Author jerryh Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 I think you should ask her why, and ask her what has changed. I think you should tell her that you're not interested in going through this process again, so you'd like to know why she thinks you won't. You have the opportunity to set things at your pace. If she doesn't like it, you'll be no worse off than you are now. she said she wanted to see what it was like to be alone and she hated it and wanted me , just wants to talk tomrrow though Link to post Share on other sites
justletgo07 Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 she said she wanted to see what it was like to be alone and she hated it and wanted me , just wants to talk tomrrow though Eh, sounds iffy. I'd tread super slow on this one. Guard your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 Eh, sounds iffy. I'd tread super slow on this one. Guard your heart. ya same she isnt 100% committing at all Link to post Share on other sites
along60years Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 Based on the sound of it, she may just be getting lonely and starting to question if she exaggerated her reasons for breaking up. Take your time and make sure she isn't just experiencing some passing regret. Good luck though, you have a chance now to regain some control over your relationship dynamics. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 Yup i agree, she is leaving vague things however like your my soulmate and that she wants to get back but she scared of it failing to saying sorry for saying all that! she said she was angry that i didnt seem to want to better myself and she loves the way i have done it for myself and not for her, however i dont know whats going to happen, feeling could all end badly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 well i never believed it and saw it everywhere but didnt think this would happen, she changed her mind, kept apologizing im absolutely in bits. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 i really need someone to talk to, im in bits Link to post Share on other sites
justletgo07 Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 What happened? What did she say? What reason did she give for changing her mind again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 she said she thinks she misses me as a friend and that she cant remember saying any of it because she was drunk, but does a drunk mind not speak a sober heart?she text me saying course she still had feelings and she cared about me but didnt want to meet. i rang her told her that drunk or not you dont say them things, told her i love her, she said she is confused and wants to be alone and doesnt even want to kiss a lad from now on, so i dont know, think thats it.she told me she was so depressed last night and dreading her holiday cos she waanted to be with me, this morning shes very happy with life and so excited for the holiday? I know drunk can be a reason but it doesnt make you a complete liar surely? she kept saying she is sorry in texts, im back to NC now. Link to post Share on other sites
justletgo07 Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 she said she thinks she misses me as a friend and that she cant remember saying any of it because she was drunk, but does a drunk mind not speak a sober heart?she text me saying course she still had feelings and she cared about me but didnt want to meet. i rang her told her that drunk or not you dont say them things, told her i love her, she said she is confused and wants to be alone and doesnt even want to kiss a lad from now on, so i dont know, think thats it.she told me she was so depressed last night and dreading her holiday cos she waanted to be with me, this morning shes very happy with life and so excited for the holiday? I know drunk can be a reason but it doesnt make you a complete liar surely? she kept saying she is sorry in texts, im back to NC now. As I said yesterday, I do think she misses you, whether sober or drunk. She cares about you, misses your company, misses having you as a companion. It's just not the same as wanting to be with you, unfortunately. Alcohol doesn't make you lie, but it affects judgement and rational thinking, and I imagine once she was sober again, the reasons she broke up with you made a lot more sense. I'm sorry this happened. I can only imagine how hurt you must feel. I suggest going hard NC. Just fall off the face of the planet. She may not have intended harm with her drunken call, but it was nevertheless incredibly selfish and inconsiderate, and that's not the type of person you need in your life right now. You need to focus on you and on healing. It will likely be a long journey, but once you can put her behind you, I think you'll start to feel a little better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 As I said yesterday, I do think she misses you, whether sober or drunk. She cares about you, misses your company, misses having you as a companion. It's just not the same as wanting to be with you, unfortunately. Alcohol doesn't make you lie, but it affects judgement and rational thinking, and I imagine once she was sober again, the reasons she broke up with you made a lot more sense. I'm sorry this happened. I can only imagine how hurt you must feel. I suggest going hard NC. Just fall off the face of the planet. She may not have