My Boyfriend Has a Disability

[Leigh 87]

I agree with her. I know a lot of college grads who assumed a 60k plus salary soon after graduating was almost a given with their degree but times are changing. (unless you have connections who have already promised you the position and salary)

Then on the relationship I really think you are going to end up throwing away a good thing and regretting it later.

Still until you experience it for yourself and find out that those special connections are a little more rare and valuable than you can see right now you have no choice but to leave because from what you have said no matter how good your bf is to you at this point unless he makes a certain amount of money you will resent him.

 

I don't mind if he remains low income. ..

 

I just refuse to have kids if we are both low income.

 

I could very well be low income for years after degree well past my child bearing years.

 

I actually turned down a man who earned 140K per year. He was crazy about me. He was totally devoted to me.

 

I didn't feel that way about him so I broke it off.

 

I absolutely have no issue with a low income earner but it is not feasible for me to have kids with him if I too am a low income earner myself for years after I graduate.

 

Does that make sense? I don't want kids badly enough to have them when I'm not in the position to provide for them.

[BeholdtheMan]

Why wouldn't I find such a devoted man again?

 

It's good of you to think that way. It'll help you make the right choice.

 

Your current boyfriend is devoted but incompatible. You will probably be able to find a man who's both devoted and compatible if you try. The first step on this new journey of yours is to muster the courage to let your current boyfriend go.

 

In all honesty, he deserves better than being kept around while you wait for a better ride to come along.

 

I mean, even if your current boyfriend were to give up kids, you'd still resent him for low income.

 

Right now your position is "He's low income, I don't want to raise kids with a low income partner"

 

If your BF gives up kids, I doubt your position will become "he's low income, but I'm happy with him because we won't have the burden of kids"

 

Your position will probably become "he's low income, that means I can't travel, look at my friend...she can afford to raise kids in a comfortable environment and travel and get botox every year blah blah blah".

 

Trust me, you won't stop resenting him for his meagre financial means. You'll always view his disability as holding you back from living the life you want to live. Do him (and yourself) a favour and find someone you're actually compatible with

[Leigh 87]

I am 27.

 

I'll be 31 by the time my honors degree is finished.

 

I could take a year or more just to GET my first post grad job and there Iis a high chance it'll be low paid for years until I get a job that is even related to my career.

 

I am well aware of my age and the financial limitations I could face:I do not think it is feasible for me to have children. I won't accumulate the money before my child bearing years come to an end. Especially if I am with a fellow low income earner.

 

I am doing a youth work diploma that requires me to do volunteer work with disadvantaged Australians.

 

I have only just started my honors degree. Already I am taking the initiative to get as much volunteer work as possible.

 

By the end of my degree, I plan to have done volunteer work from year one of my degree.

 

I think that amassing a lot of volunteer work in working with disadvantaged people will help me get a job faster than if I DID NOT start doing voluntary work from year1 of my degree.

 

More over, having a diploma in youth work as well a the 400 plus hours of vvolunteer work that it entails, will likely land me a job.

 

I have spoken to career councilors. They think I have a good chance of getting a job out of my diploma in youth work. I just have to keep looking for jobs in the field and rack up loads of volunteer work.

 

I am doing the very best I can. I am truly in love with my boyfriend and be treats me VERY well. I am definitely not letting him go.

 

I have just been having a hard time dealing with his disability lately. I feel much better now, after writing it all down.

 

He swears that he won't have kids if he is poor and I am also poor.

[Kizmet Fisher]

It's good of you to think that way. It'll help you make the right choice.

 

Your current boyfriend is devoted but incompatible. You will probably be able to find a man who's both devoted and compatible if you try. The first step on this new journey of yours is to muster the courage to let your current boyfriend go.

 

In all honesty, he deserves better than being kept around while you wait for a better ride to come along.

 

I mean, even if your current boyfriend were to give up kids, you'd still resent him for low income.

 

Right now your position is "He's low income, I don't want to raise kids with a low income partner"

 

If your BF gives up kids, I doubt your position will become "he's low income, but I'm happy with him because we won't have the burden of kids"

 

Your position will probably become "he's low income, that means I can't travel, look at my friend...she can afford to raise kids in a comfortable environment and travel and get botox every year blah blah blah".

