My Boyfriend Has a Disability

[iris219]

That's what I want to do.

 

But I feel guilt knowing he wants kids when I DEFINITELY do not.....

 

Have you told him you definitely do not want children?

 

This is a bigger issue, IMO, than the financial one. Tell him and let him decide if he wants to just have fun with you rather than a serious relationship that can lead somewhere.

 

Edit: Wait. I just read that he doesn't know if he wants to kids. Does he or doesn't he?

[Leigh 87]

Have you told him you definitely do not want children?

 

This is a bigger issue, IMO, than the financial one. Tell him and let him decide if he wants to just have fun with you rather than a serious relationship that can lead somewhere.

 

Edit: Wait. I just read that he doesn't know if he wants to kids. Does he or doesn't he?

 

 

 

He really wants a boy. If he has a girl he'll try for 1 or 2 more times even......

 

sigh.

 

We are so effortlessly in love and things seemed too good to be true. My family all comment on the way he looks at me. He is wonderful.

 

I don't give a crap about his income. I would have happily been the breadwinner one day.

 

I HATE the idea of having children with a passion.

 

I have always been a little different. I've always known kids were not on the cards.

 

We are actually deciding what to do right now.

[Leigh 87]

He says he wouldn't be ... totally devastated and hate his life if he didn't have kids. I took that to mean he'd rather be with me and SANS kids.

 

My conscience is speaking louder than the immediate comfort and joy he brings me. I feel the need to.... not hold him back in life.

 

[Leigh 87]

He said......

 

 

He only wants a child if he earns a good income. He genuily believes he will earn a good income.

 

He says he hates the idea of having a child if we would struggle.

 

He says if the money things just don't happen for him financially then he won't be phased about not having a child.

 

He doesn't want kids badly enough to have them if he cant well afford it.

[MidwestUSA]

I haven't seen this addressed, Leigh, so I'll ask.

 

It's rare to have a stroke at the age he did. Is there a chance of another in the future? Is he being monitored/followed by doctors?

 

 

If so, any thought to having children would be with the knowledge that you could end up being the sole caretaker. In fact, you could end up taking care of him as well.

[Leigh 87]

I haven't seen this addressed, Leigh, so I'll ask.

 

It's rare to have a stroke at the age he did. Is there a chance of another in the future? Is he being monitored/followed by doctors?

 

 

If so, any thought to having children would be with the knowledge that you could end up being the sole caretaker. In fact, you could end up taking care of him as well.

 

 

 

 

His mums a doctor and she insists he's not at a higher risk than any of us are.

[MidwestUSA]

His mums a doctor and she insists he's not at a higher risk than any of us are.

 

That's good to know. One less thing you have to think about. Good luck!

[Leigh 87]

That's good to know. One less thing you have to think about. Good luck!

 

 

And IF.... when I graduate I get a job soon after and I am not unemployed for years..

 

And IF he starts to earn more money/ opens a café (his dad would help him, he has money and is retired)

 

IF.... I then got pregnant in my mid to late 30's, my boyfriends mother is a doctor and she told him that she would give him AND me free genetic testing, in order to gauge how high the risk is for any potential baby. Obviously she attends to all his medical needs free of charge!

[Leigh 87]

Anyways. His dad rang me today. He was a banker and earned a good income and is now retired.

I voiced my concerns to him. Since his dad essentially helps my bf look after a lot of his affairs.

His dad said I have legitimate concerns and he will have a talk about it with my bf in the coming days, and when I next visit him he will have a talk about it, with me and my bf.

 

At least my bf has declared, on his own accord, that "he will NEVER have children on a low income, or even a medium income if it meant we wouldn't have anything extra besides looking after a child"

He refuses to struggle in life financially so yeah. Good to know he isn't THAT hell bent on being a father, that he will have a child, at all costs, even if he remains low income.

To give you an idea.... if he were to work nearly full time at his chef job, he would get about 800 a week (Including his pension)

So unless he opens a café or pizzeria, he is stuck on less than 30K a year for life.....

I will graduate early 30's, could very likely not find work for a year or two, and when I DO find work I could also get a lowly paid temp job for years, and not even get a career orientated job until age 38 - 40.

My bf doesn't GET the implications of remaining with me, a fellow low income earner for the foreseeable future.

Frankly, since he would love to have a child, he is better off finding a girl with her sh*t together, who can provide enough income for a child.

I swears he doesn't WANT a child if he is not earning a good income.

He cannot see that it is VERY unlikely that he will never earn a good income, which is fine by me, but he simply cannot support a child on it, NOT with a woman like me who is going to be a mature aged college grad.

