanting more money to raise children. Just that in the areas of finances and children you seem incompatible. Also, though, that's me thinking you're not keen on having kids but you may want children. Possibly your only reason not to want children with him would be financial?

 

 

 

 

Yes.

 

Once i get my degree and feel secure I can see myself loving a child.

 

I am 27. I have until mid 30s to get my degree and secure a medium wage. If not he's agreed to not have kids.

[Leigh 87]

but what if your on good incomes whe you have them and then suddenly your not - you both lose your jobs, have to take minimum wage jobs....would you still be ok, or would that make you unhappy?

 

I would love my children and family too much to curse having them.

 

It just isn't the life I had hoped for. I would prefer for my degree to yield an average paying job.

 

I would be devastated if I was never able to leave the country again. I love travel.

[Imajerk17]

In fairness to Leigh, it does seem that posters are being rather harsh on her.

 

Leigh is in love with her boyfriend. She also has dreams for her

ONE life to live that just are what they are. The problem is that her dreams are incompatible with who her boyfriend is. And she feels torn and guilty about this.

 

Seems that other posters are jumping down her throat here saying that Leigh is such an awful and shallow person for having these doubts, and that don't you know that love conquers all, and if that isn't how you truly feel then you should let your boyfriend go to find someone who gets this.

 

I dunno that seems harsh. I think there are a lot of "deep" people who dealt with feeling torn like this too. And I don't think "choosing love" is always the best solution, sorry.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh why do you repeat one thing so many times? Why do you feel the need to convince us on a matter YOU started and we just agreed? If we tell you that we agree with you now and you should stay with him, will it make you happy?

 

 

 

 

I simply told u how i felt.

 

I corrected you false observation that I wasn't crazy about my bf.

 

I know how I feel and I'll correct people whe they tell I am with my bf out of pity. Since it is not how I actually feel.

[Leigh 87]

In fairness to Leigh, it does seem that posters are being rather harsh on her.

 

Leigh is in love with her boyfriend. She also has dreams for her

ONE life to live that just are what they are. The problem is that her dreams are incompatible with who her boyfriend is. And she feels torn and guilty about this.

 

Seems that other posters are jumping down her throat here saying that Leigh is such an awful and shallow person for having these doubts, and that don't you know that love conquers all, and if that isn't how you truly feel then you should let your boyfriend go to find someone who gets this.

 

I dunno that seems harsh. I think there are a lot of "deep" people who dealt with feeling torn like this too. And I don't think "choosing love" is always the best solution, sorry.

 

True love doesn't conquer all. Thank you.

 

I have dated a lot and I know a true love story when I see one.

 

I just love overseas travel. I love not living in a dump in the bad part of town. I love being able to not stress over where my next meal is coming from.

 

Low income life with children is my worst nightmare. Once i am stuck in that position I'd Em race it sure. I am very loving and I'd love my children.

 

I just don't want to put myself in the position where I don't have the career leverage to make it likely that I'll keep a medium income job. I'll have my degree at 31.... There is a good chance I could be low income.

 

He knows this on the other hand, and he has chosen to stay with me knowing full well that I will NOT have kids on a low household income.

[Leigh 87]

I am still not sure what I'll do.

 

 

 

I want to give i some ttime before I let a totally wonderful, devoted man go.....

[Strength in Healing]

I am heavily confused on the point of this topic as of this stage.

[soccerrprp]

Leigh_87,

 

You need to get out of this relationship. You are hurting yourself and your bf that you say you love. LOVE DOESN'T CONQUER ALL. His disability bothers you to no end. He can't help that, but you don't have to stay with him.

[snowflakes88]

How come all your posts involve talking about your "straight teeth, nice eyes, hourglass figure, and full lips" involved? Why not put it in your sig so you don't have to write it out?

 

Seriously. Over and over and over and over and over again.

[StanMusial]

Pictured: Bomb disposal expert who lost his arms and legs in IED blast documents his recovery online - and sets off MASSIVE fundraiser | Mail Online

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.

[Keenly]

Yes.

 

Once i get my degree and feel secure I can see myself loving a child.

 

I am 27. I have until mid 30s to get my degree and secure a medium wage. If not he's agreed to not have kids.

 

That last part sounds pretty unfair to him.

[FitChick]

Didn't read the whole thread. My friend's grown son has this problem due to an accident when he was a child. When you meet him he seems normal. However, he is in his thirties and lives at home. He does have a girlfriend who works but his mother supports him. He doesn't qualify for state aid any more. His mother is basically resigned to remaining single since no man wants to move in with or marry a woman whose grown son lives at home.

 

If you knew this about him in the early stages of dating, you should have done something then. It will be difficult dumping him now. You are not legally responsible for him as you would be if you were married. I'd worry about having kids because he could leave them somewhere and forget about where, leave the gas on and blow up the house, leave his debit card somewhere for someone to steal it, if the kids were sick, he might double dose their meds or forget entirely, etc.

 

No one should "pity date."

[Radu]

Not at all.

 

I don't even view myself as lowly. I'm studying full time a d working weekends. I've traveled the world and lived overseas and I don't believe I am less of a person because I am trying my best to achieve the professional career of my choosing.

 

I don't want to trade up to something better.

 

I simply don't want kids if we are both low income earner.

 

No, the initial argument, your initial problem was the fact that he will be forever stuck at this level while you are going places ... which will allow you to travel, see the world, get botox.

Soon after it, children came into discussion.

