Forgiveness

[AllieKat]

I want to add this in too becsuse it pertains.. DD wont speak to H anymore. I asked her why she just said im mad at him! I told to before to act as she feels with him. I didnt want to tell her what to say or put her in middle. So before she felt like talking but since back from beach shes only simply thanked him for card. I dont wannt make her talk but Im sure he thinks Ive turned her against him.

 

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

[AllieKat]

Btw- I really do appreciate all the advice even Tripp ! I appreciate that many of you are trying to help me before I am divorced! I didnt think ppl were telling me stuff to help me but i felt like ppl just wanted to be Husband Haters! A lot of advice i get from friends is kick him out hes gotta be cheating and move in. Most ppl think divorce is best option always, in my case I dont. Im trying to understand how hes feeling like suggested but I keep coming back to I feel like I would understand, so obviously Im not quite there. He did tell me too that him choosing divorce has much to do with the lies as the threats previously.

[tojaz]

Im very sorry for what you've gone through and what your going through thats awful!

 

Its hard to think someone who "loved us" can become so different.

 

I'm honestly not ready to face or accept divorce( big surprise right?...lol)

You know deep down I just want everyone to say it will be ok, though nobody knows.

 

Yesterday, i went to a picnic with daughter with good friends and i had a breakdown and decided to leave. I let my daughter stay so she could have fun and not have to see me like that. Upon driving home i had a dizzy spell/blackout and almost wrecked my car. My hand, arm and leg went completely numb. I pulled over quickly and dialed 911. Ambulance came and took me to er. While there I decided to text hubby to let him know car was on side of road and i coukdnt drive it because i had numbness and i had to leave it but I would have someone help me get it later. I figured he had a right to now since its his car too. His response was "WTF you cant just leave a car on the side of the road, it will get towed, I will get it" i responded back that i was almost in a wreck and ambulance took me that i had no choice but to leave it. He asked where i was and i said ER, then he asked where daughter was and i told him and he said do you need me to pick her up? I said no she was having fun. He said well let me know when your done and ill pick you up and whatever the arrangements are i can pick her up anytime.

 

He never asked if i was ok or needed anything! When i was done he picked me up and went to get my daughter. I guess hell do the bare min to help but Im started to realize he just honestly may not care any longer. Its hard for me cause hes honestly done a 180 literally from the guy I used to know.

 

I will attempt to keep my mouth shut and stop asking him questions but he didnt seem to care when i kept quiet either. Nothing seems to help with this

 

Allie, bottom line here is that you cannot define yourself through him or your relationship with him. That has been what you have done up to now and he has used it to his advantage every step of the way.

 

Nobody is really telling you to give up and accept divorce. I have always clung to the belief that you go down fighting and to the last gasp. That means learning, knowing what your up against. Knowing where it came from, how it developed. A bad analogy is that up until now you have been playing defense. Trying to deflect his attacks (so to speak) as they come and just hoping to out last him and that it would blow over. It hasn't. You have tried initiating conversation hoping that he would take it where it needs to go, he hasn't. You have tried the 180 but fold when you need it most.

 

Up until this point you have been reactive "how do I stop this" but you need to be proactive "how did this happen". That is going to be good for you however the cards fall. If the opportunity comes, you will be ahead of the curve, knowing what part you played, what part he played, and how the storm developed. If it goes to D then you still have the knowledge to own your part and avoid carrying it into the next relationship.

 

I won't rehash my D for you, its here on LS buried. I will say that I did not start to become proactive until I didn't have a choice. I was too focused on trying to find ways to stay connected with her, I had no clue what to do with it except lay ground work for more contact. Remember quality vs quantity?? Heres where it comes into play. I was pushing for quantity. It wasn't until our first and last session of MC where she severed the last fragile tie that I actually reflected on the breakdown as a whole rather then just deflecting her blows. It was all I had left. She had run for the hills waiting for her attorney and the paperwork to do the dirty work so she didn't have to face it.

 

Without the panic and ticking clock of impending divorce over my shoulder, I was able to reflect. It took a long time to catch up because it happened very fast. Once she was removed from the equation and it was just me. I could see more clearly, see my mistakes and some of hers. Had to accept I would probably never know the whole story, but I could know my side and work from there.

 

Thats where you are now Allie. Hes not going to help you. Its time to help yourself. Time to work on you, for you! Maybe he will like the result.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Maybe Im clueless but what Im struggling with is how to show DH! I understand why we are where we are, and telling him its not going to happen again isnt flying and he needs to see actions but Im not sure how to show that.