 

Trust me, you won't stop resenting him for his meagre financial means. You'll always view his disability as holding you back from living the life you want to live. Do him (and yourself) a favour and find someone you're actually compatible with

 

Definitely true. The number of times OP has referred to her boyfriend as "low income" in this thread definitely indicates to me that this isn't really about an incompatability when it comes to raising children.

[Kizmet Fisher]

I am 27.

 

I'll be 31 by the time my honors degree is finished.

 

I could take a year or more just to GET my first post grad job and there Iis a high chance it'll be low paid for years until I get a job that is even related to my career.

 

I am well aware of my age and the financial limitations I could face:I do not think it is feasible for me to have children. I won't accumulate the money before my child bearing years come to an end. Especially if I am with a fellow low income earner.

 

I am doing a youth work diploma that requires me to do volunteer work with disadvantaged Australians.

 

I have only just started my honors degree. Already I am taking the initiative to get as much volunteer work as possible.

 

By the end of my degree, I plan to have done volunteer work from year one of my degree.

 

I think that amassing a lot of volunteer work in working with disadvantaged people will help me get a job faster than if I DID NOT start doing voluntary work from year1 of my degree.

 

More over, having a diploma in youth work as well a the 400 plus hours of vvolunteer work that it entails, will likely land me a job.

 

I have spoken to career councilors. They think I have a good chance of getting a job out of my diploma in youth work. I just have to keep looking for jobs in the field and rack up loads of volunteer work.

 

I am doing the very best I can. I am truly in love with my boyfriend and be treats me VERY well. I am definitely not letting him go.

 

I have just been having a hard time dealing with his disability lately. I feel much better now, after writing it all down.

 

He swears that he won't have kids if he is poor and I am also poor.

 

Maybe. But my point is that doing full-time TAFE and Uni concurrently (which is what you're doing yes?) isn't a great idea. Your grades will take a hit, as will everything else in your life. Plus there'll be a pretty high risk of burnout.

[Leigh 87]

Definitely true. The number of times OP has referred to her boyfriend as "low income" in this thread definitely indicates to me that this isn't really about an incompatability when it comes to raising children.

 

I honestly don't mind he's low income, he makes me as happy as.. any guy could possibly.

 

The having kids with two low incomes is just not okay with me.

 

If I end up on 60 King 2 to 3 years after my degree and he is on his 25 K I will be in my mid 30s.

 

I am just not comfortable with what our joint income would be when it comes to raising kids.

 

If he didn't want kids I'd not have started this thread.

 

He says he doesn't want kids if our income won't support more than a poor life style.

[Andy_K]

My parents had a low income. My mum didn't work, and my dad was unemployed for several years while I was growing up.

 

I still had a great childhood. I had plenty of close friends and I was never bored. We had caravan trips instead of flights abroad, and it's no big deal. Later on I went to university and got a first class degree, and a masters with distinction too. Things turned out pretty well.

 

Money isn't everything when it comes to a family.

[Leigh 87]

Maybe. But my point is that doing full-time TAFE and Uni concurrently (which is what you're doing yes?) isn't a great idea. Your grades will take a hit, as will everything else in your life. Plus there'll be a pretty high risk of burnout.

 

 

 

The tafe diploma can be done in our own time frame. I don't have a set time frame. I can work hard at it during uni breaks and get out of the way in the allocated year.

 

Then next year I can aim for my distinctions in my uni degree.

 

You can still get a job out of a degree with average marks. It just takes longer than the high distinction students.

 

Plus I will have years of volunteer work undel my belt from year one of my uni degree. I'll also aim to do well in my college grades but this year I am a tad limited due to also doing my diploma full time....... I can still pass and even get some credits and a distinction or two.

 

I work really hard. I am up at 6 amand study until. Working wweekends. I still love life. I'm sure I can make tthis year work.

[Candy_Pants]

My parents had a low income. My mum didn't work, and my dad was unemployed for several years while I was growing up.

 

I still had a great childhood. I had plenty of close friends and I was never bored. We had caravan trips instead of flights abroad, and it's no big deal. Later on I went to university and got a first class degree, and a masters with distinction too. Things turned out pretty well.

