Forgiveness

[Yasuandio]

I'm sorry I misunderstood Ms. Allie. I'm very defensive about this illness. And I have been called psychotic and crazy on LS before, and it made me feel like no longer contributing. It is I that jumped conclusions, I apologize again. I'm under a lot of pressure rite now with divorce trial coming August 20, and my Mom on ventilator - not expected to live. I need to just shut up. Everything looks bad/negative thru my eyes right now. Again, apologies from me, Yas

[AllieKat]

Yas no worries!! ((hugs)) to you and I really do hope things get better for you, nobody deserves that much at once!

 

H and I talked somemore when he came home tonight. He said "as if things are effed up enough already, then you ppl who want to talk about other ppls business" im wondering if I should be starting to see some signs of him wanting to spend more time with me or see signs he cares. He still treats me as he does anyone else im not seeing any clear signs of feelings for me emerging, maybe i need to give that more time as well?

 

I feel like we are roomates. He mentioned to that ppl probably are gossiping because they were used to seeing us always together and now that isnt the case so they notice and talk. Should i take that as just what it is a statement or is that his way of making it know this is how things are going to be from now on?

[tojaz]

I'm sorry I misunderstood Ms. Allie. I'm very defensive about this illness. And I have been called psychotic and crazy on LS before, and it made me feel like no longer contributing. It is I that jumped conclusions, I apologize again. I'm under a lot of pressure rite now with divorce trial coming August 20, and my Mom on ventilator - not expected to live. I need to just shut up. Everything looks bad/negative thru my eyes right now. Again, apologies from me, Yas

 

Sorry to hear that Yas, you have an awful lot on your plate. I would be very disappointed if you were to shy away from contributing on the forum though. You have a very keen instinct for these things often bringing up things that others would miss, especially me, the eternal optimist.

 

Hope things turn around for you soon Yas, Hugs!

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

H and I talked somemore when he came home tonight. He said "as if things are effed up enough already, then you ppl who want to talk about other ppls business" im wondering if I should be starting to see some signs of him wanting to spend more time with me or see signs he cares. He still treats me as he does anyone else im not seeing any clear signs of feelings for me emerging, maybe i need to give that more time as well?

 

What kind of sign are you looking for Allie? I think he has shown a lot of signs that he cares about you but thay do all seem to come from a cautious and guarded position. While not to the point of calling it a recon, I would say that things between the two of you have improved an awful lot since this thread started.

 

I am usually an optimist to a fault on LS, (probably because there are so many that want to instantly put a negative spin on things) so I will be as objective as I can and say that H may be putting out feelers just to assess the situation a little. I still don't think he knows which way he wants to go, but in your case that is an improvement to the fire and brimstone that he was throwing around before.

 

It may be time to take a small step in his direction, emphasis on small! I'm not really sure what that would look like in such a delicate situation, but it is on my mind.

 

I feel like we are roomates. He mentioned to that ppl probably are gossiping because they were used to seeing us always together and now that isnt the case so they notice and talk. Should i take that as just what it is a statement or is that his way of making it know this is how things are going to be from now on?

 

**WARNING**, eternal optimist speaking, apply grains of salt liberally!: It may be that he is seeing the situation as a bit out of place himself. It sounds like something I would say if I wanted to include somebody. Along the lines of someone saying that their friends ask after you or something.

 

Just a thought

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Tojaz- what do you think about his texts today?

[tojaz]

Tojaz- what do you think about his texts today?

 

Plays like an old episode of Dragnet...... Just the facts ma'am.

 

I dont really see much there, and that's almost guaranteed to be by design. The proof will be in the reaction of the people he talked to. People with their hearts set on the big D love people talking down the marriage, it gives them strength and encouragement they are doing the right thing. There is a huge need for support on both sides. If they back off of you then it was on your behalf. If they don't then there are many possibilities. Don't read too much into it, hes still handing you a blank page.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Yeah hes very cautious of what he says! I think the sign im looking for is maybe he invites me to do something with him or a smile, i really feel like he goes back and forth with me. Somedays hes so distant some hes friendlier. Yet hes been chosing his words way more carefully but tet he was super nice and inviting when i came by his work. Very mixed signals

[Yasuandio]

What you wrote was very nice, Tojaz. Boosted my ego a bit. I so wish I was tech savvy. Michelle Weiner Davis sent out an e-Mail today, on this topic about a study regarding "divorce being contagious." I loved her response. Basically, she said, when you hang out with people that have bad habits, especially, health-wise, it can rub off. While media went nuts about the study, Weiner-Davis wasn't moved one way or the other. I suppose the moral of her article was "try to associate with people that practice decent morality." Duh. Maybe you can find the article on her website or blog. Leave a copy for H to read with his morning coffee.