 

In therapy Im learning to ground myself when him and I communicate as opposed to flying off handle and losing temper and saying things I'll regret (ex. divorce threats) and when we talked that Friday and he said D even then I kept my cool to him it took some tongue biting but I did it.

 

I just need help knowing how to show this when the majority of time we are around each other hes silent. Or hes avoiding me by leaving.

 

What do I do if hes not talking to me at all. Because he makes no communication he just sits on couch and watches tv or plays on cell, or sleeps. I think thats where I fell off the wagon so to speak, I felt like if we didnt talk some more distance would grow and it would be a longer road back if there was even a road. When i would talk to him and wouldnt get the reaction i wanted to hoped for Id get all down and panicky.

[tojaz]

Maybe Im clueless but what Im struggling with is how to show DH! I understand why we are where we are, and telling him its not going to happen again isnt flying and he needs to see actions but Im not sure how to show that.

 

In therapy Im learning to ground myself when him and I communicate as opposed to flying off handle and losing temper and saying things I'll regret (ex. divorce threats) and when we talked that Friday and he said D even then I kept my cool to him it took some tongue biting but I did it.

 

I just need help knowing how to show this when the majority of time we are around each other hes silent. Or hes avoiding me by leaving.

 

What do I do if hes not talking to me at all. Because he makes no communication he just sits on couch and watches tv or plays on cell, or sleeps. I think thats where I fell off the wagon so to speak, I felt like if we didnt talk some more distance would grow and it would be a longer road back if there was even a road. When i would talk to him and wouldnt get the reaction i wanted to hoped for Id get all down and panicky.

 

>speaking louder< DO IT FOR YOU!!!

 

If you are doing anything, making changes etc. for him to see, then it is not real change. It is manipulation. That sounds harsh Allie, but its the truth. If it means nothing to you if he doesn't react, then it is not real and will not last.

 

I do so hate quoting myself, but..

Allie, bottom line here is that you cannot define yourself through him or your relationship with him.

 

So back to the begining...

 

basically a little over a week ago hubby and I got in fight on phone. He annoyed me and hurt my feelings so I said in anger "I'm so sick of this marriage" and he got upset I then basically told him it was all his fault and I hung up.

 

What was this fight about?

 

 

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

The fight was because I was mad he wasnt listening to me and hearing me! My mom had called me (we havent spoke in 5 years) out of the blue and left me a msg asking for DD's social security number. So i freaked thinking she was up to something and called Hubby, he was busy and kinda blew it off as no big deal and i got mad and said that crap

[Yasuandio]

Dear Abbie,

 

I'm going to make a few points here.

 

"My hand, arm and leg went completely numb. I pulled over quickly and dialed 911. Ambulance came and took me to er. While there I decided to text hubby to let him know car was on side of road and i coukdnt drive it because i had numbness and i had to leave it but I would have someone help me get it later. I figured he had a right to now since its his car too. "

 

Problem Number 1. Look at what you wrote in this compound sentence. You seemed capable to arrange to have the car picked up later, however, you still "decided to text hubby...since it's his car too."

 

What I believe is that you wanted hubby to see you were in the ER, you NEEDED some sympathy, isn't that correct? I'm not saying it is wrong to want your spouse by your side when you are in the hospital - but, please, (perhaps I'm wrong, but), this appears to be manipulative. Furthermore - the most important information I would have liked to know in this post is the diagnosis you received from the ER (maybe I missed it, or it is posted somewhere else). I don't thnk it was mentioned. I am not suggesting you were faking it, I'm saying "get your priorities straightened out." If you are having numbness- that could be a sign of a serious heart condition, or something equally as bad.

 

You also implied you had arrangements for your daughter's return home, but after receiving your dramatic text - I have no doubt husband felt "between a rock and a hard place, sprinkled liberally with terrible guilty - and pressure." Of course he wanted to pick up your daughter - but you may have put him in a Catch 22 situation. No wonder this man is ticked off, Allie.

 

Now, tell us, what was the diagnosis, and, most importantly, how are you going to follow up on this medical situation you are experienced or are experiencing? You cannot play around with mind games when you have a medical issue that can possibly cause you to wreck a car, or serious physical event.

