My Boyfriend Has a Disability

[Succession]

I know how I feel.

 

You mention a couple of points that make this pretty straightforward:

 

1. You don't want kids, but would be willing to have them if a) your partner wants them and b) he can afford them.

2. This man agrees that he doesn't want them unless he can afford them.

 

What, exactly, is the issue? You'll be together for the foreseeable future, and will each pursue your careers. If you get to a point where you agree you can afford them, have them. If not, don't.

 

People seem to be angry at you because botox and travel are more important to you than having children. I don't want children because they mean an extra 20 years of having to work, as opposed to having the freedom to solely pursue my passions. If people want to judge me for that, screw 'em.

 

The only issues I have with you are your needs for attention and acceptance. As an example, there is no real issue in this 9 page thread except whether the people on this website think you're a bad person. If you address those needs, you'll be a lot more comfortable with your choices in life.

[mitchell]

Oh, Leigh. When did Andrew have a stroke?? I had no idea.

[J21]

I'd be pretty hurt if I were the OP's bf. If I knew these thoughts you were having, I would hope u would at least have the honesty and end it, or I would end it myself.

 

You say that you love him, but you want the grass that seems greener on the other side. (Which is perfectly fine and a right of your own).

 

You've already asked yourself "why wouldn't i be able to find someone just as devoted". A person truly in love or smitten doesn't ask that or think "there are other men out there that would fall madly in love with me, my current bf aint the only one".

 

Imo i think its already over, you're trying to build up the courage at this point. Just a matter of time

Edited April 17, 2014 by J21

[CarrieT]

Oh, Leigh. When did Andrew have a stroke?? I had no idea.

 

Andrew is an ExBF - she has a new one...

 

Leigh, the bottom line is that you do not see a future with him - regardless of reasons, rationalizations, or justifications. If you see a different future for yourself, then you owe it to yourself to take those steps to work towards that future.

 

Period.

[atlg8r]

While it is sad for your boyfriend, I think a bigger issue here is that you do not really want kids. There is nothing wrong with that. Some people are not meant to be parents.

 

Have you told him you don't really get excited about being a mom? Have you told him you really value traveling? If not, I would first have that discussion. Then perhaps discuss to him some of YOUR hopes and dreams.

 

I don't think his disability is AS big a factor. The two things that stood out to me are that you do not care to have children much and he does, and he doesn't care to travel while you really want to travel a lot. I don't see those two things changing much even if his health miraculous came back to him.

 

You may feel guilty or torn about hurting him, especially because of his health, but in the long run you are doing what is right by both of you by sharing this information and then ending the relationship.

 

I commend you for taking into account his feelings and having compassion. But staying in a relationship you are not truly happy about is not doing either of you justice.

[Radu]

Let me rephrase this OP and overall idea of the thread.

 

You were ok with him as long as your social status was lower, but now that your social status is coming up, you want to trade up for something better.

 

I think you should, for pretty much most of the reasons you stated.

[Leigh 87]

Let me rephrase this OP and overall idea of the thread.

 

You were ok with him as long as your social status was lower, but now that your social status is coming up, you want to trade up for something better.

 

I think you should, for pretty much most of the reasons you stated.

 

 

 

Not at all.

 

I don't even view myself as lowly. I'm studying full time a d working weekends. I've traveled the world and lived overseas and I don't believe I am less of a person because I am trying my best to achieve the professional career of my choosing.

 

I don't want to trade up to something better.

 

I simply don't want kids if we are both low income earner.

[Leigh 87]

I'd be pretty hurt if I were the OP's bf. If I knew these thoughts you were having, I would hope u would at least have the honesty and end it, or I would end it myself.

 

You say that you love him, but you want the grass that seems greener on the other side. (Which is perfectly fine and a right of your own).

 

You've already asked yourself "why wouldn't i be able to find someone just as devoted". A person truly in love or smitten doesn't ask that or think "there are other men out there that would fall madly in love with me, my current bf aint the only one".

 

Imo i think its already over, you're trying to build up the courage at this point. Just a matter of time

 

 

 

I am truly smitten and in love.