intended harm with her drunken call, but it was nevertheless incredibly selfish and inconsiderate, and that's not the type of person you need in your life right now. You need to focus on you and on healing. It will likely be a long journey, but once you can put her behind you, I think you'll start to feel a little better. Yup no contact from here all the way out now. She was stating that she been thinking like this all breakup and never stopped loving me. She really messed with my head and for that i can never forgive her. It hurts alot but beginning to see she isnt worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Valaro Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 wow. Man I feel so bad for you. Shes messed you about to no end. As much as I want the girl of my dreams back right now, this girl has just messed you about nonstop. Please find the will to move on. Remember. Unless she says i want you back and i ****ed up over text or a call, don't go with the "I wanna talk" approach as that didnt work. I'm sorry for what you've been through and I wish you all the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 wow. Man I feel so bad for you. Shes messed you about to no end. As much as I want the girl of my dreams back right now, this girl has just messed you about nonstop. Please find the will to move on. Remember. Unless she says i want you back and i ****ed up over text or a call, don't go with the "I wanna talk" approach as that didnt work. I'm sorry for what you've been through and I wish you all the best! yup and you know what i read all stories about this happening to others lads, and i go at least she will never do this to me she is different, but none of them are. She has literally been playing with my heartstrings. i am, i still have hope and hopefully will see them words you said from her one day, i think i will but for now i need space, im crushed. Thanks mate i wish you the best of luck too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 19, 2013 Author Share Posted July 19, 2013 Im think im going through the hatred stage, i woke up this morning with alot of anger and will never accept contact of her again. Link to post Share on other sites
Love...a miracle Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 Im think im going through the hatred stage, i woke up this morning with alot of anger and will never accept contact of her again. I have a simple way of looking at the hope of a second chance: imagine your ex walking into your house and seeing you in the state you are in now. Would she be attracted to you like back then? If no, then you need to find your groove again. Respect yourself! She would not want to know that you are scheming, planning, praying and crying for her to come back. She would want to know you are gymming, making friends, doing well at work. Besides, you don't want your old relationship back. It didn't work out for a reason. What you want is a NEW relationship with your ex. And for that to happen, both of you need time to mature and improve. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 19, 2013 Author Share Posted July 19, 2013 I have a simple way of looking at the hope of a second chance: imagine your ex walking into your house and seeing you in the state you are in now. Would she be attracted to you like back then? If no, then you need to find your groove again. Respect yourself! She would not want to know that you are scheming, planning, praying and crying for her to come back. She would want to know you are gymming, making friends, doing well at work. Besides, you don't want your old relationship back. It didn't work out for a reason. What you want is a NEW relationship with your ex. And for that to happen, both of you need time to mature and improve. oh i fully agree, but she wont come back at all anymore i dont think, yesterday was her chance and she backed out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 19, 2013 Author Share Posted July 19, 2013 Just want opinions from people, is it fully over or is she absolutely confused and doesnt have a clue? Link to post Share on other sites
na49 Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 She misses you but doesn't want to be with you? Aww how sweet! No one can tell you what she's thinking because we aren't mind readers. but if she misses you as a friend, that's all she misses you as right now. I don't blame her, I'm sure you're a good guy, but in her head you aren't good enough to be with right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 19, 2013 Author Share Posted July 19, 2013 She misses you but doesn't want to be with you? Aww how sweet! No one can tell you what she's thinking because we aren't mind readers. but if she misses you as a friend, that's all she misses you as right now. I don't blame her, I'm sure you're a good guy, but in her head you aren't good enough to be with right now. id like to think she was telling the truth when she was drunk but who knows. Just seems like she is very confused but she made her decision and wants to stick with it. All her friends recently came out of relationships and are all now anti relationships, and when we met up after the break up and were gonna make it work she was so worried about how to tell them, anyone think they have an influence here? Link to post Share on other sites
