Forgiveness

[tojaz]

Well done Allie. Lets see what tomorrow brings.

[Yasuandio]

Really, a text about bankruptcy, splitting assets, kitty litters refund, and divorce in one text.

 

Hello, remember what I mentioned about getting some advice apriori? Do any of us LS people know how bankruptcy effects divorce? Will it help or hurt Allie to cooperate with a bankruptcy before the devorce (possibly screwing her credit for a blank number of years)? Maybe she should get some LEGAL ADVICE?!?! Seems like he did. In fact, hubby's got it all mapped out.

 

Does anyone see a RED FLAG here? I mean I seriously love Allie's reactions, especially when she was watering the plants, what a doll!

 

But hold on, she seems to have her hopes up. Husband may be doing a couple out of character nice things - but, re-read that plan in the text. I wouldn't cooperate with that. I'm not saying she shouldn't go and listen with her lip zipped, maybe a few logical questions, and a digital recorder between her cleavage.

 

Here is a joke for you.

 

That night, after I got home from the attorney with the digital recorder, my husband wanted to come over and discuss a settlement with me over a few glasses of wine, he bright 2 bottles!

 

He assured me I didn't need a lawyer, I could save $$$ by just using his. He offered me $60,000 cash if I signed over our three homes, and our IHOP restaurant to him. All I had to do was sign a paper, and I'd get 60 thousand dollars! Just like that!

 

You know the first question that came to my mind? It was "Well, honey, where am I going to live?" He told me I could stay here in the house till I got things together. What a guy?!

 

Can you imagine a man I loved, treasured and was married to at that time for 25 years (lived with him and loved him five years before that, even), can you believe he would entertain that rediculious proposal to me, a kind, good-heart value as a woman who gave him nothing less than outstanding service in his marriage. Do you have any idea how much he was trying to cheat me at that moment? Buying the IHOP was the culmination of our life savings.

 

Allie, because I still love him and yearn for him, - when I reflect just now on that evening 3,5 years ago, I want to gag. I hate myself. I am scared. You are still very young, and have time for a nice family, and a Hubby deserving of you. Tread carefully, my dear.

 

Don't fall into any possibly dumb thing that will haunt you for seven years. Maybe it's smart, IDK, since I'm not lawyer. Does anyone really know anything about this subject? please educate me so I understand the thread. Yas

Edited July 4, 2012 by Yasuandio

[AllieKat]

I was kinda wondering yesterday if it was possible he was just being nice to me so he could " get what he wants". Though as of right now I gotta say i have no intentions of signing divorce papers at any point. He doesnt know that

 

As far as our credit goes its already bad and were are in debt so this meeting with the bankruptcy lawyer isnt anything other a free consol. Yas- i will not let my love for him blind me to sneaky tatics, I refuse! I actually have some good legal advice on my side I work for 2 attorneys. I will be discussing this with them before I go! And hubby knows that and he knows they are " big shots" too!

 

I dont think hes got any secret motives yet but im watching. I was thinking he was being nice to me because i was being agreeable but yes at the sametime i was hoping he was seeing past his hurt and softening. Does seem weird how monday night he says he feels nothing then tuesday he doing things.

[tojaz]

Yas, Allie can correct me if I am mistaken, but it was my understanding that the bankruptcy was already in the works before the divorce had come to light. Financially, if bankruptcy was going to be in her future, it is actually better for her to go through it while still married then not. It shouldn't really effect the settlement or anything like that other then handling the debt which she would be responsible for anyway if it went to divorce.

 

I can she why she has hope due to his actions, and I would be cautiously optimistic. It may be that H has a master plan in the works, but since the bankruptcy was going to happen anyways theres really no risk there. Upside may be, that, based on what I have seen from him and what I had posted about him reacting to stress and control, a new job possibly on the horizon and being able to have the bankruptcy in the rear view may have a positive effect on the rest of their situation.

