Wife had an A, can't sleep or eat!

[Med]

It’s a risk giving a second chance, take it from me who has been there & done that. Gave my ex wife a second chance only for her to cheat again & this time leave for another man…Do you want to risk taking a chance???? From what I see here, she isn’t remorseful, And there will always be this nagging feeling even after a reconciliation you think its worth it?.. Hope you have told other mans wife, she has a right to know. I know its your wife’s doing BUT he still should have known better to respect another mans marriage let alone his own marriage…

 

If you give her a second change by all means she has going to have to prove it through real hard in making it work. What ever you choose, wish you all the luck & success in life.

[analystfromhell]

I'd say, like others, it's essential that you not only hear the details, voluntarily, from her and that she become completely transparent in her activities. If she's not willing to do this or until she does, how is it possible for either of you to reconcile? It's just too much to ask from my point of view.

 

As far as the other two parties involved- the guy and his SO. Well his SO needs to know. Perhaps you can gather what information you have, phone records and such and WITHOUT TELLING YOUR WIFE mail them to the other guy's wife- to her work or her home or both. She is involved as well, has been just as wronged as you and may not even know. It's important she does for her sake and your yours. Without her involved there's little chance the other guy won't try this again with your wife or with someone else. Either way, she deserves to know and of course where there's a will there's a way. A not explaining the package might help.

 

Others have mentioned counseling and I'll bring it up as well; just don't expect miracles. We've been through two counselors and in nearly a year of discussions my SO still has not come clean- she lies habitually but has only admitted the tiniest of untruths and not discussed at all the "topic at hand". Your wife may take a while to be honest with you and to open her activities so you can trust her. If this is the case then the question is how long you are willing to wait, what boundaries she'll agree to in the meanwhile, how transparent she is willing to be and to what extent you are willing to trust her in the meanwhile.

[Hoping4Better]

I don't detect much remorse or sorrow from your wife in your posting. That's going to create a real problem if you hope to turn this around. If she's not on-board with reconciliation and doing what SHE needs to do to save your marriage, you can pretty much put a fork in it.

I do feel that as well...I guess one spouse is more willing than the other...god, I really want this to end sometimes and it's only been 3 days!

[Furious]

I do feel that as well...I guess one spouse is more willing than the other...god, I really want this to end sometimes and it's only been 3 days!

 

Get IC for yourself ASAP, and then get your wife to go to MC with you.

One of the first things our MC told my husband was that he must find the "why", he had affair and that he MUST answer all my questions about the affair, and if he couldn't do that it would be a waste of her time and our money.

[bosunmate]

Sorry you're here H4B. I too have been married for 12 years and my wife had an affair with another man. For FIVE years. We are working on the marriage to repair all that she undid. Notice that? SHE. Not me. That's what you truly need to look at here. Were there troubles in your marriage before the A? Yes. You said so yourself. Does that give someone carte blanche to go bang another guy?!! Abso-f'ng-lutely NOT. Guess what? Both of our wives took the easy street. Having un-encoumbered sex is all that that sh_t is about. No bills to worry about when going down on the OM. No kids to deal with as he plays with her boobs. No YOU to worry about, with the resentment that SHE created in order to justify some guy's crank inside her.

 

No. This has nothing to do with you. It has to do with pure selfishness and ego feed.

 

You wanna work on this and she wants to, too? Well, brother, the only way that's gonna happen is with her doing all the heavy lifting here. She has to give you details that you seek. Whether its simply where they went to have sex or what page out of the kama sutra they chose on Tuesday. YOU deserve an open and honest answer. I ain't gonna lie to you, man. It's pretty f'ng gruesome to hear. But ya know what? At least it gets rid of that spectre hanging out in your brain. Teasing you with all kinds of whacked out sex stuff they "may have" done. But she needs to be 100% honest. And you need to give her a choice. Tell the absolute truth NOW or we are not gonna get through this. Trust me...getting a detail next month is gonna be like starting Dday all over again.

 

Good luck. You got support here. You may not agree with some of the stuff and that's cool. Just don't close your eyes anymore. Keep them AND your mind open.

 

 

You need all the info now because trickle truth not only kills the marriage but your love will be chipped away one trickle truth at a time. She has to come clean or its time to move on. Someday is correct the details will be hard to hear especailly if they come out abit at a time...Good luck

[Hoping4Better]

Get IC for yourself ASAP, and then get your wife to go to MC with you.

One of the first things our MC told my husband was that he must find the "why", he had affair and that he MUST answer all my questions about the affair, and if he couldn't do that it would be a waste of her time and our money.