 

I see other issues. I will address number two later on. Please arrange to see your MD toot sweet tomorrow for a full check-up. Yas

[AllieKat]

They did ct scan and chest x-ray both ok! They diagnosed me with vertigo for the dizziness and directed me to see nuerologist! I had this issue in the winter as well but it stopped and i never got it checked out. I guess i was letting hubby know about car because i did want him to know i was in er! I wanted him there but i knew he wouldnt come.

 

Daughter didnt want to ride home with hubby alone so when he picked me up we went to get her.

[Yasuandio]

The fight was because I was mad he wasnt listening to me and hearing me! My mom had called me (we havent spoke in 5 years) out of the blue and left me a msg asking for DD's social security number. So i freaked thinking she was up to something and called Hubby, he was busy and kinda blew it off as no big deal and i got mad and said that crap

 

Problem Number 2. You seem to be getting "mad" again. And...your anger, stems from husband's lack of response to your continued TALKING. In post #25, you said you were going to stop this. I also prefer not to quote myself - but I seem to recall suggesting a dozen times that you refraing from talking, continued, apologies, repeated proclamations of your love, and discussions of the current state of affairs.

 

So. Here we go again, with a side order of paranoia. OK, your Mother, whom you haven't spoken to in five years, may be up to something because she wants daughter's SS number. THEN DON'T GIVE TO HERE, AND STFU. You are showing your cards, girl. And you are bugging your husband, who was probably "busy" at work. So you just got mad and "Said that crap." Wonderful.

 

Look what you said a little over a week ago - after all the good advice you have received on LS. After the huge mistake that brought you to LS in the first place, you had to say "I'm so sick of this marriage...it's you're fault, click...." because you were annoyed.

 

Allie, you better get a grip. You are allienating your husband day by day, week by week. You need to see a doctor - perhaps your hormorens are out of wack or something. who knows - but your behaviours are not in your best interest.

 

I totally can relate. I have been there - still am. I want people to tell me when my behaviour i screwed up - so I know it. My behaviors are affected by a brain chemical imbalance, and often the very drugs used to treat the disorder cause strange personality changes. Stress is also a factor. I am here with you. Please accept one person's objective opinion for only what it is - it is just one person's perception. I am not ganging up on you. I'm trying to help you.

 

If anyone thinks I'm weird or manic, tell me, and I'll apologize. Yas

[Yasuandio]

They did ct scan and chest x-ray both ok! They diagnosed me with vertigo for the dizziness and directed me to see nuerologist! I had this issue in the winter as well but it stopped and i never got it checked out. I guess i was letting hubby know about car because i did want him to know i was in er! I wanted him there but i knew he wouldnt come.

 

Daughter didnt want to ride home with hubby alone so when he picked me up we went to get her.

 

An outstanding response. Truthfully, I expected you to be defensive. I am proud of you Allie! Now -- when will you follow up on the vertigo?

[AllieKat]

Well, they gave me a script i got filled and the pills work great! I already have appt friday for depression so Im going to include the latest issues too! Im going to call neurologist tomorrow for the numbness!

 

Thx for the perspective you gave! I can handle the truth its all in an effort to help

[tojaz]

Ok Allie. Taking into consideration all that has been put on here and the insight in Yas's posts and looking deeper. Can you see a pattern developing?

[AllieKat]

Just to clarify that fight where i said that stuff and hung up was the original fight that brought me to LS in April.

 

Just clarifying cause I wanted to make sure you didnt think or read that that just happened.

[AllieKat]

Tojaz- yes I can see a pattern! Im to implusive and paranoid. Im pretty sure it comes from insecurity which has NOTHING TO DO WITH HUBBY! I act out of fear when things dont go my way or when i feel like im not getting what i want.

 

I need to learn my grounding techniques better and think before I speak and act! Listening should be what i work on more.

[Yasuandio]

Tojaz- yes I can see a pattern! Im to implusive and paranoid. Im pretty sure it comes from insecurity which has NOTHING TO DO WITH HUBBY! I act out of fear when things dont go my way or when i feel like im not getting what i want.

 

I need to learn my grounding techniques better and think before I speak and act! Listening should be what i work on more.

 

Nothing personal -- but all that grounding and listening technique you are learning about doesn't seem to be working. Further, it's all that is easier said than done. Have you considered just "zipping your lip" with the apologies, the "I love you's," and the inquiries about the future? I suppose I would be more concerned with NOT TALKING rather than listening at the moment. There's really nothing to listen to, correct? Practicing "listening skills," at this time, could be ill advised - since you don't respond well to silence.

