Wife had an A, can't sleep or eat!

[Owl]

Yes. And if W is still insisting she told me everything? Go with?

 

Go with...after you've made it clear to her what the repercussions are if you find out later that she lied to you about having told you everything.

 

Make it very clear...she's got that 24 hours...if there's nothing left to tell you, then she won't have anything new to reveal in that 24 hours, but if she does have something, that 24 hours is when to do it.

 

You're not asking her if this is ok...you're telling her that given the 'trickle truth' you've read about in some of your learning about affairs, and how you've felt like you've received some of this in your own situation, this is what you're doing to prevent this from truly being an issue in your (joint) recovery.

 

If she doesn't come to you in that 24 hours...give her the benefit of the doubt. That doesn't mean stop verifying what she tells you...that just means that you're going to give her the time to prove to you that she's being honest with you now and going forward.

 

And remain prepared to put in place whatever repercussions you feel needed if you do indeed find out later that she continued to lie to you after that 'grace period' ended. Stay that way until you begin to rebuild trust in her. That will be months, if not years.

[drifter777]

Make it very clear...she's got that 24 hours...if there's nothing left to tell you, then she won't have anything new to reveal in that 24 hours, but if she does have something, that 24 hours is when to do it.

 

I'm afraid this will cause his wife to go into a "cleaning frenzy" erasing every loose end she has hanging out there. Of course, she will never erase them all and the trickle truth bomb will go off again.

 

OP: don't give her any time period to come clean. Have your bag and the divorce papers in your hand when you give her this final ultimatum. And as Owl said, just because she comes clean doesn't mean you won't walk out because the truth may be more than you are willing to accept. That's ok, that's your right. If she tells you "everything", just remember it will not be everything. She'll take most of the gory details to her grave, but she may reveal most of the important stuff without details. If it's good enough for you then continue IC & MC and working on reconciliation. More trickle truth and you end the marriage.

 

She's earned your scorn, your anger, and your ultimatum. As with most BS's, you are giving her way, way more credit than she deserves and are bending over backwards to "save" your marriage. Remember that taking the path of "false forgiveness" now because you think it will help end the pain and suffering you are going through will NOT work for long. Resist the urge to just get back to "normal" - it is a trap that many of us have fallen into and learned to painfully regret. I mean, she's deceived and lied so much it must be like breathing to her by now. Get tough, really tough if you want even a chance to reconcile.

[Hoping4Better]

If it's good enough for you then continue IC & MC and working on reconciliation. More trickle truth and you end the marriage.

We talked about that particular day again and I believe I 'got' my closure, ready to move on with MC. Nothing to add. W says wants to forget about the A altogether and work on reconciliation. She did say she didn't know whether MC will help our staying together but will try.

[drifter777]

We talked about that particular day again and I believe I 'got' my closure, ready to move on with MC. Nothing to add. W says wants to forget about the A altogether and work on reconciliation. She did say she didn't know whether MC will help our staying together but will try.

 

So, the roller coaster that is your emotional state is back on the upswing. I really hope you will stay there, but it's kind of like tossing a ball into the air and betting that it won't come down.

 

This is just so typical for a BS in the early stages after d-day. Maybe go back and read some early post's by Kidd/BetrayedH or the recent ones by Ninja'sHusband and try to learn something from the horror they went through. All these "I'm ready to move on" and "work on reconciliation" statements while dealing with continued lies, trickle-truth, and lack of complete NC are the recipe for divorce. Please listen to us! You are at the point where desperate action is required. You need to take a hard, unyielding stand on getting the whole truth right now as a condition of continuing the reconciliation process. The threat is that any further trickle-truth is a marriage breaker. You must force her to establish NC 100%. Period. No more phone calls or whatever in an attempt to gain "closure" with OM.

 

If either of the BS's I referred to had it to do over again I'm sure they would have tried the tough love route and demanded NC and full disclosure. They now know they should have walked out & filed for D at the point there WW began the TT and broke NC. Had they done that, maybe it would have shocked themselves and their WW out of the bulls*it zone and began the hard work of reconciliation based on the truth and a genuine desire BY BOTH OF THEM to make things work. They thought their approach was working, that it was the best approach for their situation. Wrong. Too much TT, lying, and arrogance by their WW for too long doomed their marriages. I'm sure either would tell you that once the TT started, it seemed as though it would never stop. Each time it is like being kicked in the balls by a horse, and in the end was the final deal-breaker.

 

You know in your heart what the right thing to do is, you just need to stop wishing this wasn't happening because it is and it's just going to get worse. My friend, you are reliving the nightmare that so many BS's before you have been through. You have a chance to change the outcome IF you change your behavior and your approach.

[anne1707]

So, the roller coaster that is your emotional state is back on the upswing. I really hope you will stay there, but it's kind of like tossing a ball into the air and betting that it won't come down.

 

This is just so typical for a BS in the early stages after d-day.

 

Yes, you can point H4B to threads where the reconciliation failed because the WS was still on the roller coaster. But then there are some WS like myself who were all over the place after dday but did then re-commit to the marriage and reconcile.

 

Each case is different - what is right for one poster is not right for another.