 

Money isn't everything when it comes to a family.

I agree. However, the OP doesn't want to raise a poor family. That's fine. It's just important to be aware that money isn't guaranteed, ever.

[Leigh 87]

My parents had a low income. My mum didn't work, and my dad was unemployed for several years while I was growing up.

 

I still had a great childhood. I had plenty of close friends and I was never bored. We had caravan trips instead of flights abroad, and it's no big deal. Later on I went to university and got a first class degree, and a masters with distinction too. Things turned out pretty well.

 

Money isn't everything when it comes to a family.

 

 

 

 

But I also want to travel overseas.

 

If he has a low income and I am only a recent college grad we would have a low joint income.

 

sorry but I am a travel addict I refuse to give up overseas travel for a child.

 

I don't want kids badly enough to give up overseas travel.

 

I also want to rescue dogs. Which costs money.

 

kids and family isn't everything to some people. I have good friends, my own family and I don't need to have kids.

 

I wouldhave a cchild if me and my boyfriend made enough money by mid 30s to supporta child AND aallow me to travel overseas occasionally.

[Leigh 87]

I agree. However, the OP doesn't want to raise a poor family. That's fine. It's just important to be aware that money isn't guaranteed, ever.

 

 

 

This.

 

I simply choose not to raise a poor family.

 

My bf does earn an income and he will be able to support himself, barely.

 

I am starting uni and therefore my career will kick off later in life. This means I will be forced to raise a poor family with my bf.

[David87]

This.

 

I simply choose not to raise a poor family.

 

My bf does earn an income and he will be able to support himself, barely.

 

I am starting uni and therefore my career will kick off later in life. This means I will be forced to raise a poor family with my bf.

 

 

Correct me if i'm wrong but isn't he the only one at the moment who earns money?

 

You don't have a job. You're talking about a scenario that will happen in three or four years.

[Leigh 87]

As above, grad jobs are hard to lock down. You need top marks and the competion is fierce. Many people have to take low paid interships and non career jobs for years before they land a career track position. That 60k is by no means guranteed.

 

I think you are looking too far ahead here. Why not just date, study and have fun?

 

 

 

Then I will get top makes and do volunteer work for years before I finish my degree.

 

 

I was up at no **** 5 am in order to have gotten my above 90% college enot rance marks. In the area of chemistry and science which I am very average in.

 

I literally studied from 5 am until after midnight.

 

I think I can get distinctions. I work hard when I put my mind to it. My mum is an extremely hard worker and I need to follow in her foot steps.

 

My stoner/lazy chappy time in my life is over and I'm going to do what it takes to be at the top third of the list when it comes to getting a post grad job.

 

I don't have to worry about bulls so frankly I have a good chance of doing well where as most students need to work full or part time and worry about where their next meal is coming from.

[Andy_K]

But I also want to travel overseas.

 

If he has a low income and I am only a recent college grad we would have a low joint income.

 

sorry but I am a travel addict I refuse to give up overseas travel for a child.

 

I don't want kids badly enough to give up overseas travel.

 

I also want to rescue dogs. Which costs money.

 

kids and family isn't everything to some people. I have good friends, my own family and I don't need to have kids.

 

I wouldhave a cchild if me and my boyfriend made enough money by mid 30s to supporta child AND aallow me to travel overseas occasionally.

 

I wonder, if you'd been born 200 years ago and not in today's decadent society, would you have found a way to live a happy and contented life, or would you have been forever wanting more?

 

I watched 'into the wild' the other day, it's a true story about a twenty something american who goes travelling and exploring in the wilderness. His journal entry a few weeks before he died was 'happiness only real when shared'. Quite a poignant statement.

[Leigh 87]

Correct me if i'm wrong but isn't he the only one at the moment who earns money?

 

You don't have a job. You're talking about a scenario that will happen in three or four years.

 

 

 

I work weekends.

 

Too busy focusing on getting good grades and doing as much volunteer work as possible (working with the disadvantaged) which is very good to do if you are doinga social work ddegree.

[Leigh 87]

I wonder, if you'd been born 200 years ago and not in today's decadent society, would you have found a way to live a happy and contented life, or would you have been forever wanting more?

