My Boyfriend Has a Disability

[Iguanna]

I don't want kids enough to live poorly for them.

 

 

Sorry. :sick::sick:

[Leigh 87]

U know your RS could be in trouble before it even gets to having children..

 

My ex had short term memory problems too from a severe illness as a child... this caused tremendous problems as he would forget things I had told him, arrangements we had made, he would forget what had caused an argument and it would all kick off again, he would change the order in which things happened which would cause arguments, he would forget deadlines on bill payments, just a simple phone call to the bank would get forgotten about... I loved him very much but it was extremely frustrating... I think before u think about anything else u need to think wether u can actually live with his disability x

 

 

 

 

Oh he is super organised. He has constant reminders in his up to date state of the art smart phone.

 

His mum is a doctor and makes sure he has the best phones to organise his life with.

 

He is more organised and on time with things than normal people without his disability due to him having very good reminders and alarms, on the best cell phones.

 

I don't mind that he forgets things. It just makes me love him more. It makes him different. I respect him more for having to deal with it.

 

On a day to day basis it isn't a deterrent.. Like, it doesn't annoy me at all.

[Leigh 87]

Sorry. :sick::sick:

 

 

 

most people don't see anything wrong with not wanting to have kids if they are poor.

 

 

I know your view on children and I don't share it.

 

 

I am very altruistic and regularly give money to charities when I am a mere student myself, and I am doing a social work degree.

 

I have chosen to dedicate my life and career towards helping the disadvantaged when I had the grades to get into law school.

 

You really have no idea about children and the lengths MOST adults are willing to go, in order to have them.

 

I would never start a family poor.

 

I would, however, take it in my stride if I had children and I became poor. I wouldn't regret having them for a millisecond.

 

I am a lot more generous and giving them most people so yeah, don't put that guilt trip on me, there is more to life than procreating if you are poor...

[Leigh 87]

Yes he does. Plain and simple. He is not who you want to have next to you, you are not who he expected you to be. Do the honorable thing and walk away. Now.

 

 

 

He knows I don't want to raise poor children.

 

I come from parents who took me around the world, afforded me braces and earned enough money to send me to the best schools.

 

Of course it is natural for me to not want kids if I am on a low income, and my partner is too.

 

My partner knows who I am. He knows I have slept with 20 guys in my 27 years. He knows I am at college, getting a degree at a later age than most.

 

He doesn't see anything wrong with not wanting kids if we are on low incomes.

 

He knows how I feel about his disability. I have had a hard time dealing with it. You try dating a man with a disability and walk a mile in my shoes and then report to me how you feel about it.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I thought it was sweet at first... I also respected him as he never asked for that to happen to him and I really wanted to support him but it does take its toll on the RS.. for both parties.

 

How will he remember how long ago he fed the baby or when the baby last had medication... when u have a row and talk about it afterwards can u cope with him changing the order of events as he genuinely cant recall?

 

Who will be responsible for getting his new phones... wont be mums job it will become yours... are u certain of how much his mum helps him to stay organised.. how much does she help him, is this something u would be able to take on if u are in a demanding, professional career?

 

Honestly u really need to give this some serious thought... I think u may be jumping ahead a bit too much when there are more immediate things u should be weighing up x

[Leigh 87]

I thought it was sweet at first... I also respected him as he never asked for that to happen to him and I really wanted to support him but it does take its toll on the RS.. for both parties.

 

How will he remember how long ago he fed the baby or when the baby last had medication... when u have a row and talk about it afterwards can u cope with him changing the order of events as he genuinely cant recall?

 

Who will be responsible for getting his new phones... wont be mums job it will become yours... are u certain of how much his mum helps him to stay organised.. how much does she help him, is this something u would be able to take on if u are in a demanding, professional career?

 

Honestly u really need to give this some serious thought... I think u may be jumping ahead a bit too much when there are more immediate things u should be weighing up x

 

 

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to give me your feedback.... It has helped me.

 

He isn't THAT bad. He does take the extra measures without prompting. His mum being a doctor and affording him good phones is just a bonus.

 

He would remember things like feeding the baby, he isn't that forgetful, he plans for things pretty meticulously.

 

You are right it is a lot to consider, it has been a lot for me to deal with...

 

I got swept away by the whirlwind romance, we had the "It" factor and fell in love rather fast.... I didn't think of the future implication of his disability, we were just so happy in general and it would be weird to think about babies and the future.. marriage and all that, within a mere month or so of meeting...

 

It is only NOW that I have seriously thought about things and I admit it scared me .

[Leigh 87]

He would be a hands on father. I wouldn't hesitate to trust him implicitly.

 

He plans ahead. He makes the effort for things he cares about. He has never forgot to call/text me daily since day one, he has never forgot to make the effort to see me despite living 4 hours away via public transport (he cannot drive).

 

yeah. He would be a fantastic father, I don't doubt that his memory would reduce to capacity.....

[Leigh 87]

I am very physically attracted to my boyfriend.

 

He puts my needs before his own.

 

He always services me in the bedroom every single time before sex. He has good as sex.

 

He is a really good person.

 

I am very happy when I am with him.