 

I do agree that H4B needs to get tough but he needs to decide how to do that, not us.

[drifter777]

Yes, you can point H4B to threads where the reconciliation failed because the WS was still on the roller coaster. But then there are some WS like myself who were all over the place after dday but did then re-commit to the marriage and reconcile.

 

Each case is different - what is right for one poster is not right for another.

 

I do agree that H4B needs to get tough but he needs to decide how to do that, not us.

 

I didn't point him to those threads because they failed, I pointed them to those threads because those BS's made excuses for their WW's continued lying, breaking NC, and general disrespect toward them & their marriage. These BS's hoped it all would work out if they just closed their eyes to what was happening and pretended their wives were actually committed to reconciliation - all evidence to the contrary.

 

Why do you repeat the tired, old phrase "each case is different"? I mean, do you think I or other veteran posters on this site don't already understand that fact? And yeah, he is the one who needs to decide what path he is going to take. I am simply giving him advice based on my experience. I thought that's what we are here for.

[anne1707]

I am simply giving him advice based on my experience.

 

As am I.

 

Not going to comment on the rest of your post as that would take things further off topic.

[2sunny]

I'm not seeing her being remorseful - she's acting like she's only sorry she got caught.

 

And now she's still doing what ever SHE WANTS (spending time and energy trying to focus on her OM instead of repairing the damage she caused).

 

She's taken it further under ground - that's not a good sign.

 

Tell everyone! Her family - all friends - and the OM's wife too! TODAY!!!

 

She's had very few consequences - she needs to feel the pain of what she's caused - have HER move today!

 

Have her figure out how to support herself! Cut off any way for her to access any money and accessing the house.

 

Make her SCARED that she's lost everything good about being married!

 

And no sex! Get tested!

 

Tell her their ARE consequences for HER bad behavior and these are some of the consequences SHE created!

 

Then hand her back that damn trac phone! Sheez, I'm sure she's already bought another one.

 

She isn't trying to make the M work - she's still trying to figure out how to continue screwing her MM.

 

It's over - its always been over - she's just playing you for the fool!

[Hoping4Better]

I finally sat her down and handed her the D papers I'd drawn after I found out from a buddy of mine that W had ****ed a guy - in a bathroom of a club - she works with after she was discovered of A a day after! W told me they were both drunk and quit as soon as they started. ****! It took me 5 hours to convince her to sign the papers, whole time her not wanting to sign. It's uncontested so it should be fairly easy process. Obviously W thought we were done from the way I acted d-day, I'm not trying to make excuse for her, she just didn't care at that point. She now really wants to work on M, I told her I didn't know whether I wanted her anymore or not. Why couldn't she in the first place try harder, why has to come to this? Oh yeah, she did agree to me letting OMW know of A. Finally when I decided end ours. How tragic.

Edited May 18, 2012 by Hoping4Better

[Hoping4Better]

I am contemplating on whether to tell OMW - she has Alzeimer's - of the affair. I was against it before, but this fool wants every chance I can to save 15 years of history with W if possible even after the D. Any thoughts?

[2sunny]

I am contemplating on whether to tell OMW - she has Alzeimer's - of the affair. I was against it before, but this fool wants every chance I can to save 15 years of history with W if possible even after the D. Any thoughts?

 

Yes his W deserves the truth. I don't think her Alzheimer's plays a part in knowing what her H has been doing. What she does or doesn't do with the info isn't your concern at this point.

 

Still wanting your cheating W at this stage - knowing all she is capable of - is an incredible thought.

 

You deserve better! She's not likely to stop cheating. At best - you can agree to an open M so you can date too...

 

Get tested for stds.

[Hoping4Better]

Yes his W deserves the truth. I don't think her Alzheimer's plays a part in knowing what her H has been doing. What she does or doesn't do with the info isn't your concern at this point.

I did deliver a written letter but I had to leave it at the front door, don't know who will get it first, couldn't wait too long for OMW to show up. Still don't know if I am doing the right thing, but I am hoping this will end A for good.

[y2k]

We've been married for 12 yrs and together for 15 so it was a total shock to find out she had an affair with one of her customers 2 days ago! Never saw that coming, I wish I never knew about it, it's a living hell! We have 2 kids, 2 & 4 in ages. When I asked her why, she said she was unhappy for few yrs now and didn't know how to tell me and that A was going on for a month. She got caught b/c of the texting frequencies - texts don't show up in call records - and always wanting to be at work like never before. I really want mess this guy (married as well) up so bad -sent couple messages to stay away from my W - but can't b/c it was W choice to begin with. She says she still loves me very much and I do too, won't ever give the details of A even though I keep telling her I need to know and move on. I am contemplating to give W another try since it could partially been my fault to neglect her in some ways - we had lotta stuff going on last few years - and the fact I did try to save the marriage and if it doesn't work out? oh well, it is what it is. Am I doing the right thing? And if I decide to D, it will be likely 'uncontested' who pays the child support, the one that works or the one that has the kids? I am so confused right now, I really don't know what to do! Much input will be appreciated and thanks for listening to my ranting.

