Will space make her realize?

[jerryh]

anyone else with anything to add, would appreciate all and any advice and opinions?

[NomiMalone]

Jerry,

 

I don't think she changed her mind. To me, it sounded like it was just an emotionally charged drunken moment of weakness, and that no more should be read into it, and in sobriety she came back to her senses.

 

It seems like she developed a case of "grass is greener" for the single life. These things just happen unfortunately, and it sucks. But it sounds like you're doing all the right things for yourself in terms of self improvement, such as getting a job and running daily. You also seem very self aware and mature, having reflected on things on your side that contributed to the end of your relationship.*You should be proud of yourself.

 

Re NC: there's no hard and fast rule stating it's the dumpee who has to initiate it. The purpose of NC is for healing and moving on, and both parties need that, irrespective of who broke up with who. In my case, although I ended things with my man, I still love him deeply. Due to some of his actions that I deemed unacceptable, I felt I was left with no choice but to end it and tear myself away from him. Like I mentioned, I requested NC but so far he hasn't complied, so I can't answer your question properly.*He texts me frequently to tell me he misses me and to entice me out on dates, and I always reply a kind but firm no. It absolutely breaks my heart because I'd love nothing more than to see him. Today he pretty much stated in no unclear terms that he would like us to be together, but that he wasn't going to stop doing the things he did that hurt me. And so similarly in no unclear terms, I replied that reconciliation was not on the cards, and to please respect my need for space to accept my loss and move forward.

 

Sorry to hear about her holiday. I can see why it'd upset you. Why don't you should treat yourself to something nice as well?*

[jerryh]

Im sorry i seem to be coming across as a very needy emotional person but im not just when its bad its really bad, this along with many personal family problems is beginning to take its toll. I suppose i was just happy to be filled with hope, even if it was false hope. I just dont get why she would complain how crap her life has been and how she really missed me, and then go back to being cold and not talking to me the next? Im fixing all my problems, maybe after her holiday she will see more clearly? As she would have really lived a week of the single life then? I really fell sorry for your situation, it seems like you want nothing more than to be together with your ex and to be happy. Is it stubbornness or is it something he really cant change do you mind me asking? Surely with good communication and working together yee could fix it? especially when there is both still so much love, which sadly i think is non existent with my ex. Ah yes im t hinking a holiday or going to a match abroad but really dont know atm.

[jerryh]

Im just thinking for the last three months i minimized contact and shot down ideas from her to do different stuff mainly due to the stress of my finals although she would complain of how boring it was to be sitting around , We fought a bit through this over stupid things, and i cut contact very extremely the last month, she cried so much how she wanted to see me and be together and i would oblige but then leave early cos id have to study, could this cause falling out of love?

[justletgo07]

Im just thinking for the last three months i minimized contact and shot down ideas from her to do different stuff mainly due to the stress of my finals although she would complain of how boring it was to be sitting around , We fought a bit through this over stupid things, and i cut contact very extremely the last month, she cried so much how she wanted to see me and be together and i would oblige but then leave early cos id have to study, could this cause falling out of love?

 

Best not to over think it. If you had both been in the same spot with the relationship I doubt your finals would have been a huge problem. It seems breaking up with you was something she was thinking about for some time before she did it. You seem like a nice guy, and plenty of people stay with and remain in love with people who treat them horribly, so I doubt it was really something you did. Sometimes feelings just change, and it seems like she is struggling with that reality just like you are.

 

Own any mistakes you may have made, and be honest with yourself about them, but don't dwell on them or get stuck playing the "what if" game. There's just no way to know how things might have gone had you done X, Y, or Z differently. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, and one of you (her) no longer wants to put in the effort to do so.

[jerryh]

Best not to over think it. If you had both been in the same spot with the relationship I doubt your finals would have been a huge problem. It seems breaking up with you was something she was thinking about for some time before she did it. You seem like a nice guy, and plenty of people stay with and remain in love with people who treat them horribly, so I doubt it was really something you did. Sometimes feelings just change, and it seems like she is struggling with that reality just like you are.

 

Own any mistakes you may have made, and be honest with yourself about them, but don't dwell on them or get stuck playing the "what if" game. There's just no way to know how things might have gone had you done X, Y, or Z differently. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, and one of you (her) no longer wants to put in the effort to do so.