Edited July 27, 2012 by Yasuandio

[AllieKat]

Red light:

Sent H a text to see if he was busy he texted me back 10 mins later and said I just now punched out for lunch, so i responded saying ok i was going to see if you could talk. He instantly calls me! I just told him I had a few questions and he said to ask him anything so I wanted to know how it went with second lady and his thoughts about whether they were lying or not. He said a few things that alarmed me like he didnt want these ppl gossiping about "him" and if i wanted to say something independently go for it. Kinda made me feel like he was letting it be known we arent a we! He also told me he told the one lady who made a comment about him maybe cheating since he wont make up with me that he made it clear to her that he has absolutly no interest in anyone "right now" that really bothered me though i wasnt there to heat what he said and he knows we dont talk. then he quoted me as saying i said this one lady said such and such and i said no that isnt what i said. He said your backtracking.. I said no.. Needless to say he said well this conversation is going the wrong way and i just punched back in to work, i said bye and he just hung up!

 

So frustrating! I gotta say though the fact hes been willing to talk to me makes me wonder if hes really done and the fact hes the one calling me if i ask. Before he would of ignored me but i feel as if he wants to talk too. On the other hand he isnt giving me any hope either he seems to be cautious what he says. Hasnt brought bankruptcy up either.

[Freckas]

I feel like from what I read, is that your spouse feels this punishment will shake you into reality of making you be more forthcoming about your health issues. This is a loss that is shared. Though you feel its just you who has to experience, which I can agree with, he must feel a large part of it too if not equal.

 

Punishment is too much for you to handle stress "the silent killer" i watched on netflix, causes so much problems with immune system and other areas.

this can continue, because its not getting better.

 

Also it seems like Stonewalling is canceling out your "crime"

I think it would be good for him to "happen upon" or "run across" this site.

 

to prove that you are sincerely paying for your dishonesty and that further proving yourself is not necessary for the marriage to continue.

And to see that people in general think you have repented so to speak.

 

But to answer your question, talk about things that even though you dont care about will peak his interest. I dont want to sound immature or silly, because your situation is very serious and so is your loss. But if you could start up conversations here and there until they get more and more frequent. Even if it is something like " I searched online for that item you mentioned and havent gotten a response back from the buyer"

something that will peak his interest.

 

and Im not comparing your situation to my , I have alot of sympathy and respect for your emotional hardships, but wanted to add that my husband puts standup comedians on. When Im fuming siliently about something, and I over hear a funny joke its so so very hard to stay mad.

 

asking for help on making a doghouse or writing christmas cards early, or making a no soliciting sign, will get you back into teamwork again.

 

He loves you and Im sorry you have an additional problem over the difficulty you originally experienced.

[AllieKat]

I know I shouldnt obsess over everything but its just me trying to give all details. As I'm wondering where H is but not expecting him to come home early after the tiff on the phone he sends me a text.

 

H-Just so nobody has the opportunity to tell you something else that is flat out wrong, I am still at work getting some overtime. No clue when I will be finished.

 

I think thats another good sign. Hes letting me know hes still at work, kinda a funny thing if he doesnt care what i think.

 

Why do i still have that voice in my head wondering if hes really still at work?

[eeyore1981]

I should probably keep my mouth shut but I'm speaking anyway, take it or leave it.

 

I don't know your husband, but from what I've read in here, I certainly don't like him.

 

I read what you did, and while it's not great, it's not like he caught you in bed with his father...

 

I just can't believe the way he is acting over this.

 

I lost my fourth child at 10.5 weeks. I don't know why, and neither does the doctor. I was devastated. When I got pregnant again, I was irrational as all h*ll. I wouldn't allow anyone other than my husband to know until I was around five months along, because I was so afraid I would lose this one, too, and I just didn't think I could take it if anyone knew. It wasn't that I thought people would think badly of me, it was I didn't want the sympathy or the pity or whatever, I thought it would drive me insane.

