My Boyfriend Has a Disability

[Candy_Pants]

When you get married it's for richer, or for poorer. Wealth is not guaranteed. My grandparents got married at 15, poor as dirt. Raised 5 kids on rice and beans. And years later became multimillionaires.

 

Find a rich man. Let your man find a woman who can love him and commit to him regardless of his bank account.

[Koopa]

I don't think you deserve this guy since you obviously question the "in sickness and in health" part of wedding vows. So why don't you leave him and find some rich guy who will pay for you to inject your face with Botulinum Toxin (Botox) and whatever surgery you think will make you feel better about yourself for the rest of your superficial life, or at least until that rich guy feels like trading you in for a newer younger model.

[David87]

Did you know about all this when you started to date him?

 

Did you knew that he had a stroke ?

[OhThatGirl]

When you get married it's for richer, or for poorer. Wealth is not guaranteed. My grandparents got married at 15, poor as dirt. Raised 5 kids on rice and beans. And years later became multimillionaires.

 

Find a rich man. Let your man find a woman who can love him and commit to him regardless of his bank account.

 

Uh.

 

You completely dismiss the fact that 1) this rarely ever happens, 2) it's even less likely to happen given her boyfriends disabilities, and 3) that it is absolutely reasonable for her to consider whether she wants a future with someone who may not ever be gainfully employed that she may end up supporting financially.

 

Hello people. Her concerns are valid!! They are entirely reasonable!! Read my post... REGARDLESS of what she seems appropriate for her lifestyle, it's HERS and her decision to decide if forever financially supporting someone who wants kids but can't contribute to their expense is worthwhile. Her lifestyle could very well be including the cost of "accupuncture treatments" instead of Botox. It's minimal. That's not the point. The point is the life she WANTS may not be compatible with this particular partner. Forget the Botox. Pay attention to the property she wants to own, rescuing dogs, and traveling. These are true lifestyle choices she MAY NOT be able to have with this man.

 

I'm really disappointed to see so many blowing her off when really these are entirely valid concerns to have and do not mean she's a gold digger, shallow, or finding someone for a free ride.

 

One last thing: THEY ARE NOT MARRIED. These arguments about marriage vows are completely irrelevant except to consider she is trying to decide if she COULD MAKE THESE VOWS. Again, it's smart. She's trying to do the wise thing here to determine if these issues are enough to PREVENT marriage.

 

Good lord people.

Edited April 17, 2014 by OhThatGirl

[David87]

Uh.

 

You completely dismiss the fact that 1) this rarely ever happens, 2) it's even less likely to happen given her boyfriends disabilities, and 3) that it is absolutely reasonable for her to consider whether she wants a future with someone who may not ever be gainfully employed that she may end up supporting financially.

 

Hello people. Her concerns are valid!! They are entirely reasonable!! Read my post... REGARDLESS of what she seems appropriate for her lifestyle, it's HERS and her decision to decide if forever financially supporting someone who wants kids but can't contribute to their expense is worthwhile. Her lifestyle could very well be including the cost of "accupuncture treatments" instead of accupuncture. It's minimal. That's not the point. The point is the life she WANTS may not be compatible with this particular partner. Forget the Botox. Pay attention to the property she wants to own, rescuing dogs, and traveling. These are true lifestyle choices she MAY NOT be able to have with this man.

 

I'm really disappointed to see so many blowing her off when really these are entirely valid concerns to have and do not mean she's a gold digger, shallow, or finding someone for a free ride.

 

One last thing: THEY ARE NOT MARRIED. These arguments about marriage vows are completely irrelevant except to consider she is trying to decide if she COULD MAKE THESE VOWS. Again, it's smart. She's trying to do the wise thing here to determine if these issues are enough to PREVENT marriage.

 

Good lord people.

 

 

You're perfectly right, but she shouldn't have dated him in the first place if she knew about his disability and short memory.

 

Love is never about money NEVER.

[Kizmet Fisher]

I'd advise OP not to count her chickens before they are turned into chicken nuggets. That graduate position that pays 60k that you seem to think is all but yours? It's actually pretty tough to lock down an initial graduate position in social work. Particularly if you don't have any relevant experience. And that doesn't actually include placements you undertake as part of your degree, everyone has to do that so employers expect more.

 

Trust me on this, I'm a clinical doctorate student in psychology so I've seen a lot of the people I did my bachelor with go into social work when they couldn't get into psych post-grad. The only ones who got jobs were the ones with extensive work or volunteer experience outside of their degree. The ones who just did the neccessary amount of hours in their placements are pretty much all still on Newstart.