IC? MC? We talked extensively why but she won't spare me the details.

[Hoping4Better]

She keeps assuring me that she will try counseling but what point is there if she will not give the details? It's more like less and less that this is ever gonna work, sad to say. I really don't know what else to do.

[Hoping4Better]

IC? MC? We talked extensively why but she won't spare me the details.

IC=indiv counseling, MC=marriage counseling I suppose?

[96nole]

IC=indiv counseling, MC=marriage counseling I suppose?

Yes, that is correct

[Bryanp]

This is her choice. You cannot have recovery without the full truth. If she refuses to be honest with you then tell her you will be honest with your divorced attorney. This is a deal breaker.

[jnj express]

You do need all the details, from beginning to end---down to the tiniest detail---you need them because----to heal, you can not have anything left to your imagination----your sub-conscious is gonna be tuff enuff on you---and at least if there is nothing for it to imagine---you can start to heal

 

You must be HARSH---if you want anything----if you are soft, wishy-washy, and she sees that she will give you nothing---Harsh consequences, bring about action

 

No more telling/asking her---DEMAND--what you want/need---and tell her she complies, if she refuses, then tell her to prepare to defend a D. action---and be deadly serious----you are playing a life and death game here and your future, and the future of your mge., and family depends on how you handle this-----your attitude HAS to be---this is your ballgame, by your rules---she complies, or she is gone---she gets no leeway!!!!!!

[Hoping4Better]

You do need all the details, from beginning to end---down to the tiniest detail---you need them because----to heal, you can not have anything left to your imagination----your sub-conscious is gonna be tuff enuff on you---and at least if there is nothing for it to imagine---you can start to heal

 

You must be HARSH---if you want anything----if you are soft, wishy-washy, and she sees that she will give you nothing---Harsh consequences, bring about action

 

No more telling/asking her---DEMAND--what you want/need---and tell her she complies, if she refuses, then tell her to prepare to defend a D. action---and be deadly serious----you are playing a life and death game here and your future, and the future of your mge., and family depends on how you handle this-----your attitude HAS to be---this is your ballgame, by your rules---she complies, or she is gone---she gets no leeway!!!!!!

That's just it! We screamed back and forth about the truth first night but no progress. She seems to want to lean towards D and that isn't what I had in mind. My thinking was after IC, I will get in MC and approach it that way.

[standtall]

I've asked her gory details of what, where it happened, she wants me to just let it go saying that "it was exciting and good enough that I wanted to do it again"

 

Wow, that is un-apologetic and hurtful. Unless you want to share her with this dude and other men on a regular basis, you are probably looking at a divorce. Make sure it is crystal clear that she is the one that destroyed the family...you may be the one that files, but you did not do it.

[stillafool]

That's just it! We screamed back and forth about the truth first night but no progress. She seems to want to lean towards D and that isn't what I had in mind. My thinking was after IC, I will get in MC and approach it that way.

 

Your wife is showing you that she isn't prepared to do the work to save your marriage. Could that be because she still has feelings for the OM and in her mind the affair hasn't ended? I think there's only one logical answer to that question. If she would rather divorce you than tell you details about the affair, you are wasting your time. You can't save your marriage by yourself. She broke it and she needs to lead in fixing it.

[SomedayDig]

You can't save your marriage by yourself. She broke it and she needs to lead in fixing it.

 

This.

 

I know it's only been 4 days now since you found out. Here's my opinion and I'm sure most people on here would agree. You need to take a deep breath and walk out of the house. No yelling or screaming. No drama (you've got enough). No going out to "mess" someone up. You need to walk out of the house so that maybe...possibly...your wife will see you leave her. I am not saying this is gonna be easy. It wasn't when I walked out one night 7 weeks ago. In my instance, my W kinda got it. Not fully...just kinda. I got the trickle truth initially because, while she was on board, she still didn't get it 100%.

 

She got it when I walked out. I was gone less than 15 minutes before my phone rang. It was 11pm and I was just driving in my car, biding my time. Honestly, I was thinking about going over to the xOM's house and knocking him through a couple f'ng walls. But I didn't do that. Anyway, her calling me asking me to please come back and that she understood what she needed to do was the wake up that she needed.

 

Be prepared to just spend the night somewhere. Whether it's a friend's house or a hotel room it doesn't matter. You just need to create the space. You need to do it for yourself. She needs to see you walk away because she just might think "Holy sh_t. He's not kidding."

 

Then again she might not and therein you'll have the answer that YOU need. I understand you have kids and it's tough enough dealing with this kind of crap by itself. But you have to do what you have to do.