 

I was stating that I wouldn't give up on love if we broke up. I believe there are more than one great love out there.

[Chocolat]

Leigh, you are all over the place. in Your OP you said,

 

 

 

Now lately I am feeling a lot of dread surrounding the future.

...

At first I was fine with my boyfriends disability but now I realise that my bf has VERY limited employment prospects.

...

I am not comfortable with the idea of having to support him

 

I AM NOT aiming for a professional career of my dreams JUST to "get by".

 

8 or 9 pages later (and after some chastising from posters here), you are now saying

 

 

If push comes to shove, I would support my boyfriend if something happened to him where he couldn't work at all. I love him enough.

...

I don't truly think I need once yearly travel once I get a professional job.

...

I am just really savvy at living frugly, I love life when I eat at home, don't go out... spend time with bf and my friends for my entertainment, at home, without lavish dinners/lunches/brunches out.

...

 

I have a feeling that my hard work and dedication to my honours degree and volunteer work in my field will ....suffice.

 

I truly would give up overseas travel for my partner, if it came to that, but I would likely compromise; I would travel every 4 years with him as a family opposed to my high flying life I thought I would get.......

 

First of all, you need to figure out what you want. Then, you need to have a conversation with your bf.

 

Keep in mind though that financial security is not guaranteed to any of us. Spouses get sick, have accidents, lose jobs, die... Giving up an otherwise healthy, loving, R to chase money is a mistake, imo.. YMMV.

[Keenly]

So how long will you be stringing him along for ?

[Leigh 87]

I don't string guys along. I'm a good person.

 

I simply don't want kids if we will be poor.

 

for the millionth time.

 

 

 

 

 

Believe it or not, I have had well off, decent men fall in love with me and I ended it with him. I just couldn't get feelings for him.

 

 

I am not an unattractive non intelligent woman with a bad personality. I actually have decent men to choose from. I chose my boyfriend because he was different and he stood out chemistry wise and he seemed like a really good person.

 

 

People who think I want to upgrade are delusional. I already have the options of normal, decent men with jobs.

 

When I met my boyfriend I he WAS normal and decent and I couldn't see anything wrong with him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am dealing with a man that has a disability, I am a very nice person and your lack of support and you alluding to me being a bad person who uses people is disgusting.

[atlg8r]

I don't string guys along. I'm a good person.

 

I simply don't want kids if we will be poor.

 

for the millionth time.

 

Believe it or not, I have had well off, decent men fall in love with me and I ended it with him. I just couldn't get feelings for him.

 

I am not an unattractive non intelligent woman with a bad personality. I actually have decent men to choose from. I chose my boyfriend because he was different and he stood out chemistry wise and he seemed like a really good person.

 

People who think I want to upgrade are delusional. I already have the options of normal, decent men with jobs.

 

When I met my boyfriend I he WAS normal and decent and I couldn't see anything wrong with him.

 

I am dealing with a man that has a disability, I am a very nice person and your lack of support and you alluding to me being a bad person who uses people is disgusting.

 

I've been there. I dated a guy with a chronic illness who was up for awhile and working normally, but then would mysteriously get sick again and call in to work multiple days. I knew I could never rely on him for steady income if I stayed with him. Some people just aren't cut out to deal with that, especially if you're only dating. It's different if you fall in love, get married and then something happens to your husband.

 

Don't let people make you feel bad about it. It's just who you are.

[Chocolat]

When I met my boyfriend I he WAS normal and decent and I couldn't see anything wrong with him.

 

You said in your OP:

 

It took me until the end of our first date, about 6 hours, for me to even notice [his disability] though.

 

 

Look, rather than back-tracking and justifying yourself to people on an anonymous forum, just figure out what you actually want and then have a frank discussion with your bf.

 

In the end, it doesn't matter what we think or what we would do. You are the only person living your life, although I do think that your bf deserves to know what you are thinking, particularly since you knew about his disability at the onset, so he may well think it is a non-issue at this point.

[Leigh 87]

You guys are awful.

 

 

I am an extremely generous and kind person. Dealing with a person you love having a disability was starting to scare me.

 

 

What if he wanted kids even if we both have low incomes? All the love in the world won't make me willingly have kids if me and my partner have low incomes.