 

I just don't get why you're being so critical of him when you live on Centrelink and get your rent payed/subsidised by your mum.

[Leigh 87]

I fell in love with who he is.

 

I didn't realise he really wanted kids.

 

 

He promises me he won't have children if he cannot afford it.

 

 

He refuses to be a parent who is poor. There is a chance he will want kids no matter what though.

[MidwestUSA]

 

He refuses to be a parent who is poor. There is a chance he will want kids no matter what though.

 

Which is it? Is he waffling?

[David87]

You don't love him anymore that's a fact. The only solution is to dump him.....

 

He deserves to be loved to and he will.

[kaylan]

Why wouldn't I find such a devoted man again?

If you think its easy finding a good boyfriend/girlfriend, that will in turn become a good husband/wife...then you need to look around this forum and at the people around you. Breakups happen all the time, divorces happen all the time...and many people who stay together are not happy.

 

While there are many good people out there to date, it can be hard to find them....especially as we all get older and people start to pair off.

And how is wanting to travel overseas and rescue dogs unreasonable?

Id rather have a great, and loving wife here with me in the states, over being single and alone in my older years because I wanted to meet strangers and take care of dogs. Those things can be done, but within moderation.

 

You want to live it up and do country hop on a yearly basis. Not everyone gets to do that. Dump this guy and go find a man with money, who doesnt want kids, and who will have the time to globe-trot.

 

 

I have wanted to do these things my entire life.

Then why have you wasted your boyfriends time? I personally dont get seriously involved with women who have DRASTICALLY different wants and needs than I do in life. Im not gonna waste a womans time and end up breaking a devoted girls heart because I didnt think about all this before she fell in love with me.

 

If I knew she was the kind of girl who would get crazy about me, Id call it off if I wasnt ready for serious stuff like kids and settling down. I wouldnt get into a seriously relationship with someone I know for a fact wants very different things out of life. Id be selfish to lead someone on and break their heart.

having kids with him would hinder me from the life that I want. We would be poor.

For a girl whos never really had money...I cant see how you think 60k or 80k is poor. Ive had Aussie friends, Ive looked at your GDP, demographics and cost of living during college research. Those salaries are not poor...even with kids. Actually mid 60s is the median household income of the typical family in Australia last time I checked. Median for typical families...aka middle class.

 

But I forgot...you wanna get botox...and travel, and get material things. Then dump your boyfriend and date the kind of man who likes botox women who are concerned with traveling and money. Youll definitely need the botox then...because those well-to-do travelers have no problem trading you in for a newer model if they get bored.

 

So like I said before...do think about the kind of man your behavior will attract. Think about your past relationships and the way youve let men treat you. Really sit and think about your dating past.

 

Personally, I really think you need to let this guy go. Lord knows I would welcome getting dumped by a girlfriend, just on the botox alone. That kind of superficiality is a big turn off. We all age...and eating right and exercising will make you look better than injections and surgery ever will. I mention surgery because usually plastic surgery is not far off once a girl starts fiddling with botox injections.

 

Nevermind that I feel it makes the girl look fake and less pretty...oh cool...your lips and eyebrows barely move because of the botox...yay /sarcasm. Have you not seen celebs? And plus you have to keep getting it done...so over time, more of your fave looks less animated when you speak or make facial expression. You end up with a typical botox look. Not attractive in my book.

 

But I digress

[OhThatGirl]

You're perfectly right, but she shouldn't have dated him in the first place if she knew about his disability and short memory.

 

Love is never about money NEVER.

 

Agree. But also.. How long have they been dating? How long has she understood the effects of his stroke? How long did it take for her to really see that he won't be able to train for a position or keep a job?

 

She mentions that he is now at risk of losing one of his paid jobs because of the memory issues. Maybe this has made it clear in her mind that indeed this is something she may have to deal with if they were to marry and have kids.

 

Ps. Love isn't about money. But making rational choices when selecting a partner helps you avoid a marriage that simply won't work due to different expectations, dreams, and priorities. The OP would be best to realize the money is only a small part of this and bigger issues such as her wanting to travel, different dreams for her future (not in loving children) may be problematic.

[Leigh 87]

I'd advise OP not to count her chickens before they are turned into chicken nuggets. That graduate position that pays 60k that you seem to think is all but yours? It's actually pretty tough to lock down an initial graduate position in social work. Particularly if you don't have any relevant experience. And that doesn't actually include placements you undertake as part of your degree, everyone has to do that so employers expect more.