 

ya i know i shouldnt dwell and that no good will come from it, but literally a week before the breakup she broke down crying to her friends when i couldnt meet her cause she only wanted to see me. I just want my old life back, i think she does too, not the crap 3 last months but i may never get the chance now!

[NomiMalone]

Don't feel bad, it's normal to feel this way post break up. You're already doing well if you've managed to go running every day! You'll have your good days and bad days, so be kind and patient with yourself. With*NC, clarity will come to you bit by bit.

 

She said those things because they were real and true - yes she misses you, her grief is making her life crap. (I say this because I feel all these things towards my man even though I too, was the one who walked away.) They were only breadcrumbs. Do not break NC. Keep doing what you've been doing to move on. For the sake of your own healing, don't count on her coming back. It sounds like you may still be going through the denial phase of your loss which is perfectly normal. Once you come to accept that the relationship is over, true healing will take place. For that acceptance to take place however, you'll first have to come to terms with the fact that you may never truly figure out "why", and this can be one of the most difficult part about the break up. Like justletgo said, the only fact that remains relevant is that she's no longer interested.

 

Thanks for your thoughts on my situation - unfortunately his actions I find unacceptable are drug/dealing/secrecy/lies related. He's already made it clear he's not going to change, even in the face of a break up, so simply working it out would be futile when he won't come to the table. I deserve better, and I also have no right to stay given our incompatibilities.

[jerryh]

Don't feel bad, it's normal to feel this way post break up. You're already doing well if you've managed to go running every day! You'll have your good days and bad days, so be kind and patient with yourself. With*NC, clarity will come to you bit by bit.

 

She said those things because they were real and true - yes she misses you, her grief is making her life crap. (I say this because I feel all these things towards my man even though I too, was the one who walked away.) They were only breadcrumbs. Do not break NC. Keep doing what you've been doing to move on. For the sake of your own healing, don't count on her coming back. It sounds like you may still be going through the denial phase of your loss which is perfectly normal. Once you come to accept that the relationship is over, true healing will take place. For that acceptance to take place however, you'll first have to come to terms with the fact that you may never truly figure out "why", and this can be one of the most difficult part about the break up. Like justletgo said, the only fact that remains relevant is that she's no longer interested.

 

Thanks for your thoughts on my situation - unfortunately his actions I find unacceptable are drug/dealing/secrecy/lies related. He's already made it clear he's not going to change, even in the face of a break up, so simply working it out would be futile when he won't come to the table. I deserve better, and I also have no right to stay given our incompatibilities.

 

I just wake up some mornings full of hope thinking she will come back, then some others where i know she never will and i find it all too much to take. Im having some really good days where i dont seem to care and then some awful ones where all i do is sit around and think about her. Like could she have confused her feelings because she was bored with our daily non changing routine? i wanted to bring the excitement back but it was too late sadly. Im doing my best with no contact but its really hurting me, especially since she seems to want it more then me, does she want it to get over me or is she already? She only lets her guard down drunk which is upsetting because she can then discredit it the next day. like she is on a holiday now, she wouldnt be thinking about me or us wouldnt she not? i know it was the last few months but i felt i had to and i just needed her support, which she couldnt offer. I just still crazy about her but suppose if its that easy to fall out of love like she did i will too.

Im very sorry to hear that, you seem a great person and is deserving of much more. If i was him i would make all them changes not just for you, but for myself because you really do care and only want what best for him, it seems. i suppose we dont know what will happen.

[NomiMalone]

It doesn't matter anymore whether it was boredom that drove her away. All that matters now is that she's parted ways and you need to accept that and move on too, in your own time. Sorry that this is so harsh. This is what I have to do too. And thank you for the kind words, by the way. Your descriptions of how you're feeling also sheds some light on how my man might be thinking and feeling, especially the part where you said it hurt that your girl wanted the NC more than you do. The fact that he's so hurt is one of the things that hurt me the most, but there's nothing I can do about it. Its much kinder to be cruel and blunt, than to lead him on.