 

You even said it [albeit not in such clear words] that you do not want to be a carer, you want to see the world, and you envy others.

All of this happened [including the slow falling out of love with him], as soon as you realized that this role will be your future, that you will forever be a carer.

 

A part of you is ashamed and feels that you 'should' still stay with him because guys like him are hard to come by.

 

My personal opinion [and there are no imputations in this one], is that you should end this relationship.

[Gaeta]

Seriously ask yourself if your boyfriend can be entrusted with children?

 

If in a few minutes he forgets where a room is does that mean he can forget he just put his 2 y/o in the tub? Can he forget he already warmed the bottle then accidentally burn his baby?

 

You may end up raising these kids basically on your own because you cannot fully trust him with your babies. Not because he's a bad guy, but because of his limitation.

 

Think about it.

[TheGuard13]

I don't understand how, in 12 pages, no one has brought up the fact that while it's all well and good to "plan" having children, children often just happen, sometimes regardless whether you "agree to have them" or not.

 

 

Leigh, you want what you want in terms of lifestyle, whether people here or elsewhere will like and respect that or not. But being happy is important, because if you aren't, its unlikely that you'll be able to make anyone you love happy as a result.

 

 

I think it's good that you're thinking about this stuff. It's a valid issue to have, and is going to affect your life. I don't, however, think it's something you can or should make a decision about in the span of a day or two. You need to really take more time, figure out not just how you feel, but all the possibilities and considerations, and then make a decision. Which you'll be doing anyway, since that's how relationships work.

 

 

That's part of dating and being in love.

[brakco]

I haven't read through all of these pages yet so I'm just going to respond to the OP's original post as best I can.

 

First of all, in my humble opinion, you are not "in love" with this man, Leigh. You are infatuated with the fact that he is smitten with you. I feel like this is an ego stroke for you and I'm only saying this because I have been there. I've suffered from low self esteem for most of my life and I used to latch on to men who would give me the time of day while also keeping my eyes open to other possibilities when questions such as the ones you're asking have arisen. I was around your age or younger and I was very naive.

 

I was also very materialistic. I made very good money for awhile and I wanted to travel, meet people, be beautiful, etc. etc. and for some time, I did.

 

Now, this next part doesn't directly relate to your situation but I'm going to mention it because it was a huge wake up call for me and also because, **** it, sometimes bad things happen.

 

My life went to ****. I don't need to detail how and why but let's just say I ended up homeless and without a dime to my name for quite some time. My priorities changed. It took me years of self examination and being single to figure out what I truly wanted. It wasn't until I was back on my feet and doing bottom of the barrel work before I found out what "love" and "happiness" truly means. I have dated winners, losers, models, celebrities, and none of it mattered in the end. The looks, the money - it's not what it's cracked up to be. I had to better myself and figure out WHO I WAS and what I REALLY wanted before I met the man I'm with now. And here's the thing. He's not perfect but he is to ME. He supports me, he loves me, he asks for so little and every action he does says so much. Also, he is not my entire world which the younger me would look for in every person I dated. He makes my world brighter and all around lovelier. I say all this because, if, GOD FORBID, he was in some horrible accident tomorrow and lost his mind, his limbs, ANYTHING AT ALL, I. WOULD. BE. THERE. FOR. HIM. There isn't a question in my mind about it. I love this man with every fiber of my being and not because he's "the best" or because he makes a lot of money or because he's "smitten" with me. I love him. It's very pure and simple and because I've experienced it first hand, I can tell by your post that you are not "in love" with your guy. This doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you "not ready".

 

Secondly, (or thirdly, please excuse my messy explanations. I'm not used to posting or writing this much on a forum) you HAVE GOT TO STOP PUTTING SO MUCH EMPHASIS ON HOW YOU LOOK AND HOW FULL YOUR LIPS ARE OR HOW STRAIGHT YOUR TEETH ARE.

 

I was a model for quite some time. I made money from my looks. I dated certain high profile people because of my looks. Well, guess what? LOOKS FADE. I'm now 33 and I have some crows feet. I have smile lines that weren't there even just a few years ago. I will never have the same body I had in my 20's. I'm also not putting money aside for Botox because, really, what's the ****ing point? Aging is beautiful. The people I keep close to me don't care about what I look like. They care about who I AM.

 

To sum this up, because I know I'm rambling now, you should not be with this man. Your priorities are not "messed up" necessarily. I don't disagree that you should put the things that are important to you first before settling down with anyone. But I also think it's pretty obvious that you should leave your boyfriend and work on just being SINGLE for awhile and doing your thing by yourself. Maybe, after you've figured out how that goes, then you can make a wise decision and find the person that is meant for you and visa versa. Right now you are planning a future that's so, so detailed, planned, laid out, etc. I've done that too. It doesn't always end up the way we want it to. So, let this guy go and please just do your thing without stringing someone else along while you make up your mind. I hurt a lot of people back in the day doing just that and in the end, it's not worth it.

 

Best of luck to you.

Edited April 17, 2014 by brakco

[Chubbi]

Leah,

 

DO NOT EVER SETTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I always am inspired by people with dreams. I wanted to travel so I did on my school's dime and now on the government's dime. I wanted a high degree so I worked my way forward. You got dreams girl. That's good.

 

You have to be PC. It's not PC to say you want to date a middle-class or rich man because poor men need love to and especially from hard-working sucessful women.

 

Just weed them out better next time. There are upcoming men in Australia; go for them.