 

Trust me on this, I'm a clinical doctorate student in psychology so I've seen a lot of the people I did my bachelor with go into social work when they couldn't get into psych post-grad. The only ones who got jobs were the ones with extensive work or volunteer experience outside of their degree. The ones who just did the neccessary amount of hours in their placements are pretty much all still on Newstart.

 

I just don't get why you're being so critical of him when you live on Centrelink and get your rent payed/subsidised by your mum.

 

 

 

 

 

I know that.

 

 

I DO volunteer work.

 

 

I am in year one of my degree and I already do relevant volunteer work.

 

I plan on volunteering throughout my entire degree. I am very aware of what it takes to get a post grad job.

 

I am doing a diploma in youth work AT THE SAME TIME as my full time social work degree.

 

I am already volunteering. I am due to start a 10 week life line course; social work employers look favorably upon that course.

 

 

I also plan to continue volunteering for life line for my entire degree.

 

 

I think I will stand a good chance at getting employment when I finish degree since I am taking the initiative in my FIRST YEAR of college to gain voluntary experience.

[kaylan]

Read this too. I think people will one day stop using botox. Its a lethal protein...and that makes me wonder about its long term health effects.

 

How natural beauty Jane forced Botox fans like Nicole to finally face facts - BelfastTelegraph.co.uk

[David87]

Agree. But also.. How long have they been dating? How long has she understood the effects of his stroke? How long did it take for her to really see that he won't be able to train for a position or keep a job?

 

She mentions that he is now at risk of losing one of his paid jobs because of the memory issues. Maybe this has made it clear in her mind that indeed this is something she may have to deal with if they were to marry and have kids.

 

Ps. Love isn't about money. But making rational choices when selecting a partner helps you avoid a marriage that simply won't work due to different expectations, dreams, and priorities. The OP would be best to realize the money is only a small part of this and bigger issues such as her wanting to travel, different dreams for her future (not in loving children) may be problematic.

 

You're right, there's no chance they'll end up getting married and having kids ect.

 

But my point is that you can see right away when someone has memory problems...... It was wrong to date him in the first place because she gave him the impresion that she's ok with his medical problems.

 

I'm glad i'm not in his shoes....

[Leigh 87]

If you think its easy finding a good boyfriend/girlfriend, that will in turn become a good husband/wife...then you need to look around this forum and at the people around you. Breakups happen all the time, divorces happen all the time...and many people who stay together are not happy.

 

While there are many good people out there to date, it can be hard to find them....especially as we all get older and people start to pair off.

Id rather have a great, and loving wife here with me in the states, over being single and alone in my older years because I wanted to meet strangers and take care of dogs. Those things can be done, but within moderation.

 

You want to live it up and do country hop on a yearly basis. Not everyone gets to do that. Dump this guy and go find a man with money, who doesnt want kids, and who will have the time to globe-trot.

 

 

 

 

I am not sure about botox.

 

 

I don't want the frozen celeb look. They look like freaks.

 

 

Once per year botox doesn't seem to excessive.

 

 

 

Then why have you wasted your boyfriends time? I personally dont get seriously involved with women who have DRASTICALLY different wants and needs than I do in life. Im not gonna waste a womans time and end up breaking a devoted girls heart because I didnt think about all this before she fell in love with me.

 

If I knew she was the kind of girl who would get crazy about me, Id call it off if I wasnt ready for serious stuff like kids and settling down. I wouldnt get into a seriously relationship with someone I know for a fact wants very different things out of life. Id be selfish to lead someone on and break their heart.

 

For a girl whos never really had money...I cant see how you think 60k or 80k is poor. Ive had Aussie friends, Ive looked at your GDP, demographics and cost of living during college research. Those salaries are not poor...even with kids. Actually mid 60s is the median household income of the typical family in Australia last time I checked. Median for typical families...aka middle class.

 

But I forgot...you wanna get botox...and travel, and get material things. Then dump your boyfriend and date the kind of man who likes botox women who are concerned with traveling and money. Youll definitely need the botox then...because those well-to-do travelers have no problem trading you in for a newer model if they get bored.

 

So like I said before...do think about the kind of man your behavior will attract. Think about your past relationships and the way youve let men treat you. Really sit and think about your dating past.