 

 

 

That isn't a bad thing and people need to stop telling me what I think.

 

 

I don't use people or string them along. Or I would have kept dating the guy who fell in love with me who spent THOUSANDS of dollars on me. I loved him as a person and it was a are of meeting a wonderful person who you assumed the chemistry would grow with.

 

The second I knew the chemistry and my romantic feelings would grow.. I left him.

 

 

 

 

 

I have never and will never string a man along once I know I'm just not crazy enough a out them.

 

 

 

Not wanting to have kids on two low incomes is sensible. Not a bad thing at all.

 

 

. There is no need to tell me how I feel. I know how I feel about him

 

 

I am trying to come to terms with his limitations

[Leigh 87]

You said in your OP:

 

 

 

 

Look, rather than back-tracking and justifying yourself to people on an anonymous forum, just figure out what you actually want and then have a frank discussion with your bf.

 

In the end, it doesn't matter what we think or what we would do. You are the only person living your life, although I do think that your bf deserves to know what you are thinking, particularly since you knew about his disability at the onset, so he may well think it is a non-issue at this point.

 

 

 

 

 

Of course i have talked to my bf about this.

 

He said it was a non issue, he had no doubt he'd find a way to earn an average income. He also refuses to have kids if we are both low income earner I the future.

 

I have voiced my concerns. He understands that is is difficult for me to think about his disability.

 

Lastly, I didn't know his memory loss would affect his employment prospects so much as he was full of confidence and he sounded like he was perfectly fine. He does sound fine. I didn't see the disability from the outset. I had no idea how badly it affected his income. ........

[Keenly]

You have already decided in your own mind that you don't want what he wants, and your not comfortable living the lifestyle you'd have to live long term with him.

 

 

So , now that you have already made the decision in your own mind that you two are not long term compatible, I'll ask you again....

 

How long do you plan on stringing him along for?

 

Its not fair to him to remain with him when you know on the back of your mind you will not be happy in the future. There is nothing wrong with it, just don't make the selfish decision of keeping him around because you like the company, but you know inside it won't last.

 

 

There is nothing wrong with feeling how you feel. Its your next step that determines whether or not you are behaving in a less than fair manner with regards to him and his future.

[Leigh 87]

My top priority now is getting good grades and securing as much volunteer work in my field as possible.

 

I want to help my bf do what he needs to do in order to obtain employment or further his prospects.

 

I told him everything is okay. I will help him and support him while he helps himself. I told him that I was very worried about having kids with him because due to my age and the age I will finish my degree, we would still both be poor if we were to have kids.

 

He agreed with me that we both needed at least average incomes if we are to have kids.

 

I have no need to worry further unless he one day pushes me to have his kids if we are low income earners.

[Leigh 87]

You have already decided in your own mind that you don't want what he wants, and your not comfortable living the lifestyle you'd have to live long term with him.

 

 

So , now that you have already made the decision in your own mind that you two are not long term compatible, I'll ask you again....

 

How long do you plan on stringing him along for?

 

Its not fair to him to remain with him when you know on the back of your mind you will not be happy in the future. There is nothing wrong with it, just don't make the selfish decision of keeping him around because you like the company, but you know inside it won't last.

 

 

There is nothing wrong with feeling how you feel. Its your next step that determines whether or not you are behaving in a less than fair manner with regards to him and his future.

 

 

 

I truly love him enough to travel less in the future and even have kids with him.

 

I genuinely think we will be happy.

 

I have thought about things and he is worth more than frequent overseas travel and all that stuff.

 

THAT said. ... i don't want to totally abandon my life long dreams. I am willing to compromise because being with him makes me very happy.

 

It is pretty much the having kids if we are low income earners that would be the only deal breaker.

 

If I get good grades and volunteer in my field often then I should have no problem securing a professional job one day and travelling overseas every now and again. Even with a low income earner.

 

It is just having kids if we were both low income earners is highly unappealing.

 

I have someone that is far to special to let go unless there was a good chance email that he'd ruin my hopes and dreams..... of travelling overseas again and rescuing dogs.

[J21]

You guys are awful.