 

It is always important to be cautious. Which is why I posted not to sign anything she doesn't understand or 100% agrees with.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Not sure if I mentioned this or not in previous posts but DH is off for 2 weeks now then will start new job on 18th. So im being super hopeful here but this could be a blessing in disquise for us. A lot can happen in two weeks right? Lol

[AllieKat]

Just wondering how bad of a screw up I did? I made a bunch of yummy food for today just for us because we already our family picnic last weekend, anyhow i got it all made amd fixed Dd a plate and got myself some and said to Dh i made a bunch of food if you want any.

 

Im thinking i shouldnt of said anything but i dunno. So i hoped on here to re reread the posts to get back on track.

 

This am as soon as I got up I ran to work to walk the ladys dog i work for just to be nice and when i came home he was awake and for the first time in weeks he actually looked at me when i came in. Then i went and got shower and when i came out he instantly talked to me. Now before we get to excited it was the stupidess convo ever but hell i'll take what i can get and be happy he iniated it. He asked me if Ive seen a flies in the house? Lmao i said ummm.. Yeah one fly that the cats were after. He said i think they got in yesterday when our door was being replaced. I just said oh! Lol this is my hubby when weve gotten in to tiffs before and we make up he always starts with dumb stuff to talk about like ice breakers. But thats not to say what this just a thought.

[tojaz]

I don't think you screwed up. It was a polite offer and nothing more. I wouldn't worry about it.

 

When someone has gone through what you guys have been going through, its hard to try and figure out how to relate. So silly meaningless comments or questions are usually a good safe place to start.

 

I'm not going to try and define his intentions behind that.. you know him better then I, but I would say that you might want to reward his efforts and let him know that his communication is welcome and appreciated. Keep it small and light, even just a nice gesture without words, like bringing him a drink or something might speak volumes and if he decides to turn the tables, a small gesture like that is hard to turn around on you.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Hi Allie, you did just fine. Back when I was going through the phase of my exH having one foot out the door, I talked to a Divorce Busting coach. DO things like you would normally do, make dinner, pay the bills, go shopping...etc. Make small offers, dinner's on the table if you would like to join me/us, maintain agreements about the bills, etc.

 

What you don't want to create is a giant wall between the two of you because you are hurt and he is hurt. This is where a lot of couples mess up and get straight to divorce, sometimes over very small things that just build to larger issues.

 

Just keep going with the flow right now and see what that brings.

[AllieKat]

Well DH ate my cooking finally after weeks of hiding from it!! Lol then he cleaned everything up and put it away. I walked out in kitchen and i said I can do that and he said nah its ok i got it!

 

Im kinda sad though because he just left and he took his suit with him so Im 99% sure he went to his friends house it just makes me sad because him going over there at 6:30pm on the 4th of July infront of those ppl we used to hang with just stinks. Its kinda like him showing hes single. He had been sticking around the house a lot so Im assuming hell be home late :-(! I think i really got my hopes up on his new communication.

 

Ppl are telling me its prob an act and hes playing me. I dunno Im a smart girl and I can honestly say if hes playing me him leaving here tonight to go swim would be a stupid game move on his part if he is indeed playing me!

[AllieKat]

Well, its taking everything i got not to freak on DH! I know i post a lot during the day believe me i do it as a form of therapy so i dont go off on him. I never used to be this insecure and he NEVER came home at weird hours then again he never went anywhere w/o me/us so its hard. Aside from my DH being gone my BF is gone.

 

He came home at midnight tonight and ofcourse i want to be like wtf but thus far Ive restrained. That impulsiveness is hard to quiet! But i know if i go jump his case its going to put me in a bad position with myself and him. I feel like hes testing me but then again i feel like hope is fading and maybe the reality is he is done and hes just being civil with me to get through this.

[tojaz]

Relax Allie.

 

We are quickly approaching the point in a thread where people just post reminders of what has already been said just to keep you on track. This time it is the ole Quality vs. Quantity.

 

You had a pretty good day yesterday. Just like you he is under a lot of stress because of all this and is picking his actions very carefully and deliberately. Hes just not in the same mindset as you are and is working off of his own version of information.