 

Personally, I really think you need to let this guy go. Lord knows I would welcome getting dumped by a girlfriend, just on the botox alone. That kind of superficiality is a big turn off. We all age...and eating right and exercising will make you look better than injections and surgery ever will. I mention surgery because usually plastic surgery is not far off once a girl starts fiddling with botox injections.

 

Nevermind that I feel it makes the girl look fake and less pretty...oh cool...your lips and eyebrows barely move because of the botox...yay /sarcasm. Have you not seen celebs? And plus you have to keep getting it done...so over time, more of your fave looks less animated when you speak or make facial expression. You end up with a typical botox look. Not attractive in my book.

 

But I digress

 

 

 

I am not sure about tthe botox.

 

I hate the frozen celeb look. They look like freaks.

 

I was thinking once every year or so. Nothing too obvious.

 

And I did grow up with money; my parents took me to America, Europe and Russia. I also grew up Iin Hong Kong for a few years.

 

Hence I am addicted to travel. I want to go overseas once every 2 years minimum after I secure a professional job.

[Kizmet Fisher]

I know that.

 

 

I DO volunteer work.

 

 

I am in year one of my degree and I already do relevant volunteer work.

 

I plan on volunteering throughout my entire degree. I am very aware of what it takes to get a post grad job.

 

I am doing a diploma in youth work AT THE SAME TIME as my full time social work degree.

 

I am already volunteering. I am due to start a 10 week life line course; social work employers look favorably upon that course.

 

 

I also plan to continue volunteering for life line for my entire degree.

 

 

I think I will stand a good chance at getting employment when I finish degree since I am taking the initiative in my FIRST YEAR of college to gain voluntary experience.

 

First of all, I don't know why you're doing the diploma. Diplomas don't really curry much favour with emplyers when you have a better degree (i.e. a bachelor). So the only thing that studying the diploma AT THE SAME TIME as your social work degree as you so emphatically word it will do, is give you a dead weight degree that will lower your grades for the bachelor.

 

Second, if your Lifeline course is the phone counselling one you need to commit to doing it for at least a year or two, not 10 weeks.

[kaylan]

^Diploma is the piece of paper or certificate that states your degree. Im pretty sure Leigh is in a respected educational institution for higher learning. I have a bachelors degree, but my degree of education is stated on my transcript and on my diploma issued to me by my alma mater.

 

You may have gotten confused by a simple difference in terms used amongst different English speakers

I am not sure about tthe botox.

 

I hate the frozen celeb look. They look like freaks.

 

I was thinking once every year or so. Nothing too obvious.

 

And I did grow up with money; my parents took me to America, Europe and Russia. I also grew up Iin Hong Kong for a few years.

 

Hence I am addicted to travel. I want to go overseas once every 2 years minimum after I secure a professional job.

Then find a man with money and the lifestyle you grew up with. You feel entitled to it because you are used to it. I get that and understand it...but its not like youd be dirt poor with this guy. Youd be middle class...but you cant seem to give up the idea of botox and globe trotting. Thats what I cant truly wrap my mind around. So let this guy go.

 

Its not gonna work. So much for "love". You should know these things before letting someone fall for you. If a girl wanted kids and I didnt want any...I wouldnt date her...Id find that stuff out early. If a woman wanted to travel yearly and I wasnt up for it or couldnt afford it, shed have to find someone else.

 

I grew up middle class and have my own living expectations...so as I said before, if a girl had drastically different goals and expectations than I did, I wouldnt waste her time if I always knew I wanted particular things in life. If I meet a girl who seems really cool, and we have chemistry...but then I find out shes ok making a really low wage and living pay check to paycheck...then I dont date her to begin with. I wouldnt let it get to the point of her falling in love with me.

Edited April 17, 2014 by kaylan

[David87]

Then find a man with money and the lifestyle you grew up with. You feel entitled to it because you are used to it. I get that and understand it...but its not like youd be dirt poor with this guy. Youd be middle class...but you cant seem to give up the idea of botox and globe trotting. Thats what I cant truly wrap my mind around. So let this guy go.

 

Its not gonna work. So much for "love". You should know these things before letting someone fall for you. If a girl wanted kids and I didnt want any...I wouldnt date her...Id find that stuff out early. If a woman wanted to travel yearly and I wasnt up for it or couldnt afford it, shed have to find someone else.

 

I grew up middle class and have my own living expectations...so as I said before, if a girl had drastically different goals and expectations than I did, I wouldnt waste her time if I always knew I wanted particular things in life.

 

This is spot on, never let another guy fell in love with you if you'll disappoint him in the future..... It sucks like hell. You're doing to this guy what my ex did to me. Except the fact that I'm perfectly healthy.