 

Bro, you need to free yourself from this woman. Keeping a cheating spouse is NEVER worth it. Staying in an marriage where you are hurt or not happy is not worth it.

 

If she cheated, it's because she is un-happy with you, and at most would only be with you for either a false sense of obligation, or for the "economic" security. In other words, she will no longer be with you because she loves you. Get ahead of everything and divorce her now and make it mature. Settle child custody maturely, and everybody will be fine.

 

I hope you think this out well and come to this conclusion. It'll be better for everyone in the long run.

[Hoping4Better]

If she cheated, it's because she is un-happy with you, and at most would only be with you for either a false sense of obligation, or for the "economic" security. In other words, she will no longer be with you because she loves you. Get ahead of everything and divorce her now and make it mature. Settle child custody maturely, and everybody will be fine.

She does say she loves me even though I filed for D, she still wants to work things out. Oh and she is the one with a job at this moment so wouldn't that make a sense for her to file first and keep everything if she really wanted me out?

[Hoping4Better]

Since she is 100% committed to M, I was thinking some sort of postnuptual agreement to stay in M to give it another try, what do you guys think? I think there should be consequences for her actions so far but don't know what or just forgive and start anew?

 

PS I did put VAR in her car so I can monitor her calls when W is out and about.

Edited May 19, 2012 by Hoping4Better

[eamherst14051]

Since she is 100% committed to M, I was thinking some sort of postnuptual agreement to stay in M to give it another try, what do you guys think? I think there should be consequences for her actions so far but don't know what or just forgive and start anew?

 

PS I did put VAR in her car so I can monitor her calls when W is out and about.

 

Of mice and men........which one are you?

[Hoping4Better]

Is this A a lost cause? I would appreciate more inputs please, good or bad.

[The Blue Knight]

I finally sat her down and handed her the D papers I'd drawn after I found out from a buddy of mine that W had ****ed a guy - in a bathroom of a club - she works with after she was discovered of A a day after! W told me they were both drunk and quit as soon as they started. ****! It took me 5 hours to convince her to sign the papers, whole time her not wanting to sign. It's uncontested so it should be fairly easy process. Obviously W thought we were done from the way I acted d-day, I'm not trying to make excuse for her, she just didn't care at that point. She now really wants to work on M, I told her I didn't know whether I wanted her anymore or not. Why couldn't she in the first place try harder, why has to come to this? Oh yeah, she did agree to me letting OMW know of A. Finally when I decided end ours. How tragic.

My gut instinct is that most woman about to lose their husband don't run out and bang another guy to feel better, drunk or not. She would have been with you trying to work it all out if that was most important to her. Sorry H4B. I think there may be more going on than what she's revealed up to this point, but how will you ever really know?

[The Blue Knight]

She does say she loves me even though I filed for D, she still wants to work things out. Oh and she is the one with a job at this moment so wouldn't that make a sense for her to file first and keep everything if she really wanted me out?

 

Her job may not play heavily into this. It could be she wants to stay married right now because she's unsure; fence riding, doesn't want to come off as the bad guy; you're familiar feeling and therefore somewhat secure; 15 years of history together; or all of the above.

 

The other question always becomes how she defines love. We see it here all the time. Wives who post "I love him but I'm not in love with him." Women can toss that word around to mean many things. Just be careful my friend.

[2sunny]

Since she had sex with another guy AFTER Dday it's not looking like she's sorry at all.

 

And your buddy told you? Sheez, your wife is a real winner... Allowing your friends to understand she's participating like a tramp. Get tested for stds now... A woman having random sex in a bathroom means she's most likely done it before.

 

She has no basis for decency...

 

I wouldn't want to stay with someone with such loose boundaries for herself as she shows...

[RobD70]

Is this A a lost cause? I would appreciate more inputs please, good or bad.

I doubt anyone will tell you to R, she has shown you that she is NOT wife material.

 

I know you want any excuse to try to R but the reality is you got a bad apple. Odds are if you R in a couple of years you’ll be back here or you will hit full anger stage in 6 months or so and leave out of self-respect.

 

I wouldn’t R out of principle no matter how much I felt I wanted to. I couldn’t live with myself letting someone do something like this and get away with it by rewarding them by keeping the M. There are too many other women willing to take her place out there to be with one with such low morals.

[reboot]

her 45-70% at this point

 

Meaning she'll wait a couple of weeks or so to resume the affair.....

[SomedayDig]

The banging a guy after dday is bad. But banging him in the f'ng bathroom of a club just makes it more degrading, IMO. How are you dealing with that? It was after dday. She knew what she was doing, drunk or otherwise. I'm sure you had already expressed to her how her betrayal had hurt you.

 

On another note...what have you discovered (if anything) from the recorder?

[Hoping4Better]

On another note...what have you discovered (if anything) from the recorder?

Nothing yet, W was telling her gf that we are trying to R on her way to work. So I get that everybody thinks it's a bad idea to give her another chance?

[2sunny]

I look atit as another chance to find more mento bang in the bathroom at her work.

 

Seriously, this W has NO morals.

 

Only stay if you expect more crappy behavior from her side.

 

Your boundary is too loose.