 

Soooo being constantly "on" like you have been, I would imagine it wears you out a little, tests your nerves? Sure it does, you just said you were ready to freak out.

 

He just willingly gave you more then you have seen from him in weeks. Don't be greedy.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Relax Allie.

 

We are quickly approaching the point in a thread where people just post reminders of what has already been said just to keep you on track. This time it is the ole Quality vs. Quantity.

 

 

TOJAZ

 

Yep...what he said....

[AllieKat]

Just a update...

 

Yesterday I came home from work at 10am for a little break. Dh said he was going to get me tires I said ok. When I got home a little later he still hadnt gone but i didnt say anything. Finally he said Im goung to get those tires if you want to ride along! He said if you dont want to ride along i can just go no big deal. So i very casually said yeah I can go.

 

I was surprised he asked me cause its a 45 minute drive away. Needless to say he talked alot never any talk about our marriage though. He held the doors for me and even asked me if i wanted a drink. When we got to where we were headed it was closed! Lol not to reopen till the 9th! He said what day is the 9th and i said Monday. He said we can come back then Mon afternoon. I said ill have to pass because i work late on Mon. He said well then we'll come wed. He knows i get off early on wednesdays. After that we went to junkyard and walked around, sounds weird but hes a mechanic so its not that odd he goes there to get parts.

 

On way home he got quiet i think because i got a text and i made the comment it was a text from someone who was sad i quit the volunteer assoc. i shouldnt of brought it up. On way home we stopped and took pizza home and we actually ate at same time!! Lol this is all good sings right?

[tojaz]

Lol this is all good sings right?

 

Yes I would think so.

 

I had forgotten about your volunteer work and how you had felt you had to leave. Has DH brought that up much? Sounds like possibly rejoining in the future (if you wish) would be a nice gesture to keep in your back pocket.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

DH hasnt brought it up, I think its still a sore spot! I dont think Id rejoin only because the president is the lady who is married to his race car buddy and she has been awful to me. She even ran to DH to tell him things she heard. Basically shes a b*tch and likes to involve herself in ppls marriages.

[AllieKat]

Dh wasnt waiting on me when I came home today, when he came home he gave we a wave and said hi. He told me what he did today and was nice. Dd was goung to friends so i for whatever reason asked Dh if he wanted to go get some food? Wish i hadnt of asked. He said he wasnt really hungry and he was kinda tired and his leg was bugging him. I told him i was bored and he in a really nice way said "why dont you go do something" grrrr so obviously that isnt what i wanted to hear and i was super sad and went to a friends for awhile!

 

I just dont seem to be able to accept that. I guess cause im not sure if he honestly didnt feel like it or if he just doesnt want to be anywhere with me! My brain started wondering is he afraid to be out in public with me for fear someone might see us together or is he really just done with me? Yesterday got my hopes up and i dont know what to think?

 

I cant see DH taking me with him 45 mins away if he hated me or was just being civil but at the sametime if he wanted to reconcile wouldnt he want to go to dinner with me! In normal times he would never turn me down to go anywhere so I dunno

[trippi1432]

Or you could just be over thinking it again? Yesterday he went out in public with you, yesterday was positive....today, well, you are giving yourself your own negative. He is not your only source of happiness, what he is or isn't doing should never be your only source of happiness.

 

So, you went to a friend's house and hung out? Was that a positive experience for you?

[AllieKat]

Honestly not I was just thinking of him! Im just not adjusting to not being with him a lot! We used to spend so much time together well all our free time just the 3 of us! For the last 10 years so its hard to just switch it, at least for me!

 

I am over thinking Im sure but I guess I just dont want to get hopes up only to find out he still wants divorce.

[tojaz]

Your thinking too much Allie.

 

the situation has changed, you cannot hold him to the same standards as when you were happily married. Like it or not you are both changing and regardless of the outcome its never going to be exactly the way it was before. Especially not now.