 

What about the Mother situation in Problem #2? Was that not just a week ago? How would you have been suspictious or paranoid about it if there was not already an issue brewing?

 

I apologize in advance if I've become mixed up from the various threads. Please advise. Y

Edited July 2, 2012 by Yasuandio

[AllieKat]

I guess i thought/think if i say nothing to hubby it will just seem like i dont care!

 

 

Mother issue happened in April thats what sparked the D fight, not her but my behavior when she called and left me a msg! It threw me for a loop she would call me. And then I called hubby and i was telling him and he didnt seem so concerned and it upset me and i said that i was sick of marriage..etc!

 

No worries its a detailed hard story to follow

[tojaz]

Just to clarify that fight where i said that stuff and hung up was the original fight that brought me to LS in April.

 

Just clarifying cause I wanted to make sure you didnt think or read that that just happened.

 

I'm pretty familiar with your threads by now. There was another fight previous that you had threatened divorce as well, was it on a similar topic?

 

Tojaz- yes I can see a pattern! Im to implusive and paranoid. Im pretty sure it comes from insecurity which has NOTHING TO DO WITH HUBBY! I act out of fear when things dont go my way or when i feel like im not getting what i want.

 

I need to learn my grounding techniques better and think before I speak and act! Listening should be what i work on more.

 

Well what I'm seeing is a constant push/pull situation.

 

Pull: Hubby doesn't listen enough, Not enough interaction, New thread on LS to try and coax more responses

 

Push: Threatening divorce, Isolating yourself in your room, "Don't like my thread don't read it".

 

There is very little middle ground.

 

You also seem to feel you have to be in constant action, even if that action isn't good for you there always has to be something on your plate and have trouble relating to a situation unless you are acting on it. Thus the impulsive outbursts. You seem to be in constant search of the next battle, and when you don't find it, you seem to create it.

 

Yes, No? Thoughts?

 

TOJAZ

[Yasuandio]

Well, it's a matter of, do you think it's better to risk your perception that he may think you do not care, or, the obvious conclusion that you are criving him insane (and simultaniously pushing him away) with your talking?

 

Listen girl. I can relate to this. I talk way too much just naturally - and now, I must take amphetamines for adult ADHD that seems to accompany this disorder I have. I have asked the doctor, over and over, "don't you have a pill to give that will make me shut up?

 

So don't feel bad. A trick I use is to just think about my mouth moving all the time. Then -- I watch other people's mouth's moving. Walmart is a good place to see this. Look around you, and try to find someone that is talking a lot -- and just watch their mouth going and going, like the Ever-Ready Bunny Rabbit. This will give you a clue, sometimes a BIG CLUE.

 

It is much more elegant to be silent, mysterious. Doesn't that sound more attractive? Yas

[trippi1432]

If I can add, Allie, while you have every right to assert how hubby treats you and your daughter you also need to look at the timing of communication. When your husband was talking to you the other night about the marriage, I don't feel that this was the optimal time to assert that. It was a time to listen to him and allow him to feel heard. That's how to gain trust back in communicating.

 

Perhaps it would have been better at that time to ask him what he feels would make the marriage healthy again? From my perspective, his saying that you hurt him, this you know and realize, but he also said that he doesn't think you love him....to me that tells me he does not feel heard in the relationship.

 

He iniated convo. It was basically him telling me when he would start job and I needed to get my own insurance. I asked why and he stamerred around and finally said he wants to file bankruptcy then " you know" i said what is "you know" and he finally said get a divorce. I said are you unwilling to try counseling? He said no i wont go, then he went into how Ive hurt him 3 times in the last 14 months and he cant do it anymore. He said last time he found the forgiveness and pushed himself through it before I announced I was even preggo but hes not doing it again. He said i hurt him and he doesnt even think i love him.

 

I told him i love him very much and I was sorry about hurting him, he said he has no guarantees its not going to happen again and my word doesnt mean anything anymore. He said I knew how serious it was to get the bloodwork done and i just skipped it! He said that was a life and death decision i made without him. He said this is not easy for him but he says this relationship isnt going in a healthy direction.

 

I did tell him what things were unacceptable( coming home late, ignoring daughter, not communicating.etc) He told me im in position to tell him what is acceptable. He turned really red in the face towards the end like he was going to cry and he just stared at me with such a hurt look, then he left and came back 2 1/2 hours later.

