Author AllieKat Posted July 20, 2012 Author Share Posted July 20, 2012 My lawyer did say doing chap 13 wouldnt hurt either of us but it just was not the wisest or most direct path to divorce. Her explanation was its a lot more paperwork and would only have to be changed/altered once we D because everything financial (which is what the repayment plan is built on) changes. She said its a ton of work to go through just to void it. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 My lawyer did say doing chap 13 wouldnt hurt either of us but it just was not the wisest or most direct path to divorce. Her explanation was its a lot more paperwork and would only have to be changed/altered once we D because everything financial (which is what the repayment plan is built on) changes. She said its a ton of work to go through just to void it. Then it sounds like your in a pretty safe place financially while your stuck in limbo, there isn't any dirty play going on there at least. That should make it s little easier to focus on the emotional side of things without having to be looking over your shoulder. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 I think that is what Im going to do Tojaz! Things have stalled here. Thursday he didnt talk to me at all and I havent been feeling good so I didnt pursue any convo. Yesterday we talked a little but only cause I iniated. So I'm not quite sure what to do. Do I make convo or let him be? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I think that is what Im going to do Tojaz! Things have stalled here. Thursday he didnt talk to me at all and I havent been feeling good so I didnt pursue any convo. Yesterday we talked a little but only cause I iniated. So I'm not quite sure what to do. Do I make convo or let him be? I would just trust your instincts Allie. I firmly believe that it is unfair for you to feel afraid to talk to your husband if you need to. If you have something to say, tell him and just leave it at that. He can choose to react however he likes but I see no reason why you should have to hide yourself away over his hang up. I guess the easiest way to say it is that if communication is going to shut down, you shouldn't be the one throwing the switch. Does that make any sense? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 Yup that makes sense! All I can do is try! The meds I was given are making me feel worse as in sick to my stomach everyday even though I eat something when I take them. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Yup that makes sense! All I can do is try! The meds I was given are making me feel worse as in sick to my stomach everyday even though I eat something when I take them. All meds are not a perfect fit for everyone. If they are giving you side effects tell your doc you want to try something else. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 22, 2012 Author Share Posted July 22, 2012 Things here just keep getting better! Lol not really!! H came home after work and discovered the new back tires he just got were going flat! So that put him in a mood so that was a red light and i didnt bug him. I got dinner and was going to take it to him and he seemed annoyed and just said just let it be ill get it. Then he said thank you though! So after 15 mins he got up and got his and thanked me again. I left him be cause now we are down to one car and thats going to be interesting! Today i was throwing up my life, had a fever, and tightness in chest so i asked H to take me to er. All side efdects of my new meds! H didnt seem to care but he did stay and at least wait in waiting room. But the look on his face is that of annoyance, aside from feeling sick as a dog i feel like his yellow light is staying on forever and his compassion is right out the window! Makes me wonder if even in times of illness if H shows no care maybe that should be my sign? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 Allie, the more this goes on, the less I think that this has to do with you in particular rather then just your H having a hard time coping with the world around him and you are just a convenient outlet for his stress. (I make that sound worse then I intend) It just seems like that light gets a little redder whenever something doesn't go his way, even when it has nothing to do with you or your marriage. Thoughts? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 22, 2012 Author Share Posted July 22, 2012 I agree! Hes fine around other ppl which kills me. Its like im the plaque. I just dont see why he would live this way If Im so awful to him. I dunno but I really just dont see a resolve coming he seems to set on hating me. Starting next week hell be gone every evening 6-8:30 mon-fri for the football stuff he does plus hell be helping his buddy sat nights with racing so honestly he wont be around much so work things out! That schedule goes on till end of aug! :-/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 22, 2012 Author Share Posted July 22, 2012 The other thing that gets me is when he comes to talk to me hes super nice. I guess thats because its on his terms! I think him having flats but be karma! I mean now hes dependent on me. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 I agree! Hes fine around other ppl which kills me. Its like im the plaque. I just dont see why he would live this way If Im so awful to him. I dunno but I really just dont see a resolve coming he seems to set on hating me. Starting next week hell be gone every evening 6-8:30 mon-fri for the football stuff he does plus hell be helping his buddy sat nights with racing so honestly he wont be around much so work things out! That schedule goes on till end of aug! :-/ Since the initial blow up and silent treatment, has he said he hates you or even anything like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 22, 2012 Author Share Posted July 22, 2012 Hes never said he hated me. The only thing he ever said was he felt nothing during a fight And since that he hasnt said anything like that. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 Have you considered the possibility that you have become a convenient pressure release valve for the other troubles in his life? How did you respond to him when he went straight to red after discovering the tires? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 22, 2012 Author Share Posted July 22, 2012 Im sure its easier for him to blame me for everything since hes already mad at me. When he came in after work and told me about the tires I said that sucks, what do you think happened? He said he didnt know but he was mad since he just got them. I pretty much left it at that cause i knew he was mad and didnt want to make things worse Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 23, 2012 Author Share Posted July 23, 2012 The weirdness continues H asks me if he can take my ( tech our) car to get some fixaflat! Strange that hes asking m and that he tells me wheres he going and then says I'll be back. Dd is also trying to make little baby steps of conversation with H! Shes been ignoring him because she is upset. You know Im not sure they make a medicine for dealing with all this but if they do I gotta get it. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Sometimes I wish there was a drug that made all this easier, I would have a drawer full. I'm going to offer that in addition to what you have already been doing, that you stand up for yourself when he directs anger at you that isn't meant for you. Nothing harsh, but let him know that you don't deserve what he is giving you. Example: when he was upset over the tires and shut you out, a polite reminder that he was angry about the tires and not you would not be out of line. In fact, he may not even be aware hes doing it to the degree he is. Maybe even just a subtle reminder at the right time.... I'm sorry about the tires. Would be all thats needed. DD will find her way with him if hes open to it. Possibly anothe rreminder of what hes leaving behind. her efforts may work in your favor. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Allie - do you really think that he harbors blame for you because he is mad at you? If so, that would mean that there has been a history of that here that you have not told this forum. I think you stood up for yourself already over the tires, and did it wonderfully. It's really not your problem for his decisions, but you offered your support without getting emotionally involved. I don't think your husband is doing anything maliciously...I really feel that the two of you are working against each other when you should both be working with each other. I think you really need to start reading your husband better....you want every one else to stop being negative about the man you do still love, then you need to stop being negative about him as well. Sorry, my 2 cents worth, for what it's worth. Perhaps you have forgotten your posts a few back....perhaps. Perhaps you have forgotten the past threads you have abandoned..this man who drove 8 hours to bring your child a gift but you wouldn't let in, this man who read your child bedtime stories and was a father to your child....I hope that this is not the only thing you loved him for. If you didn't love him for him, what does he really have once your daughter grows up and leaves home? To my posts several months ago, you love him for who he is outside of your child. Children see and learn from a solid relationship between two people...not just as a replacement for someone who isn't there, not if you are not in the relationship for you as well. Do not love him for what he is or isn't doing based on your expectations....love him for just simply being him. You should expect no less. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 23, 2012 Author Share Posted July 23, 2012 Allie - do you really think that he harbors blame for you because he is mad at you? If so, that would mean that there has been a history of that here that you have not told this forum. I think you stood up for yourself already over the tires, and did it wonderfully. It's really not your problem for his decisions, but you offered your support without getting emotionally involved. I don't think your husband is doing anything maliciously...I really feel that the two of you are working against each other when you should both be working with each other. I think you really need to start reading your husband better....you want every one else to stop being negative about the man you do still love, then you need to stop being negative about him as well. Sorry, my 2 cents worth, for what it's worth. Perhaps you have forgotten your posts a few back....perhaps. Perhaps you have forgotten the past threads you have abandoned..this man who drove 8 hours to bring your child a gift but you wouldn't let in, this man who read your child bedtime stories and was a father to your child....I hope that this is not the only thing you loved him for. If you didn't love him for him, what does he really have once your daughter grows up and leaves home? To my posts several months ago, you love him for who he is outside of your child. Children see and learn from a solid relationship between two people...not just as a replacement for someone who isn't there, not if you are not in the relationship for you as well. Do not love him for what he is or isn't doing based on your expectations....love him for just simply being him. You should expect no less. I do love him for who he is but I gotta say this man right now in his actions and words isnt the same man I married. Granted we all change but since our fight he has changed so much, at least so it appears. We were best friends before we were anything else. I know hes hurting and thats why he is acting this way but it sure isnt helping us work through this and some of the things hes said and done are baffling and point to someone who doesnt want to work things out. Its like a yo-yo, up and down. Makes it hard to have positive hopes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 I do love him for who he is but I gotta say this man right now in his actions and words isnt the same man I married. Granted we all change but since our fight he has changed so much, at least so it appears. We were best friends before we were anything else. I know hes hurting and thats why he is acting this way but it sure isnt helping us work through this and some of the things hes said and done are baffling and point to someone who doesnt want to work things out. Its like a yo-yo, up and down. Makes it hard to have positive hopes Allie - What expectations do you have now based on knowing that things have changed between the two of you? With all that has happened, you know that the old relationship has been altered. That's not to say that some elements of it can emerge in the relationship going forward. If you were able to define what you want for the two of you in the next year, what would it be? Also, as a note, please make sure that you are savvy on what meds the doctor is giving you and for what treatment. Anxiety can be beaten via talk therapy and introspection to change our actions and reactions....meds just alter your cognitive responses and can have a negative reaction to the situation. Unfortunately, doctors tend to throw pills that the pharmaceutical companies are pushing at their patients, and the side effects can be worse that the treatment. Just be sure that you are well informed, especially if they give you more than one type of medication. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 23, 2012 Author Share Posted July 23, 2012 I guess what I would like is to have my best friend back in my corner. I'd like to have an honest, loving, and fullfilling relationship with him.We had that but I destroyed that with the lies. I guess expectations are hard cause at this point Im just waiting for him to file for D. Not that i want that at all but i feel like his more recent actions suggest he no longer cares. About the meds even after bad reaction hospital er dr didnt want me to stop taking. I was like really?, i stopped them i just couldnt go through those side effects again!! I think im done with meds i honestly didnt want them to begin with but felt desperate to have a change in my moods. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Just catching up, AGAIN. Oh, dear. I see a pattern emerging. That's the advantage of being away for awhile. Tires, tires, and more tires. Now it's Fix--Flat. Geez, haven't you guys ever heard of Tires Plus? You get really great tires, free maintenance for life of tire. Can you imagine that. They even put the air in for you, rotate, whatever you need, FREE. There is also a payment plan. If you're tired of being treated like crap about the tire problem, here is your new come back: "I am not the tires." Period, no apologies, end of story. Now, the meds, and "need" for ER visit (with husbands assistance?). Does husband now know about the meds, your condition, and proximate cause of your condition? Did you design it this way? If so, do you think he doesn't know that? What was the ER diagnosis? Does your husband realize the fact ER said to keep taking meds, and now, you say you are not going to take them? Is that what you tell your husband too? I am going to tell you exactly why I am asking this many questions. I am wondering... for a family, that must drive miles and miles, go weeks and weeks, and have such protracted issues getting some decent tires -- how, tell me how in the world do you afford all these visits to the ER? Anyone, what's the count here, in just under two months, maybe less. Even when I had the best coverage ever -- there were still charges, and limitations. If not, fine. Then, I'm concerned with the timing of your ER visits, and your husband's perceptions thereof. Where I see so much improvement, I am worried you may be messing up. Just one person's point of view. Of course, I'm not saying to avoid the ER if you NEED to be there. I just would be judicious with the option you have in your policy, if you have it. The insurance company may look at too high a usage. I really don't know, but I noticed this, and I coming forward and saying something about it, even though folks may get ticked. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 23, 2012 Author Share Posted July 23, 2012 Oh my Yas- trying to not be offended here but I am! My H is a mechanic so hes the type that likes to do the car stuff himself even the tires. His car is older and in an effort to save money he choose used tires for his car which didnt work out obviously. As far as Er that would be 3 visits since May! In may I went for miscarriage, in June it was cause I had a dizzy/numbness spell behind the wheel and police officer wouldnt let me drive and ambulance took me and yes this weekend makes 3! I asked H to drive me because riding in ambulance is to expensive and it was not that much of an energency and well honestly hes my husband, he should be able to take me. Our insurance will be expiring soon so I wanted to get scene asap and with our insurance we get billed unlike if we went to urgent care where we pay upfront. I really wasnt concerned with the cost of stuff I was ill and that stuff was furthest from my mind. Er Dr said it was anxiety attack and nausea caused from zoloft. But she disnt want me to stop it until i confirmed today with my family dr who prescribed it. Honestly i think i pulled a muscle in my chest from the vomiting yesterday because it hurts still today as do many other muscles. I didnt take the zoloft last night because i wasnt going to take a chance getting sick again and i had to work today. I guess I can see what your thinking and maybe even how this looks to H, but ive never been so sick and not been able to stop vomiting like that before. Im so paranoid when it comes to meds and reading the side effects and having several of them freaked me out Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 23, 2012 Author Share Posted July 23, 2012 Oh forgot to answer H did asking me what I was taking and i told him zoloft and he asked why. I was honest and told him depression. He didnt say anything more about it other than he was annoyed Er dr told me not to stop taking them until i talked to dr. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 24, 2012 Author Share Posted July 24, 2012 H was very friendly for the whole 20 mins I saw him! He told me what he did today and was telling me what his plans were tonight and said that after football he might go help his buddy work on race car. So I guess for such a short convo it was positive. Ill chalk this up to a good day ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 Allie, I have no gain or loss in offending or not offend you. But I see a pattern, even in the somewhat defensive, and extra-explanatory responses that followed my post. I persoally don't have the energy or brain cells to do a complete analysis of your threads. But if memory serves me right, a forth ER involves your daughter. Did you not readily admit to me that the "side of the rode" ER event was an attention getter? Come on, Ms. Allie. Now, if memory serves me correct, wasn't your miscarriage visit to ER post hoc? Why don't you go to regular facilities for these matters? Are the life or death matters that require the ER? When you case was most critical, and you were really miscarrying, why didn't you go to ER then? Or did you? If so, you would have had the evidence your husband asked for when he took a day off to care for you in your condition. Your daughter's trip to the ER? What was that about? In context, I have to winder now. Zoloft. Give me a break. ER. LAOAOAOAOAO. I know you don't like that. Why didn't you call your prescribing doctor? Allie. U better stop this shenanigans. U r not fooling me. This is such BS, when I think of people that really need ER and Emergency Roadside Services. I am sorry if u, or others r offended. But this is my opinion. If I am excruciatingly wrong on my data here (may be mistaken on one but not all), then I will formally apologize. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
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