 

 

I am an extremely generous and kind person. Dealing with a person you love having a disability was starting to scare me.

 

 

What if he wanted kids even if we both have low incomes? All the love in the world won't make me willingly have kids if me and my partner have low incomes.

 

 

 

That isn't a bad thing and people need to stop telling me what I think.

 

 

I don't use people or string them along. Or I would have kept dating the guy who fell in love with me who spent THOUSANDS of dollars on me. I loved him as a person and it was a are of meeting a wonderful person who you assumed the chemistry would grow with.

 

The second I knew the chemistry and my romantic feelings would grow.. I left him.

 

 

 

 

 

I have never and will never string a man along once I know I'm just not crazy enough a out them.

 

 

 

Not wanting to have kids on two low incomes is sensible. Not a bad thing at all.

 

 

. There is no need to tell me how I feel. I know how I feel about him

 

 

I am trying to come to terms with his limitations

 

OP, I think we are just brutally honest, not awful. .. ok maybe some are

 

Personally, I think you are a kind hearted person, but several strangers that have no affiliation to your situation assessed your situation the same way.

 

I understand what was said aren't necessarily something you wanted to hear (or was said as nicely as it could have been). But the fact of the matter is you guys are not compatible completely long term. You want to travel the world, take in stray dogs, and not have kids potentially. Your bf doesn't care much for travelling and he wants kids (although he says he doesn't if you guys guys aren't well off).

 

You've already compared yourself to your friend who will be able to do all that and more--and you guys aren't even married! Imagine how much you would think about that if u were. Let's be honest... all the more!

[Gaeta]

I did not read the whole thread and I just want to address the children.

 

Leigh: Whether you have money or not, at the moment you have children you have to forget about life as you've known it up till that moment. Having children to please a mate, or 'if we can afford it' like it's no bigger deal than changing a car, is not a good reason enough to bring children into this life.

 

No matter how financially secure you will be you will STILL be losing major sleep the first 3 years, your life will revolve around diaper rashes, teething, ear infections, colic. Your home will never be clean as you've once known it, everyone of your blouse will have vomit stains on them, one time out of 2 you won't be able to find a babysitter and I am not going into how your body will change and it will never respond again to your efforts the way it used to before babies.

 

To have children you have to be Passionate!!! about wanting them.

 

I think you should really REALLY rethink having children.

[Leigh 87]

OP, I think we are just brutally honest, not awful. .. ok maybe some are

 

Personally, I think you are a kind hearted person, but several strangers that have no affiliation to your situation assessed your situation the same way.

 

I understand what was said aren't necessarily something you wanted to hear (or was said as nicely as it could have been). But the fact of the matter is you guys are not compatible completely long term. You want to travel the world, take in stray dogs, and not have kids potentially. Your bf doesn't care much for travelling and he wants kids (although he says he doesn't if you guys guys aren't well off).

 

You've already compared yourself to your friend who will be able to do all that and more--and you guys aren't even married! Imagine how much you would think about that if u were. Let's be honest... all the more!

 

 

 

The only thing that bothers me is the having children if we are both on low incomes.

 

I'm a positive person and I'd take everything in stride. Travel less, etc.

 

I think we are compatible my he says he doesn't want kids if we are both on low incomes.

[Shepp]

I am an only child though and I have no desire to have a family of my own, unless I meet a man like my current partner who adores me and etc AND he will be able to help me provide for them.

I don't want kids enough to live poorly for them.

 

I think this is your problem in the relationship, not his memory!

 

 

Having kids FOR someone else is never a good reason!

Have you seen the friends episode where Richards like "If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is. If I have to I’ll, I’ll do all again , the 4 o’clock feeds thing, coaching the soccer team, the parents nights!"

And "she's like are you sure?" and he goes " Yeah, if I have to. I don’t wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then Yeah."

And she's like "that would be great if you hadn’t of said ’if I have to’ like twenty times"

Thats like this, however much you love someone you can't have kids just to make them happy...it's not fair on the kid!