 

I watched 'into the wild' the other day, it's a true story about a twenty something american who goes travelling and exploring in the wilderness. His journal entry a few weeks before he died was 'happiness only real when shared'. Quite a poignant statement.

 

 

 

 

I am very happy as it is. Without a professional job. Working student jobs on weekends.

 

I don't want to raise a poor family . Simple as that.

 

I would love a family if we earn an average joint income.

 

He gets the pension so he would be a stay at home dad. Averting the cost of childcare.

 

It could work. I just got scared. I haven't dated a man with a disability before.

 

I simply wanted to lay the facts out there so I could get advice about how I can best go about things.

 

Right now my focus is my degree and getting my diploma of of the way... and getting a lot of volunteer work.

 

I am witha wonderful man and we are crazy about each other so i would be foolish to throw that away for a situation that may hhappen in 4 years time.

 

i am sure i would compromise for him; I would go on a family trip overseas once every 4 years opposed to my once every year overseas trip.

[somedude81]

Is there any chance that you're still with him because you'd feel guilty if you left him?

 

Maybe you feel that it isn't his fault that he is the way he is, and that you'd be a bad person if you left him because of it?

[somedude81]

He is lovely.

 

Really, I am thrilled, I feel blessed to have a man who does nice things for me. He cooks dinner, cleans it up, takes the trash out....

 

My ex would just take a shower here, leave his towels on the floor and go to sleep.

 

Trust me I know how lucky I am.

You sound like Phoe.

 

Expect more from your men!

 

Just because you dated one guy who was a loser, and now you're dating one guy who is decent, that doesn't mean that he's the best you'll ever find.

 

Helping with cooking, cleaning and taking out the trash should be the norm. You aren't lucky because you found a guy who does those things.

[Leigh 87]

You sound like Phoe.

 

Expect more from your men!

 

Just because you dated one guy who was a loser, and now you're dating one guy who is decent, that doesn't mean that he's the best you'll ever find.

 

Helping with cooking, cleaning and taking out the trash should be the norm. You aren't lucky because you found a guy who does those things.

 

 

 

 

haha of course, I know better than to settle for what I can get JUST cos he is "nice to me".

 

 

We also had great chemistry and he is a wonderful person. He puts my needs first.

 

I just don't believe I will want kids with him if I don't get my career and finances into gear before it is too late.

 

This really comes down to not wanting to raise a poor family.

 

I am crazy enough about him and what I have to know that, ASIDE from his low income, he is everything I want.

 

NO matter how in love I am though, I will never agree to raise a family on two low incomes, or even one median and one low income.

 

I don't care for kids so amount of love is enough to make me have kids on a poor income.

 

Interestingly, he is the first man I have ever considered having children with. The thought of him holding my child is very very happy. However, I am still not maternal enough to want kids IF we are poor.

[BeholdtheMan]

Is your boyfriend financially supporting your education?

[Leigh 87]

My mother has supported my father and I since I was 10 and my dad fell ill......

 

He had to stop working. He was a manager at a Telstra. So it was a huge blow when he nearly died and was in such ill health for years. I was too young to know what was going on.

My boyfriend has suffered tremendously. He is very upset and uncomfortable that he has the intellect and will to, you know, succeed, yet he cannot due to something that is not within his control......

My dad was the second youngest man in Australia to have a quintuple by pass at age 38; he was healthy, he ate well and exercised......

I have see first hand what it means to support your partner, as my mother has done this since I was a child.

She was a teacher albeit a highly respected one who could get jobs at prestigious schools. A French, English and Dance teacher.

She earned enough to keep a large house and... give my selfish teenage ass whatever I wanted (I was a b*tch).

 

I am not my mum though. She had her career on track at an earlier age and hence was able to get credibility and support my father and I alone, on her single income.

At least my boyfriend strives to work full time and he just doesn't believe he will remain "poor". He honestly thinks he will make it, he will be okay, he will find a way to earn an average income.

 

I think if there is a will there is a way.... my bf at least works, has had the same job for ten years, and can be a stay at home dad, receiving the full pension (800 a fortnight) PLUS he could work part time while family looked after our child twice or 3 times a week, I have family who would be wiling.....