justletgo07 Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 Just want opinions from people, is it fully over or is she absolutely confused and doesnt have a clue? Whether its fully over forever or not (there is no way for anyone to know), I don't think there is anything you can do to change the current outcome. All you can do now is focus on healing and moving on. You're asking this because you want to know if there is anything else you can do. I'm sorry to say, but there really isn't. You've done all that you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 19, 2013 Author Share Posted July 19, 2013 Whether its fully over forever or not (there is no way for anyone to know), I don't think there is anything you can do to change the current outcome. All you can do now is focus on healing and moving on. You're asking this because you want to know if there is anything else you can do. I'm sorry to say, but there really isn't. You've done all that you can. Ah i know i have to move on and its out of my hands, sorry was just wondering could this be a reason because she is very much easily led by one, pretty much follows the leader. Link to post Share on other sites
NomiMalone Posted July 21, 2013 Share Posted July 21, 2013 Hi Jerry, As a dumper who loves and misses my man, I thought I'd shed some light on the behaviour of your girl. In a nutshell, my man was a beautiful, kind, affectionate, generous person with many exceptional qualities, but nevertheless habitually behaved in ways that were unacceptable for someone in a relationship. Eventually I decided that the pain of enduring his behaviour was worse than the pain of leaving him, and so I left him. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Its been a month, and I still love him and miss the sweet side of him excruciatingly. I believe he loved me unconditionally to the best of his capabilities. He is hurting so much from our spilt, and even though I've requested NC (for both our sakes), he's never been able to comply, and I've never been able to bring myself to ignore his messages, because I love him and care for him, and there's nothing worse than an unanswered text. What I have to say to you is, firstly, we're all human and imperfect, your girl included, and during highly emotionally charged times like a break up, no one is going to behave perfectly. Yes, she was wrong to bait you by initiating contact with comments like "I miss you", and clearly the drunken phone call incident was just plain cruel and horrible. (I believe that once the break up has occurred, the dumper has forfeited all right to solicit contact with the dumpee for no legit reason.) But I have no doubt that she genuinely misses you and even loves you and is going through her own grieving. At times, her grief and pain of missing you will be great enough for her to wonder whether she'd done the right thing by ending the relationship (even though logic tells her that she did the right thing), and whether she could even go back to the relationship and accept the status quo. Hence the drunk dialing. But then on second thoughts, she realizes that the pain of staying in an unsatisfying relationship is worse than the pain of the grieving process, and remember that she'd ended the relationship for a reason. I say this because I too, often entertain thoughts of rekindling my relationship despite the horrible, thoughtless actions on the part of my man (and no, the reality is that he's incapable of change, so if I do go back, I'll have to accept all these injustices as part and parcel of the relationship). I'm in no way suggesting that you committed any wrongs that led to the demise of your relationship etc, just saying that I do entertain the thoughts of reconciliation. Not that I'd ever divulge these thoughts to my man, in fear of instilling hope in him when I'm so unsure about everything at the moment. It'd be cruel and unfair. But what I'm trying to say is that it's very, very tempting to initiate a "talk", or an "I miss you" to fish (and see if he miraculously replies with "I'm going to change my ways and we can live happily ever after),*and i dont blame any dumper for going there, because these feelings of reconciliation are very real and true. But*so far I've been strong enough to resist initiating this kind of contact. The only thing that's made me keep my resolve is my fear of hurting my man unnecessarily. As much as I love him, he and I are clearly too different, and as the saying goes "if you love them, set them free", to leave him free to find someone with whom a relationship wouldn't be so much of a struggle. I have to say, well done to you on the NC so far. It'll be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do in your whole life, but I promise you it'll afford you great clarity with the passage of time. Hang in there, and always make sure you do plenty of things to look after yourself (eating well etc), and making your own wellbeing the #1 priority in your life, because you deserve it.* Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 21, 2013 Author Share Posted July 21, 2013 Hi Jerry, As a dumper who loves and misses my man, I thought I'd shed some light on the behaviour of your girl. In a nutshell, my man was a beautiful, kind, affectionate, generous person with many exceptional qualities, but nevertheless habitually behaved in ways that were unacceptable for someone in a relationship. Eventually I decided that the pain of enduring his behaviour was worse than the pain of leaving him, and so I left him. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Its been a month, and I still love him and miss the sweet side of him excruciatingly. I believe he loved me unconditionally to the best of his capabilities. He is hurting so much from our spilt, and even though I've requested NC (for both our sakes), he's never been able to comply, and I've never been able to bring myself to ignore his messages, because I love him and care for him, and there's nothing worse than an unanswered text. What I have to say to you is, firstly, we're all human and imperfect, your girl included, and during highly emotionally charged times like a break up, no one is going to behave perfectly. Yes, she was wrong to bait you by initiating contact with comments like "I miss you", and clearly the drunken phone call incident was just plain cruel and horrible. (I believe that once the break up has occurred, the dumper has forfeited all right to solicit contact with the dumpee for no legit reason.) But I have no doubt that she genuinely misses you and even loves you and is going through her own grieving. At times, her grief and pain of missing you will be great enough for her to wonder whether she'd done the right thing by ending the relationship (even though logic tells her that she did the right thing), and whether she could even go back to the relationship and accept the status quo. Hence the drunk dialing. But then on second thoughts, she realizes that the pain of staying in an unsatisfying relationship is worse than the pain of the grieving process, and remember that she'd ended the relationship for a reason. I say this because I too, often entertain thoughts of rekindling my relationship despite the horrible, thoughtless actions on the part of my man (and no, the reality is that he's incapable of change, so if I do go back, I'll have to accept all these injustices as part and parcel of the relationship). I'm in no way suggesting that you committed any wrongs that led to the demise of your relationship etc, just saying that I do entertain the thoughts of reconciliation. Not that I'd ever divulge these thoughts to my man, in fear of instilling hope in him when I'm so unsure about everything at the moment. It'd be cruel and unfair. But what I'm trying to say is that it's very, very tempting to initiate a "talk", or an "I miss you" to fish (and see if he miraculously replies with "I'm going to change my ways and we can live happily ever after),*and i dont blame any dumper for going there, because these feelings of reconciliation are very real and true. But*so far I've been strong enough to resist initiating this kind of contact. The only thing that's made me keep my resolve is my fear of hurting my man unnecessarily. As much as I love him, he and I are clearly too different, and as the saying goes "if you love them, set them free", to leave him free to find someone with whom a relationship wouldn't be so much of a struggle. I have to say, well done to you on the NC so far. It'll be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do in your whole life, but I promise you it'll afford you great clarity with the passage of time. Hang in there, and always make sure you do plenty of things to look after yourself (eating well etc), and making your own wellbeing the #1 priority in your life, because you deserve it.* Thank you so much for your response, its something i was really interested in hearing from the dumpers perspective. i feel my main faults according to her was my like of ambition in finding a job and driving ( I now have a job and getting a car together within 5 weeks, She became bored with our normal routine of heading mine watching tv, getting a takeaway and so on, all of which with my new job can be fixed now as i can now afford to bring her on trips away and such, and finally i feel she thought i was spoiled, my family are very close and hers are not so i feel she didnt understand our closeness. I also let myself go a little bit lately put on a little weight, not alot but noticeable and now im running everyday getting back into shape. I feel these probelms are all solvable. she is hot headed,acts on impulse and finds it very hard to admit a wrong, this coupled with her friends loving the single life and anti relationships, i feel have a negative impact on me. I never understood why she iniated NC as everywhere i read its the dumpee and so was really hurting me and further backed up her claim that she didnt love me anymore. I believe what she said on the phone was the truth but she also said shes afraid of it not working again. why do you think she changed her mind the next day do you mind me asking? Is NC helping you get over your ex? does it help you forget him or is he always on your mind? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 21, 2013 Author Share Posted July 21, 2013 She is going on a holiday today, and dunno why but i feel so sad, we were gonna go on one this year, this sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryh Posted July 21, 2013 Author Share Posted July 21, 2013 i think my main problem is i was incredibly lazy in the relationship, she said it a good few times in a joking way, but i only realized now. Link to post Share on other sites
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