[kaylan]

Actually...let me amend my last post regarding the diploma in youth work. Having looked it up, it seems a diploma of youth work in Australia is the same as vocational school or an college associates degree in America.

 

Thats honestly a good thing to have in conjunction with a more advanced degree in social work.

[Candy_Pants]

Uh.

 

You completely dismiss the fact that 1) this rarely ever happens, 2) it's even less likely to happen given her boyfriends disabilities, and 3) that it is absolutely reasonable for her to consider whether she wants a future with someone who may not ever be gainfully employed that she may end up supporting financially.

 

Hello people. Her concerns are valid!! They are entirely reasonable!! Read my post... REGARDLESS of what she seems appropriate for her lifestyle, it's HERS and her decision to decide if forever financially supporting someone who wants kids but can't contribute to their expense is worthwhile. Her lifestyle could very well be including the cost of "accupuncture treatments" instead of Botox. It's minimal. That's not the point. The point is the life she WANTS may not be compatible with this particular partner. Forget the Botox. Pay attention to the property she wants to own, rescuing dogs, and traveling. These are true lifestyle choices she MAY NOT be able to have with this man.

 

I'm really disappointed to see so many blowing her off when really these are entirely valid concerns to have and do not mean she's a gold digger, shallow, or finding someone for a free ride.

 

One last thing: THEY ARE NOT MARRIED. These arguments about marriage vows are completely irrelevant except to consider she is trying to decide if she COULD MAKE THESE VOWS. Again, it's smart. She's trying to do the wise thing here to determine if these issues are enough to PREVENT marriage.

 

Good lord people.

Slow down turbo. I gave my grandparents experience to show that money comes and goes.

 

The OP HERSELF is talking about marriage. So you're right, they're not married, and obviously shouldn't be.

 

I never said she was a gold digger. I told her to find a rich man. And allow him to find a woman who will love him FOR HIM.

 

Good lord .

[MidwestUSA]

Actually...let me amend my last post regarding the diploma in youth work. Having looked it up, it seems a diploma of youth work in Australia is the same as vocational school or an college associates degree in America.

 

Thats honestly a good thing to have in conjunction with a more advanced degree in social work.

 

We have something similar here in nursing (diploma). It's a step below an associate's degree. FYI.

 

 

Great posts above, kaylan.

[Kizmet Fisher]

Actually...let me amend my last post regarding the diploma in youth work. Having looked it up, it seems a diploma of youth work in Australia is the same as vocational school or an college associates degree in America.

 

Thats honestly a good thing to have in conjunction with a more advanced degree in social work.

 

Here in Australia though, it's kind of a superfluous degree if you have a bachelor's degree in social work. Not to say it doesn't have value, but definitely not worth the sub-par grades you'd receive for trying to cram in so many different study units at the same time.

[Candy_Pants]

YouLose made me cry . That's a beautiful and horrible story. Thank you for sharing it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

As above, grad jobs are hard to lock down. You need top marks and the competion is fierce. Many people have to take low paid interships and non career jobs for years before they land a career track position. That 60k is by no means guranteed.

 

I think you are looking too far ahead here. Why not just date, study and have fun?

[Goldenbrwn]

I'd advise OP not to count her chickens before they are turned into chicken nuggets. That graduate position that pays 60k that you seem to think is all but yours? It's actually pretty tough to lock down an initial graduate position in social work. Particularly if you don't have any relevant experience. And that doesn't actually include placements you undertake as part of your degree, everyone has to do that so employers expect more.

 

Trust me on this, I'm a clinical doctorate student in psychology so I've seen a lot of the people I did my bachelor with go into social work when they couldn't get into psych post-grad. The only ones who got jobs were the ones with extensive work or volunteer experience outside of their degree. The ones who just did the neccessary amount of hours in their placements are pretty much all still on Newstart.

 

I just don't get why you're being so critical of him when you live on Centrelink and get your rent payed/subsidised by your mum.

 

I agree with her. I know a lot of college grads who assumed a 60k plus salary soon after graduating was almost a given with their degree but times are changing. (unless you have connections who have already promised you the position and salary)

Then on the relationship I really think you are going to end up throwing away a good thing and regretting it later.

Still until you experience it for yourself and find out that those special connections are a little more rare and valuable than you can see right now you have no choice but to leave because from what you have said no matter how good your bf is to you at this point unless he makes a certain amount of money you will resent him.