I love him enough to believe that if I work REALLY hard and get good grades and accumulate a lot of voluntary work, I will be able to make a living, support myself and a child.

 

Besides, we are not thinking about starting a family until I am at least 34 or 35..... YEARS, nearly ten years from now.......

 

I think love is enough, and if we end up poor and he want to have kids, he KNOW"S how I feel about that. I have told him straight up that I refuse to have kids if we are poor.

I wanted to think about this all NOW though. I had to, it was bugging me. His disability and his implications. I never thought about it initially because things between us are so wonderful, genuinely adores me.

I only thought about how wonderful things were initially, I didn't think about the future until months down the track.

He may have a disability but it really didn't factor in, things between us are heavenly.

Until now, months later, when we talk about our future...

I have thought about it and decided against ending things with him. I have dated enough men and lived enough to know when I meet a guy I am crazy enough about to risk .... it for.

 

A totally dedicated man is hard to find.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had a few men who were very well off take an interest in me. One of them was super dedicated to me. I just didn't feel that "it factor" with them.

The last guy who earned well over 140 K was an amazing person and very dedicated to me, only I didn't have strong enough romantic feelings for him

 

I have also had men offer to buy me the world for sex which disgusted me.

 

So people who think I want a rich guy at all costs are mistaken....

[Leigh 87]

You sound like Phoe.

 

Expect more from your men!

 

Just because you dated one guy who was a loser, and now you're dating one guy who is decent, that doesn't mean that he's the best you'll ever find.

 

Helping with cooking, cleaning and taking out the trash should be the norm. You aren't lucky because you found a guy who does those things.

 

 

 

I Have had well to do men fall madly in love with me; men who were totally dedicated and who earned a lot.

I didn't feel the it factor with them romantically speaking so I ended it.

I have had men who were willing to take our the trash before..... and a lot more....

 

One guy moved heaven and earth just to see me. He drove me two hours to my work, and he drove two hours back to his work....... in the mornings.

He did ANYTHING for me I tell you. Not just for sex, he could go without that. And we did as I wasn't, frankly, attracted to him. He was fine looking I actually liked his face. I just didn't feel romantic chemistry. Like. At ALL:lmao:

 

Even my mother said " geez Leigh 87, this man takes such good care of you, you wouldn't have to worry about even working again once you had kids, WHY can't you like this man?"

She wasn't serious, she wants me to find true love, but LOL. If only it wasn't with the men who offered me a secure future and were madly in love with me.

 

I ended things for the simple fact that I didn't "feel it" with him.......

 

So yeah I am obviously NOT all about money at the cost of feeling true love.

 

I just refuse to raise a family if we will be poor as a result. That doesn't make me a bad person by my books.

[Leigh 87]

If push comes to shove, I would support my boyfriend if something happened to him where he couldn't work at all. I love him enough. I have witnessed first hand my mother supporting my father when he fell ill and couldn't work at all.

 

I just wouldn't willingly have children if we were in a poor financial situation. That was the only gripe I had.

 

I don't truly think I need once yearly travel once I get a professional job. I am just really savvy at living frugly, I love life when I eat at home, don't go out... spend time with bf and my friends for my entertainment, at home, without lavish dinners/lunches/brunches out.

 

I have a feeling that my hard work and dedication to my honours degree and volunteer work in my field will ....suffice.

 

I truly would give up overseas travel for my partner, if it came to that, but I would likely compromise; I would travel every 4 years with him as a family opposed to my high flying life I thought I would get.......

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

U know your RS could be in trouble before it even gets to having children..

 

My ex had short term memory problems too from a severe illness as a child... this caused tremendous problems as he would forget things I had told him, arrangements we had made, he would forget what had caused an argument and it would all kick off again, he would change the order in which things happened which would cause arguments, he would forget deadlines on bill payments, just a simple phone call to the bank would get forgotten about... I loved him very much but it was extremely frustrating... I think before u think about anything else u need to think wether u can actually live with his disability x

[Iguanna]

Doesn't he deserve to be free to find a woman who wont mind having kids with a low income earner?

 

 

Yes he does. Plain and simple. He is not who you want to have next to you, you are not who he expected you to be. Do the honorable thing and walk away. Now.