 

If you want to draw comparisons, compare it with where you both were a couple weeks ago. What response would you have expected then?

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

A few weeks ago he would of told me He didnt want to go anywhere with me! If he would of even answered me. I definately think things are going better but its hard when ppl are in your ears telling you they think hes just playing games or that they think hes just trying to be civil to get what he wants.

 

I just dont believe them but its getting to me because I also dont want to be nieve and think this is the road to reconiliation and its really not.

 

Im sure I should just tread cautious and look at the progress but its hard when just Tuesday the very day he mentioned divorce in a text he starts being kind to me and Thurs we are going in car and spending hours together..

[tojaz]

A few weeks ago he would of told me He didnt want to go anywhere with me! If he would of even answered me. I definately think things are going better but its hard when ppl are in your ears telling you they think hes just playing games or that they think hes just trying to be civil to get what he wants.

 

I just dont believe them but its getting to me because I also dont want to be nieve and think this is the road to reconiliation and its really not.

 

Im sure I should just tread cautious and look at the progress but its hard when just Tuesday the very day he mentioned divorce in a text he starts being kind to me and Thurs we are going in car and spending hours together..

 

Well Allie, If you want to listen to these people, what do you think hes trying to get from you?

 

From his actions when he was at his worst, it doesn't sound like he would try for custody. Your filing bankruptcy so financial settlement is pretty much set. He doesn't seem interested in the home. That leaves nothing but child support (which is mostly a given and usually set by the court) and depending where you live spousal support.

 

None of that has even been brought up though, so he really has very little reason to deceive you.

 

Sometimes you have to be willing to just take things for what they are and see where they lead you. He has softened but is still maintaining a safe "buffer zone". You have no way of knowing his intent behind that, and neither does anybody else. You'll just have to ride out the storm.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

True! I doubt custody or child support will be an issue since hes is the stepfather and he hasnt adopted daughter.

 

Im just going with my heart for now till I know different. In that text Tues he mentioned we needed to talk assests and etc not that we really have anything other than vehicles in our names.

 

I also noticed he has used the word "we" a few times lately. As recently as yesterday. We got calorie counter books from our health issurance because we are on their Wellness plan. They are really strict with us about weight etc. he said why do you think they sent those I said prob cause they want us to lose weight. He said well soon "we" wont have to deal with them.

[tojaz]

He said well soon "we" wont have to deal with them.

 

Is it his insurance? because with his new job on the horizon, his insurance will most likely change as well.

 

If that is the case, I'm going to remind you that if you look hard enough for a red flag, your always going to find one.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Yeah its his health insurance for us through work, so yeah we are going to lose coverage soon and from what he said the new job wont offer him insurance till 90 days in!

 

I get what your saying about red flags you can find them everywhere!

 

I went grocery shopping just a bit ago and when he saw me pull up with groceries he came out to help bring them in, he even helped put them away and he tossed everything in the fridge that was no longer good or leftover. So that was super nice! Thats actually what we always did! I'd empty all the bags and hand him stuff that went in fridge and he toss all the bad/leftover stuff

[tojaz]

I went grocery shopping just a bit ago and when he saw me pull up with groceries he came out to help bring them in, he even helped put them away and he tossed everything in the fridge that was no longer good or leftover. So that was super nice! Thats actually what we always did! I'd empty all the bags and hand him stuff that went in fridge and he toss all the bad/leftover stuff

 

Well it sounds like things have balanced out some. Still haven't heard a word about attorneys or separation and actually seems to be reengaging in the family a little bit. Glad to hear it.

 

I get what your saying about red flags you can find them everywhere!

 

Like not focusing on this....

 

Yeah its his health insurance for us through work, so yeah we are going to lose coverage soon and from what he said the new job wont offer him insurance till 90 days in!

 

and focusing on the "we" here instead?

 

He said well soon "we" wont have to deal with them.

 

I think your taking the cautious part of "cautiously optimistic" to heart a little too much try being "optimistically cautious" and let yourself enjoy the positives you are receiving now.

 

TOJAZ