 

If I had started going through with this child what I had gone through with the previous one, I don't know if I would have said anything, I don't even know if I would have gone to the doctor.

 

This is hard on both the parents, but it's worse on the mother, because along with the loss, there's also the hormones throwing your body and your emotions out of whack. Factor in what happens when you go through a miscarriage and then having to face another one....

 

I just don't get why your husband is being IMO such an A$$!

[AllieKat]

Eeyore- i gotta admit it really seems as though most women i talk to completly understand to some point. Thanks for being one of them! Im sorry for your loss, I cant even imagine that

Edited July 27, 2012 by AllieKat

[tojaz]

What you wrote was very nice, Tojaz. Boosted my ego a bit. I so wish I was tech savvy. Michelle Weiner Davis sent out an e-Mail today, on this topic about a study regarding "divorce being contagious." I loved her response. Basically, she said, when you hang out with people that have bad habits, especially, health-wise, it can rub off. While media went nuts about the study, Weiner-Davis wasn't moved one way or the other. I suppose the moral of her article was "try to associate with people that practice decent morality." Duh. Maybe you can find the article on her website or blog. Leave a copy for H to read with his morning coffee.

Well I meant it Yas, you shouldn't doubt yourself so much.

I would like to see a copy of that article. Can you send me a link?

[tojaz]

I know I shouldnt obsess over everything but its just me trying to give all details. As I'm wondering where H is but not expecting him to come home early after the tiff on the phone he sends me a text.

 

H-Just so nobody has the opportunity to tell you something else that is flat out wrong, I am still at work getting some overtime. No clue when I will be finished.

 

I think thats another good sign. Hes letting me know hes still at work, kinda a funny thing if he doesnt care what i think.

 

Why do i still have that voice in my head wondering if hes really still at work?

 

I'm more curious who he's referring to? Am I missing something here Allie?

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

The gossiping ppl is who hes referring too.

[trippi1432]

Yas - I got the same article...and I can agree to a point. I remember a long time ago in my childhood my father telling me to position myself with like-minded people...something in common. I would say that people of a certain feather "flock together". I guess I've always been an outsider to that because I held my personal beliefs at my core. Each individual is unique. When I was going through my own divorce, my own mother started doubting her marriage, I immediately set her straight...this was not about her and her own internal unhappiness that she needed to address with a man who gave her the world, this was my battle with a man who never treated me well...a man who gave her everything to make her happy, but she internally never was, is her own issue, it didn't compare.

 

Women can conglomerate and complain about similar things....honestly, so can men. At the end of man versus woman....well, each can go home alone, but satisfied that someone out there who is also alone can empathize with them. There really is a choice. Researchers can say an awful lot, but like the article...is divorce contagious...it depends on the person. Are they a follower or a leader? See, a leader is someone who believes as much in their own selves as they do the person who loves them, that's the person who goes home after a gripe friend's session and is thankful for what they have.....the follower goes home and doubts what they have. Issues they themselves need to resolve.

[trippi1432]

I'm sorry I misunderstood Ms. Allie. I'm very defensive about this illness. And I have been called psychotic and crazy on LS before, and it made me feel like no longer contributing. It is I that jumped conclusions, I apologize again. I'm under a lot of pressure rite now with divorce trial coming August 20, and my Mom on ventilator - not expected to live. I need to just shut up. Everything looks bad/negative thru my eyes right now. Again, apologies from me, Yas

 

Getting caught up....for the past couple of days I keep seeing your car in my town sweets, I think that is a sign that you have been heavily on my mind. If you need me there Yas, I'm there. My number hasn't change C....call me. I can be there for you if you want me to be. Some times people forget that behind these threads there are real people who need to know that someone cares about them and I have never stopped caring about you Yas.

 

Your contributions here Yas...are some of the most insightful ones, don't ever stop contributing.

[trippi1432]

Allie - am I to understand this correctly? You both were involved in a "board" of some kind, obviously a bunch of "hens" who like to lay bad eggs to coin a pun. Do you really expect your husband to go into a slaughter? Why should he? His affiliation is to support a cause and to do something he likes to do which is work on cars. Now, put the shoe on the other foot...if you were doing something that you loved and the person you were with made a stink that everyone was talking about...who would need to say ENOUGH?