 

Regarding kids, can't people see this is a HUGE concern? A legitimate one?

 

I do not want kids to begin with, much less on average wages or, in our case, LOW wages.

He SAYS he doesn't want kids unless he earns a good income but come on, we all know if his desire for kids is great enough he will still want a child even with low incomes.....

[Gaeta]

I am sorry but he doesn't sound like he wants children for the right reasons. If all people waited to be financially secure to make babies half of us would not be here today. You make children because you want children, period. No matter if you earn 50k or 150k per year.

[Titania22]

I am sorry but he doesn't sound like he wants children for the right reasons. If all people waited to be financially secure to make babies half of us would not be here today. You make children because you want children, period. No matter if you earn 50k or 150k per year.

 

You say that like it would be a bad thing.

[Gaeta]

No it's not a bad thing but it's usually an excuse or a dream half understood.

 

Most people are not financially stable when they get married. The average age for financial stability is between 40 and 45.

 

We've been making children for thousands of years, children need love, attention, and guidance. They don't need bmw at the door and designer name clothes.

 

My parents both have a grade 6th, they raised us on very modest mean, they taught us respect, loyalty, and hard work, they gave us the most important gift from parents: their time and attention. That you can give and teach your chilren on a trucker's salary like my dad. We all went to University, we paid our own way there, because we were taught hard work.

 

When I married I was 20, my husband was a private in the army, we lived on 30k a year. We had our daughter and she never lacked anything.

[Titania22]

No it's not a bad thing but it's usually an excuse or a dream half understood.

 

Most people are not financially stable when they get married. The average age for financial stability is between 40 and 45.

 

We've been making children for thousands of years, children need love, attention, and guidance. They don't need bmw at the door and designer name clothes.

 

My parents both have a grade 6th, they raised us on very modest mean, they taught us respect, loyalty, and hard work, they gave us the most important gift from parents: their time and attention. That you can give and teach your chilren on a trucker's salary like my dad. We all went to University, we paid our own way there, because we were taught hard work.

 

When I married I was 20, my husband was a private in the army, we lived on 30k a year. We had our daughter and she never lacked anything.

 

I agree, that most people are raised in tight financial circumstances, and it's been that way since the start of human civilisation.

 

But we are not in the past anymore, we can't keep procreating like there is endless space and resources. If people want to put off having children indefinitely for whatever reason, that benefits everyone, i.e. all the humans that already are alive currently. We shouldn't make people feel bad about that.

[Gaeta]

I agree, that most people are raised in tight financial circumstances, and it's been that way since the start of human civilisation.

 

But we are not in the past anymore, we can't keep procreating like there is endless space and resources. If people want to put off having children indefinitely for whatever reason, that benefits everyone, i.e. all the humans that already are alive currently. We shouldn't make people feel bad about that.

 

That was not meant to make the OP feel bad.

 

And this is not about being in the past either. There will always be recessions, they come back each 7 years, it's a cycle we won't get out of. We always plan to put so much money aside but how many time we did, How many time did you make a budget and no unexpected expenses surprised you? Never, there will always be the unexpected that will come and screw up your perfect plan.

 

If you want children and you want all the stars to be aligned a certain way, you may never have them.

[Leigh 87]

I don't want children enough to be poor due to having them.

 

in Australia, 60% of uni graduates get full time employment within 6 months post grad....

32K is Australian minimum wage.

 

I am doing volunteer work from year one of my degree plus I think I will get some good marks - I think there is a chance I will get a job with in a year of graduating.

I will be 31 when I graduate - even under these robust post recession figures, we ALL know that graduating and having your first professional job at age 31 will LIKELY mean having a poor income if you have kids.

We ALL know that graduating at age 31 means I will NOT be able to have kids AND ever travel overseas again, not to mention do any of the things I had dreams of doing.

 

I don't want kids to begin with. Much less have kids in near poverty, which I am sorry, most newly graduated 31 year olds will be in.. utter poverty or near that line (and that is without children quiet frankly).

If I AM LUCKY I will be able to just get by, and save for overseas travel occasionally.

The ship has sailed for me to have a child and still be able to do anything BUT raise the child.

 

I think I am being very sensible.

 

Based on my current situation. I think it is admirable how I was a high school stoner drop out and I since have went back to school as a mature aged adult and I am following my dreams.

As proud as I am of myself for turning my life around in appositive direction, I accept that here are limitations due to my later start in life.