 

He adores me but he is not clingy or annoying.

 

He is close to his family. Which is not important to me, but he is a good natured person....

 

I mean, I basically felt that hot chemistry with a "nice guy". Which I admit is rare.

 

He has a disability; I also have started college much later in life and won't be a professional until me 30's.

 

We both have drawbacks but I honestly think we are very lucky to have a person we are crazy about, who feels the same way about us......

 

We are both very attracted to each other. Have been since day one. A lot of people would think we are plain/average but to each other, he thought I was gorgeous from day one. And likewise....

 

With the guy who had a high income, the only thing that was missing was my ...... chemistry, from my part... I just didn't feel that way about him, I didn't want to kiss him, I would have had to have "grown" to even enjoy kissing the guy.

 

Yet he earned a good income and was about to earn more and more......

 

It is a no brainer which guy I chose. I left he first well off guy for my current low income bf.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

No worries... it is a difficult situation it doesnt seem like a big issue at the time so I completely get where u are coming from but just from my experience boy does it start to take its toll.. x

[isisisweeping]

He's saved up 30K for a house... it's not like this guy is a deadbeat...

 

 

He would actually be able to help you raise the kids in a more nontraditional arrangement.

 

He adores you.

 

 

I think you need to reconsider.

[Leigh 87]

He's saved up 30K for a house... it's not like this guy is a deadbeat...

 

 

He would actually be able to help you raise the kids in a more nontraditional arrangement.

 

He adores you.

 

 

I think you need to reconsider.

 

 

 

I never said he was a dead beat.

 

He has impeccable grammar and spelling. He was never a drop kick in my eyes. ......

 

He had a brain injury and he has had to overcome more than most his age.......

 

I was worried about our future.

 

I feel much better since writing this thread.

 

I am definitely going to stick by him.

[Leigh 87]

Hopefully your obsession with superficial and material things goes away as you mature and have more life experience.

 

A couple of other things to think about...

 

 

 

All these butterflies, obsession, attraction, chemistry, passion, desire, lust, sex, etc. is mostly infatuation.

 

INFATUATION IS NOT LOVE and it will go away. No, not today, tomorrow or next month but it will slowly subside.

 

Since 80% of the things you think about / focus on / value and find most important are going to go away... Then what?

 

What is so special and what does this "low income" guy do for you? Is the remaining 20% that you throw out there / mention going to sustain a relationship / marriage through all the hardships and the crap life is going to through at you both?

 

 

 

He has staying power.

 

He is the type to stick my me no matter what.

 

I do need the chemistry and the initial excitement. I realise that more is needed to sustain a long term thing. ...

 

I have had two long long relationships over two years each. I know a lot of people who have had 20 year marriages. .

 

My own parents are happily married for over 35 years. Mum has supported I'll father for many years now.

 

 

 

 

I don't live under a rock. ... I sort of know that the initial thrills wear off but I do need that natural passion to begin with.

[Speakingofwhich]

You have issues with your R with your bf in two major areas:

 

Finances

 

Children

 

These are two of the most important areas a couple should be compatible in with their lives.

 

I'd say you might want to find someone you are more compatible with and allow him to do the same.

 

This situation, to me, seems a breeding ground for resentment to build up over the years.

 

Plus, it's important to respect your spouse and it seems you may have a hard time respecting someone who doesn't make as much or more money than you do.

[Iguanna]

I think you need to reconsider.

 

Don't make her reconsider to leave him. He deserves more than pity love.

[Leigh 87]

Don't make her reconsider to leave him. He deserves more than pity love.

 

 

 

 

You have no place telling me how I feel about my boyfriend.

 

I don't want to have kids if we are on low incomes. That is all. He even agrees with me.

 

I am super into my bf and what I am feeling is true love.

 

You date a man with a disability and walk a mile in my shoes before telling me that you even have a clue what I am going through.

 

Besides not wanting to have kids if we are both on a low income I don't see what the problem is.

[Leigh 87]

You have issues with your R with your bf in two major areas:

 

Finances

 

Children

 

These are two of the most important areas a couple should be compatible in with their lives.

 

I'd say you might want to find someone you are more compatible with and allow him to do the same.

 

This situation, to me, seems a breeding ground for resentment to build up over the years.

 

Plus, it's important to respect your spouse and it seems you may have a hard time respecting someone who doesn't make as much or more money than you do.

 

I have a high level of respect for him.

 

I simply don't want children if we are both on low incomes. Plain and simple.

 

Many very decent people feel the same; many people on here don't want to raise poor children.

[Strength in Healing]

Here's a simple solution. Since he remembers things 1-2 days later...

 

Encourage him to go back to school. You have him study for tests at least 2 days in advance. He gets a degree, and a way better job.

 

Problem solved.

 

Additionally, how much is botox over there? In the USA it's like 800 dollars a year max, you only need it 1-2 times..

[Iguanna]

You have no place telling me how I feel about my boyfriend.

 

I don't want to have kids if we are on low incomes. That is all. He even agrees with me.

 

I am super into my bf and what I am feeling is true love.

 

You date a man with a disability and walk a mile in my shoes before telling me that you even have a clue what I am going through.

