trippi1432 Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 (edited) Not to reiterate anything here, but isn't it nice to focus more on the positive than on the negative? The positive is what YOU see and experience, the negative is just thoughts that other people give you because they are not living your life. Being able to remember that you are the one living it, experiencing it and knowing your spouse, that speaks more volume to someone else's opinion. I could actually tell you tales of my best friend who was just presented an engagement ring the other day and had to turn it down after less than 3 months of dating. I actually had no idea they were having problems until HE contacted me, a man I have never met, and started asking me if my friend was on drugs, dating someone else or what. It's amazing how people get in their own way, and how some people get drawn into other people's problems when they aren't asking to be. At least people who come to LS are asking for advice, but living LS face to face.....totally stressful and not invited. I would say that both of the people I am referring to want things just their own way and do not see a middle. She's right and He's right...and at the late stage of their age, growing up and maturing is the only compromise they will get. Not to digress on your thread Allie, but there are times when each person throws a negative action on the other. HOW it gets handled speaks more volumes than what is said sometimes. Edited July 8, 2012 by trippi1432 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 8, 2012 Author Share Posted July 8, 2012 Ive stopped talking to most of my friends about our issues because most of the advice was negative. Even last night a friend texted me and said hows it going? I replied improving thx for asking. She said great what happened, i replied about him helping yesterday w/ groceries, her reply was hes up to something, and hes only being nice so you give him a drama free divorce like he wants. So then Ive gotta get that thought outta head which wasnt there prior. My reply back was "Im staying in the positive about my marriage" she said well thats ok BUT remember he didnt just overnight forgive you and decide to be nice!!!!, theres a reason! Lol gotta love friends Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 "Im staying in the positive about my marriage" she said well thats ok BUT remember he didnt just overnight forgive you and decide to be nice!!!!, theres a reason! True, but why would that reason have to be a negative one? I don't like spreading false hope any more then I don't like the folks that are all doom and gloom. Both types can be very damaging if you let them. Many people take the negative side as a way to protect you from disappointment and further harm from being let down. Its a natural reaction and them just trying to be a good friend by preparing you for the worst. All things in balance Allie, accept the support from both sides. If hes up to no good your smart enough to see it coming, if hes being genuine, you don't want to let that opportunity pass you by because you are readying yourself for a strike that never comes. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 8, 2012 Author Share Posted July 8, 2012 Thanks Tojaz- today wasnt as good he wasnt as talkative, well he didnt talk at all to me other than when i told him if he was hungry I had made stuffed peppers and potatos for dinner! So it was kinda a boring day :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 I'm just catching up. And really hate to be a Negative Nellie, you guys. I recall some nice gestures as well, early on. I sighted one for u, I felt I had to turn down regarding the car assistance, as we both had attorneys. I didn't think it was appropriate to be alone with one another, in that situation. So, of course this is different. But what bothers me is the that divorce did not seem to be a topic that ya'all's have just bounced around and "discussed." Actually, it seemed to be a statement of what was to proceed, "you know," in the near future (e.g., the text). How did that bell get unrung? Has he stopped his "single-like" behavior? I don't know about feeling positive or having a positive outlook on the marriage. But I do agree, Allie should "act as if" everything is positive with her. And I know she cannot ask or say anything about it alla the 180. But something is really bothering me about the "positive" or "hopefulness" she may be receiving. I really don't wanna be negative, but the dude said devorce was on the agenda. What up? Yas PS. This is only one Gal's point of view. Sorry, I just had to say something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 Yas- oh boy you got me thinking! He has stopped the single like behavior in fact hes pretty much home all the time now. Not sure what else to say though. I kinda feel like until he tells me he doesnt want a divorce he still does Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Yas- oh boy you got me thinking! He has stopped the single like behavior in fact hes pretty much home all the time now. Not sure what else to say though. I kinda feel like until he tells me he doesnt want a divorce he still does Thats a good strategy Allie. I'm not saying he doesn't, just want you to be open to all possibilities. YAs brought up the text, has anything happened there or even been brought up? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 Nothing has been brought up about that text! Though like I mentioned he isnt as talkative as he was. He was so quiet this weekend and ofcourse Friday he turned me down to go do something and yesterday we barely spoke at all. So I dunno hes not iniating convo like had but maybe he ran out neutral things to talk about. Or hes being cautious! Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) I was in denial, even when I saw the family law firm number on the phone records. Since "Dearest Hubby" put it on the table, and hasn't taken it off, (at least for my own peace of mind, personally), I would research his doings, and comings and goings. That is what I would do - THAT IS ONLY WHAT I WOULD DO, with emphasis (particularly with the single-like behavior, even if it ceased for now. Why? Any decent lawyer would tell him, or "suggest" discontinuation of any suspitious conduct). I would do this guilt free, as he is one who put on table. My motivation priority would be to get my own council asap, if he has his. I would file first, on record, immediately, because you can always unfile. If DH has issue, your response simply is he asked formally for a divorce, in writing. He didn't say, "I'm sick of the marriage.". He said "a divorce" was on the agenda, period. Next time, (just like you learned), he should try not to slate catastrophic agenda items unless he is GD serious. My second priority in researching your husband would be to find out if there was third party involvement. Better safe than sorry. Like one poster already said, to effect, things are already different/changed, and may not be the same again. That is one Gal's opinion based on one Gal's experience. Yas Edited July 9, 2012 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 Financially speaking I cant hire a PI! I do have access to the bank and cell phone records and theres been nothing there. Only thing I dont have access to his his email but Im sure there is a way to get into that. Nothing in history that is alarming. As for a 3rd party Im sure I look dumb but I honestly dont think so. Unless they are emailing and secretly meeting. I just dont think there is anyone else. I definately dont want to file first though, he wants this then he can file! I will say this i keep a daily log of his comings/goings and have ever since this fight started. Im still staying positive though Its the only thing that gets me through Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Keylogger program 44 computer. That will capture email and online activity. Purchase in a store not on-line. No PI. Not worth cost in yr case. They also can make blunders. One mistake with surveillance - and you'll never catch him. Use a GPS Tracker. U can download data, or subscribe to a service a watch live movement very cheaply. The device is about the size of the old DVDs, and can be installed with industrial Velcro inside plastic bumper or wheel well on car. Or a. Metal bracket is available to magnetally attach device under car where Evers there is metal (the type I used was called a TRIMTRAC - I got on eBay). The whole set up was so totally worth it. Phone records r really tricky. It was there allthe time - and I just couldn't see the forest (the number called repeatedly. For more time than I talk to my mother) through the trees (the mass of other calls - which I SHOULD HAVE noticed were ALL short length in comparison to other number). Sometimes, I think I just didn't want to see it. No offense. Yas PS. B4 you decide he has 2 file 1st 4 reasons of principle, maybe u should look @ the slight advantage U give yourself. Both legally & perhaps psychologically b4 U come 2 final decision. Learning something you don't know that u should know from methods above might be influential. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 Yas- i really do appreciate all your tips and your advice and the fact you took the time to post and share your experiences. I think in my situation Im not going to be doing those things! It just doesnt seem to fit. If I had any real reason to believe he was cheating I would definately act. Im sure I sound dumb and neive but Im going with my gut on this one hopefully I wont have to come back on here in a month and say I messed up! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Allie, sometimes trusting your gut is best and i never agree with trying to file first if things seem to be improving. I have never seen the sense in filing for a divorce that someone doesn't want, strategy or otherwise. The only time I even consider it feasible is when the other party is really out of touch or immersed in an affair fog as a way of making it real life for them. Even then the risks are high and should be considered a very last resort. That being said, there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself and having an attorney at the ready to advise you of the possibilities. A consultation is relatively inexpensive and many family lawyers will be used to situations like this and may be willing to be held on a retainer that can be refunded should things improve, plus if DH is looking into his legal options they will see it in the records and you will know. Keyloggers and GPS trackers? they have their place , but DH's main concern has been trust issues, should he discover either... and it happens. What kind of message does that send, especially if he's innocent. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 U don't sound dumb at all. U just sound like a decent woman with a heart, and good faith. Some might call that niave. I certainly have been niave. That doesn't mean U R. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 Well the last two days with H have been blah!! There was no communication at all yesterday with him. I came home from work and literally 5 mins later he left. He had a meeting to be at by 6pm and it was to be a long one. He looked at me when I came in but I didnt say anything because Im letting him guide the convo it just stinks he didnt. Last week was so positive and he went out of his way to talk to me but not Sunday or Monday. I have been keeping busy doing something everynight for the last 3 nights. Just makes me wonder if hes confused or I am? Im feeling a little less hope on days with NC Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Have you tried saying anything? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 Not yesterday I didnt but Sunday I asked him if he tried this new tea and then when I made dinner I told him what I made and that it was in kitchen if he wanted any. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 Well today was another blah day with H! I came home and he was outside playing with his tools and i said Hi! He gave me a Hi! Not a mean hi or a happy hi just a indifferent hi! He came in house changed and left. From online banking he went to a town 50 mins away for hardees!! Honestly I think hes just driving around again to avoid home! I could be hopeful and think hes using the time to think but he seems to be pushing away more! He was sticking around but Im wondering since the last 3 nights Ive been out he is doing tit for tat. On another note DD made a move today and actually talked to H for first time in two weeks, nothing much just asked him if he could fix something for her. He did and she was upset he didnt try to talk with her but i told her bany steps and that he was prob suprised she talked to him because for the last few weeks shes been ignoring him. Im starting to think I need a psychic...lol Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 It is possible that the time getting closer scared him and hes making a point to give himself some space for now. As a guy i know when I need to think it usually results in a long peaceful drive. I don't think there would be any harm in asking him whats up. Just keep it light and take whatever he offers you. Try "Hey I noticed you've been really quiet all of a sudden this week. Is everything ok?" Whatever he replies just go with it. If he opens up, listen and just try to be supportive without adding anything of your own, let the conversation be his. If he doesn't want to talk, 180! "Just thought I'd ask, I'll see you later" and stick to it. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 Tojaz my friend, I think he got scared! Honestly last week hes going all talking now hes all sudden quiet! I think hes confused which is ok but it makes me nervou and makes me worry! Tomorrow is the ddy "we" are supposed to get tires, so im going to wait and see if he still asks me to go before I ask him whats up. I noticed he keeps texting his friend in Md and friend isnt responding, seems weird. Ofcourse my mind went "his friend is mad at him hes not returning texts but i see him on fb so hubby must of done something bad that pissed friend off... Did he cheat?" thats how my paranoid mind works Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Anyone would be paranoid in the situation your in. So far your worries have been unproven. I will say that in my D even though my suspicions were proven valid, my own paranoia did more damage to my efforts then anything else. Its good that your paying attention and staying tuned in to his actions, just don't let that own you. If hes not playing it straight he will hang himself, they always do. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 Well, I spoke to soon. As i was getting in bed H came in room and asked me if I still wanted to go with him tomorrow for tires... 45 minutes away. He asked if tomorrow or Thurs would be better for me. I said tomorrow since DD has appt thurs. He said ok then told me he has to run some errands prior to me getting off but incase hes not back at 1 to hang tight! He was very nice!! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 good luck today Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 Today was sorta a bust! H and I were half way to destination and he decided to turn around and not get tires. Reason being was these tires were a different size and he said he felt like it was a bad idea to go with them because theyd put stress on tranny and etc. So we came back into town and went to a local place and looked and he still wants to look elsewhere. He did talk alot going up and I made sure to let him know i was impressed and appreciated how he knew so much about tires. Good points: he opened door for me at tire place, was talkative, nice and asked for my opinion on TIRE shopping! He also told me he when he was getting ready to text someone out of town from a craigslist ad about tires they had. I felt like he was trying to reassure me so i wouldnt wonder who it was later. I also noticed he actually petted our cat who hes been ignoring since our fight. The cat hasnt bothered with hom either. No talk about D or even about bankruptcy meeting we have Mon. I feel like hes going out of his way to ignore both subjects Bad points: not as much time with him as i wanted, he didnt talk about anything other than our cars and TIRES!! I feel like he has no interest in my life or about Dd or anything else. He does get quiet at home. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 Doesn't sound so bad all things considered. Hes talking, but needs to keep it in his comfort zone. A place where he can feel safe. Try initiating a conversation with him thats within that comfort zone. Ask him more about the tires maybe. The idea is to let him get comfortable talking with you again, the subject doesn't really matter. Just show an interest in him and where he is and he'll know its safe to return the favor. Otherwise, I'd keep it light until after your meeting Monday. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
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