Having kids, as a mature adult who gets her professional career started later in life, will likely mean bringing a child up in near poverty. ANYONE who knows anything about how the world works SHOULD KNOW this is just a fact.

 

 

 

 

 

I am VERY okay with him being a low income earner.

 

I refuse to EVER have children as a low income earner.

 

I would not even be excited about having children with a high income earner, much less having children with a joint low income.

[Titania22]

 

in Australia, 60% of uni graduates get full time employment within 6 months post grad....

32K is Australian minimum wage.

 

 

I am curious about this statistic. Where did it come from Leigh? And are graduates getting work in their fields, or is it any work, i.e. a large number of them could be taking any work, such as McDonalds.

[Leigh 87]

I am curious about this statistic. Where did it come from Leigh? And are graduates getting work in their fields, or is it any work, i.e. a large number of them could be taking any work, such as McDonalds.

 

 

 

I have a good friend doing a social science degree.

 

It is a 3 year easy degree, no math or hard classes.

 

Well, she is walking into a job just through doing a few months of voluntary work! And the company is going to pay her an above average wage!

 

Yes she is good looking but not THAT much better looking than me, if you get me....

 

I told her that I was ASTOUNDED with her level of luck!

 

She retorted back with " well it is not THAT uncommon, many students end up with jobs"

 

She then gave me the facts and figures that I just laid out for you.

[BC1980]

You basically just don't want kids no matter what. There's nothing wrong with that except for the fact that your BF does. I think the money issue is somewhat of a red herring.

[Chocolat]

To give you an idea.... if he were to work nearly full time at his chef job, he would get about 800 a week (Including his pension)

So unless he opens a café or pizzeria, he is stuck on less than 30K a year for life.....

 

800/week = 41,600/year.

 

 

Regarding kids, can't people see this is a HUGE concern? A legitimate one?

 

Yes. You don't want kids, your bf does. It's a mismatch and the R will likely be damaged (best case) or doomed (worst case) if either of you changes position for the other.

 

I do not want kids to begin with

 

There is no reason to bring a child into the world unless s/he is fully wanted. And you've been quite clear that you do not want a child.

 

 

I have a good friend doing a social science degree.

 

...

 

She then gave me the facts and figures that I just laid out for you.

 

If you want facts, you need to do some research into credible sources. Here is a good place to start: Social Workers - Job Outlook

[Leigh 87]

My boyfriend has longer than usual holidays.

 

He doesn't not get paid for 52 weeks of the year.

[Leigh 87]

And thanks for that website, but my friend has only done a social science degree, which is not as long as a social work degree.

 

You can do quiet well for yourself long term if you are childless and live within your means.

I already know that senior social workers with years of experience get 80K plus.

Many case worker positions start at 65 K.

It IS a 4 year degree, where as most Australian degrees are only 3 years.

Yet she is walking into a 60 K a year job. Just for doing a few months of voluntary work. Like WTF?

 

My partner will likely remain low income, with me, a few years after my degree, with crawl my way to median income territory......

One low plus one medium income is not enough for me to agree to have his kids...

[Leigh 87]

Anyways I am going to stop posting in this thread as I have come to my own conclusion.

 

I am very much in love with my boyfriend and feel like we are totally devoted to each other, even people around us comment on how they can just SEE it by looking at us.

 

He doesn't want kids badly enough to have them unless he has a good income. He has a bad short term memory but he is intelligent, if there is a will there is a way.

If he were to earn a lot of money I'd have a child in my late 30's, since fertility treatment will be more advanced in ten plus years time...

Neither of us want children enough to have them in the current climate without good jobs, of which I may have secured by my early 40's or late 30's possibly, since their is a very good outlook for my field in the next 5 plus years...

 

Wish us luck, thanks for those who showed empathy for my difficult situation, I had to deal with his memory loss but after putting it out there I feel much better.

 

If you don't have anything to say don't say it thanks, aside from that, thanks to those who commented with positive and constructive feedback.

[iiiii]

I understand about having things that are more important to you than having children.

 

Some people would go to any length to have a family. But for me, if having kids meant that I likely would not be able to travel anymore, had to give up my career, or could not be financially secure, then I would not choose to have a child.

 

I hope it works out for you and your boyfriend. It's really difficult when you both have different ideas about what you want your futures to hold.

[MidwestUSA]

 

Yes she is good looking but not THAT much better looking than me, if you get me....

 

 

I DON'T get you, so if you come back, maybe you can expound on this a little?

[Keenly]

 

If you don't have anything to say don't say it thanks.

 

 

 

Haha, okay. I'll do that