[AllieKat]

I'm pretty familiar with your threads by now. There was another fight previous that you had threatened divorce as well, was it on a similar topic?

 

 

 

Well what I'm seeing is a constant push/pull situation.

 

Pull: Hubby doesn't listen enough, Not enough interaction, New thread on LS to try and coax more responses

 

Push: Threatening divorce, Isolating yourself in your room, "Don't like my thread don't read it".

 

There is very little middle ground.

 

You also seem to feel you have to be in constant action, even if that action isn't good for you there always has to be something on your plate and have trouble relating to a situation unless you are acting on it. Thus the impulsive outbursts. You seem to be in constant search of the next battle, and when you don't find it, you seem to create it.

 

Yes, No? Thoughts?

 

TOJAZ

 

Back in feb of 2011 was my first threat of divorce we got into a fight about nothing and i just kept pushing to get him to react and so i kept saying things and trying to get a reaction.

 

On friday sited these 3 fights as why hes done. I think some of what you say may be true. I dont feel like im create a fight i think i try to win it by finishing it. Stupid either way

[Yasuandio]

Yes, I really like the way your "listening" now. But, I prefer the word absorbing.

 

Tonight, what you have reveived from two vets, and a disordered bi-polar, would cost you two years in therapy. I suggest you visualize yourself as a sponge - read this thread over and over again.

 

Learn about the people who have been there. You now know their stories. If you desire, you can find out more. The trick is to look beyond your personal situation. When your in a jam, it can seem like "it's all about you.". But really, your situation is not so unique.

 

I think you are just spinning, and are in reactionary mode. You gotta get a grip. Said and said again. That is what 180 is for.

 

Are you familiar with Divorce Buster's? There is something going on with their on-line blog with regards to a boot-camp. Essentially, on-line vets are teaming up with folk in trouble with their marriage like you. They are typically the person that is on the short end of the stick, like you.

 

On this current buddy system, boot-camp, whatever, the vet pushes you with your 180, your goals, and you GALing (getting a life). You may be the perfect canidate for this free intensive on-line workshop. It is not unlike LS, it is just extremely consistent, and there are expectations of you. It may be a good idea for u to look into before you do any more damage.

 

Again, my best advice to you is to research the responses you've received. I also think you should identify your growth in the past days, and keep it moving forward.

 

Again, one step at a time. Zip the lip, as this is causing the most damage. If you can concentrate on listening, as Trippie suggests, all the better. Damage control may be a useful priority at the moment. When u see the doc, maybe u can ask for a mild tranc. The reality is that the survival of your marriage, and a stable environment for your daughter cannot afford anymore meltdown dramas. You get me? Sleep good, beautiful, sassy girl! Yas

[tojaz]

Back in feb of 2011 was my first threat of divorce we got into a fight about nothing and i just kept pushing to get him to react and so i kept saying things and trying to get a reaction.

 

On friday sited these 3 fights as why hes done. I think some of what you say may be true. I dont feel like im create a fight i think i try to win it by finishing it. Stupid either way

 

Well lets look at the details. Mother calls you out of the blue, where did your mind go???? It went to "shes up to something" and then you felt you had to protect yourself. So you called DH and filled him in. He most likely saw it as a phone message and reacted as such. You were already in defense mode and had skipped ahead three pages to whatever your mother might have been plotting and became upset that your H didn't see the same thing. That argument pushed you to the brink of divorce! Over what?

 

Lashing out at Trippi on her post. Why? Because she had a few of the details wrong. Even though those details didn't really take anything away from what she had to say.

 

Even in dealing with H you tend to select the worst possible scenario for things that might likely have a very common explanation. Realizing you didn't have a key to his car lead you to him hiding documents there, him pulling back from you after a fight lead you to interrogate his friends and monitor phone records.

 

One of the things that make LS work is the fact that people see things in others situations that they might not otherwise see in themselves. Everythings clear when your peeking through the window at someone elses situation where you can remain detached and unclouded by emotion. I'm not saying you wake up in the morning and decide that since its a quiet day your going to start a fight. I think you have a hard time trusting situations and letting them unfold on their own. I also feel that you try very hard to shield yourself from these threats any way you can, be it by striking first, hiding, or flat out avoiding situations where you fear the possibility of disappointment and hurt.