 

You can totally make kids on a low income work if you both want them and that's what you want your life about! You can't make kids work on a huge income if your hearts not in it! Even if you earn enought to take them abroad twice a year, most of the time it'll still be the daily grind - the sicking up the bottle you just gave them, the not sleeping through the night, the pack lunch making, the school runs, the 'don't kick your brother for the 100th time', the teenage years.

 

Now don't get me wrong I love my boys to peices, being a dad is the best thing in my life, I want to have more kids once were married! I'm up for all that. But I've always wanted kids! Can you genuinely say your up for all that whatever direction your life takes, whether you win the lottery on their 5th birthday or you lose your job on their 9th?

 

I'm not trying to talk you out of it, I'm just saying if your considering having kids make sure you really really want that lifetime, 24/7 commitment to another human being, forever, unconditionally!

 

 

My fiancées dad, he was the breadwinner, her mum wanted kids and so they had my fiancée. She was never close to her dad but her mum did. Most of the bringing up, her mum died when she was 13 - her dad, quit work, got depressed, didn't look after her didn't even look out for her. I think their relationship hurt her almost as much as her mums death did!

 

I'm NOT, in anyway comparing you to her dad, I'm sure you wouldn't do that, you'd step up, he's a waste of space, I'm just saying that if life had continued to be plain sailing for them, he'd of kept working she'd of been brought up by her mum, it would all of been fine, but just Cause you start off in a great place, say you can you bf both in high paying jobs, doesn't mean it'll stay that way (touch wood it does) but you'll have to be sure you can cope if suddenly it doesn't, if suddenly you can't afford your Botox or our holidays or whatever!

 

 

Im not telling you what to do - Just something to consider if you get to the point of deciding whether or not to have kids together

Edited April 17, 2014 by Shepp

[Leigh 87]

I did not read the whole thread and I just want to address the children.

 

Leigh: Whether you have money or not, at the moment you have children you have to forget about life as you've known it up till that moment. Having children to please a mate, or 'if we can afford it' like it's no bigger deal than changing a car, is not a good reason enough to bring children into this life.

 

No matter how financially secure you will be you will STILL be losing major sleep the first 3 years, your life will revolve around diaper rashes, teething, ear infections, colic. Your home will never be clean as you've once known it, everyone of your blouse will have vomit stains on them, one time out of 2 you won't be able to find a babysitter and I am not going into how your body will change and it will never respond again to your efforts the way it used to before babies.

 

To have children you have to be Passionate!!! about wanting them.

 

I think you should really REALLY rethink having children.

 

 

Just because I am not passionate doesn't mean I won't be once I had one or two.

 

It is just the financial side. ... i need to ensure I get my degree and make enough money to compensate for his low income.

 

If I can't he has assured me that he doesn't want kids enough to have them if we would struggle financially.

 

I don't are about what it does to your body. If I have them I know they'd be worth it.

 

I would prefer not to have kids but I love my bf enough to have his child if we are financially secure by age 34 ish

 

My own mum don't want kids until age 32. She is a fantastic mother. She was never maternal until 10 years after marrying my father.

 

I could change my mind about kids but I would prefer not to have them. ...

[Iguanna]

This thread is so weird. She makes a thread expressing all the negative sides of her staying with her bf, then when people tell her that the right thing to do is break up with him and find someone who she is more compatible with in general she starts defending him and her relationship as if we (the strangers) are the ones who will decide whether she'll break up with him or not. Plus, we are the awful people for agreeing with what she said herself in the first place.

[Leigh 87]

This thread is so weird. She makes a thread expressing all the negative sides of her staying with her bf, then when people tell her that the right thing to do is break up with him and find someone who she is more compatible with in general she starts defending him and her relationship as if we (the strangers) are the ones who will decide whether she'll break up with him or not. Plus, we are the awful people for agreeing with what she said herself in the first place.

 

 

 

 

I love him enough to sacrifice my dreams. Some of them. ..

 

 

I have decided having kids on low incomes is the only thing that'd truly make me unhappy.

 

 

I would rather have a dedicated partner who adores me and who I am totally in love with than material things. I have decided that since thinking things through.

 

 

I won't however, willingly have children with this ma if we are on low incomes. That is the only live I will draw. He knows this is a deal breaker.