[jerryh]

It doesn't matter anymore whether it was boredom that drove her away. All that matters now is that she's parted ways and you need to accept that and move on too, in your own time. Sorry that this is so harsh. This is what I have to do too. And thank you for the kind words, by the way. Your descriptions of how you're feeling also sheds some light on how my man might be thinking and feeling, especially the part where you said it hurt that your girl wanted the NC more than you do. The fact that he's so hurt is one of the things that hurt me the most, but there's nothing I can do about it. Its much kinder to be cruel and blunt, than to lead him on.

 

Thank you i really have gotten a better understanding of the situation from your posts. Yup i know it doesnt matter, the reality is she is gone and gone six weeks now with only a drunken hiccup of regret meaning she is probably over me. This girl is stubborn and once makes a decision hard to change her mind so i know what to expect. is your ex still trying to contact you? I really understand where he is at right now, the person that loved you and always talked to you is practically gone for good, hard to get head around and really upsetting when she used to ignore my texts for the first month.

[NomiMalone]

Whether or not she's moved on is something you'll never really find out, and it's better if you don't. Have you unfollowed/unfriended her on FB and put away things that remind you of her? I think minimizing these daily reminders of them works wonders.

 

Yes, it's been 4.5 weeks and he's texted me most days, either to send a cute pic or to tell me how much I'm missed. It absolutely breaks my heart as he is a genuinely loving, sweet guy and I love him so much. I always respond as I think it'd be horrible for him to reach out and get ignored. I'll say something like, "I miss you and love you too, but perhaps space is the best thing for both of us right now." *It's so hard. Yesterday something bad happened to him and I felt I needed to break all rules and call him when it happened to ask if he was alright, and text in the late afternoon to ask how he was getting on. He said that the incident has made him realize that some things in your life you just cant control and don't choose. I knew he was alluding to us, and I just felt so sad. Because in my eyes, it was HIM who ruined our relationship by his hurtful actions that caused me to leave him.

 

Anyways, stick with the NC and remember not to be hard on yourself, and treat yourself well. It WILL get easier!

[jerryh]

Whether or not she's moved on is something you'll never really find out, and it's better if you don't. Have you unfollowed/unfriended her on FB and put away things that remind you of her? I think minimizing these daily reminders of them works wonders.

 

Yes, it's been 4.5 weeks and he's texted me most days, either to send a cute pic or to tell me how much I'm missed. It absolutely breaks my heart as he is a genuinely loving, sweet guy and I love him so much. I always respond as I think it'd be horrible for him to reach out and get ignored. I'll say something like, "I miss you and love you too, but perhaps space is the best thing for both of us right now." *It's so hard. Yesterday something bad happened to him and I felt I needed to break all rules and call him when it happened to ask if he was alright, and text in the late afternoon to ask how he was getting on. He said that the incident has made him realize that some things in your life you just cant control and don't choose. I knew he was alluding to us, and I just felt so sad. Because in my eyes, it was HIM who ruined our relationship by his hurtful actions that caused me to leave him.

 

Anyways, stick with the NC and remember not to be hard on yourself, and treat yourself well. It WILL get easier!

 

Yup i have deleted my facebook account and she doesnt use any other networking site. everything is gone except for the picture of us that i sleep beside at night, but i sleep the opposite side of the bed now. would things work out if he just backed off and gave you some space? i hope your ex is ok after his incident. I really feel sympathy with your situation but i really think in the future maybe when he realises his changes you two can be together again. I know im doing my best, would it be a bad idea to contact her mother who i was close to thanking her and her family?

[NomiMalone]

Yes! I highly recommend calling up her mum and saying that you're just touching base and wanted to thank her and her family. Its a kind gesture and im sure her family would appreciate it.*When you hang up, you'll probably feel sad and a bit empty, but it will be a step towards closure and acceptance.*

 

I dont think I'll change my mind if he gave me space. In fact, it'll simply allow me to heal and move on from him faster, as I do feel much better and more clear headed on the days in which he doesn't contact me.*Me too, I really hope he'll one day call up to tell me he's changed and would like to work things out. I'm not holding out for it though. My mum says to me that our days of singledom are our most productive days as we can truly be selfish and focus on ourselves and our goals. We should do just that!*

[jerryh]

Yes i was thinking that too just a final goodbye maybe. I have seen her in town when i was with a friend and it was just an awkward quick conversation.