[Hoping4Better]

She came home from work this morning and slept one hour with me in her pj cuddling me from behind. Hasn't done that in awhile! Don't know what this means. Confused as to whether we are making a progress or not...we did have a talk before her work saying how much we love each other, that was about it.

[anne1707]

Don't confuse progress with pacifying. She wants you to stop pestering her and if that means going the "extra mile" with a cuddle, she'll happily do it.

 

Or it could mean she is trying to hang on to the marriage there, that she wants to be close (speaking from experience here). Could be either option (or something else completely different) - we don't know her motives to be able to say one way or another

[Hoping4Better]

Or it could mean she is trying to hang on to the marriage there, that she wants to be close (speaking from experience here). Could be either option (or something else completely different) - we don't know her motives to be able to say one way or another

Me 1oo% commited to saving marriage, her 45-70% at this point. I think i might have to go with pestering but hoping of course you are right.

[Hoping4Better]

Your wife is showing you that she isn't prepared to do the work to save your marriage. Could that be because she still has feelings for the OM and in her mind the affair hasn't ended? I think there's only one logical answer to that question. If she would rather divorce you than tell you details about the affair, you are wasting your time. You can't save your marriage by yourself. She broke it and she needs to lead in fixing it.

Thank you all for advises I seek and needed but I still think W is in the 'fog' so yes W might think she's still in A, feelings in a month? don't know, got to be a real strong one. Forgot to tell all is W wanted MC to begin with but now changed to 'I don't know what I want' answer to most of my questions. Maybe W really doesn't know? Because of this uncertainty, I am the one who is leading at the moment trying to make her see it my way.

Edited May 6, 2012 by Hoping4Better

[Hoping4Better]

W wanted hug from me today...for 5 minutes, she was crying...probably all sorts of feelings crossing. Progress or self-pity?

[The Blue Knight]

Thank you all for advises I seek and needed but I still think W is in the 'fog' so yes W might think she's still in A, feelings in a month? don't know, got to be a real strong one. Forgot to tell all is W wanted MC to begin with but now changed to 'I don't know what I want' answer to most of my questions. Maybe W really doesn't know? Because of this uncertainty, I am the one who is leading at the moment trying to make her see it my way.

"I don't know what I want" is code for "I'm checked out of the marriage but I need to think it through before doing something irrational that I can't undo."

 

She's weighing her options and is fearful of throwing the marriage completely away . . . but based on all that you've posted H4B, your wife strikes me as someone who has emotionally stepped out of the marriage and still may have emotional ties to the OM that she may not think she can overcome at this point.

 

[Furious]

W wanted hug from me today...for 5 minutes, she was crying...probably all sorts of feelings crossing. Progress or self-pity?

 

 

It's early days to call a 5 minute hug progress, but it is somewhat positive.

I don't want to sound harsh, but the fact you let your know how much you want to save your marriage is giving her a free pass in not doing the work and being absolutely honest with you.

 

Sometimes you must be willing to lose your spouse in order to truly get them back. Only then can you hope to repair the marriage .

[The Blue Knight]

W wanted hug from me today...for 5 minutes, she was crying...probably all sorts of feelings crossing. Progress or self-pity?

Strikes me as sorrow for what she feels H4B. She feels pulled in different directions emotionally. She feels sorry for you, your kids, and of course, herself because of the dire emotional dilemma she's placed herself in. My ex did this as well and it left me utterly confused at times.

 

The key for you is if and when that sorrow changes for her to something different and she begins to feel immense guilt, sorrow, and shame for what she's done to you and the family. If it's sincere, she will commit to undoing the damage and recommit herself to you and the family. At this point, she's not even close to there.

[Hoping4Better]

"I don't know what I want" is code for "I'm checked out of the marriage but I need to think it through before doing something irrational that I can't undo."

 

She's weighing her options and is fearful of throwing the marriage completely away . . . but based on all that you've posted H4B, your wife strikes me as someone who has emotionally stepped out of the marriage and still may have emotional ties to the OM that she may not think she can overcome at this point.

 

BK, I think you are right on. That is what I am hearing as well. I just don't understand that in a month time what emotional ties so strong that she can function? I have to think sex has a lot to do with it as well.

[Hoping4Better]

The key for you is if and when that sorrow changes for her to something different and she begins to feel immense guilt, sorrow, and shame for what she's done to you and the family. If it's sincere, she will commit to undoing the damage and recommit herself to you and the family. At this point, she's not even close to there.

How long you project, a year or two?