 

Obviously most people are inclined to do that, but you have to make those decisions based on good information and that only comes from allowing life to play out. Take a minute and look at the interactions that I just mentioned and maybe some others I havent. Now put yourself in the other persons shoes, working without your own inner dialogue, just how they would have seen your reaction. What do you see?

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Im going to do my damndess to zip the lip. I said nothing to him yesterday and ofcourse he said nothing to me. Im sure this is how things will go because he seems to have nothing he wants to talk to me about :-(

 

As you all know this is the hard part for me. In many ways its like hes doing the 180 to me

[trippi1432]

Back in feb of 2011 was my first threat of divorce we got into a fight about nothing and i just kept pushing to get him to react and so i kept saying things and trying to get a reaction.

 

On friday sited these 3 fights as why hes done. I think some of what you say may be true. I dont feel like im create a fight i think i try to win it by finishing it. Stupid either way

 

Allie, pushing to get a reaction is like starting the fight...and worse yet, ensuring that you win by finishing it, this is something you really need to look at as a whole. And it is something that you CAN change the more you become aware of it and the role you play in it.

 

I will give you an example from my marriage, my exH was/is a very impulsive man and would typically stop at nothing to get his way in an argument. Unfortunately a trait that our almost 17 year old son has. The first time I really saw this behavior in its worst form was when I was pregnant with our son. My daughter from a previous marriage and I were sitting at the table playing cards and my (now) exH wanted the attention on him. He was chugging away on his beer and I was not giving him the attention he felt he should be getting. For over an hour, the man kept coming up to me and saying horrible things in my ear and then trying to cover it with "You know I love you" words next....back and forth until I finally gave in and gave him a reaction. As you can guess, it was not a good reaction. As he stood there laughing at me, he basically won because I gave him what he wanted...a reaction. I'm not saying that things are like this in your marriage, as the above is extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive. However, the underlying pushing for a reaction and the need to come out on top (winning) are the same.

 

After several of these, the person on the receiving end starts to peel back the layers of the relationship, they start to see the other person as someone completely different than the person they loved, the value of the relationship starts to become jeopardized. Mutual respect starts to dwindle.

 

One thing you do have Allie, is the capacity to start seeing yourself and the role you play in your marriage in situations like this. Just by what you have stated here, you do realize some of the role you play, therefore I think you are fully capable of self-awareness. Once we are self-aware, you can start practicing the ability to think before you speak.

 

Yas has brought up Divorce Busting, Michelle Weiner Davis actually has a lot of videos on a popular video service online (starts with You and ends with Tube - making sure I don't get dinged by the admins here, but you get the gist I hope). Some personal favorites I like are Save Your Marriage: It Takes One to Tango, Save Your Marriage: Communication Tips for Women, Save My Marriage: Actions speak louder than Words, Save My Marriage - How to talk to your spouse, and my personal favorite....How to save your marriage - Act as If. Take some time to look these titles up, I think they can speak volumes to what you are experiencing.

 

Also, Tojaz has given you a lot of great advice and he is absolutely correct that it is much easier for us here to see what is going on from more than one perspective. Just like therapy though, people need the whole story and not bits and pieces. We all make mistakes....that's how we learn. It's not just what your husband is doing to you, to your daughter, but it's the dynamic of the role each of you play in the relationship. You will never change someone, but you can change how things play out by changing how you deal with the situations. Even the one with your mother, if we treat it like drama, it becomes drama.

 

BTW - Thank you Tojaz.

[todreaminblue]

So my story is way long but in a nut shell I lied to husband about something while preggo. I came clean apologized a million times over but within the hour of telling him he claimed to be done and he wanted out of our marriage. This was followed by weeks of not speaking and a few blow out fights. Needless to say we are in week 5 of marriage falling apart and though we arent fighting or bickering hes on couch sans wedding ring and we barely talk unless I iniate. When we talk its civil. I miss him terribly but I feel like a sitting duck.

 

He has yet to file or etc but Im not sure if its because hes waiting or because hes not 100% sure. I dont want to ask because we just started being civil and talking some and I dont wanna force the issue, however Im baffled. It seems forgiveness is a long way away and he still seems mad! Any suggestions on how to show him I can be trusted again especially if hes not willing to believe my words

 

 

Give him the time he needs to forgive you.....if he can....as far as trust goes that will take longer.....and depending how destructive the lie was......the solution will be his to make there is nothing you can do now but wait.......i wish you luck...deb