 

Thats why im worried though i dont want her to forget me, she showed indifference the day we broke up, the day we met and that call all within six weeks, i dont want to let go of something fully yet, im not ready and i feel thats how your ex feels. See the thing is i always encouraged her to meet her friends over me that they were a massive part of her life before me so i stressed that importance, along with supporting her career, attending all her events and tried my best with er friends, some i didnt get on with sadly. I believe we can achieve what we want individuality in a strong relationship if we are and our partners are equally supportive of each other, sadly tbh she wasnt of me at times.

[justletgo07]

I think it would be a bad idea to contact her family. There are many threads on here where this totally backfired, even when done with the most innocent of intentions. It comes off as potentially manipulative, and she may feel like you're trying to use her family to change her mind.

 

You're still looking for ways to change her mind, even if you say you're not. It's normal, but I think ultimately you can only make things worse by reaching out to her or her family.

[jerryh]

I think it would be a bad idea to contact her family. There are many threads on here where this totally backfired, even when done with the most innocent of intentions. It comes off as potentially manipulative, and she may feel like you're trying to use her family to change her mind.

 

You're still looking for ways to change her mind, even if you say you're not. It's normal, but I think ultimately you can only make things worse by reaching out to her or her family.

 

i suppose your right, just dont want there to be any awkwardness and our mothers had become good friends from our relationship. I suppose il wait and see if i run into her and then maybe thank her, i dno.

[Simon Phoenix]

i suppose your right, just dont want there to be any awkwardness and our mothers had become good friends from our relationship. I suppose il wait and see if i run into her and then maybe thank her, i dno.

 

Don't contact the mom. Like the other poster said, it comes off as manipulative. It's her mother, not yours. I mean, if you see her around be polite and say hi, but do not involve her family members in this. That's for her to do if she chooses.

[jerryh]

Don't contact the mom. Like the other poster said, it comes off as manipulative. It's her mother, not yours. I mean, if you see her around be polite and say hi, but do not involve her family members in this. That's for her to do if she chooses.

 

ok thanks sorry dont know what came over me, just didnt want any awkwardness or conflict!

[Simon Phoenix]

ok thanks sorry dont know what came over me, just didnt want any awkwardness or conflict!

 

Yeah, you need to stop plotting and accept the break. That's the only way you can move forward.

[jerryh]

Yeah, you need to stop plotting and accept the break. That's the only way you can move forward.

 

thanks im going to try, i know plenty more hard moments to come.

[BC1980]

Yeah, you need to stop plotting and accept the break. That's the only way you can move forward.

 

Agree with this. Do you really want to be in a relationship that involves this much analyzing and plotting?

[jerryh]

hey everyone you all probably think im pathetic and weak but im going to go get some professional help. I just cant get my head round the situation and cant get how she can go without making any contact. Im in bed all day today crying all the time i cant stop, getting sick everytime i think of her and no appetite. Im usually a very strong person, so i dunno whats happening me, and im sorry for being such a wuss.

[BC1980]

It's not weak to seek professional help. You do what you feel you need to do.

[Minneloa]

hey everyone you all probably think im pathetic and weak but im going to go get some professional help. I just cant get my head round the situation and cant get how she can go without making any contact. Im in bed all day today crying all the time i cant stop, getting sick everytime i think of her and no appetite. Im usually a very strong person, so i dunno whats happening me, and im sorry for being such a wuss.

 

No need to apologize or be self-conscious, OP. You are neither pathetic nor weak. Breakups can be brutal and emotionally wrenching. I think it takes courage to reach out when you need help.

 

Sending good thoughts!

 

M.

[NomiMalone]

Hi Jerry, I think everyone else has very valid and wise points re not calling her mum. Having read them, I agree that it might be construed by her and her mum as manipulative even though it's not your motive at all and hence not the best idea. I've learnt something here too!

 

I myself did contact my guy's mum. She and I had a good relationship, and just right after we broke up, I texted her to enquire if he was doing ok. (He has severe depression, and I was genuinely concerned). She ended up calling me, and we had a good chat. The circumstances surrounding my break up though, are different to most people's, and in my case, that final phone call with his mum provided a lot of closure for me.