 

Besides not wanting to have kids if we are both on a low income I don't see what the problem is.

 

You make a thread expressing that it is problematic for you that your bf has a disability and therefore he's doomed to be poor forever while you have all these great plans for your life (and good for you). When I tell you that the best solution would be to leave him find another woman who won't have that many plans for her life (which YOU suggested first, if you remember) and you find someone else who will share your dreams and help you fulfill them, you start attacking me. I don't get it.

[WrinkledForehead]

Leigh, dear, you've given me some great advice and I hope what I dispense will help.

 

I don't think it will do any favors to look at your dating history and see how tough it's been, and decide to stay with your current R just because dating is tough. That is settling.

 

I am reading that your mind is made up--you have incompatibilities. It doesn't make you selfish to assess your desires and leave a partner because his don't match. It doesn't make you selfish to assess his disability and find it will impact your life in a way that doesn't bode well with you.

 

And I understand how hard it is to find an amazing human being and have great love for them and yet still find that being with them doesn't feel quite as comfortable as it should be.

 

You have current dreams and desires and you don't have to give them up in order to find a partner. You may, however, find that once you meet that man that rocks your socks, that certain things may not matter quite as much.

 

In the meantime, take care of Leigh. Dating is hard and dating sucks and it is certainly difficult to find that person who blows you away. And if this guy isn't it? That's okay.

 

You're articulate and intelligent and lovely. Keep your inner peace and happiness.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, dear, you've given me some great advice and I hope what I dispense will help.

 

I don't think it will do any favors to look at your dating history and see how tough it's been, and decide to stay with your current R just because dating is tough. That is settling.

 

I am reading that your mind is made up--you have incompatibilities. It doesn't make you selfish to assess your desires and leave a partner because his don't match. It doesn't make you selfish to assess his disability and find it will impact your life in a way that doesn't bode well with you.

 

And I understand how hard it is to find an amazing human being and have great love for them and yet still find that being with them doesn't feel quite as comfortable as it should be.

 

You have current dreams and desires and you don't have to give them up in order to find a partner. You may, however, find that once you meet that man that rocks your socks, that certain things may not matter quite as much.

 

In the meantime, take care of Leigh. Dating is hard and dating sucks and it is certainly difficult to find that person who blows you away. And if this guy isn't it? That's okay.

 

You're articulate and intelligent and lovely. Keep your inner peace and happiness.

 

 

 

He is the guy who knocks my socks off.

 

I just don't want a poor family. Having children poor isn't something I would do for anyone.

 

Thanks so much for your kind words.

 

I won't give up my dreams. I will just live them on a smaller scale because being with him is my new dream.

 

Having children if we both had low incomes will never be something I'll do thoug no matter how crazy in love I am.

[Leigh 87]

You make a thread expressing that it is problematic for you that your bf has a disability and therefore he's doomed to be poor forever while you have all these great plans for your life (and good for you). When I tell you that the best solution would be to leave him find another woman who won't have that many plans for her life (which YOU suggested first, if you remember) and you find someone else who will share your dreams and help you fulfill them, you start attacking me. I don't get it.

 

 

 

No you said I only have pity love for him.

 

All I ever said was that I don't want to have children if we are going to be poor because of it.

 

This guy has blown my mind from day one.

 

having kids on low incomes doesn't blow my mind.

[Leigh 87]

Here's a simple solution. Since he remembers things 1-2 days later...

 

Encourage him to go back to school. You have him study for tests at least 2 days in advance. He gets a degree, and a way better job.

 

Problem solved.

 

Additionally, how much is botox over there? In the USA it's like 800 dollars a year max, you only need it 1-2 times..

 

 

 

On low incomes in my 30s which is a strong possibility due to me getting my degree later in life, we would barely afford food and a house much less botox, any overseas travel and anything besides the basics.

[MidwestUSA]

Every word you type here, Leigh, is to convince yourself, not us. Otherwise, it could be done in short order.

 

How do you even focus in school with all of these obsessive, wandering thoughts?

[Leigh 87]

Every word you type here, Leigh, is to convince yourself, not us. Otherwise, it could be done in short order.

 

How do you even focus in school with all of these obsessive, wandering thoughts?

 

 

 

I know how I feel.

[hoping2heal]

You're perfectly right, but she shouldn't have dated him in the first place if she knew about his disability and short memory.

 

Love is never about money NEVER.

 

Love itself is never about money, that I agree with.

 

But, money is needed for love to grow and foster..or so seems to be the case for the umpteen couples who divorce over financial strain and issues.

 

I think everyone is being unfair to the OP for being honest. Which is highly laughable because I have seen things so much more superficial posted on here and it's okay when that person doesn't want to continue or have a relationship but this woman realizes her partner is going to need caretaking and will not be able to be a supportive partner financially nor otherwise. She's being honest with herself that she doesn't feel she is cut out for the burden of what life would be like.

 

All of these people dogging on her and it's so easy to do if it isn't you faced with that decision isn't it? Maybe if she were older and more experienced she'd have a different mindset - yes maybe, but she's young yet and it's her life to make choices with - whatever the outcome happens to be.