 

Honestly, you just entered man territory. There is not a single man who wants to be a part of the heckling woman tribe. He doesn't want to be in the middle and is taking himself out of it, unless he started it, I think he is doing an honorable thing. Whether you believe it or not..he is still standing.......but he expects you to meet him halfway and end that part of it. I don't think he asked for it to be honest.

[AllieKat]

Trippi- yes we were both on a board. Hes the vp still. And all the other members are women and yes they are hens! Lol

[trippi1432]

Well, like hens, they like to hear their own clucking. I really wouldn't worry too much about them Allie. Basically, you know that they aren't people you want to share your business with...and unfortunately, until they have something or someone better to cluck about it may be your situation for a little while longer. Eventually though, be assured they will find something else.

 

As to your husband, well the last thing a man wants to be in is a hen house. So, the way I see it is that he is actually being totally normal in the way he is going about it. He is still on the board, that's important to him....he's still friends with the woman's husband, that's important to him too...he's still your husband, if that wasn't important to him, he would have moved out by now. You aren't on the board or the association anymore, so now the hens are putting him the middle so they still have something to cluck about. He's letting them know to remove him from the clucking.

[AllieKat]

Lol at the clucking! Thanks Trippi for reminding me my marriage is still important to him or he would of moved out. Its easy to forget the facts when im not seeing affection or him saying lets reconcile. He did shoot me a text when he was leaving work last night.

 

Tojaz told me on here before that we have come a long way since this post started and he was right. Reading back through it I see improvement and i hope it continues. I agree H is being cautious and guarded and is careful not to say or do anything that screams recon. But he also isnt doing anything that screams D either.

 

This week was a big week for us! I was able to open up to H and ask him some ?'s, he told me questions are fine, i was able to go talk face to face and he was very kind about it, hes called me this week when i've asked him if he was busy, and hes even made a point on texting me on his own. Its not much but its a start. And i honestly dont believe these are actions if someone who wants out, i just think the hurt for him was much more than i can understand and its going to take time to rebuild

[tojaz]

Lol at the clucking! Thanks Trippi for reminding me my marriage is still important to him or he would of moved out. Its easy to forget the facts when im not seeing affection or him saying lets reconcile. He did shoot me a text when he was leaving work last night.

 

Tojaz told me on here before that we have come a long way since this post started and he was right. Reading back through it I see improvement and i hope it continues. I agree H is being cautious and guarded and is careful not to say or do anything that screams recon. But he also isnt doing anything that screams D either.

 

This week was a big week for us! I was able to open up to H and ask him some ?'s, he told me questions are fine, i was able to go talk face to face and he was very kind about it, hes called me this week when i've asked him if he was busy, and hes even made a point on texting me on his own. Its not much but its a start. And i honestly dont believe these are actions if someone who wants out, i just think the hurt for him was much more than i can understand and its going to take time to rebuild

It has been a big week and I'm very happy for the direction it has taken.

 

Don't discount yourself though Allie, you have hurt of your own that deserves your attention (and eventually his) as well. Don't let you lose sight of that while your focus is on him. All things in balance Allie.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Well this Am it went sour! I asked H if he went to races and he got smart with me and i let him know i just didnt think him coming home at 3am was good married behavior. He said he doesnt care what i think he stopped by his friends and was hanging out. I said its not fair to be living a single life when your married. He screamed at me and i told him maybe its time he makes a move toward his goal because my dd and i cant do this any longer.

 

He said just so i know nothings changed and he wants out still. I said thats sad i really had hoped wed work things out and he said no because im a liar! He said you lied right to my face and i cant believe anything you say anymore. He said this whole situation sucks and its your fault. He said all i do is try to find evidence hes cheating and hes not! I told him i had hopedhed understand and forgive me. That he wouldnt judge me on amonths worth of mistakes. Or throw our marriage away on a months worth of mistakes. He didnt say anything else.

[tojaz]

Good for you Allie. Standing up for yourself and your marriage, I know that was hard and that it didn't go the way you had hoped, but I'm still happy you got it out there.

 

As for the things he said, thats going to take some time. He said a lot in those few sentences. Whats next for Allie?

 

TOJAZ